Previously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: There was an implication of trouble in Casa de Giudice, which was a huge shocker only in a sarcastic sense. Kathy expressed interest in shilling desserts, which I'm sure will provide many fascinating plot points from here on out. And everyone looked ahead to the Napa road trip with a particularly acute sense of dread.
We enter with Teresa and Joe Giudice driving somewhere that has something to do with her new product, "Fabellini." They are going to a vineyard. Teresa does not know what that is. As she talks about her new product she manages to slam Skinnygirl, because she is always thinking ahead in terms of squashing promising business (or personal, really) alliances. As she talks about how she'd like to expand her empire, Joe Giudice barely musters up a shit. You'd think he'd at least perk up a little when she's fundamentally talking about how to support his bankrupt ass. But what can you expect of people who can't even decide how to pronounce their last name? And then we get a short yet excruciating bit of awkwardness as Joe Giudice says that he lost his wallet "in the car." Whose car, Teresa asks? Yeah. "A friend's car." God I wish she'd just divorce him already and get her spin-off about being a single mom.
And then it's time to visit with the Gorga. The older son, Gino, is punching Joe, much to Melissa's chagrin. Joe just stands there and takes it like an idiot. Singer/songwriter and Gorga producer Corte Ellis stops by, and we learn that Joe Gorga invented gorgonzola cheese. True story! Melissa, Joe and Corte have a sit down and talk about Melissa's "music career." Corte talks a bit about shopping around for labels, and Joe says that Melissa don't need no stinking label. He's an entrepreneur and can make magic happen in any field! So they decide to "start independent" with the "plan" of eventually generating a "bidding war" with "record labels." And if Melissa Gorga gets a record deal, I am just done with life. I'm just going to throw my EpiPen in the trash, eat a big brownie with walnuts and end it all.
Meanwhile, Caroline and Lauren "go" "to" "get" "some" "coffee" and happen to notice that Chateau, the salon and spa where Lauren "worked" for exactly one day, is now for rent. Chateau, we are reminded via flashback, is also the place where soil of the great Dina Manzo-Danielle Staub rivalry was first tilled. That 45-second flashback is seriously the most compelling thing that's happened all season. Lauren feels like this is the perfect place for her new "business," and though Caroline has some reservations her main purpose in life is to give her otherwise unemployable kids jobs.
Back with the Giudices, Joe criticizes Teresa's driving. In turn, she really should criticize the alcoholism and idiocy that led to him losing his license. They land at America's oldest winery. Is that the actual name of the place? Or does this winery just not want its real name associated with the Giudice Fabellini empire? Winery marketing director Colleen Hughes greets Teresa and Joe, and they then meet with enologist Cesar Baeza. Enology, Cesar explains to a dead-eyed Teresa, is the science of winemaking. As Joe and Teresa talk to Cesar about what they're looking for, Teresa drops an "ingredientses" bomb. And yes, AutoCorrect, I meant to say "ingredientses." (AutoCorrect weeps.) Joe has lots of opinions about how peachy the bellini should be, and basically everyone in the room (and at home in the viewing audience) wants him to shut up. When will these ladies know to leave their disgusting husbands at home? As Joe talks about how he's able to drink this copious amount of bellinis because it's Thursday, and he's promised himself not to drink during the other weekdays. Colleen notes that it's a good thing that they've arranged a car to drive the Giudices home. This is why America's oldest winery (or America's Oldest Winery?) sent its marketing director along for this shitshow.
After a break, Melissa wonders whether she should get lip injections. Her makeup artist is all for it. I am for it if the injections are poisonous, and she kisses everyone on this show before kicking it herself. I want the final season of this show to be like Macbeth. Melissa is doing a photo shoot, and tries to convince us that there's ever a time when she doesn't want to be half-naked in front of the cameras. You know, she's typically so modest, which is why she makes orgasm noises while doing the shoot. Joe Gorga tells us that he loves it when his wife looks like a whore, which is something I think we've inferred pretty solidly over the course of our televisual relationship with him. As all over her stylists and photographers tell her to sex it up, Antonia looks on with a certain wave of trauma crossing her face. Melissa reminds us that she doesn't want to be a porn star, she wants to be a rock star. A little from column A, a little from column B.
And, wow. Then we go with Teresa and Joe to one of Teresa's book signings, in a bakery. There is a line of people down the block waiting to see her, which Teresa says speaks to "what" she's "accomplished" as an "author." I think it probably says a lot about us as a nation. As Teresa is genuinely kind of lovely to her fans, Joe has a drink with someone behind closed doors. Of course his microphone is still on, and when his mystery friend asks if Joe still has the pizzeria, Joe says, "I was never there... I didn't even know what the hell was going on. I didn't do shit." I mean, huge surprise. Oh God, and then Caroline Manzo has to give her opinion on matters, saying that Teresa placed impossible demands on Joe because she wanted it all, which led to Joe's horrendous business decisions and ultimate bankruptcy, and now he resents her for it. And, she says, Joe is now going to pay the ultimate price. Her prediction is that Joe is going to go to jail, and Teresa will divorce him and say she's going to have to show her daughters how to be strong and independent and do it on your own and survive. Caroline says that there's a book there somewhere. No, there's a spin-off, you bitter old bat, and it may even be better than Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding. I will say that you'd have to hate Teresa A LOT to express any sympathy for Joe Giudice.
Meanwhile, Jacqueline takes Lauren to meet with someone who has a line of mineral makeup. Jacqueline is apparently a licensed cosmetologist and, as is evident if you look at her face, very into makeup. So she's serving as sort of a mentor and helper to Lauren as she gets her "business" "started." One of her jobs is to help find products to bring into the store (which we are reminded is going to be called "Caface," best name ever), and thus they are meeting with Richard Hanson, president of Bellapierre Cosmetics and Nicole Lotito, the CFO of ENV Consulting. Jacqueline ups the professionalism of the meeting by ordering a Screaming Orgasm and then mentioning vajazzling. We learn that Lauren Manzo's euphemism for "vagina" is, I think, "chuckie." Or "juggy." As Lauren talks about how serious she is as a business person, Jacqueline spills her Screaming Orgasm all over the table. And, scene.
Back at the bakery signing, Kathy and Rich show up, with their book in tow. Everything seems to be going okay until Kathy mentions her dessert tasting at the other bakery. Teresa says she'll be there, but has a weird look in her eyes, and then starts talking about all the dessert recipes in her cookbook. They flip through the pages and Kathy is like, "Oh! My mother's pizzelles," and "Oh! My mother's cookies." In an interview, Teresa assures us that Kathy is crazy and passive-aggressive and that these are HER mother's recipes. I'm sure there's some insane generation feud about the cookie origin. And what's more, Teresa has even more dessert recipes for her cookbook. Outside, Kathy is like, "I didn't even know she could bake! Good for her!" but she obviously is not entirely pleased.
And then it is time for Kathy's crunk little dessert tasting. Her kids are outside holding a hand-written sign, and Rosie helps hang up some flags. I will say that Kathy's desserts look awesome. Kathy and Rich talk about who is coming to the tasting, and Rich says that he hopes Teresa doesn't come, largely because she's a horrible person. Kathy maybe kind of agrees. The entire Manzo family shows up to the tasting, and Jacqueline, and the Gorgas. Kathy hands out little rating forms for everyone. Poor Lauren feels weird eating actual food in public. And then Teresa shows up, with her friend Linda. Their parking lot conversation is about how Kathy has stolen Teresa's recipes, which were handed down from HER mother. Teresa is not going to bring it up today, though, or so she claims.
The Manzo clan is very curious about who Teresa's new sidekick is, and Jacqueline recognizes her as someone who is prone to defending Teresa. Jacqueline says that Teresa would rather have soldiers than friends. I don't know, I don't think it's such a horrible thing to hang around friends who don't hate you. You can call it a skillful tactic if you want, but it also might just be basic common sense. Teresa then tells us that her kids have had nicer signs at their lemonade stands than Kathy does at her tasting. I mean, she has a point. Learn how to use Microsoft Word, people! Oh God, and then Linda asks Kathy where she got all of her recipes. Kathy says that she just came up with them, and Linda then asks, "They're not family recipes or anything?" Oh, stay out of it, person we don't know. Linda's final word on the situation is that she doesn't eat dessert. Kathy tells us that she's seen skinny bitches who may look great but are miserable inside. Eat a cupcake, she says! I am certainly with her on that.
Teresa then greets all the other Manzo/Laurita/Gorga folks, and somehow Jacqueline and Linda get into a conversation about Teresa. Linda really IS annoying. Do we really need another instigator with this crew? We then cut to Richie, who introduces Caroline to Giacomo Berretta of Bindi Desserts. He's there to do a little tasting himself. Giacomo tastes a delicious-looking lemon thing and seems impressed. Kathy talks to him, and they make a plan to meet when she gets back from Napa. Well, good for her. And then Teresa and Jacqueline have an awkward but somewhat friendly conversation. Caroline worries about the situation, because it is her mission to maintain Teresa's friendless status and Jacqueline is a softy who has genuine affection for Teresa. The two women hug, as Lauren and Caroline look on with distinctive stink-face. Di-stink-tive. Maybe that should be the name of their new perfumery.
And then it is time for the men's caucus at Chris Laurita's house. The mission is to talk about the Napa trip, and plan how to make it a nice time for everyone and not a total shitshow given all the feuding amongst the women. Chris, Joe Gorga, and Richie seem to be in agreement that peace is possible. Or at least they were until Chris lets them know that Joe and Melissa will have to share an RV with Juicy and Teresa. In the words of Richie, "That sucks." Originally the Giudices were going to be with Jacqueline and Chris, but for obvious reasons that is no longer the plan. Joe Gorga remembers the advice of his and Teresa's therapist, that under no circumstances should he and Teresa share an RV. Well, I'm sure they've followed all of his other instructions very well.
Chris asks Joe how he's going to be with Juicy, and Joe says he's learned to ignore him because he's obviously such a dickwad. Juicy and Teresa have hurt Joe a lot by talking a whole bunch of shit about him, but he's learning to cope with it. Chris predicts that if Joe and Teresa's relationship gets better, his relationship with Juicy will get better. Joe isn't so sure, and says that you can't just snap your fingers and make everything go away. Chris sees his point, saying that he has some issues with Juicy and his shit-talking too. He interviews that his financial issues are none of Juicy's business, and he shouldn't be talking about them all around town. Chris is upset, but also is a rather cool character so stays calm even with the extra provocation.
We see Jacqueline doing laundry and thinking about Teresa. She says that she's basically going to follow Teresa's lead in terms of repairing their friendship or not. Teresa is doing laundry too. Audriana hugs a dollar bill and calls it "mama." How sweet. Teresa feels like things are getting better with Jacqueline, but that's not the focus of this Napa trip. Rather, she's focusing on making things better with her brother and Melissa. As she instructs Audriana to put her money in her bubbies, we head to a commercial break.
Back at the men's caucus, Juicy finally shows up with an armful of wine. The men soon start talking about the trip, and Juicy says some not great things about Jacqueline bringing up a lot of junk, which Chris does not appreciate. He tells us that Joe Giudice thinks he's perfect at everything, which makes him even more of an asshole than he might be otherwise. I mean, don't get me wrong, he would still be a really big asshole. In the end, Chris says that there are a lot of problems amongst the ladies, and the men will likely end up standing by their respective wives.
Meanwhile, Kathy makes dessert and talks about how happy she was that Teresa came to her dessert sampling. Who knows, says optimistic Kathy. Napa could be a great trip. Caroline does not agree. She thinks the whole thing is going to be terrible and the trip is already ruined and she might not emerge from her RV the whole time. I would be okay with that, actually. Melissa is on the optimistic side of things as well, saying that Joe Gorga is happy as long as she and Teresa are getting along. So she's not worried that there's going to be any tension amongst the men. We then cut back to the men. Chris starts talking about the changes to the RV situation, and Juicy can barely stop texting long enough to comprehend.
And then, eventually, Juicy and Joe get into it. It's mostly the usual shit, but then Joe starts talking about how much he helped out Joe at the beginning of his career as a contractor or real estate magnate or whatever it is that he does. "Construction." And then one time he loaned Joe some masonry tools, which Joe never gave back. Joe says, "So then you hate me because of that?" and Juicy replies, "No, I don't hate you because of THAT." Joe points out that he was 18 at the time. And then, to underscore his point that he has no problem with helping others, Juicy notes that Richie was pumping gas when they met. Richie counters that Joe was flipping pizzas six months ago. And not even that! But bottom line, when Joe Giudice borrows something from someone, he gives it back. Richie advises Joe Gorga to go to Sears and get Juicy a new tool chest. Juicy says that he doesn't need the tool chest anymore. That's because he doesn't have a job. Rich then asks Joe if he ever banged one of Juicy's girlfriends. He didn't, which is too bad, because Juicy would have been okay with that. Joe Gorga just sort of looks around in disbelief and horror. If I recapped with a mirror in front of me, I think I would see that expression a lot. Chris sees this whole conversation as further evidence that Juicy and Teresa are complete creeps, and don't want anyone to do well but themselves. His hopes for a peaceful trip have pretty much been dashed, and now he's concerned that things will revert back to the same fighting and drama as always. That's pretty much the raison d'etre of this show, is it not?
week: Napa. The best we can hope for is at least two of the RVs to drive off of a cliff.
Potes would like Tabatha to take over the Giudices. Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.