That's a Spicy Meatball!

S04E02

We get another glimpse of Juicy Joe and the girls in the kitchen, and it's total madness. He doles out threats of ass-beatings, and then at one point the little mischievous one (I think it's Milania?) busts out with, "You're not a cooker, you're a hooker!" to Gia and cracks herself up. It is a pretty good line! And then all of a sudden Audriana is bleeding for some random reason. Juicy is like, "Whatever, it's fine," and the one child who has managed to escape her Neanderthal lineage tells him that he could at least wipe the blood off of her. Gia is the one who actually wipes the blood off as Juicy pours himself two glasses of wine. It's like Octomom in that house.

Chris, Albie, and Christopher (and let me tell you that this show would be much easier to recap if everyone didn't have the same freaking names) come over for dinner, which is obviously an incredibly relaxing experience. They talk about Juicy's injuries, and then Albie tells us that he found the whole fighting/wrestling/anal sex incident to be kind of weird and creepy. Juicy explains that truly his penis just accidentally fell into Rich's cavernous cavity and wagged around for a while of its own accord, and that's a perfectly normal occurrence between heterosexual married men on poker night and also he prefers the term "lovemaking," and then Albie changes the subject to the much more comfortable topic of Juicy's suspended license. Big Chris tells us that he initially felt bad when Juicy lost his license, but all sympathy was lost when he then tried to get a fake license, which is a moronic thing that is particularly unbecoming when done by a 40-year old.

Meanwhile, Teresa is signing copies of Fabulicious and dealing with crazed fans who have come from Oklahoma just to express their sympathy about her imbecilic husband. Though she's not used to people commenting about her personal life, she tells us that the gossip magazines help to keep her in the public eye, sell cookbooks, and support her family. See, Teresa's kind of smart. Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that. Send help, probably.

And then we have to endure a romantic dinner with Melissa and Joe Gorga. She has some sort of news, and Joe thinks that maybe she's pregnant. But she's not. I guess the news is that maybe they're going to have sex? What a thrilling surprise. Back at the Casa de Foreclosure, Juicy shows the Manzo boys an article about how Joe Gorga is being sued or something. Young Christopher tells us that drunk Joe Giudice used to be a lot of fun, but now he just gets sloppy and says things like -- LITERALLY -- he has the best brain to God. This highlight of the ages is followed by a definitely lowlight in the form of Joe Gorga pouring Melissa a glass of champagne and talking about how much poison he has in him. Can't we just send all the non-Manzos on vacation to a secluded island and then have the government bomb it? I fully support a tax increase for this purpose. Finally, Melissa reveals her big surprise for the night: her song. It's called "How Many Times (Dear Joe)." She plays the track, because obviously she can't just sing this shit to him live. And here's another reason why Melissa Gorga is the worst. While the music career of the Countess LuAnn De Lesseps has been infinitely delightful precisely because she knows it's all a very magical dookie pile, Melissa Gorga totally thinks she's going to have a Grammy one day.

Oh God, and then it's time to catch up with the Giudices at the pizzeria. This whole setup is constructed so that human thumb Joe Giudice can talk about the reason why he tried to get a fake license, which is apparently because he's such a committed pizzeria owner and not because he needed a sweet ride in which to pick up his mistresses. Teresa just stands there and blinks at him. And I know that she's the supreme leader of the world's dumb-asses, but she just looks so sad this season, and the bags under her eyes are so deep, and Juicy Joe is so awful. Add this to the fact that I find her rather affably idiotic on Celebrity Apprentice and I think I've come around to pulling for her again. I KNOW. Kill me, whatever. Oh wait! The pizzeria is CLOSED. Now I understand why it's totally empty and stuff. Joe is going to become a house husband and professional philanderer slash alcoholic, I guess. Teresa assures us that we don't need to feel sorry for her, because she will survive. And she's in good hands, because apparently Juicy is going to tear down the gas station across the street and put up a senior citizen center? I don't know, you guys. Can we set up a Kickstarter campaign for her divorce?

And then there's Kathy's family. Apparently her son Joseph is now sophomore class president, which I'm sure he celebrates by drinking fine brandy out of a snifter while stroking his smoking jacket. He's like a sleazy 52-year old vampire in a 15-year old body. So, I guess Kathy's husband Rich owns a convenience store/gas station? And he's taking Joseph there as part of some kind of lesson? About business? I don't know, this is boring. For most of this scene, I spent my time thinking about how excellent Rich would have been on The Match Game. The voice of Brett Somers meets the bone structure of Charles Nelson Reilly and the panache of Richard Dawson!

Oh no, and then just when we thought we were safe we have more Ashley(e). She's not out of the state yet, which makes me nervous. En route to the airport, Ashley(e) regales Albie with tales of how she once drank a bottle of Nyquil with a straw. Albie explains that Ashley(e) thinks she's Ke$ha. He feels maybe a little bad for her, but not bad enough to actually walk her inside the airport. And you know, I'm not a parent. But I still have to wonder if Vegas is precisely the right place to send your troubled 20-year old. It's like, things aren't going so well for her, might as well just give her a nudge in the direction of prostitution so she can at least make a living.

Ugh, and then we move on to Gorgaville. Joe has an "office," and Melissa has brought him some photos to put up on the wall. The family takes a walk outside, and Melissa and Joe regale Gino with tales of how he can someday be a slumlord too! The kid's got it made. Oh, FYI, Melissa is still totally pissed about how Teresa said that she would leave Joe for a richer man and is a golddigger and also can't cook. And FYI TMI, Joe points with two fingers to his junk in an interview, giant shocker. I don't even know why. I guess at some point in the near future Joe is going to own a whole crappy block, and maybe someday the kids can inherit that too. It's a uniquely American story! God bless the USA, etc.

And then, in yet another shocker, Albie pulls over on the side of the road to take a call from Ashley(e), who has missed her flight. We all knew it was too good to be true, didn't we? Albie calls Chris Manzo the Elder, who is unsurprised and a little disgusted, and they talk about what an idiot Ashley(e) is. Jacqueline gets the news in person from Albie as she's making meatballs, and doesn't seem too upset about it because this is all obviously staged. Albie does read some hilarious live-tweeting from Ashley(e), who apparently got lost in the airport while looking for Dunkin Donuts. All sorts of guests arrive for Jacqueline's meatball party, and Lauren is sad that she can only drink egg yolks. Melissa Gorga is such a bitch too, like, "Ooooh, look at all the cheese here!" Wait, but Lauren is drinking wine, though! This diet can't be all that restrictive. The Wakiles arrive followed by, you guessed it, Ashley(e). Chris interviews that trying to help Ashley(e) is a fucking waste of time, and that he and Jacqueline are at the end of their respective ropes. He plans on taking her to the airport and making sure she gets on the plane. Thank goodness poor Albie gets a reprieve, at least.

In other meatball party news, TERESA IS COMING. Caroline wants everyone to stay calm, as if. Teresa and Juicy arrive, and Teresa notes that the air is thick with shit-talk. She claims to be unafraid, however, because she can sleep with a clear conscience. She is not sure if the others can do the same. I am not sure if Teresa has -- how can I say...-- the capacity to have a conscience. Just when it seems like things might start to go down, Lauren's boyfriend Vito enters. So that distracts everyone for a while. And then Teresa has an announcement to make, but everyone is too busy talking about the meatballs to pay attention. But Teresa persists, and it turns out she has something to say about her book. She didn't write the book to offend anyone, and so apologizes to anyone who might have been offended. Cue awkward silence. Rich finally asks if Teresa is going to pull the book off the shelf and reprint it. Teresa is not, duh. And she claims to have written a lot of great things about people, too. And then poor Teresa tries to overexplain things in her somewhat vapid way, and Melissa and Joe Gorga just look around like she's a total asshole, and then Melissa says that they're willing to take one for the team if it means that Teresa can make a little extra cash. See, Melissa is so shady. I actually think that she might be the worst one. Though, I mean, they're all the worst. It really is a Sophie's choice.

The men head to the man cave to play poker or watch porn or whatever, while the ladies hang out in the kitchen. As usual, the men's gathering is full of homoerotic energy, which manifests itself in some sort of argument over who's taller. And then there is a ruckus, and suddenly it's the day and Juicy Joe has a black eye! Joe Gorga explains to Melissa what happened. Apparently, Juicy was giving Joe Gorga shit about his height, and Rich challenged Juicy to stand up to him, and then...wait for it...Juicy attempted to grab Rich by the balls. Melissa asks a really astute question: "Why did Joe Giudice go to grab his balls?" I mean. Then we get Juicy Joe's version of the story, which is pretty much the same with the added detail that he couldn't FIND Rich's nuts. The upshot for Juicy is that Rich has pebbles for nuts. I love how the fact that he was attempting to grab another man's testicles isn't even an issue. Chris Manzo the elder tells us that both Rich and Juicy went down on the couch, and then someone's penis accidentally slid into someone else's orifice, and then Juicy got hit in the eye with a candlestick holder. I mean, it makes as much sense as anything else on this show. Rich notes that he might not be man enough to drive his big truck into a tree, but he's the one who managed to give Juicy a black eye and a bloody nose, and also teabagging. And then as the perfect capper, Juicy notices that he's cooking with a pink spoon and one of the little monsters points at him and goes, "Cause you're a girl!" It's a charmed life, truly. Meanwhile, Teresa heads off to a book singing, and Melissa theorizes that Juicy Joe acts like such a dick because he's completely emasculated.

Oh boy, and then Joseph Wakile shows up in his own living room wearing a suit. He's going to some sort of party, and is totally hoping to get laid. Because who can resist a 15-year old in a three-piece suit? Kathy, however, is monitoring more situations than Joseph would like, including his Twitter account. Apparently, some misguided soul has sent young Joseph naked photos. Joseph makes the universal symbol for "boobies" for his sister Victoria, who denounces the whole situation as disgusting. Kathy responds to the message, which gets an "LOL" from the naked offender. Rich wishes that Kathy would have let him respond, probably because he wanted to request some close-ups.

HAHAHAHA, and then Melissa Gorga is recording another song in her home studio! HAHAHAHA, I say it again! She's working with singer and songwriter Corte Ellis, who keeps his shades on indoors to help protect his identity. A thing happens when Melissa sings that makes her lips completely disappear. Now, Melissa is not what I'd call a terrible singer, but, well, I don't think she would meet proficiency requirements on a state standardized test. Corte tells her to draw inspiration from her wee husband, and she nails a section. With a fuckload of autotune. A rare talent, that one.

Oh God, and then Big Chris is driving Ashley(e) to the airport AGAIN. Ashley(e) is doped up on Xanax, and is worried that she's going to fall asleep. Jacqueline tells us that Ashley(e) said she was depressed, so they took her to a shrink to get some medication, and now she has a fear of everything. Except for getting too drunk to know how to get home. Chris tells us that he loves Ashley(e) to death, but once she goes to Vegas she's not welcome back until she has some sort of plan that doesn't involve being a useless self-indulgent pain in the ass freeloader. And then, Jacqueline is also depressed because Ashley(e) is a giant fuck-up who may never get it together. She looks through old photo albums and cries, and all this really should not be happening on TV, completely available to be ripped to shreds by people like me. I love the entire Housewives franchise, but I feel strongly that shit starts to go downhill as soon as you start exploring legitimate problems. Jacqueline wonders if Ashley(e) is going to look back and hate her childhood, as well as her mother. Well, she'll certainly have the footage to support her position either way.

week: Melissa and Teresa throw down, this time with bindis!

Potes can't believe that she's recapping this show. Sympathize @traciepotes or via email at potesypotes@gmail.com.