Neither Fabulous Nor Delicious

S04E01

Four months earlier: Belly flops in the pool! Melissa in a bikini! Kathy is smoking hookah in front of her horrified daughter. We're saying "salud" for the summer and making fun of Teresa's cookbook while they grill up some nasty looking ribs. Rich is cracking up his guests and making Melissa feel uncomfortable. She's trying to make amends with Teresa, but is doing so in secret, so she will not indulge in the reading of the Fabulicious! that her extended family is so joyously taking part in. Everyone is really upset about the chairs on the front porch comment, and Rich suggests they "burn the bitch on a stake." Joe and Kathy says she needs to get real and just kind of lost her way, and they're mostly just frustrated that their family member is being a massive famewhore she-devil. Though diplomatic Joe doesn't want to "rehatch" all their problems. He feels bad for her and Juicy and their obvious unhappiness.

Okay, Kathy's sister's Rosie is obviously trying to Kim G./Kim D. her way into this season, and it might be working on me. She says she wants to eat Teresa's heart and throw Melissa into the pool.

Manzo crew! Caroline and the boys visit Jacqueline. Teresa hasn't seen Caroline since the book came out, Jacqueline is wearing lots of eye shadow, and I completely forgot there was a Manzo daughter. Last season was on for literally five months, so I had to completely block it out once it was done. Caroline is in no mood to even deal with her bullshit. Blah blah blah loyalty, true Italians, family first... can we please break this crap up with a quick round of the ham game? Apparently, Ashley has continued to be an attention-craving beast, and Caroline calls her sister-in-law out on being an enabler.

But then! DING DONG, Teresa and Juicy are here, and it's super awkward. Teresa is obviously sad inside, and all Caroline claims to want is a genuine apology. The two talk outside, and Teresa swears she didn't mean to insult her and then says it hurts her that Caroline wouldn't get her funny ha ha jokey joke. Caroline isn't taking her excuses, and Teresa makes her touch her heart to feel it beating... which I guess is her way of apologizing? As Teresa backpedals and claims to have written nothing personal about Caroline's family, the editing monkeys give us Ken Burns-style shots of exact excerpts from the cookbook. At least we know who our villain is this season. Caroline is still pissed about the diss on Christopher's stripper car wash (a disstopher, if you will), and points out how everyone was hurt, which Teresa counters with, "First of all, what I wrote about Kathy... I was writing about her husband," because that's better, and says that Melissa must wear her copying shoes because they fit so well. Caroline is like, okay this lady is crazy and not worth my time, and Teresa is maybe the worst apologizer in Housewives history. And then it starts raining. DUN! Fake kisses galore, and we end on a high note of Caroline refusing to say "I love you" back to Teresa.

Okay, Kathy's sister's Rosie is obviously trying to Kim G./Kim D. her way into this season, and it might be working on me. She says she wants to eat Teresa's heart and throw Melissa into the pool.

Gorga residence. Joe is helping his son Gino pee standing up, which I'm sure isn't horrifying to anyone at all... and then he says, "Like a big boy! You don't want to sit on a toilet like girls do!" Good, good. Melissa is in her massive closet, packing to go to the Shore -- her whole family lives down there, and Joe bought her a Shore house so that they could spend summers there, don't you know -- ew, and I really don't like having to visualize their sex life.

Casa Kathy. Really, are we doing innuendos and lube-talk with them, too? I feel like I'm watching Real Housewives of Atlanta all over again. These two lovebirds will be hanging out at a friend's Shore house, so right now they're packing and talking shit about Teresa. Kathy just wants to act like adults, but Rich is exasperated at the very thought. They also haven't seen Teresa since Fabulicious! Gate, and Kathy is just like, maybe this will be the season of our reality show where nothing goes horribly wrong! Family family family, through thick and thin, yadda yadda yadda.

Casa Forclosure. Everyone is screaming -- Gia and Joe at the forefront, natch -- and Gabriella is trying to find her iPod touch. Um, Joe is feeding like, a garbage can full of food to a bunch of wolves, or something? What the? Teresa addresses the tabloid rumors, and confirms she'd rather have Juicy than a nanny. All of the girls scream at their father as he picks things up and puts them down, and Milania is like, "Look how strong you are! You're like a dragon!" Hee."

Jacqueline's Place. Ashley went blonde and holy shit, did she CHANGE THE SPELLING OF HER NAME?! Oh my god, of course she did. She's laughing about how dumb she is when her Life Coach stops by. I swear I'm not making this up. Jacqueline feels defeated. The Life Coach listens to her concerns as her daughter gets help from her much younger littler brother operating a vacuum. Then there's a manipulative moment where Jacqueline is like, "Nicholas, don't run off of the deck!" and the fucking Life Coach is like, you can't control Ashley (there is no way I will participate in spelling her name with two e's) and you can't control Nicholas and he is sooo obviously really proud of how clever he is. Stupid.

Back at Melissa's, we're still talking about the cookbook. Apparently Teresa told her brother that if a richer guy came along, Melissa would leave him. Now Melissa is super pissed, because duh.

Teresa and Juicy are driving to the beach, also talking about the devil's cookbook. Her daughters are like, "Why aren't you ever home, Mommy?" And Teresa's like, "Hahaha, what a funny joke! We are all jokers in this family!" Then Teresa asked Juicy where he was last night, and he's all, "I was out with several ladies and obviously cheating on you," and even Gia says, verbatim, "Oh yeah, Dad, really? Ladies?" So that's sad.

Caroline's at the doctor's office for her migraines. She's been frustrated, moody, distracted and stressed out, but her libido is still ROCKIN'. Then the doctor says what we're all thinking: "You got 'pause... menopause." Caroline is totally freaked out and is hoping this is all just stress-induced and the doctor straight up tells her, "You're getting old." Caroline tries to joke this off, and all of the doctor can prescribe is getting friends you don't hate/film a reality show with.

Oh man, Teresa's Shore house is such a dud. I mean, if a real person had this house -- if I had this house -- it would be awesome and cute but you know that the Giudices are just crushed that they don't have a McMansion Shore house. Adding insult to injury, there's a mouse in their stuff, and the girls start screaming and crying.

Melissa is excited to get everything ready, and talks about the Jersey Shore vs. The Hamptons and how the former is so much better... and as a Jersey girl myself, I totally agree. They talk about cleaning up the joint before they get the nonstop partying going, and before I can even start typing about Joe's newly insulated bedroom, he uses the term "Gorgasm." My boyfriend idly looks up from his work and laughs. I glare at him.

Aw, their house is also pretty modest. The editors totally fool me by showing their neighbor's mini mansion first. Tricksters! Gino like, "Daddy, are we poor like Uncle Juicy, now?" Y'all, this seriously looks like the Real Housewives of New York McCord residence circa Season 1. There's construction garbage everywhere. Melissa confirms that she will not be sleeping with her husband tonight.

Things are cleaner at Kathy's friend's place. It's a really awesome house, stocked with Vitamin Water. Rosie is there, as is Kathy's mom. More talk about sex. Melissa and Joe show up. More talk about sex.

Juicy is working out. Teresa is like, "Dude, Gia reads the gossip rags and knows how awful of a person you are, and we all think you look/act/talk like the Mucinex slug." Joe talks about jail and how he may or may not be going there for ten years. Apparently, Teresa tells the girls that those Us Weekly's they have around the house with her on the cover that say "WHY I'M LEAVING MY HORRIBLE HUSBAND" are just there to be saved forever as cherished family mementos. Gia knows Juicy has been cheating on Teresa and this is a sad conversation that Teresa cannot actually have in front of cameras.

Rich is grill master and makes a few sex jokes. Melissa and Kathy are like, can we try not to cause a ton of drama with Teresa tomorrow? They talk about Teresa being on the cover of Reality Trash talking about Joe going to jail and all of the other extremely personal details of her life that she always talk about to anyone who will listen. More "She's a jealous person!" until Kathy's mom is like, "ENOUGH!" Rosie cracks everyone up, because she is a treasure.

Can we please make a pact not to watch Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding? We can beat this thing together.

Teresa is giving us parenting advice as she tells Gia that she has to wear a helmet while riding a bike and makes the girls put on sun screen because of the "Trombone Layer." Just kidding, she says Ozone. I just need some way to spice that segment up, and Joe barely opened his mouth the whole time.

We finally all meet up at the beach. The cousins take pictures together, Rosie plays nice to Teresa and Rich talks about his wife being hot in the grossest way possible. Teresa gets really emotional around Melissa's daughter, and Rich is seriously like, dark as a leather couch right now. And oh my Godddd we are never going to stop talking about how dumb Teresa's book is and how awful her marriage is. I mean, I know it's true but STOP THE MADNESS!

Caroline, Lauren and Jacqueline are on a powerwalk, talking about politics and the state of the country and just kidding, it's about Teresa and how she's probably threatened by Caroline. Jacqueline pronounces Giudice as "Judy-chey." She then shifts the conversation to Trashley, and how she and Chris have reached their breaking point with her. She expresses sadness for not being ogled by a busy construction worker and the editing monkeys would have us believe that a trio of dogs then immediately begin barking in her direction.

Shore. Wearing her cowboy hat, Teresa sits down with Joe and he's immediately like, "I read the In Touch magazine..." and Teresa backfires in Italian, "Don't say anything, don't go there. Don't say anything." He's all, "I'm your brother no matter what." She talks about the week Juicy went "away" (to jail, the subtitles tell us), and expresses frustration that Joe wasn't there for her during that time. Joe points out that every time he reaches out to Teresa, she freaks out. She counters by... mildly freaking out. He THs that Teresa is in serious denial. The conversation continues to be uncomfortable, and there's more of the "let's be honest and nice to each other" that we all know isn't going to happen. He brings up the evil, "If there was a richer guy..." quote and it's obvious that nothing is going to get done because Teresa loves running her mouth and cannot apologize for shit.

Ashley is on her cell, giggling with a friend and looking like Ke$ha. Chris is calls her down for a talk, and I cannot even look at her face right now. He's shipping her off to live with her aunt and uncle... in Vegas... tomorrow. Ashley is like, "Dad, are you kidding me?" She's against this plan, citing the fact that she has "plans with friends who are home from school" and Chris is like, "This is exactly what I'm talking about, you have no priorities." Jacqueline is staying far away from this, Ashley says she's gonna throw up, Chris tells her she has to go and then she agrees to leave. Yay, I guess.

This season: Kathy's son is a pervert, just like his dad. Melissa squeezes Teresa's boobs. The Manzo bros buy a car. Joe dances with another dude, with his shit unbuttoned. Lauren tries to lose weight. Melissa sings more. Gia cries. Gay wedding. Caroline in a hat. Juicy talkin' smack. The Golden Gate Bridge is actually orange. Napa. More Teresa bashing. More Teresa being an idiot. Caroline and Jacqueline really hating Teresa. The return of either Kim G. or Kim D. (I seriously can't tell, there's a lot of hair extensions!) Melissa and Teresa fighting while wearing traditional Indian-style jewels in their middle in between their brows. Some creep Teresa used to dance for? Everyone calling everyone else crazy. DINA! COME BACK, DINA!