Many thanks to Jacob for covering last week's hat-infused shenanigans with his usual aplomb!
We enter this week's episode of Neanderthal Theatre with some construction. It's Juicy, apparently doing home repairs to Casa de Bankrupta. Teresa loves how sexy he looks while strutting about cement piles in his unironic wifebeater, but is less fond of the fact that their house looks like a junkyard. They do say that a person's house is an external reflection of his grimy, grimy soul. Apparently Juicy is building a garage so he can store all of his "equipment," like backhoes or mistresses or barrels full of Chianti from which he takes his nightly sponge bath. Teresa is dubious as Juicy describes plans for a car port that won't be attached to the house, but is won over the minute he mentions that there will be a chandelier. She assures us that going bankrupt doesn't mean a) that you're poor; b) that you crawl into a hole and die. Upon point b we can add a wistful, "Unfortunately." Speaking of holes, Teresa spies some frogs in one of the backyard ditches, which Juicy plans to memorialize in concrete. She tells the kids not to touch them, because frogs give warts. I just...sigh.
Oh God, and then we move on to Joe Gorga and his haunted mill building that he's turning into condos or whatever. He's with architect John Bleeker, who is also working on Juicy and Teresa's carport. It turns out that their carport is going to look exactly like the Gorga's carport. Oooh, NOW who's the copycat? And even more importantly, WHO FUCKING CARES? The last time I gave a rat about copying, I was in fifth grade and pinstripe jeans were involved! God I hope they gut this show just like they did with Real Housewives of New York. I would start with the Gorgas, because they bring nothing aside from the ability to agitate Teresa. Kathy I would keep, though. She's somehow the only person on this show who manages never to be gross, and that's worth retaining. Joe Gorga learns that Juicy and Teresa are building a garage, into which they plan to install Joe and Teresa's parents. Joe is NOT thrilled about the idea of his beloved parents who may or may not speak to him on a regular basis having to live above a garage. He tells us that for the past ten years, his parents have lived in a house that he owns. He decided to sell the house, and now has been paying rent on it, but is looking for another little one-story ranch house for them. Or, maybe they'll live above the garage. I'm usually all about the old people, but it's hard for me to muster a care about what happens to the two beings whose collective DNA produced THIS. Oh my God, do you think they were COUSINS? There could be some Middlesex shit unfolding right before our eyes!
Meanwhile, Caroline and fat fat fatty Lauren have lunch, and Caroline is taken aback when Lauren orders a fruit cup. At first I thought she was taken aback because that is clearly not a hearty enough lunch, but in fact Caroline is wondering what's up with Lauren's crazy liquid egg whites diet from Dr. Perricone. Happily, Lauren has realized that it's bullshit, and/or just wants to enjoy her summer. She thinks that maybe if she works on the diet on her own, it'll help her as a person. And then, ha! Caroline says, "Well, I think it's a good idea...because I don't want it to be a head trip for you." Yes, Caroline, who has been so careful not to give her daughter any head trips around her weight issues! Caroline tells us that Lauren is a food addict. She knows what's going to happen, but doesn't want to tell Lauren that, because she doesn't want Lauren to think that she has no faith in her. Oh, but why not tell it to a camera crew and all of America? Then Lauren will clearly be fooled into thinking that she is a wonderful and supportive mother. Lauren has this perception that everyone sees Caroline and Albert as having lost all kinds of weight, and Chris and Albie as being good looking, while she is just sad and chubby and unloved. (I added that last part, which is obviously the truest part.) Albert co-signs that Lauren has no self-control, and tells us that when all else fails he'll get her a lap band. Oh my God, and then Caroline ends this touching segment by telling Lauren, "You have to lose a couple of pounds. So what? It doesn't make you a failure. It makes you a little chunk-a-mug! That's all you are!" Seriously, I have heard Janice Dickinson be nicer to plus-sized people.
We then catch up with Jacqueline, who is Skyping with Ashle(y)(e)'s biological dad, Matt. Ashle(y)(e) has been staying with Matt in Texas, thus giving him an opportunity to realize how truly terrible she is. She's been up all night, sleeping all day, and generally being a mess. Jacqueline takes this moment to go grab some Bailey's to put in her morning coffee, because she has intuited that Matt is kicking Ashle(y)(e) out. He takes the view that if she wants to go to California, they should just let her figure out how to pay her own way and go. Jacqueline worries about all the horrible things that could happen to Ashle(y)(e) were this to occur, but still is not prepared to invite her to come back to Jersey and stay with them. In the end, the only decision she makes is to continue further down into an alcoholic spiral. It's really the only logical thing to do at this point.
, we go to Chris and Albie's apartment in Hoboken. Greg is there, as is Lauren. It's raining, and everyone has ordered pizza. Except Lauren got salad too! Dude, but it has a metric ton of meat on it. This is not so much a problem for Lauren, who makes a perfunctory attempt not to eat the cheese in the salad before eating the cheese in the salad. Chris notes that it must be hard for Lauren to try to lose weight when everyone around her eats so damn much. He suggests that she go to Italian rehab, which I guess involves detoxing from pepperoni for 70 days. Poor Lauren.
And then we are back with Jacqueline and Chris, who are reading an issue of In Touch or some similarly trashy mag that has an article all about Teresa's combined money and legal troubles. It turns out that bankruptcy trustees allege that Teresa knowingly withheld assets, including a $250,000 advance for her cookbook. So, according to the article, both Teresa and Joe could theoretically go to jail. Jacqueline pretends not to see this as a positive development.
We then head to the layer's office with Teresa and Juicy. Their lawyer, James, tells them that they signed the bankruptcy petition jointly, but the resolution of each person will be a separate matter. It turns out that Juicy for some reason or other will not need a trial, and they're moving forward to concluding his bankruptcy issue. Does this mean he WON'T go to jail? Or is that a separate thing? I'm on the side of whatever could send him to the clink for the indefinite future. As for Teresa, they've made an offer to the U.S. Trustee's Office and the Chapter 7 Trustee, which has not been accepted at this point. If they can settle her issues, the process will be resolved much more quickly than if she has to go to trial, obviously. Teresa says that God puts you through tests in life. Don't I know it.
Teresa adds that the whole situation has shown her who her true friends are, and Jacqueline is a true friend. But! Meanwhile, Jacqueline is upset because Teresa never talks to her about what's really going on, and she doesn't know if Teresa is really hurting or merely profiting from other people's pity by putting salacious stories in the tabloids and getting paid for it. Basically, she is getting tired of Teresa's bullshit. But Chris and Jacqueline feel like they've always been there for the Giudices, and even thought about buying all of the crap they had to auction off during the bankruptcy and giving it back to them. That is nice in the way that enablers are nice, which is to say not really nice at all. Anyway, Jacqueline is upset, and Chris tells her that eventually the truth comes out.
Oh Jesus, and then as if this all hasn't been enough we have to live through Melissa Gorga hula-hooping in a midriff-baring top and hooker heels. Her sisters are there, and Kathy comes to visit too. And because they can't muster up anything of interest on their own, they too read the Teresa bankruptcy tabloid article. Who knew that when Danielle Staub left this would become a show about people reading articles about Teresa? Maybe this is all part of Andy Cohen's new literacy initiative? So, Kathy is still having inner turmoil about not reaching out to Teresa about her financial situation, but then reminds us that you never know when Teresa is going to freak out on you and flip a metaphorical -- or literal! -- table. Melissa isn't so concerned, however. Teresa always tells her that things are fine, and plus she's obviously the one selling the stories to tabloids for a paycheck, and has furniture now or whatever. And they're building a garage! What could NOT be fine?
Teresa then goes to see Jacqueline, and can't even get in the yard before Jacqueline starts maybe-fake-crying. She says that she's always been a good friend to Teresa, even when everybody else ditched her during the bankruptcy situation. But she's resentful about the fact that Teresa tells her nothing, and she has to learn maybe-truths from the press. Jacqueline pulls up the article, which includes the quotes about her withholding assets and maybe going to jail. She thinks it's scary, and doesn't know what's true, and is afraid to ask her. But Jacqueline wants to know from Teresa directly what is and isn't true. In response to this heartfelt outpouring, Teresa offers to give Jacqueline her attorney's phone number. That's awesome. Teresa claims innocence in the whole thing, and also says that everything really is totally fine, and she's not going to jail. Jacqueline mentions Teresa selling articles to the press, and Teresa claims that she doesn't do this. Bitch, please. Teresa basically wants Jacqueline to mind her own business, and points out that she doesn't ask her about her private business. Jacqueline points out that this is part of the problem. Friends are there for purposes of private business sharing! Jacqueline just wants Teresa to ask how she's doing once in a while. Chris Manzo spies on the two women with his little head poking out of the house, and notes that Jacqueline is serious about her friendships and also prone to getting hurt by assholes. Teresa admits to being upset by Jacqueline's questioning, and we get a commercial break of mercy.
When we return, Jacqueline and Teresa are still going at it while the sun sets. Jacqueline points out that she's not prying because she's a busybody, but out of actual concern for Teresa. Jacqueline is the one person alive who still sees Teresa as an actual human being, and Teresa is too much of a dumb-ass to recognize this for the gift that it is. Instead, she says that Jacqueline is a) psycho; b) turned into "Heckell and Jide" with her constant shifts from sadness to attack mode and back. Well, isn't someone cooking with cumin now! Jacqueline tells us that, in fact, she has been holding a lot of things in. For example, she noted that Teresa was tweeting Danielle. THE Danielle! And you know Danielle and Ashle(y)(e) are probably still waging lawsuits or whatever about the time that someone ripped out someone's hair extensions. For someone who talks about loyalty, Jacqueline says, Teresa isn't very loyal herself. Finally, under a now pitch-black night sky, Jacqueline confronts Teresa for tweeting Danielle, which is disloyal to Jacqueline and is also tempting Danielle to come back into their lives. I feel like I need a little more information to come down with a judgment on this one. For example, if Teresa merely tweeted, "Prostitution whore!" I don't think Jacqueline can be too mad. I'm guessing it was friendlier than that, though.
Teresa gets into the details of Tweetgate, and notes that Danielle tweeted her first. We see one initial tweet, in which Danielle tweeted MELISSA (and you knew her shady ass was going to show up somewhere in this mess) the following, "Did you ever tell Teresa you were contacting me constantly?" Teresa claims that Danielle had proof that she and Melissa had been speaking two years ago, and conspiring to take Teresa down. So Teresa tweeted, "Thank you @daniellestaub for telling the truth. I'm sad but not surprised. #famewhore." I think I'm going to legally change my name to ":( #famewhore." We flash back to that reunion show from ages ago when Danielle brought up the fact that Teresa didn't acknowledge her nephew, and we were all (including Teresa!) confused about what was going on. I mean, of course Melissa was in contact with Danielle, because she is exactly that stank. And of course, Teresa now sees this as Jacqueline being the disloyal one because to Teresa's frog-sized brain, Jacqueline is siding with Melissa.
Jacqueline tells us that clearly Teresa is using Danielle to expose Melissa, because she does not enjoy it when people like Melissa. That much we already knew. And now that Melissa has entered the conversation, Teresa gets the extra crazy look in her eye and starts yelling about how Melissa was maliciously trying to attack her about holding the baby, or maliciously trying to attack her about not holding the baby, and she can't win. Jacqueline then says that she bets that Melissa DID talk to Danielle, but who cares? If Teresa wants a better relationship with her sister-in-law and to forget the past, as she always claims, then she might start with forgetting (or at least forgiving) this particular incident that happened two years ago. Teresa is not feeling this line of reasoning. Jacqueline does acknowledge that it was fucked up of Melissa to do such a stank thing, and that she obviously hated Teresa, but they've all moved on since then. Except that they totally haven't. And then Teresa screams for a while about how she never did anything to hurt Melissa or her family, and they're jus' jellus. Jacqueline then points out that it's nice to see actual emotion from Teresa, and that she's clearly not ready to move on even though she's tried to sweep all of this crap under the rug. Oh, here we go. Another fascinating analysis of the Gorga clan.
Oh God, and then who shows up but Caroline, asking why everybody is screaming. But don't worry, she's not lurking like a creeper or anything. She just came by to drop off some baby clothes that Jacqueline left at her place. Teresa is not happy to see her, and says that she feels ambushed. Caroline scowls and wonders aloud why Teresa feels ambushed. And then Jacqueline mentions the In Touch article, and Teresa claims that she didn't put the article out there. She further claims that she doesn't get paid for these articles and Caroline is like, duh, you told us in Chicago that you do. And then of course Caroline gets to her real issue, which is the fact that Teresa "slandered" her in that one article from last week that didn't even have Teresa saying anything bad about her. If anyone needs to get over it, it's clearly Caroline. She also wonders, in a rage-filled type of wondering, why Teresa didn't say anything to her about the article when they were in Chicago. Teresa just wanted everyone to have a nice gay wedding, okay! And then Teresa stands up and her hands are gripping the ends of the table, but I think it's one of those heavy iron outdoor tables and thus beyond even her Hulk-like abilities to flip.
Jacqueline, meanwhile, is once again sad that she can't even be the center of her own argument. Everyone is screaming and Jacqueline tells them to shut the fuck up so she can do some role-playing about how Teresa should have handled discussing the article with Caroline. Teresa quite rightly rolls her eyes. In her words, "Holy shit. Are these bitches really role playing?" She puts out the theory that Jacqueline has lost her mind. Who wouldn't, living amongst these people? Oh God, and then we go back to the cookbook issue. In case you were unclear, Caroline is still mad about FabuliciousGate. And in case you were wondering, Teresa still doesn't think she did anything wrong. Then Teresa and Caroline call each other crazy as Jacqueline looks sad. Caroline brings up the fact that Teresa wants everyone else to hate Melissa and Kathy, and Teresa denies it for a minute but then is too dumb to maintain the façade and asks aloud why Caroline can't see that Melissa is full of shit when everyone else has. Caroline is like, "Checkmate! Good day, sir!" And then she accuses Teresa of never having been her friend. Didn't this already happen, I don't know, like every episode since the end of last season?
Anyway, Caroline hates Teresa. She says that Teresa has been trying to poison the minds of her family members against her (by this I'm guessing she means Dina) with no remorse and no accountability. Caroline recognizes this now, and doesn't want to be part of it. Teresa yells that she's telling the truth, about what I don't even know at this point. But Caroline feels that Teresa betrayed her, was never her friend, and treated her as an accessory. Teresa is like, "I have better taste in accessories than that!" At this point in time, Caroline says that she can't be anything more than cordial to Teresa. And clearly she can't even do that very well. Jacqueline doesn't want to fight with Teresa, and says that for her own health she's going to distance herself from Teresa and her family. Poor Jacqueline, she actually seems legitimately upset about it. Teresa says that she feels like she's going through a friendship divorce, and never expected Jacqueline to turn on her. She thought they would grow old together, drinking wine and being dumb as they scooted around on their motorized wheelchairs. She tells Jacqueline that she's sad about this whole situation, and also doesn't need this stress when she's maybe on the verge of jail or whatever. Teresa's overarching lesson from all this is that you have to keep your guard up, because there are evil people out there, and sometimes they come in the shape of your friends. I will keep that one in mind!
week: Juicy tells Teresa to find a new friend. Jacqueline has a breakdown. Teresa wants to go to therapy with Joe, and to confront Melissa about the whole Danielle situation, and tells Jacqueline to buzz off. Jacqueline drowns her sorrows in booze, surprise.
Potes still can't believe that she's recapping this show. Sympathize @traciepotes or via email at potesypotes@gmail.com.