Previously: Danielle Staub prostitution whored her way back on the show via a meddlin' tweet, and put the final nail in the coffin of the Jacqueline/Teresa friendship! Also, don't ever get too secure with thinking that you're having a private conversation, because you never know when Caroline Manzo will pop out of the bushes.
We enter with Caroline cleaning her kitchen as her little whippersnapper of a dog (that's a breed, right?) named Austin looks on. Caroline explains that last night she jumped out of the bushes and into a pile of bullshit known as "everything that Teresa Giudice says, ever." Chris Manzo the elder heads to the backyard to discuss the great Jacqueline/Teresa rift with Albie, Christopher, Greg and Lauren. He explains to us that when men have problems, they just punch each other or homoerotically wrestle, and then they're over it. Women, on the other hand, are much more emotional. And, I mean, I love the entire Housewives franchise as much as anyone, but I certainly wouldn't generalize the behavior that you see here. If these shows were representative, no group of women would ever be able to have a civil dinner party or vacation. In any case, Chris tells us that Jacqueline will never be able to forget that Teresa wasn't a very good friend. And now he's wondering if he's going to have to uninvite the Giudices from the impending Napa trip. Christopher the younger, understanding that bitchery and copious wine is Andy Cohen's formula for success, says that they should keep it an open invite and the ladies will just have to work out their shit.
Meanwhile, Jacqueline is having a total breakdown, crying in her room and in her interview. She is sad about how things have turned out with Teresa, but knows that if neither party is getting what she needs out of the friendship, then it's over. At Casa de Giudice, Teresa is masking her pain with copious lip gloss. She tells us that after the blowup with Jacqueline, she went to Dina's house and broke down, and also probably talked a lot of shit about Caroline. Dina, in contrast to SOME people, just listened like a good friend. I imagine Grandma Wrinkles was on hand to offer support as well. Teresa is still pissed that Jacqueline had to ask her whether she was going to jail or not, and Joe is of the opinion that Jacqueline should shut up and worry about her own problems. He also says that Jacqueline is like a dodo bird, and then does an impression of a dodo bird that may or may not be frighteningly accurate. Joe Giudice advises Teresa to find a new friend. And then there's terrible news: Melissa is having a song release party. As you may imagine, Joe is not feeling it, even though he thinks that Teresa will work it out with her knucklehead brother. Teresa tries to talk about it some more, but Juicy has had enough. I am the last person to cut him a break, but you really can't blame him for wanting to get out of there. And plus he has an "appointment."
Elsewhere, Kathy is vibrating out of her shorts. It's not because Richie is slinking around the corner. Rather, Teresa has called and wants to go out for brunch. Kathy notes that this is a rarity, but enthusiastically agrees to meet her. She figures that there are probably some ulterior motives occurring, but is holding off judgment in that Kathy way of hers. In case you were wondering, Kathy looks fabulous in a wide-brimmed hat. When Kathy and Teresa meet, Teresa talks about how she's always loved Kathy like a sister. This is a preamble to her plea for sympathy at being "ambushed" by Jacqueline and Caroline. Kathy gets a little warning bell inside as she realizes that Teresa is looking for an ally after being dumped by her last remaining friend. But Kathy doesn't want to jeopardize her burgeoning relationship with Jacqueline and Caroline just yet, even though she's being supportive to Teresa and wants to repair their relationship. She busts out some old photos, which are always big-haired fan favorites, as well as some baby clothes that Teresa once bought Victoria like a million years ago. So, there is some tentative re-bonding that should last until the commercial break at least.
Oh God, and then it's time to catch up with Melissa. It turns out she's going to be calling Ryan Seacrest, to help promote the dance remix of "On Display." In summation of the feelings of a nation, the little Gorga son clocks Joe right in the ear. Well played, kid. Melissa gets Seacrest on the line, and he does some heavy lyric interpretation as he asks who exactly is trying to bring her down. Um, duh. Seacrest plays a little clip of the song, and Melissa says that it's not important to her whether or not Ryan likes the song -- she cares what the whole world thinks. Well, since she asked, we think it sucks. Happy now? Oh God, and then Joe Gorga pipes in to say that Melissa sings so well due to all the practice in the bedroom. That makes absolutely no fucking sense. Seacrest is like, "Thanks, I gotta go." Now Melissa is prepared to sit and wait and let the world judge her song. We already have. See above.
At the Giudice house, all of the koi in their backyard pond have disappeared. I bet Milania ate them like sushi. Teresa sits with Joe to the lifeless pond and tells him that she's been thinking more about the idea of going to couples therapy with her brother. Joe says that he already gave his opinion on that matter, and is embarrassed for Teresa that she's even considering it. Juicy Joe, an enemy of mental health! Teresa tells us that therapy goes against her family values, but it's her last ditch effort to mend her relationship with Joe Gorga. Oooh, and THEN we learn that Juicy was forced to go to therapy when he was eleven because he was getting in trouble in school. You know he was totally getting into Dexter-like activity or some shit. Apparently it wasn't a good experience, and obviously didn't work. Teresa still secretly thinks that they're going to therapy just so Joe Gorga can get over his personal issues, but to her credit she's willing to try it. The Gorga parents of course are not behind the idea of therapy, because they'd rather just scream it out at someone's christening. In the end, Juicy gives Teresa his blessing, mostly because he doesn't care, and then proceeds to call Joe a woman. Awesome.
And then we rejoin Joe and Melissa as they are heading to her big celebratory party. They talk about all the shit she's getting on Twitter for being a talentless famewhore, and Joe says, "You have to be some loser that just sits there all day and just says negative shit about someone on the Internet. I don't know if you have a job, you're not getting laid. I mean, get a life and move on!" This IS my job, fuckbrains. Caroline and Jacqueline tweeted some lovely things to Melissa, but Teresa did not. And it turns out that Teresa is so preoccupied with the impending stress of seeing Jacqueline and Caroline that she can't even delight in all of the nasty remarks about Melissa. This shows us that things must be really bad. Chris Manzo sent a sad text to Joe, and now they're going to have to make a wrestling appointment to get their feelings out or whatever.
Soon enough we're at the party, and Rosie is already wasted! Chris points out what we've all been thinking, which is that we went through an "On Display" single release party already, one whole season ago. But the song is so great, why not revisit it? Kathy talks to Caroline and Jacqueline about Jamie's wedding, and of course the subject turns to Teresa and the tabloid article in which she may or may not have said mildly disparaging things. Caroline explains that she and Teresa officially broke up as friends, and Kathy finds the whole thing to be very hurtful. She hopes that everyone can become friends again. As Caroline congratulates Melissa on her wild success in the recording industry, Jacqueline unloads on Kathy. She says that she loves Teresa, but wants to know if her friend is being honest with her.
And then Teresa arrives! She does the Teresa thing where she just acts happy and cheerful, and proceeds to completely and deliberately ignore Jacqueline in the process. Jacqueline has a sad. Meanwhile, Teresa takes Joe Gorga outside and tells him that she's ready to go to therapy with him. They both look SO JERSEY right now while having this rather gentle conversation about trying to bolster their collective mental health. It's very disconcerting. Just when it seems that Teresa might at least be open to discussing her own culpability in their strained relationship, she tells us, "I'm hoping that the therapist will help my brother realize that he's the one with the problem." If karma were real, I believe that Dr. Drew would be forced to counsel them.
Jacqueline continues to be miffed and sad as Rosie approaches Teresa with the sole purpose of telling her how hammered she is. When is Rosie going to become an official housewife? And then Melissa and her boobs address the crowd and the "On Display" remix starts to play. Some halfhearted dancing occurs, but Jacqueline can't enjoy the rhythm when she's so upset about what's happened with Teresa. She wants to go ask Teresa where they stand. Caroline is all, "Noooooooooooo!" but Jacqueline does not heed her silent plea. First Jacqueline and Teresa compare notes about who cried more, and then Teresa tells her how fucked up the ambush was. Jacqueline insists that it was not an ambush. And then for a minute Chris and Albie play Real Housewives Theater and supply their own dialogue for Jacqueline and Teresa's argument. It is surprisingly accurate and contains the gem of a line, "If you were really mad at me, you'd throw a table at my face, right?"
After a break, the argument continues. Teresa talks about how hurt she is, and Jacqueline talks about how hurt she is. Jacqueline once again maintains that Teresa may talk to her every day, but she doesn't tell her anything. Probably because she is afraid that Jacqueline will confront her about it on national television. Teresa says that there's nothing to tell, and that Jacqueline even has to ask is sad, and brings up questions about their relationship. Jacqueline is all, "Don't try to flip it!" by which she means the blame and not a table, and the heatedness of the conversation goes up about twelve degrees. Teresa notes that Jacqueline is a psycho bitch, and adds that this would have been the perfect time for her to give Jacqueline a well-deserved punch in the face, were she not too ladylike to do such a thing. I mean! She adds that Jacqueline once punched Caroline in the face, which is a story that I really would like to get full details on. It's really too bad it happened pre-Housewives.
Jacqueline tells us that she's caught Teresa in so many lies and contradictions, such as her friendly communiqués with Danielle Staub in service of slamming the sister-in-law with whom she is supposedly (or, in this case, supposably) trying to reconnect. It's shady. And then Teresa notes that Jacqueline might be a zombie whose brains have been eaten by Caroline Manzo. I feel like that's actually a plausible explanation for what's happened here. Maybe week we'll see Caroline recommending a brains diet to Lauren. Low carb! Drink them in a smoothie! Jacqueline contends that she's her own person. Elsewhere, Chris and Juicy talk about the whole thing. Chris points out that bringing Danielle back into the mix was a stab in the heart, but Juicy thinks that doesn't really have anything to do with anything. Neither one of these guys really gives a shit about Danielle Staub, and you can tell they kind of just wish that they could go into some man cave and play poker and fondle each other surreptitiously.
From afar, the other housewives gaze upon the escalating fight between Teresa and Jacqueline. Fucking Caroline has to tell Joe Gorga all about how she broke up with Teresa, as if anyone even gives a rat what Caroline does anymore. Get a storyline! God. Caroline says that now that she's out of the way, it might open up some room for Joe and Teresa to repair their relationship. That makes absolutely no sense. In any case, Joe wishes that his sister hadn't been motivated to go to therapy just because she lost all of her friends, but he'll take what he can get.
And now back to Jacqueline and Teresa. Teresa accuses Jacqueline of attacking her. She merely had to defend herself! But she says that she'll never attack Jacqueline or bring her down. Jacqueline says that Teresa already has done that, in little ways. Teresa doth protest, and Jacqueline points out that people other than Teresa are allowed to be hurt. Elsewhere, Melissa is pissed that Teresa is stealing her thunder with this continuously escalating argument. She goes over to put her nose in the middle of it all, and point out that everyone can hear them yelling. Oh, they weren't even talking that loud and there are a ton of people at the party. Go play your stupid dumb song again.
OH NO, but then Teresa turns to Melissa and says that Danielle contacted her about the fact that Melissa had been speaking with her. Jacqueline interjects a snitty, "TWO YEARS AGO," and Teresa instantly gets the table-flipping face. She turns to Jacqueline -- and I have to say that I think this one is somewhat justified -- and says, "So what it was fucking two years ago?" She points out that this is her sister-in-law, HERS, thank you and goodbye. Jacqueline takes a swig of her drink, turns around, and lets out an emphatic, "Fuck you." She then goes and sulks to Caroline, and tells us that now sees Teresa for exactly what she is. She also understands why everyone hates Teresa. She's a liar, and a faker, and now she's questioning Saint Jacqueline who has only tried to love and support her.
But back to Melissa and Teresa. Teresa confronts Melissa about Danielle's claim that Melissa was telling Danielle stories about the Gorga/Giudices. As further evidence of this, she points out Danielle's knowledge that Teresa didn't visit her nephew in the hospital, which of course was dropped on one of the reunion episodes. At the time Teresa said, "I wanna know who the fuck she's talking to." Well, now she knows. Melissa doesn't seem to have a whole lot to say about this. Elsewhere, Jacqueline tells Chris that he can be friends with Joe, but she's done with Teresa. She then proceeds to go on and on about what a terrible person Teresa is, which is something that everyone else already knew, and how jealous Teresa is, which is something that everyone else already knew.
But back to Melissa and Teresa. Melissa thinks it's very strange that Teresa is bringing this up, since she's usually the first one to talk about the merits of forgetting the past. And I mean, personally, I feel like this one is fair game, especially because it's obviously true. Melissa tells Teresa that when this all occurred she was pregnant and hormonal and also she and Teresa hated each other. Teresa is all, "I didn't hate you!" and Melissa is like, "Srsly?" What she should have said is, "You still hate me." And then she just cops to it, saying that when Jacqueline and Caroline are mad, they punch each other in the face, and when she was mad, she talked to one of Teresa's enemies. Teresa says that she should have called her to clear the air, but Melissa points out that whenever they got on the phone all they would do was scream at each other. Teresa attributes this to the fact that they're both bitches. Fair enough, I guess. And then a drunk friend of Kathy's grabs Jacqueline and tells her not to take on other people's problems. Jacqueline recognizes some truth in what this drunken sage has said, and the drunken sage then teaches Jacqueline two words that will change her life: fuck it. Little Jacks picks up quickly and says, "I lost a best friend tonight. Fuck it." And thus we have a woman transformed.
But back to Melissa and Teresa. Things have turned surprisingly civil! Melissa straight up apologizes for being a shady Staub confidante, and Teresa says that she's moving forward with therapy with Joe, and wants the two of them to be cool as well. Melissa agrees, and says that she envisions a world in which they can go to the park together with their kids. Then the women clutch hands, and Melissa tells Teresa to just be normal. A lot could be solved on these shows if everyone heeded that advice. Soon enough, Rosie is kissing Joe and Teresa on the mouth, and everyone's laughing and talking about how much they love each other. By everyone I mean the Gorga/Giudices. Jacqueline is still sitting around being sad. Teresa points out that it's a crazy world when she's getting along with her brother and Melissa but fighting with Jacqueline and Caroline. She contends that she's always been the same dumb-ass, and doesn't understand why everyone else has to change. And then all the Gorga/Giudices kiss each other some more, and Juicy even grabs Joe Gorga's boob. Melissa recognizes the fact that Teresa is probably being so lovey with them because she has no other friends left, but doesn't really care. With Rosie's cries of, "We can do it!" we fade out.
week: Oh my God, the poor therapist who gets saddled with Joe and Teresa.
Potes still can't believe that she's recapping this show. Sympathize @traciepotes or via email at potesypotes@gmail.com.