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While enjoying a replacement gravestone for the Mayor, Mrs. Matheson is once again taken into police custody. While Olivia spends the day trying to find somebody to post bail, Remy works on Zack Springer from the other end, interrupting his classic movie-watching (another Lugosi/Karloff this week, The Body Snatcher, about an unwilling graverobber apprentice, not unlike Zack himself) to offer a retraction supporting his father in exchange for information about the knife and, hopefully, exoneration for Mrs. M. Instead, she just gets fired from the newspaper since she can't tell her Dad what's going on or why she did it, because he will think she is crazy, and that is something he already thinks.
Caleb's first day of school is kind of tough, but a weirdly antagonistic Ben Price (honestly, he only seems to like Luke out of everyone in the entire world) sends him and his invisible ghost-pal Miranda off to explore a mysterious locked chapel on the Collins grounds. Caleb nearly dies tracking down the key, while Miranda eavesdrops on a sweet conversation between Collins and Mrs. Matheson that changes her mind about him... Or at least enough that she comes asking him to help them with the bail situation.
Not the first, nor even the worst, of Olivia's many awkward moments. She really goes through it this week. First, Dillon finally appears -- looking even better than when he left; '90s hair game fully on point -- and explains that he was jerked out of town by his super-religious parents for "purification" in the woods after they found condoms in his room. So that explains that! But given Springer's vague revelations, it's a tricky thing to parse out what Dillon's lying about and what he is truthin' about.
The answer, Dillon finally admits to Luke in a charged locker room brawl -- right before demonic forces lunge in to protect him; unfortunately right after Luke takes a turn for the squicky and paternalistic about his sister's virginity -- is that he is lyin' about everything. He is in league with Max and the mysterious He because he is, himself, Marked: It's just that he traded his life for that of Olivia, which means he loves her enough that she's a price to pay, but doesn't love her enough to, you know, not get her killed.
This jibes with Caleb's discovery -- haunted, all episode, by a mysterious woman who has spiders coming out of her fucking face -- of a list in the Chapel of the six Township elders who signed the original Pact: Rivers, Scudder, Sanders, Dalton, Watterman and Baker. We know Thomas Rivers signed it, and Esther Collins bounced, but why is nobody else's name on it?
Dillon's a Sanders, so that's one. But my question is, why would anybody out of those six families ever be Marked? That's a pretty dumb deal to make. I heard you don't want your kids to die so sign this Pact so your kids will die so your kids won't die. There is clearly more to it. In any case, Dillon sold out Olivia well before Caleb came to down, and everything since then -- including, presumably, the Miranda Trap and all that entailed -- has been in service to that deal he made. But with whom?
Luke jumps to the conclusion that it was Collins, which I thought was dumb until Remy, fresh off her dad fight, stumbles onto Collins screaming at Dillon in his car before they spot her and drive away. So that's interesting. Olivia and Miranda are closer to him being okay, while Luke and Remy are further than ever. And somewhere in another dimension entirely, the truth about Raymond Collins.
Excellent performances all round, with a special MVP this week for Mrs. Rochelle Matheson, who does "drunk n' labile" better than almost anybody, and Ray Collins, who transitions into a normal person way easier than you'd think. While it's kind of odd that both male leads got caught in scary ghost fogs this week, and some of the line readings were really off across the board, it's worth it to see how much the principals -- all of them, really, and including Dillon and the grownups -- brought to the table this week. I started listing them and then I realized all six of them did a particularly killer job:
Luke's exquisite irony is his best quality, and always welcome; Dillon's appealing even when he's going batshit; Olivia and Remy can say more without talking than most people on TV; and Luke and Miranda have their screwball chemistry down. (Even when the actual scene is a stretch, they never lose sight of what they are doing -- which seems impossible, considering the sheer ton of weird crap happening at all times.) Anyway, a particularly fun watch, and it really drove home how cohesive this little ensemble has become. I would not have believed you, that eight weeks hence I'd be watching jars of fluids smash around and spiders crawling out of people's faces and be left thinking, "You know, these are some pretty good actors they got on this show."
SEASON FINALE
Hanna finds out about Spiderface the hard way when she comes back to Ravenswood for a Miranda showdown she is never going to get. The truth about the Mayor's death is finally revealed. Dillon apparently tries to double down in some way by kidnapping Remy? And Olivia decides, hopefully, to trade his cute ass right back into the Pact. Unlike the PLL teaser, this one contained no dubstep, which I take to mean nobody starts abusing speed for the purposes of decoding things, but you never know. Mostly I just want Dillon to come back from this, and also for Collins to not be bad. And also a shit-ton of The Grunwald, but that goes without saying.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
The knife that was used to seal the Pact and also kill the Mayor was found in the Matheson's yard, resulting in a cycle of arrests that is ongoing as the cops try to decide whether or not Mrs. Matheson killed her husband. Olivia's interest in this issue, flagging since she became the constant victim of attempted magical murders, has been piqued anew by Zack Springer's mysterious warnings about her boyfriend Dillon right before Tess drove a car straight into his honey-roasted. Dillon sealed the deal with Olivia and immediately disappeared, along with his demonic henchgirl Max. Nothing is really going on with anybody else, now that Remy and Miranda closed the book on her nightmare preacher for the moment.
BLACK WIDOW
Mrs. Matheson, free momentarily from getting constantly arrested is jovial -- not to say "drunkenly labile" -- as she introduces the Twins to their dad's new gravestone.
Rochelle: "It's a special kind of tombstone that resists graffiti. Collins gave it to us, because he's seriously all about our family."
Olivia: "Where's the one that cracked in half?"
Rochelle: "I don't know. But I am drunk as hell this morning, so let's say Collins made it into a sled. We could ride it down this coming winter's snow-capped hills, just like this one time your dad and I fucked."
Olivia: "I feel very close to you right now. One might almost say, too much so."
Luke: "You guys are making me have allergies."
While a watchful red-haired mourner drops off some flowers and then blatantly stares at them as Rochelle's cops descend for her arrest of the day. The Twins shit bricks about it, like they do every morning, and just when you think the red-haired lady might have a stake in what's going on, might speak up for the widow or offer her children some weak comfort, a spider crawls out of her fucking face. And because it's Raven5wood we're watching, my honest-to-God first thought was, "It would be kind of interesting to see that lady again sometime, but that is not the show you're watching. Sometimes a spider crawls out of a lady's face, don't trip on that fact. Keep it moving. Act normal, bitch."
EXT COURTHOUSE
Olivia: "Well, I told those cops to question Springer. Surely the actual evidence of him getting coerced into planting evidence would be of use to them, in a purely rational and non-magical way."
Luke: "I guess so, but I'm going to push back anyway. Now if you'd like change the subject at your discretion to literally anything else that's on your mind, go for it."
Olivia: "Okay. Where the fuck is my boyfriend?"
Luke: "You know what that makes me think of, in another bizarre right-turn segue out of nothing, is this time a homeless man told me we would wish we were dead."
Olivia: "Circle that back around to anything we are talking about, if you would."
Luke: "First Mom, then Dillon? Clearly this is what he was talking about. People not answering our phone calls is pretty much like us being murdered by forces unseen."
Olivia: "I want to disagree, but I see your point."
Collins: "My children. In an impersonal way, I mean. Not like you're actually my children, ha-ha, that would be preposterous."
Twins: "Why are you always places?"
Collins: "That's how time and space work. In this case, to check on Rochelle and take you home."
Twins: "We'll walk home, thank you very much! In the cold!"
Collins: "Welp. I tried. Keep it sleazy, you ungrateful assholes."
Twins: "Of all the people that didn't kill our dad, you are not on that list!"
Collins: (Is a sad dracula.)
Cops: "Actually can you come back in here again?"
Collins: "Anything to get away from these horrible creeps."
The Twins figure, probably Uncle Collins is the worldly liaison to Preacherman Gabriel, due to his jars of hair and their daddy issues (mostly the latter one), but since that's been the obvious takeaway for two months of this show, it's either slightly correct or very wrong. It also has nothing to do with their father's death, but you can see how they would get there. Balling everything sucky up and pinning it on their mom's boyfriend. Say what you will about Remy's methods, but at least she keeps it separated with stuff like that.
HENRY ARMITAGE H.S.
To the tune of the '90s, Caleb finds Miranda chilling on a bench outside his first class.
Miranda: "I came to keep you company at school!"
Caleb: "Miranda I am already the new guy and a werewolf. I can't also be a ghost whisperer. Somebody will notice me talking to you."
Some Bitches: Immediately do.
Miranda: "Have you noticed that nobody else of our Five is at school today?"
Caleb: "No, because I can't open my locker and it's freaking me out."
Bitches: Are awful to Caleb.
Miranda: Murders them. Just kidding, she poltergeists their lockers on them.
Ben Price appears in a rather casual look, and is mean to Caleb. You may have noticed that Ben Price is always mean, except to Luke. Perhaps he sees something of himself in Luke: The faded glory of a life stolen by hay fever.
COURTHOUSE
Olivia: "Who decides the bail?"
Rochelle: "...Seriously? Are you new to Earth? Who do you think?"
Luke: "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
Rochelle: "Luke, go outside under some thin pretext."
He does. The mood lightens, which is impressive considering a mom is in jail.
Rochelle: "Olivia, you gotta make sure your brother doesn't act up. When he gets angry he tussles, and then cries. That doesn't help our case."
Olivia: "I will tell him to act normal. Act normal, bitch!"
Rochelle: "I don't even get his beef today. He thinks I killed your dad, right?"
Olivia: "No, he gets that it was our school chum, because Dad was prying into a series of cult-related deaths going back to a mysterious Pact two hundred years ago. Or I mean, who knows? Luke's over thinking you did it, though."
Outside, Remy is wearing a bold monochrome button-down under a black sweater with double green stripes. Horizontal-striped sweaters are her big statement this week. Perhaps it's a nod to the static on her detuned television she calls a mind.
Hugs: As per usual
Remy: "So, here's my theory on how this is all about me. I think we're being punished..."
Luke: "Because we spied on Dreamland and you challenged Abaddon? Don't be silly. I certainly haven't been espousing that same theory behind your back."
Remy: "One thing I'm really invested in is your sister's relationship. Where's Dillon?"
Luke: "You should go talk to Zack Springer about that, I guess. It's obviously where you're headed with this."
Remy: "Well, he's demonstrated himself to be so pleasant and rational up to this point. I will make promises I completely can't keep, like him being safe from forces unseen."
PRICE
Price: "Give me your phone and get off your phone because don't be on your phone."
Caleb: "I know and I hate to be a bother, or sound like a rapper, but literally all my friends are either dead or in jail."
Price: "Wait, are we talking about Luke? Are you friends with Luke? Oh my God, does he talk about me?"
Caleb: "Ironically, he seems to hate everybody including you, except me."
Price: "It's like I have no teeth and you have no hair but we bought each other hair and teeth things. Oh, life. It's bigger than you, and you are not me."
Price: "Why do you live with Collins? Are you a werewolf and a dracula?"
Caleb: "No. He just needed a replacement hot boy I guess. I don't really read too much into our arrangement."
Price: "And where exactly was their mother arrested, for literally no reason I would ask?"
Caleb: "The graveyard where I live, obviously. Just like every morning of every day."
Price: "That graveyard is like my Moby Dick. Did you know that there's a locked chapel there? God, I hate that."
They talk about the Chapel for, I would say, about a year. Price never stops being a dick either, it's kind of amazing how he manages that much exposition around that lemon-sucking mean guy face he's making simultaneously.
MATHESON
How many people want to help Olivia pay her mother's bail: 0.
How many people Olivia has called this morning re: bail: 100.
How sad that is for her: Infinity.
What she needs now: Some Dillon Sanders obviously.
Preferably rocking even more '90s hair than when he left town. Soon we will approach Peak Dawson Leery and I will retire to Scotland just to think about Dillon Sanders and his hair. The heart wants what it wants, and my heart made that call January 20, 1998, and it has never looked back.
Dillon: "I am here and my hair is here, even dreamier than ever before."
Olivia: "I have questions. Got some Q's. Like for example, what the fuck? And additionally, where the fuck?"
Dillon: "You know I'm the son of a preacherman, just like Jacob predicted? Well. My crazy fucking parents found condoms in my bedroom, and sent me into the woods for purification rituals about which I may not speak. 72 hours, and now I'm back. Ready to get dirty again."
Olivia: "Good answer. Listen, how come you forced Zack to bury a murder weapon in my yard? Just out of curiosity."
Dillon: "Zack Springer is a liar! And his phone that recorded our conversation is also a liar!"
Olivia: "Okay, that's settled. Let's talk about our relationship more."
Luke, and the hashtags of ABC Family that love us each so much, both throw up a major #DontTrustDillon the second he walks in on their makeout. Olivia tosses him back a #yolo and gets right back into it though, because she's awesome.
HOSPITAL
Zack is watching another old movie, The Body Snatcher, (1945), another Karloff/Lugosi pic. This one is about a man who is forced into resurrectionism and illegal medical practices because of a family that can't let their dead kid go. Other stuff that probably connects up to the show too -- dark secrets being exposed, bodies appearing, impersonations, vendettas, "Telltale Heart"-type talking of dead bodies, cars going off bridges, alcoholism -- but I haven't seen it so I don't know how deep the connection goes or if there's another point to this appearance. The conversation itself comes from early on, though: The young innocent guy throwing a fit as he realizes what his mentor is up to, swearing he won't be involved in such a dirty business as stealing kids, dead or otherwise. So maybe Zack's just weirded out by how hard he identifies with the character.
Springer: "Like the Mathesons' mom, I have a deep distrust for the fourth estate. Although it's inexplicable, considering my ignorance of my father's incarceration until recently is a huge plotpoint of this show, and suggests the Gazette never reported on that story."
Remy: "Well, it did, as we'll see, so I'm rolling with this status quo. But listen, I'm not here as a cub reporter slash social media liaison. I'm here as a Marked Fiver. You see, just like the town ruined them -- including you, viciously, if you'll recall -- for no reason and made us all think she's the Black Widow, so too did your life get ruined by news."
Springer: "Maybe my narrative up to this point was unreliable, but I'm saying now to go away."
Remy: "Just tell me what the deal is with Dillon and the knife and all that stuff and then... uh, that would be a nice thing to do."
The line readings in this episode are all over the place, so it took me a second to understand what happens : Zack turns the movie up, and then Remy mutes the TV, and then compares this to Dillon's possible prior restraint w/r/t cult activities.
Remy: "Dillon's back and suddenly you are on mute? Like this television?"
Springer: "Back? Where's he 'back' from? What makes you think he left? Have you ever even seen an episode of PLL? Nobody ever actually goes out of town."
Remy: "Did he visit you? Did he give you more things to bury?"
Springer: "We're done here."
Remy: "I can use my newspaper to clear your father's name! Quid pro quo."
CARRIAGE HOUSE
Miranda: "So Luke thinks this is connected to the Pact, I guess. Maybe getting Abaddon out of Remy's life and mind-brain just opened the Twins up to him more?"
Caleb: "Or maybe this is about the fact that Springer's supposedly dead father was put in jail by their dad? Not everything has to do with the Pact."
Miranda: "True, but everything has to do with Dillon, though."
Caleb: "You got me there. Can we possibly pin this on Collins? We enjoy that."
Miranda: "Let's abruptly start talking about the Chapel now."
Caleb and Miranda, as well as the hashtags, have a nice long talk about #WhatIsInTheChapel.
Miranda: "Stop drinking papaya juice in front of me! Ghosts miss so much, such as sex and papaya juice."
Caleb: "Our whizbang slapstick screwball chemistry is pretty fucking grim when it's this forced."
Miranda: "Wait until the shit with the spider."
Caleb: "So it's resolved. You will ghost-help me with the mundane lock on the Chapel door, unleashing yet more unseen forces of doom, like we do every week."
Miranda: "No, for plot structure reasons I can't do that. But I will babysit Collins while you search his house for the key to the lock. My powers of invisibility and teleportation pretty much make me ideal for that."
Caleb: "We are such good friends!"
Miranda: "Usually. Today it's just kind of grating for some reason."
MATHESON
Luke: "I can't stand around all day while you humiliate yourself in front of everyone in our family one by one. I just can't take it! Think of me for once."
Olivia: "If it helps, I told Mom you don't think she killed our dad. Just in case you wanted to know about a resentment she had about you for a while that you didn't even know of."
Luke: "Speaking of conversations we should probably have for ourselves, did you find out why Dillon had that knife? Seems like something we'd want to know."
Olivia, hissing: "Dillon is not involved in this, despite literally all evidence to the contrary."
Luke: "Oh my God, you boned. You lost your virginity before me?"
Olivia: "Maybe it's my alluring way of not constantly crying like a little bitch."
Luke: "I don't know how I feel about this."
Olivia: "I assure you that you are not called upon to feel any way about this. The appropriate feeling you should be having in response to this is, the feeling of minding your biz."
Luke: "Okay, but he vanished for three days? And maybe killed our dad? So let's not jump immediately to the Man of the House shittiness, or the even creepier incest competition part, and just straight to plot."
Olivia: "His parents are awful and scary religious, so he had to go do activities to which I was not privy, but probably were deeply weird."
Luke: "Okay. Time to go start some fucking fights and then cry about it."
Olivia: "I'm supposed to keep you from doing anything stupid!"
Luke: "Don't worry, I'm not gonna let him fuck me."
Olivia: "Uh, the fuck did you just say to me?"
But he's gone. The sheer amount of highjinks Luke gets up to this week, it's amazing. Also, take a seat bro. I realize your sister getting laid is weird for you, but as human beings with a social contract, I think you'll find we've spent literally thousands of years coming up with a solution for that kind of weirdness, which is: STFU and worry about ya own.
STATION VISITATION
Miranda watches Collins deal with Rochelle at the PD and it's sweet, on its own terms -- he so acts like a person! -- but also sweet because Miranda immediately demonstrates flexibility when she sees how they are. Like, it seems very Miranda to be compassionate about this (she's not gaining anything by it, either; this is simply graceful on its own), and so immediately, but there's something too to this idea of having to finally find a place where Raymond Collins is actually being himself, because he's such a performance the rest of the time.
Or, the opposite of everything I just said, which still speaks highly of Miranda just the same.
Collins: "I could fix this tonight if you'd let me."
Rochelle: "Girl, you are not mortgaging your business, it's all you have!"
Collins: "Exactly. No kids, no responsibilities, just me and dead people. You need help."
Rochelle: "They're barely kids, with all this shit constantly going on all the time."
Collins: "We grew up pretty fast too. The day you left for college I just about died."
I think this is the thing to which Miranda responds the most; Rochelle certainly loves the hell out of it: "You were the only classmate I was hoping would stay in town. You actually talked to me. Didn't think I smelled like chemicals. Or make jokes about my clothes being covered with dead-people dust. Having you there made high school bearable... Almost."
Miranda's reminded of her rarely mentioned life as a hobo with no friends, and immediately cools it with the constant rage against her uncle. Now it is more of a seething distrust. So lovely.
Rochelle: "Do you regret being forced to take over your demonic family business?"
Collins: "No way! Although I have no friends except my ancient nanny, I do get to give the dead something back."
Rochelle: "Their hair in a jar?"
Collins: "Better. Dignity. Also makeovers."
He grabs her hand and begs for her to let him help with the bail, and Miranda like radically rethinks her shit.
CALEB
Caleb makes his way through his place of employment like he is about to steal something, which is what is happening. Sometimes Caleb can play it cool, but not today. He sneaks around the table where a dead body is -- which is actually where dead bodies go, so I guess it's just a bit of local color -- and then into the main office, where he has a ball going through all of Collins's shit. Thank God Mayor Matheson got shanked, I guess. Although considering how much business has been about getting into Collins's personal shit, over the last several weeks, this seems like an opportunity squandered. Instead of just single-mindedly going for this key, how about you clock everything you're going through? Take some instagrams of these drawers and things? Put 'em on Pinterest. So then when it's like, "We can only do this ritual with a crazy necklace shaped like a skull or whatever," which you know it is always going to be, he can flip through that shit and be like, "BRB, I got this."
But now. Instead, just this key. Is it in this drawer? No? How about the one? How about the twenty? Above this portrait where the eyes follow you? What about secret areas? Is there a safe? How about on that shelf by the window that is full of jars of eyes of newt and ear of chicken, maybe one of those vases? Got it. That's where I always put my antique skeleton keys to locked chapels on the grounds of my own home, so I don't know why that wasn't the first thing I thought of.
Remember how there is an entire lost city of Indiana Jones bones under this house? Torches lit, secret doors opening and closing, strange gusts of wind, couch-sized sculptures of ladies getting raped by animals? Yeah, I didn't think so. Probably for the best.
He runs out back into the dead-people area, and the dead body is gone! And then everything goes impressively to shit, for a while. A face appears on things, there is an earthquake, bottles attacking from every which way full of noxious dead-people chemicals, a strange resulting fog, and a face appearing all over the place. Is it a lady with a face that has spiders coming out of it? I sure hope not. But if it is, I hope I would have the presence of mind, in that moment, to suggest the bitch try and act normal.
BEAUMONT
Luke: "What are you doing right now?"
Remy: "Just reading about Springer's dad in the town newspaper, even though there was a huge cover-up about it last week to where even Springer didn't know about it. You?"
Luke: "I can't find Luke anywhere! I'm having to act normal!"
Remy: "Leave that kid and his hair alone. Let me work the Springer angle, okay? If you beat up the person he's afraid of and then start crying, it's going to mess up my play."
Luke: "But he had sex with my sister? And I'm weirdly jealous about it, but I can't parse out why or about whom."
Remy: "Is this about how I won't fuck you? Because I thought it was about a centuries-old Curse that threatens all of our lives."
Luke: "Can't it be both?"
Remy: "Listen, honey. It's gonna happen. I just want to graduate high school first."
Luke: "That is two things that have nothing to do with each other."
Remy: "Not really up for debate, my little bloodhound. And time you wanna talk about your sister's sex life, maybe leave out the jazz hands."
Actually it's super sweet because they're both so nervous talking about this huge thing, so they have to keep checking in with each other, like, Is it okay that I'm okay with you being okay with this or is there a deeper level where one of us is not okay and only saying we're okay. Lovely moment.
CEMETERY GATE
Olivia gets scared by them slamming shut behind her, for some reason, and then Miranda pops in.
Miranda: "I don't think your dad can help you with this one. Get it? Because he was murdered and you're at his graveyard?"
Olivia: "That's exactly the kind of shit, Miranda. We've discussed your manners before."
Miranda: "Anyway, Caleb's still recovering from being attacked by fluids earlier."
Olivia: "That Collins! Now fluids? Fluids, now?"
Miranda: "I have radically reassessed my judgment of him. Speaking of things about which my opinion carries no real weight, here's my deal about your mom."
Olivia: "Only because you are dead is this behavior acceptable."
Miranda: "Sometime in life we bust our metaphorical hair-jars, and come face-to-face with the mother we never knew. And then it turns out to be a mean trick, played by a demonic child version of Alison DiLaurentis and a regulation hottie with '90s hair. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Olivia: "Nope."
Miranda: "My point is, sometimes you gotta let a dracula mortgage his business. It's worth it, so your mom can get drunk at home. I wish I had a drunk mom as awesome as yours, but I don't. Only lies and demons in a falling-down murder house."
BEAUMONT
Simon: "Men can't cook. Therefore we are starving. Just like in our recent heteronormative past, when your mom was at war for years and years. Back when we starved to death because men are to kitchens as fish are to bicycles."
Remy: "It's okay. Mom will be home soon. Then we can eat food. Hey, speaking of miscarriages of justice regarding people in jail, have you ever done that in a newspaper?"
Simon: "I remember this one time a guy was put away for some crime, and he didn't really do it, and then his son was raised thinking he was dead, and then later on he got run over by Tess. That's the only time, though."
Remy: "So what you're saying is, I should definitely print something disreputable in the newspaper without telling you, for a favor? I mean for justice?"
THE LAB
Olivia: "Daddy Collins, can we talk? It is about your mortgage."
Collins: "Hey, Olivia. Oh, is Luke here? I must look a mess! Oh God."
Olivia: "What is with the old people in this town always wanting Luke. No. And by the way, he didn't trash your lab. There is literally no reason for you to think that."
Collins: "Well, I'll settle for you. What's up?"
Olivia: "Get my mom out of jail with money you don't have, please."
It's a nice moment, I guess. So of course the dead body gives a solid twitch on the table, because it's Ravenswood. What discussion of small business finances doesn't deserve some twitching dead bodies involved in it? Maybe that's why these things are never remarked on or brought up again, after they happen: It's just a local custom. Get your hair did, watch the legions of the damned burning in eternal fire while you wait. Tie your shoes, wait for the lights in your house to stop flickering on and off and the earthquake to settle down. Buy an ice cream cone, see a little girl get run over by a Model T.
HOSPITAL
Springer: "Nice striped sweater and cute boots also. Did your dad write this?"
Remy: "Oh, hell no. Doesn't matter, though. Now your dad's name is clean!"
Springer: "And but he's still in jail, though. So..."
Remy: "Oh right. I got carried away. Maybe we can approach this legally."
Springer: "Whatever. Just print this and I'll be happy enough to explain Dillon."
ARMITAGE HIGH
Price: "OMG Luke. I have been looking for you for eight episodes."
Luke: "But like why."
Price: "Do you need some friendly, avuncular advice?"
Luke: "I don't. You think I'm a bully victim or something, I get it. But see, this is just my face. I'm not sad, I just look like it. Okay? Or do I need to punch you and cry?"
Luke: "I just love you SO MUCH. For some reason."
Kiddo, you seem to be the only person he likes on this planet. Be nicer. It would really help out Caleb at the very least.
THE CHAPEL
A stomach-turningly awkward moment in which Miranda notes a spider on Caleb's sweater, which we're not even going to talk about because it was so odd and lame. Then, they head into the Chapel, which is full-on amazing. It's like where you would be buried if you were a knight in olden times, all tiny and with a full altar and beautiful stained glass shining down and all. I could never be happy in the carriage house, knowing this wonderful place was an option.
Miranda: "This reminds me of one of my foster families. They went to church, it smelled like nutmeg. Are you listening at all?"
Caleb: "Not really. You're dead so I can see how you don't really get the urgency here, but we're totally here for a reason."
Miranda: "Oh, are we? Pray tell, what would that be?"
Caleb: "Ben Price told me it exists? Therefore the clue is in here? What else do you need to know? Have you never seen this show before?"
Miranda: "Fine, I'll stow my boring story..."
Caleb: "Boom, got it. See how the hilariously fake light shines through the stained glass onto that one flagstone in front of the altar? Like The Hobbit or whatever."
There are six names, corresponding to the six elders of Ravenswood Township that signed the original Pact, that light up the second he figures this out: Scudder, Sanders, Rivers, Dalton, Watterman, and Baker.
Miranda wants to know why there are six names, if only five kids get Marked. My question is, what makes you think those two numbers have anything to do with each other?
It makes no sense at all, that the elders would have an inkling that their kids would be the ones. I can understand a random like Caleb Rivers 1.0 getting through, just to illustrate the bullshittiness of the Pact in the first place, but they for sure were not signing up their kids to die. Right? Except as the episode proceeds, that seems more like what was happening.
"Yo Ravenswood, I heard you don't want your kids to die so sign this Pact so your kids will die so your kids won't die."
Collins and Matheson are not names on there. Or Beaumont. We are dealing with, I think, the Conspiracy that does the Preacher's will on Earth. Right? Such as Dillon Sanders. The other one of the Six families that isn't Caleb. Anyway, we'll see. I'm intrigued by the Pact either way, and I like the show so much I'm not gonna complain. The light fades, but it's not scary for once. (So far). Just peaceful.
BEAUMONT
Remy comes home to a dark house, one very scary Simon Beaumont sitting in the dark to make a truly epic show of how disappointed and mad he is about what she did. He throws papers, he yells about everything without really saying anything, it goes on and on.
Remy: "WTF? Last night, you basically agreed with me. All I did was..."
Simon: "Cram words in my mouth and screw up the family business?"
Remy: "Not to make this all about Luke, but his mother is in jail. His mommy!"
Then a very excellent thing, that I'm not qualified to speak on, happens. Simon reminds Remy that her grandfather climbed through hell to get that newspaper, and that it represents their family having a voice in the town. Their black family, he obviously means, and it's clearly a huge part of their family narrative by the way her back goes straight and her face goes dead and she realizes the position she's put herself in.
While Remy's -- measured, even, mature -- response is true, that there's no point having a "voice" if you don't use it, that doesn't really affect the truth of what he's saying: History is always very close behind you. The future is always better than the past, but that doesn't erase it. "Twice as good to get half as much" is a thing that is still very real, and she forgot that.
So Dad wins, but that doesn't change anything, because she can't explain that embarrassing him -- or more, depending on how tied up Simon and Mr. Springer's story are with the Conspiracy that killed the Mayor; if it's dangerous for Simon, well, his anger makes total sense either way anyway -- was not about helping her little boyfriend or anything he thinks it was about. On the other hand, he's no longer worried that she is crazy, so I think she should play that card before he walks out...
Nope. He leaves, she feels the very real pressure of being who she is, and when and where, and just starts crying. Incredibly effective, that scene. Remy rules so much.
CARRIAGE HOUSE
Olivia: "So we're saying that Dillon's Marked, even though that doesn't make sense, because he wasn't in the car and there are six names and his is the only other one."
Miranda: "That's what we're saying. I say roll with it."
Caleb: "And while we're on the subject of Dillon, can I ask why he's after your mom?"
Because in the nightmares of every child is a conspiracy of adults that are not showing you their true faces. Once a week, every parent in every house in your town waits until you're asleep, and they pull down the shades, and they file out into the yard and down the street, down to the end of it. They light a candle, and talk about things you will never hear or know. But they'd strike you dead with fear, if you could.
LOCKER ROOM
Dillon: "Just being amazing in the locker room, with my hair and my letter jacket. You?"
Luke: "I am getting ahead of myself by crying before I throw a punch."
Dillon: "I'm so sorry your family is going through this tough time and that every adult man in this town wants to offer you comfort and support, but you're kind of being aggressive..."
Luke: "Theory. You are the problem. Give me your phone! I want to see how often you are talking to Collins and/or the Devil."
Dillon: "Alternate proposal. I am chill about everything, because I have demons on my side. Check this out."
The showers all turn on and start filling up the room with steam, and Luke loses what paltry composure he barely ever has, and Dillon is being like Dillon but moreso, acting against the natural inclination of this locker-room scene full of steam to go where it will by putting on more and more clothes until you can barely identify him through all the clothes he is layering onto his body. Surely his most dastardly move yet.
Q: "Why did Springer say you made him plant that knife?"
A: "Eat me."
Q: "Why are the showers alive like Nightmare On Elm Street? The gay one?"
A: "You can kick the crap out of me, Luke. And it might make you feel better for a minute. But it won't change anything for you."
Q: "Why whatever could you mean."
A: "You can't hurt me. I'm not in this alone."
Dillon raises his eyes to the sky, or left of the sky where demon ghosts are known to live, and just calls it "Backup." I presume this is Max. I don't know why The Mysterious Him would give Dillon multiple demon ghosts when Max is so fucking rad by herself. But this is where and why, to the extent that we're getting any answers at all:
A: "I found a way out! And you can too, before it's too late."
Q: "Found a way out of what?"
A: "...Really?"
Q: "Right, right."
A: "I made a deal when I could, and I'm out of the Pact. Easy-peasy. Just pick somebody he wants. Like your sister, for me."
Q: "Table that. Who are we talking about? Gabriel Abaddon? Uncle Dracula? Who?"
A: "Girl, bye."
In his stead there is an attack of a ghost fist and then a ghost-choking, which are fun because Luke is hilarious but also less fun, insofar as I thought there was gonna be a fight. Places to be, virgins to sell to Hell and then bone. You know how it is.
CHAPEL
Spiderface shows up at the Chapel with Caleb and stares at him for a million years, and then the flagstone of the names starts glowing red all around it, and there are a bunch of spiders. Spider Lady, you just go on back where you came from. If we wanna talk to a ghost, we'll hit up Warm Beatrice. Feel me?
MATHESON
Olivia's not getting Dillon on the phone, but she can't remember what else she does in her life besides call Dillon's phone, so she's at a loss until a ghost starts bashing around the joint like it's trying to cook everything inside everything else... Wait, no. Just drunk mom, cooking like women are supposed to in the kitchen.
Olivia: "Why are you here?"
Mom: "Why are you here? Just kidding, Collins just dropped me off."
Olivia: "Is it okay that I got him to rescue you?"
Mom: "By the end of this glass of wine it sure as shit will be. Where's Luke?"
Olivia: "My name is Olivia. Why is everybody constantly calling me Where's Luke?"
Mom: "Like every adult in this town, I am freakishly into knowing where your brother is."
Olivia: "Well, I don't know. I told him to act normal like you said, but you know that bitch. He won't act normal."
Even though Rochelle hasn't even showered jail off her yet -- total baller Ashley Marin move, by the way, going for the wine on your way to do that -- she is still like completely panicked by Luke being momentarily unavailable. She always does this. Everybody always does this. I don't get it. Who cares where Luke is?
Riding his bike, crying, either toward or away from Remy's house. I solemnly guarantee you that 99 out of a 100 it's gonna be one of those two.
REMY
Remy is feeling hobo feelings and walking around at night with a backpack. A newspaper attacks a fence and she goes to see it. Then the fifties kid with bleeding eyes, and then the paper is gone. Sleepwalking? Or just another night out in Raven5wood when you've just been held responsible for all of American history and found wanting?
MATHESON
Luke shows up, covered in ghost-bruises, his pores looking refreshed and detoxified from all that steam.
Luke: "Has he been here? Have you seen him?"
Olivia: "You look like hell but I'm still gonna need a proper noun in there. Are you tussling with Dillon now? Jesus, what is your deal? Sorry I had sex, man. I don't know what to tell ya."
Luke: "Why is the wine out?"
Olivia: "Collins sprung her. Because I told him to."
Luke: "Making deals with the devil, now? Maybe Dillon can help too."
Olivia: "What is it with you and him? He is to you as you are to our authority figures."
He realizes he's still acting nuts, and calms down enough to remember that he is the bearer of very sad, very bad news. Let's start slow and build up to it, okay?
Luke: "Um, Dillon was supposed to be in that car. Wish he was the one that got away."
Olivia: "Did Caleb tell you this? He's the main person I get my info from. Dillon probably doesn't even know he's Marked, or about the Spiderlady list of elder families, or..."
Luke: "Girl, listen to what I'm saying. He sold you out."
Olivia: "Uh, Dillon loves me. That is not boyfriend behavior."
Luke: "I'm guessing that's what sealed the deal. He cares about you, so your value goes up. The cost."
I love it when shows -- and these two shows do it all the time -- just go ahead and tell you what is going on by having people who cannot possibly know what is going on tell you exactly what's going on. This show is so great about that. You get so used to ignoring how wrong they are about everything that you have to listen hard for the show saying Fine, here's the deal.
Anyway, Mom interrupts her bathtime to scream about where is Luke, so he goes up there to show his location. But meanwhile, Remy is still stalking the streets feeling screwed when she sees something through the back window of a car. Is it a lover's spat? It certainly seems like it, until you focus on the hair and you realize that it's Uncle Collins -- whom we just got okay with -- taking a piece out of Dillon. Just reading him the riot act. And then Collins spots her staring, and zooms off into the night.
What's he so mad about? Why is he always having secrets with teen boys? First he drove Springer to drink, and now he's yelling at Dillon? There's a curfew, you guys. Come on. Although how funny if actually he's being like, "You what? Dillon, you can't just sleep with a girl after you sell her soul to the Devil! That is not boyfriend behavior! Act normal, bitch!"
IN THE FINALE
Hanna bathes with spiders and learns some of the shitshow details of Ravenswood, when she shows up demanding a fight with Miranda that you and I both know will literally never happen. The Mayor's death is actually solved, which is exciting. Dillon seems to think that he can double down by kidnapping Remy? But much cooler is how Olivia seems determined to trade his ass right back into the Pact, which honestly just seems like a solid move after everything he's put her through. The guy's all "Nooooo!" and you're just like, "Your body makes a promise, dude."
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, True Detective, The Blacklist, Ravenswood, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook.