A Crazy-Ass Merry-Go-Round

S03E21

A viewer asks whether Caroline has truly cut the apron strings with her sons. She admits she helps with "stupid things" like groceries. As someone who just received a FreshDirect order tonight, I would not classify that as a stupid thing, but okay. She insists she doesn't pay their rent. Apropos of her mothering skills (including but not limited to her ability to understand Christopher's "Cajun" speak), we look back at Caroline's transition to radio as well as her confrontation with Kim G. Caroline says it was a shitty situation, and she's worked through it. Because there's not enough drama, and the spotlight hasn't been on her for a few minutes, Teresa inserts herself in the conversation and makes some big, nonsensical deal about how she had Caroline's back with Kim G. Caroline dismisses this, and it's a total nonevent because Teresa is being a crazyface. Moving on!

More talk about the Manzo kids -- Lauren's weight issues, Albie's serious personality (he's running for Deputy Sheriff of Hudson County -- Albie's got a gun!), etc. Andy doesn't shy away from discussion of Albert's firing as Commissioner of the Water Commission. Caroline makes some explanation about how it stemmed from an apartment above The Brownstone that Albert uses as a crash pad after long nights, but they don't really go fully into. I've never heard of it, which is probably more telling of how little the tabloids care about the Manzos than anything else.

Andy reads a viewer e-mail that basically tells Caroline to STFU. She admits her opinions can seem abrasive at times. "Very, very often," she says, "I feel like I'm on a crazy-ass merry-go-round that doesn't stop." (Quote of the night!) Andy says that some viewers see Caroline's advice as unsolicited and asks Teresa if she agrees. Teresa says the only area that she really didn't want to hear Caroline's two cents was concerning her family.

Andy brings up the current rift between Caroline and Dina and wonders if that makes Caroline a hypocrite. Caroline says she would do anything for her sister, but that Dina has been led to believe things that aren't true by "a good friend that likes to talk" about Caroline and Jacqueline. At which point she very pointedly and specifically looks over at Teresa: "I'm looking at you." Caroline says she has e-mails as proof. Cue split screen. Teresa says, "Bring it, baby!" Melissa can't help but ask, "What's happened to her?" There's a lot of back and forth. Caroline admits she and Dina aren't speaking. Melissa points out that Dina and Teresa weren't speaking six months prior and that she talked about hating Dina. Teresa acts disbelieving at this and insists, "I'm as real as they come." Melissa: "Maybe if you keep saying it, it'll come true." Clearly no one in this room believes Teresa's "real"-ness.

Going for the gut, Caroline says, "I could choose to be in the tabloids, but I choose to be a mother to my children." Boom! Teresa asks, "What happened to you?" Caroline: "You happened to me." She says she doesn't want to waste any more time and tells Teresa, "You are full of shit." Teresa says the same to her, and Caroline calls that "the biggest compliment in the world. The day that I have your approval... is the day that I go cry in a corner." Teresa tells her to look at her own family, and Caroline says she talks to eight out of 10 her siblings, and "I would talk to nine out of 10 if it weren't for you." Caroline admits she hasn't spoken to Dina in months, nor has Jacqueline. She wishes Jacqueline had come to confirm that.

Speaking of Jacqueline, Andy moves to a package about Bratshley (do I have to call her Bratshlee now?). Caroline acknowledges that Chris was hurt by comments by Bratz about how "money can't buy a relationship." She claims Bratz texted him to apologize the minute it aired. She says Jacqueline is the way she is with Bratz because of her guilt. When asked how she would handle things, Kathy refuses to put herself in Jacqueline's place. Andy wonders if Bratz seeing herself on the show has given her any self-awareness. Not so much, implies Caroline, though she thinks Bratz has potential yet.

Talk turns to the Wakile side of the family (cue lots of eye rolling from Teresa). As you might expect, there's a shout-out to Rosie, but it comes to very little, save to say that she was much closer to Joe when they were kids. Andy asks about Kathy's Ramona-like talking with her eyes before throwing to a package about Kathy's family, most notably Richie's nut cracking monologue before Victoria's formal date.

They discuss Victoria's brush with death, and Teresa naturally hijacks the conversation. She's all, "I was there every day." Even as Kathy says, "Not so much," Teresa says it's because of that experience that she "always [has] a positive attitude" and doesn't take petty things too seriously. Cue Caroline head shake. Even Andy asks incredulously, "Do you not sweat the small stuff?" Teresa: "Exactly." Andy calls her bullshit, pointing out the various times Teresa has been derailed by sprinkle cookies or a snotty message on a card. Teresa's basic response is, "Oh, I don't sweat the small stuff. I retaliate, bitch!"

But what about Rich? Kathy explains that Rich has known the family since Teresa was 17. Teresa admits Richie's jab used to bother her, which is why she would "distant" herself from Kathy. Andy can't help himself. He says, "You'd distance yourself." Teresa's all, "What? Words?" Kathy thinks Teresa took issue because Juicy was laughing along with the words. Teresa insists the jokes crossed the line, such as some vaguely referenced holy water joke when Rich likened her to the devil. What? Like how Teresa called Melissa the Exorcist last week? You'd think of all people, that modern day comedienne known as Teresa Giudice would be able to take a joke. She coined the "one-sixteenth Italian" punch line. Classic!

Andy moves on to a package about the ongoing "unattended" fracas that began at the Posche fashion show. Long story short, Teresa is uber-defensive and everyone tells her to sit the fuck down. Caroline: "She's fucking insane." Somewhere in there, Teresa does issue a snotty "thank you" to Kathy for delivering her children from danger while Juicy was pummeling mofos. Teresa insists now that she's heard the full explanation she's "fine with it." Lies. Kathy is particularly sore that Teresa wrote a shit-talking blog after their supposed reconciliation. Teresa has no response.

Bonus: Kathy pulled Rosie's hair one time when they were kids. Unintentionally. Wow. Riveting stuff.

On to the Gorgas' defection from Teresa's house on Christmas Eve to Kathy's. Teresa blogged about how it "devastated" her. Kathy feels she did no wrong. Melissa was especially hurt because Teresa claimed Antonia was upset. Things quickly devolve into a screaming match. Caroline wryly says, "We're all bad. Why are we here? We're here 'cause we're crazy. We're crazy 'cause we're all here." That has too many syllables, but it's as close as you get to a Housewives haiku, no? Caroline finally has enough and screams at Teresa, "You took that hour and ruined it! You had an hour with your family. Instead of being grateful, you ruined it!" Essentially, Teresa doesn't appreciate baby steps. She turns Caroline's comments against her, making it seem like Caroline has low standards because an hour is "good enough" for her. Caroline calls Teresa selfish. She and Melissa point their fingers as Caroline says, "It's not about your family. It's about you and only you." Teresa brings up how happy Melissa was to get to the Wakiles' house that night, and Melissa's all, "Well, your jackhole husband was calling me a raccoon face all night." As if it'll make things better, Teresa says Juicy was talking about Kathy. Ha! Befuddlement all around.

Andy attempts diplomacy, gently telling Teresa that it seems like it's "hard for [her] to hear what other people have to say" sometimes. Even if they tell her over... and over... and over... And then Kathy circles things back around to the "unattended" rigmarole. This? Again? For the love! After a bunch of banter and bullshit, Teresa randomly claims, "Time heals all wounds." Huh?

Andy asks if Kathy and Teresa are in a good place. Silence. Caroline asks Kathy directly. Kathy says, "Yes... No, but yes." As Teresa natters on, Caroline asks Melissa on the side, "Are you in a good place?" Melissa says she's a good place. Caroline says, "I'm in a crazy place." Back to the main event (for now), Kathy is obviously not in a good place. She says that, of course Teresa is okay with everything because she's the one on the offense. Kathy's the one who's had to deal with the slings and arrows. Proving Andy's point, Teresa's all, "I accept your apology." Sheesh.

Having milked Teresa and Kathy's relationship, Andy moves on to a discussion (and video clip) of Teresa and Melissa's relationship: Hair dresser stealing! Sprinkle cookies! Bikini-offs! A viewer accuses Melissa of swagger jacking Teresa. Teresa agrees, but refuses to get into "pacifics." Melissa says it goes both ways. Kathy and Caroline both pretty much tell everyone to grow the eff up. A viewer wonders if it was a bad omen that Joe went through two fiancées before her. Melissa says he broke it off with the other women because they couldn't get along with his family. Teresa insists she embraced Melissa when they met. Melissa thinks they could only get along on Teresa's terms. At which point Teresa insults Melissa's wedding as too "American" (read: cheap and tacky) and basically says the only way she got taste was by copying Teresa's style. Teresa insists, "It has to do with taste." So she's tacky if she doesn't copy you, yet she also is a copycat if she does things if in a way that you approve? Just so we're clear... What's Italian for "Catch-22"? Melissa tells her, "You're turning evil. Stop it. Get a hold of yourself."

Andy posits a viewer question: What is Teresa's biggest regret for something she said about Melissa on the show? Teresa is on message, though, and she immediately starts on a discussion of how many horrible things Melissa said. Andy: "No. Things you said." Teresa claims she didn't understand and starts to think. Melissa immediately points to when Teresa called Melissa a gold-digger. Teresa's all, "Hmmmm... what else?" Melissa: "Oh, so you regret that one? Well, luckily I have a list of insults right here on my phone!" She didn't actually say that last part, but she literally whips out her phone and starts rattling off the most egregious of Teresa's trash talk, including calling Melissa "a cold bitch" and "sneaky." She says Teresa accused Melissa of twisting her words (Teresa: "That's true") and finds it hypocritical that Teresa brought up supposed financial problems Joe was having in the midst of her own financial meltdown (that, she claims, the Gorgas refused to talk about). After this laundry list, Teresa admits she regrets one -- saying Melissa fills Joe's head with poison.

Andy turns the same question on Melissa, who says people had problems when she said "we pay our bills." Andy notes that everyone else may not have liked it, but what does she feel in hindsight. Melissa admits that it was the worst thing she said, but doesn't apologize, strictly speaking. When Teresa says Juicy was pissed at that comment, Melissa sticks to strict semantics and insists she didn't name names.

Speaking of Juicy, Andy wonders when the feud between the Joes began and throws to a clip whose lowlights are Juicy calling Joe a "f****t," Gia's sad song, and Juicy's highest compliment for Joe: "I don't fuckin' hate him." Both ladies agree that it goes back a long time. Melissa thinks Joe looks at Juicy like an older brother and just wants to hear a "Good job" from him now and again instead of an endless stream of trash talk. Andy brings up that Teresa's already had to apologize for her husband's gay slurs. Teresa insists it's just the usual back and forth between the Joes. Melissa insists her husband doesn't use that word or another "bad word" that Juicy does. I'm not sure I believe her story about Joe, but I don't think it's a stretch about Juicy either. Andy brings it back to reality: It doesn't matter if it's a case of "boys will be boys," it's not right. Teresa pulls the "I have tons of gay friends" excuse, and Andy shakes his head. Teresa claims, "He's just being himself." Andy says that she effectively condoning bigotry.

A viewer wonders if Teresa thinks Juicy has a drinking problem. She says no. Andy says a blog from Melissa that mentions how, on the same night the F-bomb was dropped, Juicy got wasted, chipped his tooth while doing gymnastics on marble, and yelled at Teresa. Teresa insists he was just "upset" about his fight with Joe. (The fight in which he threatened to break Joe's jaw?) Andy suggests that Juicy does a lot of pot stirring, and Teresa claims it's all a reaction to stuff Joe already did. Andy: "It seems like you hold Melissa and Joe to a higher standard than you hold your husband." Teresa: "I hear words coming out of your mouth, but I don't understand them." Andy mentions the jaw-breaking comment. Teresa: "He was upset."

Andy moves to another question: Were the Gorga siblings good role models for their kids? Teresa admits this season they weren't. Andy brings up Gia's song. Teresa says Gia understands Teresa is trying and just wishes "Zio Joe would try back." That's that. She just puts it out there like it's fact. Caroline is, like, "You realize how intensely you're fucking up your kid, right?" Teresa: "It's my kid!" Melissa says Teresa is gossiping too much with her own kids and poisoning them against her family. The screen splits as Caroline says Teresa is exposing Gia to too much, and Teresa tells her to mind her business. Teresa insists, "It was a beautiful song." Caroline thinks Teresa uses Gia as a tool and calls it "a disgrace... tragic."

Closing thoughts: This season was about family. What does that mean to each of the ladies? Kathy thinks it means loving through everything (even hate) and resolving things. Teresa reads some boilerplate about how families stick together that is completely inapplicable to how she lives her life. Melissa thinks family is about loyalty and respect. Caroline thinks it's about blood, swallowing your pride, and forgiveness. She starts to cry as she remembers decorating Dina's crib and putting her to sleep at night. She knows they'll eventually come back together and be there for each other in times of need. When she says the exact same thing that Teresa just said ("Friends will come and go, but family is forever") she really means it.