Helen Shaver's back. I'm not sure that I approve of this co-host recycling program. Not that anyone asked me, or anything. I mean, if you're going to do it, just bring Harvey Fierstein on permanently and let it go. The intros still suck, by the way. Still. Forever. Watch the show beforehand, guys, okay? Thank you.
Michael and David play in the snow, to the title song from the French movie, Un Homme et un Femme, which came out in 1966. There's some fancy screen within-screen editing, also '60s style, as Michael and David throw snowballs at each other, build a snowman with a carrot penis (sigh), and wrestle in the snow. Happy, happy. They decide to buy pretzels, and Mike tries to pay for them, but David won't let him.
Afterwards, Michael and David have lunch at a nice corner café. They're having a great time -- talking, laughing. The bill comes. Michael tries to pay it. David pats his hand condescendingly, and pulls out a crisp hundred-dollar bill to take care of it.
At the gourmet grocery store, Michael and David load up a basket and head to the register. Michael tries to pay for the food, but David shoves Mike's wallet away again and says he's got it, pulling out the platinum card. Michael lets the slightest hint of a scowl show, but David's too busy hugging him and petting him like a goddamn puppy to notice.
Michael and David take a cab to Liberty Avenue. Mike tries to pay for the cab, but David tsks, "No, no, Michael," and pushes him away so that he can hand the cabbie the fare. Mike rolls his eyes in frustration.
Montage of the past few scenes, cut up like the Brady Bunch squares: David paying, David paying, David paying, with Michael in the middle square, none too pleased.
Michael and David are at a nice restaurant. David and asks if Mike wants anything else. Mike answers, "Yeah." David grins, "Good boy. Chocolate Death. Two forks." Good...boy? Mike tells the waiter that he doesn't want dessert. David amends the order to one fork. The waiter heads off. Mike tells David that he wants him to stop paying for everything. David claims not to know what he's talking about. Yeah, right. Mike snorts, "Getting the check, buying the movie tickets, buying the groceries?" David shrugs, "So?" Mike says that he works, and that David doesn't have to support him. David: "I can afford it, you can't. What's the big deal?" Ahhh, verbal castration. My favorite. Actually, it is, but I generally try to restrict it to assholes in bars these days, and leave people I love alone. Michael says that it's a big deal to him. David, using his best pre-school teacher voice, says that he likes to take Mike to nice places. Mike says that he likes going, he just doesn't want David paying all the time. David gazes at him fondly, pauses, and tries another tactic: "You pay when you can, don't you?" You mean when you let him, right? Mike says that he does, and, remembering, he pulls out a check for his part of the house expenses and hands it to David. David thanks him and, waving the check, replies, "See? I'm taking your money." Mike asks him if he's sure $300 a month is half of everything. David doesn't respond. Mike pushes, "The cleaning lady, the utilities?" David interrupts Michael to greet the waiter bearing chocolate cake. Mike rolls his eyes, simmering. David asks if Mike wants a bite. Mike, stewing, shakes his head no.
Babylon! Hot Dancing Gay Boys In '60s Mod Drag shake it down on the raised platforms...wait a minute. Those aren't drag queens, those are women. Wait a minute, they're all women! Cut to TLFKAM, looking at all the Hot Dancing Gay, uh, Girls, groove on the dance floor, to a techno remix of "These Boots are Made for Walking." Ted, Emmett, and TLFKAM lean on the bar to her. Ted and Emmett look around them in shock and disgust, because the concept of lesbians dancing is so foreign to them. Emmett cheerfully chirps, "Isn't Dyke Night fun?" Ted drones, "I don't know when I've had such a good time." Probably the last time you were at Babylon, Eeyore. Ted and Emmett turn back to the bar and Emmett whispers, "I hate Dyke Night." Ted shudders, "Me, too. I feel so violated." Oh, shut. UP. First of all, shut up. Second of all, then why are you here? TLFKAM doesn't know any women she could have gone with? Third of all, gay men who can't stand watching gay women together is not funny, it's lame. And fourth of all, in the immortal words of my favorite fictional press secretary, shut up again. Emmett looks at two women grinding together and ewws, "What are they doing?" Ted shakes his head, "The muncher mash?" God. Emmett asks TLFKAM when she was last at Dyke Night, and she answers that it was before she met Lindsay. Ted reminds her that that they weren't going to mention St. L., so that was a really stupid question, now, wasn't it? Emmett points out an intense woman with short red hair; TLFKAM sighs that she looks like Lindsay with red hair. Ted points out another intense woman with long black hair; TLFKAM mopes that she looks like Lindsay with black hair. And, of course, neither of them looks like Lindsay at all. Ted and Emmett roll their eyes. Cut to a tall guy with a crew cut, who either didn't get the memo, or is really, really desperate. Ted snarks, "Don't tell me. He reminds you of Lindsay in drag." TLFKAM says that she just can't help it: "I miss her! I thought we'd be together forever. That she would be the one I'd kiss goodnight for the rest of my life. Now I live with my cousin Rita and kiss her goodnight. Christ." Yeah, well, then maybe you shouldn't have...ah, screw it, I'll have plenty of ranting time later on. As a matter of fact, let me just get the soapbox out from under the bed right now. Ted shakes his head: "Look, [TLFKAM], it's been fun hanging out with you, you've been a great fag hag --" and Emmett continues, "But the thing of it is, fag hags are supposed to be fun." And straight, too, I thought. Aren't they supposed to be straight? Ted suggests that TLFKAM go see Lindsay and tell her how she feels. TLFKAM whines, "How can I do that? After what I did?" How can you not, hmmm? Ted replies that it takes two (I typed that through gritted teeth, by the way), and that she has nothing to lose. "Unless," he adds, swallowing down bile, "you wanna wait for the Dyke Night." He and Emmett head to the dance floor. I thought they were on their way out, but they start dancing behind TLFKAM -- proving once again that the rhythm is going to getcha, no matter what -- and she takes one last swig of her beer and sighs, as the camera does this slo-mo, then fast-paced thing around her, which looks cool, but has absolutely nothing to do with anything. I'm having problems with style over substance this week. Blame it on a lack of sleep.
Brian's Jeep. He's driving Justin to school. Justin tells Brian that he drinks too much coffee. Brian looks at the cup in his hand and says it's not coffee, it's latte. Justin says that it's just coffee that costs five bucks. Where does latte cost five bucks? I just got some today that was only $3.40, with tax, and that was the largest size they had. Wait, am I not proving my point? Justin PSAs: "And it still causes high blood pressure, heart attacks, poor sexual performance --" Brian interrupts, "I haven't had any complaints." Yes. We know. You're a stud. There's no one in Pittsburgh who's a bigger stud than you. Just sit there and look pretty, all right? Justin continues, "-- not to mention insomnia." Brian replies, "Well, usually when I'm in my bed, I'm not asleep anyway, so it really doesn't matter." Justin snickers, "No, but see, fortunately, I have youth on my side. I can spend all night fucking, and still score 1500 on my SATs." Brian's impressed, and tells Justin that he could go anywhere he wanted for college with those scores. Justin says that he applied to Dartmouth and Brown. Brian frowns slightly: "What, you're going out of state?" Justin snorts, "You give a shit?" Brian pauses, and then replies, "It's just the first I've heard of it, is all." Justin grins, triumphantly: "You do. You give a shit. You give a shit!" Could be. Betcha Brian doesn't do anything about it, though. Brian pulls up to the school as Justin croons, "You so care about me-eee! You lo-ove me-eee!" Ha ha ha! Brian orders him to get out of the car. Justin gets one last one in: "Brian Kinney gives a shit!" Brian tells him to fuck off. Justin slams the Jeep door shut with a smug grin. He meets Daphne (Daphne! Yay!) on the steps. She takes a look at him and says, "Wow, you look self-satisfied. One could even say, 'supercilious.'" Justin replies that everyone knows she got 700 verbal; she can stop showing off. No. She can stay and show off forever. Daphne asks Justin what Brian said to him, and Justin smirks, "Hmm. It's what he didn't say."
Homeroom. Chris Hobbes -- he of the locker-room handjob earlier this season, knocks down a nerdy boy in glasses into his seat, saying, "Excuse me, faggot!" Nerdy Boy says he's not a faggot. Chris says that Nerdy Boy looks like a faggot to him. Yeah, well you know what, Chris? So do you. Daphne, walking in with Justin, sneers oh, yeah, like that's original. Justin tells Chris to leave Nerdy Boy alone. Chris snorts that it's a "faggot convention." How clever. I wonder what his SAT scores were? Justin tells Chris not to take it out on Nerdy Boy. Chris is like, take what out on him? Justin snaps, "Your dick." The two boys start shoving each other. The homeroom teacher walks in, and tells them to knock it off, and then sternly tells Justin, "Taylor, time you cause trouble, you can talk to the principal." Daphne says that it was Chris's fault, and that he called Justin a faggot. The teacher ignores her and tells everyone to sit down. He starts to call attendance, including the names "Bueller" and "Fry" in the roll call, as in "Ferris" and "Cameron." And if Ferris Bueller's Day Off isn't one of your favorite movies, then something is seriously wrong with you. When he calls Justin's name, instead of "here," Chris shouts, "Queer!" The teacher keeps moving on, even though several students are snickering. Justin speaks up and tells the teacher -- who's named Mr. Dickson, so we're all clear -- that Chris just called him "queer." Dickson says that he didn't hear anything. Justin says that Dickson must have heard it; everyone else did. Dickson tells him to sit down. Justin says that he wants Chris to apologize. Dickson tells him to sit down again. Justin: "Aren't you going to do anything, or are you just going to pretend that nothing happened?" Dickson yells at him to sit down or he's getting sent to the principal's office. Oh, puhleeze! I sincerely doubt that a teacher at a private high school would be this blatantly homophobic in front of, like, twenty witnesses. Trust me, the principal's office is the last place this ass wants Justin to go. Hello? Justin's parents are still paying tuition? And even if Justin's parents (meaning Jennifer), for some reason or another, decided not to sue, I bet you damn straight TLFKAM would be good to go in spades. This isn't the Boy Scouts, people. But all in the name of contrived plot development, I guess. I'm slowly accepting it. Well, I'm getting used to it. No, I'm not. Anyway, Justin tells him not to bother sending him to the principal's office, and angrily stalks to the door: "The queer is out of here, the queer is going, the queer is gone!" Dickson snaps, "That's enough of that!" Justin snorts, "Well, what do you know? He says it and you don' t hear a thing, but when I say it...well, listen up, now that your hearing has improved." Justin gets in Dickson's face with both middle fingers pointed out, "This queer says fuck you!" Balls to burn, and then some. The class hoots, hollers, and claps, except Nerdy Boy, who looks very, very uncomfortable.
The bank. Mike and Brian stand in line, as the Cutest Bank Teller in the Whole World calls for the customer. That's them. Brian's already given Cute Bank Teller The Look. Mike gives him the Dumb and Happy Smile. Cute Bank Teller asks whether they want to open a money market account today: "You get a $50 gift certificate for laser hair removal." Mike: "Thanks, I wax." Hee. Cute Bank Teller grins, so he's not only real cute, but has a sense of humor, and he's also really cute. Mike says that he was looking at his statement, and there's a lot more money in his account than there should be. This is a problem? Cute Bank Teller asks him to swipe his ATM card in the reader and enter his PIN. Brian asks Cute Bank Teller, "When you've finished helping my friend, could you check the balance in my account?" I'm going to assume that's a euphemism. I didn't hear the whoosh of a hammer swinging by my head that time, so I'm not sure. Cute Bank Teller says sure, and giving him a piece of paper, asks, "Do you want to put down the number?" Okay, he didn't say "account number," so I'm guessing that's a yes, especially since Mike's glaring at Brian. Brian gives the paper back and Cute Bank Teller smiles, "This is your phone number." I just love being right. Mike begs Brian to let Cute Bank Teller help him before Brian helps himself. Brian asks Mike how much extra he has; looks like about a thousand dollars. Brian says he should "always have such financial problems." So should I. ["So should I." -- Wing Chun] Cute Bank Teller tells Mike that some of his checks haven't cleared. Oh, no. David didn't. Cute Bank Teller recites the check numbers, and Mike looks at his checkbook. And David did -- he hasn't been cashing the checks Mike gave him. What a pain in the ass. But how is it that it took so long for Mike to figure out that these monthly checks weren't being cashed? Weak script writing, perhaps? Brian snarks something about David forgetting to because he's so old, but nobody cares. Mike tries to push him out, but Brian starts playing around, holding onto the counter like he can't be parted from Cute Bank Teller, who holds up the piece of paper with Brian's phone number on it and nods, "I'll check this out, sir." Brian smirks to Mike, "There are still certain services you can't get at an ATM." Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go.
The Happy Fun House. TLFKAM apprehensively walks up to the door, and rings the doorbell. St. L. answers, surprised to see her. TLFKAM says that she came by to see Gus, but then drops it: "Oh, God, Lindsay, I miss you so much!" Lindsay sighs that she's waited so long for TLFKAM to say that. TLFKAM hugs her: "I'm sorry, baby, I'm so sorry for everything." Lindsay says that she's sorry, too: "It doesn't matter whose fault it was." TLFKAM replies, "All that matters is this." And kisses Lindsay passionately.
But alas, it was all just a fantasy: The camera fades up to white, and then back down to TLFKAM, at the door...which opens to reveal a tall man with short black hair, who greets her with, "Oui?" TLFKAM, who's never met a stranger she couldn't be rude to, snaps, "'Oui'?!" With a strong French accent, the man -- who, mind you, doesn't know her from Maurice Chevalier -- leans on the doorjamb and replies, "Oui? As in, is there something you would like?" TLFKAM recovers, and stammers that she would like to speak to Lindsay. Frenchman tells her that Lindsay's teaching class. TLFKAM wouldn't know that, because Lindsay wasn't working when TLFKAM slept with the Sapphic Slut and then subsequently left her high and dry with a baby and a mortgage. Come on, now -- did you honestly think I was going to stop bringing that up? TLFKAM, back with the attitude, asks who he is. He shrugs, "I am Guillaume. And you are?" TLFKAM, imitating his accent, angrily: "Me-la-nie." Yeah, see -- he doesn't know who you are, you're just some strange person who's rung the doorbell in the middle of the night. But feel free to be horrendously abrasive to him anyway. Guillaume knows who she is: "Ah, the ex-girlfriend...the one who had the affair. Of course, en France, this would be meaningless." But we're in America, thank God, a country that knows how to destroy military equipment before an adversary or other foreign power can get to it. Ask China, if you don't believe me. And, here, when you cheat on your wife, there are consequences. TLFKAM should feel lucky -- at least she didn't get impeached. TLFKAM is surprised that Lindsay told him about that, and he replies, "We are very, intime...intimate?" TLFKAM says she gets it, but she just came by to see her son. "Her" son, now. More lazy scripting, or a lot of nerve. Take your pick. Guillaume says that's not possible, since it's Gus's feeding time. TLFKAM tries to push past him, saying that she can feed him, but Guillaume stops her with a hand on her chest, "No, no, no, I will do it. He gets very, how do you say it, finicky." TLFKAM's had enough: "Okay, who the fuck are you, anyway, and why hasn't Lindsay told me about you?!" Guillaume: "Perhaps it was her decision, since you are no longer living together, to no longer share all the details of her life. This is normal." Snicker. Gus starts crying, and Guillaume calls to him that he's on his way, and then turning back to TLFKAM, says, "I'll tell her you stopped by." And shuts the door in TLFKAM's face, as her mouth drops open.
The Boys' Gym. The locker room is filled with Naked Men, and I'm only playing Ms. Obvious here because the camera spends like, thirty seconds showing all the Naked Men before settling on Mike, Ted, and Emmett, so I assume we're supposed to notice. Mike, Ted, and Emmett are not naked, because they never are. Mike wonders why David isn't cashing his checks. Ted thinks that David might be,"waiting until quarter when he has less tax liability." Emmett: "Spoken like a true accountant." Whoops, I stand corrected. Emmett just flashed the goods. I guess since he's already gone fully frontal once before, it's okay. Brian says that maybe David was taking the checks to humor Mike. Um. Duh. Mike rolls his eyes: "Trust me, I'm not amused. I can pay my own way." Ted says that's "very noble." Emmett: "Yeah, and stupid. Michael, sweetie, it's every gay boy's dream to be a kept woman." Why is that, exactly? Never seen it lead to nothing but trouble before. Just then, TLFKAM storms into the locker room, to the consternation of all. Much yelping, "hey, hey, HEY!"-ing, and all that. TLFKAM growls, "What, you think I've never seen a dick before?" Ted, pulling up his pants: "Not mine!" Emmett calmly gestures to everyone, "It's okay, it's okay, she's a lesbian." All the naked men sigh in relief and continue wandering around naked. Ha! Mike asks what she's doing there; TLFKAM says that she took T&E's advice and went to see Lindsay, and then asks when Brian last saw Lindsay. Brian shrugs and says a couple of weeks ago. TLFKAM asks whether she mentioned a French guy living with her. Brian says no. TLFKAM storms, "When I went to see Lindsay, a fucking Frog answered the door...and when I asked to see Gus, he slammed the door in my face!" Ted: "Well, everybody knows the French are famous for éclairs, oral sex, and, rudeness." Whaddya know? So is TLFKAM. Well, maybe not so much with the baking. Emmett chirps, "I once had a date that involved all three." Brian gets his cell phone and, dialing Lindsay's number, says that maybe the French guy is a new babysitter. TLFKAM frowns, "From France?" Ted adds, "That's a little pricey on a teacher's salary." Okay, I hate it when they do stuff like this -- she didn't have to send to France to get him, obviously. Foreigners do sometimes immigrate to the States, but perhaps that was a stretch for TPTB, who, after all, took three-quarters of a season to find black people in Canada. You know, the end of the line for the Underground Railroad? TLFKAM wonders why St. L. hasn't said anything about it to anyone. Brian turns up his cell so that everyone can hear the voicemail message: it's Guillaume, saying, "Bonjour! You have reached Lindsay, Guillaume, and beautiful baby Gus. If you would like to leave us a message, kindly do so at the end of the beep." Brian: "'Us'?" Whoa-O, I feel a little of that old-time possessiveness coming on. Emmett says that Guillaume's "a little pushy for the help." Mike adds that it makes Lindsay and Guillaume sound like a couple. Ted: "Quelque chose isn't kosher." No, it's French. What the hell is he talking about? Yes, I know what it means. Still doesn't make any sense.
Mikey/Justin's room. Debbie knocks on the door, and then enters with a tray of hot chocolate and fig newtons. Justin's sulking on the bed, sketching. Debbie says that the last time she brought up this particular snack was when Michael still lived there: "He'd lock himself up here for hours and hours. Told me he was playing with his model airplanes. Ha! I know what he was playing with!" She puts the mug on the nightstand and offers Justin a fig newton, which he refuses. She tells him that what Dickson did sucked: "Having you suspended." No way. Absolutely no way that would actually happen. See rant above. Justin said that he would like to punch Dickson's face in, and Chris Hobbes's, too. Debbie sighs that that would make Justin just like them. Justin: "So what? They deserve it." Debbie says that of course they do, "but there are better ways of handling it." But before I go on, I'd like to point out that Justin has two sketches of Brian taped to the wall above the bed. Don't trip on your rush back to the VCR. Justin snorts, "Quit school?" Debbie: "And give them the pleasure?...You know, there were people who found out that Michael was gay, who said and did the cruelest things. Friends. Neighbors. Family. My own goddamn sister wouldn't let her kids come over here, because she was afraid he was going to molest them or something. They're ignorant, or scared. And the only thing you can do is educate 'em, or shoot them. Me, I joined P-FLAG because it was more practical than shooting them." Which reminds me, I don't know if anyone was watching Spin Room on CNN Monday night, but there was this guy on there who was going on and on that homosexuals should "really" be perceived, how the word "gay" was such a misnomer: "'Gay' means 'happy,' 'light-hearted'! These people aren't 'gay'! Homosexuality is a tortured lifestyle!" Well, who's doing the torturing, asshole? Coop literally had to pull me off the walls (I know, he's over all the time now). And I was telling him, what if someone said something like that about black people? Or about Jewish people? And he, of course, told me that that happens all the time, too. You just don't hear it because it's not PC anymore to say it. And he's right. How sad is that? Breathe. Breathe. Anyway. Justin smiles, appreciating the support. Debbie asks whether he has a gay club at his school. Justin laughs. What is she, nuts? Debbie: "I've been accused of it." Snicker. Justin says that he's the only gay student at his school. Debbie doubts that: "Gay kids are everywhere. Only they're not like you. They're afraid to show their faces." She says that maybe it's up to him to show them that they're not alone.
David and Mike at Liberty Diner, upping my blood pressure. David tells Mike that he didn't cash Mike's checks because he doesn't need Mike's money. Ass. In the pre-school-teacher voice, David explains, "Michael, you know that the monthly expenses aren't really $300." Hate. Him. Michael says that of course he knows that: "But that's not the point. I want to contribute as much as I can." Set phasers on loathe, y'all: David replies, "And you do! You give me something much valuable than money. You give me your sweetness, your charm, your humor, your hot little bod. What's paying half the gas and electric compared to that, Mikey?" Does he fetch your slippers when you ask him to, too, David? Chase the ball you throw around the house? Mike scowls that he's not David's boy toy. David angrily replies, "I never thought of you that as my boy toy. Don't insult me!" Arrrghhh! KILL. The waiter brings over the check and Mike grabs it before David can. David looks at the check like it's his only link to salvation, then sighs, tiredly, "Okay. Whatever will make you happy. Whatever you want." Mike replies, "What would make me happy is if you stop paying for everything!" David says that, from now on, they'll only do things they can both afford. I smell a set-up. Mike jumps out of the booth, and David follows him, then sighs heavily, "There's only one thing." I knew it. David tells him, "Don't get mad, but you know that week you're taking off from work? I cleared it, too, and popped for a trip to Paris. First Class, Suite at the Georges V [which he pronounces "Georges Cinq," because he's a pretentious, domineering, ugh, ugh, ugh!], reservations at the finest restaurants." Mike is stunned, and says that sound fabulous. David continues, "I know, I know. It was the wrong thing to do. I'll cancel it tomorrow. And we'll just stay in. And rent a movie. Or two. And that will still be fun." And then he turns away from Mike, smirking slightly. What are the odds Mike's really going to turn that down, especially if it's in the guise of a gift, sitting right there in the middle of the Path of Least Resistance? Manipulative prick.
The Happy Fun House. TLFKAM rings the doorbell again. Lindsay opens the door, and it's not just TLFKAM (wearing a really odd white knit cap with a pompom on the top of it, which makes her look like a two-year-old, but not necessarily in a bad way), but Brian. And Ted. And Emmett. I'm going to assume that Ted and Emmett are there merely to say funny and sarcastic things that Brian and TLFKAM could never get away with, because otherwise, I have no idea why they came. Brian says that he hopes she doesn't mind them all dropping by like this. Lindsay nervously answers that they actually could have called first. TLFKAM, pulling off the hat and pushing past her: "We did. And got your message." Snicker. However. Not exactly sure what right she thinks she has to barge in, since this is really, actually, none of her business. And what's stopping her from still telling Lindsay how she feels? The Boys follow TLFKAM in, and Lindsay apprehensively closes the door behind them.
Guillaume walks out of the dining room, bouncing "Gus." Guillaume chirps to the baby, "Look who's here!" And then, seeing all of them, "Oh. Look who else is here." Lindsay uncomfortably reintroduces Guillaume to TLFKAM, who he greets civilly. TLFKAM doesn't greet him quite as civilly. I get the "threatened" thing and all, but why is this your business, again? Just tell her how you feel. Lindsay also introduces Brian as "Gus's" biological father, giving Brian the opening to rush over and snatch the baby from Guillaume's arms. Because it's Brian's baby. Brian's, you got that? Guillaume assures Brian that he doesn't need to worry about Gus, now that Guillaume's here. Brian drawls, "I wasn't worried about him when you weren't." Ha! Lindsay introduces Ted and Emmett. Emmett critically looks Guillaume up and down and replies, "Bonjour." Ted corrects him -- it's "bonsoir." Guillaume says, "Enchanté" to them both, anyway. Lindsay tells the gang that she and Guillaume were in the middle of dinner, so if they don't mind...Guillaume interrupts that there's enough rabbit for everybody, if they want to join in. You know, I gotta tell you, he comes across a lot better watching this the second time then he did the first. Probably because, with the possible exception of Brian (it's his baby, okay? his), no one else really has any rights here. Lindsay doesn't owe a damn one of them an explanation. Plus, Guillaume doesn't know them, and he's being a lot nicer to them than they are to him, you know? Anyway, Emmett squeals at the idea of eating a rabbit. Guillaume explains that he made a rabbit stew. Emmett's like, with a bunny rabbit?! Ted snarks, "It tastes just like chicken." Guillaume invites them to sit down and have some. Ted and Emmett pause, and TLFKAM hits Ted on the shoulder for even thinking about it. Ted says they're just going to have a little taste, and he and Emmett follow Guillaume into the dining room, giving Brian and TLFKAM and "Gus" the chance to corner Lindsay.
TLFKAM asks Lindsay what's going on: "Who's that guy and what is he doing in our house?" "Our"? Hmm. Lindsay snaps that she doesn't appreciate them barging in and interrogating her like this. TLFKAM backs off: "Who's interrogating?" Yeah, Linz, that's TLFKAM's normal tone of voice, remember? Brian adds that they're just asking what's up. Lindsay says that Guillaume teaches French at the University, and they've been friends for a couple of years. TLFKAM asks why Lindsay never mentioned him, and Lindsay says she did; TLFKAM never listened. Burn. Lindsay says that he needed help and so did she -- earning a wince from TLFKAM -- so St. L. told Guillaume that he could move in. TLFKAM asks why she didn't tell any of them (meaning her, of course), and Lindsay's like hello, "We haven't exactly been communicating lately." Which is what I'm saying. In the living room, Ted and Emmett rave about the rabbit stew, stopping only when Brian glares at them. Lindsay adds that Guillaume is a fantastic cook, and that he's wonderful with the baby: "Gus took to him immediately. And I can't tell you what a relief it is to have someone helping with the mortgage." Uh huh. And in TLFKAM's defense, I am kind of finding it hard to believe, what with all the remorse she's shown since The Incident with the Sapphic Slut, that she didn't at least offer to help out. Two lines, tops, would have been all it would have taken to establish exactly what was going on, instead of leaving us to presume that TLFKAM basically fucked Lindsay over twice. But this whooooole episode is one big dramatic implausibility, so grab a cold one and strap in. Brian asks how long Guillaume's staying. Lindsay says that it depends. TLFKAM, hopefully: "Until he gets a place of his own?" Lindsay grins tightly, "Until...we get married." Aw, hell, no! Man, I had to live through three episodes of Emmett being straight, and now this shit? TLFKAM's shocked, but Lindsay tells her to not get so excited: "It's just an arrangement. I can get some help, Guillaume can get his green card." Brian rolls his eyes, as TLFKAM just really doesn't know where to look. She could, of course, just tell Lindsay how she feels. Gush. Cry. Get her name back. But these bastards are going to put me through a gay fake marriage, aren't they? Because this is just like something Lindsay would do, right? Before asking Brian for more help. Before getting in a boarder or two to help out with the mortgage. Before any of that, Lindsay would risk imprisonment and having her son taken away for, what, maybe a couple of thousand bucks a month? Are they handing out free crack at Showtime? Guillaume walks in to tell them that the soup is in danger of getting cold, if they still want some. Lindsay sheepishly follows him back into the dining room.
Woody's. TLFKAM is on the rampage: "The way he insinuated himself!" Emmett pipes up, "Like it was his house!" Ted adds, "Like he belonged there." Like he was paying rent! TLFKAM says to Brian, "-- and you and I were just a couple of strangers!" She says she needs a cigarette badly, and grabs the pack in front of Brian. She mopes that this is all her fault, and Brian says, "Aw, Melanie the Martyr. Do you want me to set you on fire?" Quote of the night! TLFKAM tells him to just give her a light, which he does, playfully. TLFKAM fumes that if Lindsay and Guillaume go through with this, he's going to have to be around for at least a couple of years. Which reminds me: as a lawyer, why didn't TLFKAM make the possible liabilities of this farce clear? Why? Because The Powers That Be clearly want me to gouge my eyes out with the remote control at the sight of St. L. in a wedding dress. Thanks. I appreciate it. ["Plus since every show on television has done a sham marriage episode, I think most people know that they're a Bad Idea." -- Wing Chun] Ted snarks that, by that time, Gus will be smoking French cigarettes and not wearing deodorant. TLFKAM mopes, "And she'll have moved on with her life, and we'll never get back together." Emmett muses that it's too bad Lindsay doesn't know how much trouble she'd get into: "But then Lindsay probably wouldn't care. You know how she's always looking out for the welfare of others." Wouldn't hurt if you told her anyway. TLFKAM: "The Generous One. And I'm the Selfish One." Brian demands that they arm-wrestle for that title. Okay, no, he doesn't. TLFKAM continues, "Well, I wanted a fuck, and boy did I get fucked." Brian, as he checks out yet another black guy (okay, we get it: you found some, put down the hammer), "There's nothing wrong with getting your needs met." Ted snorts that of course Brian would say that: "It's your manifesto." Brian: "Well, it would be everyone's if they were honest enough to admit it." Brian tells TLFKAM, "Stop blaming yourself, it's boring. And you don't deserve it." Grrrrr.
Just then, Justin pops into view behind Brian, and says hi. Brian asks why he's out, since it's a school night. Justin says that he got suspended for two days, and explains what happened in homeroom. Everyone's impressed at Justin's nerve. TLFKAM doesn't offer to help him out legally, or ask any questions. It's nice that she can leave the office at the office. Ted says, "That brings back memories. Having the shit kicked out of you on the playground." Emmett: "Having lit matches thrown at you in the locker room. Good times." Ugh. They all clink beer bottles. Ted asks if anything like that ever happened to Brian. Brian sighs, "Well, once this straight [love the distinction] football jock picked me up and dunked my head in the toilet...I followed him to his locker, it was open, and he had his hand up like this, and I slammed the locker door on it so hard it broke three of his fingers. And that was the end of the season for him." Ouch.
Later, Brian and Justin are having sex at the loft. And they're supposed to be all sexy and everything, but I'm not getting it, so maybe I've finally OD'ed on naked men. God. Kill me now. They're also too hairless, too pale, and like, not...even messy or anything. In between kissing Justin's neck, Brian asks, "'A Gay/Straight Student' what?" Justin says it's an alliance, like the GM/SGWC, except I guess straight boys are invited, too. Brian asks what the hell it is, and Justin replies, "It's a forum. A club where students discuss issues, plan events -- you know, to promote understanding?" Brian says that he's asleep already. Ha! Justin says he needs Brian's "expertise." Brian says that he thought he already gave it to him. Right. Keep moving. Justin says he means Brian's business expertise, since this Alliance is going to be a tough sell. Brian says that it's late and he's horny, dammit. Justin asks nicely. Brian agrees to help. He tells Justin to pretend that he's a client. Justin sits up straight in bed. Brian laughs: "Yes, this is how I imagine all my clients. I picture them naked." Not too far from the truth, there, methinks. Brian gets out of bed, muttering that he can't believe he's doing this, and, pacing in front of the bed, breaks it down: "The Gay/Straight Student Alliance. Let's all live together. Power to the People. Peace. Boring as shit." Yawn. Justin smirks, "I could take out an Uzi and shoot everyone. That would be exciting." Brian replies that at least he'd get their attention. At least for a little while. Brian says that they need to find a way to sell it. Justin asks how. Brian: "Sex." Justin: "Sex?" Well, yeah. Sex. Brian hands him a condom and tells him to hand them out when he tells folks about the alliance. Justin's skeptical. Brian: "You said it was an alliance. What better way for everyone to come together?" He pours a handful of condoms over Justin's head and Justin throws a few back at him, before they start making out again.
Liberty Diner. Mike's just told Ted and Emmett about the trip to Paris. Emmett says that Mike's the luckiest boy in the world: "I love Paris." Ted reminds Emmett that he's never been to Paris. Emmett: "I'll love it when I get there." Ted asks Mike when they're going, Mike says that they're not, because he can't afford to pay his part of the trip. Emmett says that David has the money for it, but Mike won't let him pay his way. Emmett asks Mike if he's completely mad. Mike says that he and David have an arrangement: "We're only doing things that we can both afford." Ted: "Au revoir Paris, bonjour Pittsburgh." Mike says that maybe he won't be able to go to Paris, but, as Emmett snorts, "You'll have your pride?" Ted: "Just what everyone is wearing in Paris this year." Like Ted would know anything about pride. Mike says that David pays for everything, all the time. Emmett: "Where do I sign up?" Where do I even start? Mike says that it's not right. Ted replies that if David wants to do it, go ahead and let him do it. Mike says that that's what David says: "That it makes him happy." Emmett: "Then stop being so goddamn selfish...I think it's selfish to deny your lover pleasure." Ted adds, "Listen, Michael, money is my business. I've seen it destroy more relationships than sex, okay? You think you're being fair to David with this false pride of yours, but it'll only cause frustration and resentment, and frankly, you're denying yourself the opportunity to go places that you could never go. That you could never do." "False pride"? What if it makes Mike happy to pay every once in a while? Who gets their way, then? Emmett: "It's like Barbra said so eloquently in Hello Dolly -- even though she was years too young for the part -- [in his best Streisand voice, complete with temple rubs] 'Money is like manure. It doesn't do any good unless you spread it around, encouraging things to grow.' You know what I mean?" Turning to Ted, he exclaims, "Kiss me, Horace!" Ted chuckles.
St. James. Justin and Daphne stand in the hallway between classes, trying to pass out flyers for the Gay/Straight Student Alliance. No one's really interested, until Justin asks whether they want condoms. Heck, yeah, they want condoms. Daphne gushes that Brian really knows what he's talking about. Justin: "Yeah, he's brilliant." Daphne: "And hot." Oops! Here's Chris Hobbes. He grabs a handful of condoms and dribbles them on to the ground: "Hey, Taylor, are you starting some faggot club?" Sure thing. You're looking to sign up, right, Chris? Justin glares at him and tells him about the Alliance. Daphne sneers, "To promote tolerance and understanding?" Chris: "So, now butt-fucking is an extra-curricular activity?" Justin: "No. Just handjobs." Word. Chris grabs Justin by the lapels and slams him against the wall. Flashback to the handjob in the locker room earlier this season. Chris certainly looks like he's enjoying himself. Back in the present, Chris snarls, "Don't you ever mention that again, you little cocksucker." And angrily stomps down the hallway.
Brian, Lindsay, and "Gus" take a walk in the park. Lindsay admits that the marriage thing sounds a little crazy. Brian tells her that, if she needed help, she could have asked him. She says she appreciates it: "But I can't keep relying on you and [TLFKAM]. I have to take care of myself." How is it TLFKAM's helping out, exactly? Brian says that marrying Guillaume is a dumb idea. Lindsay: "If he were straight, he could meet someone, fall in love, and get married. But because he's gay, there's no way. And that's not fair." Brian smirks that she's starting to sound like the Lindsay he used to know: "The one, senior year of college, who turned into that scary political dyke?" Lindsay laughs, "Oh, her. The one who started a petition to make date rape punishable by castration? I even got you to sign." Brian: "You always were one for a worthy cause. Listen, [TLFKAM] and I have been thinking..." Lindsay's interrupts, "Did you actually say '[TLFKAM] and I'? Did you actually say that?! For years, I have struggled to get you two to be civil to each other, to sit in the same room together. Now, all of a sudden, you two are allies." Well, you know, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend" and all. Cause it's his baby, okay? His. Brian can't look her in the eye. Lindsay snaps, "Well, I don't have time to worry about what my selfish, self-centered, narcissistic friends think, I have to worry about my son, and how I'm going to raise and support him. I have to think about what's best for him. So I think you all should just fuck off! I'm sure that's a thought you can understand."
St. James. The first official meeting of the Gay/Straight Student Alliance is not a roaring success, as Daphne tells Justin, "I thought more people would come. I mean, considering all the condoms we handed out." Justin: "Yeah, well, maybe they couldn't wait to use them." Debbie walks in and congratulates Justin on the turnout. So maybe it's all relative. Justin asks what she's doing there; she says she came by to drop off "cookies and moral support." She starts passing out cookies to the kids. Debbie: "My great-aunt Fay, who was in burlesque? Said you should never go on in front of a hungry audience." Justin says that they should get started. Debbie wishes them both luck. Justin tries to get everyone's attention, to no avail. Debbie whistles loudly, and that does it, so she takes a seat at the back of the class. Daphne recites a little speech she wrote welcoming everyone, until she's interrupted by one of the kids: "Isn't this supposed to be about sex?" I guess he missed the big sign on the blackboard that says, "Gay/Straight Student Alliance," unless he thought it was an offer. Justin says that sex is part of it, "but it's also about other things. Like how we see ourselves and each other." A girl in the front of the class groans, "Fuck this. Let's go." People start to leave, then all of a sudden, Justin screams, "Faggot! Cocksucker! Homo! Fudgepacker!" He's got everybody's attention, now. He continues, " These are just some of the names that I've been called, because I'm gay. I've also been told that I'm going to hell, and that I should die of AIDS. Maybe the same things have happened to you. That is why we are here -- to see if we can learn to accept our differences and recognize our similarities. Because gay or straight, we all want the same things." Dickson slams the door open and sighs, "All right, Taylor, that's enough!" Justin says that they were just having a meeting. Dickson asks him if he got permission from the principal? Permission to use the room? An advisor? Uh, no. Debbie jumps up and says that Justin has her. Dickson asks who she is. Debbie tells him, and asks who the hell he is. When he says he's a teacher, she replies, "We'll then, you'll be happy to hear that we're having a little educational program here, so why don't you sit down? You might learn something." Dickson accusingly whips out a condom and demands, "Is this part of your curriculum?!" Debbie: "You bet your ass it is." Dickson's had enough, and orders the students to leave immediately. One of them cheerfully tells Daphne to try again. Ah, the sweet smell of progress. Dickson slams back out the door, revealing Hobbes and another friend of his, smirking on the other side of the hallway. Aw, he showed up too late for the meeting! Probably not, huh? Justin and Daphne stew, stew, and stew.
David's bedroom. Mike's in bed, reading a brochure about Paris. David walks in, and says that he's really looking forward to taking some time off. Mike hurriedly hides the brochure under his pillow. David turns off the light and rolls over to go to sleep, while Mike stays sitting up in bed. Mike asks David if he thinks Mike is selfish: "I mean, about not taking you up on your generosity by not going on this trip." David: "Michael, I already told you. All I want to do is make you happy." Mike, looking both ways down the path of least resistance before crossing to the middle: "Yeah, but what would make you happy?" David: "Seeing you see Paris for the first time. Sailing down the Seine on a Baton-mouche, having the best meal of our lives at Le Grand Revour, or Alain Ducasse. Seeing your eyes light up when you find some little toy at a flea market, that would make me happy. That would make me very happy." Mike says that he wants David to be happy. David smiles, because he wants David to be happy, too: "Are you saying you want to go?" Mike, ripping out his balls with one hand while stroking David's shoulder with another, grins, "Well, since you already made the plans...just promise me you'll let me pay for something every once in a while." What am I saying, "ripping out"? He's probably just checking to make sure they're still gone. David, because he's a condescending bastard, tells him that he'll let Mike pay for the baguettes: "So, what do you say we practice our French?" And they start making out. Aww. How icky.
Happy Fun House. Lindsay and Guillaume sift through different pictures of themselves with Gus, trying to find just the best one. Guillaume thinks they should put one of them in a frame, and picks one off the table behind the couch, which already has a picture of Brian feeding the baby in it. Okay, that's a little pushy. Guillaume says that Brian is very beautiful. Lindsay replies that lots of guys think so. Lots and lots of guys. And lots. Guillaume: "Especially his lips. Quite kissable, yes?" Lindsay, taking the frame away, "No!" Ha! Guillaume tells her not to worry; he already knows that Brian doesn't like him, nor do any of her other friends. St. L. says that it isn't him, it's what they're doing. But I think it's partly him. St. L. says that it's not their decision, though. Guillaume says that she's a wonderful person for helping him stay in the country. St. L. smiles beatifically. The doorbell rings, and Guillaume gets up to answer it. It's TLFKAM. Think she's going to tell Lindsay how she feels? Guillaume leaves them alone to go check on Gus. TLFKAM concedes that Guillaume must be okay if Gus likes him, and then asks what's up with the pictures. Lindsay tells her that it's important to create a history if they're going to try and fool the INS. TLFKAM says that she can't believe that Lindsay's going through with this "charade! And for who, someone you don't even know?" Lindsay reminds her that he's a friend, and TLFKAM replies, "I don't care who he is, it's the most meshuggeneh idea I've ever heard of. I guarantee if I'd been here..." Lindsay reminds her that she isn't. She left, remember? TLFKAM says that she wishes she were still there. Lindsay pouts that TLFKAM's just saying that because of Guillaume. TLFKAM starts giggling, "No, I'm not. I miss you every minute of every day. And if I could miss you more than that, I would." Lindsay: "You think I don't miss you?" See? TLKAM shakes her head: "Then why aren't I here? Why aren't we raising our son together? It doesn't make sense." Lindsay replies that it did at the time: "All those things you said. That I didn't give you enough affection, that I was only concerned about getting my own needs met." TLFKAM says that she was wrong: "I was jealous and resentful. I demanded way too much." Lindsay says that TLFKAM was hurt. TLFKAM: "So were you." Lindsay sighs, "Well, I guess we're only..." "Wuman?" quips TLFKAM, and the two women laugh. Guillaume appears, asking Lindsay if she wants to give "Gus" his lunch, or whether he should. Lindsay says that she'll do it, and stands up, leaving TLFKAM and Guillaume contemplating each other silently.
David's. Camcorder view. Mikey's the director, and tells everybody -- Brian, Justin, Ted, and Emmett -- to wave. Ted and Emmett wave half-heartedly. Mike tells them that they can do better than that. Emmett snorts, "Who do you think we are, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck?" Ted shakes his head, "I wish." Wah wah wah. Mike says that he's going to film so much of Paris that his friends will feel that they're right there with him and David! Brian monotones, "Oh, I can hardly wait." Justin, peering into the camera, notes that it's a very expensive model, and then asks if he can hold it. Mike comes out from behind the camera and snerks, "It not only shoots the movie, but makes the popcorn to go with it." He explains that David likes "the high-end." Ted: "That must keep you on your toes." Brian asks if Mike's wearing a new leather jacket; he is, and it's Hugo Boss. And he has new luggage, too. Emmett: "My, well, we are certainly going in style, aren't we?" Mike retorts, hitting Emmett, "You told me not to deny him any pleasure!" Ted rolls his eyes: "He must be delirious." Mike says that he offered to pay for some of this stuff, but David wouldn't let him. So, I see we've made a little progress. Backwards, I mean. Brian: "Oh, you'll pay. One way or another." Big f'in word. Brian rounds up the troops to head out. Justin gets the last word: "You want my advice? Hold out for a Rolex." I guess he wasn't paying attention when David gave Mike one for his birthday.
The 'hood. Brian, Justin, Ted, and Emmett head down Liberty Avenue to Woody's. Just as they're walking up the stairs, Justin sees Chris Hobbes and his posse walking up the street. He stops Brian and points out the other boy. Brian has to be reminded that that's the boy who hates Justin, and Brian nods, "Hmm, you didn't tell me he was so hot." So, is that a subtle hint that Brian's gaydar is going off, or is Brian drunk? Justin proclaims that Chris has no right to be there, and walks down the stairs to confront him. Justin demands to know why Chris is on Liberty Avenue. Chris: "Checking out the freaks. Like you." Justin says that Chris is the freak down there, and Chris tries to push him down, "Out of my way, faggot." Oh, but now Chris has another problem -- Brian's in his face. Chris is looking tough, but we all know Brian could kick his ass and never break a sweat. Justin gets between them, because he has a better idea. Calling to the gathering crowd of gay men, he points to Chris and says, "You see this guy? We go to school together. His name is Chris Hobbes. He just called me a faggot." And the crowd turns ugly. Justin continues, "You see, Chris doesn't like faggots." Chris mutters to him to shut up. Justin: "Or maybe he likes them more than he thinks." Chris, looks behind him at the posse, and tells Justin again to shut up, a little bit stronger this time. Justin's on a roll, though: "He let me jerk him off. The faggot gave Chris Hobbes a handjob. And he loved it." Chris is, like, turning purple, as the hoots and clapping and hollers build. As Brian moves once again to get between the two boys, Chris snarls, "You are fucked!" and stomps away. Emmett croons to Justin, "You go, baby." And kisses him on the temple. Brian nods, "Congratulations. You just made yourself a real enemy." Yup. 'Fraid so. But damned if that wasn't fun to watch, though. Justin pauses in the middle of the street for a second, basking in his triumph, before joining the rest of The Boys. Yeah, baby!
week: Lindsay's still going through with the fake marriage, and yes, even shows up in a wedding dress. Whimper. Sniff. What about meeee? What about my needs?! Guillaume tells Brian that Lindsay won't need him as much once they're married. Oh, he's a dead man. TLFKAM alternately bitches about the wedding and tries to stop it. Mike gets back from Paris, and David buys him a car, fancy clothes, and sets up a fundraising dinner to which Mike's family and friends are not invited. Brian tells Mike that he's changed, and not for the better. Mike's family and friends show up to the fundraiser anyway, and he kicks them out. But at least he's dressed very well when he does it.