Well, it was certainly a tempestuous season, but who ever could have seen how intensely the other Housewives' would turn against Teresa. Oh wait. Everyone.
Andy welcomes the Housewives to the Count Basie Theatre in Red Bank, New Jersey. As he goes down the line, he asks if Kathy brought any desserts. Alas, no. Probably for the best since no table is safe around Teresa, and no one likes to waste good cannoli. Andy notes that Melissa feels "On Display" (wah-waaaaaah) and reveals that Caroline threatened to wear pajamas. He wastes no time pointing out that Jacqueline didn't show and asks what happened. Caroline explains that (conveniently?) they had incident filming the night before that left Jacqueline feeling betrayed and hurt. Says Caroline, "She just couldn't come here today and... look at Teresa." Andy's brows go a-bobbin', and he asks Teresa, "Is that right?" Teresa says Jacqueline started something and should have finished it. Caroline says they'll discuss it. Teresa: "Bring it on, baby."
Teresa implies the situation is laughable, which Caroline counters by saying Jacqueline is crying. Never one to be one-upped, Teresa claims she was crying for two days after Jacqueline and Caroline attacked her. Over what, we still don't know. It seems Andy doesn't either (or he's a really good actor). Teresa seeks cover in the fact that they can't discuss what's happening because it's set to air on the season. Andy brings up something presently known: A blog post from Jacqueline questioning Teresa's loyalty. Teresa insists she has no idea what the post is about and says Andy will have to ask Jacqueline what she means. How convenient that Jacqueline isn't there!
Seeing he's going to get nothing more from this conversation, Andy notes that a lot has happened since the taping of the finale, then moves back to season three. An ongoing theme has been "Loyalty." For Teresa, this apparently means "Hate those people I tell you to hate and stand by me even when I trash you and your family publicly." When pushed about all the shit she was talking about her friends and family, Teresa takes refuge in the technicalities like how she didn't explicitly name Melissa. She says Andy's writing a book, so he must know what she's going through. Andy: "Well I'm not gonna write about my sister-in-law." About the Caroline-related comments, she dismissively says in Italian, "Cento percento Italiano" ("I'm 100% Italian") and sticks to her claim that her comments about Chris's stripper car wash were a joke. She makes a point of looking in Caroline's eyes and insisting she didn't mean anything by her remarks. All the while, her eyes are blazing with defensiveness and fury. She's giving Ramona a run for her money in crazy eyes-ness. Caroline calls her "terrifying," and Kathy basically says, "You hurt someone's feelings. Stop being a bitch about it and apologize already." But that's far too much to ask from Teresa, obviously. She has come in prepared for war, and she's going to fight.
Caroline drags in Melissa and Kathy, noting that Teresa also bashed them in the book. Teresa justifies it by saying that's how she felt at the time she was writing. See? Easy as that! If you feel something, write it in a way that it will always be at close reach. That way, you have fuel for your fire for the rest of your life. Bygone? Eff 'em! Melissa wonders why Teresa needs to attack everyone. Teresa says, once again, "It's funny!" Do you see anyone laughing, Tre?
Melissa mentions that it was Caroline's shoulder on which Teresa was crying when the Gorgas left her Thanksgiving dinner for the Wakiles'. Apropos of that, Andy harkens back to a blog Teresa wrote about how Caroline and Jacqueline were like family to her. He asks if they're still like family to her. She says no, they jumped ship. Caroline says the book was the icing on the cake. She admits regret over how she treated Melissa and Kathy based on what Teresa has to say about them. Teresa shoots back that she couldn't possibly have influenced the strong-minded Caroline Manzo, but Caroline acknowledges that she did, even ordering Caroline not to compliment Melissa. This is some ground-level biz, y'all. We're talkin' grimy.
Speaking of grimy, Andy brings up the shove heard 'round the world. He notes that it was motivated because Danielle dragged Teresa's family into the mix at the last reunion. Having seen how shabbily Teresa treated her family this season, the irony is inescapable. Long story short, Danielle was referencing Melissa and her youngest son Joey, and Andy wonders how Danielle would know about those comings-and-goings. Melissa admits that she had a Facebook conversation or two with Danielle. Because when I'm talking with virtual strangers on Facebook, I'm definitely going to bring up my family's dirty laundry? Who are these people?
Teresa deems the whole situation "sad" and claims she didn't know that the Gorgas were coming on to the show. Melissa counters that she was offered a role as a Housewife on Friday, and Teresa "threatened [her] life on a Sunday." She alleges that Teresa told her Caroline would take her down. Then comes a contender for the line of the night: "You told me I have a huge forehead, and the whole world's going to make fun of my forehead." Aren't we glad Melissa has Tyra Banks-level confidence? (How else can you explain the similarly ill-advised musical aspirations?) Teresa claims she was only speaking from her own experience, then Caroline chimes in another contender for line of the night: "You used to say to me, 'Did you see her face? She looks like a horse with her horse forehead.'" Teresa sputters, "Oh my god... okay." If you hadn't already noticed, Teresa's response to everyone accusations is to basically say, "I'm surrounded by crazy people!" Like everyone just made up everything that's happened over the past few months. Forget the fact that it was all well-documented on film (and I'm sure will continue to be in season four)... Forget the fact that Teresa's batshit bug eyes are the greatest tell of all... They are the delusional ones.
Teresa acknowledges that she was upset when her sister-in-law and cousin joined the show "without telling" her. She puts it down to their self-promotion (Kathy's desserts, Melissa's singing), but they take issue with that judgment. Kathy wonders, "Do we have to kiss your rings, Teresa?" Melissa insists Teresa knew at the christening her family was filming for the show, too. Teresa replies nonsensically, "I see right through you." Caroline thinks Teresa "crucified" members of her own family on national television. Teresa holds her line.
Andy lights on Melissa's mention of the christening to segue to the package. You were there. You saw it. You cupped your face in your hands in sympathy shame. We cut back to the reunion, where Teresa is wiping away crocodile tears... or perhaps just an errant fleck of glitter from her showgirl-worthy eye shadow. If Teresa and Melissa never agree on anything else in this life, it's that they are both disgusted by what went down. Andy introduces a viewer question about Teresa's parents. She tells him they've never seen that episode and never will because they'd be horrified to see Joe call her garbage. Notice how she didn't acknowledge her own husband's bulldog-ish part of the scenario. Just Joe's comment. Granted, it was the proverbial match that lit the fire, but it's a two-way street...
A viewer wonders why Joe got so emotional at the christening. Melissa says that the Gorga siblings weren't speaking, which Teresa immediately disagrees with. She argues that there's no way Joe would have been that upset over a stupid reality show. Andy posits that maybe Joe thought the show had changed Teresa. Teresa admits she has been "busy," and Melissa mentions that Joe wasn't invited to the second season premiere of the show -- even though 900 other people were. Teresa acknowledges that she didn't invite Joe but pins it on the fact that Melissa had just given birth. Teresa goes a step farther, saying "if [Melissa was] a good wife," she would have called Teresa up to sort things out. Right after giving birth. Which, two seconds ago, Teresa just claimed was a reason for the entire Gorga family to skip her premiere party altogether. What? Cue the split screen. They go back and forth before Kathy makes the reason point that Teresa's "good wife" comment was balls-to-the-wall offensive.
Andy rescues Teresa from that logical hole and moves on. Per a viewer's question, Melissa admits that she holds Joe equally responsible for the escalating madness at baby Joey's christening. Another question: "Do the Gorgas have a temper problem?" Kathy says they're just too passionate. Teresa drags her in, saying, "And she's half Gorga." Blame is literally the only time Teresa will share any credit, huh? Then they all go into the blow-by-blow account of who got punched and whose hair was pulled, but it's all kind of boring and tertiary, so watch the clip if you're really interested. Moving on!
A viewer wonders if Gia, who was particularly upset at the time, has seen the footage of the christening since. Teresa says she doesn't have to, she lived it, but that she might have. Caroline points out that their families all watched it in the Lauritas' basement along with the Gorgas. What weird, nightmarish gathering that would have been! And not filmed! Why would they have done that? These people are crazy, y'all.
Caroline mentions how Joe anticipated the "beating" he would take from viewers. Teresa senses her cue to position herself as high and mighty, so she says she never asked for an apology and forgave him outright. Caroline: "That's forgiveness? I'm looking at forgiveness right now?" She adds that Teresa told her she didn't want to make up with her brother because he was an a-hole. Teresa calls Caroline a pathetic liar, and Melissa has to pick her jaw up off the floor. Cue more split screen as Teresa calls Caroline "the friggin' Exorcist [sic]."
The drama is cut when they play a package of "Jersey speak," including many instances of the word "youse," Melissa's "Amazing Grace" malapropism ("wench" for "wretch"), the Gorgas' "work ethnic," Teresa's "ingredientses," and so forth. And speaking of nonstarter packages, let's take a look at the Gorgas' sexuality! After a clip about Melissa's singing "career" that features many a "Thank you Jesus!" a viewer asks if Melissa if half black. Apparently she has been asked this many times and teased about it by her sisters. Of her "career" moving forward, Melissa admits that it's getting a little costly and leaves things open-ended. Andy questions Teresa about her dismissive attitude toward Melissa's singing, which segues into the fact that Teresa has also taken credit for Kathy's move into baking. Teresa maintains that the success of her cookbooks is what gave Kathy the push to pursue baking commercially. Kathy just rolls her eyes.
A viewer asks about Melissa's father's death. Still obviously affected by it, Melissa explains that that he was driving on a rainy night and collided with a tree when she was 17. Andy asks what he would think of her singing career. She says he would only be concerned that she's pursuing her dreams, whether she's successful or not. She concedes that the subject of music is particularly touchy for her because her father took endless videos of her singing and dancing when she was a child. Andy wonders what he would think about Real Housewives, and Melissa acknowledges it might be a problem since he was very conservative, but her mother has said he would have been proud.
Continuing on, a viewer asks, "What does Joe do for a living -- print money in that big basement?" That lightens the mood as Melissa says he's a custom home builder and a land developer who converts abandoned warehouses to condos. Andy wonders what Melissa thinks of Teresa's assertion that Melissa is a gold digger. Melissa: "Shame on her." Teresa laughs that it she wasn't the first person to put that perspective forward -- it was Juicy. Then she tells a story, that Kathy confirms, where Melissa made some comments to the effect that she would be stupid not to seize on Joe's hard work and success by marrying him. That iteration is a mid-level version because Teresa's take, which calls Melissa's sisters stupid and includes the words "I would jump on that shit," and Kathy's much more diplomatic explanation. Melissa tells wide-eyed Teresa, "You look like the devil right now." Teresa spits back, "You're the devil. You're wearing red. It matches you." She asks, "Do you like that, bitch?" then claims, "We're in a good place. Why are you going back there?" Melissa can only gasp in disbelief, and Andy deems it a good spot to take a break.
Bonus: Andy and the ladies talk out the finer points of spray tanning at length. Wow, this reunion is a real zinger! Ugh.
Andy brings up the Giudices' bankruptcy and asks Teresa how it feels to be the breadwinner. She says she embraces it and wants to set a good example for her daughters. Andy throws to a package about Teresa's financial struggles this season. Toward the end, we're reminded that the fraud trial vindicated Teresa... but not so much Juicy. At the end of the package, Teresa makes an odd comment about how her "Jewish friends" said they would have left Juicy amid all this drama. Andy asks the obvious question, "What was that about?" As explanation, Teresa just repeats what she said. Andy grimaces because clearly Teresa doesn't get the fact that it wasn't necessary to bring up the fact that the friend who made that comment was "Jewish." By doing so, particularly involving money-related issues, she played into all sorts of demeaning stereotypes. Kathy and Melissa explain this to her, and Teresa's all, "I love the Jews!" Andy tries to make a point by analogizing it to an Italian stereotype, but Teresa is basically like, "La la laaaa! Jews!" Moving on.
Andy asks about the particularly lavish Christmas at the Giudices considering their money problems. Teresa claims she was joking (yet again!) when she snarked at Juicy about not buying her diamonds and says she gets swept up in shopping for her kids. Which, fair enough... until you try to defend how vigilant you've been about minding your finances. Teresa insists her decision to buy Gia an iPod Touch was a step down from Gia's original request for an iPhone. Issue #1: Gia is nine years old. Issue #2: An iPod Touch still starts at $200. Issue #3: Melissa says, "Gia has an iPhone." Teresa: "Now she does." She says Gia wanted both, but she only got her one. Andy snarks, "Boy, you are really cracking a whip." OMG, I can't even...
Andy brings up Melissa and Kathy's comments that Teresa is "smiling through the pain." Since she's prepared to fight literally every statement made tonight (including but not limited to "The sky is blue"), Teresa gets her back up about that, too, before everyone's like, "No, though, they were being nice to you." Faced with such a perplexing thing as a compliment, Teresa remains silent.
Andy continues down this fruitless road, asking if Joe helped Teresa in her time of need. She says he didn't and says Juicy got help from his father. A viewer asks about the auction that Teresa claimed she didn't hold. She says people came to her house to take pictures of the furniture. Whaaaaa? She says the nebulous Internet folk claimed she had Picasso paintings "for, like, $50,000." Andy notes that they'd probably go for more like $50 million. Teresa submits a third quote of the night: "See, my husband would never go for a Picasso painting." Andy zings her back, "I don't think he could." BAM!
Andy brings up Teresa's vow to pay back all her debts. He puts them at $11 million, but she says they're closer to $8 million and that a lot of land in their possession has been sold. He wonders why she didn't absolve herself by declaring bankruptcy instead, then answers his own question by noting that they would have both gone to jail if they'd been found guilty of bankruptcy fraud. Teresa acts like that was never in the cards. Melissa says, "Well that's all public knowledge, right?" And Teresa's all, "Exactly." Wait, what? Like many a Housewife before her, Teresa seems to think acknowledging the very charges against her renders them null and void. Again I say, These people are crazy.
Andy asks how long it will take long to pay back $8 million. Teresa say she's not sure of the exact timeline. Andy: "You should look into that." Ha! Teresa insists Juicy is working and goes so far as to claim that Joe got his start by watching Juicy at work. Melissa says those kinds of assertions make Joe very upset (because they deny any credit to his own enterprising spirit). On a roll, Teresa also claims that Rich got into investment property because of Juicy. Kathy tells her, "Don't go there. Don't. Zip it." Melissa brings up some family drama where Teresa tried to cut off Rich so he wouldn't be as successful as her family. Teresa once again dismisses her with her eye-rolling, fake-smiling, "Okaaaaaay." She insists that her husband was the go-to guy for business advice and was nothing short (no pun intended) of helpful and generous with his time and knowledge. Nothing that we have seen over the last several years bears that out, but whatevs. Melissa snarks, "Basically anything good that anyone has ever done comes from Teresa and Joe." Indeed, I suspect that's how Teresa sees it!
On to legal matters: Andy brings up Juicy's arrest for obtaining a fraudulent driver's license in March. If convicted, says Andy, Juicy could face 18 months to 10 years in the clink. Is Teresa worried? Yes and no, she says, insisting Juicy didn't do anything. Of the fraud lawsuit, Teresa was cleared, but Juicy was ordered to pay $260,000. Teresa says he's paid in full and declines to comment further.
Caroline expels a whole mouth full of disgruntled air, and Andy asks her about her quizzical look. She says simply, "I'm quizzical," and notes that there are some puzzling elements to Teresa's affairs. Teresa: "Who cares what Caroline thinks?" Caroline: "Well, Andy for starters." Teresa tries to deflect by claiming, "I'm confused about The Brownstone," but it's totally unnoticed. They keep talking over one another until Caroline wonders why Teresa is poised to fight. Teresa says, "I'm calm and cool like a whistle." Caroline finally calls her out for being defensive. Andy's all, "Cool like a whistle?" Ha! Andy literally looks at the camera in confusion as Teresa says she doesn't want to hear what Caroline's saying. Caroline tells her to plug her ears. Double ha!
Caroline says she feels like she's getting dumber by the minute. And I quote, "I am in a whirlwind of stupid." She thinks she and everyone else in the room besides Teresa would be better served to plug their own ears and "La la la" while Teresa spins her bullshit stories. Several beats behind, Teresa tells Caroline, "You should take your own advice." Caroline agrees, saying she should have taken her own advice two years ago when she thought it would be best to get Teresa out of her life. She shrugs her eyebrows all, "Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Giudice."
week: The reunion's stunning conclusion! Caroline blames Teresa for her fractured relationship with Dina. Teresa accuses Kathy of being a fair-weather cousin. Melissa to Teresa: "You're turning evil." Caroline to Teresa: "You saying I'm shit is the biggest compliment in the world." Annnnd scene!