Bowling for Equality

Previously: Ben got sicker. But then he got better. Michael and Debbie made up. Justin tried one last time to get Brian to spend a night with him. Brian bailed, so Justin made out with Ethan.

Ted's House of Creepy. He's got himself an assistant now, named Eddie, who's just the most earnest thing you've ever seen. "Sure thing, Mr. Schmidt!" and all that bullshit. He's helping Ted deliver props and toys as Ted watches his sex lair from his throne. Michael and Brian walk slowly through the poorly lit warehouse, watching the different rooms of sex as Ted shouts out orders. "That's it, Prison Cell! Really give it to him! Remember he's in for ten years hard labor!" There are more bad sex jokes, but I'll spare you. Brian catches Michael and pulls him back just as Michael walks in front of the camera. Ladies and Gentlemen, there was almost a moment of pure emotion on Gale's face. He quickly wiped it off with his thumb and forefinger, though, before any permanent damage was done. That's how he keeps his face so wrinkle-free. We're subjected to a merman giving head (but they hide the good parts from us, so we have to stare at a fin in blue light as Ted makes noises. What torture!). "Keep it liquid," says Ted, but I'm not sure what that means. Michael asks if he can ask a question. Ted says, predictably, "Shoot!" Followed by, "Not you!" Lame! Hal Sparks tries to act around the line, "How do you get any work done with all these hot, horny guys surrounding you?" He can't say it without an eye-roll just to let us ladies know that he's still straight, and still lookin' for hetero love. Brian says that if he worked there, he'd have a permanent boner. "Thought you already did!" Michael says, practically flinging himself onto Brian's dick again. Ted props his hands behind his head and boasts that his job is a dream come true. "I can guess what kind of dream," Michael says. Fire these writers, please. Please! There are no more jokes. Just kill the jokes and make this a drama, please. Please. Pretty please. Pretty please with cum on top. Brian calls Ted a loser, a reject, and a putz. Then he calls him the luckiest guy in the world. Then he touches something nasty and has to wipe his hand. Ew! It's some kind of washcloth! This show is so gross! Then Brian throws the washcloth on Ted's shoulder and Ted touches it! You can't touch any washcloth on this show! Brian says he has to go back to work because he's got a new account: baby wipes. Finally, Brian gets to tap into that lucrative gay baby market. We all know the kind of disposable income Gus has, what with the weeks he's been staying in his own hotel room on vacation somewhere. Ted recoils at the mere mention of babies, the goo that squeezes out of pussy zits. Oh, man. I totally just grossed myself out. This show makes me so nasty. But Ted really does hate all things labial. Michael complains that his job is just a bunch of unpacking and filing. Oh, wah. Go file your dream, Mike. Ted boasts that his job is so cool, and that he's just the best damn person and everything is fucking roses. Like, for a really long time, calling Michael and Brian total losers. And what's with Eddie? I hope Ted's going to have sex with him, because otherwise he's just a waste of an earnest Jesus-like character. Someone slap Ted.