Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 25 USERS: B+ YOU GRADE IT P-U-S-H-O-Double F
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 3 | Aired on 11.05.2013
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Miranda's funeral is a perfunctory affair -- give or take a few ghost-quakes, sudden unkindnesses wheeling around in the sky, and of course Uncle Dracula acting super weird -- but after Caleb delivers an eloquent eulogy, and Junior Groundskeeper Springer gets fired for drinking on the job, Collins is impressed enough to move Caleb into the estate's carriage house, where we learn the previous groundskeeper was secretly murdered. So that's what Caleb is mostly up to, living in this haunted cottage next to a haunted mansion in the middle of a haunted graveyard located over a haunted buried city full of haunted people who are also haunted you.
Miranda finds out she can't leave the grounds, which sucks, but not as sucky as how she keeps randomly teleporting around all over the place, into the house and out of the house and upstairs and downstairs, and everywhere she goes she gets mad shit-talk from scary ghosts she can't even see, possible wet demon girls, and who knows what else. Then she gets a phone call on the haunted phone, but it is a mean prank call from mean ghosts telling her to eat ghost butts, and then later on she glows for some reason and now the Gang (except maybe Luke?) can all see her.
Oh, and there was a great part where The Grunwald almost senses her, and then keeps on creakin' down the hallway with a cup of tea, because all The Grunwald ever does is tote tea around the house, sense ghosts, say non sequiturs, and ignore the ghosts she senses on a case-by-case basis depending on how she is feeling.
Now that Miranda's dead, Olivia's the next one to start seeing monsters and things, and also be haunted by hallucinations she doesn't even know about, such as ghostly fingers.
Her main ghost is Abby Wheeler, a pretty blonde girl who dated their dead father in high school but then was tragically blown up in the Science Lab explosion the last time this Curse happened, which Remy has figured out was one of at least six, if you count this latest one that the show is about. Turns out that the dad was under the impression that Abby was trying to warn him from beyond the grave that he shouldn't be looking into the Curse, but then he died anyway.
The amount that Luke is not into any of this is actually pretty great. He straight-up asks their mom if Abby was screwing their dad and maybe killed him, just because he is tired of BS, and that's when the mom also gets to be like, "They weren't sleeping together... Because she's been dead for TWENTY YEARS!" That whole family is really pretty good fun this week.
Remy's Dad has a secret tape of his wife's platoon getting blown up, and then Remy finds documents that say her mom was supposed to get VAPORIZED -- also pretty rad, as well as being rad that it did not happen -- but then Olivia goes to the Science Lab and has a vision of Abby Wheeler burning to death that is fairly visual in its own right. Still, the amount of effort Remy puts into feeling guilty about her mom being alive and Miranda dead is pretty astounding, because -- since it makes no sense -- she really has to push it.
Eventually, everybody is so freaked out they decide to play along with Remy's whole theory, and Luke even acts pretty decent to Caleb. He levels with them about Ghost Miranda, and the girls are immediately on board, and then like her crazy has been fully activated, Olivia decides to hold a séance so they can get Ghost Abby to tell them WTF is even going on with this show.
Abby doesn't exactly tell them anything, but before the house tries to kill them eleven different ways and Miranda starts glowing everywhere, Abby does say that their dad, the Mayor, died because of this Curse and that the Curse is coming for them and something about FIVE PACT, so I guess they have to make a pact of some kind?
I would say, "Let's all promise each other right now to get the fuck out of Ravenswood. Are you in?" That's the main pact I would be pulling for.
Next Week: Luke's feeling it less than ever before after that nonsense of the deadly séance, Olivia and Miranda become bros because of ESP and also this Curse, and Caleb tries to explain the ABC Family show Ravenswood to Hanna Marin, who is not having it, because how do you even go about doing that.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
I don't even know, bro. Everybody died! Most of them got better. Remy is putting together a dossier on everybody else that has ever died, or not died. Caleb's best friend is a ghost with mommy issues. The Twins have a supernatural power of always bitching, and their Mom is seriously great. The Grunwald took Collins to task for his messy room, and that awesome groundskeeper guy the Pretty Little Liars met is dead as hell.
THE FUNERAL
The new groundskeeper is Springer, the messy dude that is always dicking with Luke and maybe is dating Tess or maybe got dumped by Tess, or maybe they never dated and we just aren't actually privy to the nuts and bolts of Springer. I hate him. He is mean to Luke, which would be fine except it makes Luke a) cry and b) act like a douche, and he was already going to do those things anyway.
What Springer's up to today is, digging Miranda's grave! This involves your usual gravedigging, but also multiple appearances of the random unkindness of ravens that constantly shows up when things aren't quite spooky enough. The camera has a succession of seizures, Springer finishes up the hole, and that's it for now with Springer.
Uncle Collins stares all around and looks like Springer's hot older uncle, and things are as usual at the funeral home. He purses his lips while he's drawing on Miranda's dead lips on her face, and then snips a lock of her hair, because those are two weird things you can do.
Miranda is complainy about how nobody is coming to her funeral except Caleb, but then everybody in town shows up anyway. Caleb is wearing Uncle Collins's old suit and looks smashing. I wonder what it smells like. I am going to say Cool Water. One thing it does not smell like is, garlic.
Caleb: "Are you deader yet?"
Miranda: "There is no tunnel with a light at the end, if that's what you mean. I feel like when my horrible childhood left me at school all evening and the sun went down and I realized I didn't matter to society."
Caleb: "I know this doesn't help whatsoever, but I am going to figure out this Curse. That way I won't also be dead. I hope it cheers you up."
The Grunwald: "You look nice in that suit."
Caleb: "You look nice in that witch costume."
Miranda: "Explain who all these people are at my funeral. I didn't get to meet them before I killed all of us that time the other day."