Previously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Jacqueline grilled Teresa about how she can be building an apartment-garage while still being in bankruptcy, and Teresa was not amused. In related news, Caroline and Jacqueline now fully hate Teresa. In related-related news, Teresa agreed to go to therapy with Joe Gorga and tried to make nice with the rest of her family now that her Manzo friends have abandoned her. And we all recognized that without Teresa, no one on this show would have anything to talk about.
We enter at Casa Giudice, with its guardian wolves and new garage-esque structure. A cement-mixey-thing whirs or whatever, and it turns out that to save labor costs Joe has gone non-union and hired three of his daughters to help with the project. They are apparently paid in matching overalls and pink work boots. Joe's brother Pete is also on hand, and maybe is a twin. The thought of more Y Giudice chromosomes out in the world is truly terrifying, no? Teresa explains that Joe is not only building a garage, but stuccoing it. This is going to end with Milania cementing herself into the wall and haunting the house's inhabitants for eternity, isn't it? Gia tells Milania that she's not very smart at stuccoing, and Milania in turn threatens to throw her stuccoing tool at Gia. Milania soon gets fired, which I think is best for everyone, and stomps off to see the human resource wolf.
Teresa says to Joe, and us, that she doesn't know where Jacqueline got the idea that they're building an apartment. She notes that Jacqueline really likes gossip and getting in other people's business. Saint Teresa, however, would never pry into the affairs of others or, for example, spread the information that Jacqueline and Chris also went through bankruptcy. Oh, wait. Teresa's still sad about the ending of her friendship with Jacqueline, though Juicy Joe takes more of a "So what? Who cares?" approach, per usual. With her surrogate family out of her life, Teresa has decided to try to make amends with her biological family, and has agreed to go to therapy with her brother Joe. If it doesn't work, she wants a refund. Well, I want a refund of life hours that I've spent watching Teresa say stupid shit, so let's all figure out how to file a claim. I think we've got the potential for a solid class action suit.
In yet another charming development, Juicy makes a stucco vagina. Rosie arrives, and Juicy notes that she'd like said stucco vagina. And I mean, who wouldn't? Maybe I can hire him to make a stucco vagina installation for my apartment! Or better yet, my office! One of the kids yells out, "Who's Rosie?" because obviously Teresa hasn't given a shit about Rosie for years. But then we are reminded that Rosie was charged with kid wrangling at the Jersey Shore, which permanently stopped any remaining ticks of ye olde biological clock. Rosie sits down with Teresa, who is wearing a headband that pushes the top of her hair up in exactly the shape of ass cheeks (or maybe that's my stucco vagina talking?), and says that they may have been all lovey dovey at Melissa's remix party, but she hears and reads negative shit about Kathy in the tabloids, and does not enjoy it. Teresa assures Rosie that tabloids are bullshit, and Rosie wants Teresa to release some sort of official statement to clear Kathy's name. Teresa says that she doesn't have a computer in her head and doesn't store things in her brain. Well, that's an understatement. She digs back through her non-brain storage to note that she's seen tabloid articles where Kathy trashes her. Rosie has emphatically had enough with the tabloids. Teresa pretends that she too has had enough with the tabloids, but I think we all know that's not strictly true.
Teresa gets shifty-eyed as Rosie pleads with her to fix all their problems before they erupt into a family war. They talk about their family history, and how Teresa got a paper route because Rosie had one. Rosie admits that she was distant with the family, because she didn't fit in. Teresa reveals to us that Kathy left Rosie out, and hated the fact that she was gay. She asks Rosie if she remembers how Kathy treated her. Well THIS is an interesting development, isn't it? And we all know that the Giudices are heroes who work tirelessly for gay rights, so they really should feel comfortable calling this out. And then of course the conversation turns to Teresa's falling out with Caroline and Jacqueline, and she claims that she cried for two days, but says that most of all she wants the non-Manzos on the show to all be a family again. Rosie digs it, though she still seems a bit skeptical about the whole thing.
Elsewhere in Gorga-land, Joe Gorga accuses Rich of French kissing Juicy Joe. Rich is like, "Whatever. My bi-curious nature is well documented." He loved it. I'm sure Juicy Joe tastes like whatever the flavor of steroids is. Joe tells the rest of the family that Teresa agreed to therapy, and even admitted that she may have some culpability in the situation. They are stunned. Joe rightly says that by the time they're done with him, their therapist will need a therapist. At the very least he'll earn some time off for disability. Richie thinks that therapy is a great idea, not least of all because he might get a break from the pleasure of constantly having to listen to all of Joe and Teresa's shit. And then, showing just how similar he is to Teresa, Joe says that he doesn't need therapy, is the most sane man you'll ever meet, and is an angel from God. God does have a pretty fucked-up sense of humor. Rosie arrives and tells everyone about her visit with Teresa. She notes that sometimes Teresa seems so dumb that you are fooled into believing that she's harmless. But underneath it all, they all know she's crawling back to her family because the Manzos have shunned her. Joe thinks that's okay, and they have to be there for her. But then he tells us that Teresa is a shitty friend, which is no surprise because she's also a shitty family member. Joe is looking out for her best interests by taking her to therapy, where a licensed professional will be able to tell her exactly what she does wrong. Rosie puts in an endorsement for therapy, which changed her from an angry person to a jovial alcoholic, and we head to commercials.
When we return, it's time to catch up with the Manzos. Lauren talks about broccoli rabe and her own fatness, and then it's time for everyone to check in about the upcoming RV trip. Apparently, Jacqueline has some opinions. She notes that invites for the trip were doled out before everyone officially hated Teresa. But now everyone officially hates Teresa, so... awkward. She wonders what's more gauche: Teresa still coming on the trip with the full knowledge that everyone hates her, or uninviting Teresa and Juicy while still taking the other members of the Gorga clan. Her plan is to stay out of the decision-making, except for bringing this up every fifteen seconds until Chris takes action. Christopher says that his least favorite thing about Teresa is that she doesn't even have to be there to fuck up his whole night. This might be rectified if any of them had something interesting going on in their lives. We leave the scene with Chris saying that he can still go to Napa with the Giudices, and still have a good time. And Andy Cohen would have to be in a coma to allow them to be uninvited.
With that, it's time to visit Rosie and Kathy's mom's house! There is photographic evidence that Rosie was the most adorable kid in history. It's Sunday dinner time, and everyone gathers for, like, shit covered in tomato sauce. Rosie is all dolled up, and Richie tells her that she needs to get a love life. Kathy asks Rosie if she goes to gay clubs, then proceeds to invite herself along on Rosie's outing (pun half intended). Rosie at first seems a bit perturbed, but eventually says that Kathy would love drinking and dancing with the gays. Kathy tells us that while she hasn't been to a gay bar, Rich has. He loved the music, and also the beej in the bathroom. Ha! And then Rosie says, "First of all, it's not like what you're thinking," and Joseph yells out, "A utopia!" That kid is so awesomely weird, I can't even take it.
Back at the Manzo Sunday dinner, talk turns to Albie's new girlfriend. Apparently Albie is a bit of a player, and hasn't dated anyone seriously in a few years. This one might be different, though. Lauren tells us that unlike SOME people who shall not be named, she's not jealous of the girls her brothers date. She's become very good friends with some of the girls Albie has dated, but then things get weird when he eventually cheats on them or whatever. Greg is at the family dinner for no reason, per usual. Chris asks what Ashle(y)(e) has been up to, and Jacqueline says that she has a new tattoo of a skull head. That sounds about right. She got it to commemorate her attachment to a local bar that technically I think she's too young to even be in. Caroline hopes that one day that tattoo will be a reminder to Ashle(y)(e) of what an ass she was in her younger years. It will at the least be a reminder to all of us! She theorizes that with her blonde hair and tattoos and lip injections, Ashle(y)(e) is trying not to look like her mother. Oh, Jesus, the LIPS. Ashle(y)(e) is moving to California, and no one's really sure if she can make it on her own, but also they really don't want to offer her any help and DEFINITELY do not want her to come back home. It's a conundrum!
Back at the Wakile Sunday dinner, Kathy admits that she and Rosie have gotten into their share of ugly fights, and there was a time when Rosie thought that Kathy didn't include her in her heart. Kathy assures us that this was not the case, and that until Rosie accepted herself she couldn't really sustain fulfilling relationships even with family members. Rosie and Kathy's mother then talks about how her parents totally gave her to her childless aunt. Like, GAVE HER to the aunt. So, things in this family have been totally fucked for many, many generations. She talks about how she could never imagine doing that to her own children, and everyone cries except for Rich. Rich notes that grandma doesn't hold grudges, which is a sharp contrast to their insane cousins. Kathy hopes that her kids aren't as insane as everyone else in the family. Has she met Joseph?
At Casa de Giudice, Teresa tells her girls that she's having "lunch" with Zio Joe. Milania busts out with, "Who cares about Zio Joe?" Not me, that's for sure! Teresa yells at Milania to stop being fresh, or she'll have to go sit in her room for an hour. Milania, absolutely dead-eyed, says, "That means you hate me." People, watch and learn from the master. When is this girl going to get her own spin-off? Teresa turns to Gia, saying that she's trying to do everything in her power to keep the family together. Gia hopes for no drama. Meanwhile, Joe has put on his best salmon-colored shirt and black tie for the therapist appointment. He hopes that Teresa is receptive when the therapist tells her how wrong she is.
Elsewhere, Jacqueline's dad shows up at her place just to talk about how fucked up Ashle(y)(e) is. Apparently Ashle(y)(e) is heading to Hollywood, where she will obviously become a crack whore within a month. Now that Rock of Love is off the air, her career prospects are basically nil. And one Lindsay Lohan is more than enough. Jacqueline's dad understates that Ashle(y)(e) is exhausting. And then Jacqueline tells him about her falling out with Teresa, and he asks her why she cares. He conjectures that Teresa is busy trying to make a living, and if she pisses someone else off along the way, so be it. Plus, she was already a shitty friend. His advice is to stop caring, which seems to be a theme amongst the men on this show. This is why we don't have The Real Househusbands franchise. Despite the fact that she hates Teresa, Jacqueline also still misses her. Stupid feelings.
And then it's the moment we've all been waiting for: therapy! Things instantly get weird -- and we're only in the waiting room! -- as Teresa tells Joe that he smells good and he counters that she's wearing a very sexy color of red. He asks her if she's ready for this. I certainly am not ready for whatever teenage Flowers in the Attic shenanigans are about to be revealed. The unluckiest therapist in the world, Michael Sweeney, comes out to tell them that he'll have a conversation with each of them alone, then all three of them will have a conversation together at the end. Teresa goes in first, and tells Dr. Sweeney that she doesn't know why Joe can't get past what's bothering him. She doesn't think she's done anything to hurt him, but there's something that he can't get past. She thinks that maybe Dr. Sweeney can help him. Dr. Sweeney points out that Joe might say the same thing about her. And the Teresa gets into the fact that everything went to shit when Joe married Melissa. Dr. Sweeney asks her to confirm that her major grievance is with Melissa and not Joe. We then learn that Teresa's rift with Joe began when Melissa was pregnant with their first child, and Teresa was pregnant with her third. They didn't think she was there for them, but as Dr. Sweeney notes Teresa was at that point a very busy woman. Then Teresa tells Dr. Sweeney that she is not a grudge holder, because she is very comfortable lying to her therapist.
Dr. Sweeney asks if Teresa and Joe's style of arguing is more like a cold war or something that erupts. Teresa says that they have a problem communicating, so things are generally fine until they start talking. She thinks she's damned if she does or damned if she doesn't. Dr. Sweeney encourages her not to come in with a chip on her shoulder, and Teresa is like, "I'M JUST SAYING." He tells Teresa that walking away is her best friend. Because she's an emotional nutjob, she needs to keep it cool and remove herself from the situation. Teresa says that sometimes it's good to stand your ground. Well, at least she's receptive to psychologically healthy ideas! Let's all flip a table to that! Dr. Sweeney tells her that she needs to walk out of the room when the situation gets emotional, and not in a big, stompy, dramatic way. This completely delegitimizes any of his expertise in Teresa's eyes, and Andy Cohen's.
And then we get a delightful little Sunday dinner interlude, in which Rosie talks about the horror of having all of Kathy's hand me downs as a kid, particularly when she was a little taller and chunkier than Kathy ever was. We get an amazing shot of Rosie in her hand-me-down holy communion minidress, with rainbow colored sandals due to the fact that Kathy's hand-me-down shoes didn't fit her. She literally didn't fit in... anything. Poor Rosie! But it HAS gotten better for Rosie, as she's heading to the gay bar with Kathy! They're at a place called the Cubby Hole, which is our first sign that shenanigans are in store. The second sign is that Kathy's friend Heather, who you might remember from the hot tub lap dance, has come along for the ride. Heather has totally taken a dip in the lady pond, which Kathy thinks is weird. Still, she wants Rosie to get laid. She offers to go scope out some chicks on Rosie's behalf, but Rosie is emphatic on the point that she's the chasee, not the chaser. Kathy says that if she's doing the chasing, it doesn't count. In truth, Rosie is doing just fine by herself, and has no trouble getting handsy with some ladies. And then, as should be no surprise to you, everyone is suddenly wasted. A poor blonde girl named Brianna gets caught in the middle of it all! Run, Brianna!
With that, it's time for Joe Gorga to talk to Dr. Sweeney. He explains that everything was just ducky until he got married and had a kid. He expected Teresa to love his kids as much as he loves Teresa's daughters. Instead, Teresa became competitive, evil and nasty with Melissa. He points out that he accepted the dicksmack that is Joe Giudice because that's a brotherly thing to do, and Teresa should have done the same with his wife. But instead, she attacked Melissa while Joe continued to let Juicy belittle him, for the good of the family. And of course now they don't want to hang out and have Sunday dinner and whatnot, because every time they're even within the same zip code it's a complete shitstorm. You can tell that Dr. Sweeney recognizes Joe as the normal-ish one, or at least the one with some sort of minimal brain function. Joe says that he just wants respect and love and to get things back to normal, and Dr. Sweeney heads out to get Teresa.
Everyone gathers together, and Dr. Sweeney says that this should be an easy fix since both Teresa and Joe value family and want the same thing. He tells them to avoid old grievances for the time being, and to re-start the Sunday night dinner tradition so their families have a chance to get together. Is he really suggesting weekly contact? Has he ever watched the show? Also, for the several times they get together, each of them should commit to not being a total Neanderthal in some specific way. This depresses Joe. Teresa says that there are some times they've been together when everything's great, and Dr. Sweeney says that the more positive interactions they have, the better it will be. And then Dr. Sweeney learns that Teresa and Joe are planning on going to Napa together, in a big RV. She neglects to mention that there will be a gaggle of other people participating who can't stand even the briefest glance of her burnt orange face. Even so, Dr. Sweeney strongly advises them not to share an RV, especially in the context in which they'll be drinking wine all day. Joe says that if Teresa gets out of line he'll strap her to the bumper and drag her along. And with that, their 50 minutes is up. Poor Dr. Sweeney.
As they're leaving therapy, Teresa tells Joe that if there's something bothering him she wants him to talk about it, so it doesn't bubble up later. And of course it involves tabloids. Joe saw an article saying that he took money from their mom, and that Teresa and Juicy are building a house -- or garage apartment -- for them. We revisit Joe Gorga's statement that he owned the house that his parents lived in, but then sold it, and so now he's paying their rent while he looks for another little ranch house for them. Teresa says that she didn't put that information out there, but Joe highly suspects that she's the source, because who else would give enough of a shit to make up that story. In an interview, Teresa -- apparently being played by Alexis Morell Carrington Dexter Rowan Colby in full Dynasty finery -- actually suggests that Jacqueline planted a story for cash. Bitch, please. In other news, I think Teresa's hairline is actually inching down even closer to her eyebrows. And we didn't think it was possible!
And then Joe says that they're going to walk out of the therapist's office and put it all behind them, but as soon as they close the door they start bickering. I think maybe they forgot that they are still mic'ed, even though the camera isn't on them. So we hear audio of Joe telling Teresa that the tabloid shit has to stop, and her claiming that she didn't put anything out there, and him yelling at her not to lie. And THEN Joe yells, "You guys want to move 'em into that fucking shack that you built. He don't want to move there!" And then Teresa says that Joe should buy their parents a house, and what's the big deal since he's doing so well. If she had the money, she says, she would fucking give it to them. And then Joe calls her out on her expensive purse before yelling that she doesn't fucking get it. They are, like, literally in the stairwell of the therapist's building. In the end, they agree to love each other. So, fantastic progress after their first appointment. Good work, Dr. Sweeney! There's no better referral than this!
week: Rosie brings a lady home, Melissa works with choreographer Chris Judd, and we meet Albie's pro cheerleader girlfriend! Remember how Lauren said she doesn't get jealous of the girlfriends? She might make an exception in this case.
Potes still can't believe that she's recapping this show. Sympathize @traciepotes or via email at potesypotes@gmail.com.
And then Joe says that they're going to walk out of the therapist's office and put it all behind them, but as soon as they close the door they start bickering. I think maybe they forgot that they are still mic'ed, even though the camera isn't on them. So we hear audio of Joe telling Teresa that the tabloid shit has to stop, and her claiming that she didn't put anything out there, and him yelling at her not to lie. And THEN Joe yells, "You guys want to move 'em into that fucking shack that you built. He don't want to move there!" And then Teresa says that Joe should buy their parents a house, and what's the big deal since he's doing so well. If she had the money, she says, she would fucking give it to them. And then Joe calls her out on her expensive purse before yelling that she doesn't fucking get it. They are, like, literally in the stairwell of the therapist's building. In the end, they agree to love each other. So, fantastic progress after their first appointment. Good work, Dr. Sweeney! There's no better referral than this!
week: Rosie brings a lady home, Melissa works with choreographer Chris Judd, and we meet Albie's pro cheerleader girlfriend! Remember how Lauren said she doesn't get jealous of the girlfriends? She might make an exception in this case.
Potes still can't believe that she's recapping this show. Sympathize @traciepotes or via email at potesypotes@gmail.com.