WTF.

S02E17

Obviously Teresa needs a Time Out. She heads off camera to talk to her consigliere, who is, naturally, her hairdresser. Teresa has scarcely calmed down at all, but returns to the couch to holler some more. When Andy goes back to talk to Danielle, she tells him she is not going back out there unless Teresa is duct-taped to the couch or Jailbird Danny and his feathered hair get to stand on stage. I made up that last part, because I think Danny is suing her now.

Andy promises that Teresa won't hit her, but Danielle looks doubtful, because Teresa threw Andy off of her like he was a Gap sweatshirt at a Prada sample sale. Outside the dressing room, Teresa is screaming: YOU MAKE HER COME BACK HERE, ANDY! YOU MAKE HER! Danielle is being soothed by HER hairdresser as well as her "music partner" now. Eventually she comes back to the couch with not a hair (extension) out of place. Andy asks some ridiculous question about Danielle helping Jacqueline get pregnant, where Jacqueline denies it all and Danielle makes her "I hate you" face while asking for a simple thank you.

Andy changes the subject to talk about how Caroline is everyone's favorite mother and her struggles with her Golden Boy Albie flunking out of law school. She tears up watching the trials of Albert, Jr. and then opines that she hopes he becomes President of the United States. If that happens, please kill me. Suicide pact? Also, I'm not sure if the White House can handle The Ham Game. Who wants to talk about the ham game when we can talk about Joe Giudice hiding the salami with Teresa's sister? Moving on! Caroline, shaving enthusiast, defends her preferred facial exfoliating technique, but not even Bravo Andy is buying it. Just admit that you're half monkey, Caroline! Admit it! No? Maybe in Reunion, Part 2?

Andy wants to talk about Danielle's daughters, Jillian the singer-songwriter and Christine the model and Teresa's four darling French hookers. Danielle says some nice things about Teresa's children, but Teresa is so dead-behind-the-eyes at this point (perhaps plotting Joe's imminent demise) that it doesn't even register. Then Andy reads out Danielle's comments about dressing her little girls in crinoline and lace and her dogs in leopard print. Danielle pretends that this was in no way comparing Teresa's children to tiny tiny yappy dogs. LIES! Teresa's children are dressed like French prostitutes most of the time and tiny tiny yappy dogs sometimes get dressed like the Gorton's fisherman. You know, when it's raining. Caroline confirms that she thinks Danielle's children lack any light in their eyes, which is true. Jacqueline asks Danielle if she knows that her daughters cry at school every day? Danielle has no comment other than, "Teenagers!" If true, that is very sad, but the Manzos, Giudice and Lauritas have to take some of the blame for the rumors that start in the hotbed of Chateau's manicure room that end up making the girls cry.