Robin Quivers. Hmmm. She has a great voice, but where are the gay creds? Anyone?
Brian's bed. Brian, in the words of tvgrid.com, is in the middle of a "hot threesome." So, basically, these two guys are all over Brian, while he lounges on his bed, eyes closed, breathing heavily. The camera pays close attention to Guy One and Guy Two's finely toned butts. Nice. But I betcha they'd look even better in a pair of khakis. The phone's ringing. Finally Guy One stops chewing on Brian's neck long enough to ask, "Are you going to get that?" Brian finds the energy to reach over for the phone. He snaps, "What?" He listens, and then, so you'd barely notice, closes his eyes and leans into Guy One's forehead for a second. Guy One doesn't notice. This might be why he doesn't have a name. The Closed Captioning describes all the heavy breathing as "GROANS OF PASSION." As opposed to what I'm doing, which would be "groans at passion." Brian asks, "When?" then says that he'll be there, and hangs up. He leans back and lets the Guys devour him some more. Brian is, like, the most selfish guy in bed. The only time you ever see him "giving" anything is with...Justin. Huh. Guy Two stops giving Brian a fake blowjob (that's got to be really hard on his neck) and asks whether everything's okay. Brian tells him someone died. Guy Two gasps in shock. Guy One stops gnawing on Brian and says that he's really sorry. Guy Two looks at Guy One and wonders if they should go. Brian asks, "Who told you to stop?" Guys One and Two shrug and go back to sucking and gnawing.
Liberty Diner. Ted, Emmett, and Mike are having breakfast. Emmett asks who they would rather sleep with -- The Professor, Gilligan, or the Skipper. Ted, predictably, picks the Professor because of his crisp shirts. The Boys briefly wonder how he kept them so crisp on a desert island. Emmett moans that he can't even find a decent dry cleaner in Pittsburgh, then asks, who would they rather sleep with, Fred Flintstone or Barney Rubble? Mike chooses Fred, because "he's a total bear." Emmett and Ted snort in laughter, and Mike asks, okay, Mr. Roper or Mr. Furley? Eww. Is death an option? ["No." -- Wing Chun] As Emmett chooses Mr. Roper -- "But only because I have an aversion to loud colors on anyone except me" -- Brian saunters in, and reposes on the booth seat right in front of them, closest to the camera. Such a drama queen. Justin walks up to The Boys' table, and Brian demands coffee. Emmett sneers, "Well, someone was up fucking until the wee hours." Justin, predictably, asks, "Was he cuter than me?" Brian checks his watch, and in his best, "why do I put up with your shit" voice, asks Justin what he's doing at the diner so early. Justin says that he picked up an extra shift before school in order to raise money for the White Party. Emmett looks back at Brian then at Mike and drawls, "Well, my, aren't you two raising him well." Mike shakes his head, like, not me, uh uh. Ted asks whether anyone wants to see the new Matt Damon movie: "I read in a chat room last night that there's a dick shot in it." So, just in case you just started watching nineteen episodes in, Justin's obsessed with Brian, Brian is unfriendly, Emmett's the most flamboyant, Mike's the level-headed one but he doesn't like Justin much, and Ted's pathetic. We all got that? Good. Mike asks Brian whether he's up for seeing Matt Damon's penis, but Brian says he can't; he has "family stuff." Mike snorts, "What, is your sister fighting with her ex-husband again?" Ah, Foreshadowing, my old friend. Grab a Woodchuck. Brian leans his head back on the wall, pauses for effect, and exhales, "My Dad died." Drama. Empress. I wouldn't normally be so harsh -- bwahahaha! Sorry, couldn't type that with a straight face -- but that might have come over better if Brian doesn't spend the rest of the week pretending he doesn't care. And he does, by the way. The Boys ask when this happened, and Brian tells them it was the day before. Justin says he's sorry, to which the Empress calmly replies, "He was sick, it was time." Brian's cool with it. No reason to get all bent out of shape or go to the diner where all his friends are and call attention to himself over it. Justin's like, yeah, but he's your dad. The Empress snaps that he's fine. Dammit. Justin's like, whatever. Ted, Emmett, and Mike just kind of look at each other uncomfortably.
Male bodies dive into a pool and undulate to the surface, before taking massive, slo-mo strokes in the water. Because, you know, we haven't had any D&A for a whole two minutes, right? Why are we here, again? Cut to Justin and Daphne dangling their feet in the pool, watching the swimmers go by. Justin tells Daphne that if his dad died, he wouldn't know what to do. I dunno, be really pissed off because he wouldn't talk to you because you're gay? Carry that anger around with you for the rest of your life, letting it affect every relationship you ever get involved in? It's what Brian would do. Daphne asks how old Pop Kinney was. Justin guesses that he was about sixty. Daphne wrinkles her cute little nose and replies, "Ancient." Justin PSAs, "Sixty's not ancient. They say kids born today are going to live past 100." Justin snickers, "Can you imagine having sex when you're a hundred?" Daphne says that she can't even imagine having sex now. Foreshadowing gets comfy on the couch and asks me to hand him a bottle opener. Justin nods over at the swimming pool and tells her to check out Kevin Chase. Daphne agrees that he's hot. Justin says that he has a huge dick, too! No more swimmers to look at, see? The House of QaF is just looking out for you. Daphne's like, how do you know? Gym class, Daphy! Duh! Daphne giggles adorably. Justin asks about another swimmer, who Daphne's not so much into. Justin likes his ass, though. And then Daphne asks, hesitantly, "What about Glen Reeves?" Cut to a strapping although very pale young lad, shaking his hair like a wet dog. Dear Lord, the boy is practically translucent. Justin says that he's okay. Daphne's like, he's just okay? Justin: "He's kind of adorable. Yeah, he's totally adorable. And, you know, I've always gotten this closeted-homo vibe from him...yeah, I bet with enough beers and the right music, we would totally be doing it." Daphne's pretty sure not. Glen walks up to them and grins down at Daphne, "Hey, you!" Daphne jumps up and gives him a hug and a kiss. Justin's mouth drops open more than usual, so he can fit his entire foot in it. Glen is, like, the tallest eighteen-year-old in the world. For a second, I thought Daphne was going to have to get a ladder. Justin recovers enough to blurt out, "What's up?" Daphne: "Gotcha!" Snicker. Glen asks if Daphne wants to come over and study at his house that evening. Big Anatomy test tomorrow, huh? Daphne says that she's supposed to study over at Justin's house. Justin agrees to give her a rain check and gets up. Daphne, locked in Glen's long-armed embrace, worriedly watches Justin sort of mope off.
Babylon! It's Police Night, so that means go-go dancers in hats, blue shirts, and black jockstraps humping each other on the raised platforms. Yawn. Sorry, but, um, what else you got? HDGBs, most wearing shirts -- see, now that's shocking -- shake it on the dance floor. Some of them even dance worse than Gale Harold does. Maybe all of the gay extras were out of town. Speaking of which, Brian trips down the stairs, finds Mike and Emmett at the bar, glances around, and comments, "Fuck! It's a hot crowd, tonight." Aw, you say that about all the HDGBs that dance as bad as you do! Mike shocks, "Brian, you shouldn't be here!" Brian asks where he should be, then. Emmett replies, "At your mom's, planning your dad's funeral?" Brian snorts that he's "practically buried." Ted: "Well, it's reassuring to know that neither rain nor snow can keep you from your appointed rounds." Brian replies, "Consistency is a rare virtue, especially in these uncertain times." The Boys offer to help out if Brian needs any assistance with the arrangements. The Empress says it's taken care of, and saunters off. Mike looks worried any way. Wow. Brian must really not care that his father died. Gosh, I hope he doesn't crack at some point. Got it. Let's keep moving.
Brian walks into the Back Room of Sex. He exchanges The Look with one guy, but it doesn't take. Brian keeps walking, past people engaged in blowjobs, rimming, and videos of people engaged in blowjobs and rimming. Enough is never enough in the House of QaF. And, there's like, stalactites on the ceiling. Were there always stalactites on the ceiling of the Back Room of Sex? Wow. Naked men having sex is actually becoming boring. I can't believe this. Why is everyone so hairless? No one has any hair anywhere. Let's see...uh, the set's bathed in a blue light. That's new, too. No, sorry: I still really, really, don't care. Brian wanders around some more, possibly searching for a plot. Got to be one in here somewhere. Brian spots a nice young gentleman with a well-muscled chest, and as a non-verbal cue, takes off his shirt. Chest Guy strides over and starts sucking on the area immediately in front of Brian's crotch. All of a sudden, Mikey appears, just like old times. He demands to know what Brian is doing. Nothing, really, but the other guy's pretending to suck his dick. Mike's outraged that Brian could even think about sex at a time like this. Brian replies, "What can I say? Death gives me a real hard-on." Like there's something that doesn't. Chest Guy ignores them and continues the fake blowjob. Mike offers to take Brian home, and shrieks, "Jesus, Brian, your dad just died! How can you even think about getting your dick sucked?!" Brian shrugs, "This is my grief counseling." Also what he does when he's celebrating. And if he's got a few minutes waiting in line at the supermarket, probably. Mike's disgusted and stomps out, giving us another good look at the back of Chest Guy's head.
School's out, and as Justin and Daphne are leaving, Justin asks whether Glen is actually Daphne's boyfriend. Daphne shrugs that she guesses so. Justin's a little upset that he wasn't told. Daphne snorts, "You've been fucking some twenty-nine-year-old guy the whole year. Why can't I see someone, too?" Daphne says that she and Glen have been going out for about a month, and that their relationship blossomed over many IM sessions. Justin's kind of feeling left out, it seems. Daphne asks, "But we're still best friends, right?" Justin kind of shrugs, but, with extra prodding, agrees that they are. Warm fuzzies! Justin asks whether Daphne and Glen have "done the nasty yet." "Done the nasty." We used to say that in high school. Back in Freshman Year. In 1985. Daphne says no, but they've messed around some. She adds that they're both willing to "do more" -- well, Glen is; Daphne's not too sure. Okay, brace yourself, people. Daphne continues that Glen is "more experienced" than she is, "and [she] does not want to come off as a total freak who doesn't have a clue." Justin shrugs that she should practice first. And how, exactly, pray tell, should she do that? Daphne says that she's heard lots of horror stories about losing one's virginity: "If the guy isn't careful, it can be really painful." Justin nods that he was really lucky because Brian went slow. Last warning: Buckle up. Daphne: "That's why I want my first time to be with someone who knows what it feels like." She shyly looks up at Justin. OhGodno. "Like you," she adds. Please, Lord, have I not suffered enough? Emmett sleeping with a girl, Mike almost sleeping with a girl, pretty much any dialogue that comes out of Gale Harold's mouth, adulterous lesbians, numerous, cheesy fake sex scenes, and now this? Justin doesn't say anything. Daphne giggles nervously. I smell a set-up.
Woody's. Emmett: "She wants you to fuck her?" Justin nods yes, laughing. Ted: "Gay men and straight girls sleeping together. Isn't that a sign of the apocalypse?" Brian asks Justin if he's ever "been with a woman." The hell? Are we actually discussing this as a possibility? Justin: "Lots of times. When I was fourteen, I had sex with four girls at summer camp; when I was fifteen, I had an affair with my mom's best friend; when I was sixteen, I had an affair with Mrs. Elstead, my Geometry teacher." The boys are like, really? Justin snorts, "No. No!" The boys bust up. Emmett's curious: "Well, then, how do you know you can?" What are you talking about? They don't make them much gayer than you, and you did. Brian: "Because at his age he could rub up against a tree and have a hard-on." Oh, yeah, like you couldn't? Whatever. Emmett then changes gears and says that he can give Justin a few pointers. Brian sneers, "Banging a bull dyke for Jesus isn't exactly making love." Line of the night, folks. Mike pipes up that he's "sort of been with a woman." Huh? Mike continues, "Tenth grade. Marcia Grundig gave me a blowjob." The Boys are all, wow. Like they didn't know straight girls could do that. Straight people and their world. So unfamiliar. So new. Mike adds, "Well, she didn't just give it to me; she charged me five bucks. She charged everybody five bucks." Emmett: "That's a...touching...memory." Justin shakes his head and says that he knows he'd be doing Daphne a favor, but he still feels weird about it. Ugh -- that anyone would say, "I'm doing Daphne a favor by having sex with her." Daphne's being done the favor. Someone get that girl a mirror. Ted says that it's a real compliment for Daphne to ask him, and Mike adds that it means that she really trusts him. Yeah. Because Mike and Ted know so much about women, right? Or, for that matter, men. Or, for that matter, themselves. What it means, morons, is that Daphne has a crush on Justin, but that she got a straight boyfriend, and that this way she can have her cake and have him eat her, too. This is just the kind of lame-ass thing a teenage girl would convince herself she could do. So simple, if you don't throw in basic human emotions. Wow, that was a rant, wasn't it? Sorry. Off the box, now. Emmett throws an arm around Justin and sighs, "Go to her, Justin. Teach her what it is to be a real woman." Brian snorts, "Like someone taught you?" Emmett smacks him. I can't believe this is happening to me.
Enter Blake. Just bounces in, nice as you please. Ted freezes. And swears. Emmett says that Ted was bound to see him eventually. Small town. Ted's like, why, why did it have to be tonight?! Ted wonders whether he should apologize. Emmett replies, "No, you should answer this: Lenny or Squiggy?" Ew. Death. Definitely death. In order to avoid answering, Ted leaps up and walks over to Blake. Blake apprehensively tells him that he doesn't have his money. Ted replies that he found his wallet. Blake congratulates him. Ted says he feels horrible, and he knows Blake is going through a tough time: "But if you need anything -- a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on, an objective eye..." Blake: "How about throwing in an arm and a leg?" Ted snorts, nodding, "That, too." He shrugs and leaves. Blake thoughtfully looks after him.
The House that Dysfunction Built. Brian goes through his dad's closet and pulls out a suit. It's the suit his father's going to be buried in: "Worn out and dreary, just like him." Mike, also in the room, asks whether Brian should run it by his sister first. Brian shakes his head; it'll just make her sister cry. Again. Mike frowns, "Well, at least she's expressing how she feels." Brian says that she's just milking it for attention. Jealous? Mike snaps that he shouldn't be so cynical. Brian sighs, "Claire is a cunt. Dad couldn't stand her. Her husband couldn't stand her. Her fucking kids can't stand her." Brian says that since his sister is beside herself, he's had to take charge of the arrangements. Mike offers to help. Brian hands him a tie rack and tells him, "See if you can find [one] that's not too offensive, if that's possible." Mrs. Kinney walks in, and the temperature drops a few degrees. She calls Brian's name and he nearly snaps her head off. Regally raising an eyebrow, she asks, "Packets or sugarcubes?" Huh? Folding her arms, she continues, "We're going to have a houseful of guests, I don't know what people prefer." And Brian does? Brian assures her that no one's going to care. Mrs. Kinney just looks annoyed, and seriously -- take it from someone who's had a little experience with this -- Mrs. Kinney totally acts, and looks, like someone who feels she married far beneath herself. Mike helpfully adds that Debbie always says that people prefer the packets at the diner, because it gives them a choice of how much sugar to use. And he, like, reverts to a twelve-year-old when he says it. Mrs. Kinney cuts him off to ask how Debbie is. Mike's hands get all twisty on the tie rack as he replies that Debbie's fine, thanks so very much for asking, Mrs. Kinney, ma'am. Mrs. Kinney: "She was always such a...character. Please remember to thank her for the [wincing in order to jog her memory] sandwich platter." "Character"? I'm sorry, did she just more or less insult Mike's mother to his face? Mike lets it pass, and says that he'll tell Debbie, and that he's real sorry for her loss. Losing patience, she cuts Mike off again to thank him, so that she can move on to more important matters. Jesus Christ. She tells Brian that if he sees anything he wants, he should take it. She's already called Goodwill for a pick-up the day. Brian doesn't seem too surprised, but remarks that it's pretty quick. Mrs. Kinney mutters, "Well, I don't like to see things lying around -- you know that." My God, and I complained when Jack called her "The Warden." Brian finds his father's bowling ball, causing his mother to comment bitterly, "Your father spent more weekends with that than he did with me." Can't imagine why. Brian looks up like he's thinking, "Sold!" All his, baby. The Ice Queen nods and sighs, "Packets, right. Glad that's decided." And leaves. Mike, still twisting the tie rack, says that he forgot what it was like at Brian's. Brian replies by saying that's why he was always at Mike's.
Ted's. Blake hesitantly knocks on the door. Blake looks older every time we see him. It's obviously pretty late; when Ted opens the door, he's got a serious case of bedhead. Blake doesn't say "hi" or anything, just launches in: "A guy threw up on my bed." Basically, at whatever hellhole Blake is currently staying, someone more drugged-out than Blake is barfed on his sleeping bag. Ted says that's horrible. Blake says he can't stay there anymore. Ted says he doesn't blame him. Blake asks, since Ted offered him...well, anything, if he could stay with him for a while. Ted invites him in. Blake asks whether he's sure. Ted says that he can stay for a couple of nights, or whatever. He asks where Blake's stuff is; Blake holds up a backpack. Ted chuckles, "Well, it's always good to travel light." Blake assures Ted that he's clean; Ted assures him that he believes him. Then they more or less jump on each other to the point where I feared for the safety of their teeth. Coming up for air, Ted tries to cool it down, "Let's not...rush into this. I mean, we both need time to, uh...process how we feel." Right. He tries to mutter some more stuff about responsibility, but Blake's standing there looking all cute and cute and really cute and stuff, so Ted ends up jumping him again, as the aria from La Traviata plays in the background...
...and carries over the day in a snowy cemetery, as Jack Kinney -- Husband, Father, and regular son of a bitch -- is laid to rest. The Boys are there, plus Brian's Lesbians. Debbie's not, which is odd. Neither is The Demon, but I'm not complaining. Brian stands with his family. His sister sobs loudly while The Ice Queen looks annoyed. Finally Brian can't stand it any more and, clenching his jaw, walks away from the mourners. Mike follows him. Brian, with a pained expression on his face, hands Mike his umbrella and pulls out a handkerchief. Mike rubs Brian's back in comfort as Brian opens up the handkerchief and pulls out...a joint. He puts the slightly bent joint in his mouth, lights it, and offers Mike a hit. Ha!
The House that Dysfunction Built. Claire wanders around, inconsolable, picking up plates and sniffling. The Ice Queen pulls her aside and tells her to pull herself together. Claire snaps, "Daddy just died, Mother! I am allowed to fall apart." The Ice Queen shrugs, "Fine. Fall apart." The Princess of Pain shuffles onward, offering sandwiches to other mourners and trying not to cry.
The Boys and Brian's Lesbians are a little ways off. Emmett asks whether they may leave, because they've been there, like, forever. Melanie Marcus tells him to keep it down. Mike says that they have to stay for Brian. Brian's Lesbians marvel that Brian hasn't said a word or cried this whole time. Mike points out that Claire, who's broken down again right behind them, is making up for it. The Princess of Pain sobs on her way to offering more people more sandwiches. The Ice Queen rolls her eyes. The Drama Empress scowls on the couch, holding his father's bowling bag. His nephews come up and ask him what's in it. Brian: "Grandpa's head. Wanna see it?" The boys run off screaming. Brian settles back and pulls the bowling ball out, cradling it like a baby. His baby, dammit.
Across the room, St. L. says that she and Melanie Marcus have to go and pick up Gus. Ted says that he has to go, too, because he has someone staying with him. Emmett's like, you do? And then realizes that he's talking about Blake. The Princess of Pain shuffles back -- and man, does she look washed out -- and says she thought it would be nice if they all shared a good memory of Jack. She asks the priest to go first, but the priest didn't know him very well. Claire asks whether anyone else wants to go. The Ice Queen's not about to, and neither is anyone else. In the face of the overwhelming silence, Lindsay decides to give it a shot: one day, when she and Brian were in college, Jack told her that she smelled nice. And then gave her a mint. Yep. That's it. Brian's about to start snickering. The Ice Queen, who appears to be wearing a housedress of some kind, is beginning to get embarrassed. Mike pipes up with a childhood tale: once, Pop Kinney took him and Brian bowling. Neither Mike nor Brian could bowl very well. They threw gutter after gutter ball. And then, all of a sudden, Brian threw a strike. And Mike and Brian were jumping up and down, and so excited that they didn't realize that Jack had come back from the bar (!) and had seen the whole thing. And Jack ran over and hugged Brian, and kissed him, and told him how proud he was of him, and does this sound like bullshit to anyone else? Because it sure sounds like it to me. Everyone seems impressed by this story, possibly because it doesn't sound at all like the irritable codger they've all grown to know and tolerate. Brian smiles at Mike dangerously. Claire thanks Michael for that nice piece of fiction, and cries some more. The Ice Queen says that it was a lovely story -- emphasis on "story" -- and downs her drink. Brian says that it makes him want to share one of his own: the night Ma Kinney told Pa Kinney that she was pregnant with Brian, "he told her to put on her most beautiful dress, took her to the most expensive restaurant in town, and then -- get this -- leaned over and said, 'Joanie, you're getting yourself an abortion. Because I don't want another fuckin' kid.'" The Ice Queen doesn't look any more irritated than she did before. Brian asks, "Claire, was there anything you wanted to share?" The Princess of Pain sniffles some more, glares around at everyone, and shuffles off.
Justin's room. Daphne's with him. Why? Why? Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this? Justin asks if she wants to listen to some music. He has to ask her twice because she zoned out. Yes, she would like to listen to some music. Daphne asks how long he thinks this is going to take. I'm in hell. Justin's not sure -- maybe an hour? And knowing the House of QaF, I wouldn't at all be surprised if it literally takes an hour. Daphne says that she promised her mom that she'd be home by six because her grandmother's coming over for dinner, and uh...Justin says that they don't have to go through with it, if she doesn't want to. No, Daphne says, she still wants to, because a week ago I accidentally kicked a puppy, and laughed when he yelped. Daphne asks whether he has condoms. Justin snorts, "Are you kidding?" Daphne says she brought some, just in case he didn't. And spermicidal foam. And lubricant. Justin commends her for being so prepared. Smart enough to bring all the stuff, but not smart enough to realize that this is the worst idea she's ever come up with in her young life. Hopefully, it's all uphill from here. They awkwardly sit down on the bed. Daphne grins shyly and says, "In a way, this is your first time, too." Justin gamely replies, "Yeah. We can give it a shot together." I may throw up. Justin adds, "Only afterwards, Daph? Let's not get weird." Daphne's like, "Weird how?" Oh, you know, stalking Justin, thinking he's in love with you or you're in love with him just because you've had sex. Justin knows all about it. Puts quite a kink in one's friendship, too. Daphne promises no weirdness. And then they kiss.
And then later on -- oh, god! -- they're in bed and Justin's -- Justin's moving on top of her, and I have to sit on my hands a minute to stop them from reflexively ripping my eyeballs out of my head. Daphne's still wearing her bra, which is good, because that's the only thing standing between me and a Braille keyboard. I knew I should have gotten drunk for this.
Whew. That night, Ted and Emmett stroll down some street, laughing about the outtakes from "Funeral from Hell" that we didn't get to see: Brian's sister screaming, "You shit! You shit!" presumably at Brian, and the priest carrying The Ice Queen up to her room. Emmett notes that they didn't come back down for an hour. Ted's like, hmmm. Whatever. The priest is shtupping the grieving widow. Yawn. Emmett wonders if Brian's story was true. Ted replies that even though Brian often goes for the shock value, the story was pretty believable. Emmett can't imagine how Brian grew up in the House that Dysfunction Built: "How did he ever survive?" Ted: "Who's to say that he did?" Word. Ted looks at some flowers in front of a store window, and Emmett sneers something about Ted's "romantic dinner for two." Ted says that he's going to use the china his grandmother left him. Emmett tells him not to forget the good crystal: "I'm sure Blake will appreciate that." Ted tells him to fuck off; Blake's not using anymore. Emmett asks the street for a show of hands: "How many people believe that the twink is no longer tweaking? No one." Ted plays along and snorts, "Yeah, well, you're all wrong." Emmett says that Ted's the one who's wrong: "Believe me, I know." Emmett needs to back off a bit, there. Ted says no, Emmett doesn't know, and furthermore, he's just jealous. Emmett's like, how's that, now? Ted continues, "Jealous that I've found someone who cares about me and wants to be with me." Uh huh. Right. Like Emmett couldn't go out and get his own tweaked-out drug addict. Emmett says that Blake is using him. Ted snipes, "That's not true. You just don't want me to have something because you don't have it. Like every other fag in the world." Yes, that's right. Y'all just get more brilliant every day, don'tcha?
Brian's loft. Mikey's lecturing Brian that he should apologize. Brian's not sure what he's apologizing for. Mike storms that it was his father's funeral, and that Brian's dad earned his respect, even if he was a shit. Brian, well into what looks like a bottle of rum, snarls, "Bullshit. If you don't earn respect when you're alive, you don't deserve it when you're dead." Brian compliments Mike on his respectfulness, though: "Everyone was very touched by your little memory. Only you don't remember shit." Brian stumbles up to his bed, snaps open a popper, and takes a hit. Mike tsks, "Haven't you abused yourself enough?" Brian: "No!" Snicker. They plop down on the bed and Brian corrects Mike's tale (that's "tale," not "tail," so don't get excited): Brian did get a strike, they were jumping up and down, Jack did come back from the bar and surprise them, but Mike's the one who hugged Brian, not Jack -- "That was just your 'gee, I wish I had a daddy' fantasy," Brian tells Mike -- and Brian gave Mike a big kiss. Which is when Jack yelled, "What are you, a couple of fucking fairies?" Brian says that he pushed Mike away so hard, he "practically rolled down the lane." And then Brian ran away. Brian gets up because it's hot in the loft, and standing up is the only way he can dramatically rip off his shirt, popping all the buttons. Still needs to get back into the crunches. Mike stops him and makes him lie down on the bed. He mutters that maybe giving Brian coffee wasn't such a good idea, and takes Brian's shoes off and starts to unbutton his pants so he can put him to bed. All of a sudden, Brian grabs Mike and asks him to stay with him. He pulls Mike down as Mike agrees to stay for a little while. They snuggle, and then Brian pushes Mike onto his back and starts to kiss him. Mike's all, what are you doing?! Brian, unzipping Mike's pants, says he's just messing around. Mike stops him, and Brian asks him, "Isn't that what you've always wanted, Michael?" Mike: "What, a drunken fuck so you don't have to think about your dad? I never wanted that." Brian rolls off him as Mike sits up, probably thinking, wait a minute, was that right?
Babylon! Once again, a disappointing majority of HDGBs are wearing shirts. to the stairs, Emmett's making out with one of them. Nice kissing. It looks like fun. Emmett pulls back and croons, "You are the best kisser, hands down." Kissing Guy moves his hands down from Emmett's shoulders. Emmett tells him that that was just an expression. Hee! As Emmett's chewing on Kissing Guy's ear, he sees Blake at the upstairs bar, talking to some shaggy-haired guy. Emmett tells Kissing Guy not to go anywhere, and stalks upstairs, past all these men, wearing shirts. Isn't it hot in there? They should really take their shirts off. Emmett taps Blake on the shoulder. Blake tells him he doesn't want to dance. Emmett replies that he wasn't going to ask. He asks Shaggy to excuse them. Blake doesn't recognize Emmett and asks who he is. Emmett reminds Blake that he's Ted's friend, and that they met the night Blake collapsed in the restroom. Emmett and Ted rushed him to the hospital? Blake sheepishly replies that he remembers. Emmett politely inquires after Blake's health. Blake says that he's fine, and that he's staying with Ted. Emmett asks, curiously, "So, why aren't you there, talking to [Ted] instead of here, talking to a dealer?" That's a good question. Blake? Shaggy's just a friend, he says. Emmett snorts, "Honey, don't bullshit me. Ted, maybe. He doesn't know about these things. But we do....I tried to warn him, but he wouldn't listen. Because he loves you. In fact, he loves you so much, he believes you're clean. Imagine that!" Blake says that he loves Ted, too. Oh, I can't help it -- awww! Emmett slams him down, though. Blake doesn't love Ted, Blake loves drugs. Emmett: "So get drugs. Here, I will even give you the money. But leave him alone. Because if you break his heart, I will break your face!"
Liberty Diner. Daphne, looking all cute and non-virginal, walks in in slo-mo, with a much less cute friend. Justin's startled to see her, but happy. Daphne gives him the Big Smile -- oh, shit -- and says she just dropped by to say hi. Justin greets the other girl, whose name is September. As in the month. Justin asks if they want something to eat, on the house? Daphne orders a hot fudge sundae. Seppy (I don't know, there's no way people are actually running around calling her "September") declines, because she's on a diet, seeing as prom is only four months away. Justin shrugs okay, and Seppy adds, "I suppose you two are going [to the Prom] together?" Wha? Daphne giggles, embarrassed. Justin asks if he can talk to Daphne for just a minute. Over in the corner over there. Daphne tries to play like she didn't say anything, but duh. Daphne says that they never agreed to keep it a secret: "What's so terrible? The worst thing that could happen is that people think you're straight." No, the worst thing that could happen is that people ask Justin about it, and he tells them, every single one of them, that he only slept with you because you asked him to. As a favor. And don't knock the gay thing -- Justin's been through a lot just standing up for his God-given homosexual rights. Unbelievable: Daphne's actually pissing me off. Daphne continues, "Besides which, it was nice. I wanted to share it with someone." Someone discreet, like Seppy over there. Seppy grins at them hopefully. Justin decides to let it go. Daphne says that she thought they could do something when he gets off work. Justin says he has plans. Daphne's like, what plans? You didn't tell me about any plans. Oh, like, calling Brian and asking for advice on how to deter stalkers. Stuff like that. Karma is a bitch, isn't it, Justin? Justin asks why she doesn't hang out with Glen. Daphne, with a perfectly innocent expression on her face, says that they broke up. Turns out they didn't have that much in common. Justin's getting a little flustered. Daphne shrugs, "Lately, Glen and I have been running out of things to chat about. That never happens to you and me." And I got to tell you, I did a lot of dumb, stupid things when I was high school? And college? And, like, yesterday? But never anything like this. Total set-up, total manipulation on her part --and the capper is, she probably doesn't even realize what she was doing.
Ted's office. He's on a conference call with Emmett and Mike. Seems Blake's gone AWOL. Ted's been looking everywhere. Emmett drawls something about only running into people when you're not looking for them. Whatever. Ted's worried: "He never came home." Emmett snaps, "Home?" Mike suggests calling the police or the hospitals. Emmett suggests calling the morgue. Ted suggests that they both suggest something more helpful and less alarming. Emmett: "Forget why he left or where he went, and just be grateful that he's gone." Yes, I'm sure Ted will get right on that.
The Happy Fun House. Justin helps Brian's Lesbians to get their new bed up the stairs. Justin asks why they didn't buy one at a department store, preferably one with free delivery. St. L., as Melanie Marcus giggles, says that she saw an ad for 50% off, and couldn't resist. Justin snorts, "So, in order to save a hundred bucks, you risked permanent back injury. Women are so fucking weird." Yep, just when we were doing so well, we're back on the awkward dialogue transitions. St. L. demands to know why that's a woman thing. Justin argues that no guy, unless he didn't have the money, would do something like that. That's so not true. Most guys I know would be insulted that they would even need the damn thing delivered, and if challenged, would probably agree to carry the bed, box spring included, on their heads all the way home. Just to prove they could. Shut up, Justin. Justin continues, "And you're weird about sex. After I had sex with my friend Daphne, she flipped out." Brian's Lesbians are like, what? And, uh, Justin, honey? After you had sex with Brian? You flipped out. Remember you spent the first four weeks trying to convince anyone who would listen that the two of you were in love? Following him around? Sleeping with him some more and getting dissed, always? Karma: not just a former member of the New Mutants. Look it up. Justin explains to Brian's Lesbians that Daphne wanted him to be her first, and on Mel and Lindsay's look, is like, what's the big deal? Lindsay asks how it was. Justin says that Daphne's going to need a little practice. Grrr. Justin adds that the point is that they agreed that nothing would change, and now he thinks that Daph's in love with him. But this scenario doesn't sound familiar to him, nor to anyone else in the room. I would have given the House of QaF full props if Melanie Marcus bust out laughing at him right now. But no, Melanie Marcus and Lindsay actually let him off easy! Lindsay starts by saying that it's not so easy for a woman to separate sex and love as it is for a man. Yes, it is. Melanie Marcus adds that that was always her biggest complaint about men. Lindsay says, "And here you are, allowing someone to come inside your body." Sound familiar, Sunshine? Melanie Marcus continues, "And you've never felt so close to anyone in your life." St. L. ends, "And before you know it, you're falling in love with this person, because they've made you feel like how you never thought you could feel." Ringing any bells there, babe? Melanie Marcus asks if Justin understands now. Justin nods mutely. But he really doesn't.
The Bowling Alley. Mike rushes up to Brian, who's wearing his dad's old bowling shirt, has The Ball, and is putting on his bowling shoes. Mike babbles that Brian's urgent message interrupted the Big Q's biggest sale of the year. Brian ignores him and says, "After your touching eulogy, I decided to come here and pay my respects to Jack Kinney...so what do you say we roll one for the old fuck?" Mike goes first. Gutterball. The mean heterosexual male bowlers in the lane laugh. Actually, so did I. Brian clears his throat and says, "Herteros: One, Homos: Nothing." Mike's like, okay, can I go now? Nope, it's Brian's turn. He strides up to the alley in slow-mo, takes a sec with the ball, and, with perfect form, throws it down the lane. It's a strike. And the House of QaF gives it to us four times from four different angles, just so we're sure. A little confused about how many strikes Brian made, perhaps, but sure that he made them. One. Made one. We think. Mike jumps up and cheers. Brian raises his hands in triumph, and then makes obscene gestures with his crotch towards the derisive straight men, crowing, "That's right. The fucking fairies got a strike! The fucking fairies are jumping up and down! The fucking fairies are celebrating!" He grabs Mike, leans him back, and gives him a big kiss and then a hug.
Looks like Daphne has an after-school job at a music store, like all the cool kids do. I had an after-school job at a bookstore, like all the geeky kids do. I wanted to work in a comic-book store, because the guys that worked there were real cute. You know, for comic-book guys. I've got this thing for pretentious guys in glasses. Never mind. Anyway. Justin walks into the music store, and Daphne leans over the counter for a kiss. She's even happy with the kiss on the cheek Justin gives her, because she's lost her damn mind. She tells him to check out the new Pansy Division album. He says maybe time. She says that she likes his shirt, and that it goes well with his eyes. He reminds her that she's seen the shirt a million times. Daphne says that she never noticed, but she does now. This is physically painful. Justin's like, yeah, okay, we need to talk. He was going to send her an email (!), but the he thought he'd come talk to her in person. Daphne invites him to come over to her house after she gets off work, since her parents won't be home. Justin nixes that idea real quick. He says that he just wants her to understand that just because they had sex one time, it doesn't mean that they're going out. But Justin, that's not what you said a couple of months ago about Brian! Daphne rolls her eyes and replies that she knows that! Justin points out that she's been calling him eight times a day. Daphne doesn't think so. Justin: "You're right. It was eleven; I'm counting three hang-ups." Ouch. Justin adds that the card was a bit much, too: "'Friendship is the highest form of love'?" He snickers a little, too. Hypocrisy is the highest form of being a pain in the ass, Justin. Daphne shrinks and says that she gets it, already; there's no need to humiliate her more: "I guess when you've slept as many guys as you have, I'm sure that's all it was -- just another fuck!" "Just another fuck." Why does that sound familiar? Ah, yes, because Justin accused Brian of thinking of him the same way. Justin says he didn't say that, and besides which, he hasn't slept with that many guys. Daphne refuses to talk about it anymore! Justin sticks the knife in a little further, continuing, "I was doing you a favor! That's all it was. That's all it was meant to be. Now, you've totally gotten weird, which we agreed would not happen." Daphne snaps that she's not the one that got weird. Yes, you are. I have to agree with Justin on this one. This was a bad idea, but Daphne's totally the one who freaked out afterwards, understandable or not. Daphne says, completely off the subject, that ever since Justin met Brian, he's becoming a different person, going off to bars and clubs, etc., and she feels like she doesn't even know Justin any more: "You've just become this full-time homosexual." Might be because he is a full-time homosexual, who, you know, doesn't really like girls. Justin's mouth drops open in shock. Again. Still. Close your mouth, Justin.
The friendly neighborhood flophouse. Ted finds Blake passed out on the basement floor. He gently wakes Blake up. Blake asks how Ted found him. Ted tells him that along with being an accountant, he's also "a part-time sleuth." Blake, half-conscious, says Ted's funny. Ted snorts, "Yeah. Sheer terror piques my wit." Ted notes that Blake's hands are cold, even though the screen is doing that shimmery thing like it's supposed to be really warm in the basement. Ted tells Blake that he wants him to come back and stay at his house. Blake cries that he'll screw it up. Ted says that he'll make sure that Blake doesn't, and that he'll take care of him. Blake tells Ted to leave. Ted: "And leave you sleeping on a mattress that some asshole threw up on?" Blake confesses that he was the asshole that threw up on it. Ted takes Blake in his arms. Blake turns away, because his breath smells bad, but as an aria plays, Ted kisses him anyway. Blake asks how La Traviata ends: "Does what's-his-name marry the slut?" Ted replies that of course he does. And they all lived happily ever after. Liar. I know nothing about this particular one, but 'opera' has always been synonymous with 'tragic ending.' ["Camper's right." -- Wing Chun] Blake's going to be pissed when he reads the liner notes.
Brian's Jeep. Brian stops the car and pulls the bowling bag out of the back seat. Mike asks what he's doing. Brian yanks the ball out and stands in the middle of the street. He throws the ball down the street, and it rolls into the darkness, disappearing forever. He lifts his arms in triumph once again, and calls out, "So long, Jack!" A little quieter, he adds, "You son of a bitch." He turns to see Michael by his side, and hugs him tight, crying at last. And making me teary, too, bastard. The last shot is of Brian staring into nothing over Mike's shoulder. No, I'm fine. Just -- sniff -- leave me alone for a minute.
episode is on June 10. No previews, although I still haven't decided whether I'm going to watch Further Tales of the City. Have a good hiatus, y'all. Go outside some, it's real pretty.