PREVIOUSLY
Everybody geared up for the gay wedding of one of Caroline's one million imaginary siblings. Everybody was weird about gay stuff except for this gross straight chick, who was awfully comfortable with Rosie's sexuality, which was awfully uncomfortable for just everybody else. Caroline enjoyed finding more things to be sanctimonious about, while Teresa was more than happy to provide everybody with more reasons to hate her, because she is really just the stupider version of Danielle and always has been. Milania's success as the poster child for Future Serial Killers Of North America caused Gia to act like a normal kid; Jackie tried to read her a book, which offended Teresa because she doesn't want her children around books.
JACQUELINE
Jackie: "Chris, what are you going to wear?"
Chris: "I was thinking clothes."
Jackie: "That checks out. Hey, what are you reading?"
Chris: "Just this magazine. Oh, which coincidentally has a picture of Teresa on the cover talking about her financial troubles and hugging a random dog."
Jackie: "That's so funny because Teresa hates dogs. She thinks they're talking down to her."
FLASHBACK
Teresa, Terrified: "Oh my Gawd, is that a dog?"
Helpful Child: "No, Teresa. That is a shrub. It's okay."
HOTEL ROOMS: JACKIE & CAROLINE
Jackie: "It is harder and harder to act sympathetic about Teresa, because I am basically a normal person and she is the Tasmanian Devil. But I will continue to fake my way through."
Chris: "My favorite part of this article is how it mentions Caroline. How she endlessly bullies Teresa, who endlessly makes sure she will bully her."
Jackie: "Yeah, this day just got a shitload more awesome."
Greg: "I need some toothpaste and a magazine. And for somebody to explain why I'm here."
Lauren: "I just need like a hug."
Caroline: "You'll get a hug when you stop being a girl, you fat monster."
(Lauren's brothers roll around in the remains of a dead animal they have found.)
Caroline: "Why can't you be more like your brothers? Why don't you have a gay dude you take everywhere for mysterious reasons? Or alcoholism?"
Lauren: "I am working on it."
Greg: "Caroline, I just brought you this magazine so you'll have something to bitch about."
Caroline: "That's why you're the daughter I never had."
The magazine talks about how much everybody hates Teresa, but of course because Teresa is a monster she says they hate her because she is poor. Surprisingly, Jackie thinks this is hilarious, and even more surprisingly, Caroline thinks this worth getting bitchy about.
Caroline: "The thing is that Joe Giudice doesn't really need money that much. Just someone to abuse. But Teresa, she really thinks money matters."
Lauren: "I was just thinking that. The same thing you just said."
Caroline: "Well, you were wrong. As usual."
Jackie: "My understanding is that the Giudice's main source of income is magazine stories like this. So in the final analysis, does it even matter if they're true? She's dumb and deluded, so either way it's true to her. I don't see Teresa being capable of manufacturing controversy."
Chris: "I'm torn. I want to see Caroline freak out about this, because that's funny, but then too I don't feel like putting on pants."
Jackie: "It's hilarious to pretend that I have hope or sympathy for Teresa, so that's what I'm going to do. But I do wonder how Caroline will react. Either she will realize this doesn't really impact her life either way, or she is going to act like this is a huge attack on herself and her family. I am guessing B."
Caroline: "The answer is B."
Lauren & Greg: "We don't really know what you want us to say right now, but we're pretty sure it's going to end up mostly being about you ranting anyway."
Caroline: "This magazine where she barely mentions me is a slap in the face."
Lauren & Greg: "I don't think you should have a fight with her about this. She's kind of too dumb to talk to."
Caroline: "I agree with you, but I am still going to start shit."
Lauren: "So we're taking the high road?"
Caroline: "That would be the best thing, wouldn't it?"
TERESA
Teresa & Joe: "We are so sexual!"
Joe: "Please stop bothering me because I am asleep."
Teresa: "But I'm bored!"
Joe: "This fake wedding is kind of depressing."
Teresa: "Because of servile rights. Several rights? Civ... Civil rights."
Joe: "But I bet it will be a lovely wedding. Gays are fuckin' classy."
FLASHBACK
Joe: "Greg! How loose is your butthole? From getting sodomized all the time."
Everybody: "Whoa, what?"
TERESA
Teresa: "Why would a person get offended by that? Everybody's so sensitive. It was a joke? Funny? Ha-ha?"
Joe: "No, I just can't stop thinking about Greg's ass. It's not that complicated."
JACQUELINE
Chris: "I think you should weigh very carefully the benefits and costs of bringing this up with Teresa at somebody else's wedding."
Jackie: "Very true. On the one hand, it would be hilarious to set her off. On the other hand, she is ten miles of bullshit whenever you give her a reason."
Chris: "So you are... Definitely going to bring this magazine up at the wedding, then."
Jackie: "Oh, I am absolutely going to do that."
Teresa rings their hotel room bell one million times, because she is the fuckin' worst. Tre and Jackie talk about hats.
Teresa: "You remind me of that princess. Kate Hudson."
Chris: "Oh, I see that over-rehearsed thing you just did, where you pretend to be even stupider than you actually are."
Everybody: Laughs politely. Funny. Ha-ha.
Jackie: "So. I guess you got a dog?"
Teresa, grinning: "What? I hate those things. Why do you ask?"
Jackie: "Right. So clearly you want me to ask about the magazine article."
Teresa, manic: "Yeah! That's why I came to this wedding. But to answer your question, those dogs were supplied by the magazine. Which I can barely even remember. What was the cover copy, on the thousand copies of that magazine I bought this morning? That was a quote of something I said? It's so not a big deal that I can't even remember. I mean, aren't you afraid to be poor? Isn't that a relatable quote of something I maybe said?"
Jackie: "I've been poor before. I mean, I've never filed for bankruptcy, like some people, but it's something I understand. I would have to say there are worse things than being poor. Like being illiterate, for one example. Or having the manners of a donkey that has just smoked crack."
Jackie: "What about that part where they quoted you saying that you'd been bullied by Caroline?"
Teresa: "Yeah, I don't know where they got that. I hope it doesn't cause a massive meltdown or anything, because that would really be ironic."
Jackie: "Do you know what the word 'quote' means?"
Teresa: "I absolutely do not. They asked me questions and I answered them. That's all."
(Teresa, worried: "I really don't think Jackie understands what magazines are.")
Teresa: "But that's just the beginning of the rabbit hole, as far as the rumors and direct quotes and other nonsense. Did you know Joe and I are cheating on each other? Did you know he hits me? Did you know I read at a fourth-grade level? I mean, it's ridiculous."
(Jacqueline: "I am starting to think that Teresa is losing her mind. What is left of her mind.")
Juicy rings the hotel room bell one million times, because he is the fuckin' worst.
Chris: "Your family is really rude. In most ways, I would say. You have sort of cornered the market on that. You're like the von Trapps of alienating people, with your constant horrible actions."
Teresa: "I know! It's so funny."
SHUTTLE
They are all wearing tiny hats or fascinators and everybody on the entire shuttle looks like a dickhead. Do you think one of the brothers is sleeping with Greg? Do you know which one? It seems like maybe they're not sure either. I can barely tell them apart as it is.
Lauren: "Well, I am dressed on the outside like I feel on the inside. In other news, my brothers and their boyfriend have decided to give my boyfriend Vito some lessons in how to be a douchebag. I wonder if I shall every marry."
The Svelte & Active Caroline Manzo: "Probably not if you keep dressing like this, you yeti."
Lauren: "You are right. How dare I."
Everybody tries to talk like they are British. Lauren is full of beans. Teresa tries to talk like she's British but she just talks like Teresa. Everybody laughs politely.
Teresa: "Even Kate Hudson would like my hat. Or my same joke again."
Teresa: "Hey, let's talk about Melissa. Her house on the shore."
Everybody: "...Here we fuckin' go."
Jackie: "So she has a redone home now?"
Teresa: "Good one. That was a good burn. I'm going to pretend I'm too dumb to understand the joke, but between you and I that was a good joke."
Juicy: "I too get the joke."
MELISSA
Melissa: "I never, ever get the joke. That's why I'm half-naked, wearing a dreamcatcher instead of a shirt."
Neighbors: "This is great that you're going to come over here and throw a huge loud gavone party with a whole camera crew and loud music and everything. On the Jersey shore that sort of thing is acceptable."
Melissa: "Everybody's going to get wild. I heard Richie might take his glasses off!"
Melissa's kids do weird stuff in the background the whole time. They pour an entire bottle of Malibu Rum in the blender, so that'll end well.
Joe: "I am full of poison, meaning semen, and also news. Here is that magazine."
Melissa: "Did they get a dog? With their no money?"
Kathy: "Teresa hates dogs. She thinks they're patronizing."
Kathy is mad because Teresa is quoted as calling her a bully -- which honestly she isn't, she's awesome, but in the Kingdom of the Borderline everyone's an enemy, and you can't speak the truth to a liar without activating their narcissism, so even just acting like a normal person ends up looking a lot like bullying -- and Melissa is mad because the picture of her in the magazine is less lovely than in real life.
Joe: "She puts a wall up with people. I don't get it!"
Melissa: "I know, sweetie. I wish she would get therapy. I say that with love."
Kathy: "I just don't know which Teresa to believe. The one I remember from childhood, or the asshole one that's been on TV for years talking shit about all of us. It's just so tangled."
Melissa: "This conversation is not about me, but since it's not possible for me to remove more clothing I'm just going to burst into tears instead."
SHUTTLE
Juicy "hilariously" calls his wife a whore several times, and she "jokingly" punches him in the nose, so he "delightfully" breaks her arm. Everybody feels nervously "delighted" by this "deftly comedic" display of dysfunction. The fact that they are all wearing those ridiculous trashy dumb hats just makes it bearable, instead of scary and sad. I hope they never take 'em off.
Chris: "Something about some wine company, so we're all going to Napa Valley."
Albie or the other one: "[Spit take! Wine Country!]"
Jackie: "And then suddenly Chris is inviting everybody with us to Napa? Not sure how that happened. I mean, I know exactly how it happened, because it happens on every Real Housewives show at least once a season, but for the purposes of pretending any of this is real, I gotta say it was a total shock."
Teresa: "Caroline, are you reading your wedding speech?"
Caroline: "Yeah."
Teresa: "Caroline, I love your hat!"
Caroline: "Okay."
Teresa: "Caroline, I'm serious about that hat! It doesn't look like a wedge salad at all."
Caroline: "I could happily do this all day."
Teresa: "Forcing people to be horrible to me is pretty much my MO at all times. It gives me a sense of purpose in this very confusing world of ours."
Caroline: "...I mean, shut up. You and your hat, shut up."
The thing that drives me nuts about Caroline is that, yes, she is the worst, but she's also rarely, if ever, wrong. It's very confusing. You want to agree with her, but you don't want her to know that you agree with her. Or I guess it's kind of educational: That being right about everything -- even things like personality problems or family dynamics -- doesn't make a difference as far as whether or not you are an asshole, or yourself immune to charges of having personality problems or shitty family dynamics. Being good at Connect Four doesn't make you an airline pilot, or a brontosaurus, or the creator of the Snuggie. You know? Two separate questions.
THE WEDDING
Actually is quite lovely. There are bowties, a harp, some waterfowl. Bruschetta.
Greg's Boyfriends: "Gays are so interesting! So Other."
Lauren: "Let's talk about my period! Sometimes I'm just asking for it."
(Jackie: "My wedding was kind of trashy. A soccer game was taking place nearby. I wore gray slacks and there were Polaroids.")
Teresa can't quit calling it a Gay Wedding, which, not a huge surprise. But she says it like a million times. "Oh, it took place during the daytime. Oh, there was weather and the air had oxygen in it. They exchanged rings. I am learning so much about gay weddings." Family members hug and chatter; Jackie is adorable walking in heels on the grass. The couple arrives in a ... Clydesdale-drawn coach.
Juicy: "They did the horse's hair, even."
Albie or the other one: "If I stand very still and show no emotion, the gay won't get on me."
Chris: "My gay brother. Let's hear it for him. In a family as big as ours, especially now that Caroline has alienated most of the ones that would even come to a gay wedding in the first place, you have to pick your allies carefully."
Like all Lady-Priests, in both real life and on TV, she immediately starts in with this whole "the universe recognizes your energy" nonsense. Everybody pretends to care what she's saying, except for Teresa who is getting side-eye from their gay dog, and everybody breaks out in a sweat. The two gay dudes that are getting married look lovely.
Caroline: "This wedding would be a lot less boring if it were about me. But my time will come."
Jamie gives a pretty great speech about how much he loves Rich and how wonderful today is, and everybody claps. Rich makes everybody laugh and breaks the tension with a little joke before bursting into tears with a very sweet, heartfelt speech about how Jamie is perfect. I'm not going to lie, this part was awesome. Everybody cries, the dogs bark, it's excellent.
Lady Priest: "Caroline, you're on. Share some of your nonstop insights with us."
Caroline... Does? I am not sure what her metaphor is about. They are climbing a love mountain made of brains, and some of the brains are supportive and other brains not so much, but the brains that are at this gay wedding are there to see a mountain made of brains. Something like that. It's very moving, if you just stick with the emotion and watching the husbands be overwhelmed and joyous, and not so much try to parse what she is actually saying. Which makes it a good wedding speech.
Caroline: "Coming out of the closet was tough on everybody. Less you, more everybody else. The important thing is that our father didn't disown you. And that both of you are my brothers. I can't help but think that Dina's absence is all about me, also."
They trade rings and let some butterflies out, which takes Teresa's breath away because she likes shiny unexpected things, but also distracts everybody from watching two dudes kiss. That's fairly brilliant, actually. time you're about to do something super gay, release a ton of butterflies first and see if that doesn't take the pressure off everybody a little bit.
SHORE PARTY
Joe is, of course, wearing a kerchief on his head so you won't ever know what his head looks like, and then introduces Melissa to sing her new song. It's kind of a gay marriage of a different sort. So then she lip-syncs her Melissa song, doing her usual thing, and Joe does a dance, and Rosie gets her Rosie on and it's awesome.
Richie: "Joe, what is the update on your couples therapy with your sister?"
Joe: "She's been really busy, you know. Fake dogs and interviews and stuff. Just never let it be said that I don't want to make things work with my sister. Or get to the bottom of her weird obsession with me."
Richie: "I want to watch you send her a text message with your shirt off. That would really make today complete."
Joe: "What should I say?"
Richie: "Just use short words."
Joe: "There was never any doubt about that."
Joe: "My new theory is that this has to do with Juicy. With Juicy doing the time-tested Sleeping With the Enemy thing of cutting his wife off from everybody she knows or loves."
Right, because Teresa has no agency and makes no choices in her own life to act like a beast all the time. It must be because she's being mind-controlled by Juicy Joe. A man who couldn't give less of a shit about any of this if he actually lived in the town over. I'm not saying their relationship isn't sick, because it's sick and getting sicker, but I don't really think either of them is the Patient Zero here. Any more than I think going to therapy with Teresa Giudice would do a damn thing to change the situation. Therapy is like, some people are too smart to be affected by it -- the Will Hunting scenario -- because they outwit the therapist. And then way down on the other end of the bell curve, which is literally a curve shaped like a bell, you have ... Gorga stock. You have what the Gorga family has produced.
SHUTTLE
Somebody: "Lauren, who would you be in Titanic?"
Lauren: "As you can tell by my hat, I would be part of the aristocracy."
Juicy: "Actually, you'd be... Never mind."
Everybody: "Oh, I hope he says something horrible. I really think somebody decimating Lauren Manzo emotionally would be an amusing change of pace."
Lauren: "Just don't compare me to the Unsinkable Molly Brown."
Nobody: "I understand that reference, and it is valid! Well done. Whereas the truth is that you'd be the person everybody would trample on their way to the lifeboats."
Gay Brothers: "Just say it! Just say the horrible thing! It is the only time any of us like each other is when we're bagging on Lauren! Take part!"
Juicy: "You know the one with all the money that talked too much?"
Everybody: "Ha! The Unsinkable Molly Brown! Delightful!"
Lauren: "Okay, like I just said that?"
Caroline: "No one listens when you speak. No one will ever love you. You deserve nothing."
Juicy: "I'm just saying, you're like a younger fatter version of Kathy Bates."
Caroline: "Uproarious!"
Lauren: "Honestly, I miss Ashley. At least when everybody shit on her she was asking for it, because she is the worst. I'm just like this ... Chinese Daughter nobody wanted, and because I'm the smartest person in the room, you all resent me."
Caroline: "No, it's just that we were all raised to hate women. Especially ourselves. The fact that you're the smartest person in the room doesn't help, but it's not the main reason."
Gay Brothers: "Well, that and the exhausting cognitive dissonance of pretending we're ever going to be successful in any arena of life, thus justifying Caroline's existence and value as a mother. That's gotta be a burden."
Caroline: "That's part of it too, yeah."
RECEPTION
Albie or the other one: "Is that a potato? Or a mushroom?"
Greg: "You honestly don't understand the very simple food in this buffet?"
Whichever one: "No! I need your help with everyday life!"
Juicy: "Nothing I like better than the chance to yell at somebody for being stupid. Move, you whores!"
(Caroline: "I want to eat pork, I enjoy it very much, but I don't want to see the roasted pig it came from. That's a metaphor.")
Everybody: "Let's talk about food and have some drinks and enjoy ourselves!"
Teresa: "Absolutely not if I can help it. I have received a text."
She reads a text to the table that, sic, her "book is on the New Yorks Times Bestsellers." A half-hearted cheer goes up. Jackie crosses her eyes and sips her drink, in her giant hat, and it's delightful; Caroline digs her nails into her palms until blood shoots everywhere. Teresa makes a passive-aggressive speech about how supportive they've all been, and thanks for inviting me to this gay wedding, and calls them all "family." Oh, it's the last one that fucking pushes Caroline over the edge.
Caroline: "Can anybody ever have anything? Anything? It's my brother's wedding. Why does it have to be about you, Teresa, when by all rights it should be about me. And thus, by complaining about that, I end up making it about me. Done."
They toast the couple of the hour, who are still crying, and we talk about how Chicago is gay. Our cast chats about this and that, lets out a few burps, and everybody drinks.
Juicy: "Lovemaking with my wife is so sensual all the time!"
SHORE PARTY
Joe and Rosie are bros, always so confusing and delightful. Apropos of nothing, Melissa sits down to tell us how it is. The real deal about the kind of people they are.
Melissa: "We've always been the party people. We like to keep it classy. But yet sexy at the same time. That's what Joe and I do; that's our motto."
It's true. Their family crest is this poison-spurting penis dressed like a cat-burglar, and it's saying Keep it classy, but yet sexy at the same time.
Further to this end, Rosie and a bevy of shirtless Italian fellows have covered Joey in whipped cream. All of the men, as usual, can't stop putting things down Joey's pants. The most mysterious thing about this show. They squirt into their own and each other's mouths, and everybody climbs all over Joe, and they're pushing him in the pool and chasing him around and... Horseplay. Just endless amounts of good old red-blooded American horseplay.
Joe's headwrap remains steadfast, as though stapled on. What do you think he's got going on up there? Maybe a tattoo. Maybe a tattoo of their family crest, or maybe a tattoo of Teresa eating a bagel in her nightgown. Maybe some kind of magical symbol that gives him this charisma that doesn't translate on camera, but would explain a lot. Like if you were actually there, he wouldn't just be a four-foot tall meathead with weirdly huge eyes and a secret on the top of his head, and suddenly you'd be like, "I cannot wait to stick something down that dude's pants."
Richie: "God, am I glad Teresa isn't here. She would make it all about herself, and we're much more comfortable having it be all about Joey Gorga for some reason. Hang on, I think somebody just pushed him into the pool. God, this is the most fun any of us has ever had in our lives."
My favorite thing about the show for the last couple years, besides Jackie and now Rosie -- I may have said this last year too, actually -- is how much Kathy Wakile likes to say facts as if they are jokes. All of her talking heads are just her saying some obvious, banal thing, and then grinning like she just laid down a Comedy Central special. It's so great, she's awesome. If Cindy Barshop had just done this one trick I think she would have been a hit. But instead she took her complete lack of a sense of humor and treated it like it was enough.
Kathy: "Whipped cream is a food. I don't want to play with it, I want to eat it. That's what you do with food."
And then always this parakeet-feather grin, like, "Booyah!"
RECEPTION
Caroline: "Don't make me dance! Just don't try and pull me out on the dancefloor you guys! Come on guys, I hate dancing! Don't make me dance! Fine, I'll dance."
She dances, of course. And then says something weird.
Caroline: "Caroline Manzo dances. But not on bars. I'm somebody's mother."
Unspoken: "...Specifically, two Somebodies. Trust me, if it were just Lauren I'd be dancing on bars all the time. Because I'd have nothing left to lose."
SOMEHOW
Jacqueline and Teresa find their way to a giant statue of Buddha. Teresa babbles out some fucking nonsense and Jackie's dancing to music only she can hear and just sort of repeating back whatever words she can puzzle out of Teresa's babble, and then T gets the text from her brother Joey about the creepy couples therapy. It takes her even longer to read it out loud than it did for him to peck it out one letter at a time.
Jackie: "Do you realize I have my own fucking life?"
Teresa: "No."
Jackie: "That checks out."
Teresa, verbatim: "I know, 110 percent, [that] I don't need therapy."
Jackie: "...Sure?"
Teresa: "I mean, why would I go to therapy?"
Jackie: "Good point, Teresa. Why indeed."
Teresa: "I just feel like he's dredging up the past. I don't carry grudges."
(Jackie: "That's all you ever have, are you kidding me?")
Teresa: "Maybe he should go to therapy with Melissa. That's what my husband says, anyway. That I don't need therapy. That Joe and Melissa are the problem."
Jackie: "I do feel like maybe Juicy is part of the problem also."
Teresa: "Are you telling me to get a divorce?"
Jackie: "Uh, no. But it's interesting that you said that, out of nowhere."
Teresa explains for the millionth time that Juicy won't let her go to therapy because they are Italian.
Jackie: "So like what do you even want? All you talk about is your relationship with your brother and wanting to fix it, but then when anybody brings that up, you start talking about your husband and how he doesn't want you to fix it, but when anybody brings that up, in turn, you just start talking about unrelated nonsense."
Teresa: "Jackie, stop telling me to get a divorce. It's not going to happen."
Jackie: "I didn't."
Teresa: "Why are you telling me to go to therapy? That's not going to happen."
Jackie: "I'm literally just standing here being adorable and not saying anything right now."
Teresa: "I feel like you're not listening to my crazy ranting!"
Jackie: "It's amusing to pretend that I give a shit. And I suppose pretending to be supportive is one way that I retain my sanity with this weird troll constantly climbing up my leg about nonsense. But it can also be tiring. Because girlfriend makes no sense, at all."
MORE WEDDING STUFF
They set things on fire and launch them into the sky. Like hot-air balloons or something.
Jamie: "They're call wish balloons."
Rich: "Wish lanterns."
Jamie: "Whatever. Clearly this part wasn't my idea."
It's a lovely effect, truly. And Chicago burns to the ground once again. Thanks, guys.
Juicy: "My wish lantern wish is that you won't go to therapy. And that you will continue to cut yourself all from your friends, family and reality until all we have left is me, you, drinking, and eventually Milania killing us all in our beds one night."
Teresa: "My wish lantern wish is that you will go to jail and my nightmare can be over."
Jackie: "My wish lantern wish is that Teresa -- with her complete lack of problems she doesn't create for herself -- could be as happy as these two gay dudes who have managed to build a joyful life even in the absence of basic civil rights."
Caroline: "I just wish Teresa wasn't here."
Juicy: "I also wish everything could be as beautiful as a gay wedding. But it won't ever be."
WEEK
Teresa and Juicy are going to jail, but don't seem too concerned about it because they are delusional con artists. Jackie worries about this, which makes Teresa think that she has gone quote "heckle and jive." I don't know what that means, but I'm fairly certain it's a bad thing. Teresa screams at Jackie about Melissa some more, presumably out of nowhere, so Jackie tries to explain to Teresa that she might be going insane. Teresa interprets this as an expression of Jackie's jealousy toward Teresa's imaginary (yet somehow still terribly sad) life, which is Caroline's cue to show up and hand Teresa some of her unhelpful bullshit about how Teresa is in fact crazy, and that's when things get real.
I have no idea what Rosie will be up to, but I hope somebody tells her about the Wish Lanterns because I think she'd really get a kick out of those.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Killing, Bunheads, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on Tor.com in October 2012. His wish lantern wish is that Jacqueline and Kim G would have their own show where they ride motorcycles around America to different spots of historical interest.