The Dangers of Sex and Drugs

Previously: Michael's real daddy wears a dress. Justin became a dancer whore.

Dancing, dancing, dancing boys. Mostly naked dancing boys. Dancing. Grinding. Someone told Justin that dancing in skanky sneaks was sexy. It's not. Justin lets someone shove a dollar bill into his mouth. That's the grossest thing I've ever seen on this show. Dirty money that's probably got come all over it in his mouth.

Staring at Justin from the bar are Brian, Emmett, Michael, and Ted. Michael says that Justin's switch from high-school senior to go-go dancer in less than a year has to be some kind of record. Ted says it's just another success story from Brian Kinney's home for runaway boys. Emmett says he always knew Brian was a good role model. Ted says that if he were Brian, he'd be going crazy watching all of those boys paw his boyfriend. Brian scoffs at the notion that Ted could be Brian. Michael can't believe that this doesn't bother Brian even a little bit. Apparently "everybody" knows that the only way you get to dance on the bar is if the boss blows you. How and why is this common knowledge? And why does Michael know it and not Brian? Brian says that Justin is earning an honest living and not taking any handouts. Just handjobs. Justin walks over and brags about how much money he's making. Michael and Brian say that Justin should be at home in bed, but Justin doesn't get off until 2 AM. Emmett and Ted wonder how Justin's going to be able to "keep it up," especially at home. Justin tells them not to worry and starts making out with Brian. Justin's Creepy Boss's face is somehow right between them then, and he says he doesn't pay Justin to make out with Justin's boyfriend. Justin says he's on a break. The boss tells him that break is over. Brian says that Justin's just keeping his customers happy. Creepy Boss pulls Justin back into the crowd, rubbing Justin's head the entire time. Ted calls him an asshole. Creepy Boss feeds Justin's nose some coke as Brian watches.

Stable. A place for horses, not a description of relationships on this show. Emmett stammers to Pickle that he as an irrational fear of any physical activity that doesn't take place in bed. Pickle tells him not to be such a sissy. "Any other impossible requests?" Emmett asks. Pickle laughs. He asks Emmett where his sense of adventure is. Emmett reminds Pickle that it's in the bedroom. Pickle tells Emmett that it's time for him to try something daring and new. Emmett says he's perfectly happy with his boring little Pittsburgh life. Pickle asks if Emmett would like to go around the world. Emmett reminds Pickle that they did that last night. Pickle says he's serious. He asks Emmett where he dreamed of going once he left Mississippi. Emmett says he wanted to go anywhere Audrey Hepburn made a movie and where there weren't shit kickers kicking the shit out of him. "But I only got as far as Pittsburgh," he says. Pickle says that the world is up for Emmett's grabs right now if he wants it. Emmett does.

Ted can't believe that Emmett gets to take a trip around the world. They might be gone for six months. Even a year. Ted says that a trip like that isn't just a vacation, it's a life experience. Ben says he'd love to go to China or Japan. Tibet for meditation. Ted wants to go to Berlin, Amsterdam, and Prague. Debbie rushes in and says that you don't have to leave Liberty Avenue for international cuisine. She drops off French toast, Belgian waffle, and a Spanish omelette. In fact, she's brought everybody's food except Ben's. She snaps at Ben in an incredibly rude tone. Michael says he's sick of the way Debbie treats Ben. She never brings his food with the rest of their food, even when Ben orders cold cereal. Michael gets up to talk to his mom.

Michael asks why Debbie's treating Ben that way. She says she doesn't have to hop to just because he orders food. Michael says she never talks to him unless she has to, and that she's never friendly. Debbie says she's too busy to be chatting with Ben over tea about current events. She excuses herself back to work. Where's Sunshine? Doesn't he need money?

Oh, Sunshine's sleeping. The alarm is going off; the clock says it's nine. Brian shuts it off and wishes Justin a good morning. Brian's already dressed for work. He says he thought Justin had a class. Justin says he ditched it. Brian asks how Justin's supposed to be doing his best work when he's up all night "fucking around." Justin says he learned it from Brian. He says he's not fucking around, he's working. Brian said he saw Justin working on a line of coke. Justin brags that he made $410 in one night. Brian says that Justin won't have to worry about tuition money once they kick him out of school. Justin says that Brian's reminding him of Justin's father. Brian tells Justin to fuck off. Brian starts the alarm clock up again. He takes the blanket off Justin's body. I don't buy for a second that Justin sleeps in clothing. And why does the alarm clock sound like a bomb's about to go off? Justin covers his head with a pillow as Brian leaves.

Debbie's happily chalking some specials on the chalkboard, popping her gum and smiling. Officer DumpsterBoy enters. Debbie asks him if there's a break in the case. There's not. Nobody really cares anymore, do they? He says he came to the diner for lunch...and to ask Debbie out on a date. Debbie thinks he's joking and smacks her gum. He says they could go out for a fancy coffee. She says she pours enough coffee at work that she doesn't need a "mocha frappulatte." He asks her out to dinner. She turns him down. He asks if she means tomorrow or never. She shrugs another "no thanks." What the fuck's his name? Howrath? Anyway, as he turns to leave, she offers him a lemon bar for the road. Then it's his turn to say, "No thanks." Debbie is shocked that she had an entire conversation without one cuss word or mention of sucking cock. Well, I'm shocked, anyway. She should be.

Y'all, this is so gross, right here. Emmett's giving one last jerk-off to the world and it's some kind of open-invitation stadium-seating affair. Everyone from "work" is watching him stroke himself. And if I'm going to pay money to watch jerkatwork.net, I want to see more than just Emmett's face as he's coming. I want to see the dick in action. Emmett pops just as Ted pops some champagne, and Fetch's farewell party is kicking it. I hope Emmett had time to wash his hands. Everyone's applauding and everybody's there. And by everybody, I mean not Lindsay or Melanie or Debbie or Vic or Ben. Or Pickle. Just the people important in Emmett's life are in attendance. Emmett says that even though he's leaving "the business," he won't forget the people he worked with here at this job that led him to his fancy rich-guy boyfriend. Some mostly naked guy calls Emmett an inspiration. Emmett's flattered. He says he's lucky and that this could happen to anybody. He tells them that everybody's prince will come one day. They toast, and Brian makes a joke about Ted making $19.95 for the first fifteen minutes of that coming. Emmett giggles over to his pile of presents. Justin tries not to fall asleep. Actually, it looks like he just bites the inside of his mouth, but I guess I understand what they are trying to convey. Brian asks if he's working tonight. Justin's working 9 PM to 2 AM. Brian notes that Justin can hardly keep his head up. Justin says he'll be fine. Brian says he's sure Justin's Creepy Boss will make sure Justin's fine. Justin gives him a look.

Emmett holds up a product that's not called Dramamine because it would have cost too much money to get Dramamine to have a product placement. And that's what Michael gives Emmett for a going-away present? Cheap bastard. Where's Ben? Ted says that'll "take care of the sex." I don't get it.

Brian offers once again to give Justin the money he needs for school so that he doesn't have to be a cokehead whore stripper. Justin will hear none of it, since he wants to be a cokehead whore exotic entertainer. Justin reminds Brian that he doesn't want Brian's handouts. Do I get to make the handjob joke again if they keep repeating dialogue? For the third episode in a row, Brian calls Justin a "twat." Justin says he's trying to look out for himself. Off-camera, Emmett beams that he got a dictionary of foreign phrases. Ted shouts that now Emmett can learn how to say "fuck me faster" in Farsi. Justin says that Brian always told him to be the best homosexual he could possibly be, so now he's trying to take care of himself and be a man. Brian says that sometimes a man has to learn to accept help. Justin has no answer for that other than tasting his lips.

Emmett opens a box from Ted. It's supposed to contain sexy underwear. It's empty. Man, that Ted's a cheap bastard. Ted counts to a million before he delivers the unfunny, redundant "exactly." Everyone forcedly laughs harder. Ted and Emmett clutch and hug for a long time. Then they tackle each other onto the come bed.

Vic's reading the Personals section of the newspaper. Debbie says the one he's reading aloud sounds perfect for him. Until he reads the "HIV-negative only need apply." Debbie tells him that he'll find the right guy someday. Vic says that, at his age, it'd better be someday soon. Debbie tells him to shut up with the death talk. She points out that Emmett and Pickle are happy, so age doesn't dictate love. "So what's your excuse?" Vic asks. Ow. What's your damage, Vic? Debbie brags that she doesn't need an excuse, since someone asked her out today. Vic says, "You live with fags. You work with fags. You haven't seen a straight man in years." Debbie says that Detective Dumpster is a straight man. Vic can't believe that's the guy who asked her out. He takes a strange pause to walk up beside her and ask if she accepted the offer. She tells Vic that Detective Dumpster is not her type. "He's alive and he's got a dick. What more do you need?" Vic asks. Debbie says she'd like someone who's not a homophobe. Vic says just saying a couple of jokes about people being gay doesn't mean he's "a fag-hater." He just needs "enlightening." Debbie tells Vic to go out with him, but Vic says Debbie's more his type. He asks her how long it's been since she's been on a date. "How the fuck do I know?" she snaps. "1992," she adds. Vic jokes that it must be so rusty it squeaks. Ah, family discussions. Debbie says she was busy taking care of Vic. "So, what's your excuse now?" he asks. She says she already turned down Detective Dumpster. Vic reminds Debbie that she's a woman and that women are allowed to change their minds. Good, because I've been rethinking recapping this show. Vic hands Debbie the phone and over-emphatically says, "Just say yes!" Debbie stares at the phone as we listen to the dial tone. If you'd like to speed this up, please hang up and try your call again.

Close-up on bed springs creaking and jumping as Emmett shouts, "Harder!" He's making celebratory shouts as the camera pans up to show us not Emmett and Pickle naked and thrusting, but Emmett and Michael clothed and shutting a suitcase. Comedy! I love Emmett's shirt and want one for myself. It would look great under my Radiohead t-shirt. Emmett reminds Michael that while Emmett's gone, Michael will have the place all to himself so he can have loud sex with Ben instead of having loud sex with Ben while Emmett listens through a wall. For a second, Emmett reconsiders going. There's a horn honking outside. I'm thinking the script for this episode was too short because we keep seeing long periods of no talking where nothing's happening. Like here. We watch Michael go to the window and look outside. He announces that it's Pickle's limo. Then we watch Emmett go to the window, open the window, lean down, and call out to Pickle to come upstairs. Unless it was just for some butt shots. In which case, good work, camera guy. Emmett says he hopes he doesn't act like a shopgirl and embarrass Pickle worldwide. Emmett says that Pickle is refined, and that he's what they used to call "a piece of trash." Michael and Emmett struggle with Emmett's many, many bags as Michael reminds Emmett that he's not in Hazlehurst anymore and that Pickle doesn't feel that way about Emmett. Emmett says that this is more than he ever dreamed. Michael says that Emmett deserves a life as fabulous as he is. They pet each other on the arms. Knock at the door. It's Pickle and his driver. Pickle's decked out in the leather. Emmett calls Pickle his dream date, and they kiss. Pickle leans down to fetch Emmett's luggage. Whatever -- that's what the driver's for, isn't it, Pickle? Michael tells Pickle to have a great trip. They shake hands. Emmett starts a lingering goodbye with Michael that doesn't end until Pickle drags Emmett's teary ass out of the apartment. Emmett promises to send postcards while giving borderline offensive impressions of Asian people. He leaves with the front door still open.

Justin's t-shirt advertises the school he never attends. He's asking for some time off to finish an art project. Creepy Boss tells Justin that a job isn't a party. Justin says that he could fail a class if he doesn't get the time off. Wow. How long has he been working there that he's already failing from the stripping? And how much does this school cost, anyway? Creepy Boss says that he'll let Justin off this once, as long as he can also get Justin off first.

Justin's working at home drawing. Brian leans in and kisses him. He takes a look at something Justin's printed out. He says it's not bad. He offers to hang it so that Justin can tell everybody he's hung. They kiss. Justin smiles and says he already tells everybody that. Brian asks Justin how he got the night off. Justin says that he told Creepy Boss he needed to finish a project, and it's that easy. He brags again that he can take care of himself. Brian stands up to light his cigarette, and calls Brian a smart-ass. He tells Brian that he can have the entire weekend off if he does a gig at an after-hours party at Creepy Boss's house. Justin says he'd be a "pretty boy" there for decoration. Brian asks who else would be there. Justin supposes it'd be Creepy Boss's friends. Brian moans about how lame the parties and the friends probably are. Justin gets all defensive about the guy giving him head and tells Brian that he doesn't know Creepy Boss. Brian tucks his cigarette behind his ear and says he knows how Justin got to dance on the bar. "I let him blow me," Justin tries to say flirtatiously. "Big deal." Brian offers Justin five thousand dollars for his drawing. Justin says it's not for sale. Brian is unhappy as we all say in unison: "No. Just you."

Someone decided to let Mel and Lindsay out of their cage so that they could dress Debbie for her date. Mel's pumping the mascara brush inside the tube (something you're not supposed to do because it can get bacteria inside the tube and give you an eye infection). Debbie says she knows WhoreCop knows what she looks like, so there's no need to make such a fuss. Lindsay and Mel now have to share one line so they have some screen time as they say, "It's not for Horpack. It's for you." Debbie says she knows what she looks like as well. They hold a mirror in front of her face. She's amazed at how good she looks. Um, all they did was take away the black eyeliner. Everything else is the same. Somebody wanna help her out with that wig débacle? Lindsay tells Debbie that she looks like a princess. You know, I really don't see much of a difference. They've got her in that Mama's Family top, which is hideous. "Well, it's better'n lookin' like the Queen Mother!" Debbie quips. Ouch. Should have rewritten that line, I guess, since not too many people want to look like the Queen Mum these days. Debbie panics when she hears the doorbell, and takes the gum out of her mouth. Someone get that gold bangle bracelet off her wrist! She isn't Wonder Woman, for Christ's sake. Debbie says she isn't nervous, and that she has everything under control. Mel points out that Debbie's forgotten where the front door is. Guffaw! Debbie pushes her tits up as she walks to the door. Mel and Lindz share a look, without one word written to exchange between them.

Debbie answers the door. Hogbreath is charmed. Debbie tells him that she looks like a princess. She introduces him to Mel and Lindz as we watch from the WhoreCop Shoulder-Cam, for some reason. Debbie tells her date that Mel and Lindz are lesbians, even though we can see Lindsay with her arms around Mel's waist. "That's nice," he says. Mel and Lindz dissolve into giggles. Debbie introduces her date, and this time I hear "Detective Whorebath." I like that I never hear the same name twice. He says his name is Carl. Mel and Lindz excuse themselves, since their fifteen seconds is used up completely now.

Michael and Vic are walking down the street. Michael expositions that since Ben is still working on his book, Mike figured he'd come down to the house for dinner with Debbie and Vic to get to the bottom of this whole "treating Ben like shit" problem. He's even carrying a grocery bag. Vic says that Debbie's pretty set in her ways with regard to the way she's going to think about Ben. For some reason, this is the first time Vic mentions that Debbie's got a date tonight. It's been an entire day and night and nobody told Mikey that's his mom's got a date for the first time in a decade? "With a man?" Mikey asks after thirty seconds pass. Vic says of course it's a man. "Why should she be any different from us?" Vic asks. Michael turns around and finally notices that his mother is just a few feet away, chattering with Whorebed. Vic goes on about how sexy detectives are. Michael says that he thought Carl was a homophobe. Debbie runs up and giddily introduces her date to her brother and son. Michael gives Carl the cold shoulder. Debbie beams that they're off. Carl opens the car door for Debbie. Michael stomps into the house, brooding.

Airplane. First Class. Emmett orders everything he can from the flight attendant. He's very excited about being in First Class. Pickle jokes that Emmett's been eating since they took off. Emmett says it's his first time, and he wants to make sure Pickle gets his money's worth. They clink champagne glasses. Emmett says that if you're very quiet, you can hear the moos of the cattle back in Coach. Pickle laughs at Emmett's cattiness. Emmett says he used to be one of the herd, but now he's on the other side of the curtain. Pickle says that, from now on, he hopes the world will be a whole new world for Emmett. Emmett looks at his boyfriend lovingly and says, "It will be. 'Cause I'm with you." Pickle asks if it would be too tedious to tell Emmett how marvelous he is, and how happy Pickle is that they're together. Emmett says he'll try to endure. Pickle says that nobody has ever given him such pleasure before, and he can't wait to make love in every destination. He wishes they could make love right here and now. Emmett reminds Pickle that there's such a thing as a Mile-High Club. He tells Pickle to go to the bathroom and says he'll follow after a little while, when nobody's looking. The rest he tells Pickle in a whisper. Pickle agrees, unbuckles his seat belt, and walks off. Emmett waits long enough for an exhale before he's following Pickle, who couldn't possibly have made it to the bathroom already at his age. Emmett enters the bathroom behind Pickle. That's a gigantic First Class, by the way. They giggle as they shut the bathroom door and mark it "Occupied." If you rearrange the letters in "Occupied," you get "Die pucco," which almost sounds like "Die Pickle" or "Pucco Die"/"Pickle Die."