Previously on Masterpiece Classics Presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Lauren is on a diet, and as often happens when people don't eat, she's in a bit of a wicked mood. The Gorgas and Giudices were the collective worst, per usual. And ha! Joe Gorga called himself an angel from God. I mean, obviously. Who else but an angel of God would say "Fuck you, bitch" to his beloved sister as he stormed off?
We begin the episode with Teresa recounting the pool party conversation with her brother to supreme Neanderthal Juicy Joe. Being the kind, supportive spouse that we know him to be, Juicy calls her a fucking idiot for even talking to her brother. He goes on an expletive-laden account of how he, who I believe is the self-proclaimed smartest person since Jesus, would have shown Joe Gorga the hand. Juicy would have told Joe Gorga to go talk to someone who has his mentality. Uhhhhhhhhh. I mean. I guess I would say these mental giants are all equally matched? Teresa uses this as an example of why you shouldn't tell your husband everything. Like, how you shouldn't tell your husband that you're packing up and taking the four kids to a safe house in the middle of the night and leaving him with the pet wolves and the house in foreclosure. Teresa adds that Juicy is also a Gemini, which I guess is the sign of reprehensible assholes. Sorry, Geminis!
Juicy tells Teresa that Joe and Melissa are not welcome in their house, and that they'll never get along with those jealous, no-good idiots. As Teresa starts to protest on behalf of the kids being able to play together, Juicy Joe says, and I quoth, "When I say something, you fucking listen. And shut up." Oh, poor Teresa! I want her to be strategic, and realize that if she divorces this lunk and starts over as a single mom with four kids, she'll totally get a spin-off. She does tell Juicy not to tell her to shut up, especially on camera. And then he gets hostile about her parents as well, and says that if she tries to get him around her family, he'll leave her. OH MY GOD, DO IT. Everyone will be better off! Teresa defends him in an interview, saying that that's not what he means, and that he just babbles when he's angry, and they hardly ever fight. I'm okay with babbling generally, but if that babbling takes the form of, "When I say something, you fucking listen," we're going to have a bit of a problem. But wait, there's more! What more loving words could a dedicated wife hope to hear from her husband than, "Fuck you and your fucking family." I am actually worried about Teresa at this point. And everyone hates her too much to stage an intervention!
We move from this horrible scene to the nearly as horrible footage of Joe Gorga and Richie working out in the gym. Kathy blames the fact that Joe suppresses his anger and frustration for his outburst with Teresa, specifically him telling her to fuck off. It's a real bunch of charmers, here, isn't it? Joe actually feels guilty for calling his sister an effing bitch, and depressed that he can't tell her that he loves her. Well, maybe she inferred it from, "You're a fucking bitch"? Like it's Italian code or something?
And then it's time to catch up with fat fatty fat fat Lauren. She's SO FAT, everyone. And no one likes to remind us of that more than Caroline, who also likes to remind us that she was super tiny her whole life, except for all of the years in which we've seen her on this show. It's no wonder Lauren has a complex. Whatever! She's totally gorgeous and looks great! As she and Alfred hit some golf balls at the saddest driving range ever, Lauren expresses her frustration about her weight to Albert. She doesn't think it's fair that she got stuck with his bum metabolism while the stupid boys can eat boxes and boxes of Oreos and look just fine. Chris tells us that he's actually gained some weight himself, and he and Lauren are just going to have to learn to deal with the fact that Albie is the hot one. I mean... you can't really argue with his point there. Alfred tells us that he was silently glad that Lauren was chubby throughout her high school years because he didn't want her to get laid. Awesome. And then he says to her, "Would you be more attractive if you were thinner? I guess!" Wow, there's nothing like a Manzo's unconditional love. Caroline says, "This world is cruel." As we have just seen! She recounts the tale of how Lauren had to be escorted to her junior prom by Albie because she couldn't get a date. And... okay. Plenty of people of all sizes get dates! Let's chalk this one up to Lauren's low self-esteem, which has its root in her parents saying things like, "Would you be more attractive if you were thinner? I guess!" Lauren points out that her dad can give all the advice he wants, but he has a freaking lap band so shouldn't give her grief about hating her stupid liquid diet.
Oh no, and now we're back to Teresa. Juicy works out in his basement gym and gets a thick layer of 'roid sweat, while Teresa calls Jacqueline. And... among the many reasons to worry about Teresa this season is the fact that she is orange as a cantaloupe. Ease up on the tanning, lady! Teresa recounts all the pool party drama, and how she didn't want to get into it with her brother in front of her kids. She explains that she always wants her daughters to see her happy, so they in turn will believe they have a charmed life. Jacqueline is like, "Duh, have you met Gia?" She reminds Teresa that tomorrow is field day at her house, and it might be weird because the Gorgas will be there. Teresa says no, that she'll come and be fine. She adds that Juicy isn't going to come, which we can all agree is a good thing.
Jacqueline then picks up Lauren so they can go shopping for workout clothes. En route, Lauren says that she wants to lose 45 pounds, and Jacqueline looks concerned as she says that Lauren will be bones. Lauren wants to look like a lollipop, so is cool with that. Jacqueline tells us what we already know, which is that Lauren is a much more enjoyable young woman to be around than Ashley, even with the diet crankiness. Lauren talks about wanting to get a breast reduction, and we learn that Jacqueline had two and looked awesome afterwards. Caroline doesn't want Lauren to get the reduction, because she doesn't want to be the only big-boobed lady in the joint. But no sports bra will even fit her! Your boobs, your choice, Lauren.
It's then time to catch up with Teresa again, this time with all four of her daughters in matching overalls. I don't even know, everybody. The little terrorist Milania calls one of her sisters an idiot, and tells her to shut up. Hmmm, I wonder where she picked that up. Gia then busts out with the fact that she thinks it's time to go bra shopping, and says, "You notice a difference, don't you?" Teresa cops a feel, and tells Gia that she's totally flat, so should get over it. We then get regaled about tales of how Teresa's parents were very old-school and told her nothing about anything, and how Teresa wore pads until she got married and because she didn't want a tampon to take her virginity. I am being serious, here. Gia says that she's wearing tampons and not pads, and that she learned about all of this in the Just for Girls book that Teresa got her. Teresa then tells Juicy that Gia wants to go bra shopping, and he tells her that the baby has bigger boobs than her. Awesome. In any case, Teresa knows that a lot of Gia's friends are getting bras, and even though she doesn't really need one, they can go shopping anyway. See, I actually think she's kind of a good mom, although I wish we had some illustrations of this that didn't involve so much tampon devirginization talk. Gia then tells Teresa that she didn't get boobs until she was 23, which is why she needed a boob job. The brat has a point, I guess.
And then it's time for field day! Albie, Chris and Greg help Jacqueline get ready, which really means making sure everyone will be boozed up enough to deal with the inevitable fallout between Teresa and the Gorgas. Jacqueline is hoping that a good, old-fashioned three-legged race will bring Teresa and Joe back together for keeps. Meanwhile, Lauren gets a little stank about the fact that everyone is trying to ply her with booze when she can't have booze. Or food. Greg offers to give her a salmon-twig shake, which does not go over well.
Meanwhile, Teresa goes "first bra" shopping with Gia and just giggles the whole time. Gia is appropriately mortified about everything that happens. The saleslady then sarcastically shows the most popular bra for young 'uns, which is this giant old lady boulder holder. Teresa gets a pretty great burn in when she says it looks like it's for Caroline. Gia tries on a few bras, and rolls her eyes farther back in her head than I knew eyes could go every time Teresa tries to talk to her about anything.
It's then time to travel to field day with the Gorga family. It turns out Joe Gorga doesn't understand how shoes work. This is not a huge surprise, I have to say. Joe asks Melissa to read aloud an apologetic text that he sent to Teresa. He wants to move forward, but says that something is going on in her life because she's so emotional lately. Oh my God, look at who she's married to! Melissa again makes words about how she wants Joe and his sister to get along, which is total lies. The Gorgas arrive at Casa de Jacqueline and Chris, and Greg asks for dirt about the pool party. Melissa mentions the text, and then Jacqueline gets all confused because she asked Teresa if Joe had reached out to apologize, and Teresa said no. Well maybe it hadn't happened yet! But nobody thinks of this, and of course Caroline is first to call Teresa a liar. Jacqueline says that, due to the layers of lies that Teresa puts out there, there's no way to tell truth from lies anymore. Caroline asks Melissa about the timing of the text, and Melissa says that Joe sent it right after the pool party. Oh, so maybe Teresa is a liar. The bottom line is: they all suck.
Meanwhile, Melissa is wearing the shortest shorts known to man. Teresa notes that she doesn't want to look at Melissa's freaking ass all day, and that she might want to consider dressing appropriately. Albie and Chris sure seem to be enjoying it though. Jacqueline talks to Chris the elder about the whole texting situation, and Chris tells us that Jacqueline is very naïve about who is and isn't trustworthy. Danielle Staub: never forget! He doesn't want to see her hurt, and says he's there to prevent that from happening. The Wakiles then arrive with huge trays of desserts. Chris the younger tells us that Kathy is made of porcelain, rainbows and a child's laughter. Basically, she's enjoyable and harmless. He compares her to Caroline, but with less testosterone. Ha! Caroline is getting burned all over the place in this episode.
Oh, and then Joe Gorga takes a minute to talk to Gia about how he and her mom are going to fight, but eventually will make up. Gia wants to know when, and stands up for her mom by saying that she tries, and that sometimes Joe hurts her and she cries. Joe says that he cries too, and Gia tells him to stop the arguing. We then have one of those little mini-segments between commercial breaks in which Joe successfully dunks Gia in the dunk tank, and in response she calls him a "rere." I mean, it's a lovely family. I believe the children are our future, and right now the future is grim.
It turns out the most popular sport at field day is looking at Melissa's ass in her short-shorts. She's cool with that! All the participants divide up into teams. Chris and Albie are team captains, and Albie somehow manages to get Joe, Teresa and Melissa all on his team. The teams gear up for a big tug o' war, and Albie's team wins. They celebrate, and Gia gets a very sullen look. Then there are potato sack races, and who can invest in a family feud when there are field games happening? So all is merriment and fun, and people are flopping on the ground happily, until Gia yells that Joe cheated. Teresa calls Gia a sore loser, and she should know. Gia will not let up about the cheating, and is clearly very invested in a field day victory.
The final event is the three-legged race, and if you didn't think that Joe Gorga was going to make a penis joke here, you have absolutely no knowledge of humans. I don't know what kind of cheating actually occurs, but Gia is still in a giant snit and screams to Zio Joe that she hates cheaters. Melissa wants her to take it like a man, and actually gloats a little about beating a ten year old. Gia starts screaming and crying, and Teresa kind of laughs at her. In a comforting way? Teresa points out that Gia is a kid, so doesn't realize that this is all just in good fun. Jacqueline says that she didn't want Gia to take it so seriously, and so tries to joke around with her a bit. Gia is in no mood, however, and tells Jacqueline that if she thinks it's funny she can go outside. Jacqueline points out that it's her house, and then says that she was having good times until Gia brought her down. Gia snits that she wanted to go down the shore with her dad, and also wants her mom to come. Caroline tries to give Gia some tough love and lessons about respect, to no avail. She tells us that Gia is very angry, before adding a totally non-judgmental, "Children learn what they live." So, Lauren learns crippling body issues, then? Jacqueline starts reading Gia a book about bad sports that is clearly meant for four-year-olds, and in this instance I think Gia's eye-rolling is totally warranted.
Finally Teresa comes, and Jacqueline and Caroline try to get all up in it, and Gia states clearly that she ONLY wants to talk to her mom. Teresa tries to explain to Gia that it was all in good fun, and Gia's worldview is apparent as she says, "Exactly, and I didn't have fun." Ugh, I'm never having kids. Gia states that the Blue Team cheated and was mean, and that in particular Zio Joe and Melissa were mean as always. Teresa tells Gia not to get in the middle of what's happening with her and Joe. Basically, everyone recognizes that Gia is ten and thus predisposed to be kind of a drama queen, but also is sensitive to the highly acute dysfunction that surrounds her. Lauren Manzo points out that when they have a Manzo-only party and don't invite any other families, it's a lot more fun and relaxing. She's all set with Gorga/Giudice bullshit.
Meanwhile, Teresa tells Gia that she should listen to adults when they talk to her, and then Gia cries that she kept telling Jacqueline and Caroline to go get her. Teresa wonders why, in fact, they didn't go to get her. Gia then dramatically cries in a pretty hilarious way, "I told them to go get you and Jacqueline was reading the book, it was TORTURE!" Ha ha ha. Gia is very upset about the book for some reason, probably because she wants to maintain the illiterate traditions of her family. Jacqueline points out that Gia was throwing a fit before the book even happened, and Teresa tells the others not to get involved with her kid. Caroline, whose giant boobs are totally sunburned, does not approve of the parenting technique that involves making your kid feel like anytime they're hurt, the other party is wrong. Gia stalks off yelling, "I don't need to get no lesson." Except for a grammar lesson, obviously.
Teresa tells Jacqueline and Caroline that Gia is her daughter and she'll take care of it. Jacqueline says that she felt like they were all family, but probably should have kept out of it. Teresa points out that Gia is going through ten year old craziness, and Jacqueline notes that that's when it all started for Ashley(e). Ding ding! Cautionary tale! Oh, and then Teresa steps in it when she tells us that she and Jacqueline have different values, and Ashley(e) might be rebelling because she sees how Jacqueline is. She feels bad for Ashley(e). I feel bad for humanity. Caroline mentions that Gia said she wanted to be down the shore with her dad, and Teresa takes this moment to point out that she's not particularly having any fun at field day and would like to be down the shore as well with her verbally abusive husband. And it's her daughter who ruined the whole thing! Jacqueline is basically like, "Thanks." Eventually, Gia gets over it enough to eat a burger and accept a giant ball of provolone cheese. I guess that's progress?
week: the gayest Real Housewives of New Jersey yet! And Teresa wonders why Joe wants her to go to physical therapy with him.
When Potes says something, you fucking listen. And shut up. You can tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.