Ouch! That's Gotta Hurt.

S01E15

The airport. Mike stares at the Flight information monitors until David taps him on the shoulder: His son, Hank, is coming off the plane with one of the stewardesses. As David rushes over, Mike takes a deep breath and mutters to himself, "Okay, here we go." Hank walks up and David lifts him over his head, which Hank is way too old for, and it shows on his face. David introduces Hank to Mike. Mike: "It's nice to finally meet you, Hank." Hank: "Wow. You're young." Bwahahahaha! Mike's eyes go wide, which is ironic, considering all the bitching he did about turning thirty. I'm surprised he didn't burst into tears and kiss Hank's feet in gratitude. David jumps in, "I've got a whole list of activities we're going to do this week. Just chock full!" Mike adds, "Pretty cool, huh?" Hank semi-enthusiastically agrees. David grabs Hank's hand, and starts babbling on about the Science Center, and a cable car or something, and a rock-climbing wall that he wants to see, and he's so excited and happy to see his son, that he doesn't even notice that Mike's left behind in a passenger deluge at the bottom of the escalator.

Back at Brian's, "Gus" has finally decided to display an emotion: Utter Misery. The baby bawls away, as Brian frantically tries to get the pacifier in his mouth. Brian even puts the pacifier in his own mouth to show how it's done. "Gus" keeps wailing. Brian groans, "It's your pacifier, you should be sucking it!" "Gus" doesn't think so. The doorbell rings, and Brian stumbles over many baby toys in order to get to the buzzer. "It's about fucking time, I ordered it over an hour ago!" he snarls. Going back to the baby, he tries again to install the pacifier, pleading, "Gus, think nipple. Think cock. Whatever gets you there." Snicker. Finally, "Gus" takes the pacifier, and all of a sudden he's fine. This is why babies scare me. It's like taking care of a tiny mute menopausal paraplegic. Not that there's anything intrinsically wrong with being any or even all of those things, but you know, we're talking lots of patience, lots of attention, and I can't even deal with my own mood swings, okay? So forgive me if I just stick to visiting auntie status for a while. I'd direct that at my mother, but she's still not allowed to read these. Brian sighs, relieved, "Your old man's not so bad at this." There's a knock on the door, and Brian snarls as he opens the door, "You'd better not have forgotten the sesame noodles this time! I ordered this an hour ago --" Gasp! It's Pop Kinney! "Hello, sonny boy." Pop cackles. In surprise, Brian mutters, "Jesus!" Pop Kinney scoffs, "Well, you couldn't be more surprised if it was." He asks to come in, and Brian stands aside to let him. Pop compliments the loft, but adds, "It looks like a dump from the outside." Hearing "Gus"gurgle, Pop asks who the baby is. Brian fumbles that he's Lindsay's. Pop remembers Lindsay: "Tallish. Blonde. You used to take her out." Pop says that "Gus" is cute, and asks, "She leaves him with you?" Brian replies, taking the baby out of the car seat, "Sometimes." Brian asks his dad why he's out: "A lady friend? Aren't you a little old for that?" Pop says that's not it. Brian pauses, and then asks if Pop needs any money. Pop snarls, "No, I didn't come here for your fucking money." Like it's completely unprecedented. Brian's like, okay, what's up? Pop says that he's got cancer. Brian freezes. Pop continues that it's spread all over, and it was originally discovered during a routine physical last summer. Brian, holding "Gus" close, apologizes. Pop says that Brian's mother, who he irritatingly refers to as "The Warden," wanted to tell Brian and his sister, but Pop decided he was going to do it. A sister? Yesssss. You were wise to hide her. If you cannot be turned to the Dark Side, perhaps she will! Wait a minute, that doesn't fit. Cough. Sorry. Brian mutters thanks. "Gus" keeps trying to push away from him and see something, anything, Christ, this kid is bored. The Chinese delivery guy shows up, and tells Brian that he didn't forget the sesame noodles this time. Brian glares at him, as "Gus" tries unsuccessfully to fit his whole fist in his mouth.