Episode Report Card Camper: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Corners and Consequences
By Camper | Season 1 | Episode 16 | Aired on 04.07.2001
Guillaume walks out of the dining room, bouncing "Gus." Guillaume chirps to the baby, "Look who's here!" And then, seeing all of them, "Oh. Look who else is here." Lindsay uncomfortably reintroduces Guillaume to TLFKAM, who he greets civilly. TLFKAM doesn't greet him quite as civilly. I get the "threatened" thing and all, but why is this your business, again? Just tell her how you feel. Lindsay also introduces Brian as "Gus's" biological father, giving Brian the opening to rush over and snatch the baby from Guillaume's arms. Because it's Brian's baby. Brian's, you got that? Guillaume assures Brian that he doesn't need to worry about Gus, now that Guillaume's here. Brian drawls, "I wasn't worried about him when you weren't." Ha! Lindsay introduces Ted and Emmett. Emmett critically looks Guillaume up and down and replies, "Bonjour." Ted corrects him -- it's "bonsoir." Guillaume says, "Enchanté" to them both, anyway. Lindsay tells the gang that she and Guillaume were in the middle of dinner, so if they don't mind...Guillaume interrupts that there's enough rabbit for everybody, if they want to join in. You know, I gotta tell you, he comes across a lot better watching this the second time then he did the first. Probably because, with the possible exception of Brian (it's his baby, okay? his), no one else really has any rights here. Lindsay doesn't owe a damn one of them an explanation. Plus, Guillaume doesn't know them, and he's being a lot nicer to them than they are to him, you know? Anyway, Emmett squeals at the idea of eating a rabbit. Guillaume explains that he made a rabbit stew. Emmett's like, with a bunny rabbit?! Ted snarks, "It tastes just like chicken." Guillaume invites them to sit down and have some. Ted and Emmett pause, and TLFKAM hits Ted on the shoulder for even thinking about it. Ted says they're just going to have a little taste, and he and Emmett follow Guillaume into the dining room, giving Brian and TLFKAM and "Gus" the chance to corner Lindsay.
TLFKAM asks Lindsay what's going on: "Who's that guy and what is he doing in our house?" "Our"? Hmm. Lindsay snaps that she doesn't appreciate them barging in and interrogating her like this. TLFKAM backs off: "Who's interrogating?" Yeah, Linz, that's TLFKAM's normal tone of voice, remember? Brian adds that they're just asking what's up. Lindsay says that Guillaume teaches French at the University, and they've been friends for a couple of years. TLFKAM asks why Lindsay never mentioned him, and Lindsay says she did; TLFKAM never listened. Burn. Lindsay says that he needed help and so did she -- earning a wince from TLFKAM -- so St. L. told Guillaume that he could move in. TLFKAM asks why she didn't tell any of them (meaning her, of course), and Lindsay's like hello, "We haven't exactly been communicating lately." Which is what I'm saying. In the living room, Ted and Emmett rave about the rabbit stew, stopping only when Brian glares at them. Lindsay adds that Guillaume is a fantastic cook, and that he's wonderful with the baby: "Gus took to him immediately. And I can't tell you what a relief it is to have someone helping with the mortgage." Uh huh. And in TLFKAM's defense, I am kind of finding it hard to believe, what with all the remorse she's shown since The Incident with the Sapphic Slut, that she didn't at least offer to help out. Two lines, tops, would have been all it would have taken to establish exactly what was going on, instead of leaving us to presume that TLFKAM basically fucked Lindsay over twice. But this whooooole episode is one big dramatic implausibility, so grab a cold one and strap in. Brian asks how long Guillaume's staying. Lindsay says that it depends. TLFKAM, hopefully: "Until he gets a place of his own?" Lindsay grins tightly, "Until...we get married." Aw, hell, no! Man, I had to live through three episodes of Emmett being straight, and now this shit? TLFKAM's shocked, but Lindsay tells her to not get so excited: "It's just an arrangement. I can get some help, Guillaume can get his green card." Brian rolls his eyes, as TLFKAM just really doesn't know where to look. She could, of course, just tell Lindsay how she feels. Gush. Cry. Get her name back. But these bastards are going to put me through a gay fake marriage, aren't they? Because this is just like something Lindsay would do, right? Before asking Brian for more help. Before getting in a boarder or two to help out with the mortgage. Before any of that, Lindsay would risk imprisonment and having her son taken away for, what, maybe a couple of thousand bucks a month? Are they handing out free crack at Showtime? Guillaume walks in to tell them that the soup is in danger of getting cold, if they still want some. Lindsay sheepishly follows him back into the dining room.
Woody's. TLFKAM is on the rampage: "The way he insinuated himself!" Emmett pipes up, "Like it was his house!" Ted adds, "Like he belonged there." Like he was paying rent! TLFKAM says to Brian, "-- and you and I were just a couple of strangers!" She says she needs a cigarette badly, and grabs the pack in front of Brian. She mopes that this is all her fault, and Brian says, "Aw, Melanie the Martyr. Do you want me to set you on fire?" Quote of the night! TLFKAM tells him to just give her a light, which he does, playfully. TLFKAM fumes that if Lindsay and Guillaume go through with this, he's going to have to be around for at least a couple of years. Which reminds me: as a lawyer, why didn't TLFKAM make the possible liabilities of this farce clear? Why? Because The Powers That Be clearly want me to gouge my eyes out with the remote control at the sight of St. L. in a wedding dress. Thanks. I appreciate it. ["Plus since every show on television has done a sham marriage episode, I think most people know that they're a Bad Idea." -- Wing Chun] Ted snarks that, by that time, Gus will be smoking French cigarettes and not wearing deodorant. TLFKAM mopes, "And she'll have moved on with her life, and we'll never get back together." Emmett muses that it's too bad Lindsay doesn't know how much trouble she'd get into: "But then Lindsay probably wouldn't care. You know how she's always looking out for the welfare of others." Wouldn't hurt if you told her anyway. TLFKAM: "The Generous One. And I'm the Selfish One." Brian demands that they arm-wrestle for that title. Okay, no, he doesn't. TLFKAM continues, "Well, I wanted a fuck, and boy did I get fucked." Brian, as he checks out yet another black guy (okay, we get it: you found some, put down the hammer), "There's nothing wrong with getting your needs met." Ted snorts that of course Brian would say that: "It's your manifesto." Brian: "Well, it would be everyone's if they were honest enough to admit it." Brian tells TLFKAM, "Stop blaming yourself, it's boring. And you don't deserve it." Grrrrr.