Previously: it totally doesn't matter.
We open in Babylon, with a comic-book theme. The screen breaks into squares as we watch mostly naked men dance rather poorly for this show's standards. You know, I just miss how sexy this show used to be. Now I have to wait for the sexy. It used to be just sexy all the time. Sexy and dirty and naughty. I miss that. So much. The film periodically speeds up to show just how long we've been watching naked boys dance poorly. The right side of the screen shows boxes of Justin drawing, having a good time with Michael. The mostly naked boys have a hard time ripping through the butcher paper they're dancing behind, and I worry about their muscle mass. Justin and Michael are watching the one good dancer in a neon green Speedo, and are using him as a model for Justin's drawing. The bartender tries to put a bottle of water down on Justin's drawing, but Michael says that the guy in the drawing is too hot to be a coaster. Justin says that everyone looks good when you're on Ecstasy. Michael says that Justin's drawing is almost a superhero, just without the cape and insignia. Justin draws a cape and adds an "E" to the chest. They've just drawn their first drug-inspired superhero. Bravo, boys. And uh, how much fun are you at parties? Drawing on coasters instead of participating in fun and/or games. Wait, then Justin asks if he should draw a cape, and Michael says that capes are "so last century." But he already told Justin to put him in a cape. Oh, whatever. Justin and Michael babble more druggie thoughts as they slur on about how hot their superhero's powers could be. Brian walks up and asks, "What are you girls all giggly about?" He sees the drawing and says that Justin can't have any more drugs. Ted busts in and asks if he can buy everybody another round of drinks. Booze and drugs. You'd think someone would learn a lesson about anything on this show. Ted brags that Emmett was nominated for a gay porn award. They all celebrate and can't wait to tell Emmett. Apparently, nobody remembers that the love of Emmett's life just died five minutes ago. Brian says it's always nice to be rewarded for your "hard" work. How many dick and fuck jokes can they make in forty-five minutes? It's getting so lame. Ted says it'll be nice to give Emmett some good news, "especially after all that he's been through." How is this going to make Emmett feel all better? Ted reads the letter aloud, because in a club filled with loud music, smoke, and lights, there's nothing easier than reading a letter or creating an art project. These guys need to start hanging out at coffee shops instead.
Ted finishes reading the letter to Emmett, who is appropriately in mourning. Emmett's been nominated for "Newcumer of the Year." I don't even smile while I watch this show anymore. I just have this blank face, waiting for something to surprise me or entertain me or something. Anything. It's like I'm watching the same bad episode over and over again. Emmett says it's very nice of them to nominate him. Ted thinks that Emmett's being ridiculous for not dancing around shaking his booty that a porn group nominated him for a Crystal Dick. Ted says he'll hire a limo to drive them to the awards ceremony. Emmett thanks Ted but politely declines, since he doesn't feel too much like celebrating, given that he just flew around the world with a dead boyfriend by his side. Ted has had enough of Emmett moping around the house for a day, and tells Emmett he can't just turn down the gay porno awards. Ted needs to be checked into someplace that can help him with his sex addiction. I really hope they address this. Ted tells Emmett he owes it to himself to get out and have some fun. Emmett says he might consider it if his boyfriend didn't just die while fucking him. Emmett says he's still trying to figure out what he's going to say at Pickle's funeral. Wait, they haven't had a funeral yet? When did he die? Has it only really been a day? Ted, back the fuck off of Emmett and let him be sad. Someone died, Ted. Get a grip on reality. Ted scoffs at the notion that Emmett would be allowed to speak at Pickle's funeral, but Emmett doesn't see what the problem is. Emmett says he wants everyone to know how wonderful Pickle was and what they shared. He says he still needs to say goodbye. He says he never really had the chance. Um, wasn't he flying in an airplane with Pickle's body for hours, talking to him? Ted says that Emmett should speak, then. Thanks, Ted, we were all waiting for you to weigh in before we made any decisions.
Diner. Justin and Brian are playing footsie with a fork and a spoon when Michael walks in, beaming. Michael says Brian and Justin look like shit. Brian asks why Michael doesn't as well. Michael says the drawing Justin made saved him. Even Justin's like, "Dude. It's a drawing on a coaster. You need to get some kind of life." Michael says the drawing is "fan-fucking-tastic," and Justin laughs that it's the drugs talking. Michael says it got him thinking. Brian makes a lame joke. Michael tells Brian that he's trying to have a conversation with Brian's boyfriend. Justin raises his eyebrows, unaccustomed to being described by that noun. Michael tells Justin that since Captain Astro got killed off (a minute ago), the world has been clamoring for another gay superhero. But there isn't one. So Michael suggests that he make a comic book with Justin. Brian makes another lame joke about Michael needing medication. Michael says that people make their own films, books, and screenplays, so why can't they make their own comic book? Justin says he doesn't know anything about comics. For a second, I stop listening, because it appears that a woman has walked into the diner, and I'm not sure if she's lost or she thinks she's an extra on a different television show. Michael says he's got a million stories, since he's been reading comic books his entire life but can't draw for shit. Justin can. Justin considers this, and says it could be cool. Michael asks if they can get together and "brainstorm." Justin says they could give it a try. Brian says, "Finally, you two boys will have something in common besides me. What a relief not to be the center of everyone's universe." Michael and Justin smile and shake their heads, so in love with the one who treats them the worst. Michael flies the coaster over to Justin and hits him in the head. Justin pretends to die. End of scene, for whatever reason. Why didn't they end that a full minute ago when we got it the third time?
Okay, get ready for this. Lindsay's leading Mel up to the attic, holding her hands around Mel's face so she can't see. This is exactly the same attic Mel and Lindz in which learned about Mee Maw Lezzie, but I don't think we're supposed to notice that. This attic's supposed to be in their house. Lindsay takes her hands off Mel's face and tells her to look around. Mel has to ask what she's looking at. Lindsay has chalked off spaces on the walls to indicate things she'd like to build. She wants to turn this attic into her own studio. Lindsay says all of this while holding her ass in her hands. I mean, she really curves her fingers up in there, holding each cheek in her hands as she smiles. Sometimes Lindsay talks like she's British. Mel is taken aback when she sees that Lindsay has also chalked out a skylight. She says she thinks it'll cost too much. There's a call from downstairs. "In the attic!" Mel shouts. "The studiooooo!" Lindsay yells more quietly, having Mel test out how it sounds. Lindsay says she knew money would be an issue, so she did research and priced all the materials. Mel says they'll have to hire plumbers, electricians, carpenters, and skylight people. Leda arrives with a fan belt, and offers to put it in herself. "Killer space," says Leda, and Lindsay brags that this is her new studio. "Cool!" Leda says. Mel asks Leda to price how much it would cost to do the renovations. "You know reno," she says. Leda looks around and says that a contractor would make it about ten. She says the word "guesstimate," which is my least favorite word in the world, mostly because it's not an actual word. Leda says you should always double your estimate, so it's probably around twenty. Mel whistles and pretty much tells Lindsay to give up on the dream. Leda says she could do the renovations herself. She needs a place to stay for a while, and in exchange for a couch, she could build the studio. Lindsay doesn't want a studio that badly, so as Mel says "yes," Lindsay says "no." She wants her studio to be her own personal, private space. She'd rather build it herself in order not to have the hands that were once inside her wife create shelves and install sinks. She thanks Leda for the offer, but no thanks. Mel asks when they're going to start accidentally losing fingers. Wait, when did they decide they could do this themselves? Mel's just willing to go along and build a studio with Lindsay because Leda offered to do it? Oh, let's just move on. Everyone else has abandoned the lesbians. We might as well, too.
The mock drawing of this superhero looks like a "B.C." comic. Michael and Justin are trying to come up with the basic storyline for their superhero. Justin suggests the plotlines for Spider-Man, Aquaman, and Superman. In the background, I'm pretty sure I can see Brian masturbating in his bed. Then he's putting on some shoes. Suddenly Justin pouts, "Well, maybe we should just forget it," since Superman has already been created. Such bad acting from Randy, here. Brian walks over to his treadmill as Justin complains that they've been thinking for hours. Michael says you can't rush a brilliant idea. They watch Brian start jogging on his treadmill. They decide they want someone who's hot and cold, with a sexy mind and fierce individualism. He's a cold-hearted ad exec by day and a defender of queers by night. So now they just have to come up with a name for Brian's superhero form. Have I mentioned yet that Yello's "Oh, Yeah" is playing in the background, which is forever associated with Ferris Bueler's Day Off and really can't be used for any other soundtrack ever? It is. Brian gets mad at his Walkman and throws it across the room, cursing. "The Fury?" Michael asks. "Pissed-Off Man," Justin whispers with a laugh. The film speeds up on Brian running as Michael realizes: "Rage." Chick! Chicka-chicka!!! Michael writes the word "Rage" to the drawing of someone that looks like Haagar the Horrible as Brian keeps running in double time.
Emmett is wandering through Pickle's mansion. Workers are taking statues and things out of the place. The head butler offers condolences to Emmett, and Emmett returns the sentiment. Emmett says he doesn't know how Pickle's going to manage up there without the butler. "He's in far more capable hands now," the butler says. Emmett asks if he can go get his things himself from Pickle's room, so he can be in there one last time. He asks if he can have Pickle's red cardigan to remember him by. "Jonathan! Go get Mr. Schickle's sweater!" we hear from the background. It's Mrs. Pickle. The butler leaves to get the sweater. Emmett apologizes for Mrs. Pickle's loss. She spits a venomous "I don't know how I'll manage to fill the void." She barks at someone to be careful with Pickle's valuable things. She excuses herself from Emmett, saying she has many things to do. Emmett says he can imagine, adding that when someone died back home, the women in his family would be cooking for days. Mrs. Pickle has never heard of this verb, "cooking." Emmett says when someone died in his family, they'd try to celebrate everything that person did in life, instead of mourning sorrowfully. He says that's what he'll try to do at Pickle's service. D'oh! Mrs. Pickle's not letting Emmett speak at the service. There will be important, rich, and famous people there, and she just can't get Emmett on the short list. She gives him Pickle's sweater. "Take it, along with your memories," she says. "I'm sure they'll give you great comfort." Emmett leaves as we watch Mrs. Pickle's face morph into a cobra's.
Okay, so Michael's shop is now filled with Justin's drawings. That boy works fast for a guy with a bum hand. Justin and Michael both want the Rage story to be different from any other comic book already out there. They want this one to have new stories. Rage has got to live in a gay world. He must have gay sex. He has to have lots of gay sex. This is obviously what a Cowlip storyboard meeting sounds like: "Okay, they're gay. Go with that." Michael says he was thinking about one storyline, but he doesn't know if it's stupid. Justin tells Michael that they're partners now, and that they need to trust each other to tell each other anything. Michael tells Justin he wanted Rage to save some kid's life after the kid gets bashed. Justin says he wanted to tell the story anyway, since nobody listens to him talk about his bashing. Justin says everybody pretends it didn't happen. Do they? Because I seem to remember Brian got "Gay of the Year" or whatever for it, and there were all kinds of protests and things. Justin says that this way, Rage can meet the love of his life. Michael says that Brian...I mean, "Rage" doesn't believe in love. "We'll let him think that," Justin says. And then they make out. They don't, but I'm just trying to put something into these drawn-out scenes. Michael pulls Justin's shirt over his head and sucks on his nipples. Justin scratches his fingers down Michael's back. His fingers dig into the flesh just above Michael's jeans and his thumbs hook into the beltloops. Justin exhales as Michael bites underneath Justin's earlobes. The sound of paper scratches on the wooden floor as the men grope for each other, pull themselves into each other, and take each other there, underneath the drawings of perfect men saving the world from the doom and pain that these two men know all too well. Come on, I've got to do something, here. I'll fall asleep otherwise.
Brian is on his back, smoking in a blue light as the music anvils over and over again, "My teenage sensation." Justin finally comes home late and tired. Brian says that Justin's late. Justin says it doesn't count if he was with Michael. He says that it felt like five minutes. They came up with amazing things, and it's like they share the same brain. Brian asks if Justin has it on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. "Ha," Justin says as he takes off his pants. Brian asks what all of Justin's papers are. I can't imagine Brian would be interested for a second. Hey, Sunshine, where's all that schoolin' you were supposed to be doing now that you're not a stripper crackwhore? Justin says that it's all research that Michael wants Justin to do so he's in the comic book world. Brian says, "Come over here." Justin obeys, and crawls into bed with Brian. They start kissing. The phone rings. Brian answers. It's Michael asking for Justin. Brian tells Michael that it's four in the morning. "Creativity doesn't punch a time clock!" Michael shouts. "Oh, my God, that is so profound," Brian says. "Can you hold on while I write it down?" And for the first time in I don't know how long, I genuinely laugh at a joke they've intentionally written in the script. Brian gives Justin the phone. Michael has an idea for a chiropractor villain, but Brian takes the phone and hangs up on Michael. Justin says that was important. Brian says this is as well. They go back to kissing. Justin turns over so that Brian can kiss down his back. By the time he reaches Justin's ass, Justin is snoring. Poor Brian. The center of attention loses tonight. Maybe it's the blue light. It makes me sleepy, too.
Wacky subplot alert! Mel and Lindz are watching a how-to videotape on renovating an attic. The how-to girl likes to say, "It's a snap!" while she snaps. Mel and Lindz are dressed in their worker gear as Brian walks up behind them. "Who's this crazy bitch?" he asks. For some reason, Mel and Lindz have to explain to us that this is a how-to video, and that the hardware store salesperson told them to follow this how-to video so they can learn how to renovate their attic. I am not retarded. I wish they'd stop writing these scripts as though I were. Brian says the girls have already fucked up. They're not wearing pearls like the Martha Stewart on the screen. The first part of the video involves measuring wood lengthwise. The how-to girl tells Mel and Lindz to keep a measuring tape on a keychain so they have it at all times. Brian tells the girls that they're measuring the wood the wrong way. He says that if there's one thing he knows, it's measuring wood. Oh, fuck me, this show is getting so stupid. The girls turn the wood the other way and measure again. Lindsay says this is all so easy, and they don't need Leda. Brian asks if Lindsay's jealous of Leda. Lindsay laughs for half an hour about how ridiculous that is. Brian asks why they wouldn't let Leda help them. Lindsay and Melanie and the world say that they know Lindsay thinks they can do it themselves. The lady on the screen cuts plywood with a powersaw as she brags that she keeps the sawdust for mulch in the spring. Lindsay puts on her protective goggles and turns on the saw. She screams as the saw comes to life. She almost cuts Mel in half. Brian shouts, "What kind of a dyke are you? You can't even handle power tools." Do they only have the one lesbian joke? Because I'm tired of it. Lindsay almost cuts Brian in half as they tell him to go downstairs and be with the unattended Gus. Lindsay almost cuts everything and everyone in half as the girl on the screen delivers the punch line, "It's a snap!" God.
Pickle's service. How many days has it been since he died? A distinguished gentleman says nice things about Pickle, calling Mrs. Pickle his "devoted wife, Virginia." Ted and Emmett are very, very late for the service and walk in talking. Not rude at all. Ted remarks on how many A-list people are in attendance. Jesus, Ted, give it a fucking rest. Emmett says that none of these people had anything to do with Pickle while he was alive. Why is Emmett half an hour late to the service? Emmett and Ted walk all the way down the aisle and practically sit to Mrs. Pickle, talking the entire time. Just as they start wrapping up the service, Ted tells Emmett it's time for him to speak. Emmett stands up and starts walking toward the front, interrupting and saying he'd like to talk. Mrs. Pickle motions for Security, and guards escort Emmett out (as he shouts, "I'm more than a friend!") of the service as the minister continues the ceremony. Ted follows Emmett out, shouting for them to take their hands off Emmett. Why crash a funeral and then get upset when they don't let you talk?
Brian comes home to Fatboy Slim playing and his loft in a complete shithouse mess. Michael and Justin, two people who don't pay rent on that place, have turned the house into a comic-book studio. There are papers everywhere -- hung up on clothesline, covering the floor, taped to the walls...everywhere. That Justin draws like a fucking maniac. Justin and Michael don't even acknowledge Brian until he starts talking, and then they just start talking to each other about the superpowers they've given Rage. If they're still working out what he looks like and what powers he has, then what are the hundreds of papers tacked all over the apartment? Brian says he'd like his loft back, and rips down one of the papers. Michael and Justin yell at him not to touch anything, since the drawings are all in sequence. Brian asks how he's supposed to get to his bedroom. Michael tells him to go around. Brian doesn't, and Michael yells at him again. The boys go back to planning their comic book. Michael's character's name is Zephyr. He asks if they can make him taller and give him bigger pecs. He says Rage's best friend should look almost as good. Brian says it's Chest of Death night at Babylon, so they need to get ready. Justin says they need to finish what they're doing first, so they'll meet him at Babylon. Brian actually says the line, "All work and no dick make Mikey and Sunshine dull boys." I could have written this script when I was ten.
Chest of Death contest. Why do all of the emcees hired on this show have to have scary eyes (like Manson Lamps scary), sweaty skin, and look just like derivatives of Dr. Frank N. Furter? This emcee portion of the show goes on for a very long time. The emcee flirts with the finalists, asking one if his nipples are bathtub stoppers. (Is that a good thing or a bad thing?) The camera spins over to Ted and Emmett, who are mourning Pickle's service by doing shots at the Chest of Death contest. Emmett can't believe he was thrown out like garbage. Ted says it was awful. "By those two, huge, brutal monsters!" Emmett says. "In other circumstances, it might've been hot," Ted says inappropriately. Emmett says he'll never get to say his speech now. Ted asks to hear the speech, promising to listen. I guess he had to add that last part or we'd be worried that he'd start masturbating to it. Emmett thanks Ted, but declines. "Wouldn't be the same," Emmett says.
Ben and Brian stand on the catwalk as Ben says it appears they've been stood up. Nobody has a cell phone or a pager? These guys have thousands of dollars in disposable income. Ben's wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt. Ben's all, "There's nothing as sexual as the act of creation." I don't know where the fuck this is coming from, but Ben starts telling Brian that, when he writes a book, he gets hard and turned-on and has to masturbate, and so their boyfriends are at home all horny and writing about Brian, so they're probably fucking over their drawings right now. Ignore Brian's lame "stroke of genius" joke. Ben doesn't seem even the slightest bit concerned. Neither does Brian, who tells Ben to keep on having his mental orgasms, while he'll get his from fucking asses and getting sucked off.
The emcee is still flirting with the finalists.
Ben tells Brian that what Justin and Michael are sharing is the "most intense form of intimacy there is." And he doesn't mind one bit, apparently. What's up with Ben, anyway? Does he want Michael to have boyfriends? "Nothing. Not even the hottest fuck in the world can come close," adds Ben. This show sucks. Ben tells Brian to have another drink while their boyfriends cheat on them. Ben leaves as the emcee gets everyone to start cheering.
Wacky subplot! Lindsay tells Mel she knew they could do it. I can't really tell what they've done, but it looks like maybe pieces of wood are just nailed to the walls in various places. Mel says it's a mess. Lindsay says it won't be so bad once they plaster over the imperfections. She turns the videotape back on. It's time to install the new sink. It'll be a snap. "Everything with this bitch is a snap," Mel says, the joke coming way too late in the script. Lindsay gets into position to set up the sink as Mel complains that it took seven hours longer to do the renovation than the videotape promised. Lindsay's supposed to connect the sink to the pipes using her wrench. Obviously, Lindsay doesn't understand anything to do with pipe or a "strong, circular motion," and she causes a giant leak. Water sprays everywhere as the girls shriek and bicker with each other. Oh, the fun! The videotape lady says, too late, that the girls should have turned off the water first so that they wouldn't have a "disaster" on their hands. Mel and Lindsay keep their faces in the stream of water as they argue over who was supposed to have turned off the water. "There! Now you have running water in your attic," the videotape lady says as the girls try to hold back the water stream with their fingertips. These poor actresses never get anything interesting to do.
Brian has brought home two horny men to fuck. They all hug and kiss in the doorway. Brian says they're going to have a power pec contest of their own. He drunkenly tells the guys not to step on everything, since it's all in sequence. Brian steps on everything as he walks over to his bedroom singing, "Rise and shine, Sunshine!" He sees Justin and Michael in his bed, fully clothed, Michael's left pinky threatening to come near Justin's thigh. "Shit," he whispers. He goes back into the main room and kicks out his two tricks. So rude. He drags these guys from the bar and then kicks them out once they're half-naked. They tell Brian to go fuck himself, and leave. Brian starts cussing, pulling the drawings down from the clothesline. He kicks papers. He pulls the drawings down and crumples them. He walks around destroying all of the drawings. Justin and Michael don't hear all of this and wake up? I mean, things are clunking and banging and the sound of paper shredding isn't exactly quiet. Brian keeps kicking and pulling and ripping and shouting, destroying all the work Justin's done. Justin and Michael sleep soundly as Michael keeps his hand on Justin's leg. Brian stops to pant for a second, then unzips his pants and pisses a neon yellow stream of urine all over a pile of drawings. He moans loudly, and I wonder what kind of vitamins this man is taking. He's so proud of himself for pissing on his living-room floor. They literally made him piss all over everything. There will never be anything subtle or subtextual about this show ever again.
Morning. Michael and Justin are snuggling in bed. They put their hands down to Justin's cock and wake up to re-enact a Planes, Trains and Automobiles scene. Each thought the other was his boyfriend. How could Michael think that scrawny Justin was giant Ben for a second? How could he get his arm around Ben's giant thigh to even reach his cock? Michael and Justin realize they fell asleep together. Justin calls out Brian's name. They figure he slept on the couch. Justin sees the damage first, and calls out to Michael. Their stuff's been trashed. They are unhappy.
Brian stares into his cup of black coffee. He's at the diner. Justin and Michael storm in, pissed off. "Did you do this?" Michael asks as he holds up a piece of paper. It's got Rage drawn on it, and it's soaked in Brian's urine. Gross! He's holding up a pee page. They demand an answer, but Brian won't give one. "You are totally fucked," Justin says. Michael can't believe that Brian would pee on their things. Debbie hears the word "piss" and perks up to listen in. Justin complains that they spent hours on that work. Michael wants an explanation. Justin calls Brian the world's biggest prick. Brian says nothing and goes back to his paper. The boys start to leave, outraged. "One last thing," Michael says, as he pushes the pee page over to Brian. "You're the one that's pathetic." Ooooh. Burn. This time the boys really do leave. Debbie walks over with a pot of coffee, wearing a shirt that reads "Labia? I hardly even know ya." She slams the pot down beside Brian. He asks for a couple of minutes before she gets her round at him. Debbie replies, "Article fourteen of the Supermom handbook says no kicking assholes when they're down. They might take away my halo." Brian actually says, "I'm not an asshole; I'm just drawn that way." Can I cancel this show? Can we stop this madness? Can I get one line that doesn't completely suck? Debbie informs Brian that he is, in fact, an asshole. Brian says he thought she wasn't going to beat him up. Debbie asks to finish. She says she understands: he's jealous. "I don't do jealous," Brian says. "Jealous is for lesbians." Debbie: "Then you'd better start liking pussy." I can't even think of anything to say. All of my synapses have fired at once and I just keep opening my mouth like Ozzy trying to figure out which kid to ground first. Debbie tells Brian there's a little green-eyed monster inside of him eating at his gut. Brian says he thought that was the coffee. This wins Debbie over, and she smiles. She says he doesn't fool her. She knows he loves the hell out of those boys -- otherwise he wouldn't care that they're spending time together and sharing something he's not a part of. Debbie yanks Brian's face over to force him to look at her, and tells him that the boys feel the same way about him. Gale tries not to shriek or squirm when forced into that proximity to Sharon's made-up face. Debbie holds the pee paper up with fingers that will soon touch the food of patrons, and points out that those boys are only making a hero-worship comic book. "You're their fucking hero," she says again. Jesus, we all get it. "At least you were," she says, as she leaves to put her pee hands on toast.
Emmett's eating from a jar of his dead boyfriend's pickles as Ted tries to talk him into going to the porn awards: "When the Granada Inn is transformed into an X-rated Xanadu." Man, how does that sound like fun or class? Ted's so gross. He tells Emmett that there's the Governor's Ball after the show where every porn star will be live in attendance. "Only this time," Ted beams, "you're one of them, Emmett." Emmett really just wants to mourn the death of his boyfriend. Ted doesn't care. Emmett says when he put Pickle's sweater on, he feels like Pickle's arms are still around him. The smell of vanilla combined with dill. Ted says that Pickle wouldn't want Emmett to be a hermit. Emmett points out that Pickle was one for years, and now he understands why. Ted sits to Emmett and says those people can't take his pride or they've won. He says it's more important that Emmett go out and celebrate. Emmett asks if he's supposed to celebrate the fact that he whacked off on a porn website. Ted says, "You made a lot of people happy. Especially George." Emmett apologizes. Ted gives up and says he'll accept the Crystal Dick for Emmett, and he'll tell the world how proud he is of Emmett.
Justin and Michael are out having drinks, bitching about what Brian did: "At least we backed everything up on your hard drive or else we'd really be fucked." Wait, so those were just printouts that Brian pissed on? Then what's the fucking problem? Brian probably paid for those pieces of paper and that computer ink anyway. Justin complains that it's going to cost a couple hundred dollars to reprint everything. Michael says they'll send Brian the bill. Oh, like he didn't pay for it the first time when they used his computer. Michael starts justifying Brian's actions, saying they did exclude him, and that he can act irrationally when he's angry. Justin says they were working. "In his place, in his face," Michael rhymes. He points out that they fell asleep together. Justin says it's not like they were fucking. Michael says even a superhero can morph into a jerk. Where is that line coming from? It's like stuff's getting cut but they don't bother piecing the script back together in a logical line. Justin says he can't believe Michael's going to forgive Brian. He says that Mikey puts up with anything. Michael says he's not going to this time, even though he will and already has. Justin says he's been fooling himself into thinking that Brian loves him. Michael tells Justin that Brian really does love him. I don't understand this line: "You saw his face this morning. We could have removed his teeth with pliers and he would have let us." Because he was so stone-faced? Justin says they should have, since he deserves it. Michael says now they know that Rage has a fatal weakness, and it's not kryptonite. What a loser.
These porn awards. So many dumb jokes in a row. Two porn stars deliver bad writing stiltedly. This isn't a black-tie event for anyone but Ted, it seems. One guy's wearing, like, a t-shirt. Anyway, Emmett wins and Ted celebrates like he's Emmett. He just screams and shouts and Cuba Gooding Jr.s all over the place. He's beaming as he holds the Crystal Dick and finally remembers to tell them that he's not actually Emmett. Ted strokes the Crystal Dick and says it's such a thrill to be holding a dick. God! It's all so insultingly bad! Then Emmett walks up slowly, but nobody applauds until he speaks his first line. There are two girls with blue wigs in the audience, but they're not sitting together. Emmett looks fabulous in a red, shiny suit. Emmett takes the microphone from the reluctant Ted and accepts his applause. He thanks everyone and says the award means a lot to him. If he hadn't been on JerkAtWork.net, he wouldn't have met the most wonderful man he's ever known. He says Pickle's name, and there's a bad voice-over of one guy going, "Schickle's Pickles?" The production values on this show make You Can't Do That On Television look like The Sopranos. Emmett decides to read the speech he'd prepared for Pickle's service. I guess he thinks he's got all night for his acceptance speech, and I don't think delivering a eulogy at a porn award show is any classier than getting thrown out of a funeral service. Couldn't he have read it as they were leaving the service, or at the cemetery? Anyway, Emmett says that Pickle was a man of prominence and wealth, but to Emmett, he was just George -- a man who just wanted to love another boy. "I was lucky enough to be that boy," he says. "I'd like to think I brought a little fun into his life, but what he gave me was so much more. Something all his money couldn't buy. He made me feel like I was somebody." Emmett folds up the paper and says, "I love you, Georgie. What we had for a few short months was more than most people have in a lifetime." Emmett thanks them, and the crowd applauds as Ted comes up and hugs Emmett. You can see people leaving from the audience as they politely applaud and wait for "Best Cum Shot In an Ass Ram." Then they stand and give Emmett a blue-light standing ovation.
Leda unpacks and calls the girls "dames." She says she's glad Lindsay and Melanie finally came to their senses. She says that if they had made any more of a mess, she'd have to detonate instead of renovate. Lordy, this show has some bad writing. Mel and Lindsay are setting up the couch, which I guess is now just a bed full-time, and can't be a couch during the day. Mel says they screwed up. Leda says it's not too late. Lindsay asks how long this will all take. Leda says it depends on the "triangle of expectation." They really think we're retarded now because Leda pulls out a piece of paper, draws a triangle on it and explains that you can have fast and cheap or fast and good or cheap and good, but you can't have all three. Is there a test on this later? Mel finally understands that it'll take a long time. Leda says there's no need to worry. She turns on a boombox that's playing Peaches' "Rock Show" and says they won't even know she's there. Right. Mel holds up a baby monitor to remind all of us that they have a kid they aren't really worrying about these days. Leda turns Peaches off. Lindsay is uneasy. Mel kisses Leda good night. Mel kisses Lindsay. Lindsay says she'll be right up. She tells Leda she's grateful that Leda's doing this, and that she's happy Leda's there. Leda says that otherwise, she'd be sleeping in the park. Lindsay admits that she had reservations. Leda tells Lindsay that she's got nothing to worry about. "Mel loves you very much," Leda says. Uh, yeah, she did just marry her. "Thanks," Lindsay says, as if she needed to hear that. Lindsay makes her way to bed, but stands on the stairs first and watches Leda take off her shirt.
Michael and Justin come home to the loft neither of them spend a dime on. All of their papers are back up and arranged, or reprinted, or whatever. Brian tells them to be careful not to step on anything. Michael asks what's going on. Brian says the comic book is fucking good and that the artwork is art. Oh, like he'd give a shit about a comic book. Justin tells Brian he can't sweet-talk his way out of this one. Michael says that they aren't going to forget. Justin asks for an apology. Michael tells him to beg. Brian apologizes. Justin says it's not good enough. Brian says what he did was immature, childish, and "addictive." "Addictive"? He said it was an act of cruelty because of irrational fears and unfounded jealousy. He says if he were the two of them, he'd never speak to himself anymore. Michael asks why he prefers Brian when he's shameless and unapologetic. Because you're a fucking doormat, Michael. Brian tells them to finish their work and build up Rage's chin to superhero status. He says afterward, he'll put together a marketing campaign. If they want his help. The boys, of course, want Brian to be involved, and it's a deal. Brian jams his shoulder into Justin's chest and they share a smile as Yello's "Oh, Yeah" starts up again. The boys sit down as Brian stares at a drawing of Rage. He listens to the boys work, and stares at himself.
Cut to a comic-book animation of Rage flying through Pittsburgh. He lands on top of Babylon. And that's it. Thanks, Jeremy Podeswa, for that pointless moment that cost all the money this show has.
week, Justin meets a new boy. Justin has a birthday, and Brian does nothing for it. Michael throws Ben a surprise party that pisses Ben off. This new kid tells Justin, "If I was your boyfriend, I'd give you a birthday you'd never forget." Oh, week. You will do me in for sure.