“ Michael tries to pay for the food, but David shoves Mike's wallet away again and says he's got it. Michael lets the slightest hint of a scowl show, but David's too busy hugging him and petting him like a goddamn puppy to notice. ”
Helen Shaver's back. I'm not sure that I approve of this co-host recycling program. Not that anyone asked me, or anything. I mean, if you're going to do it, just bring Harvey Fierstein on permanently and let it go. The intros still suck, by the way. Still. Forever. Watch the show beforehand, guys, okay? Thank you.
Michael and David play in the snow, to the title song from the French movie, Un Homme et un Femme, which came out in 1966. There's some fancy screen within-screen editing, also '60s style, as Michael and David throw snowballs at each other, build a snowman with a carrot penis (sigh), and wrestle in the snow. Happy, happy. They decide to buy pretzels, and Mike tries to pay for them, but David won't let him.
Afterwards, Michael and David have lunch at a nice corner caf. They're having a great time -- talking, laughing. The bill comes. Michael tries to pay it. David pats his hand condescendingly, and pulls out a crisp hundred-dollar bill to take care of it.
At the gourmet grocery store, Michael and David load up a basket and head to the register. Michael tries to pay for the food, but David shoves Mike's wallet away again and says he's got it, pulling out the platinum card. Michael lets the slightest hint of a scowl show, but David's too busy hugging him and petting him like a goddamn puppy to notice.
Michael and David take a cab to Liberty Avenue. Mike tries to pay for the cab, but David tsks, "No, no, Michael," and pushes him away so that he can hand the cabbie the fare. Mike rolls his eyes in frustration.
Montage of the past few scenes, cut up like the Brady Bunch squares: David paying, David paying, David paying, with Michael in the middle square, none too pleased.
Michael and David are at a nice restaurant. David and asks if Mike wants anything else. Mike answers, "Yeah." David grins, "Good boy. Chocolate Death. Two forks." Good...boy? Mike tells the waiter that he doesn't want dessert. David amends the order to one fork. The waiter heads off. Mike tells David that he wants him to stop paying for everything. David claims not to know what he's talking about. Yeah, right. Mike snorts, "Getting the check, buying the movie tickets, buying the groceries?" David shrugs, "So?" Mike says that he works, and that David doesn't have to support him. David: "I can afford it, you can't. What's the big deal?" Ahhh, verbal castration. My favorite. Actually, it is, but I generally try to restrict it to assholes in bars these days, and leave people I love alone. Michael says that it's a big deal to him. David, using his best pre-school teacher voice, says that he likes to take Mike to nice places. Mike says that he likes going, he just doesn't want David paying all the time. David gazes at him fondly, pauses, and tries another tactic: "You pay when you can, don't you?" You mean when you let him, right? Mike says that he does, and, remembering, he pulls out a check for his part of the house expenses and hands it to David. David thanks him and, waving the check, replies, "See? I'm taking your money." Mike asks him if he's sure $300 a month is half of everything. David doesn't respond. Mike pushes, "The cleaning lady, the utilities?" David interrupts Michael to greet the waiter bearing chocolate cake. Mike rolls his eyes, simmering. David asks if Mike wants a bite. Mike, stewing, shakes his head no.
“ Emmett cheerfully chirps, 'Isn't Dyke Night fun?' Ted drones, 'I don't know when I've had such a good time.' Probably the last time you were at Babylon, Eeyore. ”
Babylon! Hot Dancing Gay Boys In '60s Mod Drag shake it down on the raised platforms...wait a minute. Those aren't drag queens, those are women. Wait a minute, they're all women! Cut to TLFKAM, looking at all the Hot Dancing Gay, uh, Girls, groove on the dance floor, to a techno remix of "These Boots are Made for Walking." Ted, Emmett, and TLFKAM lean on the bar to her. Ted and Emmett look around them in shock and disgust, because the concept of lesbians dancing is so foreign to them. Emmett cheerfully chirps, "Isn't Dyke Night fun?" Ted drones, "I don't know when I've had such a good time." Probably the last time you were at Babylon, Eeyore. Ted and Emmett turn back to the bar and Emmett whispers, "I hate Dyke Night." Ted shudders, "Me, too. I feel so violated." Oh, shut. UP. First of all, shut up. Second of all, then why are you here? TLFKAM doesn't know any women she could have gone with? Third of all, gay men who can't stand watching gay women together is not funny, it's lame. And fourth of all, in the immortal words of my favorite fictional press secretary, shut up again. Emmett looks at two women grinding together and ewws, "What are they doing?" Ted shakes his head, "The muncher mash?" God. Emmett asks TLFKAM when she was last at Dyke Night, and she answers that it was before she met Lindsay. Ted reminds her that that they weren't going to mention St. L., so that was a really stupid question, now, wasn't it? Emmett points out an intense woman with short red hair; TLFKAM sighs that she looks like Lindsay with red hair. Ted points out another intense woman with long black hair; TLFKAM mopes that she looks like Lindsay with black hair. And, of course, neither of them looks like Lindsay at all. Ted and Emmett roll their eyes. Cut to a tall guy with a crew cut, who either didn't get the memo, or is really, really desperate. Ted snarks, "Don't tell me. He reminds you of Lindsay in drag." TLFKAM says that she just can't help it: "I miss her! I thought we'd be together forever. That she would be the one I'd kiss goodnight for the rest of my life. Now I live with my cousin Rita and kiss her goodnight. Christ." Yeah, well, then maybe you shouldn't have...ah, screw it, I'll have plenty of ranting time later on. As a matter of fact, let me just get the soapbox out from under the bed right now. Ted shakes his head: "Look, [TLFKAM], it's been fun hanging out with you, you've been a great fag hag --" and Emmett continues, "But the thing of it is, fag hags are supposed to be fun." And straight, too, I thought. Aren't they supposed to be straight? Ted suggests that TLFKAM go see Lindsay and tell her how she feels. TLFKAM whines, "How can I do that? After what I did?" How can you not, hmmm? Ted replies that it takes two (I typed that through gritted teeth, by the way), and that she has nothing to lose. "Unless," he adds, swallowing down bile, "you wanna wait for the Dyke Night." He and Emmett head to the dance floor. I thought they were on their way out, but they start dancing behind TLFKAM -- proving once again that the rhythm is going to getcha, no matter what -- and she takes one last swig of her beer and sighs, as the camera does this slo-mo, then fast-paced thing around her, which looks cool, but has absolutely nothing to do with anything. I'm having problems with style over substance this week. Blame it on a lack of sleep.
Brian's Jeep. He's driving Justin to school. Justin tells Brian that he drinks too much coffee. Brian looks at the cup in his hand and says it's not coffee, it's latte. Justin says that it's just coffee that costs five bucks. Where does latte cost five bucks? I just got some today that was only $3.40, with tax, and that was the largest size they had. Wait, am I not proving my point? Justin PSAs: "And it still causes high blood pressure, heart attacks, poor sexual performance --" Brian interrupts, "I haven't had any complaints." Yes. We know. You're a stud. There's no one in Pittsburgh who's a bigger stud than you. Just sit there and look pretty, all right? Justin continues, "-- not to mention insomnia." Brian replies, "Well, usually when I'm in my bed, I'm not asleep anyway, so it really doesn't matter." Justin snickers, "No, but see, fortunately, I have youth on my side. I can spend all night fucking, and still score 1500 on my SATs." Brian's impressed, and tells Justin that he could go anywhere he wanted for college with those scores. Justin says that he applied to Dartmouth and Brown. Brian frowns slightly: "What, you're going out of state?" Justin snorts, "You give a shit?" Brian pauses, and then replies, "It's just the first I've heard of it, is all." Justin grins, triumphantly: "You do. You give a shit. You give a shit!" Could be. Betcha Brian doesn't do anything about it, though. Brian pulls up to the school as Justin croons, "You so care about me-eee! You lo-ove me-eee!" Ha ha ha! Brian orders him to get out of the car. Justin gets one last one in: "Brian Kinney gives a shit!" Brian tells him to fuck off. Justin slams the Jeep door shut with a smug grin. He meets Daphne (Daphne! Yay!) on the steps. She takes a look at him and says, "Wow, you look self-satisfied. One could even say, 'supercilious.'" Justin replies that everyone knows she got 700 verbal; she can stop showing off. No. She can stay and show off forever. Daphne asks Justin what Brian said to him, and Justin smirks, "Hmm. It's what he didn't say."
Homeroom. Chris Hobbes -- he of the locker-room handjob earlier this season, knocks down a nerdy boy in glasses into his seat, saying, "Excuse me, faggot!" Nerdy Boy says he's not a faggot. Chris says that Nerdy Boy looks like a faggot to him. Yeah, well you know what, Chris? So do you. Daphne, walking in with Justin, sneers oh, yeah, like that's original. Justin tells Chris to leave Nerdy Boy alone. Chris snorts that it's a "faggot convention." How clever. I wonder what his SAT scores were? Justin tells Chris not to take it out on Nerdy Boy. Chris is like, take what out on him? Justin snaps, "Your dick." The two boys start shoving each other. The homeroom teacher walks in, and tells them to knock it off, and then sternly tells Justin, "Taylor, time you cause trouble, you can talk to the principal." Daphne says that it was Chris's fault, and that he called Justin a faggot. The teacher ignores her and tells everyone to sit down. He starts to call attendance, including the names "Bueller" and "Fry" in the roll call, as in "Ferris" and "Cameron." And if Ferris Bueller's Day Off isn't one of your favorite movies, then something is seriously wrong with you. When he calls Justin's name, instead of "here," Chris shouts, "Queer!" The teacher keeps moving on, even though several students are snickering. Justin speaks up and tells the teacher -- who's named Mr. Dickson, so we're all clear -- that Chris just called him "queer." Dickson says that he didn't hear anything. Justin says that Dickson must have heard it; everyone else did. Dickson tells him to sit down. Justin says that he wants Chris to apologize. Dickson tells him to sit down again. Justin: "Aren't you going to do anything, or are you just going to pretend that nothing happened?" Dickson yells at him to sit down or he's getting sent to the principal's office. Oh, puhleeze! I sincerely doubt that a teacher at a private high school would be this blatantly homophobic in front of, like, twenty witnesses. Trust me, the principal's office is the last place this ass wants Justin to go. Hello? Justin's parents are still paying tuition? And even if Justin's parents (meaning Jennifer), for some reason or another, decided not to sue, I bet you damn straight TLFKAM would be good to go in spades. This isn't the Boy Scouts, people. But all in the name of contrived plot development, I guess. I'm slowly accepting it. Well, I'm getting used to it. No, I'm not. Anyway, Justin tells him not to bother sending him to the principal's office, and angrily stalks to the door: "The queer is out of here, the queer is going, the queer is gone!" Dickson snaps, "That's enough of that!" Justin snorts, "Well, what do you know? He says it and you don' t hear a thing, but when I say it...well, listen up, now that your hearing has improved." Justin gets in Dickson's face with both middle fingers pointed out, "This queer says fuck you!" Balls to burn, and then some. The class hoots, hollers, and claps, except Nerdy Boy, who looks very, very uncomfortable.