“ Mike: 'You intercepted me like I was a football.' Quarterbacks don't intercept footballs. They throw them. You're gay. Stop making sports references. ”
Okay, so I missed The Sopranos last week? Went out to dinner. You don't care. Anyway, so I missed The Sopranos, got back in time for QaF, and the day I got an IM from my friend Scott, who was flooredby some scene between Tony and his new floozy at the zoo. So floored, in fact, that he didn't want to ruin it for me, since I was going to catch the repeat on Tuesday. Long story short: they had sex in the snake house. And I'm, like, literally looking at this, going, am I missing something? So, I IM Scott the day, and I'm like, they just had sex. And he's like, uh, yeah, and it was really hot. And I said, Scott, honey, this week on Queer as Folk, there was a scene where multiple groups of men were having every kind of sex you could possibly imagine. Naked. Groaning. Sweaty. And the scene went on for like, five minutes. Scott: "Oh." Yeah. Oh. Sigh. You Know You've Been Watching Too Much Queer As Folk When...
Harvey Fierstein's doing the previouslys. God, just stay, would you? And you know he's not going to. Bastard.
Babylon. Two HDGBs -- dressed in cowboy hats, shiny tight-loose jockstraps (this weird material that flows, yet accentuates everything), silver chaps, and boots -- start dancing to the song "I Wanna be a Cowboy." Cut to Our Boys, including Mike (must have found the key to the chains and snuck out) dancing away. Emmett and Justin are the only ones who can dance. Still. So, I'm watching this, and thinking back to when this was my favorite song in high school, and I'm thinking, wait a minute, the chorus is coming up...and sure enough, where it goes, "I wanna be a cowboy/ And you can be my cowgirl," they muffle it so it sounds like, "I wanna be a cowboy/ And you can be my mffmmmph." Snicker. Nice try, guys. Should have just left it. I don't think Emmett would have minded, for one. So, this scene goes on forever. Dancing, dancing, half-naked gay men, HDGBs everywhere, yes, everyone's having a lovely, lovely time. People are oiled up. People are smiling. Is there a point here, somewhere? Not that kind of point. I'm sure there's plenty of those. Justin and Brian are making nicey-nice on the dance floor. They try shooting it in slo-mo so that it looks like Gale Harold can actually dance. Still can't. The camera speeds up and then slows down, because that looks really cool. Yes, fabulous. Is there some reason we're all here? Finally, a hot-looking cross between David Duchovny and Dylan McDermott catches Michael's eye, marches across the dance floor, grabs Mike's butt, and pulls him in close. Hello! Mike's startled. Ted and Emmett are impressed. Me, too. This guy's even cuter than Cute Bank Teller Guy. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Mike snerks, "Excuse me, are you a quarterback?" Really Hot Guy says no, and asks why. Mike: "You intercepted me like I was a football." Quarterbacks don't intercept footballs. They throw them. You're gay. Stop making sports references. Really Hot Guy answers, "When I see something I want, I grab it and I run with it." God, not another one. Mike squeaks, "And you want me?" Really Hot Guy grins, "There's no one else in the room, Beautiful." He asks Mike to go into the back room with him, so that they can "exchange numbers." Wink wink. Nudge nudge. We all remember the premiere, right, when Mike found Brian in the back room getting a blowjob, and Brian told him he was just giving the other guy his number. And Mike snapped, "What, did you write it on your dick?" Same director and writers this ep, I believe. Very clever. Let's keep it moving. Mike says he can't because he's in a relationship. Really Hot Guy shrugs that he's in one, too. So? Mike says that he and his demon master don't fool around. Really Hot Guy asks how long he and his lover have been together. Mike proudly tells him that it's been almost five months. Really Hot Guy nods, "Wait a few more. You will." He gives Mike his card.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the dance floor, Justin heads up the stairs, looking for Brian. He walks past a couple trying to compare tonsils just as Brian slings an arm around his shoulders. Justin snerks, "Making out on the dance floor. Have you ever seen anything so juvenile?" Mind you, Justin's looking at Brian as he says this, so he's just answered his own question. Brian says something about his being too grown up for this scene, now that he's a college man. Brian explains to the rest of The Boys that Justin got into Dartmouth. Mike starts teasing him, "Mumsy and Daddy must be so proud!" In a fake British accent. It's dumb. Justin says that he's not going. Brian is concerned. Justin says he'd never make it as a Business major, and that he wants to go to the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts, if he gets in. In Pittsburgh. Where the show's set. I know I already used that line for the recaplet, but you know. Everyone on Buffy ended up at UC Sunnydale. Everyone on Saved by the Bell went local. So did the Fresh Prince. So did Bud on Married with Children. Alex P. Keaton on Family Ties. The girls in The Facts of Life. So Justin's totally going to Dartmouth. Were any of us raised in a hole, and if so, didn't that hole have a TV set in it? Gimme a break. Anyway. Brian smirks, "And here I'd thought I was finally rid of you." Justin grabs him and grins, "Not until I say so!" This season is one big PSA about the perils of codependence. Justin adds that he has to do what's going to make him happy. Ted: "Spoken like a true disciple of Brian's." Emmett asks Mikey what happened to "Hunkalicious," and Mike replies, "He asked me to go with him into the back room!" Where the pen and paper are! Emmett gasps, "The nerve." Ted adds, "Treating you like a piece of meat." Emmett whispers to Ted: "He gave me a hard-on." Ted: "Likewise." No comment from here. Absolutely none. Nope. Not me. I have nothing to say. Mike continues that he told Really Hot Guy that he was in a relationship. Brian guesses that Really Hot Guy Really Didn't Care. Mike's like, yeah, like it didn't matter! Ted adds, "It doesn't, in here." Brian tells Mike that he should have gone for it. Mike's like, what do you mean? Brian: "I'll get you an instruction manual." Hee! Mike says that The Demon would kill him. Brian says that the Chiropractor from Hell doesn't need to know. Emmett exaggerates a lisp, "As if you'd even be tempted, with Dr. Dreamboat in yo pants!" Gag.
Ted's looking around at the upper balcony and stops short when he sees Blake, he of the overdose-induced coma. Ted says that he hasn't seen Blake in a while. Emmett drawls that all good things must come to an end. Ted mutters that Blake's still cute. Emmett: "You say that about all the boys who put you in a coma." Ted's all shifty and drooped over and Eeyore-like. Blake spots Ted and gleefully runs down the stairs. He's obviously on about twelve different types of drugs. Blake joyfully asks Ted how he his. Ted nervously answers that he's okay, thanks. Blake whispers in his ear, "You are so sexy." Ted remembers hearing that line before. Emmett and Mike hover nearby. Blake asks Ted to dance, and all of a sudden a hand comes out of nowhere and pushes Blake away in this sort of weird, stop-action, time warp kind of way. Emmett appears between Ted and the twinkie, and snaps, "No, thanks." Blake -- still chipper, but sweating like a racehorse -- asks who he is. Ted politely introduces them. Emmett monotones, "I've heard so much about you." Emmett's head does this weird fast-action shake thing straight out of Freakylinks. Blake offers Emmett some gum, which just cracks me up. Emmett tries to burn a hole into Blake's forehead with his eyes. Blake's too busy being fascinated with the gum in his mouth to notice. People on drugs are fun-ny. Ted hunches up some more and tries to back away. Blake, out of nowhere, asks Ted if he's hot, and moves forward. Emmett pushes him back again. Blake forcefully asks Ted to dance with him. Emmett pushes him back again. Blake looks up at Emmett like a hurt puppy as Ted turns him down. Ted's head does the Freakylinks thing. Blake backs away, insisting that he'll see Ted later. Emmett shakes his head, "That's one total tweaked-out twinkie...Hollow eyes, twenty-two-inch waist, inability to hold a conversation. He's either a crystal queen or a supermodel."
A bit further off, Brian puts on his coat and tells Justin and Mike that he's leaving. Justin asks where he's going, and Brian replies, "Home to say my prayers." Shyeah, I'd love to hear that conversation with God. Brian asks Mike why he's not home with his Master, and Mike replies that the Demon is at a business dinner. Justin tells Brian to hang on and that he'll come with him, but Brian's like, nope, not tonight, babe, and walks off before Justin can say another word. Burn! Justin asks Mike where Brian's going, and Mike just smirks.
The Bathhouse. Brian walks in, past a porn movie showing two men making out in a pool. And I'm warning you: this is the longest gratuitous sex scene in the history of the world, and at some point, I'm going to lose it. So, Brian's in a towel, walking down a dark hallway, past other men in towels walking down the dark hallway. One of them grabs Brian's crotch, and Brian pauses. They size each other up and decide to move on. Right. Brian takes a peek into the rooms along the hallway. There's a couple getting it on. There's another guy just hanging out naked on a cot. Because we're in a bathhouse. There's another guy wiping himself off with a towel. There's another guy taking his towel off as yet another guy watches. Lots of options at the baths. Got it. Brian keeps moving, and wow, the people on the boards were right: he is developing a little bit of a gut. Looks like someone needs to start doing crunches. An overweight guy walking out of one of the rooms calls out Brian's name. The guy's name is Marty. Marty asks Brian, "So, what are you doing here in the Ninth Circle of Hell?" Brian smirks, "I was reading Gorky and got a taste for the lower depths." Is there a double meaning in that? Whatever. Marty's head swivels back and forth, watching the talent go by, and um, ew, fondling himself underneath the towel -- oh, ewwww -- asks Brian if he's seen anything "interesting." Brian replies, "A tall redhead in 27 with a black leather dildo." Marty sighs, "Oh, yeah, him. He's definitely a possibility for later." Gross. I get it, okay. This is a segment of gay life, or whatever, and these places exist, okay, fine, but you know, there has to be a better way. This is just icky. And it's making me feel really sorry for Brian for being so pathetic -- and, like...I'm sorry, desperate. Although it does make me wonder how come Ted doesn't hang out here more often. Has to be a better way, people. Sorry for the judgment. Anyway, Brian replies that, other than the redhead, "It's all markdowns." He manages not to look pointedly at Marty as he says it. Nice of him. Gross. Marty offers to "help out" if Brian finds someone he likes. If you want to know exactly what Marty said, go back and rerun the tape yourself, because Patience just ran out for another six-pack of cider and some Chinese food.
Meanwhile, back at Babylon, Ted makes his way up to the restroom. A young man is passed out in the middle of the floor. No one's paying attention; in fact, a few actually step over him on their way out. That's just cold. Maybe no one at Babylon knows how to dial 911, and we've all just been too harsh. It's not callousness, just dyslexia.