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Hanna Marin shows up in Ravenswood looking to beat up Miranda, but when Caleb tells her Miranda's dead and also likes to hang around messing with his emails, she Hannas right up and tries to split town. (At no point does anybody suggest that Miranda do some ghost tricks or throw shit around, despite that being the majority of what she does each week.) What follows is a complicated shell game, as Caleb tries to deal with all the drama of the rest of the finale while also keeping Hanna from being kidnapped by Max, figuring out what's really going on, or being strangled by Spider Face like he was in that bathtub that time. But somewhere in there, she gets -- this was neat -- a sit-down with Miranda's spirit, whom she can't hear giving her peace, and it gives her peace anyway. I liked that a lot.
Caleb also has another run-in with Uncle Collins, and we learn that while the Collins line is tasked with keeping the Marked souls in escrow for whatever future purpose, he didn't know that Dillon was making side deals or that he'd murdered the Mayor. Which I guess means he didn't know Springer was working for Team Max either. Collins and Miranda finally have a bit of a reconciliation, which again Collins only intuits, when she hears how hard it was for him to try and scare her off in the first place. Also very nice.
Remy figures out that the bloody-eyes guy is the helper spirit that Abaddon referred to in her dream-showdown, as it was him who led her to spot Dillon and Collins discussing whatever they were discussing. The Twins decide to hold a séance for Ryan in their dead father's Mayoral office, which -- after seemingly an entire day of waiting -- does reveal the circumstances of his death. Sadly, it was Dillon who stabbed him, while looking fantastic as usual, which sends Olivia off on a truncated quest for revenge!
The Twins go to the cops with their evidence, and Remy heads home to get the fourth estate involved, but somehow Dillon knows what's up, and kidnaps her. All the Five end up back at that mysterious Chapel, where Dillon locks them in and the Preacher decides to bring Miranda back to life. And he is also Spider Face Lady, who is maybe Max or maybe not. But then Collins shows up and stops him from bringing her back, because he's only doing it so he can kill all the Five at once, which is how the Pact works.
As Max is leading Dillon to his doom on some railroad tracks, Collins defeats Abaddon by releasing the hair-jar of Caleb Rivers 1.0, which -- as Thomas and Esther suspected -- is a major component of reversing the Curse. Or at least a major component of things getting weird, as we end on Miranda moping away from Hanna and Caleb 2.0's forever love... Right into Caleb 1.0's arms. A person she has never met, even if she is the reincarnation of his child bride; she is also a person he has never met, who is already in love with his descendent. All of which is very effed, but in a fun/sick Bad Wolf Bay way, so I approve.
But yeah okay, even for this show that was a very weird, or rushed, or something, episode. It was nice to see The Grunwald talk Hanna down -- and it was cool how Hanna's nail polish was the same again, in both episodes tonight -- and I liked the idea of Miranda's resurrection being the actual worst thing that can ever happen. I even like the return of Caleb 1.0 to Ravenswood, as hilarious and strange as that seems. Perhaps ending with another Remy-in-peril episode was a bit much, but that does seem to be her role, and she sells it well. I will miss Dillon Campbell real bad, but it was nice to see the Twins get some closure, and Uncle Dracula a little redemption. Maybe Dillon will come back as a jar of perfect hair, and can just lounge around making snarky comments. I think he'd enjoy that.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Things got steamy between Luke and Dillon when we found out that Dillon was originally one of the Five, and traded Olivia's life for his own, possibly (but not realistically) thanks to Uncle Dracula's meddling. We still don't know who killed Mayor Matheson, how the five kids are chosen each time, who Max or the Spider Lady or Bloody Eyes are, how Dillon got involved with these unsavory characters, or whether the Pact can be broken.
COLLINS
The Grunwald: "How is old Dillon? Well, I hope."
Collins: "Turns out I think he's on our side, which will prove damnably incorrect, but to set the tone for this episode let's act like we're allied with the Pact."
The Grunwald: "That kid's well hot, but kind of a wuss when you get down to it."
Collins: "Carla, I have faith. Specifically, in the faith that Dillon is more afraid of forces unseen and my widow's peak than he is of looking like a wuss."
The Grunwald: "His best friend is an eight-year-old girl. That ship has sailed. And if you ever call me 'Carla' again I will send you out for a switch. You don't know me like that."
CAMPBELL
Dillon is working on his neat old-school car when Max comes out of nowhere, giggling and threatening to drop the jack on his chest. Max knows how to have fun!
Dillon: "Okay, I'm going to take care of it. Through no actual action of my own, I will stand by while the Five lure themselves to the Chapel, and then I will lock the door and then I will immediately unlock the door and run away like a wuss."
Max: "As long as your hair game's on point."
Dillon: "Eek! Please don't drop this car on me, just go away."
Max: "You are hilarious. And hey, go find out who's been retcon-ed to be the one helping them see ghost stuff."
VAULT
Remy: "So I saw this kid bleeding out the eyes, it was notable. Then he led me to Collins and Dillon in a car having some kind of spat."
The Five: "Like he pointed toward the car or something?"
Remy: "No, it was really subtle. He has this way of standing around, bleeding out of his eyes."
The Five: "That explains this feeling of something is going to happen we're always having."
Remy: "I think it is he to whom Gabriel Abaddon referred. God knows Beatrice and Miranda are separately no help whatsoever..."
Olivia: "And because of the hair-jar thing it wouldn't make sense for our dead dad's dead girlfriend to be doing it either..."
Remy: "I think he like, you have to go to the place where the thing happened, and then he does the bleeding eyes thing at you, and then you see it. This would have been a nicer way to track down all this crap than going slowly insane, which by the way is what I have been doing all season, for the same result."
Hanna: "Hey bitches, where's Miranda? I gotta beat the shit out of her real quick."
The Five: "Oh she is not here right now."
Awkward. Everybody bounces because Hanna's got the crazy-eyes, and now it's going to be Caleb's problem explaining why he dumped her for a dead girl he's keeping in the FZ.
BEAUMONT
Luke: "Still looking on the internet for five more teenagers that died in Ravenswood? You should really have that shit bookmarked."
Remy: "Not even Bing could randomly tell us if one of them had eyeball bleeding. You know who's hot as hell is that Hanna Marin."
Luke: "I kind of wish she had stayed in Rosewood. It gave me the shivers."
Remy: "Yeah, well. Poor Miranda, that they are still so in love."
Luke: "What do you mean poor Miranda? Oh. I completely missed that whole major storyline, my bad."
Remy: "Boys! We give you a pass for your emotional blindness, and that way you get to remain feeling entitled to it."
Luke: "That is also why I never have to do the dishes!"
Remy: "Here's a boy that went to our high school that looks like Bloody Eyes."
Luke: "But with the one important difference of, his eyes aren't bloody."
CARRIAGE HOUSE
Hanna: "You live in a fucking graveyard? I can see how that would be better than dating me."
Caleb: "I wish you had called first."
Hanna: "I'm not here to see you. I'm here to beat up Miranda Collins. Also because my head is full of hot ice cubes and this is not helping."
Caleb: "Fine. I know how you get. You should sit down, though."
Hanna: "I burnt out the part of my brain that registers shock a long time ago, Wolfy. Just tell me what the deal is."
Caleb: "The deal is, Miranda is dead."
Hanna: "I cannot believe I drove all the way into an entirely different dimension just to beat up a girl who cannot be beaten up. What is my life right now?"
BEAUMONT
This one was the Korean War. Ryan Atwater was 17, blind, and got separated from his friends after a dance. He was very popular of a kid, given that he died with four other people but then numerous other people were also looking for him after the dance.
Historic Teen: "Wait, where's Ryan Atwater?"
Historic Teen: "I saw him go off with four other people. I am still concerned, though."
Luke: "A blind ghost?"
Remy: "That can show you the past."
What are you even talking about you guys? I mean honestly. So Daddy Beaumont comes home and Remy lays it on real strong about how glad she is that he's home, but no dice. He's still icing her out for her crude misuse of the fourth estate. Not even after she tries to take his luggage like some kind of concierge, is he buying it.
Luke: "It's kind of understandable that your dad is being like this. But it must hurt not getting to play 'Journalism' all the time."
Remy: "Maybe once I get a useless J-School degree he will chill out."
Luke: "We're all going to be dead long before college, come on. Uh, as will print media."
CARRIAGE HOUSE
Miranda does psychic things with feeling Hanna's feelings, and tries to help this conversation happen, but you can't use ESP to stop a bloodbath unless that is your particular kind of ESP and that is not Miranda's kind of ESP. What her useless ass doesn't do is poltergeist anything, doesn't even think of doing it, even though eight episodes of this show have demonstrated that it is her sole response to anything and everything that happens.
Things that Miranda could have done, nonviolently, to help a brother out: The list is infinite really, but off the top of my head she could put flowers in Hanna's hair with her ghost hands, write a message in the dust of Caleb's teenage studio apartment, rearrange his socks or even just make them put on a short dance program, make some water boil, flicker the lights on command, make Hanna pick a card and then tell Caleb what card she is holding, or open the laptop and shoot Hanna a quick email, a thing away from which she has not shied in the past. Instead, it's just haircuts and mooning around.
Hanna: "You mean this chick was dead before you came to the other show to dump me for no reason?"
Caleb: "Yes but she's not dead dead. We have conversations about her uncle and stuff. I have to ghost-whisper her and I'm not done doing that yet. And please just believe me when I say, this is the least insane explanation I could give you that is still true."
Hanna grabs her shit and bails. It's amazing. She doesn't even really respond to this, just like, "Welp. Fuck you, I'm out."
THE VAULT
The Grunwald: "Hanna."
Hanna: "Oh Jesus, you scared me."
The Grunwald: "Caleb didn't mention you were visiting! How lovely."
Hanna: "I wasn't here to see him, The Grunwald. I was here to beat a girl down. But while we're on the subject, did you know he is tits-up crazy?"
The Grunwald: "You must be talking about Miranda and how he thinks Miranda is a ghost. I am not the person to talk to about this. I still hang with my daughter-sister from time to time, when I'm not busy totin' teacups around the place for no obvious reason."
Hanna: "I get that it's comforting to imagine the presence of a..."
The Grunwald: "Nanny don't wanna hear it, home girl. Did you miss the memo where Ravenswood is fifty kinds of fucked up? Ghosts are the least of our shitty problems."
Hanna: "I don't have the energy right now. I got ninjas playing post office inside my face, I don't need ghosts also. You have no idea."
The Grunwald: "I know Collins House was tough on you last time, but now I'm demanding that you come see it in the daytime. You can stay with me if you don't wanna deal with Caleb."
Hanna: "Thanks, I think I will. And speaking of thanks, thanks for saving Alison from being buried that time. That worked out real fuckin' choice for everybody."
The Grunwald: "I just should warn you that there is a Dracula."
SCHOOL?
Olivia: "I saw this dude at the Vault one time. Only there was bleeding out of the..."
Remy: "Yeah, we're past that now."
Luke: "I have a theory about how Ryan holds locational power and that it wasn't Abby getting to you last time with the exploded people, but Ryan bringing you to where you would see Abby getting exploded."
Olivia: "That makes sense I suppose."
Luke: "It's like sometimes important events leave a vibration in the..."
Olivia: "All right, Zelda Rubenstein. We get it. Cool your jets."
Remy: "What I thought would be fun to do today is, let's get Ryan and go watch your dad get fully murdered."
A GAYSBO
Hanna: "Sorry for bouncing earlier but you have no idea how irritating you're being."
Caleb: "I do, trust me. I just don't have a shit-ton of options."
Hanna: "On the other hand, I sent you to take care of Miranda, and she died which is sad, but you also were in the car and you could have also died, and it's all kind of hitting me right now as I'm saying it and..."
She crumples into his arms and weeps for a while, but it's sort of an Aria way to go with it. "Sorry you almost died, but let's make this about me for a sec."
THE OLD MAYOR'S OFC
Luke: "We're in luck. Nobody uses the office anymore due to the horrible murder. Liv, are you 100 % on this plan?"
Olivia: "Dillon swiped my v-card, bitch. I will do whatever it takes to get this done with. If he killed our dad, great. If he didn't, great. I am fucking done."
Of all the wonderful things about Luke Matheson, the way he has taken to this genre of spiritualism is the best. He like, gets really excited about doing a séance and then raises a hollow beseeching voice to Bloody-Eyes Ryan to show them what he will. Luke would make a splendid wizard, and a charming but only so-so necromancer. That's my official stance.
MAX ATTAX!
Caleb: "No like I'm really interested in what you're saying? But my real friends are texting me about this séance they've decided to do and I..."
Hanna: "That's cool, I'll just wander over and get abducted by that little demon girl while you take care of that."
Max: "What up. Remember me? I used to have a grown-up doppelganger that the show wisely decided to scrap? Now I mainly eat ice cream and hang out with regulation hotties."
Hanna: "Sure, Baby Redcoat! Of course. I'm just in town to throw some bows."
Max: "I hear ya, sister. Hey, wanna wander off into the mists with me and never be heard from again?"
Hanna: "That sounds like the kind of thing I'd do, sure."
Caleb: "Oh, God damn it."
It's a fairly wonderful moment, with Max just grinning at him when he catches up with them, and he can't say boo about how she is a demon because Hanna won't buy it, and Max knows that, so he's like, forced to be polite.
Caleb: "Hello, Max. We have to peace out real quick, okay?"
Max: "I'm just enjoying my ice cream, kind sir."
Hanna: "You know Max?"
Caleb: "You know Max?"
Hanna: "Sure! She was part of that kitchen-sink throw down last Halloween, along with Olivia and Luke's awesome disappearing cousin, Princess Cousin."
Caleb: "We gotta go, honey."
Hanna: "But I want to meet Max's friend!"
Caleb: "Maybe later but not right now. PS also not later."
He whispers as they're walking away not to look back, and it's a fairly transcendent vibe and moment. Hanna gets mad at him again -- this time for acting like the floor is lava, which is how it's coming off -- and then Max disappears, replaced by (but not, I think, transformed into) Spider Face, which is now eating an ice cream cone. Caleb does not notice her, because a spider is not currently coming out of her face. There is a spider crawling around on her ice cream cone, though, and then she eats that fucker, because what is more scary than a spider coming out of a face? That's right, a spider going into a face.
FUNERAL PLACE
Like where you have a funeral. Hanna's sitting there alone, chatting, and Miranda shows up during this monologue and then it's neat because Miranda is answering. Hanna, on some level, registers it, so she's having a conversation with herself that is also deeply a conversation with her intuition -- a Hanna Marin special, and still my favorite thing that's ever happened with her. That ends up equaling out into a real conversation… with a real ghost. Hard trick to pull off, and an acting challenge, but between the two of them they really sell it.
Hanna: "I would have come sooner, but I just found out you were dead like an hour ago. I put some flowers on your grave. I thought about talking to you there, but then I realized that would look bonkers, and Caleb has dibs on all the bonkers right now."
Miranda: "Sadly, not true."
Hanna: "Have you met any famous dead people? Cleopatra, or Marilyn Monroe? Those are the dead people I know offhand, hilariously."
Miranda: "Beatrice felt like a famous dead person, but really she was just super intense. Other than that, I'm kind of an outcast. Oh, well, I met and overcame the Devil while inside someone else's dreams, that was kind of like that."
Hanna: "Anyway, sorry my dumb boyfriend didn't save you from dying like I wanted. I was a real big fan of yours, right up until he dumped me. Now I don't know what to think. Sorry you're dead. I know from experience that when your best friend dies, it is a motherfucker. There's a whole TV show about it."
Miranda: "Caleb's not crazy, he's a good boy. He keeps his word. That's rare. He's keeping a promise to us both. The fact that his stake in it is now a million times bigger than mine, since he's still alive, shouldn't tarnish that halo too much."
Hanna: "Man, back in Rosewood he seemed so devoted and caring and worried about you, I thought he was in love with you."
Miranda: "Do go on."
Hanna: "But now that I know you're just some dead waif, I realize it's still about me."
Miranda: "Strong finish!"
Miranda: "I know how much he loves you. Enough that he wouldn't stick around Deadtown and make out with me, is how much. That's why you need to leave town, because his number one thing right now is knowing that you're safe."
Hanna: "Yeah, I should back to ROSEWOOD PENNSYLVANIA so I'll be safe. Good call."
Miranda, verbatim: "I'll protect him till he can come back to you. I promise. I know all about promises, Caleb taught me. Thank you for the flowers."
That kind of got to me, as middling as this episode was: "Thank you for the flowers."
There have been times they've oversold and undersold Miranda's essential situation -- being the uninvited guest at the table, in every situation from the familial to the romantic, is an incredibly poignant fate to me. But that line, I don't know. There's a power there. She seems stronger after that. Kind of like Hanna is the ghost, and Miranda's the girl, and she's come to some decisions, thanks to Hanna's innate kindness and compassion:
Thank you for forgiving me for taking something from you that I'll never have, either.
It's the main thing about Miranda and we won't really return to it, so think about it: Foster home after foster home, and then Raymond Collins going so cold on you, and then you fall in love with someone beyond the veil, who will never love you anyway. What a shitty repeated circumstance to be in. Your existence is at best superfluous, at worst an embarrassment, to the things that are happening; that would be happening with or without you.
On the outside of a warm house, looking into the windows from the cold, and that's your entire past, and that's your entire future: Even Cathy Earnshaw knew the feeling of being wanted, when she was alive, and she wasn't half the woman, or the bro, that Miranda is.
We always talk about ghosts doing the same thing over and over because they think it's going to save them, or because they're driven to do it, no matter how destructive or painful it is; because there is a hole in them that will never be filled no matter how hard they try, or obsessively they return, to the site of their pain.
We talk about this as if we're somehow any different.
FOR E.G.
Luke: "Ugh, Ryan. You really let us down. I was so looking forward to seeing our father get murdered."
(Everything goes apeshit; Ryan appears.)
Olivia: "Here we go, fuckers."
Mayor Matheson's on the phone with his wife, apologizing for being late, and it's a loving conversation. Proof we didn't need that she's no Black Widow, but remember that's what this scene is about. Crossing off possibilities. Remy, used to navigating ghost-memory, checks out the paper trail on his desk: Ryan Atwater, the Pact, the Five, the whole thing. That's when Dillon comes in, looking like he does. And then he apologetically stabs him, cleans up his shit -- Olivia freaking the fuck out, of course, in the real world -- and takes off, pausing only to pick up a book he shoved off the desk and return it to the bookcase before he's gone.
Olivia is still melting the fuck down ,and Luke's being great with her, actually, as he's an old hand at crying jags. When Remy pulls down the book in question, and finds a print on the inside cover with Dillon's thumb, and the Mayor's blood. Compelling! So they all back away from the crime scene and go off to figure out how to make somebody discover this evidence.
For some reason Olivia's only rational thought right now is that she wants Caleb, which I like because it's been notable that she, without saying so expressly, obviously considers him integral, or comforting. He is to Olivia what Remy is to everybody. Luke has the bromance, and the Twins obviously depend on each other, but Liv's always the one who's like, "We're not doing shit until Caleb gets here, so just simmer down." Or like last week when she was all, "Oh hi Miranda, how about you shut up though and tell me where Caleb is, thanks."
THE VAULT
The first plan is, they tell the cops to search the office again since they don't need another warrant, and then -- "If they balk" (LOL) -- they'll call the lawyer Collins found, and that'll get it done. But it doesn't matter anyway, because Dillon is on some -level shit and either he is going to die or become a demon or something, which is nice because it'll exonerate Rochelle (and Collins, now, for the Twins) and close its own loop.
Olivia: "Caleb. We (I) needed you."
Caleb: "I know but Hanna nearly got kidnapped by Max."
Remy: "Jeez, for real?"
Caleb: "In broad daylight! This fucking town."
Olivia: "You have got to get her out of here."
Remy: "And do not tell her about your ghost BFF."
Caleb: "I seem to have fucked up both of those actually."
Luke: "Hey, what's the new lawyer's name?"
Olivia: "I have a suggestion -- and I'm just spitballin' here, but -- what if we don't alert the police to the fact that our father was murdered by my boyfriend?"
Luke: "If this is what losing your virginity does to you, I am glad Remy's not..."
Olivia: "No, you dipshit. I want to find him myself. And then I want to kill the shit out of him."
This part is neat, this little twist on their twinship where they feel entitled to tell each other how they are feeling, this checking-in thing they do. I wish there had been more of that because, while it's not true of all twins, it's certainly true of most people, twins or not. There are people who are allowed to tell you how you're feeling, and there are people who are not.
Luke: "No you don't."
Olivia: "Oh, but I do. And so do you."
And he shrugs because she won that game of twin emotional brinkmanship and in fact she is right and he is wrong, but then he's like, "Either way we're not doing that, though." Which she agrees with, in turn.
Remy: "They are just going down in fucking flames, aren't they? Can you babysit while I run to my dad with this real quick? I think maybe by bringing him breaking news I can win back his approval and affection."
Caleb: "Can you not just call him on the phone?"
Remy: "Literally for no reason whatsoever, I have to go home. PS, it is to be kidnapped."
COLLINS / BEAUMONT
While Remy heads home to get kidnapped, Hanna runs a bath in the death bathtub and gives Emily a quick update. Of note: "Tell Spencer where I am, but not right away." That cracked me right up. Know your Hastings Triggers.
Remy fights back when Dillon attacks her in her darkened house, after the usual preamble of scary sounds and roaming around with a cellphone flashlight app, but it's no use: When two fantastic heads of hair like this clash, tie goes to the one in league with demons.
Remy: "What are you going to do to me? The same thing you did to the Mayor?"
Dillon: "Rude! But essentially yes!"
Hanna: "Stop rustling this shower curtain around my bathtub! I'm not a young werewolf in here. Just a lovely young lady on a weekender."
Spiders: "Can we get in there with you real quick?"
Caleb: "Hanna? HANNA. Tell me you're not in that bathroom using it for its intended purpose!"
Hanna: "Shut up, Caleb. Calgon is taking me away right now."
Caleb: "You have to get out of that bathtub right now! And don't look back!"
Hanna: "Can you hear me scoffing at you? Do you realize the irony that my whole life is not being able to explain mysterious things and looking like a tool -- and not even that can help you?"
Caleb: "I have to tell you ... boyfriend ... things."
Hanna: "Oh my God. Fine. You have until the water gets lukewarm."
She grabs a towel and heads out into the funeral home, but his ass is gone! Because of the Remy kidnapping going on right now!
Hanna: "Fucking for real? I'm getting back in that spidery bathtub. This is seriously it, Rivers."
UNCLE DRACULA
Caleb: "Put down that mortuary business paperwork and tell me where is Remy!"
Collins: "Who? And why would I know?"
Caleb: "Because Springer was bossed by Dillon, and Dillon is bossed by you."
Collins: "Wait, you're saying Dillon Campbell kidnapped Remy? That is not on brand."
Caleb: "Stop dicking me around. It's been ten episodes and you're still acting like you are not a Dracula even though you take pains to look exactly like a Dracula..."
Collins: "Fine. Shoot."
Caleb: "There was a Collins at the signing of the Pact, there's a Collins all the way down the line putting hair in jars, putting kids' souls in escrow for some unknown..."
Collins: "So far yeah. But that's because we are keeping the town safe..."
Caleb: "By killing kids? That makes no sense!"
Collins: "The Collins family doesn't do that. We just jar them. You're too dumb to talk to about it."
Caleb: "And the Mayor was onto you and the Pact and that's why you sent Dillon to..."
Collins: "Dillon kidnapped Remy and stabbed the Mayor? He has that knife? Man, I read that kid wrong. Never get fooled by a pretty face, Raymond. How many times has The Grunwald..."
BEAUMONT
Olivia: "So clearly Dillon did this. But why Remy?"
Luke: "Because she had the sit-down with Gabriel? And because I'm dating her and he's mad at me for the locker room thing?"
Olivia: "Let's go fuck up Dillon, then. That's the plan, yeah? Because that was already my plan, as I believe I told you before, but you guys can come if you want."
Remy's Phone: "[A picture of the Chapel. Fairly straightforward, right? We'll see.]"
UNCLE DRACULA
"The Collins men have always been undertakers. That's why we've always been the ones to keep the Children of the Pact. Hold their essence in those jars, until the contract was complete..."
Caleb: "You could have changed it! You have all the power!"
Collins: "That's how my sister died, and Charlie Matheson got a knife in his chest, and shit is constantly flying at your head... Snitches get stitches, Caleb. In ditches."
Caleb: "But that's why you sent Miranda away. You were rebelling, that's why you came after us so hard when we showed up."
Collins: "You are not allowed to call bullshit on that, though. That was the worst and hardest thing I ever had to do. I was so happy to see her and I had to be a dick to her, so she wouldn't die, and then she died. And I have nobody. Again. Except for The Grunwald, who has her own shit going on and kind of thinks I'm ridiculous. And you, who don't even like me even though I gave you a Jeep."
Caleb tries to crack open the crab now that he's crying, and Miranda -- touched, once again, by the humanity and immense strength of this guy; the Caretaker in Tyrant's clothing -- tells him to back off. They are okay. They even have a moment of being okay, with Ray staring into the corner where Miranda is vibing him the okay-ness, and it's nice.
I mean, how horrible to have it out there like that. Like, without The Grunwald and Rochelle (and his dazzling array of young men, trooping through the place) how shitty he would be, scuttling around in the dust doing the Devil's work and thinking every day might be the day he was brave, coming up with these sad reasons, explaining his life to himself. "These things were done before we arrived on the scene. They are beyond our ability to influence."
You can see exactly what Rochelle was talking about, trying to ameliorate for him, back at the station. How she felt sorry for him back then, but somehow knew better than to pity him, and that was the only thing he liked in the whole cold world. The Twins over there thinking he was fucking her, or dangerously obsessed with her, when the truth was she just considered him one of hers. Integral, comforting, and strange. What a life to be trapped in; what a brave girl she was, to reach out like that from where she was standing. No wonder he brings her orchids.
CHAPEL
Miranda: "I'm already dead, so I'm cool, but you guys should be careful in here. It's awesome in the daytime, but..."
The Twins: "It's cool, we're going to murder Dillon either way."
Caleb: "Where is everybody?"
Remy: "Over here, having a concussion on the floor. If anybody's interested."
Dillon: "Right behind you, locking the door of this Chapel."
Abaddon: "Coming up out of the red glow around that one place where the names were, in a bunch of fire and whatever, and also I am the Spider Lady, and PS this is where the shit goes completely off the rails."
Things that happen: Abaddon calls Dillon "my good and faithful servant"; then calls Miranda "my bad penny"; and then calls Miranda and Caleb a "lovely couple"; and then when the Five start bitching at him about how Miranda died, he's like, "Valid point, c'mere"; and then starts turning Miranda back alive!
Remy: "Actually, as I recall you made much of being a 'dealmaker' at our tea party we had, and that makes me think this is a shitty idea somehow."
Gabe: "Yeah but she'll be alive, that's pretty fun."
Then Miranda is alive. In other news, Dillon has bounced the fuck.
DILLON
So, was the haunted house thing the first try at getting all Five together so they could kill them? Because in both cases Max was up Dillon's ass about getting people places. I can buy that, although I wonder what the glowing door of Fake Moms was intended to do, if the Pact isn't fulfilled unless they all die at the same time? How funny if that was her chance of getting back to life, and they wrecked it. But I feel like maybe that door was the Grinder, which honestly I am just very concerned about the Grinder and what it means.
Anyway, this is the best part. Dillon is running through the woods to get away from there. Which, again, why? What is his endgame? Did he really sign out of the Pact? Things he was supposed to do on this show that he did: Have sex with Olivia, which Max wanted for some reason. Disappear, so Springer could hide the knife. Run around the haunted house being unhelpful. Follow the Five to the Chapel and lock the door, then unlock the door and leave. Also, kill the Mayor.
Are there dots here I'm not connecting? Because that seems like a lot, considering part of his deal was also selling his girlfriend to the Devil to begin with. I am beginning to think that Gabriel Abaddon has predatory lending practices.
Right so the best part is when Max appears and he spots her and his first knee-jerk response is to scream "SHUT UP!" at her. It's so awesome. He just wants her to shut up. So she smiles guilelessly and holds out her hand and promises that she is not going to do anything fucked-up to him, because he is beautiful and bought her ice cream once. They run through the woods together for a while, and then ... he is run over by a train.
Miss you the most, baby. Sorry you had to go out like that, but I guess once you start killing Mayors it's kind of not going to work out.
The funny thing is, they're all still fucked and they're doing great, so if he had just been cool and not be a dick about it, he could have been hanging out with Remy Beaumont and Caleb and Dead Miranda and sweet old Luke Matheson and still be dating the most popular girl at school. Everything would be pretty tight. I mean, besides the constant nearly dying, but they seem to have that one on lock too.
Which I guess the metaphor we were looking for, the rich loam of the death and the teens, comes back around on itself: Not that war is killing other people's children to save your own, or that clannish small towns create scapegoats out of nothing, but a purified form of both. Dillon was a pretty troubled kid who was able to look at "You or Me" and only see a zero sum game, and did what he could to survive. When the truth is, there is always a way everybody can win. And that's what separates the Calebs from the Dillons, and it's what Miranda learned after she died: Everybody can get out alive, so you can't get distracted.
CHAPEL
Collins: "I'm here, too, now! Stop bringing my niece back to life!"
Abaddon: "You are not needed right now! Ya shopkeeper, ya clerk. You janitor of souls."
Collins: "That is really hurtful!"
The Five: "Uncle Dracula, he is totally helping her out by making her not be dead."
Collins: "Do you fuckers ever shut up? Look, either I don't know what I'm talking about, or I'm the evil guy that knows everything, but you cannot have it both ways! So shut up and listen when I say this whole season has been about getting you Five all at once and he needs her alive for that."
The Five: "We do not accept that! We want everything without consequences!"
Collins: "Nope, but I can do ... this!"
He throws down the hair-jar of Caleb Rivers 1.0, screaming some embarrassing thing about "I'm not scared of you anymore! You're too weak to kill them without the evil you feed from in this Chapel!" It's kind of a shit show, I don't know if I mentioned how radically things go to hell here at the end. So then Ray's like, "Various Calebs and Mirandas in various combinations are more powerful than you are!" Gabe is all, "Dang it!" and bounces. Then Miranda is dead again, and she goes, "Do you guys smell roses?" which is another thing that everybody doesn't wonder what the fuck she is talking about.
I kind of loved this because it's quite imaginative, kind of like an improv troupe is just making shit up today and then later on, special effects will be added. Dracula's chomping on the scenery in a great way, and Abaddon is hella charming as usual. Everybody is bringing their a-game, no lie. But you know what, I don't really love improv that much, and I really think some of these things could have used a more intense brainstorming session. Because whatever happened, it was awesome but it wasn't great. And while PLL works kind of the same way that you never really know what the hell is happening, they leave you a trapdoor that you're not supposed to. But this, it was more like a burst of high-grade nonsense and then they're just like "Okay, so we good?"
I mean I guess the point is flipping over these gothic-romance archetypes and seeing what they've got going on. Frozen does a good take on the Dastard Boyfriend, we've already visited the Tyrant Uncle concept a few times, The Grunwald is essential for this (among many other reasons; among all the reasons there are in the world.) Miranda's great as this kind of Poor Little Match-Girl spirit, and Remy makes both a good, proactive dream-oracle and cub reporter. The Twins are so down on their luck it's hard to imagine what their lives were like when they were happy. Even Springer ended up being archetypal, between his dad and his job struggles.
So I would say that the show succeeds on that front very well: Breathing life back into character types most of us aren't directly that familiar with anyway. That's pretty cool. I can only imagine how deep that goes, since I don't know anything, but it's to be presumed -- the references of PLL are just as intense and revealing -- and I like the idea of rescuing an entire genre like that. And as cringe-worthy as the climax was, I guess there's a melodrama there that makes sense. The mustache-twiddling uncle and the minister switch roles, and somebody's tied to literal foggy train-tracks, and the only answer Hair-Jar Himself can come up with is more ghosts. The dead girl comes back to life, only to be snatched away from her true love by a greater necessity. It tracks, it was just weird to watch.
MARIN
Caleb: "Thanks for coming to Ravenswood and not actually being involved in this finale, but do I need to break up with you one more time? It's getting excessive."
Hanna: "You know what, it's fine. Now that I know you are fucking crazy it's not half as weird as it was before I got here. Ripped that Band-Aid right off."
Caleb: "Please don't tell the Liars about this. It's too weird and embarrassing."
Hanna: "Yeah, I will not be advertising that you dumped me for a corpse. Thanks for the advice."
MIRANDA
They share a sweet goodbye, and Miranda watches and feels junky and left-out about it because that is her entire life. But then who's that approaching? Caleb 1.0. And maybe she's a reincarnation-same after all, because when she reaches out to touch him, the only memory that clears the screen is when another Miranda said this: "I promised to love, honor and cherish you. For eternity."
Which I guess is a happy ending? I mean, I hope there is more of this show, but in a general way, What? That kind of implies that this pull between our Caleb and Miranda is an echo and that it feels like fate but really it's not a compulsory fate, because that soul is already dead and she can just be with him, okay, but then they do not actually know each other, and he is like a hundred years older than her? And I wonder what Caleb will think about it, but I kind of hope he hates it and Miranda can just be like, "Suck it. Go kiss an alive girl, you dumb crybaby." But I'm confused, I'll say that. All we can do in these times is turn to classic literature, as I do whenever I feel confused about life's great mysteries or just in need of a little guidance, and see what it has to say. Ah. Got it.
See, Jacob thought he was in love with Bella Swan, but then it turned out he really just wanted to fuck her baby. And that turned out fine. So probably it's like that, only instead of a baby it's Caleb's ancestor, and instead of Miranda being the werewolf in this scenario, it's everybody else (or at least everybody that's named Caleb).
I can't see any holes in this logic so I'm just gonna leave it there for now. Hope I see you again sometime soon.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, True Detective, The Blacklist, Ravenswood, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook.