Sweet Pickle and Me!

S02E14

Airplane. First Class. Emmett orders everything he can from the flight attendant. He's very excited about being in First Class. Pickle jokes that Emmett's been eating since they took off. Emmett says it's his first time, and he wants to make sure Pickle gets his money's worth. They clink champagne glasses. Emmett says that if you're very quiet, you can hear the moos of the cattle back in Coach. Pickle laughs at Emmett's cattiness. Emmett says he used to be one of the herd, but now he's on the other side of the curtain. Pickle says that, from now on, he hopes the world will be a whole new world for Emmett. Emmett looks at his boyfriend lovingly and says, "It will be. 'Cause I'm with you." Pickle asks if it would be too tedious to tell Emmett how marvelous he is, and how happy Pickle is that they're together. Emmett says he'll try to endure. Pickle says that nobody has ever given him such pleasure before, and he can't wait to make love in every destination. He wishes they could make love right here and now. Emmett reminds Pickle that there's such a thing as a Mile-High Club. He tells Pickle to go to the bathroom and says he'll follow after a little while, when nobody's looking. The rest he tells Pickle in a whisper. Pickle agrees, unbuckles his seat belt, and walks off. Emmett waits long enough for an exhale before he's following Pickle, who couldn't possibly have made it to the bathroom already at his age. Emmett enters the bathroom behind Pickle. That's a gigantic First Class, by the way. They giggle as they shut the bathroom door and mark it "Occupied." If you rearrange the letters in "Occupied," you get "Die pucco," which almost sounds like "Die Pickle" or "Pucco Die"/"Pickle Die."

Lobsters. Fancy dinner. Carl tells Debbie he's got two kids. One is named Carl's Jr. Or Carl Junior, I guess, but I'm hungry. He's in the air force. Has kids. Carl's daughter Vickie, named after her late mother, lives in Salt Lake and is a music teacher. Married "to a black guy." He says that the black guy is actually "nice enough." A successful lawyer. Carl says he's trying not to hate it. He asks Debbie if she's got enough to eat. Debbie sucks on a feeler (the grosses five words I've ever written in QaF recap history) and says she's got plenty. Carl says he just doesn't want his daughter to have to face adversity and make her life more difficult by being in love with a black guy. Wow, this is the same speech my mother gave me when I was fourteen. I called her a racist. She said that she didn't hate people of other races or genders (I asked what she'd think if I was a lesbian), but she didn't want me to ever have one day of pain. She knew that everybody would love and accept me if I ended up loving someone of another race or the same sex. Of course she'd still love me and accept me, but she'd hate that I was inevitably going to suffer some heartache. Debbie says you can't dictate to your kids who to love or how to run their lives. She tells Carl that Ben's HIV-positive. "Holy shit," Carl says. Debbie agrees. Carl reminds her that she said it's none of their business. He says he worries for his daughter, and the kids they might have. I guess he's worried her kids will be teased. At least, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. Debbie tries to win this pity party by saying she's worried her son might die. I wish she'd quit sucking that lobster feeler. Carl says she's pretty. Then they feed each other butter-dripping pieces of lobster until it's soaked all over Debbie's chin and Carl has to clean her up. Fuck, I'm nauseous. I think it's because they're wearing bibs. Too many weird fetishes at once. Not my fetishes, you sick freaks.