Previously on Neanderthal Theatre: Everyone was crazy. Everyone. Everyone. The Giudice/Gorga feud raged on! Even with bedazzled bindis! At least we had the fact of Ashley(e)'s departure to cheer us. Oh crap, you don't think she's coming back during this episode, do you? I hardly even got to enjoy the break!
We begin with Kathy filling Rich in on the drama at the Summer Solstice party. Meanwhile, Caroline is doing the same with Albert. Everyone has giant SUVs in Jersey, don't they? I'm sure it's for all of their good charity work. In any case, Al thinks it's whack that Teresa said that Melissa would cheat on Joe Gorga if a richer guy came along. Caroline thinks it's whack, too, and diagnoses Teresa's problem as such: Melissa is a better, younger version of Teresa. Her mere existence is a bother to Teresa because without Melissa and her tiny waist and her "hit single" and her forehead that is not nearly as reminiscent of early man, Teresa would have no competition for title of supreme dumb-ass. And now her seething envy is on display, on display, on display, each and every day, every day, every day.
But back to Kathy. Rich thinks she should be totally done with Teresa, but Kathy maintains an iota of sympathy. At this point, I think she's the only one. Rich refers to Teresa's pea brain, which maybe is a type of sympathy in itself. But he's frustrated that she won't own up to the reality of the Giudice tough times and just try to be normal. Kathy still wants to be the peacemaker because Teresa is her family. Richie makes some metaphor about having cancer in your arm, and I guess wants to amputate a Teresa-shaped limb from all of their lives. Kathy, in contrast, wants to invite her to a pool party. Awesome. For her part, Caroline is totally done. She thinks Teresa is crazy, literally, and is probably right.
And then it's time to catch up with the subject of all this smack talk, Teresa herself. She makes the bed as Juicy whacks a punching bag and enjoys the feeling of the 'roids coursing through his system. Juicy has to take a dump, but hangs around long enough for Teresa to begin to tell him about the "Solsist" party. I think she should just shout out "ingredientses!" at random intervals, in an attempt to win us over again. Ah, we were all so innocent then. Meanwhile, Melissa and Joe toss around the pigskin. That is not a double entendre for sex. The telling of the tale unfolds at each household. Joe Gorga is largely silent as Melissa explains what happened, while Juicy is typically horrible. He calls Melissa a horseface and golddigger and tramp. You know, if Teresa really wants to rehabilitate her image, she needs to dump 5'4" of dead, juicy weight. He's just the worst.
For his part, Joe Gorga finally chips in with his two cents about Teresa's lack of basic comprehension skills. The baseline here is that these people just really fucking hate each other and one couple should bite it and move far, far away. Or just Juicy should move far, far away. Like Siberia, or a molten hole in the center of the earth. He says lots of derogatory things about how Joe Gorga is a woman, and Caroline is boring, and Kathy looks like a frog, and Rosie is a butch boy, and then tells Teresa that she doesn't need anyone but him. Isn't that a hallmark sign of abusive spouses? In any case, Teresa should take exactly the opposite advice of any advice Juicy Joe gives her. Listen to the advice, reverse it, and do that. As Juicy reaffirms his position that Joe -- or Josephine, as he is now known -- is a bitch, we head to commercials.
When we return, Teresa heads to Jacqueline's for a little heart to heart. Jacqueline, as it happens, is upset that Teresa put her on the spot at the Solsist party. She's wearing a Skinny Italian t-shirt as she breaks this news, which shows that she's actually a good friend. I can't remember exactly what happened at this party, and I'm pretty fucking sick of hearing them talk about it. Instead of trying to figure it out, I'm going to spend a minute talking about Teresa's worrisome sun damage. Her chest looks like it has liver spots. Not good! Anyway, Teresa tells Jacqueline that she should have loyalty to her rather than her sister-in-law, Caroline. Teresa claims that if Jacqueline's sister-in-law said something about her to Teresa, Teresa would tell Jacqueline. Jacqueline gets a funny look and then brings up Dina Manzo. The beloved Dina Manzo! The real juice is that Jacqueline and Dina aren't even talking. This is what everyone wants to know about really, but it's just a point to illustrate that Teresa is friends with Dina and Jacqueline doesn't try to interfere with their friendship just because she has some probably juicy beef with Dina OH MY GOD WHAT IS IT. How could it be that the House of Manzo is as fucked up as the House of Gorga? This show is not doing people of Italian descent any favors, as you already know. Anyway, Jacqueline and Teresa aren't going to end their friendship over this. YET.
Oh my God, and then Jacqueline's trainer shows up and her name is Jolene! Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene! If your name is Jolene you should avoid me at all costs, because I will sing that song in your face constantly. And... wait. Jolene then removes herself from the room where Jacqueline is doing some exercises to, like, sneak in a sip from a bottle of Sutter Home White Zinfandel (the latter part of that is an assumption) that she's carrying in her purse. Jacqueline wonders why everyone she comes in contact with is batshit insane. I'll tell you one thing, which is that if I ever pass through New Jersey I'm giving Franklin Lakes a wide berth. Right in the middle of it all, Kathy calls to say hi and invite Teresa to the pool party. She is kind about all of it, even though drunk trainer Jolene looks on suspiciously. Teresa wants to go to Kathy's party, but doesn't want to fight with her family in front of her kids. I'm sure that means she'll fight with her family in front of the kids.
And then suddenly we're Jaguar shopping with the Manzo progeny. Lauren claims that the car is so sexy, it's taking her clothes off. Albie and Chris are weirded out, but not as weirded out as Caroline is going to be when she finds out that they bought an $80,000 car. Soon enough, Al and Caroline pull up to the Jaguar dealer. Caroline is instantly pissed off because that is the way of menopausal Caroline. But then she's not as pissed off as she learns that the car is for her. It's an anniversary present from Al, who deals with menopausal Caroline by giving her lavish gifts that temporarily distract her from her hot flashes and mood swings. I'm sure they only have eight cars between the five of them, so it's a practical as well as stylish gift.
Cut to the pool party! It turns out this is a Wakile family tradition, as a celebration of the end of the school year. Except Victoria and Joseph have no friends this year, probably because their mom and her crazy family are screaming at each other weekly on Bravo. Oh, wait! Ha! Richie told the kids not to actually invite anyone once he learned that Teresa was coming. He thinks it's social suicide for them to acknowledge being related to Teresa and Juicy, which is probably a good call. Caroline and Jacqueline are both unable to come, which Kathy is mad about. She made POTATO SALAD, everyone. Make a fucking effort. Jacqueline claimed that she couldn't get a babysitter, which begs the question of why she didn't just bring the kids. But really she's at home being a wreck about Ashley(e). She Skypes with Mary, her sister-in-law who is serving as tough love mentor to Ashley(e). Jacqueline claims to miss Ashley(e), and Ashley(e) calls bullshit. I guess Ashley(e) is maybe doing better? I mean, who cares, even. She still manages to be insufferable, even in small doses. After her stint in Vegas, Ashley(e) is going to visit her dad, and then come home UGH. I hope her visit with her dad is an extended one. Between Caroline's hot flashes and the Gorga/Giudice feud, I have about all I can handle.
Joe and Melissa and their kids head over to the pool party, and Melissa laments the fact that hanging with her in-laws is such a horrible experience. They arrive just in time to see Rosie presiding over some races in the pool. Kathy apologizes for the empty party, while Richie smiles. At least someone has a sense of propriety in this family. Teresa and her girls finally arrive, and everyone starts to get nervous. Someone is going to be floating in the pool by the time this party is over. Melissa tells us that she cannot fucking stand Teresa, but whenever she sees her with her kids a tiny little soft spot opens up. I imagine it's, like, the size of a corn on your baby toe. Probably as soft, actually.
Oh God, and then Rosie asks Teresa what she wants to drink, and Teresa asks what they have, and Rosie says everything, and Teresa asks for a margarita, and Rosie says that she's not making any damn frozen drinks, and then Melissa pipes in with the fact that she's drinking sangria because she's not high maintenance, and we are reminded again that they ALL ARE THE WORST. Except for Rosie, who does a belly flop right off the diving board and scares the kids out of the pool. If only she could belly flop right in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner and ease the inevitable tension there, too. She should have tried it at the christening.
Meanwhile, Al and Caroline head to the Brownstone. They have a little apartment above the Brownstone that they lived in when they were first married, and that they've kept as a rockin' sex shack. Al wants to feed Caroline strawberries, and then tries to make awkward sexual advances involving tickling. I'm getting that squicky feeling like when my parents do affectionate things once every ten years. DO NOT LIKE. Not a day goes by, Caroline tells us, when Al doesn't tell her that she's beautiful. She wonders if that is true since she now -- HA RIGHT -- has cellulite for the FIRST TIME. Bitch, please. We've seen seasons one through three! We see you right now! time, if you're trying to be self-deprecating, do a better job. Al and Caroline reminisce about the good old days when they brought Albie home and he peed right in the middle of Al's forehead. Caroline tells us that it wasn't always easy when the kids were young, because Al worked all the time and wasn't around for things like holidays and school plays. But they've survived it all, and are closer than ever. Thankfully we fade out before getting squicky visual evidence of this.
Back at the pool party, Kathy tries to get Teresa to talk to Joe and Melissa while claiming that she doesn't want to get in the middle of it all. She does, however, want to be the glue that holds the family together. More like rubber cement that's been around too long and has dried in the jar. Basically, all you can do now is make rubber cement boogers of it. Rich and Joe Gorga talk about how Teresa hates Melissa, which is obviously a problem, and Rich suggests family therapy. Joe, of course, doesn't believe in therapy. Old-school Italians laugh at therapy, and then proceed not to talk to each other for the rest of their lives. It's a better way, clearly. If everyone went to therapy and was emotionally healthy, Bravo wouldn't even exist!
After a break, Joe gets sad because he loves his goddaughter Gia, but doesn't really know what's going on in her life. He calls Teresa over, and she notes that he appears to be on as many steroids as Juicy these days. But he wants to flex some emotional muscles. Joe says that he doesn't want to argue, and Teresa starts crying. She says she can't take the family feud anymore, because it's too stressful. She interviews that her trust with Joe is gone, because he told his WIFE the extremely rude thing Teresa said about her. And I have to say that I'm note entirely anti-Teresa at this point, but her insistence that what she told Joe was in confidence and that he somehow betrayed her by telling Melissa is completely idiotic. Teresa tells Joe that she's not going to tell him anything ever again, and will keep her feelings to herself. I feel like ducks have more emotional intelligence than this crew. Teresa then says that Joe isn't her brother anymore, and accuses him of starting a big war by telling Melissa THE THING THAT TERESA SAID THAT WAS REALLY MEAN. Oh my God.
Joe points out that Teresa shouldn't even be saying such things, and then gets into how Juicy is a controlling manipulative goon. Richie looks on and says that this is exactly why he didn't want his kids' friends to come to the party. Joe wants Teresa to go home and sleep on the question of whether she wants a relationship with him. Teresa wants Joe to be like the old Joe. The single Joe. Joe brings up the fact that Juicy hates him, and has always hated him. I guess the lesson we've learned from this whole situation is that interpersonal family drama is fundamentally really dull. Melissa of course claims to want brother and sister to communicate with each other, which is a lie. In the end, Joe wants Teresa to accept that she was wrong. Teresa wonders what she's been wrong about, and Joe tells her that he just wants her to be normal. Teresa in turn asks us to suspend a whole lot of disbelief as she says, "I am normal." She then wonders why Joe always thinks that Teresa has to be the one to reach out, before noting that Gia initially hated Melissa because she has good instincts. I don't even know anymore. This conversation has been going on for one million minutes. The poor editors who had to shape this drivel. In the end, alls Joe wants Teresa to do is snap out of it. Unfortunately, this doesn't have the transformative effect like when Cher says it. Teresa calls Joe the meanest brother ever, and we head to a break. Can Tabatha take over this family, maybe?
When we return, Joe doesn't like being called the meanest brother ever. This is because, in his own words, he is an angel from God. See, just when you think one of them is rational. Richie, who is really the one coming through like a wise being in this episode, tells Melissa his theory that Joe and Teresa should go to therapy. Melissa has never heard of a brother and sister going to therapy, and Richie wonders what she has to hear about it -- they can be the first. Which, they won't be, because it's totally a good idea. Melissa just does not want them to make up. There's more fighting, this time about whether Joe has been trashing Juicy for eleven years. We are reminded of how Juicy texted Joe threatening to break his jaw if he came to Teresa's book singing, thus proving that if Joe has indeed been trashing him, it's all valid. Joe claims that he hasn't been trashing Juicy, which begs the question of why not. Eventually, Teresa says that she's over it, and Joe calls her a bitch and something else in Italian, and they both storm off in different directions, cursing all the while. Teresa announces that she's leaving, and Melissa tells Joe that it's time to give up. For all of our sakes, PLEASE GIVE UP. And bring Dina back! We demand a new and more interesting feud! And also Grandma Wrinkles!
week: Tug of war! Field day! Gia is a nightmare, and tension brews between Teresa and Jacqueline.
Potes still can't believe that she's recapping this show. Sympathize @traciepotes or via email at potesypotes@gmail.com.