Previously: Ben got sicker. But then he got better. Michael and Debbie made up. Justin tried one last time to get Brian to spend a night with him. Brian bailed, so Justin made out with Ethan.
Ted's House of Creepy. He's got himself an assistant now, named Eddie, who's just the most earnest thing you've ever seen. "Sure thing, Mr. Schmidt!" and all that bullshit. He's helping Ted deliver props and toys as Ted watches his sex lair from his throne. Michael and Brian walk slowly through the poorly lit warehouse, watching the different rooms of sex as Ted shouts out orders. "That's it, Prison Cell! Really give it to him! Remember he's in for ten years hard labor!" There are more bad sex jokes, but I'll spare you. Brian catches Michael and pulls him back just as Michael walks in front of the camera. Ladies and Gentlemen, there was almost a moment of pure emotion on Gale's face. He quickly wiped it off with his thumb and forefinger, though, before any permanent damage was done. That's how he keeps his face so wrinkle-free. We're subjected to a merman giving head (but they hide the good parts from us, so we have to stare at a fin in blue light as Ted makes noises. What torture!). "Keep it liquid," says Ted, but I'm not sure what that means. Michael asks if he can ask a question. Ted says, predictably, "Shoot!" Followed by, "Not you!" Lame! Hal Sparks tries to act around the line, "How do you get any work done with all these hot, horny guys surrounding you?" He can't say it without an eye-roll just to let us ladies know that he's still straight, and still lookin' for hetero love. Brian says that if he worked there, he'd have a permanent boner. "Thought you already did!" Michael says, practically flinging himself onto Brian's dick again. Ted props his hands behind his head and boasts that his job is a dream come true. "I can guess what kind of dream," Michael says. Fire these writers, please. Please! There are no more jokes. Just kill the jokes and make this a drama, please. Please. Pretty please. Pretty please with cum on top. Brian calls Ted a loser, a reject, and a putz. Then he calls him the luckiest guy in the world. Then he touches something nasty and has to wipe his hand. Ew! It's some kind of washcloth! This show is so gross! Then Brian throws the washcloth on Ted's shoulder and Ted touches it! You can't touch any washcloth on this show! Brian says he has to go back to work because he's got a new account: baby wipes. Finally, Brian gets to tap into that lucrative gay baby market. We all know the kind of disposable income Gus has, what with the weeks he's been staying in his own hotel room on vacation somewhere. Ted recoils at the mere mention of babies, the goo that squeezes out of pussy zits. Oh, man. I totally just grossed myself out. This show makes me so nasty. But Ted really does hate all things labial. Michael complains that his job is just a bunch of unpacking and filing. Oh, wah. Go file your dream, Mike. Ted boasts that his job is so cool, and that he's just the best damn person and everything is fucking roses. Like, for a really long time, calling Michael and Brian total losers. And what's with Eddie? I hope Ted's going to have sex with him, because otherwise he's just a waste of an earnest Jesus-like character. Someone slap Ted.
Justin and Ethan sittin' in a futon. Justin has to say this cheesy line: "You know you make love like you play your violin?" He jams you under his chin and then rubs you back and forth while staring at his hand? Oh, God. Then Ethan starts saying that Justin is like an instrument. The skin flute. "First I tune you," he says. Run, Justin. "And then I stroke you with my bow. And then I make beautiful sounds pour out of you." And then I don my beret and write another spoken-word piece about the injustices of the garbage disposal system my mom recently had installed in the main kitchen. Justin gives a big, happy sigh. Then Justin remembers his boyfriend and his rent-free bitchin' loft and announces he has to go. He pulls on his pants. Ethan watches, and asks Justin if he has big plans for tonight. Justin says he's got a date with a copier, since he's making fliers for that Rage comic nobody cares about. How is it possible that Justin's gotten even skinnier over the past two years? He's turning into a seven-year-old. Ethan suggests that they work together, one fiddling while the other peddles. Justin already did the peddling thing. His boyfriend had to start paying his tuition so he'd stop. Ethan tells Justin that it might be nice to wake up together some morning and watch the sunrise instead of Justin always leaving at night. Nice try, Ethan. But do you have poppers? That's Justin's favorite breakfast. Justin leaves without a response.
Straight guys like bowling. So Debbie's out with her straight boyfriend and his straight friends as they bowl like straight men. One straight guy's girlfriend coos and kisses him when he gets a strike. Horvath asks Debbie why he didn't get "one of those" when he got a strike. Debbie says she doesn't know, and asks the girl why she didn't give Horvath one of those when he got a strike. Y'all, I almost laughed. Horvath pulls Debbie in and tries to kiss her, but Debbie pushes him away and nervously says it's her turn to bowl. Maybe she did turn gay over the past ten years, just like everybody had been warning. The guy in the lane is an Emmett lookalike. Debbie, of course, has to tell him he's got nice balls. As Debbie celebrates her strike, the other straight guys start prancing around, making fun of the gay couple in the lane. Because, as we have learned by now, all straight people hate gays. Why would anyone even move to Gaysburgh, anyway? Horvath is very uncomfortable as his friends all mock the people to them. Mostly he's uncomfortable because he knows Debbie's about to stick them with her P-FLAG. She says there are a lot of really great gay bowlers. That really comes from nowhere, because it's not like he was knocking the notion of a gay bowler. He asks her to name one. She says they have a gay bowling team in Pittsburgh called the Liberty Balls. We all have to laugh at that lame name. Debbie says the Liberty Balls will bowl strikes around those homophobes. I smell a good ol' fashioned bowling match! Someone call Lenny and Squiggy! Looks like they'll be needed for a comedy montage! This Friday night. "Cops against the queers," someone names it. Debbie says the Liberty Balls will kick the cops' asses. The cop promises her friends won't be anywhere near his ass. Debbie hates her boyfriend.
Hey, now. Lindsay gets to have an orgasm. Mel just gave it to her. We never get to watch the girls have sex. I hate that. I think they keep that room pretty cold. Mel's still licking as Lindsay starts up a conversation, saying she thought it'd never be like this again. Mel climbs back up to Lindsay's head, saying that Leda gave them a jumpstart. She holds Lindsay's nipple and says she's glad the threesome happened because it made her realize that no matter how bad things are going, or how dry the dry spell, Lindsay's the only girl Mel's ever wanted. They kiss and grind some more. Then Leda -- who's never ever heard of knocking, apparently -- just walks right into the room. "Hey, girls," she says to Mel's ass. Mel rolls off of Lindsay and the two of them sit up. Leda says she heard the floorboards squeaking, so she thought since all of them were still up they could have a slumber party. "Just us girls!" she whispers, and starts kissing them. Then, from the depths of the basement in a trunk they've marked "Winter Plotlines," Gus begins to cry. Both women kick into Mommy Mode and run from the room to check on their child.
Eddie sits and cleans penises. I really wish that was the last sentence I ever had to type about this show. Ted's thanking the actors and handing out paychecks. "Thanks for a good day's jerk!" he says. Maybe Ted's taking that "Jerk at Work" idea so seriously that he's decided to be a Jerk at Work. I'm ignoring the lame jokes here about a bunch of Roman gods and some guy named Stanley. "I don't get it, Mr. Schmidt," Earnest Eddie says after all the studs have left the stable. He's even got glasses, y'all. Do they have a Cliché Handbook that they just rip pages from and tape to the script? Eddie asks why Ted thinks this is a dream come true if he doesn't even look at the guys when they're all around. (Eddie says this while gesturing with giant black dildos.) Ted says he wanted to match the paycheck with the right cock. Eddie points out that the other night they had "Dueling Dicks: Twenty hours of non-stop J/O action." He says it was one of the porn events of the century, but Ted just sat at his desk working instead of watching it: "Didn't look up through the whole thing! Not once!" Eddie holds up the dildo on the word "once," and for real, I wonder why we watch this show. Eddie can't believe that Ted would want to do books and paychecks when guys are jacking off all over the place. Golly, gee wilikers, Mr. Schmidt. Eddie, dude, it was twenty hours long. Nothing is interesting for twenty hours in a row. Ted says this is work and he's the boss so he has to maintain a professional demeanor. He says that he loved every minute of it. Eddie decides to go home, but he says it in the porn way ("Well, if you don't need me for anything else...mind if I take off?"), but Ted doesn't ask him to take off his pants or help him with a boner, so poor Earnest Eddie has to leave without making a deposit. He just left a bucket of wet dildos in the middle of the room, by the way. Eddie leaves and Ted's alone. Ted muses for a minute and a half and then cues something up on his computer. It launches some porn on another screen. Ted watches. Nothing happens. Just like this season. We watch. Nothing happens. Ted finally shuts it off and stares at nothing for another five minutes.
Brian just installed an overhead desk spotlight and spinny cam, so they show it off to us. It doesn't make watching Brian drink wine and work on the baby wipes campaign any sexier. Justin comes home and says that Brian's working late. Brian says that one of the perks of being partner is getting to do the work that other people fuck up. "You asked for it," Justin sing-songs. "Yeah. And I got it," Brian says. He asks where Justin's been. Justin looks down and lies, "Studying." He shows Brian the Rage poster he made. Brian says he was supposed to do the marketing campaign on the comic. Justin says that Brian was too busy. Oh, really? Did you ask him? Asshole. Brian tries to pull Justin in for a kiss, but Justin says he needs to take a shower because he stinks. "From studying?" Brian asks. Justin laughs, thinking about the smell of Ethan's balls, and says, "Sweating over a project."
Justin's in the shower, scrubbing furiously. Brian walks into the shower with him. "You scared me," Justin says. "Relax," Brian replies. "It's not that kind of a shower scene." And then, just like that, it is. Justin tells Brian he thought Brian had all kinds of work to do. Brian says he's never too busy for Justin. Psych! He totally didn't say that. You should see the look on your face. Brian and Justin start kissing. Justin stops and says a shaky "Brian?" But then he chickens out and says nothing. Justin turns around and Brian pulls a condom from the shower condom caddy that apparently they've invested some real money into. Justin's hand slides down the shower Titanic-style. Man, we have to watch every single second of Brian and Justin fucking, but we get no Melanie and Lindsay action. I can't help worrying about Justin's ass from his long night of action.
Hey! It's Gus! Mel and Lindsay are wearing winter coats, so yeah, I guess they got Gus out of that box. They're walking him in a stroller, saying that Gus saved them from having to do another tedious threeway. They scoff at the nerve Leda has for thinking she just gets to have sex with them whenever she wants, and not when they decide. Lindsay suggests that they put a lock on the door. Mel says it was a one-time thing. Lindsay says the threesome was spontaneous and she doesn't know how it happened. She tells Mel to tell Leda it'll never happen again. She says that Mel's much better at rejecting people. Mel is insulted. Lindsay says that Mel's good at telling solicitors they gave at the office, and complaining about bad service. Mel says this is harder than telling the Salvation Army to take a hike. She says that Leda's a "dear friend" (who says that?) and that she's renovated the attic for the studio, not to mention gave pretty good head. Lindsay says that the obvious solution is to wait until the studio is finished, whereupon they'll kick her out because they only had a deal until the studio was done. Then Leda will have to leave. Not one car ever drives in Pittsburgh. Have you guys noticed that? Gus is looking at us again.
Michael and Justin staple Rage posters to walls of buildings. Justin is suddenly distracted when he hears the scratchy fiddles of his adulterous theme song. Is it possible that only Justin can hear Ethan? Maybe Ethan isn't really there at all. Justin licks his lip and tells Michael that they'd poster much faster if they split up. He says he'll go do the other side of the street. "Good idea," Michael says, wondering if he's going to change his name or keep it once Ben dies and Justin goes away. Michael Kinney. It sounds just as good as it always has to him.
Justin runs right up to Ethan. They stand way too close. Ethan says that business is slow, but that one devoted fan has shown up. "Thanks," Justin smiles. That's not a compliment. Besides, Ethan was talking about Homeless Bertha, the trash can lady who dances to Ethan's music. Justin shows Ethan the Rage posters. He says he's hoping to sell enough to pay for tuition year. I guess he's planning on charging a whole lot of dough for them. Ethan says, "Well, you never know. I hear the guys who did X-Men made a fortune." Really? You don't say. Ethan asks Justin if he wants to go get a latte. Justin says he has to finish postering. Oh, and he's out with his boyfriend's best friend. Ethan says that they could go see a movie later this week. He asks if Justin likes French films. "Never been to one," Justin smiles. Bullshit. Between Daphne and Emmett, Justin's surely seen an Amélie or two. Ethan calls Justin a peasant and says they'll go see Jules and Jim later this week. It's a movie about two men in love with the same woman, but since her name isn't in the title Ethan's pretty sure they're in love with each other. Justin gets all serious and says, "It's hard enough loving one person." Ethan adds that if you're the one that both are in love with, you get to break two hearts. And that's one to grow on. Justin and Ethan mug down as Michael watches from close by. Dunh-dun-DUHH!!!
Ted drowns his sorrows in a tiny drink. Brian walks over and asks Porn King what he's doing amidst the serfs. "Fuck off," Ted says. "Now, is that nice?" Brian asks. "Here I am actually giving you the time of day and all you can do is level a rather pedestrian curse at me." Brian starts to leave, but Ted asks him to stay. He offers Brian a drink. "Couple of Dewars!" Ted shouts to nobody. Ted tells Brian that the "unthinkable" has happened. Brian plays newscaster and suggests that perhaps Ted woke up this morning to find he'd been turned into a giant vagina. "Worse," Ted says. "I'm immune." "To penicillin?" Brian asks. "To clever literary references?" he tries again. "To porn!" Ted shouts. Oh, that is serious. Brian has to light a cigarette, it's so bad. Wait, no he doesn't. Just listens to Ted complain about how porn does absolutely nothing for him anymore. "Too much of a good thing," Brian offers, still not lighting his cigarette. He finally lights it as Ted says that he's seen all of his fantasies fulfilled, live and uncensored, right before his very eyes, over and over and over again. He says he might need to lay off for a while and give it a rest. Brian suggests that Ted stop watching and actually try having sex instead. He asks Ted what his most secret sexual fantasy is. Ted says he'll never tell Brian that. Brian starts to leave, telling Ted to live out the rest of his days in sexual purgatory. Ted pulls Brian back, takes a shot, and whispers his super-secret fantasy into Brian's ear, lest an errant waiter or we hear what they're discussing. "I may have seriously underestimated you, Theodore," Brian says.
Bowling. Who the fuck knows what day it is. How's Ben? Guess he's fine. Emmett just bowled, but he's no Liberty Ball. For real, they tell him he bowled in the wrong lane. How is that still a bowling joke? Michael tells Debbie that this bowling tournament is the worst idea she's ever had. Well, after having sex with a drag queen and then lying to her illegitimate son about it for thirty years. She says she couldn't let the cops get away with making fun of gay bowlers. "We do," Brian-the-ever-present says. By the way, this is the biggest collection of ugly shirts I've ever seen. Lindsay eats from a bag of Lays (GET IT!?!? LAYS!!!) and says they just need more practice. "Practice makes perfect," Vic says. Brian gets a strike, causing Justin to note that Brian is already perfect. "Glad you think so," Michael snits. Emmett says that after a bit more practice, he'll be perfect, too. Ben tells him to work on his follow-through. Lindsay bowls a strike. Ben tells Emmett that the ball goes where his hand goes. Zen bullshit and blah, blah, blah. Ben gets a strike. Debbie tells Ben that he's on the team. She kicks Emmett right off. Emmett isn't very happy about that. Michael puts on that preachy voice and says, "He just got out of the hospital!" Michael thinks it's way too soon for Ben to do something as strenuous as lower a ball to the floor and roll it in a straight line. Get back to bed, Ben! You're going to hurt yourself from all that repetitive breathing! I guess Michael's not letting Ben have sex, either. That shit ain't right. I think Brian's wearing shoulder pads as he says, "You hear that, Professor? No more heavy butt action!" Debbie says it's her job to be the mother hen. Michael: "He's not bowling, and that's final." Emmett sasses that he's on the team no matter what Debbie wants. Debbie makes a bemused sigh of resignation that normally goes along with the noise, "Wee-waa-waa-waaaaaahhhhhh!" Hey! Girl behind Debbie? We don't wear those kinds of ponytails anymore. You look like an actual pony. Lower that shit down a notch before you end up a cheerleader.
Outside the bowling alley. I smell a rumble! The cops walk up. Debbie asks if Horvath is checking out the competition. Horvath makes some creepy comment about liking what he's checking out. Then he says hello to Vic to let us know he's down with the gays. Then why the competition? Michael cautiously watches his mother flirt with Horvath. Debbie says she can't really kiss Horvath since Michael's around. Horvath asks if they can go out for a drink. Debbie says she has to hang with her friends because they're strategizing for the game. Horvath says he won't keep her any longer, considering what an expert she is in games. "Pardon?" she asks. Horvath is tired of Debbie rejecting his advances over and over again. "Forget it," he says. He says he knows how to read people, and she's coming through loud and clear. "Well, I wish you were," she says. Horvath says she keeps shooting him down. He says if it wasn't this, she'd be stuffing envelopes for P-FLAG or marching for gay rights or some other distraction that would keep her from getting real and really getting close to Horvath. "That's bullshit," Debbie says. "You don't even know me." "Who do we have to thank for that?" he asks her. He walks away. Aw. Stranded at the bowling alley. Branded a fool. What will they say Monday at school?
Horvie!
Can't you see?
I'm a dumb Debbie!
You're a cop
I make you stop
'Cause Ben has HIV.And Michael's grown!
All alone
I sit and wonder
Why, yie, yie, fucking why?
You like me?
Oh, Horvie.Oh, Horvie!
Maybe!
Someday!
When Season Three is done,
Somehow, some way
Our plotlines won't be dumb.
In reruns!
Forever!
And ever we will see.
Oh, please.
Did I mention my son was gay?
Oh, Horvie.Horvie, my darlin',
You hurt me real bad.
My eyeshadow's blue.
But Horvie,
You gotta believe me when I say
Fucking shit cocksucking bitch too.And Vic's just fine!
But he's not mine!
I date just drag queens
Why, yie, yie, fuck, why
I'm lonely? Oh, Horvie.Horvie.
HOOOOOOORVIE!!!Why, yie, yie, yie.
I need more blush.
Ben and Michael are getting into bed. Ben: "You're making too big a deal." Michael: "Too big a deal? You practically DIED!" But luckily Ben hasn't lost a single pound in that week-long hospital stay during which his pancreas shut down or whatever happened. Still has thighs of steel. Michael says he still wakes up in the middle of the night to listen to Ben breathe. Does Michael live with Ben now? Did that happen and I've just forgotten? How does Emmett keep that apartment all to himself, now that he tossed his millions into the shitter? Ben says Michael can bench his ass if it's that important. Michael says he has to worry about everyone. He worries about Vic, Ted, Emmett, Brian, and Justin. Ben asks if he worries about what hot trick Brian and Justin will fuck . Michael moans that he saw Justin kissing some guy. Ben says he kisses guys all the time. "You do?" Michael says over-actingly. Ben says he kisses them hello and goodbye and stuff. Michael gives Ben a soul kiss and says that's the kind of kiss he saw Justin give some guy. I hope he pulls out some dolls and shows Ben what kind of touch he saw Justin give the other boy, too. On his wee-wee. Ben realizes he's not getting any sex, so he asks Michael if Justin knows Michael saw him. Michael says that he was across the street. He asks if he should tell Brian. "Absolutely not," Ben says. Michael asks if this is Rule #2 of gay etiquette: never tell your best friend that you saw his boyfriend cheating on him. What's with this "gay etiquette" stuff? Are they trying to start a catchphrase? Ben says that if Michael's wrong, Brian will be furious. "And if I'm right?" Michael asks. "He'll be even furiouser." Them there's some good speakin', right there. Michael bitches that he loses either way, since there's no way Brian would end up going home with Michael. Ben complains that Michael's going to sit up and worry all night long. Michael says it's genetic.
Chemical Brothers plays as we see Brian's shell bracelet. An arm lifts a bottle of Evian in slow motion. But what's this? It's not Brian; it's Ted, dressed as Brian. You can tell before we see his face by the oiled-down spiderleg chest hair. He takes a sip of water and spills the rest over his head. He shakes his head vigorously in slow motion. He does a popper. He walks over to the bed, where there's a man orgy going on. He climbs onto the bed and stands as the group of men start pulling off his clothes, sucking his body and going to town on him. Blue light special. Asses and arms. Heads and thighs.
"It was incredible," Ted tells Brian, presumably the day. "Boys behaved themselves?" Brian asks. "Misbehaved, is more like it," Ted says. Ted then keeps up this sycophantic stuff, talking about how awesome it was to be Brian, and how he just wants two of whatever it is that Brian's ordering. They're in Emmett's clothing shop, for some reason. Like Brian would buy clothes there. Ted gives Brian back his bracelet. Brian tells Ted to keep it quiet. Emmett watches. Brian leaves. Emmett asks Ted what's going on. Ted doesn't want to tell Emmett. "Since when do we keep secrets?" Emmett asks. Ted confesses that he borrowed it briefly: "Along with [Brian's] life." He says he wanted to know what it was like to be Brian. "Dish!" Emmett says.
The water bottle lifts again. This time when Ted drops it over his face he sputters and chokes. The popper burns his nose. He can't really get in on the orgy. He stammers and slides around. "You guys are slippery," he says. And that, ladies and gents, is the first real, honest laugh I've had for weeks with this show.
Ted tells Emmett that it was cold and meaningless. Emmett says, "Wow, you really were Brian." Ted says that was his all-time fantasy, and now that it's gone, he's got nothing left. I have been recapping this show forever. Emmett gives Ted a shirt to put on. He says that dreams wear thin after a while, and you need something more. Ted says he was hoping to find that with Gay Jesus. Em points out that Gay Jesus couldn't accept Ted for who he is. Em says that Ted will find it: "Love comes at the strangest time in the strangest ways." They stare at each other until WE GET IT, OKAY? Em puts his arm around Ted and tells him that he's handsome. They stare at each other FOREVER. WE. GET. IT.
Leda shows Lindsay and Mel the finished studio. They love it. It's perfect. Mel marvels at how the skylight lets in light from the sky. They're like, "Hey, thanks! Buh-bye!" Leda pours some wine and declares a toast: "To making art. To making your friends happy. And to making love." Lindsay and Mel barely toast. Leda's all, "Now let's christen these floors!" Mel tells Leda it's time to leave. Lindsay says she hates to see Leda go. Leda says she was thinking about turning their garage into guest quarters or a room for special friends to rent. Lindsay stops her before she starts going down on them again. She tells Leda that what happened was a one-time thing, and something they don't want to continue. Mel thanks Leda for everything: "We've really loved having you here." Leda is pissed off. "I, uh, understand," she says. Mel sighs and says that's a relief. Leda says, "First I renovate your attic and then I renovate your sex life. And then it's 'So long, Leda'?" Lindsay drinks her wine in one sip. Mel says that's not what they meant. "That's how it sounded," Leda says. She puts down her glass and marches off in the wrong direction.
Babylon. Men grab at each other. Music. Lights. Dancing. Michael wanders around looking for Brian. He finds him on the catwalk. He totally interrupts Brian's handjob. "Why aren't you at Ben's, taking care of the invalid?" Brian asks. Michael says that Ben's doing great. Then how come you won't let him do anything like go out with you and your real boyfriend? Brian shoos away his handjob boy. Michael asks where Justin is. Brian says that he's at home doing a project.
We see Justin "doing" his "project."
Michael, the giddy tattletale, says that he called Brian's house, but there was no answer. Brian says that Justin's probably out fucking some other guy. He figures Justin would do that, since he wanted to fuck everything that walked when he was Justin's age. Michael can't believe that it doesn't bother Brian to have Justin see other people. Why? Isn't that how Brian always feels about everything? Michael asks how Brian would feel if Justin started seriously seeing someone else frequently. Oh, just fucking come out with it, Michael. You're so pathetic.
The violin punctuates this conversation. We watch Justin and Ethan in a loving montage. Justin draws Ethan as he plays. Michael asks what if there was someone Justin was seeing that Brian didn't know about. "He doesn't owe me anything," Brian says, as Justin and Ethan mesh into each other. "What about the truth?" Michael asks. Yeah, they really care about the truth. Justin and Ethan keep making out, touching each other and holding hands as the violin keeps playing.
We watch Brian at Babylon but hear the violin come to a close as Justin's world changes from the blue-light anonymous bump and grind of Babylon to the solitary melody of the romantic violin.
Mel walks out as Leda guns up her motorcycle. Mel says it's great that Leda found another place so quickly. "Like you give a shit," Leda says. Mel says she does care a great deal. Leda calls her a proper, dignified, hypocritical bitch. Leda looks different in the light. She says she doesn't want to hear any more of Mel's problems. Mel says that she and Lindsay are a couple, so they don't have room for a third party, no matter how much they care for her. All is suddenly forgiven, and Leda says that seeing the two of them made her wish she could be a part of what they have, and that she's lonely. She says that Mel's lucky. Mel nods and tells Leda it's time to find someone of her own. "I might just do that, babe," Leda says. "I might just do that," she repeats for no reason. She hops on her bike and tells Mel to give Lindsay a sloppy soul kiss for her. She kisses Mel, puts on her helmet, and starts up the bike. Mel tells her to let them know where she's at. "Don't I always?" she asks. She takes off, taking her pretty boobies with her.
Lindsay bowls. It must be Friday! She leaves two pins. Everyone cheers. Horvath says she'll never make a dime store split. Horvath and Debbie trade flirty insults as everyone cheers Lindsay on. Lindsay finally screams for everyone to shut the fuck up. Good thing that baby's not around to hear such language. Just as Lindsay releases the ball, Horvath makes a coughing noise, causing Lindsay to gutter ball. The straights laugh. Lindsay curses. "Some of the greatest bowlers are gay," Horvath says. "Not in this bunch." Debbie tells Lindsay that it's not her fault, and that Horvath did it on purpose. Flirty banter. Flirty banter. Flirty banter. Horvath goes as the straights cheer and the gays make noises. Lindsay! Show him your tits! He knocks some pins down. Lindsay pouts. On his second release, Debbie fakes a sneeze, which fucks up Horvath's release. How did he not see that coming? Ben laughs. Horvath picks up the spare anyway. Brian says they might as well kiss this game goodbye. Debbie tells us they just have one frame left, and it's not over yet. It's up to Emmett, who has to bowl three strikes in a row to win the game. Man, this is so clichéd. Emmett almost bowls the wrong lane. So, Emmett pretends to hurt his wrist (but I don't think it's supposed to look like he's pretending. I think he was actually supposed to hurt his wrist). But then he's holding his wrist all limp, so it's really not doing any good for the gay bowlers. Debbie wants to make Ben be a substitution. She screams his name like he's down the street. Ben says he can't because of Michael. Michael says that Ben's not a loser, and the lovable scamp lets his burly boyfriend play ball. Be careful, Ben! That hand dryer might give you pneumonia! The straights complain, but Debbie comments on some baseball game where they had to take someone off the injured list and play instead. Horvath can't challenge because he doesn't know what she's talking about. Someone scoffs that they don't even know if Ben's gay. Ben and Michael mug down. "Oh. That'd be gay," some guy says off-camera. Best line ever delivered on the show, and the actor doesn't even get face time. Shame. Ben gets to play. Vic is proud of Debbie for her lying skills: the baseball player she mentioned happens to be their mailman. Debbie knows that straight guys don't always know their sports. Ben bowls a strike. EMF is playing. Can we go back to the present, please? Ben bowls another strike. Suddenly he falls to the ground, clutching his stomach. Okay, he doesn't. But he doesn't get a strike. After forever passes, there's still one pin standing. The spare won't be enough and the straights win! The straights win again! The straights win everything! "One fucking pin!" Debbie the Sore Loser shouts. She swears that year they're going to "ream their asses." "Let's stick to bowling, shall we?" Brian says. Horvath laughs at the ass joke. year? Everyone shakes hands.
Dejected Emmett sits alone. Nobody cares about his gimp wrist. Don't worry, Em. Wrists have a way of healing pretty quickly around these parts. Ted sits down to Emmett and gives him a pep talk. They sit there and fall in love. Well, it's Ted, so only Ted falls in love, and Emmett leaves so Ted can make another love collage in his armoire.
Woody's. Debbie toasts to the Liberty Balls. "Long may they hang," Vic says. This is a record for Vic being out of the house. Ted too, come to think of it. Everybody toasts, and the record scratches as Horvath walks into the joint. Debbie asks if he's come to gloat. He says he wanted to offer congratulations. He says the straights didn't win by much. "You guys are great," he says. Everyone loves him and calls him "Carl." Debbie runs after him. She says the winner should buy the loser a drink. Horvath looks around nervously. "Don't flatter yourself," she says. "Nobody here's interested in you." Pause. "Except me." They make out. Everybody has a mixture of disgust and happiness at the sight. Michael looks away and covers his eyes. "A straight kiss at Woody's," Emmett says. "That's gotta be a first." Ted says that people really do find love in the strangest places. Emmett asks Ted if he sees anybody here that he loves. Ted says it's too soon to tell. WE. GET. IT. Emmett's hand is wrapped in a towel. Because towels are known for their wrist-healing qualities.
Best exchange of the episode goes here, as Michael walks up to Brian at the bar. Michael: "I'm going to pretend I didn't just see my mother sticking her tongue down Horvath's throat." Brian: "Well, while you're at it, pretend she won't be blowing him later in the back of his patrol car." Michael can only give a squinty-eye response, which is the best line Hal's ever delivered. "It's too bad Justin couldn't be here tonight," Michael says bitterly. How nasty of him. Brian leaves. Ben asks Michael, "You told him, didn't you?" Michael nods, pleased. "He didn't seem to care," he says. Ben smiles.
Justin's still humming the song of Ethan's hummers as he flops into the loft. Brian's there. Justin says he thought Brian was bowling. Brian says the game is over and they lost. Justin tries to walk past him for a shower. Brian says that Justin's taking a lot of showers lately. He tries to kiss Justin. "Later," Justin says. "Now," Brian says. Justin asks if they can do this after he showers. "I like smelling you," Brian says. They start kissing. Pretty passionately. This is the most kissing they've ever done. Spinny cam's in full effect as they paw at each other, gripping and kissing, pulling and grabbing. Tongues and lips and heavy breathing. Yikes, that's hot. They fall to their knees as they rip off their clothes. Brian's on top of Justin. He swats Justin's hands away from his pants. He does it himself. He asks Justin if he likes it. Justin says he does. He pulls away from Justin. He sniffs and says, "Go shower. You stink." Brian walks away. Justin gets up. Blackout.
week it's the season finale. Ben wants to go to Tibet forever. Ted is lusting over Emmett. Justin loves Ethan. Ethan doesn't want to wait forever for Justin. "It's the television event of the summer," the announcer says. Did you know that? I sure didn't.