I don't know about you, but I haven't slept since last week's cliffhanger that left SO many unanswered questions, namely: Will Caroline punch Danielle in the babymaker? Will Teresa's head actually pop off? Will Danielle admit she's switched teams? If the zombies invaded the set, would they find anything to eat? Does Bravo Andy get hazard pay? With these Very Important Questions keeping me awake at night, I am oh so happy to be here perched on my couch, Diet Coke firmly planted in my arm, ready to rumble. Let's get it on, bitches! Just don't hit me.
Bravo Andy welcomes us back to the Borgata hotel in New Jersey, which is probably really regretting this particular product placement. We pick up exactly where we left off: Caroline is sitting nine feet away from Danielle, despite being on the same couch, because she is in a HUFF because of Danielle's behavior at her beloved family business, The Brownstone. While Danielle's hissyfit at The Brownstone took place months ago, Caroline is still smarting from the insult, even though she wasn't actually there and, really, all Albert had to do was re-arrange some tables. And, of course, Chris was called a nasty name behind his back by a felon. Still, this pains Caroline on a deep and personal level, because clearly Albie has never been called a name before and the trauma will be too much for his little tiny head to handle. This taunting will most certainly derail him from his dream of owning a stripper car wash.
Anyway, Danielle caused a ruckus at The Brownstone and then her friend with the beautifully feathered hair (I really hope his stylist becomes a judge on Shear Genius) called Albie a rotten name and Danielle, a repeatedly self-professed gay advocate who punched Joe in the throat for referring to someone or something as "gay" last season, let it slide. So now Caroline, Jacqueline, Teresa and even Bravo Andy (et tu?) are all screaming at her for ignoring it. Danielle, being Danielle and having a season pass on the Denial Express, now claims that she schooled Danny later, you know, in private. Then she claims she is no longer talking to him because of this incident. Oh Danielle, I sort of understood ignoring your asshole friend while you are in some deluded sense in fear for your life or at least, hair weave, but pretending you called him out later in hopes of regaining your Gay Advocate crown and sash is silly. Teresa is trying to view this as some sort of retribution for Danielle yelling at Joe last season, but Bravo Andy points out that he was pretty offended by that, too. Teresa settles down. Can someone call her hairdresser in and get him to stop giving her advice and FIX HER DAMN HAIR? It looks absolutely deflated.
Anyway everyone stops screaming about THAT subject and then they start screaming about something else. I'm actually not sure what it is. Did Bravo Andy ask a question? Or did Caroline just out of the blue accuse Danielle of stalking her and driving past her house to throw flaming bags of dog poop up the driveway? Danielle, obviously, denies this. She never goes to Franklin Lakes, not even for The Best Panini In the World. NOT EVEN THEN! Then, pursuant to nothing other than Danielle-hate, Jacqueline randomly accuses Danielle of still being a call girl and sleeping with married men. Danielle is SO offended. Not about the call girl thing, because that's true, but MEN? She is far too subversive to sleep with MEN. Jacqueline feels no need to verify her claims, because SHE KNOWS THE TRUTH. I am unconvinced of Jacqueline's grasp of THE TRUTH, but whatever. Everyone screams at Danielle some more, Teresa is hollering about something, but it's unclear what. She may just be aping everything Danielle is doing. Bravo Andy is focusing on his Happy Place and adding zeros to his paycheck as the ladies sigh and flip their hair and shout and mock and degrade each other as much as possible. Finally Danielle has had enough. She is leaving. Or at least marching back stage. She is Done. She says she is done enough times for us to realize that "Done" is the new "Goodbye". You know, for fall.
Danielle is VERY proud of herself and sits backstage gloating to her hairdresser/consigliere/token gay entourage member about knocking them down in this round. Out on the stage, Jacqueline, probably out of boredom or at the encouragement of the producers, decides it is her time to leap off the couch and charge after Danielle. Bravo Andy rolls his eyes, stands up, brushes his pants, and holds her back, and sighs, "No, don't." Jacqueline sits back down as Danielle calls her a Vegas whore, which is funny because it is probably true. Then she reminds viewers that she and Caroline are the same age, but she looks ten years younger, sort of. Out on the couches, Caroline is very admirably trying to play the Voice of Reason, but Jacqueline and Teresa are done with reason. Then Teresa calls Danielle the c-word (note: not cookie) and that is one step too far for Caroline who feels it is her obligation to point out the obvious fact that this will cause Teresa to lose her status as a C-word Advocate. Also, it's not very nice. Bravo Andy gives everyone a Time Out. Finally.
Bravo Andy is reminding Teresa and Jacqueline that they are not allowed off the couch. Teresa swears again and Bravo Andy snaps at her and tells her to just calm down. Teresa glares at him, but she needs the work, so she keeps her mouth shut. Danielle takes her seat and Andy introduces a new topic: Dina! Andy introduces the clip show by reminding us that Dina left the show after the Incident at The Brownstone, which apparently has reached the stature of The Incident at Little Big Horn. If someone had taken a picture and Albert had scaled a mountain, it would have rivaled Iwo Jima.
Andy asks Danielle why she felt Dina owed her an apology and Danielle dares to break Reality Television's fourth wall, namely, some shit happens off camera. HERETIC! BURN HER! Danielle then calmly explains that they have all sinned all bear the burden of Dina's departure. Caroline has rolled her eyes so far up in her head that I am pretty sure she sprained them. Andy then reads a really harsh blog post in which Dina wishes Danielle would have her balls bitten by a thousand serpents and die a fiery death. Danielle thinks that is pretty harsh. Um, yes. America agrees with your assessment, Danielle! Caroline has toppled over in eye rolling enthusiasm and Bravo Andy finally asks her what she thinks of Danielle's assessment of Dina's departure. Caroline points out that this was supposed to be fun and I am pretty sure we are WAY past fun at this point. Caroline wishes Dina could have stuck it out, but she's different than the rest of them. In that she has common sense. And sanity. I mean, clearly Dina made the sanest choice.
Andy turns to Jacqueline and explains that she has been getting grief from viewers over her seemingly lax parenting of out-of-control Ashley. After the clips of Ashley calling Jacqueline a bitch, Jacqueline tossing her out of the house repeatedly, and Ashley being her typical rotten smart mouthed teenage self, Andy turns to Jacqueline and asks why Ashley is such a mega-bitch? Jacqueline shrugs that she has tried to parent Ashley, she took away her car, her door, her car door. Nothing worked! Andy looks impressed that Jacqueline had actually tried to parent, because it wasn't entirely clear until now that she had ever attempted it. I do feel it is my obligation to point out that out of all the "out-of-control Ashley" clips, not one was Ashley pulling Danielle's hair out of her head for no reason nor was there any mention of Ashley's really weird Facebook and text message harassment campaign against a 50-year old woman. Yes, even if that woman is Danielle. It's still not particularly normal behavior.
Andy then asks a question "from a viewer" (you know he makes these up himself) about why Danielle, a grown woman, would get in a Facebook war with a teenager. Danielle denies ever responding. Jacqueline claims she saw responses. Then Jacqueline claims Danielle wished some Twitter fool that all his birthday wishes come true, but it happened that his wish was that Ashley Holmes commit suicide. Danielle denies this, too, so Jacqueline pulls out proof. But it's not very good proof in that it could be very easily doctored and so Danielle denies it some more. Everyone is pretty calm about this charade right now because this is what happens when your spirit is crushed and the light has gone out of your eyes. Danielle denies more vehemently that she responded, Caroline calls her out about her denials, but no one's heart is really in it anymore. Danielle denies some more and then apologizes if she happened to reply to the twitard without reading his entire 140-character tweet. What? That's a lot of letters, spaces, and symbols.
We come back from the break and Bravo Andy is looking rather haggard. And can you blame him? He sighs realizing that he has no choice but to run the clips of The Fight. He rolls the clips and we see Teresa stake out a hallway and pounce when Danielle walks by. Then we see Teresa call Danielle "honey" and then "bitch" and then flip the fuck out when Danielle claims her house is in foreclosure. Then we see Jacqueline screaming at Danielle, then we see Danielle running, Teresa knocking over old ladies, Danielle crying, Ashley pulling her hair, Danielle crying, and then Danielle pressing charges. Wasn't it a gay old time? Bravo Andy asks the big question: Who started the fight? Teresa claims she just wanted to say hi to an old pal. It is mind boggling how unaware Teresa is. Also, how deluded. Also how Andy doesn't call her on it AT ALL. He is probably scared of her.
Andy then reads an email from a viewer that suggests that Danielle overstated how much hair was pulled out of her head. To prove her point, Danielle brought a visual aid! It's a head in a bag! Sadly, not Ashley's. I really would like Danielle to leave this show in handcuffs. It would make this entire season so much more realistic. Danielle's head has extensions sewn into it and she has Bravo Andy try and pull them out. He does ...eventually. It is not an easy task to accomplish, but Danielle sticks by her version of events. Then Caroline asks if Danielle perjured herself in court when she said Ashley threatened to kill her. Hey maybe if she sneaks the question in there Danielle won't notice. Can't hurt to try, right? Danielle makes a serious "Bitch, please" face and turns back to Andy with a sad story of a lifetime of abuse. If true, that is tragic and also explains a lot about Danielle and her behavior. But! Get some therapy, girl, because you are FAR from healthy or stable. Then Danielle says something about not running any more and Teresa points out that she just ran. Danielle reminds her that technically she was walking. Teresa than begs someone to pay her a $100,000 to get in a ring with Danielle. Quit shilling for work, you bankrupt!
During the course of the evening, Kim G.'s name came up repeatedly. I have been ignoring in the vague hope that Kim G. will go far far away. You know how in Peter Pan [SPOILER ALERT] when Tinkerbell is ailing and you have to clap your hands if you believe in fairies and it will make her healthy again? I'm hoping to have some sort of inverse of that here. Like if we all ignore the fuck out of Kim G. she will just disappear forever. Instead, Bravo Andy intrudes an all Kim G. reel including several shots of diligent strippers trying to spare us all the sight of Kim G.'s ass crack. Despite these valiant strippers best efforts, we still see the damn thing. We also see Kim G. lying to everyone, being everyone's best friend, and generally stirring shit up.
To make matters worse, Kim G. and her seemingly brand new face appears on stage and takes a seat to Jacqueline. Andy asks her to explain why she would call Danielle a square tit, when clearly they are more tear-drop shaped. Kim G. squawks about her bad boob jobs and Danielle thinks it is anti-feminist to mock another woman's breasts. Then Caroline and Danielle get in some squabble because Danielle crossed the line-of-death dividing the couch and Caroline got upset. Then Danielle accuses Caroline of invoking Kim G.'s presence and Caroline denies it until Andy reminds her that she totally did. Caroline then remembers that she has some Very Important Questions for Kim G. that will make Danielle look like a lying liar who lies. Like Danielle needs any help looking like that. Kim G. does everything she can to make her look good (unlikely) and Danielle look bad (likely). Caroline still won't go out for lunch with Kim G., though.
Then Andy reads Teresa's blog post about Kim G.'s old lady butt crack and Kim G. gets upset and she and Teresa get in a spit fight over Jacqueline's body. In short, Teresa called Kim G.'s ass aged and Kim G. called her a broke ass bitch. ALL TRUE, PEOPLE! Then Andy dismisses Kim G. from the couch and hopefully (fingers crossed!) off my television set FOREVER. Andy then makes Teresa, Caroline, and Jacqueline all pinkyswear to Danielle that they did not know that Kim G. was coming on the show. Danielle doesn't believe it anyway.
Andy reminds us that the season finale focused on the meeting of two matriarchs, Danielle and Caroline. They replay the entire fight with Caroline spewing weird aphorisms, Danielle staring blankly, and Teresa making crazyface in the bottom of the screen. Andy wants to focus on the least interesting part of the encounter, of course, namely that Danielle brought armed guards to the meeting. Danielle tries to explain that she felt threatened, but Caroline doesn't let her finish because that would be uncharacteristic. Then Jacqueline apologizes to Danielle for how out-of-control everything has gotten and then they both remember that they were once friends and had a relationship and then they negotiate some form of détente and agree to never see each other again, like England and the United States. Then Danielle tearfully apologizes about her treatment of Ashley, because she really does care about the fate of that wayward teen. All she ever wanted was an apology. Jacqueline and Danielle talk over each other for a while and Caroline tries not to sneer and Teresa tries not to barf.
After an hour and fifteen minutes of super-sized Real Housewives fun (?) we are in the final stretch. Danielle apologizes to Jacqueline and wishes all the best to her and her family. Then Teresa is starting to feel ignored so she blurts that she has four beautiful daughters. Danielle then shoots off the couch and hugs her because she is so clearly crazy and starved for attention. Then Danielle hugs Jacqueline for a very long time and whispers a whole bunch of love and light and apologies into her ear while Teresa faints, Andy looks stunned, and Caroline risks spraining her eyes again. Eventually Jacqueline starts looking around for help and blinking "S-O-S" in Morse code because Danielle is not letting up and the hug is starting to look like a sleeper hold. Then Danielle returns to her seat and Caroline denounces the whole thing as a load of horseshit. Then Danielle and Caroline confess that they don't like each other at all. With that (and without any acknowledgment that Danielle is not coming back year), Bravo Andy thanks us for our eyeballs, brain cells, and the hours of our lives sacrificed at the altar of Bravo television. See you season, bitches!
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is wondering if New Jersey has any plans to secede from Franklin Lakes. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Look back at the ten most memorable moments from the second season of RHONJ here: