So, if I'd known when I volunteered to fill in for LuluBates that I'd miss out on the Dina-Danielle drama (and on crazy cat lady Dina completely), I might not have done it. Oh, who am I kidding? There will be plenty to make fun of and laugh at (not with) even without her. Let's begin. In case you forgot, last week, Danielle said she felt unsexy, as she showed her ass and did a strip-tease. Kim G. played both sides. And Dina left forever. The lucky bitch. Welcome to Franklin Lakes, N.J., home of crazies, wackos and stereotypes.
Caroline, Teresa and Jacqueline have a meal that starts out being all about mourning the loss of Dina. But, since this is this show, it quickly turns into the ladies bitching about what happened with Danielle two weeks ago or whenever. And now they're blaming Danielle for Dina leaving, since Dina was such a selfless person and Danielle drove her to the difficulty of having to not be filmed. They worry Danielle's going to come after them . Because exactly what she wants to do to stay semi-semi-famous is to force everyone out of the show so that there is no show left. Not that I'm saying Danielle would be smart enough to even think this far ahead, but what would the show be without the fighting? Danielle getting her fourth set of breast implants?
Oh, right. So, Danielle's meeting with a plastic surgeon to talk about her three breast augmentations (she doesn't know the word "condescending," but if it's a word related to her boob jobs, she's all over it). Anyway, she tells the doctor that one of the bubbies is bad (try both): "It's hard, cold and doesn't get a body temperature at all to it." The doctor says she'll have to take the implant out because her body's walling it off to keep the infection from going from the bubby to the body. Danielle tells us how much she suffers because of the implants. She flashes the doctor her breasts and he hides his horror and just says, "Okay, this is clearly going to need to be redone." He tells her he'll call in one of the country's leading "breast revision surgeons." I can't believe that's a thing. Although, with all of these Housewives shows, I should probably be able to believe it. Danielle thinks this is the beginning of feeling desirable again.
Lauren puts makeup on her friend, Kathryn, for avant-garde day at school (Make-up Designory) when her mom shows up, all proud of her for being so good at putting crazy makeup on other people. Lauren's horrified at her mother's pride in her. The scene is basically an excuse for Caroline to tell us how great her kids are. That's right, folks. This is as exciting as it gets now.
Chris and Jacqueline prepare to lecture Ashley for the nothing fight with her mom last week during poker night. Chris is really the one who seems mad about it, though, and Jacqueline thinks Ashley will respect her someday. When Ashley comes in, Chris tells her she needs to respect them, and Jacqueline just cries. Ashley apologizes for acting immature, and says she feels like an idiot. Her mom cries and tells her she's not the enemy. Ashley says she kinda wants to come home (or, you know, the producers kinda want her to; but what's the difference?). They tell her she can come home anytime, but she has to follow the rules. Jacqueline praises Chris for being the voice of reason (it's easy in this crowd). She says she started dating Chris when Ashley was five, so she always listens to him. It ends with an open invitation to come home, so that's obviously going to happen. We need the drama.
Teresa and her party planner Elvira work on her housewarming party. But only after some bickering because Teresa does the cooking, cleaning, and caring for the babies herself. Elvira admires her spotless house and then inexplicably tells her to "get some help." Well, two things: 1. Isn't a party planner "some help"? 2. When did Teresa become the down-to-earth one? Elvira's also annoyed Teresa won't get a pool in her ginormous backyard (because she already has a beach house). Elvira wants to turn Teresa's house into Studio 54, and they basically roll their eyes and hate each other until Teresa pretty much shuts the door in her face. Somehow, she doesn't fire her, though.
Whaddayaknow? Ashley's back at her parents' house with her bags, wanting to move in. She wants to negotiate some stuff first, namely the curfew. She doesn't understand why she can't come home later than 12:00. Chris says she can come home at 12:00 on weeknights and 2 on the weekends. Ashley cries and pleads with them not to give her a curfew at all if she communicates and lets them know when she'll be home. Chris compromises to 1 on weekdays, 2 on weekends, and says she can break the rules, maybe, if she's good. She moves back in, happy about it even if it's not as flexible as she'd like. They all hug. Awwww... Zzzzzzzz.
Albie has bad news for his mom: He got bad grades because of his learning disability (which Caroline describes as "ADD or something"), a 1.9. The cutoff was 2.0, so the school's kicked him out, and they don't care about his learning disability. He appealed, and they told him to find a new career. Caroline wants him to use this to fuel his fight, which she wishes she could fight for him. He says he feels worthless and they both cry. Dude, give me a break. He got a 1.9. Learning disability or not, those are some bad grades. Albie says he doesn't know what a learning disability is, and Caroline tells him to become an attorney for himself and "every learning disability kid who comes after you." This is right up there with the Gettysburg Address and MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech in the annals of inspirational speeches in American history. (Hey, when did Ryan O'Reily start doing insurance commercials?)
Albert and Caroline talk about Albie's law school situation, because she wants to make sure they're on the same page before they deal with their grown son's problems for him.
Teresa and Jacqueline go shopping for clothes now that they've had their babies. They're shopping at Posche, owned by Kim D., who previously bashed Danielle to them but then went to a luncheon with Danielle. Gasp! Good thing for this show, though, since they obviously don't have enough current footage to fill the air time. Anyway, Kim D. says she only lunched with Danielle because she's a customer. Teresa's considering inviting Kim D. to her housewarming party, but only if she's not friends with Danielle, because she wants no drama that night. As if that's possible at any party on this show. The producers will manipulate some right up for us if none happens organically.
Danielle's out of the drama for now, though, because she's going in for her breast surgery. She has every confidence in her genius bubby doctor. We get a gross shot of Danielle full-frontal from the waste up (with nipples blurred) as the doctor draws on her chest and reviews the procedure with her. It's almost more than I can take, really. I should be getting hazard pay for this. Danielle assures us she's not doing this for aesthetic reasons; it's out of necessity. But, you know, the first three times... Once she's under, the doctor tells everyone that this is the worst case he's ever seen and she has one of the worst deformities he's ever seen. He's exasperated, basically, and all of the doctors are horrified, all "I don't know what to do" and "This is not an easy case, man." But they go ahead and cut. I would definitely want a surgeon who cuts before knowing what he wants to do.
Albert and Caroline take their kids out for dinner to make them all feel good about life. It's basically: Lauren, you're awesome at makeup. Chris, you have a great personality. Albie, stay handsome. Ha. Caroline says someone told her the other day that Chris was better-looking than Albie. They argue over who's their dad's favorite, and Albie pretty much wants to kill himself. Caroline's done feeling sorry for Albie, though, since he's a man and needs to act like one.
Teresa shows up late to meet her party planner for furniture shopping, and they bicker some more in front of giant, shiny, gold, plastic-looking furniture that they both love. Hey, they do have something in common after all!
Elvira shows up with about ten cars full of people to get Teresa's house ready for the party. Teresa witnesses Elvira being a bitch to her helpers, too, so it's not just her at least. Elvira's entourage, all dressed in black, are decorators, fire eaters, caterers, break dancers. Teresa's hairdresser shows up and she excuses herself, to which Elvira replies, "Are you kidding? I don't need you. I do this all the time." Jacqueline calls Teresa, begging for an invitation to the party for Kim G. Teresa's "like, nice like that," so she invites her. Not for Kim G., but for Jacqueline. Teresa tells Jacqueline twenty times she's nice, but Kim G. "better not bring up the bitch," because it's her night and she wants to enjoy it.
Danielle wakes up in the recovery room. Her first words are, "How do they look?" Of course. The doctor says she's going to love them and sends her home. Danielle tells us she was a little loopy and "felt a little out-of-control, and I'm not used to that." Oh, God, give me a break. Loopy and out-of-control are Danielle's natural states. Danielle's girls are so happy to see her, and Jillian tells us how happy she is to help her mom out. Danielle's new breasts symbolize everything new to her. Please just kill me if I ever say my boobs symbolize anything larger about my life.
Teresa's literally rolled out the red carpet and put up a velvet rope for her party. Joe thinks Teresa's showing a little too much cleavage, since everyone's going to be seeing it. Teresa loves the over-the-top party room, which she says "is so me." And she thinks Elvira's great, even though she's totally annoying. Kim D. and Kim G. are hanging out, and they tell Lauren they had a bottle of wine on the way. It was most likely force-fed to them by the show's producers to try to stir up some alcohol-induced drama. I mean, what's their choice, with Danielle in post-op lockdown. Teresa and Joe dance awkwardly followed by the fire eaters and break dancers we heard about earlier. Teresa calls Caroline and Jacqueline up to praise them publicly, and then Kim D. brings herself up into the spotlight and hugs Teresa, totally wasted. It's really not drama -- just drunkenness -- but Caroline and the show want us to think it's something more. Teresa loves it, though: "My kind of girl."
Kim D. and Ashley start talking shit about Danielle, and Caroline's super-annoyed. She doesn't want to hear that name ever. She says Danielle's "like parsley; she's everywhere." She butts in and tells them not to muddy this house with that name. Kim G. pulls Caroline aside and tells her that Jacqueline's obsessed with Danielle. Caroline just tells her to shut up, and if she wants to be Jacqueline's friend not to mention Danielle again. Jacqueline overhears it and calls out Kim G. on coming to her and talking to her about Danielle. Jacqueline says she's not obsessed; she's angry. Jacqueline storms off from the Kims.
week: More school issues for Albie. Kim D. invites Teresa to a party that Danielle might be at. And then... ta-da! She is. And we all know what that means? Catfight! (And I cannot be asked to watch whatever musical moment Andy Cohen's telling us Danielle's about to have. I already had to watch her boob job; isn't that enough suffering?)
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, can't believe she misses Dina. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.