The Unseeable

S02E07

Chris and Albie head to the pork store JUST IN CASE YOU FORGOT this show was in New Jersey and these people were walking stereotypes. The mens are buying provisions for their weekly poker game where in they eat meat, gamble, and make threats against Ashley's boyfriend for daring to exist. They hatch a scheme to initiate Derek into the group. Apparently the hazing process involves punching, hog-tying, and ham slapping. Okay, who is jealous of Derek?!

Danielle invites us all over to her dog collecting friend Sue's house. Every crazy rich suburb has to have at least one dog collector. Sue has an enormous Great Dane and a tiny Papillion and Danielle somehow manages to draw comparisons between them and her dating life. This stupefying analogy (of which I am sure Borges would be proud) does not stun the ladies, but the fact that Danielle wants to date but is WEARING SLEEVES drives them to hysterics. How you ever going to catch a man with your arms covered? SLEEVES? SLEEVES!?? What is she, a puritan? Might as well just wear a barrel with two straps and hit the nightclub circuit.

Danielle dutifully removes her cardigan before lamenting that she hasn't dated since Teresa and Joe fake set her up with a fake friend who was a real famewhore. Cut to Teresa reminding us that her friend would show up at Danielle's house for his weekly blowjob. Gosh, thanks for the reminder! Danielle explains that this winner also filmed their encounters and had hidden cameras in the boudoir. Then he tried to sell the sex tape, but Danielle's lawyer put the kibosh on it. The existence of a sex tape does not seem particularly troubling to Danielle. In fact it pales in comparison to the point that Teresa was the one who set her up with the perpetrator. I mean, doesn't Teresa think she deserves better than that? Sorry to be the one to break this to you Danielle, but, no, no she does not. After that fiasco, Danielle started wearing sleeves and sackcloth and hasn't dated since. Danielle's friend who is *shudder* wearing a coat, which I guess means she is a lesbian, suggests that Danielle show more skin if she wants to catch a man.

Speaking of the sex tape, the guy who made it and then tried to sell it has been invited to Chris and Jacqueline's house for the poker game. Jacqueline thinks Skeevy Steve is, well... skeevy and she wants to have a talk with Chris about his choice in friends. Because... yeah, Chris: CHOICES. Teresa strangely has very little to say about this except to say that Skeevy Steve is 26 (but looks like he's 50) and that is just what guys do! Oh for the love of...Teresa! Is that what you are teaching your daughters? That guys just have some biological imperative to record sex with D-list celebrities and try and sell it to the highest bidder? Gia is going to be a big hit in college. Ugh. Jacqueline decides she needs to talk to STEVE about this Right Now because this show has no other drama going on so they need to make something up. Jacqueline and Teresa pull Steve aside so Jacqueline can tell him he is gross. But Steve has his own (equally gross) version of the story: Danielle sent him videos of herself doing things that would make the Baby Jesus cry. All he wanted to do was make a little money off of it. Teresa and Jacqueline make poopy diaper face and send Steve back to the man cave. No one wanted to know any of that. Yeesh.