Previously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Albie had a girrrrrllllfriiiiiieeeeeend. Rosie wanted a girrrrrrlllllllfriiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeend. Jacqueline and Teresa were through with each other, and Teresa and Joe Gorga entered the puzzling world of brother-sister couples therapy. Basically the therapist was like, "Try being normal!" and they were like, ".....Whaaaaaaa?" Oh God, and then remember how they fought off camera and you could hear it all on their mics? Anyway, the upshot of this entire series is basically that they're all horrible, except for maybe Kathy.
We enter as preparations are underway for little Antonia's sixth birthday party. It's fluffy and pink and sugar-fueled and looks absolutely nightmarish. Melissa gets her makeup done and confirms to Joe Gorga that she got a bouncy house and also a bouncy human centipede bound to give most kids nightmares but delight small terrorist Milania. There is also a popcorn and cotton candy station. Melissa explains that Antonia's birthday parties are always lavish affairs, because that is how these idiots roll. My favorite kid birthday party story of late comes from a friend whose five year old requested a party with no other kids invited and a bouncy house all to herself. She's super little, so always gets knocked around in the typical Lord of the Flies bouncy house scenario. I thought it showed a rare kind of genius and analytical skill. In any case, Joe says that Melissa is too expensive, but of course doesn't mean it because every display of his money is designed to make us forget about his teeny tiny willie and teenier tinier amount of grey matter.
Meanwhile, Teresa and her girls get cards ready for Antonia. Joe Giudice, who is letting his orange man boobs swing free in the breeze, is totally not planning to go to the birthday party. Milania screams at him that he's so mean, which is absolutely true. She adds that he never wants to see his kids, and as a bonus calls him a big poop. Also true! Teresa is like, "Stop saying true things on camera! It is not the Giudice way!" Eventually, Juicy leaves the room to further accusations that he is a big poop.
Speaking of big poops, Caroline and Lauren check out a store that is going out of business. But they are not merely looking for excellent sales! Nay, Caroline is helping Lauren to look for a storefront for her new business. And you know, she made such a mark during that one day when she worked at the other salon. Clearly it was time for her to move on to a bigger venture. Caroline seems resigned to the fact that Lauren is going to fail, and waste a lot of her money in the process. She brags about the fact that she's a bulldog, but of course a skinny one as opposed to Lauren's rather zaftig one. Lauren tells us that she knows the makeup business -- you know, because of her one day of experience -- so Caroline needs to listen to her on certain matters. So... it's a makeup store? That also sells clothes? Or something? Lauren then starts complaining about the name that they came up with. And that name is -- wait for it -- Caface. It's a CAFÉ for your FACE. Well. Coffee does technically go IN your face. Lauren is of course right about this relentlessly stupid name, but Caroline explains that her vision is a store where you get a menu of services labeled under headers like "appetizers" or "desserts," and also there is a station with coffee and iced tea. The glamor! I would like to open a haunted house with this same theme, called "Restaurhaunt." Lauren is like, "Whatever," and rues Caroline's extra two percent stake in the business. [Note: Didn't a place once exist kind of like this and flop horribly? I think it was called Skinmarket? -- Rachel.]
Back at the Gorga house, Joe explains to Melissa's mom and aunts that therapy with Teresa was a horrible experience, because the therapist didn't say anything. Except that they should forget about the past and move forward and that Joe should talk to himself and play with his mind before going to his sister's house. Okay, first of all, none of this is what the therapist said. And second, Joe would only find therapy successful if the therapist told Teresa that she was totally wrong, and that as penance she should wash Joe's feet with her hair. Therapy is not for them, Joe says, and they're not going back. Somewhere in New Jersey, there is a very relieved therapist. But Joe and Teresa are going to move on and work on it themselves. Because that's worked out so well in the past! Melissa's mom and aunts seem totally sensible, by the way. It's so rare on this show that I felt it deserved a note.
Back at the Giudice house, Teresa tells Joe that the therapist suggested reinstituting Sunday dinners. She also thinks that their foray into therapy is done, mostly because the therapist didn't like her. Back at the Gorga house, Melissa tells Joe that if the therapist suggested having Sunday dinners, she'll do it. Joe says that he's playing football on the coming Sunday, and Melissa tells him that he's not, because it's Sunday and he's a family man. And everyone will love it. Except for when they get in a screaming fight and someone flips the ham. Sigh.
After a break, the party is in full swing. The human centipede turns out to be a lawless nightmare, as predicted. Teresa and the girls arrive, and now it's time for Melissa and Teresa to discuss the whole therapy thing. Blah blah blah, Sunday dinners. Arrangements are made for Sunday dinner at Melissa's, and arrangements are also made for Teresa and Joe to ignore everything else that the therapist said aside from, "Have Sunday dinners." Melissa theorizes that Teresa is faking her enthusiasm, but then shrugs her shoulders like maybe she's not, but with a half eye roll that indicates she probably is. Meanwhile, the Wakiles arrive, Joe gets a temporary tattoo, and Teresa braves the human centipede. I do think that Teresa would be a pretty fun mom, until you got old enough to know that you should be embarrassed. Melissa thanks Jesus for fixing her broken family, because obviously His whole purpose these days is to see the Gorga clan reunited.
Melissa talks to Rosie and Kathy about their adventures in lesbian clubland. She's sad that she wasn't invited, because she will not be happy until she can be the center of attention for everything that happens, ever. Rosie explains that she has a drinking problem, and also met a pretty lady named Brianne. Except no one actually remembers Brianne's name. It is only through the magic of flashbacks that we are informed of this important fact. And then, awkward times! Just as Teresa is telling Joe about her big blowout with Jacqueline, Jacqueline arrives at the party, directly behind them. Joe can clearly see her, but doesn't tell Teresa that she's there. That's cold. They have an uncomfortable but civil interaction, and then Jacqueline excuses herself to get a drink. Former friend sadness! And then it's time for Antonia to pose to her straight-from-the-bordello cake, and soon Gia hugs Jacqueline. Oh, the innocence of youth! Jacqueline maybe is softening on the whole Teresa issue, but maybe not. Kathy can relate. She thinks that perhaps the Napa trip will provide Jacqueline and Teresa with some time to talk. Oh yeah, a big bottle of pinot noir should really calm their nerves for such an encounter. Melissa comes over to insincerely say that she hopes Jacqueline and Teresa work things out. That is precisely the opposite of what she hopes, and we all know it.
After a break, Melissa's producer shows up to ask if she's ready to do another show. A BIG show called Beatstock. Melissa, having seen people get booed off the stage at Beatstock, is a tad bit nervous about taking on this challenge. She's excited, though, and requests a choreographer to help her prepare. What, Joe Gorga doesn't have some moves that she can cop?
And then it's time for hijinks with Chris and Albie and Greg. It turns out that Albie had an overnight guest, who MIGHT have been a lady. Greg is very interested in this issue, but all Christopher really cares about is eating Tater Tots. It takes all kinds. It turns out that it's Greg's birthday, and Christopher wants to make him think that they all forgot. They have a secret surprise party planned for later, though. It's like a continuous Three's Company episode with these guys, is it not? We then catch a quick glimpse of Lindsey, Albie's girlfriend, just as she's leaving. Greg starts to give Albie shit, and Albie says that she was just sick and needed a place to stay. And I mean, whatever, he's lovestruck and doesn't have to make sense. Christopher thinks that Lindsey is nice enough, and also has the benefit of being a professional cheerleader. Alexa Ray Joel is going to be so heartbroken when she learns about this. Albie has imminent plans to introduce Lindsey to Caroline and Lauren, and is understandably nervous because his whole family is kind of crazy.
And speaking of crazy families, we transition to some sort of dance audition with Gia and her manager, Maria DeSantis. Gia is dressed like Humbert Humbert's dream, which of course gets major approval from Teresa, who is watching from the sidelines. And hmmm. It turns out that this is an audition for Beatstock. I had never heard of Beatstock before this episode, but it's rapidly losing cred. In other Beatstock related dancing, Melissa shows up to a Fred Astaire dance studio franchise to work with choreographer Cris Judd. He's also rapidly losing cred, eh? Cris wants to see how Melissa naturally moves, and after she dances a little he gives her guff for the herky jerky movements that reveal her lack of self-confidence. He imparts some wisdom about staying still that he learned from Michael Jackson. That is a choreography racket if I ever heard one. "Just stand still! It makes you look really confident!" And then we cut back and forth between Gia dancing and Melissa dancing and it is more than a person should have to deal with on a Sunday night.
And then it's time for dinner with the Wakiles! Meatballs are involved. And bonus! It turns out that Rosie is bringing over a lady friend. It's Brianne! I hope Rosie has remembered her name by now. Maybe she'll do that awkward thing where she lets Brianne introduce herself, just so she can hear her say her name. Kathy and Rosie's mom is there and seems cool with the whole thing, but Rich brings up four bottles of champagne just in case. Everyone welcomes Brianne with a big hug, and Richie first tells us that he approves of lesbians, which is a HUGE win for the lesbian community, and then goes on and on about how hot Brianne is. Joseph is both titillated and wants to die, which is an appropriate reaction for a young man of his age.
Back at Gia's audition, dancing is still happening. And then Gia gets the...part? Or at least isn't cut? Teresa is proud, even though this was obviously all staged, and picks up Gia to give her a big hug. Gia is mortified, and gives Teresa a really healthy shove. Teresa in vain calls out that she loves her. Things just get sadder and sadder for her, truly.
And then in our in-between-commercials feature, Greg tries to set up an online dating profile for Christopher. This also doubles as an, "Are You an Illiterate Flabby Slob?" test. I'll let you guess at the result!
After a break, Jacqueline and Lauren ride in a car with Greg. They've made him believe that just the three of them are going out for his birthday, but in fact there's a big surprise party in the works. Lauren tells us that it should be a fun night, but she's also nervous about meeting Albie's new whore girlfriend. Well, I'm glad she's going into it with an open mind at least. Closer to the party, Albie asks Lindsey if she's nervous and he says that yes, she's nervous. He tells us about their fated first meeting at a restaurant in Hoboken, and how she did not want to date him at all. And so he hounded her and hounded her until finally she acquiesced. Romance! He says that he'll never ever find anybody like her again, by which he means a hot pro cheerleader.
The party is apparently at a gay club, as evidenced by all the shirtless men dancing. Though that sounds like a regular night at the Gorgas to me. Chris asks a gay friend what is a nice way to say that he's not gay if someone hits on him. The guy advises Chris to say that Albie is his boyfriend, because if he says he's straight then it's a challenge. Albie asks what to do about the fact that his girlfriend is sitting to him, and wise gay friend advises him to say that she's a tranny. Lindsey does not seem amused. Albie then confesses that tonight is the night he's going to introduce his tranny girlfriend to his mom. Chris tells us that a gay bar is as good a place as any for Lindsey to meet Caroline, and also he -- and the rest of America! -- will be the first to know if Caroline is not impressed. He advises Lindsey not to look Caroline in the eye, and also not to call her Caroline OR Mrs. Manzo. He thinks that Lindsey should call her "mom," which gets a huge veto from gay friend and his lady friend. Ha! And then gay friend advises Lindsey to call her "Red." This guy is my favorite saboteur. And then Caroline arrives! She shakes hands with Lindsey, and tells us that she's very sweet and also (with a distinct lack of enthusiasm in her voice) a cheerleader. So she, too, has basically assessed Lindsey as Albie's new whore girlfriend. I'd feel bad for Lindsey, but she's so tan. She deserves all this judgment.
After a break, we learn that Joe Gorga is Greg's type. So it is a special birthday treat that Greg gets to do a shot off of his juiced up body. And rest assured it's a real treat for us too. Poor Lindsey is stuck with Caroline AND Lauren, who tells her that she can't picture her having any rhythm. But at least, Lauren says, she's not a whore dancer! She's a sports dancer. Who HAPPENS to be a whore. Oh, and then Melissa gets on a table and dances while "On Display" plays. She pulls Lindsey up with her, and Lauren gets the chance to be totally not jealous that Lindsey has a killer body. And then Joe Gorga gets up on the table and humps some gay dudes, like he does. Lindsey and Albie canoodle a little bit, while Caroline and Lauren scowl. At the very least we can thank Lindsey for getting people to talk about something other than Teresa for a minute. Lauren pushes Greg's birthday cake into Christopher's face, and we're out!
week: Richie needs a tampon! AND OH MY GOD, PATTI LABELLE! Beatstock happens, and everyone keeps making it out like Albie has to choose between Lindsey and his stupid black water.
Potes still can't believe that she's recapping this show. Sympathize @traciepotes or via email at potesypotes@gmail.com.