Okay, so I missed The Sopranos last week? Went out to dinner. You don't care. Anyway, so I missed The Sopranos, got back in time for QaF, and the day I got an IM from my friend Scott, who was flooredby some scene between Tony and his new floozy at the zoo. So floored, in fact, that he didn't want to ruin it for me, since I was going to catch the repeat on Tuesday. Long story short: they had sex in the snake house. And I'm, like, literally looking at this, going, am I missing something? So, I IM Scott the day, and I'm like, they just had sex. And he's like, uh, yeah, and it was really hot. And I said, Scott, honey, this week on Queer as Folk, there was a scene where multiple groups of men were having every kind of sex you could possibly imagine. Naked. Groaning. Sweaty. And the scene went on for like, five minutes. Scott: "Oh." Yeah. Oh. Sigh. You Know You've Been Watching Too Much Queer As Folk When...
Harvey Fierstein's doing the previouslys. God, just stay, would you? And you know he's not going to. Bastard.
Babylon. Two HDGBs -- dressed in cowboy hats, shiny tight-loose jockstraps (this weird material that flows, yet accentuates everything), silver chaps, and boots -- start dancing to the song "I Wanna be a Cowboy." Cut to Our Boys, including Mike (must have found the key to the chains and snuck out) dancing away. Emmett and Justin are the only ones who can dance. Still. So, I'm watching this, and thinking back to when this was my favorite song in high school, and I'm thinking, wait a minute, the chorus is coming up...and sure enough, where it goes, "I wanna be a cowboy/ And you can be my cowgirl," they muffle it so it sounds like, "I wanna be a cowboy/ And you can be my mffmmmph." Snicker. Nice try, guys. Should have just left it. I don't think Emmett would have minded, for one. So, this scene goes on forever. Dancing, dancing, half-naked gay men, HDGBs everywhere, yes, everyone's having a lovely, lovely time. People are oiled up. People are smiling. Is there a point here, somewhere? Not that kind of point. I'm sure there's plenty of those. Justin and Brian are making nicey-nice on the dance floor. They try shooting it in slo-mo so that it looks like Gale Harold can actually dance. Still can't. The camera speeds up and then slows down, because that looks really cool. Yes, fabulous. Is there some reason we're all here? Finally, a hot-looking cross between David Duchovny and Dylan McDermott catches Michael's eye, marches across the dance floor, grabs Mike's butt, and pulls him in close. Hello! Mike's startled. Ted and Emmett are impressed. Me, too. This guy's even cuter than Cute Bank Teller Guy. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Mike snerks, "Excuse me, are you a quarterback?" Really Hot Guy says no, and asks why. Mike: "You intercepted me like I was a football." Quarterbacks don't intercept footballs. They throw them. You're gay. Stop making sports references. Really Hot Guy answers, "When I see something I want, I grab it and I run with it." God, not another one. Mike squeaks, "And you want me?" Really Hot Guy grins, "There's no one else in the room, Beautiful." He asks Mike to go into the back room with him, so that they can "exchange numbers." Wink wink. Nudge nudge. We all remember the premiere, right, when Mike found Brian in the back room getting a blowjob, and Brian told him he was just giving the other guy his number. And Mike snapped, "What, did you write it on your dick?" Same director and writers this ep, I believe. Very clever. Let's keep it moving. Mike says he can't because he's in a relationship. Really Hot Guy shrugs that he's in one, too. So? Mike says that he and his demon master don't fool around. Really Hot Guy asks how long he and his lover have been together. Mike proudly tells him that it's been almost five months. Really Hot Guy nods, "Wait a few more. You will." He gives Mike his card.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the dance floor, Justin heads up the stairs, looking for Brian. He walks past a couple trying to compare tonsils just as Brian slings an arm around his shoulders. Justin snerks, "Making out on the dance floor. Have you ever seen anything so juvenile?" Mind you, Justin's looking at Brian as he says this, so he's just answered his own question. Brian says something about his being too grown up for this scene, now that he's a college man. Brian explains to the rest of The Boys that Justin got into Dartmouth. Mike starts teasing him, "Mumsy and Daddy must be so proud!" In a fake British accent. It's dumb. Justin says that he's not going. Brian is concerned. Justin says he'd never make it as a Business major, and that he wants to go to the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts, if he gets in. In Pittsburgh. Where the show's set. I know I already used that line for the recaplet, but you know. Everyone on Buffy ended up at UC Sunnydale. Everyone on Saved by the Bell went local. So did the Fresh Prince. So did Bud on Married with Children. Alex P. Keaton on Family Ties. The girls in The Facts of Life. So Justin's totally going to Dartmouth. Were any of us raised in a hole, and if so, didn't that hole have a TV set in it? Gimme a break. Anyway. Brian smirks, "And here I'd thought I was finally rid of you." Justin grabs him and grins, "Not until I say so!" This season is one big PSA about the perils of codependence. Justin adds that he has to do what's going to make him happy. Ted: "Spoken like a true disciple of Brian's." Emmett asks Mikey what happened to "Hunkalicious," and Mike replies, "He asked me to go with him into the back room!" Where the pen and paper are! Emmett gasps, "The nerve." Ted adds, "Treating you like a piece of meat." Emmett whispers to Ted: "He gave me a hard-on." Ted: "Likewise." No comment from here. Absolutely none. Nope. Not me. I have nothing to say. Mike continues that he told Really Hot Guy that he was in a relationship. Brian guesses that Really Hot Guy Really Didn't Care. Mike's like, yeah, like it didn't matter! Ted adds, "It doesn't, in here." Brian tells Mike that he should have gone for it. Mike's like, what do you mean? Brian: "I'll get you an instruction manual." Hee! Mike says that The Demon would kill him. Brian says that the Chiropractor from Hell doesn't need to know. Emmett exaggerates a lisp, "As if you'd even be tempted, with Dr. Dreamboat in yo pants!" Gag.
Ted's looking around at the upper balcony and stops short when he sees Blake, he of the overdose-induced coma. Ted says that he hasn't seen Blake in a while. Emmett drawls that all good things must come to an end. Ted mutters that Blake's still cute. Emmett: "You say that about all the boys who put you in a coma." Ted's all shifty and drooped over and Eeyore-like. Blake spots Ted and gleefully runs down the stairs. He's obviously on about twelve different types of drugs. Blake joyfully asks Ted how he his. Ted nervously answers that he's okay, thanks. Blake whispers in his ear, "You are so sexy." Ted remembers hearing that line before. Emmett and Mike hover nearby. Blake asks Ted to dance, and all of a sudden a hand comes out of nowhere and pushes Blake away in this sort of weird, stop-action, time warp kind of way. Emmett appears between Ted and the twinkie, and snaps, "No, thanks." Blake -- still chipper, but sweating like a racehorse -- asks who he is. Ted politely introduces them. Emmett monotones, "I've heard so much about you." Emmett's head does this weird fast-action shake thing straight out of Freakylinks. Blake offers Emmett some gum, which just cracks me up. Emmett tries to burn a hole into Blake's forehead with his eyes. Blake's too busy being fascinated with the gum in his mouth to notice. People on drugs are fun-ny. Ted hunches up some more and tries to back away. Blake, out of nowhere, asks Ted if he's hot, and moves forward. Emmett pushes him back again. Blake forcefully asks Ted to dance with him. Emmett pushes him back again. Blake looks up at Emmett like a hurt puppy as Ted turns him down. Ted's head does the Freakylinks thing. Blake backs away, insisting that he'll see Ted later. Emmett shakes his head, "That's one total tweaked-out twinkie...Hollow eyes, twenty-two-inch waist, inability to hold a conversation. He's either a crystal queen or a supermodel."
A bit further off, Brian puts on his coat and tells Justin and Mike that he's leaving. Justin asks where he's going, and Brian replies, "Home to say my prayers." Shyeah, I'd love to hear that conversation with God. Brian asks Mike why he's not home with his Master, and Mike replies that the Demon is at a business dinner. Justin tells Brian to hang on and that he'll come with him, but Brian's like, nope, not tonight, babe, and walks off before Justin can say another word. Burn! Justin asks Mike where Brian's going, and Mike just smirks.
The Bathhouse. Brian walks in, past a porn movie showing two men making out in a pool. And I'm warning you: this is the longest gratuitous sex scene in the history of the world, and at some point, I'm going to lose it. So, Brian's in a towel, walking down a dark hallway, past other men in towels walking down the dark hallway. One of them grabs Brian's crotch, and Brian pauses. They size each other up and decide to move on. Right. Brian takes a peek into the rooms along the hallway. There's a couple getting it on. There's another guy just hanging out naked on a cot. Because we're in a bathhouse. There's another guy wiping himself off with a towel. There's another guy taking his towel off as yet another guy watches. Lots of options at the baths. Got it. Brian keeps moving, and wow, the people on the boards were right: he is developing a little bit of a gut. Looks like someone needs to start doing crunches. An overweight guy walking out of one of the rooms calls out Brian's name. The guy's name is Marty. Marty asks Brian, "So, what are you doing here in the Ninth Circle of Hell?" Brian smirks, "I was reading Gorky and got a taste for the lower depths." Is there a double meaning in that? Whatever. Marty's head swivels back and forth, watching the talent go by, and um, ew, fondling himself underneath the towel -- oh, ewwww -- asks Brian if he's seen anything "interesting." Brian replies, "A tall redhead in 27 with a black leather dildo." Marty sighs, "Oh, yeah, him. He's definitely a possibility for later." Gross. I get it, okay. This is a segment of gay life, or whatever, and these places exist, okay, fine, but you know, there has to be a better way. This is just icky. And it's making me feel really sorry for Brian for being so pathetic -- and, like...I'm sorry, desperate. Although it does make me wonder how come Ted doesn't hang out here more often. Has to be a better way, people. Sorry for the judgment. Anyway, Brian replies that, other than the redhead, "It's all markdowns." He manages not to look pointedly at Marty as he says it. Nice of him. Gross. Marty offers to "help out" if Brian finds someone he likes. If you want to know exactly what Marty said, go back and rerun the tape yourself, because Patience just ran out for another six-pack of cider and some Chinese food.
Meanwhile, back at Babylon, Ted makes his way up to the restroom. A young man is passed out in the middle of the floor. No one's paying attention; in fact, a few actually step over him on their way out. That's just cold. Maybe no one at Babylon knows how to dial 911, and we've all just been too harsh. It's not callousness, just dyslexia.
Patience: Look what I found: Woodchuck Granny Smith Cider!
Camper: Cool. Just line up all six of them in front of the monitor.
Patience: I got you beef lo mein. Is that okay? Oh, and a side order of white rice, 'cause I know you like mixing it in.
Camper: I dunno. I'm trying to cut down on my carbs.
Patience: Yeah, but it'll help soak up the alcohol. [on Camper's look] Um. Okay. I'll eat the rice. You have soy sauce, right?
Ted cautiously approaches the body on the floor. It's Blake. Ted swears, then kneels down to try to shake Blake awake. The camera pans underneath the floor, like it's made of glass, so that we can see Blake's face pressed up against the floor, a long stream of vomit coming out of his mouth. So, someone obviously borrowed the TMIcam from C.S.I. this week. How nice for all of us. Ted tries tossing water on Blake's face. Not only does it not work, but other people in the restroom start making fun of him. Ted asks for help, but gets a big ole "whatever." Lifting Blake up, Ted screams at them all to fuck off. They ignore him. Nothing new there.
Back at the Baths, Brian's entered a dark room lit only by blue spotlights. And what's under these spotlights, pray tell? Men having sex. With each other. With lots of each others. Brian silently observes it all like it's an exhibit at MOMA. There's threesomes and fivesomes and sevensomes. There's this big pyramid of men all attached to one another. Groaning.
Patience: Hey, did you know you still have a chocolate bunny in your freezer?
Camper: Toss it over here.
Brian keeps walking. There's single couples. Having sex. Oral sex. Anal sex. Oral and anal sex. Okay? Okay? In the bathhouse, men have indiscriminate, hot, sweaty sex with each other and no one cares. Understood. Can we have some plot now, please? Brian finally sees someone he likes, who hands him a popper. Brian snorts it. Popper Guy is joined by one of the many black guys who live in Toronto, and together, they make short work of devouring Brian whole, because he's so hot, and he went to the Bathhouse to have sex with men because he's really hot and bored and this is what he does and plot. Now. Okay?
Patience: Whoa whoa whoa! Let me open that second bottle for you!
Camper: But this is going on forever! For no other reason to show these men naked-like and having sex. It doesn't have anything to do with anything! Eighteen episodes into the season and they can barely make it past Brian's crotch! And Justin isn't going to Dartmouth. Duh!
Patience: Wow. Losing that snowball last week really got to you, didn't it?
Brian sees another couple in the corner, one guy jerking the other guy off. You can't see either of their faces. Brian -- curious (or most likely, bored) -- wanders over. He pulls off the jerkee's towel from behind and whispers, "Why don't you take off your towel and stay awhile?" The jerkee turns around. No. Way. It's Demon. Dr. David F'in Cameron has been literally caught red-handed by Brian in the baths. Patience is bemused as I do a victory lap around the apartment. There is a God, and my mother was right: He does love me. Oh, yeah, baby! You can just imagine the look on Demon's face when he sees Brian. Sah-weet! Brian looks down at Demon's crotch and then smirks, "What's up, Doc?" Wheeee!
The hospital. Ted, Emmett, and the doctor are in the waiting room. The doctor asks whether they know what Blake was on. Emmett, reading a magazine, mutters that it was crystal meth. On the doc's look, Emmett shrugs, "I can tell." The doctor says that they have Blake on an IV, and that they'll keep him overnight, but that he should be able to go home tomorrow. Ted thanks him, and the doctor moves on. As he gets up and puts on his jacket, Emmett sighs, "Okay, Nurse Nightingale, you did your good deed, just like a heartwarming episode of...something. Now let's get out of here." Ted says that they can't just leave Blake there. Emmett: "Like the way he left you?" Ted's like, well, what if something happens to him? Well, he's in the hospital, already, and that's kind of what they specialize in. Emmett asks why the hell Ted cares: "It's not like he's your best friend. You don't even know his last name!" Ted stubbornly sits down in a chair anyway. Emmett says he's going, whether Ted stays or not.
The Demon's Lair. The Demon skulks in, probably certain that a cell phone call from Brian has preceded him, telling Michael that his Master is a hypocritical, cheatin', two-timing, lying bastard hypocrite. Mike's in bed, and greets his favorite Hellspawn with a dopey smile. Damn. No phone call, I guess. Demon nervously asks when Mike got in. Mike says it was a little while ago. Demon -- is he sweating? Bonus. -- asks how Babylon was, "Did you see any cute guys?" Mike gets out of bed and grins that he didn't see any that interested him. Demon leans on the dresser for support. Mike asks Demon if he wants some milk and Oreos. Demon grabs him and kisses him, because he's a guilt-ridden piece of shit. He throws Mike up against the wall, pulls Mike's pajama bottoms down, and gets down on his knees. Mike's surprised, but under the circumstances, takes it very well.
Debbie's, the morning. Debbie -- wearing a pink t-shirt that reads, "I like fags" --yells up the stairs for Justin. Justin bounces down and takes a seat at the breakfast table to Vic. Debbie's like, I've been yelling for you for the last ten minutes. Justin replies, "I know you think because I'm young, you think I can just tumble out of bed and look like this." Vic: "I don't see why not. I tumble out of bed and look like this." Ha! Justin laughs and continues, "Yeah, well, you're wrong. Even at my age, it takes time and preparation." Debbie reminds him that it might be a little easier if he didn't stay out partying until three in the morning. Vic gazes at Justin for a second and then gestures to Debbie. Debbie pauses, and then grabs a letter off of he kitchen shelf. She hands it Justin. It's from the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts. Gasp! I wonder if he got in? Justin can't bring himself to open the envelope. Because, you know, what if television history is turned on its head and he didn't get in? Debbie says that she'll open it. Which she does. And reads, with a downcast expression on her face. Oh, gee. I guess Justin didn't get in. Off to Dartmouth with him, then. Debbie smiles, handing Justin the letter, "Congratulations, Picasso." Oh my God! He got into the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts! In Pittsburgh! Where the show is set! What are the odds, huh?
Patience: Now, remember what Dr. Miknowski said about your blood pressure.
Camper: But he didn't say anything about my alcohol intake, now, did he?
Blake's hospital bed. Ted's sitting to it, holding Blake's hand. Blake wakes up with a start and looks around the room with a wild-eyed expression, finally settling on Ted. Blake pulls his hand away from Ted's and asks what's going on. Ted apologizes, "I found myself sitting in a hospital room to an unconscious person. Seemed like the thing to do." Blake freaks out at the word "hospital" and sits up straight in bed. "Hospital?" he gasps. "Did something happen to me?!" Ted tells him that he passed out in Babylon. Blake doesn't remember. Ted tells him that he found him unconscious on the bathroom floor. Blake just stares at him, all freaked out, and Ted's head does the Freakylinks thing again. I hate that; it's really creepy. Ted tells Blake that he was dehydrated and had really high blood pressure. Join the fucking club, Blake. Blake, breathing heavily, asks how long he's been there, and Ted tells him that it's only been overnight. Ted offers to get Blake some water, but Blake reaches out to him and asks him not to leave. Ted eases Blake back onto the hospital bed. Blake asks Ted if he has any candy. Candy? Ted searches his pockets and comes up with a fresh roll of Life Savers. Get it? Life Savers? Blake, like, inhales the whole thing. Ted, bewildered, mumbles that he's going to get the nurse. Blake stops him, and asks Ted whether he's been there the whole time. Ted says yes, except at some point he went home to pick up some clean clothes for Blake, since his were best not spoken of again. Ted's all embarassed and not able to look Blake in the eye. Blake flops back down into bed. Ted tells him he should be able to go home later on that day. Blake snorts, his hands shaking uncontrollably, "What home? I was evicted last month." Blake's been staying with "friends" since then. Ted's like, oh, that's good, they'll be able to look after you. Blake says that they're not those kind of friends, and starts to cry. "You must think I'm so stupid," he whimpers. Ted says that he doesn't think Blake is stupid: "I just think that you're this really sweet guy who has some problems and needs some help." Blake clutches Ted's arm and weeps, "I'm going to stop. I am. I'm going to stop." Ted reluctantly puts an arm around Blake while he bawls.
The Boys' Gym. Mike gushes, "He came home from dinner so turned on we went at it all night." Brian: "I'm surprised he still had the strength." On Mike's look, Brian adds, "At his age." Mike replies that they should all be in such good shape at his age. Emmett snorts, "You should all be alive at his age." Because what is the Demon -- forty, maybe? Yeah, that's real old. Shut up, Emmett. Brian rolls his eyes and then frowns, "So, I wonder why he was so turned on?" Mike: "Because I'm irresistible." Yeah, right. Let's check behind door #2, shall we? Emmett adds, "Because they're in love. And unlike you, they don't have to prowl around the baths. They find everything they need, right at home." It sounds so cozy. Too bad it's all based on a big, fat lie. Mike asks how the bathhouse was: "Did you see anybody cute?" Brian shakes his head, "Not especially." Snicker. Emmett begins a story: "Last time I was at the baths -- of course, this was years ago -- I was in L.A. visiting my friend Shelly." Cut to Emmett's flashback. He's walking down a hallway. He's in a towel. He peeked into one of the rooms: "And there was this guy, lying on his stomach, with his butt up in the air, just screaming, 'Fuck me! Fuck me!' So I did, and afterwards, and I got a glimpse of his face, and it was --" He leans in to whisper to Brian and Mike. Brian's like, no shit. Mike replies, "So, she really is his beard." Emmett: "They don't call her 'Whiskers' for nothing." Brian meows appreciatively. Ted walks up, bone tired. Emmett's on him instantly, "Don't tell me you sat up all night with him." Mike and Brian are like, who? Emmett snaps, "The Angel of Death." Ted tells Emmett, "Look, you really don't know how upsetting it is to wake up in a hospital room. Believe me, I know." Emmett's like, yeah, thanks to Blake. Brian and Mike watch T&E curiously. Emmett says, all righty then, but it's over, right? You've done everything you're gonna, right? Ted looks at him guiltily. Emmett snaps, "Please, please, please tell me you didn't take that tweaked-out tramp home." Looks like Ted took the tweaked-out tramp home. Emmett stomps off in disgust.
The Taylors' driveway. Justin just told Jennifer that he got into PIFA. Jennifer's ecstatic. Justin brags that PIFA got over two thousands apps, but only seventy openings, and he got in! Jennifer says she always told him that he was talented. But what about Dartmouth? Justin says he's going to turn them down. Jennifer pauses, and then reminds Justin that his dad expects him to go to Dartmouth. Craig hasn't really been around to expect much of anything, lately, has he? Justin's like, why, because he went? Jennifer says that she knows how much Justin wants to be an artist, but that it's really hard to make a living. Justin says that he knows, but that's what he wants to do. Jennifer sighs that it's going to be hard to convince his dad. Especially since Craig isn't speaking to him. Justin says that he was hoping she could help. Before Jennifer can answer, a short, red-haired woman walks up the driveway. Jennifer calls her Sue, so we'll call her that, too. Jennifer introduces Sue to Justin, and then tells Sue to go ahead into the house and she'll meet her in there. Sue tells Jennifer to take her time: "I'll just wander through." Justin's like, okay, who's that? Sue's a realtor. Justin asks what she's doing at the house. Jennifer tells him that she's listing the house for sale. Justin's like, um, you're selling the house? Jennifer chokes out that she and Craig are getting a divorce. Justin's mouth drops open even more than usual.
Liberty Diner. Mike and the Demon are at the bar. Demon asks Michael, "Have I told you lately how hot you look?" Mike says that he has, actually, "but it always bears repeating." The Demon repeats it. Slime-sucker. He and Mike are about to kiss when Brian interrupts them. And pushes Mike over so he can sit right between them. And orders soda water with lemon. And then says, "You know, after strenuous activity, what you need is plenty of fluids." Ha! Demon has the nerve to look insulted, as if his infidelity were something that was done to him. Demon thanks him for the health tip and tries not to sweat too much. Brian smirks, "Any time." Brian digs the knife in a little deeper: "Speaking of exertion, Michael tells me you two had quite a night last night. Mike's like, Brian! Demon monotones that they certainly did. Brian grins, "So did I." Mike snorts, "Well, I don't think that [Demon!] wants to hear about your trip to --" Brian cuts him off, "You're right, you're right. He probably wouldn't approve." Demon sits there and looks guilty. Brian asks Demon what he's been up to lately. Demon mutters, "Not much. The usual." Brian follows up, "Michael told me you had dinner with some client." Demon confirms that that is correct. You lie! Brian snorts that it all sounds boring, although he had a client once: "Meat and potatoes, wife and kids. Turned out he was gay. Not only was he gay, but he wanted to fuck me." Demon: "Imagine that." I think Brian's talking about that Telson fellow who tried to blackmail Brian into sleeping with him. Same director, same writer. Not that anyone's having any ego issues in the House of QaF or anything. Brian: "What can I say? There's a lot of duplicitous people in the world." Demon glares at him. Mikey doesn't have a clue what's going on.
Outside the diner, Brian walks out and finds Demon on the curb. Demon babbles, "God, I hate the cold. I always thought I could live in some place warm like La Jolla, Santa Barbara...business would be good there, too. But I'm still here." Unfortunately. Don't stay on my account. Brian replies, "Maybe you're deceiving yourself into thinking you want something you really don't." Demon says, "I want Michael. I love Michael. What you saw last night has nothing to do with that." Perhaps. you'd turn two types of blue if Michael did the same thing. This from the man who broke up with Mike because he didn't want just a boyfriend, he wanted a "partner." This from a man who went ballistic at the mere mention of Brian's name, and the two of them had barely touched each other. Oooh, I hate Dr. Demon. Brian's like, whatever, "If you want to go to the bathhouse and get your rocks off, I say do it. As long as you don't hurt him." Demon says that he doesn't intend to. That would be because he never intended for Mike to find out. And then he has the nerve to ask Brian, "Do you?" Mike wanders up all cute and puppy-like and asks if either of them want a bite of the cake slice that he's holding. Demon slings an arm around his neck and leads him away.
Ted's. Ted comes home and finds Blake all scrubbed clean, and cooking many things in the kitchen. Ted's surprised that Blake is up. Blake says he feels great. Ted's like, you cook? Blake says yeah, his parents worked and he was the oldest of seven kids: "So, I know how to make a chicken stretch." That should come in handy if he's going to hang out with Ted. Ted notices that the table's been set and candles have been lit. Blake asks Ted to put on some music while he finishes up. Ted puts in an opera. Blake says it's nice, what is it? Don your helmet, y'all, the blows are going to start coming fast and furious. Ted says it's La Traviata: "It's about this woman, Violetta. She's a courtesan...a slut, basically. And she likes to go to parties a lot." Blake grins that he knows the type. He asks what Violetta is singing about. Ted continues that she's just met this really nice guy who's in love with her, "and she's wondering if she can give up her life in the fast lane in order to be with him." Blake asks if she does. Ted says, "She gives it a shot."
Patience: Hey, who's that singing in the shower?
Camper: Symbolism. Drove down from New York for the weekend. Jesus. Is that one off-key MoFo, or what?
Blake opens the refrigerator and pulls out a pitcher of water. As Ted watches him pour water into two clear glasses, he flashes back to the night when Blake offered him a whole glass of GHB. Blake turns to give him a glass, sees the look on Ted's face and laughs, "It's just water." Ted nods uncertainly. Blake says that he made dinner in order to thank Ted for being so nice. Ted says he didn't have to. Blake: "Yeah, I did. Actually, I wish there was something more I could do." He takes the glass out of Ted's hands and leans in. Ted asks Blake what he's doing. Blake says, in so many words, that he's picking up where he left off last time. Blake looks a lot older up close. Ted reaches for him, and they start kissing.
The Happy Fun House. Brian's Lesbians are also kissing. And laughing, so that reconciliation thing must be working out for them. They giggle into the living room, Melanie Marcus holding a big flat box behind her. Justin's on the couch, and Melanie Marcus and Lindsay are all, ta dah! They got Justin a super-duper deluxe art supplies box. Justin wistfully runs his hands over the contents as Lindsay gushes, "I know you want to get into computer graphics and animation, but first you're going to have to study all the traditional techniques -- still life, life class, composition -- because no matter what you eventually do, you need to have solid, classical training." Melanie Marcus adds, "Even Picasso knew how to draw people's eyes in the right places." Justin closes the box with a snap, and says thanks, but no thanks: "It is so nice. But I decided to go to Dartmouth." Brian's Lesbians frown at each other, probably wondering, hey, didn't we have our own story line a little while ago?
Demon's Lair. The Master is on the couch, staring into space, not reading his book. Mike walks into the living room and startles him out of his reverie. Mike's like, well, Demon, you've obviously got something on your mind, since you're on the same page you were on an hour ago, and you're saying "uh" a lot like you're trying to think of what to say, and your hand's covering your mouth. Demon's like, wow, you're not as dumb as you look. Okay, that was me. Demon tells Mike that he's very observant, which is really just a nicer way of saying, "Wow, you're not as dumb as you look!" Demon finally sighs heavily and says that he should have told Mike the truth. Mike's like, it's okay that you didn't finish your book. Demon's like, no, about last night. Mike: "Well, honey, when you said you could come a fourth time, I knew you were lying." Whatever. Demon says, no, he meant about the business dinner. Which he didn't have. Because, uh, he was at the Baths. Mike asks what he was doing there. Demon lamely answers that he was "looking around." Mike jumps up off the couch and backs away from him. Demon stammers that he doesn't go there often, and, in fact, "It was the first time since [he and Mike have] been together." Oh, please. He's such a liar. Mike says that he doesn't want to hear it. Demon says that he thought Mike should know. Yeah, but only because Brian might have told Mike first. Mike snaps, "That you're fucking around?!" Demon says he doesn't fuck. Mike runs right over him: "And then you come home and you fuck me. If you gave me anything..." Demon screeches that he doesn't fuck, as if he has any moral authority left. Mike's heartbroken. Demon adds that he mostly jerks off. Mike notes the term "mostly." Mike: "I don't understand. Aren't I enough for you?" Demon says that of course he is. Okay, Mike asks, then why the hell would he do this? Demon says that he doesn't know: "I guess it's the thrill. I want the guys to...think I'm attractive. Sometimes I feel like I have to be off on my own." Insisted that Mike move in with him, you'll recall. Took him to hang out with every long-term gay couple he could find in order to convince Michael. Mike tells him that he's a liar. Demon reaches for him and tells him that it's the truth. Mike screams, "Fuck your truth and fuck you!" And runs out of the house. So, Demon, was it worth it?
The once and future home of Mike and Emmett. I'm still saying he's coming back. Ted sighs, "Well, we knew he was too good to be true." Emmett's done some redecorating -- lots more tinsel and shiny things. Emmett adds, "Men. They're all the same." Ted amends, "Except for you, Michael." Emmett continues, "You are a saint." Mike: "I don't want to be a saint. I want to be a ruthless, heartless shit who fucks whoever he wants without regret or remorse." Brian sing-songs, "I'm sorry, that position has already been filled." Ha! Mike says that he wasn't talking about Brian; he was talking about Dr. Demon. I think Brian knew that, Mikey, but thanks. Emmett brings in a box of pizza, and tells Mike to cut Demon loose: "Show him you're too good for him. He doesn't deserve you." Brian asks who Mike does deserve, exactly. Not you, either, so don't get any ideas. Emmett: "Someone who will cherish him. Who will be faithful? Someone for whom he will be the sun and the moon and the stars." Brian asks Emmett what Bette Davis movie he's living in, and then asks Mike, "And what did you think would happen -- that you would be monogamous forever?" Well, yeah. I really don't think Mike was coming up with that all by himself. Emmett sneers that that is so like Brian, "to make some vile, homophobic crack." Brian doesn't get the homophobic part, so Emmett explains, "Just because we're gay, it's not possible for us to have a loyal, loving relationship?" Oooh, Emmett's wearing one of my favorite t-shirts; it reads, "Jesus is coming. Look busy." I was down in Dupont Circle last Sunday having lunch with a friend, and saw a t-shirt in a store window that had a "For Rent" sign printed with a space right under it where you could pen in your phone number. Totally thought of Emmett. Had to be dragged away before I went in and bought it and shipped it to Peter Paige. Still thinking of doing it anyway. Thanks for listening. Brian says that it's not because they're gay, it's because they're men. Again, no comment. Let's just say that I may accept that that's a little closer to the truth, but I am in no way, shape, or form comfortable with an overall generalization of that kind. Got that? Good. Ted adds that it's not different for straight guys -- he read somewhere that sixty-four percent of straight men admitted that they've been unfaithful. Emmett replies haughtily, "I wouldn't know. I've only slept with thirty-two percent of them." The Boys all laugh. Except Mike, who scowls, "What, I'm supposed to let [Demon!] do whatever he wants? Whoever he wants?" Brian shrugs that he didn't say that: "But maybe you should establish some rules. Decide what's acceptable and what's not." Mike says that he doesn't think he can do that. Brian's like, fine: "Then you can move back in here." Emmett and Mike are like, what? Oh, give it up. It's inevitable. Brian, snorts derisively, "End it all over a hand job."
Walking outside with Brian, Mike says he doesn't even know why he's asking Brian's advice. Brian says it's because he's "younger and wiser." Try again, babe. Mike adds that Brian has never been in a relationship. Brian says that he really hates the word "relationship." Mike says he has no idea what it's like. Brian says, "I know he told you the truth. And I've got to give him credit." Whatever. If Brian hadn't seen Demon, Mike would never know. Brian adds that he was sure that Demon wouldn't tell, and Mike's like, wait, you knew? Brian's like, it's math, do it -- where were both Demon and I last night? Mike swears, and then asks Brian whether he and his Demon lover hooked up. Brian says no. Mike's like, and you weren't going to tell me? Brian points out that, if he had, Mike would have just thought Brian was trying to break them up. Mike shakes his head and growls, "Well, if he can do it, maybe I should, too." Brian tells him to go for it: "Only stop carrying on like some betrayed little housewife." I'm still not getting how, you know, the only viable option is for Mike to screw around on Demon. "Leave him" doesn't even seem to be on the table, anymore. But I guess my happiness is not the question here, either.
The Gas Station. Ted goes inside to pay for the pump, but can't find his wallet. La Traviata plays faintly in the background as Symbolism stumbles out of my bathroom, dramatically trips over a snag in the carpet, and tries to grab my last cider. Can you believe that shit? Patience quietly tsk-tsks on the couch. Ted looks in his car. No wallet. He gets this look on his face like, oh, no.
Back at his apartment, Ted tears the place apart, looking for the missing wallet. No dice. Blake walks in at the absolutely worst time. Ted asks him where he's been. Blake says he went out to get Ted the three-disc set of Thais. Blake: "I asked the guy at the store if he knew another good opera about a slut." Hee! Ted says that the set is expensive, but Blake replies that he didn't care how much it cost. Ted says that he does, and asks Blake how he managed to pay for it. Blake cautiously replies that he tracked down a friend who owed him some money. Ted replies, "And you spent all of it on me." In a small, confused voice, Blake answers, "Not all of it." Ted's had enough: "Look, you can keep the cash, I don't care about that. But please give it back to me so I don't have to cancel my cards." Blake has no idea what he's talking about. Ted snaps, "God, you must think that I am so pathetic. My wallet, that's what I'm talking about." Blake swears that he didn't take Ted's wallet. Ted sneers that he believes Blake: "It just walked out on its own. So, if you happen to see it out walking around in the streets, would you please ask it to come home?" He orders Blake to get out. Blake asks where he should go, and Ted screams, "Wherever you would have gone if I hadn't picked you up off that restroom floor, taken you to the hospital, and brought you back here!" Well, off to Hell you go, then. Don't forget your snowball. Blake, blinking back tears, asks Ted about the clothes he gave him. Ted tells Blake to keep them, and then gives him back Thais: "Return this for the money your 'friend' gave you. I already have it." He slams the door on the way out.
Debbie's. Debbie's working on the sewing machine as Justin tries to sneak past her up the stairs. She tells him to hold on, there; she found something interesting in the trash: Justin's sketchpad and sketches. Justin says that he doesn't want them, which is why he threw them away. Debbie's like, but these are works of art! Justin tells her that she can frame them, if she likes, but he's giving up art. He tries to go upstairs, but Debbie tells him to hang on a sec. What's up? Debbie: "You don't just give it up. It's like giving up eating, or breathing." Justin replies, "I'm still inhaling and exhaling. Call me when dinner's ready." Okay, that was a good line. Debbie tells him not to be a smartass: "You're an artist." Justin shrugs, "Big deal." Debbie says that it is a big deal: "That's something that was given to you!" Justin says that he didn't ask for it, and that he doesn't want it. Debbie says it's too late: "It's yours, it's who you are!" Justin says that it's not who he is, and that he's going to Dartmouth and getting an MBA. Which I don't get. I'd understand if there was some conflict over who's going to pay for college, but no one's mentioned that. So, apparently, Justin's going to go to Dartmouth to try to make it up to his father that he's gay, or something. His father isn't speaking to him because he's gay, but going to Dartmouth is going to change everything? Justin adds that that's what his parents want. Debbie shakes her head, "Well, with all due respect to your mother, who's a very lovely lady, who gives a shit what they want? This is your life!" Justin tells her that his parents are getting a divorce: "I've caused them so much trouble." Debbie tells him that he's not the reason they broke up: "No kid has the power to do that. Just like you don't have the power to put them back together. But you do have the power to fuck up your own life. Make sure you think twice before you do it."
Mike waits in a snow-covered park. Really Hot Guy shows up -- walks up behind Mike, of course. Mike says that he wasn't sure Really Hot Guy was going to show. Really Hot Guy replies that it was a bit out of the way, and anyway, he was surprised Mike called him at all. Mike's like, well, you know, things change. Mountains erode. Demons become hypocrites, you know how it is. Really Hot Guy asks Mike if he wants to mess around. They start kissing, but Mike's totally faking it.
The once and future home of Mike and Emmett. Emmett -- who has taken the door out of his bedroom and replaced it with a beaded curtain -- gets dressed while Ted mopes in the living room. Emmett tells Ted that he did the right thing, and that he should feel good about himself. Ted droops, "I do. Can't you tell? Woohoo." Emmett's like, you told him to get lost: "If there was a magazine called Self-Esteem, you'd be the cover boy. You're the image of dignity." On cue, he parts the beaded curtain to show off his latest outfit: a black fishnet button-down shirt over tight hip-huggers. Pretty conservative for Emmett. Em asks Eeyore what he thinks. Ted droops, "You're the image of dignity." Emmett blows him a raspberry. Ted worries that Blake was "practically in tears." Emmett says it's because Blake knew that Ted would cancel his credit cards before he could use them. Ted thinks that Blake was being sincere. Emmett: "Please, you'd have to be a desperate queen to fall for that eleven o'clock number -- which you're not." Ted's like, what if something happened to him? Ted would have that on his conscience for the rest of his life! Emmett re-emerges in a long-sleeved shirt, with the chest cut out and replaced with clear plastic. Now that's more like it. He tells Ted that he's been listening to too many operas: "You offered him your home, your trust. You literally gave him the clothes off your back -- something, by the way, that I would never do." And the world thanks you for it. Emmett asks, yeah, and how did he repay you? Ted's like, yeah, you're right. Emmett tells him to get up and they'll go to Babylon: "Dozens of beautiful men will reject you, and you'll feel so much better." Ted grins. He puts his hand on the couch in order to push himself up, and slips his hand under a throw pillow, then freezes. Emmett's like, what is it. Ted: "Oh, nothing. Just my wallet." Yes, Blake didn't steal the wallet. Surprise.
Babylon! As the techno mix of "Forever Young" pumps in the background, Emmett tries to make Ted feel better about his mistake: "So, you misjudged him. You said a lot of terrible things that weren't true." Ted's like, what about you? Emmett: "Well, everyone knows that I'm a terrible judge of character." Brian, leaning against the bar to them, wearing The Red Shirt, snickers, "Yeah, just look at who he hangs out with." Emmett nearly spits up his beer, laughing. Brian's certainly being all self-effacing this week, isn't he? Ted slams his beer down and says that he must find Blake! Brian: "Try the bathroom floor." First place I'd look. Ted tells Brian to fuck off and rushes out.
Nearby, Justin's trying to get a beer. No luck. The bartender won't let him have one unless he sees some ID. Which makes no sense, because they check ID. at the door; you know, you have to be a member to get in? And twenty-one, too, I think. Someone get back to me on the boards about that, wouldja? Many thanks. Justin growls, "Who do you have to fuck to get a goddamn drink around here?!" Brian saunters up on cue and grins, "Me." He orders two beers. The bartender glares at them. Brian, in the voice of a petulant five-year-old, adds, "I'm thirsty!" Very cute. I'm giving in to the New and Improved Brian. Brian takes the beers and raises one of them in a toast: "To Dartmouth. And to your bright shining future as Pittsburgh's newest Andy Carnegie." Justin reaches for the beer and says he'll drink to that, but Brian moves the beer out of reach and adds, "Only, I thought you were going to be the Andy Warhol." Justin tells Brian that he changed his mind. Brian: "And after all the trouble I went to, to make you the best homosexual I could." He shoves a beer over to Justin and adds, "I can't believe you'd blow it. And over the flimsiest excuse: 'I've caused my parents enough pain.' How can you even stand there and look me in the eye?" Justin says that it's true. Brian says that it's bullshit: "They cause their own pain, just like everyone else. And now you're going to give up everything you want, just to make them happy? That is totally fucked!" Justin finally snaps, "Shut up, Brian, you don't know anything!" Brian: "I know it's scarier finding your own way than doing what's expected." Justin says that he isn't scared. Brian's like, shyeah, right, you're terrified! "Just like the night you met me. I was sure you'd run back home, but you didn't. You said, 'I'm going with him.'" Justin's kind of shocked, but rallies, "I can't believe you remember that, considering you couldn't even remember my name." Good point. Could be Brian's more of a faces person than a name person. I'm like that, which is why I write everything down. Brian snorts, "And look what happened." Justin: "I turned into a Big Queer." Brian sneers, "Yeah, lucky for you, or else I wouldn't be wasting my time. But it's too late now. There's no turning back." Taking Justin's hand, Brian leads him to the dance floor. They dance in slo-mo, surrounded by HDGBs and watched over by Go-Go Dancers in war paint and breeches. I wonder when Pirate Night is?
The Demon's Lair. Mike quietly enters the living room, and finds Demon on the floor, organizing CDs. Demon sees Mike and snaps that he was worried about him. Mike says that the Demon could have called. His master says he tried, but that Mike's cell phone was off. Mike asks the Demon what he's doing, and the Hellspawn explains, adding, "And before that, I did DVDs, I did the books, I did the medicine cabinet, I did stemware -- where the fuck where you?" Uh huh. Before you did all that, you should have called Melanie Marcus and let her impart some lessons about humility. I hate his guts. It's simple -- if you're doing something that, if your partner was doing it, would upset you, then don't do it! Saves you a lot of trouble in the long run. Mike: "Out." Worst possible answer. I have never loved him more. Demon asks if he was with The Boys or at the movies. Mike says that he was with someone. His master closes his eyes in horror. Mike explains about Really Hot Guy. Demon tells him that he doesn't need to hear all the details. The hell he doesn't. Mike says that they went back to Really Hot Guy's place, and he was giving Mike a blow job: "I suddenly realized that I didn't want my dick in his mouth. So, I told him to stop. And I left, and I came home." Demon asks why he told Really Hot Guy to stop, and Michael shrugs, "Because it didn't mean anything. It was just sex. And with us, it's always been more than that." Demon promises that he won't go to the baths anymore. Michael laughs that he doesn't want Demon to promise: "It might not be a promise you can keep. And the same thing goes for me; I can't promise you that someday something won't happen." How convenient. Back on the bus to Least Resistance, y'all. Easier than trying. Mike adds, "We're guys, and guys slip up. All we can do is be realistic about it, and realize that it doesn't mean that we don't love each other." Demon sighs, hands him a couple of CDs, and asks, "Wanna help me get things back in order?" I'm distracted by a loud crash, as Symbolism knocks over my new floor lamp.
Camper: Dammit, I told you not to wear those boxing gloves in the house!
Symbolism: Sorry about that. I can pay you back for...oh, wait. Damn (hee hee!) -- now where's my wallet?
Justin's room. Justin prints out his acceptance letter to Dartmouth, with Queen playing in the background. It's, like, two sentences, no return address, so, yay, research team! Justin looks it over, and then looks up and sees his jeans jacket hanging on the door. He looks down at the letter again, and then grabs a notebook, flips the letter over, and starts drawing a sketch of the jacket on the back of the letter. So, wait, is Justin going to Dartmouth, or not?
week: Brian's dad dies, and Brian pretends that he doesn't care. Blake shows up on Ted's doorstep, and they start making out. Ted tells Emmett that Emmett's just jealous because Ted found someone that wants to be with him. Emmett finds that all the time, Ted. Emmett snarls to Blake, "If you break his heart, I will break your face." In a snow-covered cemetery, Brian lays his father to rest. Later on, he asks Mike to stay with him, and then looks like he's gonna start with the smoochies. Mike's confused. So, you know. The usual.