Previously on Masterpiece Classic Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Oh my God, kill me. Er, I mean, Ashle(e)(y) Skyped from wherever the hell she is now, Richie suggested that Joe Gorga and Teresa go to couples therapy as their family feud raged on, and Gia freaked out at field day and caused problems between Teresa and her only remaining ally, Jacqueline.
We enter with an aerial shot of the scenic circle of hell known as Franklin Lakes, and hear the melodic sounds of the Giudice spawn yelling at each other. Mini-terror Milania, who is secretly the greatest, harasses Gia about whether she's texting her boyfriend, and then Gia gets hostile in response, and then Milania tattles to Teresa that Gia is being fresh. Teresa is too busy using cover-up to hide the tears and sadness on her face to truly intervene, and Milania suggests that Joe Giudice should take away Gia's phone. You have to admire her proactivity in not only complaining, but suggesting possible solutions to the problem as well. Teresa understates that Gia has been in a bad mood lately, and notes that she was surprised at how she lashed out at Joe Gorga on game day, given her abiding love for Zio Joe. Thus, Teresa infers, something is really bothering her. With the way this kid's life is turning out, what wouldn't be bothering her?
Teresa tries to get Gia to talk about field day, asking what she and Zio Joe were talking about. Gia cops a major attitude as she says that they were just talking about how he and Teresa are going to make things better. Teresa wants more details, but Gia just rolls her eyes like 1,000 times in response. And so Teresa tells Gia that even though she gets upset she will always love her brother Joe, and is in fact trying to make it better. Teresa asks Gia if she has any advice on how to make the relationship better, and Gia blows her nose heartily in response. Lord Jesus, I am never having children. Teresa wants Gia to know that she's doing whatever it takes to put the family back together, thus providing a model of how to put in a modicum of effort toward family caring and cohesion. Gia remains unimpressed, and nearly dies of embarrassment when Teresa tries to rub noses.
At the Wakile household, everyone is hanging out as Rosie comes to visit. Kathy explains that she and Rosie have had some ups and downs, and that Rosie has always put a distance between them. We see a very '80s photo of the sisters together, and it is truly magical. The hair! If only someone had lit a single match when the entire Gorga/Giudice/Wakile family was in a room together way back in 1987, we wouldn't have to suffer through their shenanigans today. These days, Kathy says, Rosie is much more comfortable with who she is and they can tell each other everything. Meaning, Rosie was a big ol' closet case for a while. She and Kathy talk about her coming out, and Rosie says that she went through a ten-year struggle. Kathy wishes that Rosie could have turned to her during that time, and starts crying a little. She always felt that Rosie was gay, but in their old-fashioned Italian Catholic family, she remained closeted until her 30s. Kathy wants Rosie to always be who she is, and never be afraid that her family won't love her. And I mean, who couldn't love Rosie?
Rosie had been concerned about coming out to the kids when they were younger. Oh, wait! Or now! Oh my God, I am so sure that the Wakile teenagers don't know that Rosie swims in the beaver pond. Kathy offers to play a role in Rosie's coming out to the kids, which Rosie thinks is unnecessary. But by all means, do it when a camera crew is around!
And then it's time to catch up with Melissa. I hadn't really noticed this before, but you could drive a truck through her cleavage. Melissa and Joe drive to some old abandoned mill building that Joe apparently owns, so they can see him "in action." It's take your Real Housewives audience to work day! Joe explains that his job is to take abandoned warehouses and gut them and make luxury apartments. Apparently the asbestos fumes are having a noxious chemical reaction with Melissa's spray tan, because she suddenly gets a feeling like the house is haunted. And then she auditions for a part in House of Whorrors 3: The Gorga-ing. Shouldn't these people be wearing hard hats? Maybe at this point the difference from any sudden head trauma is just negligible.
Joe is very concerned about Gia after the field day incident, and hopes that he and Teresa can resolve their family feud before she starts cutting or whatever. He tells Melissa that it might indeed be time for them to go see a therapist. Melissa, per usual, acts as if she enthusiastically supports a Joe and Teresa reconciliation, but we all know that is not fucking true so she should just drop the act. It would make her way more interesting if she just owned her shadiness. Joe prepares to send his sister a text. A mean text? No, a nice text of course. I thought he only ever sent nice texts!
Oh God, meanwhile, Teresa is hanging out with insufferable hag Kim D. at her sad and abandoned community pool. Teresa explains that she likes Kim D. because she is a total sycophant, though of course she does not use the word "sycophant." If she tried it would come out something like, "Kim D. is a total elephant. Whaaaaaaaaaaa?" Kim D. plies Teresa with wine, as Teresa gets the text from her brother Joe suggesting that they go to family therapy. OH MY GOD, and then we get a shot of Kim D.'s torso in a bikini. Holy fucking fuckballs, you guys. Her chest is made of that Birkin bag that Clint Eastwood's daughter set on fire (while on fire) and widely spaced cantaloupes. If she knew what was good for her she would be wearing a dickie to the pool. Teresa's skin looks dewy and youthful by comparison. Kim and Teresa talk about how Joe was engaged three times before marrying Melissa. What does that have to do with anything? Teresa says that she doesn't need to see a therapist. Uhhhhhh. Hmmm. Kim D. says that of course Teresa doesn't need to see a therapist, but maybe Joe does, and it would be nice of Teresa to go with him. Teresa explains to us that she and her family are old-school Italians and don't believe in therapy. They're all such super-functional human beings, too! As evidenced by how well their family celebrations go! And then Kim D. tells Teresa that she doesn't need therapy, and in fact no one has their shit together more than Teresa. This should tell us something about the company that Kim D. keeps.
After a break, we check in with Caroline. She and Lauren are packing for Caroline's brother Jaime's gay wedding! He's marrying his partner Rich after 13 years, and the theme of the wedding is "pastels and hats." Caroline explains that Caroline Manzo doesn't wear hats. How then to explain the constant hat head? Lauren calls Jaime to ask his fashion advice, and he tells her to wear whatever she thinks is right. He then asks Caroline, as his only sister who is coming to the wedding, if she'll do a reading of some sort. Maybe she can just recite a transcript of Caroline Rules? Caroline tells us that she's one of eleven children, and with a family of that size you can neither expect everyone to be in the same place at the same time for a hastily assembled gay wedding, nor can you expect harmony throughout. She finds it sad that only she, her brother Chris, and her mother are going to the wedding. Dina Manzo will not be in attendance, despite the fact that she is quite close with Jaime. I am literally on the edge of my futon with anticipation of more information about the Dina/Caroline feud!
Jacqueline is going to the wedding, as is Teresa, since she is Jaime's friend. Little Gabriella whispers something in Teresa's ear and Teresa confirms that yes, a couple of gay guys are getting married. Little terrorist Milania yells out, "They kiss!" Jacqueline notes that at the moment things are bad between Caroline and Teresa, but they are grown adults and should be able to co-exist peacefully. HAHAHA. Teresa isn't worried about it either, because she and Caroline are completely cordial with each other. This is foreshadowing of doom, right? Teresa then -- wait for it -- tells Jacqueline that Joe Gorga texted her and suggested that they go see a -- wait for it, again -- physical therapist together. Jacqueline looks momentarily confused, and likely wonders if Teresa has a hamstring issue. Eventually she figures it out, though, and tells us that she personally is a big believer in therapy, but it's not going to be effective if you're not open to it and just shift blame the whole time. Jacqueline points out to Teresa that if you keep shoving things under the rug without getting to the root of a problem, the same things will keep resurfacing. Teresa yells that she doesn't have a problem with Joe. Jacqueline calls bullshit, but not to Teresa's face.
And then it's time to go for pizza with the Wakiles and Rosie. Rich tells us that Rosie was afraid to come out to him, because she thought that he might keep her from seeing the kids. This of course did not come to pass, and Rich says that in fact their relationship is better than ever now that Rosie doesn't have a big closeted chip on her shoulder. Rosie sits with Victoria and Joseph and tells them about how when her father was dying, he expressed worry that she wouldn't get married and would be alone. And then she's crying, and Victoria is crying, and she talks about how she went through the coming out process by herself, but that she's on the right track, baby, because she was born this way. The kids are obviously sympathetic and accepting, and Rosie says that thought it's still hard for her, she doesn't want it to affect her relationship with them. She asks if they have any questions, and Joseph asks if homosexual people have gaydar. That is way milder than what I was expecting from him.
With that, everyone's getting ready for the big gay wedding! Jacqueline asks Chris Laurita how he feels about his brother getting married, and he says that when Jaime first came out it was weird, because they used to always hang out and pick up girls together and stuff. So, it was a bit of a surprise. Jacqueline notes that it must have taken a lot of courage for Jaime to come out, and then Chris clowns that he and Rich Wakile have secretly been dating. I actually could see that. We switch to the Giudice house, where Teresa asks Joe where all of his "luggages" are. With his typical softspoken manner, he replies, "Up your ass." I would just love to stick him anus-first on the tip of a rocket and blast him into space. He threatens to go to the wedding wearing shorts and a jacket with no shirt, which he deems appropriate gay wedding attire. Teresa tells us that, despite what people think, Joe is not a raging homophobe. We then get a montage of Joe's best homophobic moments, including his enduring catchphrase, "Listen, no offense to the faggot, I call him a faggot because I think he's a fucking faggot." I mean, that's solid reasoning at least. Teresa explains to us that she's been trying to get Joe to stop saying the f-word, and also that the Giudices love the gays. Obviously.
And then it's time to get the latest news about Ashle(e)(y). It turns out her dad has realized that she's a complete nightmare, and is puzzled about why Jacqueline and Chris have given her so many chances. Jacqueline is greatly enjoying this turn of events. Meanwhile, people start to talk about Dina! YES. Teresa tells Joe that she thinks that Dina has to work and that's why she's not attending the wedding, but Jacqueline says Dina's recent absence in general is due to tension between her and Caroline. We then cut to a clip from the season three reunion in which Caroline says that Dina is not talking to her. And then Jacqueline gets down to details. Apparently, Teresa told Dina that Caroline said that she was going to try to take her down in the realm of business opportunities. But Caroline never said that, according to Jacqueline. At that point, though, Dina just held on to Grandma Wrinkles and pulled back from the whole crazy bunch of bitches for a while. We always knew that Dina was the only sane one.
We then go back to the Wakiles, who are at their rental on the shore. Rosie comes pulling up in some insane red Ferrari-esque car, which apparently belongs to Rich and is a real chick magnet hubba hubba. Rosie and Rich admire the catering staff, and though Rosie says that they're not into the ladies Rich tells her that he's heard a lot about how the kids are all experimenting these days. Kathy tells us that Rosie has only brought a couple of ladies around the house, one of whom was apparently awful. We can only hope that she'll make an appearance!
And then we are in Chicago for Jaime and Rich's wedding! Everyone rides in a shuttle together, and Caroline looks annoyed as Teresa shows preemptive fear of Jaime's dogs, for the reason that she has sweet blood and always gets bitten. Caroline begrudges the fact that Teresa is being upbeat and happy and cordial while she wants to hang on to bitterness and resentments as much as possible and have them permeate the air in all settings. The motley crew arrives at Jaime and Rich's house, which looks like something out of Hansel and Gretel meets Dollywood. Caroline's mother, Nettie, is on hand already, and we hear Jaime say to Chris that he wishes Dina had been able to make it. Caroline tells us that she holds Teresa responsible for a lot of her fractured relationships, because Teresa puts the wood on her family's fire. In other words, she's a shit-stirrer. Meanwhile, Caroline puts the lid on Teresa's family feuds. What does that even mean? Jamie's fiancé, Rich, is totally cute, as are their dogs. Teresa is still afraid of the dogs, and Caroline smiles as she notes that her own family calls her a bulldog.
We get a mini-tour of Jamie and Rich's house, which is built around a giant tree. You can't even blame Teresa for mixing up her words while talking about this particular architectural feat. Chris Manzo comes out in favor of gay marriage, and also human-tree marriage, and also shellfish eating. Take that, bible! Joe Giudice asks Jaime what type of perfume he's wearing, as Caroline is worried that Joe is going to say something offensive. Yes, I can see where that might be a concern. Jamie points out a craft involving a creepy doll's head that Rich made him, and says himself, "How gay is this shit?" This is Joe's opening to tell a charming story about how he and some kid named Jaime whipped out their dicks in a pool to see whose was bigger, like two gay guys. Jacqueline quite appropriately looks nervous. Also, great story. The rehearsal commences, and Caroline stands at the podium, practicing for when she'll give her remarks about Jaime's struggles in coming out and how far he's come. She doesn't know what to say, and so decides that she'll wing it. Teresa prattles on happily, and Caroline stews. Jacqueline wonders if Teresa even knows that Caroline still hates her.
Back at the Jersey shore, the Gorgas arrive. They have cocktails, and Kathy's friends Heather and Rich show up. Is this Heather's audition for the show? In any case, everyone in the room wants to bone her, especially Rosie. Meanwhile, Joe Gorga tells Rich that he's considering his advice about going to family therapy with Teresa. Apparently, Teresa hasn't yet responded to the text. Joe theorizes that Teresa is probably saying that he needs therapy, which is in fact exactly what happened. Joe Gorga is psychic! Anyway, Joe is ready to seek professional help to heal their relationship if Teresa is willing. Melissa tells us that if Joe doesn't hear from Teresa soon, he should maybe just let it go. But then we would be deprived of seeing their televised Neanderthal family therapy session! Elsewhere, Rosie and Heather flirt while Joe Gorga changes his shorts unnoticed. I'm not exactly sure what is happening right now. Oh God, and then everyone is drunk and in the hot tub. This Heather chick has brought a skimpy bikini along with her, and proceeds to straddle Rosie in the hot tub. Rosie replaces the water that has sloshed out of the hot tub with her own drool while Melissa resents not being the most inappropriately dressed person in the room. Meanwhile, Joe Gorga is obsessed with Heather's 6'9" hot black husband and his probably large penis. I would say that this is the biggest, gayest Housewives episode of all time, but it is too easily trumped by everything involving "Money Can't Buy You Class."
Meanwhile, Caroline tells us how when Jaime came out to her, she called Albert while hysterically crying. She explained to Al that she wasn't crying because he was gay, but because of all the pain he would have to endure. But now Jaime has found someone whom he truly loves, and she would rather he live happily with Rich than unhappily with some beard named Susie. True that, Miss Manzo. OH AND THEN. The Manzos and Lauritas and Giudices ride back to their hotel in the shuttle, and it turns out that someone has farted. Joe Giudice has a theory about who, and says to Greg, "You've probably got the loosest butthole here." As will not surprise you, Joe thinks that this is hilarious. You know who doesn't think it's hilarious? Greg. Teresa and Chris Laurita are cackling too, while Jacqueline has a nervous grimace and Caroline covers her eyes with her hands. Caroline says that Joe Giudice is the shell of a man she met four years ago. She looks at him now and sees an unhappy, troubled man who very well might have a drinking problem. Remember how he, like, chipped his tooth while doing somersaults on the marble floor once? ON CAMERA? All I'm saying is, Caroline has a point. Joe apologizes to Greg and gives him a hug and a kiss. Greg is moderately receptive. Caroline is trying to keep all of her feelings in about Joe and Teresa, because she knows that Teresa will ruin her brother's wedding like she ruins everything else. But Caroline is a ticking time bomb, as evidenced by her constant tick tick ticking. As Joe asks Teresa to sit on his finger, we fade out.
week: Joe and Teresa ruin Jaime's wedding, as predicted. And there is more scandal involving shit-talking in a tabloid!
Potes still can't believe that she's recapping this show. Sympathize @traciepotes or via email at potesypotes@gmail.com.