Accentuate the Positive

Ted starts the small talk, and the blond won't even look over in Ted's direction. I instantly assume that the kid must be deaf, because who would be that fucking rude? He's not deaf, just an asshole, and Ted realizes the kid's never going to give even one glance in Ted's direction. He starts to leave by plugging his website, and suddenly the kid's all ears because he's some kind of porn site gold-digger or whatever. The kid suddenly introduces himself as "Thor," since Ted just seconds ago called him a Norse God. Thor asks if they can have sex soon. He hands Ted his card. "You got it," a surprised Ted responds. Thor gives an awkward wink. Do people still wink? Behind Thor, shirtless guys dance off-rhythm.

Ted walks back and announces that success is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Mikey gets all pissed off when he sees Ben dancing in the confetti below. I am really proud of myself. I haven't made one Ben Dover joke yet. Emmett calls Ben the "Hunkiest professor in the whole wide world." Ben's got an amazing torso, kids. Ted tells Mike that he did the "right thing." He reminds Michael (and us) that Ben is positive, as if there were a second any of us could forget that point. "Positively yummy!" Emmett adds. I love Emmett. I don't understand why Ted's acting like Ben's got cooties that you can catch from dancing too close to him. Is Ted living in 1986? What's going on? Ted tells Mike that there are plenty of "fuckable" guys out there that Mike doesn't have to "worry about." I think Mikey wasn't looking for "fuckable," Ted. That's you and your loserdom. Emmett pulls Ted away before we all punch him in the face. Michael watches Ben dance, and a bit of drool almost falls from Mike's lips to the top of Ben's head. Mikey tells us in a voice-over that it's true there are a lot of fuckable guys out there. In case you were looking for clarification. Mike notes that he's even dated a few.

"The only problem is they're not Ben," Michael finishes, and we're in the diner. Mel and Lindsay are there, but only so that they can eat while Michael talks. Don't look for their subplot this episode, because it's not happening. Mike says he can't stop thinking about Ben, and that he's obsessed. "And I'm trying to eat," Brian notes. Gus is huge, by the way. Huge! Lindsay says that Mike might miss Ben so much because he doesn't have anybody around to replace him. Mike says he shouldn't have let other people's opinions dictate what he did. Mel says that Mike must have had his doubts, or he would have told them all to fuck themselves. Lindsay agrees. Mike asks whether they think it's too late. Brian yells that he ordered his eggs with bacon and not group therapy. How do these guys eat so much diner food and still look like that? I hate them. Brian stands up and says, "If you want Ben back? Go fucking get him." He leaves. Debbie shouts that she's got Brian's bacon. He's gone, so she eats it, joking that she can't glue it back to the side of the pig. She can somehow see a pout through Michael stuffing his face with food, and asks what heartache is bothering him now. Lindsay mouths a "Ben" in Debbie's direction. Debbie sits and tells Mike that the right guy will come along. She pinches his face and coos that he's just like a peach. Mel and Lindz keep eating as Debbie reminds Mike that he has dinner plans at her house Monday night. It's ziti night. Mike complains that he's going to be fat and lonely. They decide to end the scene on that non-joke.

Brian's sister's a Bad Canadian Actress. ["I was about to defend Canadian actors, but I know what you mean, and you're right -- you really can spot 'em a mile away." -- Wing Chun] She's also got two Brat Kids from Hell. They fight and bicker around Brian's expensive apartment. The kids break something, and Brian's sister screams, "I told you two to behave!" The kids start calling each other "homo" and "faggot" and no parental authority figure does anything to stop it or reprimand them. Hate starts in the home, y'all. Brian tells the kids to sit down and shut up. He threatens to ruin their testicles. Brian's sister bitches and moans about all the stuff she does for their mother. Mom doesn't appreciate that Brian's sister drives Mom around and keeps her company. One of the brats picks up Brian's pack of cigarettes and pretends to smoke one. Brian suggests that his sister kills their mom. The sister gives a badly acted eye-roll. Brian says that she wouldn't be convicted by any jury since they all have mothers of their own. Brian's sister says she's got a better idea: Brian can take care of Mom for a while. Apparently, Mom's drinking has gotten worse since "Daddy" died. Brian's sister tells Brian to drive Mom to church, the store, to get her hair done. "Fuck that shit," Brian says, ignoring the fact that there are children present. They just giggle at the potty mouth until Brian's sister slaps one on the back and shouts, "Shut up!" She yells at Brian that she can't just be stuck with their mother. She slips back into her Canadian accent to tell Brian that he's always gotten off "scot-free." She tells Brian to help her out, and threatens to dump Mom off into his permanent care. Bad Canadian Actress snarfs and collects her savage kids. She yells and snaps at them as they moan. How hard is it to act like a whining kid? These kids are struggling with it, though. I think the older one just stole one of Brian's salt shakers.

Back in Pornland, Ted's expanded (tee hee) his business to include four different video images at once. Emmett's just getting off work (literally) wearing a hardhat and a tool belt. He makes a joke about having played most of the Village People already. It's not just that the joke's lame -- Ted's completely asleep. I think the guy having sex in the monitor behind Ted might just be Blake. Ted complains about all the invoices and payroll he's having to do. He's so tired, that poor rich Ted. Emmett's too busy playing with his nipple to listen to the number-talk-blah-blah monologue Ted's going through. Ted yawns and complains that he's supposed to meet "Thor the impaler" tonight, and now he's way too tired to get anything up. Emmett reminds Ted that he's in "the Biz," and tosses him a bottle of prescription medicine. It's Viagra. Ted hands it back and tells Emmett that he hasn't really had a "winning score" when it comes to drugs. Emmett says that normally he would agree with Ted since, you know, coma and all, but if Ted doesn't take the Viagra, they can't all make dumb dick jokes for the fifty minutes. Emmett says that Viagra's made for eighty-year-old men, and if they can fuck like they're thirty, Ted should be able to fuck like he's eighty. He reminds Ted that it only lasts for a few hours anyway. Ted keeps the Viagra.

Mikey is stalking Ben. He's standing outside Ben's apartment. Ben walks up and Mike tries to play it all "Fancy meeting you here," but Ben recognizes stalking when he sees it. Mikey follows Ben to his door and admits that he's been walking up and down the block for two hours waiting for Ben. No kidding. Ben invites him up.

Inside Ben's apartment, the camera settles on a "Buddha" statue, reminding us that Ben's the ideal mate for Mikey who wants someone spiritual, since he isn't. Ben tells Mike you're supposed to rub the belly for luck. Michael takes a deep breath, rubs the belly, and then admits to Ben that he was wrong earlier. He says he can't stop thinking about Ben. Ben admits that he's been thinking about Mikey as well. He overreacted prematurely and wants to start all over again. Mike asks if Ben's seeing anybody. Ben isn't. Mike leans in for a kiss, but Ben stops him. Ben says he appreciates what Mike said, but that he can't take the chance of getting hurt if Michael changes his mind again. "So, I'm sorry," Ben says. "But it takes more than a kiss." Didn't Michael just get out of a very long-term relationship? Doesn't he miss Dr. Dave? Don't you think he might be projecting his feelings onto this relationship because they're similar people?

Ted calls up Emmett, pissed that the Viagra isn't working yet when he's got his Thor date pretty soon. Wouldn't he want it to start working after Thor got there? Emmett says there are no "hard" or "firm" rules when it comes to Viagra. Dick Jokes #2 & #3, respectively. Ted gets another call, and the split-screen shatters into three boxes. It's Thor, canceling on Ted. He's a very Bad Canadian Actor and tries to pretend that there's a dog just off-camera puking. It's about as realistic as the locker joke scenes on You Can't Do That On Television. Thor hangs up. Ted tells Emmett that Thor's not coming over. Immediately, Ted gets hard. Emmett celebrates until he realizes that Ted's reason for getting hard isn't on his way anymore. He tells Ted that everyone's seen him in action, so he's sure Ted'll know how to fix his little problem. Emmett hangs up and dunks himself into the tub as Ted frets about his dick.

Brian's mom kicks back a dainty stiff one as Brian fiddles with an ancient radio. He comments that it's a little early for her to be drinking. She says she needs something to calm her nerves. She asks when was the last time she saw Brian. "Christmas," Brian tells her. He brought her flowers. The same bouquet he brought her today. She says they'd better get going so they're not late to church. Brian's mom says that Brian's sister Claire said Brian would take her. Brian says he never agreed to take his mom to church. Did Brian turn on a hip-hop station? Where is that rap music coming from? It totally doesn't fit the scene. Brian curses, and his mother scolds him for it. Brian shoves the flowers (still wrapped) into a vase without water and pouts. He asks why his mother isn't attending the eight o'clock service anymore. She says she prefers the noon now because it's more "traditional." She starts going on about how "wonderful" the new minister is. The rap music continues as Brian's mom sips another drink. She asks if Brian's coming. "Hell, no," Brian answers. Brian's mom finishes her drink and announces she'll go by herself. Her drunk ass weaves right into a chair, causing Brian to crack up. He tells her that she can't go anywhere like that. "Darling, I've managed quite well on my own," she says. She walks into the darkness telling Brian that she doesn't need him. The rap music takes over...

...and it turns out that Brian's mom lives right to an "urban basketball court," as I'm sure it reads in the script. A basketball game is in full effect, and Ben appears to be the only white guy on the court. It's hard to tell if he's any good, because they shoot the scene in such a way that people are just passing the ball and dodging. Passing and dodging. You see the occasional basket, but you don't know who threw it. Ben gets a rebound. Mike's there, cheering in surprise. Oh, it's so embarrassing, seeing Mikey there. Like a bad stalker ex-girlfriend. Mike makes a series of comments that prove he knows nothing about any kind of sport at all, and then makes the excuse that he's "queer." Ben says he's queer, too. Mikey's all, "Boy, you know I noticed, okaaaaaay?" Mikey can't believe how beautiful men can look in sweat suits as he watches, mouth agape, at the basketball game. One of the players announces that he has to go. Ignoring all rules of pick-up basketball, Mikey flings his arms into the air and announces that he'll cover. There's no way they'd give him the ball in the middle of the game, but they do, and Mikey awkwardly dribbles with both hands over to where Ben's standing. One of the players calls him "Mighty Mouse." Ben says that Mike's gonna get killed, and asks for the ball back. Michael says no. He says he won't give Ben the ball unless Ben agrees to go out with Michael tonight. Man, this is so embarrassing. Mike: he said no. Give it a rest. Be a stalker in private. Another player asks Mike for the ball back. Mike calls him Godzilla. "Huh?" the guy asks. Mike says he's not handing over the ball until Ben agrees to go out with him. The basketball player extra in the back is rocking like he has to pee. Ben asks Michael if he's out of his mind. Mike just keeps dribbling with both hands. Why don't they just smack the ball out of his hands? Godzilla turns to Ben and says, "I suggest you say yes, because if he's like the bitch I got at home, we're gonna be standing here all day." And with one sentence, this show has offended just about everyone in the land! Wait...maybe Asian people are still feeling like they aren't offended, since this show completely ignores them as a race. Mikey keeps acting like a moron, and Ben looks as mortified as he should.

Brian's walking his mother to church. They find a seat in the front. Brian looks at the large crucifix on the wall and jokes, "Jesus. Told him to lay off the Slim-Fast." Oh, man. There aren't even any words, you guys. There just aren't. Brian's mom asks him to behave himself in church. She says that when she comes here, she feels a sense of calm. Brian looks around the room, but doesn't bother taking his coat off. Brian's mom says she feels protected and safe. Brian says that a good security system would do the same job, and would be cheaper than a collection plate. Brian's mom says the new minister has been a great comfort to her since Brian's dad died. "He calls, he visits," she says. "He makes sure I'm all right. Oh, he's been...like a son." Brian's unamused. "Well, for his sake I sure hope you don't treat him like one," Brian winces. The new minister walks in. We're all treated to a flashback of Brian fucking the shit out of the new minister. Everyone in the congregation sits back down except Brian, with visions of minister plums still dancing in his head. Brian sits down and can't control his titters.

Music swells as the camera sweeps over a sleeping Ted. Fresh from a wonderful night's sleep, he stretches with a giant grin and looks down to find...his enormous boner! Oh, my God! A boner! A boner! RUN! RUN! RUN! Ted screams at the top of his lungs and my hand lunges for the remote control. Sadly, I cannot turn this off. Only you have the power. You lucky bastards.

Ted's screams are overlapped with the droning of the church bell. Brian's mom is going on about how great the minister is. She wants Brian to say hello to the minister. She walks Brian over, telling Brian how she's been bragging about him to the minister for a long time. She's told the minister how successful and good-looking Brian is. If Brian's mom were Debbie, I'd call that meddling. Reverend Tom turns around and hugs Brian's mother. She introduces him to Brian. The recognition is instantaneous. His name is Reverend Tom Butterfield. Butterfield's obviously worried that Brian's outed Butterfield to Brian's mother. Brian makes a joke about how it feels like they've already met. Oh, wait! Brian just broke a rule! He knows Butterfield's entire name! Brian's mom conveniently excuses herself to talk to her friend Ruth off-camera. Let's hope Ruth is the mom from Six Feet Under and she just wandered over from her time-slot to tell this show how to act like a decent show again. Brian, one foot still inside the church, lights a cigarette. "Great service," he says. Butterfield says he's glad Brian enjoyed it. "I meant, at the baths," Brian adds. Here's where Butterfield should say, "I did, too." Instead he talks to the occasional well-wisher and then chats in full volume with Brian in front of all these people how they don't know he's gay and he'd appreciate it if Brian didn't tell anybody. Brian says he won't tell his mom, since she doesn't even know Brian's gay. Brian says he hasn't talked to Butterfield's boss in years, so Butterfield's secret's safe with Brian.

"So, you fucked your mother's minister?" Mel asks. Mel and Lindsay are back, so it must be time to eat. Justin says, "You should have seen it; it was totally hot." Lindsay comments that Butterfield's taking a bit of a chance. Brian says the average age of Butterfield's parishioners is a hundred and two, so it's not all that risky. Emmett says he once wanted to be a priest, but he didn't want to live his life cloistered away in a roomful of men. His cell phone rings. It's Ted's erection, just outside, wearing a trenchcoat. He whispers fiercely, asking Emmett to come outside alone. Emmett opens the door with everyone standing there. Ted keeps his back turned and says he needs to talk to Emmett but doesn't want to come in for lunch. Emmett walks outside and says, loud enough for everyone to hear, "What do you mean, you still have an erection?" Ted calls Emmett "CNN." Ted tells everyone he took Viagra last night and he's on his eighteenth hour of hardness. Emmett asks if Ted soaked it. Lindsay recommends a cold shower. Brian suggests scaring it. "That's the hiccups," Justin smiles. "Boo!" Brian shouts at Ted's dick. Everyone laughs. Mel suggests something that would absolutely turn Ted off. Brian tells Mel and Lindz to show off their tits. Ted hisses at Emmett that he promised it would only last a few hours. Justin tells Brian to take some, since their sex life isn't what it used to be. He complains to Ted that they're only fucking four times a day lately. Ted panics. Brian tells Ted to make it until Monday. "Flag Day." Joke #4. Emmett puts on his coat and grabs the pouting Ted.

Justin and Brian fuck. They talk in between gasps for air. Justin can't believe Brian's fucking him again. Brian says that Justin's the one who wanted Brian to take Ted's Viagra. Just as they finish, there's a pounding at the door. They collapse on each other as the knocking continues. Brian says they'll go away. The pounding continues.

Covered in sweat and hard from Viagra, Brian decides to answer the door. It's his mother. Brian mostly hides behind the door as his mom asks if she's disturbing him. Wouldn't they have heard the elevator come up? Wouldn't she have heard the fucking? Mrs. Kinney has made Brian's favorite cake -- chocolate, chocolate chip. Brian lets her in, for some reason. ["Cake is a powerful motivator." -- Wing Chun] Mrs. Kinney puts the cake on the counter and says it's her way of thanking Brian for taking her to church the other day; she adds that she hopes it won't be Christmas again the time she sees him. She walks closer and closer to him, getting very close to his incredibly sweaty body. She says she's lonely now that Brian's father is gone. She's all alone every day and the phone never rings. She gets closer and closer to the Justin sweat still glistening all around Brian's naked body. She touches Brian on the back, her palm resting on a pool of sex sweat that's collected on Brian's shoulder. She wishes they could be close like they once were. "Brian?" Justin calls from the other room. "Are you coming back?" Brian does nothing as his mother realizes that Brian's got a boy in his bedroom. Justin walks down, half-naked and covered in sweat as well. I do more prep work when the FedEx guy comes when I'm in my pajamas. Don't these boys have any sense of privacy at all? Not only that, Justin's nursing his ass as he walks down the steps, just in case there was any doubt in Brian's mom's mind. There is a silence until Brian introduces his mother and his boyfriend. Justin wipes his eyes and laughs. Brian's mother runs to the door. She pushes the call button for the elevator. Why isn't the elevator there anymore? Brian walks closer to her. She's very upset. He asks if she's not talking to him anymore. She says it's a good thing Brian's father didn't know. "He did," Brian says. Brian told him before his father died. She asks if his sister knows as well. Brian's silent in response. Brian's mom can't believe she's the last to find out. She tells him that it's a sin. "That I fuck guys or that I didn't tell you?" Brian asks. That's some good family communicating, right there. Brian's mom stops for a second and then tells Brian that he's going to hell. She gets on the elevator and leaves. Brian stares at his fingers.

Emmett and Ted are at some doctor's office, but it's clearly just the corner of a room with a curtain drawn around it. The production values on this show are so sad. The doctor makes overly-doctor-sounding noises and then makes very inappropriate jokes. "That's quite a boner you've got there," he says. Dick Joke #5. Emmett asks why the dick won't go down. The doctor says it's probably a blood clot to the penis. Ted moans. Emmett says at least it's not a blood clot to the brain. Ted mentions that he thinks with his dick. Dick Joke #6. Cue the vaudeville screen joke. We can see the doctor flicking Ted's penis through the backlighting of the curtain. He says it's "extremely unusual." No, it's not that unusual. I've seen it on ER before. The doc says it's "one for the medical journals." Emmett suggests the Guinness Book of World Records. Dick Joke #7. Ted asks what he should do. The doc tells Ted to take a decongestant. He says the other option is to insert two wide needles into the shaft to drain the blood. We watch the doctor mime this through the sheet as Emmett makes a face. Ted quickly comments that decongestants have been very effective for him. Emmett asks when it'll go down. The doc says it's "hard to say." Number #8. Ted glares at Emmett.

Debbie is politely listening to small talk, but her wiggling ankle's giving her away. Ben's saying that his mother couldn't just join P-Flag -- she had to be the chapter president. Vic says that sounds familiar. Mike says they have a lot in common. Debbie stands up and announces that she's hungry. She leaves the room.

Butt shot on Mikey as he walks into the kitchen and asks Debbie if she needs any help. She quickly says she doesn't. "Ben's awesome, isn't he?" Mike asks. "Awesome," Debbie answers angrily. "Where's my goddamn cheese grater?" She starts grinding cheese as Mike says he likes Ben a lot. Debbie says she likes him, too. He's charming, smart, and good-looking. She just doesn't like him for Michael. She stops panting, throws down the cheese, and pounces on Mikey like a cobra. She's pissed off that Michael ambushed her with Ben, not warning her that he was coming when he knew how she felt about him. Mike says he doesn't need her permission. Debbie says it's still her house, and in her house he still has to say, "Mother may I." Michael says he loves Ben, and that's the reality, and Debbie will just have to live with it.

Poor Vic. They're making him wax nostalgic about his youth again. He's talking with Ben about places he loved in New York. Debbie sits quietly at the head of the table. Finally she asks Ben how long he's been positive. Michael gives a "Mother?" Debbie says she'd like to know. Ben says he's okay with her questions, and tells her he's been positive for five years. Debbie asks his T-Cell count. It's six hundred. She asks if he's ever been hospitalized. Ben knocks wood that he hasn't, and gives a quick glance to Vic, who's staring straight ahead. Debbie asks about his viral load (it's undetectable) and if he's on the cocktail (anti-virals). Mike asks what the fuck Debbie thinks she's doing. "This is the reality, sweetheart," she says calmly to Michael. "And you're just gonna have to live with it." Ben seems pretty satisfied with the conversation, even though Michael's still uncomfortable. Debbie passes Ben the garlic bread. He takes it with a smile.

Babylon. Men douse themselves with bottles of water. Emmett and Ted walk out on the dance floor. Emmett says he's glad Ted's not letting his dick get him down. "I wish something would get it down," Ted says. Dick Joke #11. Thor walks up and apologizes for missing his date with Ted the other night. Ted asks how Thor's dog is. Thor says that it turns out his dog had eaten a pair of Thor's shorts: "Caused her tummy great distress." Emmett says the same thing happens to him. Thor asks Ted if he'd like to have sex right now. "He's up for it, all right," Emmett laughs, rounding out Joke #12, and Ted leaves with Thor. Emmett dances in a very sexy, very fun way.

In the back, Thor grabs Ted's crotch and is amazed at how ready to go Ted is. He goes to his knees and pulls down Ted's pants. Ted leans back happily. Just as Ted groans, Thor gets upset. "It's going down," Thor pouts, as he strokes Ted's ass. Ted realizes that he's finally, finally gone soft, and starts shouting with glee that his dick's soft. "You made my dick soft!" he cries. Thor's embarrassed, and asks Ted not to broadcast it all over the back room, which is exactly what Ted does. He screams, "It's soft!" about a zillion times as he runs out of the room. Thanks, Thor. Thor pouts and runs away to that land where Bad Canadian Bit Part Players sit and wait for more bad television roles.

Ben and Michael go back to Ben's place. Mike apologizes for Ben having to get the "Spanish inqueersition." Bah-dum-bum. Ben says that Debbie's just trying to protect her son. Mike says he doesn't need Debbie to protect him. Ben says those are things that Mike needs to know. Ben's in good shape right now, but he can't promise that he always will be. Mike says he wants to live in the now and doesn't care what anyone else says or feels. He cares about how he feels. Michael and Ben kiss without tongue. Ben takes off his shirt. Hal Sparks starts counting one hundred dollar bills in his head as he takes off his own shirt and pecks at Ben's neck and shoulders. Ben lies back on the bed as Mike unwraps a condom. Ben tells him that he needs Mike to be "very sure." Michael smiles and says he is. He puts the condom on Ben and they roll over. Ben takes Michael's leg over his shoulder. Michael pants and looks a bit surprised. They kiss. Then it gets all blurry and it's really hard to see the gay sex. Come on! Focus! Focus! Dammit, don't focus on the Buddha! Bastards.

Babylon. Justin tells Brian to buy him a double. Brian orders two double Jim Beams. Underage drinking, on the double. Reverend Buttfuck walks up and tells the bartender that Brian's drinks are on him. Brian laughs and says it's a first: a clergyman buying someone else a drink. R.B. says Brian's mom told him Brian was at church. He thanks Brian for not saying anything. "I didn't do it for you," Brian says. Butterfield tells Brian he's a good son. Brian makes the following tiny poem: "Promise not to tell. Now if you'll excuse me I'm...going to hell." Brian dives back into the dance floor with his booze and his boy. The minister watches Brian kiss and dance with his young boyfriend.

week, Lindsay and Mel argue about the wedding and Debbie finds a body in a dumpster.