Holy Moly!

S02E09

Ted starts the small talk, and the blond won't even look over in Ted's direction. I instantly assume that the kid must be deaf, because who would be that fucking rude? He's not deaf, just an asshole, and Ted realizes the kid's never going to give even one glance in Ted's direction. He starts to leave by plugging his website, and suddenly the kid's all ears because he's some kind of porn site gold-digger or whatever. The kid suddenly introduces himself as "Thor," since Ted just seconds ago called him a Norse God. Thor asks if they can have sex soon. He hands Ted his card. "You got it," a surprised Ted responds. Thor gives an awkward wink. Do people still wink? Behind Thor, shirtless guys dance off-rhythm.

Ted walks back and announces that success is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Mikey gets all pissed off when he sees Ben dancing in the confetti below. I am really proud of myself. I haven't made one Ben Dover joke yet. Emmett calls Ben the "Hunkiest professor in the whole wide world." Ben's got an amazing torso, kids. Ted tells Mike that he did the "right thing." He reminds Michael (and us) that Ben is positive, as if there were a second any of us could forget that point. "Positively yummy!" Emmett adds. I love Emmett. I don't understand why Ted's acting like Ben's got cooties that you can catch from dancing too close to him. Is Ted living in 1986? What's going on? Ted tells Mike that there are plenty of "fuckable" guys out there that Mike doesn't have to "worry about." I think Mikey wasn't looking for "fuckable," Ted. That's you and your loserdom. Emmett pulls Ted away before we all punch him in the face. Michael watches Ben dance, and a bit of drool almost falls from Mike's lips to the top of Ben's head. Mikey tells us in a voice-over that it's true there are a lot of fuckable guys out there. In case you were looking for clarification. Mike notes that he's even dated a few.

"The only problem is they're not Ben," Michael finishes, and we're in the diner. Mel and Lindsay are there, but only so that they can eat while Michael talks. Don't look for their subplot this episode, because it's not happening. Mike says he can't stop thinking about Ben, and that he's obsessed. "And I'm trying to eat," Brian notes. Gus is huge, by the way. Huge! Lindsay says that Mike might miss Ben so much because he doesn't have anybody around to replace him. Mike says he shouldn't have let other people's opinions dictate what he did. Mel says that Mike must have had his doubts, or he would have told them all to fuck themselves. Lindsay agrees. Mike asks whether they think it's too late. Brian yells that he ordered his eggs with bacon and not group therapy. How do these guys eat so much diner food and still look like that? I hate them. Brian stands up and says, "If you want Ben back? Go fucking get him." He leaves. Debbie shouts that she's got Brian's bacon. He's gone, so she eats it, joking that she can't glue it back to the side of the pig. She can somehow see a pout through Michael stuffing his face with food, and asks what heartache is bothering him now. Lindsay mouths a "Ben" in Debbie's direction. Debbie sits and tells Mike that the right guy will come along. She pinches his face and coos that he's just like a peach. Mel and Lindz keep eating as Debbie reminds Mike that he has dinner plans at her house Monday night. It's ziti night. Mike complains that he's going to be fat and lonely. They decide to end the scene on that non-joke.