“ The camera pays close attention to Guy One and Guy Two's finely toned butts. Nice. But I betcha they'd look even better in a pair of khakis. ”
Robin Quivers. Hmmm. She has a great voice, but where are the gay creds? Anyone?
Brian's bed. Brian, in the words of tvgrid.com, is in the middle of a "hot threesome." So, basically, these two guys are all over Brian, while he lounges on his bed, eyes closed, breathing heavily. The camera pays close attention to Guy One and Guy Two's finely toned butts. Nice. But I betcha they'd look even better in a pair of khakis. The phone's ringing. Finally Guy One stops chewing on Brian's neck long enough to ask, "Are you going to get that?" Brian finds the energy to reach over for the phone. He snaps, "What?" He listens, and then, so you'd barely notice, closes his eyes and leans into Guy One's forehead for a second. Guy One doesn't notice. This might be why he doesn't have a name. The Closed Captioning describes all the heavy breathing as "GROANS OF PASSION." As opposed to what I'm doing, which would be "groans at passion." Brian asks, "When?" then says that he'll be there, and hangs up. He leans back and lets the Guys devour him some more. Brian is, like, the most selfish guy in bed. The only time you ever see him "giving" anything is with...Justin. Huh. Guy Two stops giving Brian a fake blowjob (that's got to be really hard on his neck) and asks whether everything's okay. Brian tells him someone died. Guy Two gasps in shock. Guy One stops gnawing on Brian and says that he's really sorry. Guy Two looks at Guy One and wonders if they should go. Brian asks, "Who told you to stop?" Guys One and Two shrug and go back to sucking and gnawing.
Liberty Diner. Ted, Emmett, and Mike are having breakfast. Emmett asks who they would rather sleep with -- The Professor, Gilligan, or the Skipper. Ted, predictably, picks the Professor because of his crisp shirts. The Boys briefly wonder how he kept them so crisp on a desert island. Emmett moans that he can't even find a decent dry cleaner in Pittsburgh, then asks, who would they rather sleep with, Fred Flintstone or Barney Rubble? Mike chooses Fred, because "he's a total bear." Emmett and Ted snort in laughter, and Mike asks, okay, Mr. Roper or Mr. Furley? Eww. Is death an option? ["No." -- Wing Chun] As Emmett chooses Mr. Roper -- "But only because I have an aversion to loud colors on anyone except me" -- Brian saunters in, and reposes on the booth seat right in front of them, closest to the camera. Such a drama queen. Justin walks up to The Boys' table, and Brian demands coffee. Emmett sneers, "Well, someone was up fucking until the wee hours." Justin, predictably, asks, "Was he cuter than me?" Brian checks his watch, and in his best, "why do I put up with your shit" voice, asks Justin what he's doing at the diner so early. Justin says that he picked up an extra shift before school in order to raise money for the White Party. Emmett looks back at Brian then at Mike and drawls, "Well, my, aren't you two raising him well." Mike shakes his head, like, not me, uh uh. Ted asks whether anyone wants to see the new Matt Damon movie: "I read in a chat room last night that there's a dick shot in it." So, just in case you just started watching nineteen episodes in, Justin's obsessed with Brian, Brian is unfriendly, Emmett's the most flamboyant, Mike's the level-headed one but he doesn't like Justin much, and Ted's pathetic. We all got that? Good. Mike asks Brian whether he's up for seeing Matt Damon's penis, but Brian says he can't; he has "family stuff." Mike snorts, "What, is your sister fighting with her ex-husband again?" Ah, Foreshadowing, my old friend. Grab a Woodchuck. Brian leans his head back on the wall, pauses for effect, and exhales, "My Dad died." Drama. Empress. I wouldn't normally be so harsh -- bwahahaha! Sorry, couldn't type that with a straight face -- but that might have come over better if Brian doesn't spend the rest of the week pretending he doesn't care. And he does, by the way. The Boys ask when this happened, and Brian tells them it was the day before. Justin says he's sorry, to which the Empress calmly replies, "He was sick, it was time." Brian's cool with it. No reason to get all bent out of shape or go to the diner where all his friends are and call attention to himself over it. Justin's like, yeah, but he's your dad. The Empress snaps that he's fine. Dammit. Justin's like, whatever. Ted, Emmett, and Mike just kind of look at each other uncomfortably.
Male bodies dive into a pool and undulate to the surface, before taking massive, slo-mo strokes in the water. Because, you know, we haven't had any D&A for a whole two minutes, right? Why are we here, again? Cut to Justin and Daphne dangling their feet in the pool, watching the swimmers go by. Justin tells Daphne that if his dad died, he wouldn't know what to do. I dunno, be really pissed off because he wouldn't talk to you because you're gay? Carry that anger around with you for the rest of your life, letting it affect every relationship you ever get involved in? It's what Brian would do. Daphne asks how old Pop Kinney was. Justin guesses that he was about sixty. Daphne wrinkles her cute little nose and replies, "Ancient." Justin PSAs, "Sixty's not ancient. They say kids born today are going to live past 100." Justin snickers, "Can you imagine having sex when you're a hundred?" Daphne says that she can't even imagine having sex now. Foreshadowing gets comfy on the couch and asks me to hand him a bottle opener. Justin nods over at the swimming pool and tells her to check out Kevin Chase. Daphne agrees that he's hot. Justin says that he has a huge dick, too! No more swimmers to look at, see? The House of QaF is just looking out for you. Daphne's like, how do you know? Gym class, Daphy! Duh! Daphne giggles adorably. Justin asks about another swimmer, who Daphne's not so much into. Justin likes his ass, though. And then Daphne asks, hesitantly, "What about Glen Reeves?" Cut to a strapping although very pale young lad, shaking his hair like a wet dog. Dear Lord, the boy is practically translucent. Justin says that he's okay. Daphne's like, he's just okay? Justin: "He's kind of adorable. Yeah, he's totally adorable. And, you know, I've always gotten this closeted-homo vibe from him...yeah, I bet with enough beers and the right music, we would totally be doing it." Daphne's pretty sure not. Glen walks up to them and grins down at Daphne, "Hey, you!" Daphne jumps up and gives him a hug and a kiss. Justin's mouth drops open more than usual, so he can fit his entire foot in it. Glen is, like, the tallest eighteen-year-old in the world. For a second, I thought Daphne was going to have to get a ladder. Justin recovers enough to blurt out, "What's up?" Daphne: "Gotcha!" Snicker. Glen asks if Daphne wants to come over and study at his house that evening. Big Anatomy test tomorrow, huh? Daphne says that she's supposed to study over at Justin's house. Justin agrees to give her a rain check and gets up. Daphne, locked in Glen's long-armed embrace, worriedly watches Justin sort of mope off.
Babylon! It's Police Night, so that means go-go dancers in hats, blue shirts, and black jockstraps humping each other on the raised platforms. Yawn. Sorry, but, um, what else you got? HDGBs, most wearing shirts -- see, now that's shocking -- shake it on the dance floor. Some of them even dance worse than Gale Harold does. Maybe all of the gay extras were out of town. Speaking of which, Brian trips down the stairs, finds Mike and Emmett at the bar, glances around, and comments, "Fuck! It's a hot crowd, tonight." Aw, you say that about all the HDGBs that dance as bad as you do! Mike shocks, "Brian, you shouldn't be here!" Brian asks where he should be, then. Emmett replies, "At your mom's, planning your dad's funeral?" Brian snorts that he's "practically buried." Ted: "Well, it's reassuring to know that neither rain nor snow can keep you from your appointed rounds." Brian replies, "Consistency is a rare virtue, especially in these uncertain times." The Boys offer to help out if Brian needs any assistance with the arrangements. The Empress says it's taken care of, and saunters off. Mike looks worried any way. Wow. Brian must really not care that his father died. Gosh, I hope he doesn't crack at some point. Got it. Let's keep moving.