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Miranda discovers that the Five are still hanging around the graveyard, avoiding her, which is like her worst ghost nightmare. Then Abby Wheeler's gravestone breaks in half, which is apparently one of the ways you can be punished if you fuck up at being a ghost.
Caleb can't seem to verbalize his experiences in a way that won't either bring Hanna into the Curse or else send her screaming in the other direction, and actually gives a valid explanation for this: He's still paranoid about how mad she got the time he hid a nannycam teddybear in her house for the Jenna Thing, and doesn't want her to think he's a liar or crazy. See, if you were dating Spencer Hastings you would not have these problems. That kind of shit bothers her zero.
Miranda writes Hanna an explanatory email on his behalf, breaking into tears when she realizes she is in love with him, and then later on Caleb thinks maybe he likes her back. But it doesn't matter, because after a sweet conversation with Olivia, who is still awesome this week, Miranda discovers her ghost-mother on the set of the school play we'll probably never hear about again, and then ends up going to Heaven. Which -- if untrue -- is a very mean trick to play on a ghost.
Olivia is still on a roll, figuring out that her mom and Uncle Collins were, or are, intimate; this creeps her out because she is a racist who doesn't believe moms should hook up with draculas, but then even more creeped out is she when she and Miranda discover Collins's collection of dad-stabbing knives and dead people's hair. Classic Collins!
Would that Luke continued following his sister's lead, but alas, his awesomeness last week was short-lived. In between almost dying approximately eighty times, and also the crying he likes to do, and the bossing around of his sister that he also loves, he shits on everybody for being interested in the magically horrible things that are constantly happening to them, because he is like an old superstitious pilgrim about everything. If you threw a Coke bottle down on him from a helicopter, that would keep him busy for a year talking about how stupid Coke bottles are and how people need to stop talking about the Coke bottle.
The only other downer part is no The Grunwald, but I'm sure she was doing something super important like taking some tea up some stairs or transforming into a mean-eyed alley cat or whatever she gets up to on her day off.
At Ben Price's behest, Luke joins the school play -- then quits the school play, then joins the school play -- just in time to have a sexy smooching encounter with Olivia's best friend Tessa that involves the phrase "honey roasted penis," and is probably the best thing that's ever going to happen on this show. Remy is none too thrilled about that, but probably because she throws him out before he gets to the part about the #honeyroastedpenis (which trended last night, because the internet is great).
After a weird encounter with a klepto old lady, Caleb drags Remy to meet a mean old man who is the brother of the Caleb Rivers that died. He is not helpful at first, just very yelly and conflicted about whether he should be helpful or just super annoying. Remy is all about annoying stupid old people and how they don't even know how to blog or what a blog is, and that her grandmother calls tablet computers "maxi-pads," and generally Remy has just had it with everybody, which looks almost as good on her as her wonderful outfits.
Later on he shows up at the carriage house with a magical key and some rambles about how Caleb is now in charge of "the battle," so then Remy and Caleb investigate a secret archive of spooky things that is under the high school, where they find a magical box that they can't unlock but then -- after Miranda disappears and he gets in a spittin' rage with Uncle Collins -- he beats up and it opens. What's inside? Nobody knows. Something creepy would be my guess.
WEEK
Caleb doubts that Miranda's in Heaven, and everybody tries to get back with their normal significant others, but then apparently everything goes so crazy that even The Grunwald is worried, and there are spooky twins and dead bodies behind walls, and then somebody does something with Caleb's eyeball. It looks really good. I am sad that it's the last one until January, but at least we're going out on a Buckley episode.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
While Olivia was running around having visions of her father's dead ex-girlfriend -- including one where all her skin was burnt off! -- Miranda was taunting the other million ghosts of Ravenswood with her perky sensibilities. The kids held a séance which almost killed them, or maybe it was the fact that Luke was being cool for the first and probably last time in their lives that almost killed them. Turns out the Matheson Twins' father was killed for looking into the Curse, which is very scary! Unless you are one of these kids, and then, it's not that interesting a fact. Miranda got stuck in the graveyard and later briefly glowed, but neither of those things seems to have stuck. The Grunwald fingered some drapes and then got the eff out of there, probably because she needed to dig some girls out of the dirt of neighboring towns, her other main hobby besides rocking your face off all the time. Oh, and Caleb is living in Uncle Collins's carriage house, where recently there was murder. Another thing that would barely interest him probably.
MIRANDA
While all of the séance cleanup is going on, Miranda goes looking for Abby Wheeler (1975-1992), who maybe they talked to in a Ouija board. She finds Abby standing over her own gravestone with some friends. Guess how many friends? That's right, four other people who got exploded in the Science Lab back in '92. They see her coming and immediately scatter, looking terrified. Probably because of the bigger meaner ghosts that are always yelling at Miranda, or the wet demon girl, or maybe just because they're afraid Miranda will start talking to them about her mom.
Then Abby's headstone cracks right in half like she is Aslan. Maybe she is, I don't really know how all this works.
CALEB
Just likes to hang out in a towel, bleeding from séance wounds, after such a rough night. He is not so great at writing an email to his girlfriend Hanna because of how nuts everything is all the time here, which will make him look like a liar or just crazy.
Dear Hanna, I am writing to tell you that you made a very bad call when you told me to stay in Ravenswood to solve the future murders of a girl we just met. You are usually pretty dependable but this time you straight boned it. I doubt that I will ever see you again, because this town is trying to kill my ass -- not a metaphor -- and I have already died eleven times just while I was writing this letter. In closing, let me say that I miss you very much, probably even more than I miss my car that disappeared. It is okay now, I have a Jeep of a murderer. Please tell Mona hi, and also to choke on butts. Love, Caleb.
...Or so I would imagine he meant to write, given the wolf-y scratches that are his idea of writing because he never went to school, only lived in the walls of one. When Caleb signs his name it's just three or four vertical fingernail scratches. Even when he texts it is mostly emoji, and he says "LOL" in counterintuitive ways during exchanges that make you think he doesn't really know what it stands for. He just thinks that he does.
Miranda: "Oh hey, let's pretend you're not naked and I will tell you a story. Abby Wheeler's headstone exploded in half at the end of it!"
Caleb: "That is interesting but did you know I am not wearing underpants?"
Miranda: "Well, there we go. You made it weird. Congratulations."
Caleb: "I fucking hate it here. And I can't write an email with these wolf-y paws."
Miranda: "It has recently come to my attention that I am in love with you. Very recently, like when I moonwalked in here. Or maybe previously to that, when I was watching you sleep, like a ghostly creeper."
MATHESON
Olivia: "I couldn't sleep. What's your excuse?"
Luke: "I woke myself up crying, which made me start crying."
Olivia: "Luke, it's really unattractive how you're always telling me what to do."
Luke: "I know, so don't talk about ghosts or Curses or be friends with people."
Olivia: "For example, that is a thing that makes you look like a dick."
Luke: "I think we may have to face the fact that I am actually just a dick. A honey-roasted piece of dick."
BEAUMONT
Remy goes downstairs for some water from the fridge water dispenser, but she pushes the wrong button and it dispenses blood instead of cool, refreshing water. She fills up the glass and then the blood goes everywhere and then it keeps dispensing even after she is done with that. I think you need to check your warrantee, Mr. Beaumont. I realize that your wife was vaporized and your daughter keeps dying in more and more ridiculous ways, but that's no reason to neglect your home. It's an investment.
Remy finally notices that she is about to be drinking a glass full of blood, and sets it lightly on the counter so it won't make a mess. Just kidding, she screams her ass off and throws the glass and the blood and glass goes everywhere. Then a man grabs her from behind!
Oh, it was just her dad who is on high alert because of his daughter sleepwalking and making huge nighttime messes, and then his wife in their cozy den having night terrors because of a time that she was vaporized. Remy stares all around and her dad tells her he will clean up her mess if she will just shut up and go to bed. She doesn't go immediately, though, because there is a raven on the windowsill checking her out and thinking she is a sleepy time train wreck.
The raven opens its beak wide and says "Everwood!" because it turns out it was a dream inside of a dream inside of a nightmare that is called Ravenswood Pennsylvania, population minus five of whatever it was yesterday.
THE VAULT
Caleb: "By far the most interesting thing that has happened lately -- besides inanimate objects constantly dancing around like we are Belle and everything is the Beast, which doesn't seem notable to any of us -- is when Abby Wheeler's headstone fell in half."
The Five: "Are you sure?"
Caleb: "I am a groundskeeper of a graveyard, I know about headstones."
The Twins: "Maybe it was just that person who BLACK WIDOWs on our dad's one every day before school?"
Caleb: "Unless Springer is quote 'a skilled stonecutter or carries around a bolt of lightning,' this was done by something else."
Caleb always says the raddest shit.
Olivia: "My theory is that it was a punishment for Abby Wheeler because of our séance and the Pact that she unhelpfully did not really tell us about."
Caleb: "If you're a ghost your punishment is lightning shooting at your grave?"
Olivia: "Just trying to pivot to the topic, sorry."
Caleb: "I guess instead of talking to dead people about it and making them try to kill us, we should investigate more alive people, so they can more efficiently kill us."
Remy: "Good idea. I will advertise on my blog that we are learning about the Curse and that way everybody will know to come kill us."
Luke: "I just want to register my strong opinion that all of you are stupid and gay, and I hope that we do die. Remy, can we have a conversation six inches from where we currently are? It is about love."
Remy: "I have missed the sunshine that you so effortlessly spread around. Wait, that is constant crying and bitching I was thinking of."
Caleb: "Why is he like this?"
Olivia: "I don't know. He's always been kind of shitty, but ever since our dad got stabbed to death by a Dracula he has gotten pretty OTT about it."
Luke: "Would you like to go on a date?"
Remy: "I would, but I am more interested in trying to prevent my own death."
Luke: "Okay, I'm going to go cry about it."
BREAKING AWAY SLASH INTO TEARS
Crying and bicycling at the same time is a more pernicious hazard than texting and driving, so of course he immediately crashes his bicycle into literally nothing. Luke lies on the ground crying forever, and then notices -- this is amazing -- that what made him crash was that a raven stuck itself in the spokes of his bicycle, sacrificing itself for the greater cause of giving him more things to moan about.
Dillon: "Yo Luke! What is your deal right now?"
Luke: "I am just lying in the street crying and bleeding."
Dillon: "That sounds fun but where is your sister?"
Luke: "Hanging out with her new friends that are into The Craft."
Dillon: "Do you need help or something? Specifically right now, but honestly just generally you seem pretty fucked in the head."
Luke: "Don't do me any favors, gorgeous."
THE VAULT
Remy: "How is this for a blog. Is it just me or is Ravenswood haunted as hell?"
Caleb: "It is succinct, I like it."
Michelle: "Olivia, you are late for a doctor's appointment!"
Olivia: "I require no medical treatment! I am sure Luke is bleeding and crying somewhere though, why don't you go climb up his ass instead?"
Michelle: "Don't even look at me, Remy and Caleb. I'll act up even more heinous."
OUTSIDE THE VAULT
Collins: "Michelle? I am sorry that the cops bothered you at my funeral or else I would have made everything even more uncomfortable for everybody. Thanks for coming to that funeral even though I can't keep your husband's headstone from always saying BLACK WIDOW."
Michelle: "I can't talk to you right now, Uncle Collins. I have to take Olivia to a follow-up exam from when your niece murdered her on that bridge."
Collins: "I thought maybe you got hurt at that party at my house that your mom doesn't know about and was no kind of party. I am glad your human blood is okay and still inside your body."
Michelle: "My kids don't go to parties in graveyards unless they are sponsored by the Ravenswood Chamber of Commerce."
Collins: "This was the rare graveyard party that was not an official Ravenswood function. I don't really care one way or the other about your daughter, Shelley."
Olivia: "You did not just call my mom a poet, you old Dracula. I'm gettin' in the car."
Michelle, weirdly: "It doesn't matter where I am. I could be here or there or even the market. Somebody's probably watching me right now, Ray."
Collins: "I have no idea what any of that meant, it seemed like it was just sounds, but you will always be safe from harm and insult in my home. My funeral home. Peace out."
Olivia: "So basically you and Dad were fucking the entire town, between the two of you?"
Michelle: "No, I just went to school with Uncle Collins, no big deal."
Olivia: "Where, at Hogwarts?"
Michelle: "He did not get along with your Dad. Your Dad didn't like the way Mr. Collins did business. Also, they hated each other over my business."
Olivia: "Is he gonna be my new daddy? I cannot wait to see Luke cry when I tell him."
Michelle: "If Raymond Barnabas Collins were capable of carrying on an adult romantic relationship, would he really need a nanny?"
Olivia: "If you married him instead of Daddy, I would never have been born."
Michelle: "Don't overthink it, sweet cheeks."
Then they drive to the doctor. Where do they go after that? Who knows. Here or there, or even the market.
CALEB
Miranda: "Why are you taking photos of that busted gravestone? Shouldn't you be cleaning this shit up?"
Caleb: "I was going to take this to Abby Wheeler's family. Opening up old wounds like a bull in a china shop seems to be one thing that links the Five of us. That, and our truant death."
Miranda: "Let's talk more about your girlfriend that seems like a sufficiently awful idea."
Caleb: "If I told her even one-tenth of what is going on, her ass would be here so fast."
Miranda: "How fast?"
Caleb: "No way to know. Sometimes Ravenswood and Rosewood are eight hours apart, sometimes it takes five minutes, sometimes you are EzrA FitzgerAld and you can be here and there simultaneously. It just depends on where the planets are located in the sky."
Miranda: "Hey, is my being your constant companion irritating? Or is it that I leave and come back without warning, rhyme or reason? Or am I in fact not irritating at... And there he goes."
Caleb: "Ma'am? Ma'am, where are you taking those flowers from all these graves?"
Verbatim: "HOME!"
Caleb: "That was awesome. But did you know it's also stealing?"
Old Lady: "I don't give a shit. Stealing flowers from graves is my only thrill in life."
Caleb: "I would think twice about pissing off the dead in a regular town. But this town, the dead are already super pissed off. You got a death wish?"
Old Lady: "No but hey, are you Caleb Rivers?"
Caleb: "Oh God, what now."
Old Lady: "You look exactly like Caleb Rivers. The dead one."
Caleb: "Oh right, the Caleb Rivers from the tombstone that died in that boating accident with four other teens."
Old Lady: "Did you know his brother, your great-uncle, is still alive and his face is burned and he is super mean?"
Caleb: "I didn't know that. Ravenswood is just thick with unfriendly uncles."
Maybe it's a Curse! Maybe that is another Curse, the Mean Uncles That Look Super Crazy Curse. And season the S in the middle of Raven5wood will be the Dracula face of many uncles.
BEN PRICE
Ben: "I'm not like a regular teacher, I'm a cool teacher. Turn in your papers!"
Luke: "Excuse me, I was crying and I didn't notice class was over."
Ben: "You look like shit bro. Did you fall off a bike? Or is this about when you died the other day? Or when your dad got stabbed to death? Or some other regular teen problem."
Luke: "The former. I don't want to talk about feelings. Just shoot them out of my eyes."
Ben: "You should be in our school play. It is called Our Town. It is about ghosts that never, ever shut up."
Luke: "Of course it is. Of course our school play is about ghosts commingling with the living and mourning themselves and their squandered chances at happiness. Tell me, in this play do people explode on the reg?"
Ben: "Only like two of them explode."
Luke: "Fine, I will do it. I want to be included in regular life, not The Craft life."
REMY
Remy: "I have instantly found the brother that old lady was talking about. Let's go to Cabotsville right away."
Caleb: "I am worried. Generally when I meet relatives -- even though I am an orphan, I constantly have more and more relatives -- they end up getting run off the road, framed by a ghost for stealing church bells, or vanishing into the moonlit wolf night."
Remy: "This one won't do that. Plus he looks old and racist. I'm not doing this alone."
Caleb: "I wish Luke would be cool and just be friends with us and not be such a douchebag."
Remy: "It would make things a lot easier..."
A body starts trying to climb out of a grave that they are standing near, and they are like, "Huh. That's kind of weird." And then they never mention it again, they just hit the road.
CARRIAGE HOUSE
While Caleb and Remy are meeting Old Mr. Rivers in a sort of "Who's On First" routine where he's all "Caleb is dead!" and they're like, "No, the other Caleb that is not dead," Olivia sneaks up to the carriage house to tell Caleb that Uncle Collins... exists. I never figured out why she was there. A million spooky things happen, but they barely register. She just kind of wanders around while books flap through the air like seagulls and doors slam open and closed and a trumpet plays reveille out of nowhere and a crab sings a song about kissing in a Jamaican accent, and she's just like Whatever and keeps yelling his name.
Finally Miranda shows up, from wherever she was -- here, there, the market -- and they have a chat about one million topics.
Olivia: "First of all, how many people did Collins murder in his life, do you think?"
Miranda: "A rough estimate? I would say about a thousand probably."
Olivia: "Do you think he is going to kill us? Because I would prefer he kill Luke before me. Not because I'm a bitch, but because I don't want to have to be a ghost watching him cry 24/7. That is already my life."
Miranda: "I don't think we're in danger. He's not good, but he's not the Curse."
Olivia: "So you don't think he killed my Dad because of that?"
Miranda: "I doubt highly that he would do anything as cool as a crime of passion like stabbing over and over. Unless... Was your father eaten? Or exsanguinated?"
Olivia: "I wish my mom was dead. Oh, sorry! Because your mom actually is dead. I just meant it like, as an expression."
Miranda: "One thing with Collins is, he keeps a Murder Room. Full of murder weapons and also trophies of his victims. Did I not tell you guys that? Man, I am so scatterbrained ever since I drowned at a young age."
Olivia: "Does he also have scrapbooks of like, old newspapers of kids getting killed? We should tell him about Pinterest."
Miranda: "Collins would love the shit out of Pinterest. Good call. An entire website just for Dracula's. Anyway, let's go look through his stuff and really piss him off, so then he'll take it out on Caleb."
Olivia: "You know, it's weird that you died but you're still around. Also that we are friends, which we wouldn't be if you were just a normal homeless kid because I used to be a bitch. But listen, why are you here? I feel like it's for my benefit mostly."
Miranda: "I think it's because I am in love with Caleb."
Olivia: "Right away I see two problems with that."
CABOTSVILLE
Remy keeps backseat driving Caleb's chess game with the old creepy man, which doesn't bother Caleb because wolves have no patience for games of strategy, but does bother the old racist sexist man who refuses to die because of the Curse.
Rivers: "Woodrow Wilson had a wife like you. She ran the country for two years."
Caleb: "You remember Woodrow Wilson?"
Rivers: "Nope. Just being weird and sexist."
Caleb: "You were born in Ravenswood?"
Rivers: "Me, Caleb, and our five siblings. We stayed in town because our mom was crazy and thought my father would come back. When Caleb died, the earth opened up and swallowed my father. Swallowed him whole."
Caleb: "He passed away?"
Rivers: "Yeah, he fell in a hole. Did I not just say that to you?"
Caleb: "Did he disappear because he blamed Ravenswood because of, um..."
Rivers: "Don't bullshit me, kid. Just ask what you want to ask me."
Caleb: "Did we drown that time in that car because there were five of us and this girl's mother was vaporized?"
Rivers: "Yes. Now get out of here before I tell you something useful."
OUR TOWN
One weird thing is how if it comes up I played the Stage Manager in Our Town when I was a kid, they always react the same way, like obviously that happened. I don't even really understand it.
People I am actually like: Iorek Byrnison, Misty Day, that asshole triceratops from The Land Before Time, Jojen Reed, Brenda Chenowith. A fairly short list. Mmmaybe Ryan Seacrest, I guess I can see that getting you there. But mostly it just freaks me out.
Ben: "This play is about how we are all connected but sometimes we don't understand that until it is too late and that a small town in a play or a TV show is a metaphor for everything because a town is just like a family but larger and that is what Ravenswood is about. Teenage ghosts, cute boys with haircuts, and occasionally Uncle Dracula getting drunk with his nanny. It is all connected."
Luke: "I am here to be the star of the play since the old star of the play got chicken pox? Which is really dangerous at our age and will probably have a permanent effect on his heart valves? So now I get to be in a play?"
This black chick with a mohawk who is instantly the best character since The Grunwald is like, "Uh, plus you have to be married in the play to Tess, your sister's trashy ex-BFF. I am so glad I showed up for this play."
MEANWHILE
Miranda composes a letter to Hanna that is really about how she is in love with Caleb now, so it works like she is Caleb and Caleb is Hanna. Tears pour down her face and she seems crazier than anybody on this show, and it's pathetic and but also hilarious. The song playing is about what it's like when you are a ghost in love with a werewolf in love with a fashion icon who lives in a town composed entirely of perverts and is constantly getting run over by cars.
AFTER REHEARSAL
Tess: "Okay I am dropping out of the school play, so don't worry."
Luke: "I just also dropped out, so you don't worry."
Tess: "When could that possibly have happened? You just walked in here."
Luke: "I don't know what the problem is between you and Olivia, but I can't be marrying you in a play while you guys are on the outs. That's the bizarre place I draw the line."
Tess: "I really wish that I could fix things with Olivia. I was a bonehead."
Luke: "I'll be sure and tell her that."
Tess: "No, you won't. Because you think -- just like everybody else -- I'm a social remora that only used Livvie as a VIP pass to hang out with rich kids. Which is, by the way, totally accurate."
Luke: "That was very honest and forthright, actually. Maybe you're not so bad."
Tess: "Yeah, I came in hot but every scene since then I've been pretty rad."
MURDER PARLOR
Uncle Collins goes to this Vampire's Apprentice-looking cabinet that is stuffed full of murder, and takes out this shiny steely knife that is like a scythe, and polishes it maniacally even though it is already clean. He's so intense about this that even when his old newspapers start sliding around on each other like haunted eels, he's just like, "Huh. That was weird. Back to polishing this knife."
Miranda, with her keen mind, flashes back to approx. one second ago when Olivia reminded her that nobody ever found the knife that stabbed her father the Mayor in all of his major organs including the skin, our largest organ.
MIDNIGHT SOCIETY
Caleb: "So now I also gotta track down this dude's father also? Who has to be like a hundred."
Remy: "I don't care about that. I care about blogging. My blog isn't blogging, Caleb."
Caleb: "Maybe Henry Rivers told everybody that we are doing everything we can to start up the Curse killing everybody, everywhere."
Remy: "I doubt highly that Henry Rivers is into Tumblr. My grandma's twenty years younger than him and she calls my tablet a Maxi-Pad."
Caleb: "I guess just add this to the list of storylines that might or might not ever come back up."
CARRIAGE HOUSE
Caleb: "Speaking of dick uncles, I also have a dick uncle."
Miranda: "My dick uncle is a stabber of Mayors."
Caleb: "My dick uncle is burned on his face a little bit, and crotchety as all get out. Also, the Pact is confirmed as a thing. But that's all I got today."
Miranda: "You know what? Who cares. I am done with this. You go back to Rosewood, and then I will have no choice but to shuffle off to Heaven. See, I already wrote this letter to Hanna that you would come back week."
Caleb: "I can't read, what does it say."
Miranda: "Trust me, it's lovely. It was written while weeping ghostly tears. I just really think this TV show is a bad idea and I want to end it."
Caleb: "Remember how there was another Caleb Rivers and another Miranda Collins? Those things from the two-hour premiere are still true, and could still hurt Hanna too."
Miranda: "Oh, okay. That's true."
Caleb: "Maybe I am a little bit liking you back, also."
Miranda: "How can this be? You are a werewolf with computer powers, while I am just a humble ghost who occasionally glows and won't stay out of your business."
Caleb: "It's okay. You're already dead. The shippers can't hurt you now."
Knock-knock.
Henry Rivers! Covered in mud and riding a broomstick through the night! Has come to deliver some nonsense! And a magical amulet!
Wait no, it's just a key on a chain. Never mind, false alarm. A false amulet alarm. Although the chain it's on is like a dog tag chain, those little balls, which who knows if that's significant but I'm noting it just in case. If I were not of a certain bloodline allergic to cold steel, I would always be wearing dog tags, because I have always liked the way they look. But I can't, so I don't. I just buy them and hang them with the other ones and think about how nice it would to wear them without looking like I've been stung by bees all over my upper torso.
Much as with Alison DiLaurentis, I find it's meet to reproduce Henry word for word because who knows what he is talking about: "He never signed it, but he lost the battle. You must know what you're up against, boy! You must know! I can't wait, it's your turn now!"
From this then we are given to understand that one of the Five, I guess the Caleb -- helpfully named Caleb, apparently -- is also some kind of notary? He signs off on the battle and then... No, you know what? I bet it's a Pact. I bet Caleb (or whoever "he" is) never signed some kind of document, some Mephistophelean paperwork, that continues or destroys or reboots or redirects or otherwise amends the Curse. Find the Infernal Contract and destroy it? Or sign it to save the Five? Or maybe bind them with the Pact, when you think you're freeing them with it, which is something that happened about eleven times on Secret Circle, meaning that it seems legit.
That's my very specific and insightful guess about what is happening: Paperwork, which is either good or bad. Or probably -- like most things in Ravenswood -- it is neither, and just kind of weird. And this amulet, which is actually just a key like you could get made at Home Depot for less than a dollar, will take you ... wherever these sorts of things are filed. Whatever municipal office holds jurisdiction over that sort of documentation.
MIDNIGHT SOCIETY
Remy, immediately: "Oh, did I not mention that under our high school there is an entire buried County courthouse? I used to smoke pot down there in ninth grade to deal with my mom problems."
Caleb: "Sweet so you figure this key goes to that? That County courthouse that is buried under our high school where you used to smoke pot?"
Remy: "Right?"
OUR TOWN
Tess: "Maybe Luke dropped out yet again because of me?"
Ben: "He didn't specifically say anything like that..."
Luke: "Sorry I'm late! I had to drop out of the play eleven more times on the way here and take my bike to the shop and then sit on the curb crying my eyes out for a while."
Tess: "I have a question. Why did you change your mind?"
Luke: "This play is relevant to the issues through which I am currently working."
Tess: "Does Olivia know you're here?"
Luke: "That's two questions."
Tess: "Even when you're being cute, you're still a jerk."
MURDER OFFICE
Miranda: "Through here is the murder office where he keeps murder things."
Olivia: "Remind me how doors work?"
Miranda, verbatim: "You need to see this knife."
Why? Why does she need to see the knife? Will she be able to Dexter Morgan with her mind to prove Uncle Collins murdered her dad, like because of the angle of various cuts in his body? "It had to be a shiny scythe knife wielded by a Dracula because of blood-spatter patterns I remember from the crime scene. Just had to be."
Miranda: "Oh, and also don't touch anything. He can tell if you've breathed in here. Although not if you ghost-breathed. I was standing right there, also not seeming to care that newspapers were crawling around on the table of their own accord. Good thing The Grunwald is off work today. I saw her sail off through the air on a king-sized bed after twisting one of the knobs in a certain way, it was the damndest thing."
REHEARSAL
Luke: "People got married young in Olden Times. They went on like one date."
Tess: "Mr. Price says they're 'old souls, wrapped in innocence.'"
Luke: "Wow, he's a piece of work."
Tess: "I guess they had to keep moving because of all the ways you could die back then. Like have you ever played Oregon Trail?"
Luke: "No, we were born in the late '90s."
And with that, reader, she smooches him. He jumps back like she grabbed his crotch, and she realizes that this is exactly what people are whispering about when they whisper about her being a garbage person.
Luke: "WTF? You gotta give a girl a second."
Tess: "I just thought... Actually, I have no excuse. I am kind of melting down."
Luke: "It's okay, I'll just have a quick cry."
Tess: "Look, when we get married in the play we can just shake hands or something."
Luke: "No, you're right. Let's rehearse up to that point and then try kissing again."
Then, a most wondrous thing happens.
Tess, verbatim: "This is 'honey-roasted penis' all over again."
Luke: "Excuse me?"
Tess, one more time because I rewound it: "This is 'honey-roasted penis' all over again."
Tess: "Do you really not remember seventh grade? I had a mouth full of metal plus a lisp. We were at the Spring Carnival -- which was of course held in a graveyard -- I ordered a bag of nuts, and... Welcome to my new nickname for a year."
Luke: "No offense but that is hilarious."
Tess: "All right, buddy."
Luke: "Honey-roasted penis honey-roasted penis honey-roasted penis. It's like I didn't even know what living was, until right this second."
So excited is Luke by the #honeyroastedpenis -- which instantly started trending because the TV Gods are fickle but when they give, they give in abundance -- that he kisses her right back. Tess realizes maybe she doesn't need Olivia anymore to get into awesome parties, and Luke simultaneously remembers he has a girlfriend. Who may or may not have a connection to the dark side, but for sure knows where to find a gun.
DEPARTMENT OF MURDER
Olivia: "So far I see jars of hearts, and... Oh, this drawer is filled with jars of hair."
Miranda: "What kind of hair?"
Olivia: "Dead kid hair. Every drawer has five jars of five dead kids, of their hair. Like this one, they're all 1992, and..."
Miranda: "AW. Abby Wheeler."
Miranda awesomely starts opening the drawers with ghostly ESP very fast, jerking those hair-jars all around. Olivia is weirded out! But also loves it. Today she is wearing a long braid over one shoulder, like half of a Bad Seed; she is wearing a dress with doily dickey also, which is one of those things Olivia can weirdly pull off.
Miranda: "Here it is, see? This lonely one in this drawer says 'My Stupid Niece I Didn't Even Like, 2013.'"
Olivia: "What do you think that's about, I wonder?"
Miranda: "It is about me going ham!"
This is because -- and bear with -- it's insulting that he would do everything he could to not be her uncle, and then be mean to her when she showed up (and then let her stay in his house and give her presents and mementoes, and a home to her only friend who is just some random boy) and then once she was dead, keep a lock of her hair. I don't know Miranda is holding it together very well at all at this point, but I do know she is very offended by him having her hair-jar.
So then she poltergeists the place all to pieces and teleports into the graveyard, where Uncle Collins is doing spooky math behind a tree.
"He thinks he can rip me apart and shove me in a cabinet?" is the best thing she utters at this time, but her whole breakdown takes quite a while, all things considered, and continues on long after she's gone. Or the mean ghost that bosses all the other ghosts is doing it at this time? Either way Olivia is weirded out, but also it seems like something she would like to try some time. Just go full-on Paige McCullers on a room full of knives and jars.
THE BURIED COURTHOUSE OF LOST CHILDREN
Remy is wearing a beautifully cut tweed suit jacket in the ugliest colors imaginable, and a sweater with an artsy-craftsy hand-stitched owl on it. I don't know that I even needed to specifically say that. Probably when you I said Remy you imagined that sweater before I even described it. Remy is kind of like if Urban Outfitters was your best friend from one grade up, and drives a cool car and knows all the best bands and has a 'zine and a vegetarianism and likes to take you to graveyards to investigate spooky mysteries all the time. "Get in the car, it's time to patrol. And put that cigarette out. You're not impressing anybody."
Caleb: "The first thing you learn in Rosewood is how to pick a lock. I got this."
Remy: "Oh, here is exactly the room that fits your mean uncle amulet key."
Caleb: "And the exact filing cabinet even!"
Remy: "Did I tell you that down here was also the jail?"
Then the door slams shut! Ghost jail becomes real jail! Locked inside with Urban Outfitters the Person! The perfect situation.
REHEARSAL
Ben: "Ghosts over here in the graveyard. Move your ghostly butts! Tess, come on!"
Tess: "I was too busy smiling at my new friend that I recently kissed."
Luke: "Wait, what's going on? I was thinking about what to cry about later."
Miranda: "I guess I can get out of the graveyard now. Have you seen Caleb?"
Luke: "Ixnay on the uddensay eing-herebay. I am not into your ghost bullshit. I am in a play about it instead. I have incorrectly determined that joining Theatre Club is a way to be popular and cool, and if I talk to you, they will think I am crazy. And if theatre kids think you're crazy? Rest assured that's as crazy as people are wont to get. Get lost."
Lilah: "Miranda? Miranda, over here. Miranda, I'm a ghost so I'm sitting in the ghost section of this rehearsal. Come chill with me."
They glow at each other. It's pretty embarrassing. I don't wanna talk about it.
BACKSTAGE
Midnight Society: "Psst, Luke. Hey Luke. C'mere, Luke."
Luke: "You guys bust on out of here. I have to devote my time to my craft."
Olivia: "But I found a jar!"
Remy: "And Caleb's random uncle gave us a magic box we found in a filing cabinet in a secret buried county courthouse under this very high school. We gotta open it!"
Luke: "All of you go to hell. I am doing this play, I don't have time for your witchery."
Midnight Society: "Luke, shit's heating up with our witchery. Where is Miranda?"
Luke: "Glowing onstage. You don't want to see it, trust me. It will bum you out."
While Tess discusses her character's relationship with her fictional mother, Miranda and Lilah have a conversation that is mostly glowing, not so much talking, which thank God, and then take off for who knows where. Here, there, perhaps the market.
Then the stage tries to murder Luke, because he went five minutes without crying and the universe is out of balance. Caleb throws himself on Luke's body and they tussle for a while before they remember everybody is staring at them, and then Caleb is like, "Blood in blood out, bro. Midnight Society is back in session."
BEAUMONT
Remy: "I got you some water from the fridge. It is just regular water. Caleb took the magical box back to his carriage house rather than opening it when we were all together a second ago."
Luke: "Hey I kissed Tess today. We were having a private rehearsal."
Remy: "You mean like you acted like you were kissing her?"
Luke: "I mean like she is desperation personified and if I tell her to shut the fuck up about ghosts she will actually do it. I want to be with somebody I can boss around, not somebody who goes glamorous goth places with Caleb Rivers all day every day."
He has some kind of epiphany that his father is dead, which whatever, and then says a more valid thing, which is that if he is Cursed to die by the Raven5wood Curse, why not enjoy life instead of hanging around with three people plus one ghost who literally that's all they ever talk about.
He is actually right. They are not a good fit, because Remy is proactive but also because the Midnight Society pushed him only far enough into the country of believing that he now feels expatriated from all countries. They did not pull him all the way across, so now he just feels gross all the time. This explains a lot, particularly the crying.
Simon Beaumont: "I am okay with you guys dating now, randomly. Do you want to rent a movie and watch it downstairs where we can make sure you're not rubbing your foreheads together?"
Remy: "Actually, Luke's gonna be rubbing his own forehead from here on out."
Luke: "Is there a way we can get through this? Specifically where I'm not the asshole?"
Remy: "Uh, no? Because you are in fact the asshole here?"
Luke: "Yeah, that's what I thought."
Simon: "Did you make him leave because of me? Because I am totally okay now for no reason."
Remy: "No, he had somewhere to be. Somewhere called Being a Muggle Who is Going to Die."
UNCLE COLLINS!
Caleb: "One question! Why do you have pieces of her!?"
Collins: "What's this now?"
Caleb: "Jars of pieces of Miranda! We are onto you. Including her!"
Collins: "Including Miranda? That we personally put in a hole last week?"
Caleb: "And where is she now? What did you do with her?"
Collins: "You are talking like The Grunwald, but loud. Make sense."
Caleb: "Why are you a collector! What are you collecting for!"
Collins: "Look, if this is quote 'the shape your grief has taken'..."
Caleb: "I am not acting nuts! You are acting nuts! Don't shrink my head, you! You probably shrink heads too and put them in jars!"
Collins: "You're touching my shit like you've been here before."
Caleb: "Why are the hair-jars all missing?"
Collins: "Stay the fuck out of my stuff, little wolf."
Caleb: "Oh yeah well maybe I will move out! Maybe I won't impose on you, a total stranger, for my food and my house and my job and my Jeep! How about THAT!"
Collins: "No, wait, stop, please. Please don't stop eating my food and taking my money and going through my shit and accusing me of who knows what. Anything but that."
Caleb: "You cannot be that sarcastic and also have that haircut! It is too much at once!"
He slams the door and runs up the stairs of the carriage house and he gets so mad at the magical box that he kicks it almost under the sofa! Boy that Caleb is mad. But then it pops open and what is inside, we won't find out until week. What do you think is in there? (Here, there, perhaps the market.)
Or else it is a contract that he needs to read very fucking hard. Or in this case I guess send a fax of it to Spencer Hastings on her facsimile machine so she can read it to him very fucking hard and explain to him whether it is good or bad.
And so -- as "Lilah" ushers her "daughter" Miranda through a great heavy beautiful ornate door and into what appears to be Sephora -- we are left with many questions. But my number one question this week is, what if Caleb stayed in Rosewood and this show was about Toby Cavanaugh? That is the funniest thing I have thought about all week. Toby writing Spencer an email about Raven5wood, imagine that shit alone.
Dear Spencer, I can't believe this but I kind of miss living with Jenna Thing. At least she was blind and you could see her coming, but this is the opposite. Like being surrounded by a hundred Jenna Things at all times to which you are yourself blind.
In love and fear, and sometimes the A-Team, Your Toby.
Toby just shuffling around the carriage house, creeping out passersby as he pulls weeds and trims roses and cares for the estate. Toby and Luke are making more and more intense, grimacing sad-faces at each other, in utter silence. Toby's toting gravestones around shirtless, wearing his do-rag; Toby being defended from jeering spiteful children by the towering Remy Beaumont. Toby and Olivia trying to figure out each other on a basic level of like, "What even are you." Toby asking Tess to Spring Formal, which is held in a graveyard, and getting his ass beat by Springer all over town. Toby and The Grunwald are having psychic crazy-eyes silent conversations over the slurping of tea. Uncle Collins instinctively knowing that Toby will give him a hug if he needs a hug, or a quote on a remodel if he needs that more.
WEEK
Caleb doubts that Miranda's in Heaven, and everybody tries to get back with their normal significant others, but then apparently everything goes so crazy that even The Grunwald is worried, and there are spooky twins and dead bodies behind walls, and then somebody does something with Caleb's eyeball. Winter Finale, you are a fool for taking away what my heart loves most.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Homeland, Hostages, Ravenswood, and Masters Of Sex for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.