Previously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Albie's poor, excessively attractive girlfriend Lindsey was introduced to the Manzo women, and Caroline hated her on principle. Melissa and Gia both prepared for appearances at something called Beatstock, while Joe and Teresa quit therapy because they felt like they could successfully mend their relationship by the strength of their wits alone. That they couldn't complete a Highlights puzzle by the strength of their wits alone did not seem to be a concern. And, finally, everyone still hates Teresa. It's the motif of the season, really.
We enter at Fred Astaire dance studio, where Melissa and her backup dancers rehearse for her Beatstock appearance under the tutelage of famed choreographer Cris Judd. This is Melissa's second performance ever, and is in a much bigger venue than the stupid BLK Water launch last season. She's hoping that it can propel her to the level. Judging by the look on Cris's face, that seems highly unlikely. Meanwhile, at Pearl Studios, Gia rehearses with a gang of dancers for HER Beatstock appearance. I still don't know what Gia's appearance is all about, and why Gia seems so much younger than everyone else in her group, and why everyone else has to wear a purple t-shirt and she doesn't. The leader of the class tells Teresa that Gia must have gotten "it" from somewhere, and when Teresa asks Gia where she got it, she says, "My aunt." Oooh, BURN. Teresa makes her correct that statement, in a pretty good-natured way. Meanwhile, Melissa shows some actual self-awareness as she tells us that she may not be the best singer ever, but it takes some courage to put yourself out there in front of people. We really are in the age when the bold but talentless prevail.
Meanwhile, remember how Kathy wants to start a catering business or something? Well, she's planning to have a cookie tasting in an ice cream shop in her old neighborhood. Rich is concerned about whether Kathy is going to make any money on this venture. I mean, I guess if she has something to sell she might. Kathy tells us that this ice cream shop is where Rosie had her first job, so the owner was Rosie's first boss. She's hoping that getting back to the old homestead of Paterson will give her some inspiration. She'll need that inspiration, as Rich won't stop riding her business jock and she needs him to back the fuck off. Rich and Kathy greet Sal Sigona, the owner of Gelotti Ice Cream. Kathy opens her sample box, and Rich busts right in to ask if Sal's ever thought of having a line of sweet treats in the shop. Kathy puts him in his place a little bit, and Rich asks for a tampon since his balls have been cut off. If he's trying to stop the bleeding of a testicle-ectomy with a tampon, he has even worse business sense than we suspected. Sal likes Kathy's sweets, and is receptive to the idea of her having a table in his shop for tastings. Rich tells us that he does want this to be Kathy's baby, but does not want her to go forth with a Joe Giudice business plan. She just never should have taken him along.
With that, it's time to check in and see how things are going with BLK Water. If there's anything more boring than following the interfamilial drama of the Gorgas, it's following the business ventures of anyone on this show. Sigh. Chris Manzo tells us that they're talking BLK Water to the Fancy Food Show in DC. It's a big show for them, and while their booth won't be one of the biggest there, he thinks it will be one of the busiest. If they really want to up their game, they should have an Albie Manzo kissing booth on the premises. Caroline and Albert are impressed by the mock-up booth that Chris and the boys have put together, though Albie says it pales in comparison to things he's seen, such as a cave made of cheese. OMG. If I lived there, I would sleep on a bed of crackers and have the most convenient midnight snack of all time. It turns out that Caroline and Albert are also going to the Fancy Food Show, because Albert will be premiering the new Brownstone Sauce. "Brownstone Sauce" sounds disgusting, right? It turns out that Albert's booth is VERY modest, like, a table with some sauce on it. And they want Caroline's photo on the jar! Albert says this is because Caroline reads as "old mom." She LOVES that description. Albie doubts whether his cranky, menopausal mom is going to sell any sauce at all. Hot flash sauce, maybe? Tastes like hormones!
And then it's time for our weekly Melissa Gorga flesh check. From Sunday to Sunday we wonder, IS SHE STILL HOT? Thankfully, dear readers, it appears that she is still hot. As Joe and the kids splash around in the pool. She emerges from their teeny shore house in a red one-piece bathing suit with those weird cut outs. I do not understand why anyone wears those. The tan lines, people! Oh my God, and hers has fringe in the front. I personally do not feel like this is her most attractive bathing suit option, but of course Joe gets a boner. Melissa tells us that the key to a successful marriage is to have sex every day, but at this point she's a little tired of Joe whipping out "Tarzan" in front of everyone and anyone and a national television audience. Beatstock is this weekend, and Joe reminds Melissa how "good" she is, thus cementing our impression of him as a tone-deaf baboon. Melissa promises that she'll never forget that Joe is her husband, and he of course still wants to bone her. Have I mentioned that they're drinking red wine, by the pool, in the summer? This is clearly Ramona pinot grigio weather! Get it together, Gorgas!
We then catch up with the BLK Water crew again. Chris Manzo is driving the BLK van to DC, while Albie, Christopher, Greg and a couple of other friends clown in the back. The boys want to work AND have fun, but Chris is determined not to let that happen. This is because it's his money that's sunk into this thing, and if I'm not mistaken he's had some shady business dealings as of late. So, he's very invested in the success of this project. Greg wants to play "Fuck, Marry, Kill," and Christopher puts forth the winning threesome of Kim D., Kim G. and Kesha. Albie gets the winning combination, saying he'd kill himself. Christopher introduces the other guys in the van -- Gianluca, his best friend since 3rd grade, and Joey, who is their cousin. Albie explains that the past couple of months have been a lot of work, and a lot of travel, and none of them have made a dime. They've all had to dip into their savings to cover expenses, so if BLK fails, they'll all fail. And... wait. What do Christopher and Albie have savings from? Their allowances? And speaking of failing, the crew stops into a restaurant on the road and Christopher and Greg partake in a challenge to eat a truly disgusting amount of food -- two giant double burgers with scrapple on them (if you don't already know what scrapple is, consider yourself lucky) and two pounds of fries -- in 45 minutes. Neither can do it, and now everyone has a pukey van to look forward to. Just wash that shit down with some BLK Water! I'm sure that will make them feel great! It's full of alkaline fulvic trace minerals, after all!
Back at the Gorga household, Joe whips off his shirt and tells Melissa he wants a quickie. And, wow. If you want to lose any trace of sexual desire, just watch this scene of Joe kissing Melissa's feet and talking about how he wants her to help him release the poison so she'll dance a little better at Beatstock. And then Antonia comes running in and tells her parents she's scared. ME TOO, KID. She wants to sleep in their bed with them, which I guess she does all the time? I don't know, it's stupid and staged. Way to traumatize us all with something that doesn't advance the plot OR involve a screaming match about Teresa.
And then, back to the BLK caravan. As the crew enters DC we hear Greg chant, "My president is black. My water is black." Great catchphrase! I'm sure it will fly off the shelves. The guys talk about wanting to have fun on their last night before work sets in, but Chris is anti-fun. He tells them that they can each have one drink. They arrive at The Russia House, where a whole lot of vodka is available. Chris orders water, which makes Christopher feel a little guilty. The conversation turns to Lindsey, as it is wont to do, and Albie tells us that although he's not really interested in having a girlfriend at this time when he must focus so intensely on work, he knows he can't pass up a girl like Lindsey. And then the conversation turns back to vodka, and the boys all do a whole bunch of shots while Chris looks on with disdain and tries to give them some uncle-ly advice. And then Christopher pukes. Chris tells us that at times when he's worked with family, it hasn't worked out. If someone isn't pulling their weight, it could be a problem. What if they're pulling their weight in puke and scrapple? Yeah, still a problem, I guess.
And then it's time to visit the fresh hell of the Giudice household. A little terrorist who is NOT Milania for once tells Gia that she looks like a boobie girl. Is that kiddie parlance for tramp? In any case, Gia does not like it. Then Teresa tells Milania to go get daddy in her bedroom, and Milania busts out with, "Daddy's sleeping in his own room!" Between Jacqueline and Milania, Teresa really has no chance of keeping her personal business to herself. Speaking of, Jacqueline interviews that there have been plenty of rumors for a while that Teresa and Joe basically lead separate lives, but put on a face of togetherness in public. Trouble in that paradise of a marriage? Shocker, I know. One of Teresa's hair or makeup people tells the clan that Melissa will also be performing at Beatstock, and Gia's instant (and presumably correct) reaction is that Melissa will lip-sync and have a CD backup. Milania calls Melissa a big chicken, and Teresa confirms to her beauty crew that Melissa was lip-syncing at her release party. She is curious to hear Melissa ACTUALLY sing, probably so she can talk about how Melissa can't really sing. I guess we'll all have to wait for the live album, A Wench Like Me: Melissa Gorga Goes Acoustic. Gia does the booty-popping part of her dance routine, and we're out.
Meanwhile, Joe and Melissa are residing in the luxuriousness of a Fairfield Inn. Melissa's stylist and make-up artist are on hand, because it's Beatstock day! It's also Melissa's 7th wedding anniversary. This performance is her anniversary gift to Joe. He would prefer sex. Melissa gets supportive text messages from Albie, Caroline and Jacqueline, and a call from her music producer, Corte Ellis. Oh, the life of a celebrity. Lounging in a Fairfield Inn. You can tell that the stylist and make-up guy can't believe the crunkness of this situation.
Back in DC, there is BLK Water to promote. Fancy Food Show madness! The guys unload their truck, and Jacqueline tells us that Chris did have an apparel business that was forced into bankruptcy, so this whole BLK thing is his best guess at how to make money. Chris explains that they want to get BLK into more retailers than just Wegmans, and that the beverage business is extremely competitive and intolerant of any bullshit. Speaking of bullshit, it turns out that Christopher is kind of hurting after his dalliance with his clear Russian potato mistress. Uncle Chris gives a lecture to the whole group about staying serious, and when Christopher gets a little lip, Chris tells him that if he doesn't stay serious he'll get kicked out of the booth. Oooh, DO IT. Everyone only wants to see Albie, anyway. Chris tells us that, family or not, he needs to know that his business associates won't be complete buffoons when he's not around. He really picked the wrong crew, eh?
Elsewhere, the Giudices ride in a limo to Beatstock. They try to get the troops to cheer for Gia and her impending performance, which results in Gabriella saying, "I don't really care." I think she's getting some of Milania's spunk by osmosis! I like it. Gia acts like she's a nice and humble kid, ultimately proving that she's not a very good actress. Melissa and Joe are riding to Beatstock, too, and we have to listen to Melissa prattle on about being an artist and performing or whatever. I mean, good for her that she is living her dream, but let me just be clear that she is no Countess LuAnn. (I mean that as a bad thing.) The Giudices arrive first at Beatstock, which looks... I mean, it's no Fancy Food Show. Gia mocks Melissa singing "On Display," and then Milania weighs in with the final word: "Melissa stinks." From the gloss-coated mouths of babes.
Back at the Fancy Food Show, someone comes up to the BLK booth and notes that they're kind of afraid of drinking what looks like muddy water. Chris says that this is their biggest challenge, but that coffee is essentially black water too. Uhhhhh. Hmmm. But let's not get bogged down in these minor details, because PATTI LABELLE is at the Fancy Food Show! And this is the one time where it is handy to have Greg around, because none of these other clowns even knows who Miss Patti is! It turns out that she's there selling hot sauces, and possibly recognizes Greg and the Manzos from the show. Greg and Patti hit it off, and then he gives her the water. And she drinks it! Patti is happy to be Greg's fairy godmother. Can she be on this show all the time? And also, shouldn't she be marketing a line of marmalade?
Oh god, and then that little 30-second between commercial interlude involves Joe Gorga wanting to suck Melissa's toes in front of her assistant and the stylist. The make-up guy apparently knew when to get the hell out of dodge.
And then we're back to Beatstock. Melissa has arrived, and is visited in her little trailer by her sisters and Kathy and Rich and then Teresa and the kids. Teresa asks if Melissa is nervous, and she says that she is a little nervous, but also excited. The Wakiles take their places in the audience, Cris Judd gives Melissa some last-minute words of encouragement, and Juicy threatens to be Gia's backup dancer. And then the show begins! Or at least the part of it that we "care" about begins. Gia's dance group is up first, and I still don't understand what it's all about. Everyone (with the exception of Milania, who lets out a big yawn) is very excited about Gia's performance. I will give the girl credit for being able to flip herself around, though she might not be what they call a natural with the rhythm. I am sure this experience will make her even more of a nightmare, though. Juicy and Teresa and Joe are all quite proud, while Melissa is just nervous.
Back at the Fancy Food Show, Chris is finally impressed by the performance of his nephews. Though they -- and he -- have a lot to learn, they're all doing what they have to do. Albert sets up his Brownstone Sauce booth, and Caroline partakes in hawking it. Albie tells us with great relief that his dad decided not to put Caroline on the jar of sauce, and so no one will fear that a plate of linguine will turn them into a hormonal old bat. Much is made of the fact that the BLK Water booth is way bigger than the Brownstone Sauce booth, but Christopher tells us that the sauce is a phenomenal product and that once his dad gets it in somebody's mouth, they go nuts. Yes, he realizes how that sounds.
And then it's time for Melissa's performance. She's as prepared as she'll ever be, and lip-syncs with great aplomb as her sisters cry with pride in the audience. Maybe instead of flying Cris Judd out to futilely teach her some rhythm, they should have invested in a vocal coach. Joe is very proud, and also thinks that the more they practice in the bedroom, the better she gets. Well if that's the case, she should be Maria Callas by now. Teresa is actually happy for Melissa, or so she claims. As she walks offstage, Gia gives Melissa a big hug. And then I guess Beatstock is over?
Post-Fancy Food, the Manzos and co have dinner and give Albie shit about being so lovesick. Chris says that Albie can't get too serious, because he has a lot of work to do. He doesn't want Lindsey to hold him back if he has to jet off to California for a Schmancy Drink Carnival or something. Albie says that if it ever comes down to BLK versus Lindsey, he'll always choose what's best for his family. Who is even asking him to make that choice? If anything, Lindsey seems like the one who's dubious about this whole scenario. Isn't she off cheering places, too? In any case, stop, Napa! That shitshow should give us all something to look forward to.
The Gorga and Wakile clans hang out after Beatstock while Melissa, Cris and the dancers watch the video of her performance. Melissa doesn't want to be cocky, but she thinks she's awesome. Maybe she'll actually try singing! An advanced move, I know. Kathy finds Melissa's success inspiring, and says that you have to go after things in life and not just accept what's handed to you. Ice cream shop sweets tasting table, here she comes! Teresa and Melissa talk awkwardly for a while about the Napa trip, and Teresa worries that because the roads are so windy they'll fall off a cliff. BEST SEASON FINALE EVER!!!! Teresa doesn't really want to go away with Jacqueline and Caroline, but says that this trip isn't about them. You know, except for the fact that they're the ones hosting it. Sigh. No, this trip is about Teresa and Juicy and Melissa and Joe reconnecting, in a small space, for five whole days. And Andy Cohen won't be satisfied until they've rekindled every last smidgen of their hatred for one another.
You know who's not so excited about the Napa trip? Jacqueline. She plans to keep to herself for the most part. Caroline too would like to uninvite the Giudices, but seems to think it's too late for that. Plus, I'm sure there are some contractual obligations around this whole situation. Chris says that he's planning on having Rich, Joe and Juicy over to talk about the trip. He's hoping that if all the guys are on the same page, they'll keep all the women in check. A great plan, especially given how well those other three guys get along. Albert says that he's not going. His very solid reasoning is that no good is going to come from engaging Joe Giudice in a conversation about any topic. He is the smartest person there. Albert Manzo's got sauce, y'all.
week: Prelude to a shitstorm.
Potes prefers her water to be red like blood. Tweet @traciepotes or email at potesypotes@gmail.com with vampiric sympathies.