“ Now, if Daphne shows up, and no one says anything incredibly lame or does something unimaginably stupid, this might just be a perfect episode. So, you know, me and my snowball once again storm the gates of Hell. ”
Many thanks to Demian for covering the recaplet when I was out of town, and giving me permission to use the good Doctor's lovely new moniker. Demian, you rock, you roll. If you ever need a favor, it shall be done.
David's. The gang's all there: Brian, Justin, Debbie, Ted, Emmett, TLFKAM, Lindsay, and Gus. That's Gus, not "Gus." Woo hoo! Now, if Daphne shows up, and no one says anything incredibly lame or does something unimaginably stupid, this might just be a perfect episode. So, you know, me and my snowball once again storm the gates of Hell. Anyway, they're all gathered together to watch slides of Mike's and David's trip to Paris. Mike narrates in the snootiest voice known to mankind. On and on about the Seine, and the Arc de Triomphe, the Sacré-Coeur, and on and on. Ted's asleep. Emmett's about to join him. Brian and Justin are making out. TLFKAM and Lindsay are trying not to look at each other and failing miserably. Debbie, of course, is the only one paying attention. As a matter of fact, she reprimands Brian and Justin for distracting her. Mike snaps at her not to interrupt, and she says that she hates it when couples make out at the movies. Ha. Ha. Ha. Brian protests that it's French: "We're frenching." My snowball starts whimpering pitifully. Mike finally finishes with a slide of himself and Dr. Demon (tm Demian, and I'm still beating myself for not thinking that one up. Needless to say, I'm going to run that puppy into the ground) in front of the Arc de Triomphe, David hugging Mike from behind in a fair imitation of the Heimlich maneuver. The last slide is of the word "fin," which, as Mike informs everyone, means, "The End." Emmett sighs, "Bon. That means 'good.'" Snicker. David rubs Ted on the head, waking him up, and says that he hopes the slides weren't too bad. Ted replies, "No, I haven't been that entertained since Gandhi." Debbie gushes that it looked like "the trip of a lifetime." Brian mutters that it only seemed that long. Mike sighs, "The thing you need to know about Paris is not dining at Louis-Carton or shopping at the Rue de Suplice. It's the little things, like sharing a baguette while strolling sur la Seine." Debbie asks what that is, and Mike snaps that it's the Seine. Oh, yeah, someone needs to get bitch-slapped. Justin explains, sweetly, that the Seine is a river. Debbie sweetly thanks him for the explanation. Mike rolls his eyes at them both. Demon's holding Gus. Lindsay doesn't realize he's evil, I guess. But she's not that bright. Mike asks whether anyone would like some vin rouge. Grrr. Ted: "Lucy, you wouldn't know the difference between vin rouge and Listerine." Grrr. Emmett says that the only thing he wants to know is whether they met Catherine Deneuve, because that's likely. Mike sighs that, no, they did not, but they did hang out with a lovely couple -- Brian asks, "Let me guess: Louis and Marie." Close: Jean-Pierre and Yvette. Who cares? Nobody cares. No one. This is why I never tortured anyone with my pictures from Italy, because no one cares about your trip, unless they've actually been there. And even then they don't care. Eyes glaze over when I even start talking about Italy, and I have some damn good stories, too. No. One. Cares. I was going to mention my trip to California, but you don't care, so I'll just sum up: it was warm, I rented a Jeep, I bought entirely too many tight shirts and strappy sandals. Thank you for listening. Back to our story. So, Mike drawls that Yvette and Jean-Pierre had, "the most fabulous Maison in the 16th." Gag. That's 16th Arrondiseement, by the way. And I only know this because I read too much Judith Krantz as a post-adolescent. Mike only knows because David told him what it was. I win, because at least I had to read to find out. God. And my snowball's all melted. Sniff! Emmett looks like he's about to hand Michael a ladder so he can get over himself. Mike tells them all to try the brie. Debbie gags, "It tastes like cum!" Well. Brie used to be one of my favorite cheeses. Thanks. Ever. So.
TLFKAM sidles up to Lindsay and starts to play with Gus, who's just the happiest baby. TLFKAM notes that he's getting really big, and St. L. replies, "Well, it's all that delicious French baby food Guillaume makes him." TLFKAM's face falls: "So, this arrangement's working out for you." Everyone else is silent, because they're eavesdropping. Brian's Lesbians don't notice. St. L. says that it's working out better than she thought. TLFKAM steps up to the plate, and gently says, "Look, honey, even if you don't want to listen to me as someone who cares about you, I wish you'd at least take my legal advice." Lindsay tells her that she and Guillaume are getting married in a week. I swear to God, if TLFKAM stops this wedding, she gets her names back. I won't even mention the Sapphic Slut again. Okay, I might mention the Sapphic Slut again, but TLFKAM will definitely get her name back. I get the remorse, I get that she realizes what she did merely fucked herself and the two people she loves most over, I'm getting all that. Just don't put me through a fake gay wedding. Brian sneers, "What did he do, knock you up?" Noooooo! Lindsay explains that Guillaume got his deportation papers the day before. I swear to God, I'll use her full name for a whole recap, just please, please, stop this wedding. Brian scowls. Gus tries to capture Lindsay's nose with his wittle hand. Oh! So cute!
Outside, as she, Brian, and T&E are leaving, TLFKAM rages, "I am freaking out!" Brian: "Why, because she didn't ask you to be Maid of Honor?" Would someone please pull the Showtime intern off Gale Harold's lines? Thank you. Ted and Emmett say that it's not like they're really getting married, plus it won't be permanent. TLFKAM grumps, "What if he never leaves? What if he becomes a permanent fixture?" Brian: "What if my aunt had balls? She'd be my uncle." What if you stopped taking drugs? Then I wouldn't have to tell you to shut up so often. TLFKAM says that it's all her fault, and that now it's too late to stop it. Yeah, well you better figure out how, missy.
Back inside the house, Mike watches Demon clean up and shakes his head, "Can't we leave that for Magdalena? That is why we pay her." What do you mean "we", pale face? Demon sighs, "Well, you know me; I can't sleep until everything's put away." Mike: "You're so anal." Demon: "Lucky for you." Gack. And speaking of "put away," Mike's toys are gone. Isn't it nice when the brainwashing finally takes? I think we shall call Mike Mini-Demon, because I'm just feeling clever as all hell tonight. Mini-Demon grabs his creator and smooches him. Demon flinches because all the crap in his hand might fall and damage his pristine rugs. He asks what the kiss was for. Mini-Demon replies, "Oh, Camper's blood pressure's a little too low," but it comes out as, "I don't believe I ever thanked you properly for showing me the best time of my life." Demon grins, "Well, I don't believe I ever thanked you either, for letting me show you." Then he snorts, "Can you believe Ted snoring?" Mini-Demon: "I thought he was building a log cabin. Those guys have no idea that there is a world outside of Liberty Avenue." Yeah, too bad they don't each have Sugar Daddies to show them, huh? Whatever. Demon, just so his creation doesn't get too uppity, points out that Mini-D didn't have any idea, either, until last week. Then he comments on how good the cabernet is, only he calls it "the cab," because he's a pretentious fuck. Demon says that they should order a case of it for Senator Baxter's party. Mini-D wonders whether he should have invited Debbie, Brian, etc. to the fundraiser. Demon, slightly panicky, replies that he thought that Mini-D didn't want to. Mini-D, slightly panicky, replies that he thought Dr. Demon didn't want him to. Demon reminds his shorter, dumber doppelganger that he was told that he could invite whomever he wanted, "as long as Brian behaved himself." Mini-D stammers that politics isn't really their "thing." Demon points out that Senator Baxter is very supportive of gay rights, "which should be everybody's thing." Mini-D: "I just don't know if they'd be comfortable around our other friends, and a state Senator." "Our" other friends. Riiight. Demon tells Mini-D that he made the right decision, and kisses him as a reward. All Mini-D's idea, you see. Uh huh. Mini-D looks a little worried anyway. Maybe 'cause he forgot to kiss Demon's feet before he walked out of the room.
“ Ted mopes that ever since Mini-D started hanging out with Demon, he has this 'new life.' Yes. Which you encouraged him to pursue. ”
St. James. Justin and Daphne (yay! Daphne!) walk into school, as Daphne gripes that every club gets to meet at school except theirs. And it's not fair! Justin shrugs, "Welcome to the world, Daphne. Nobody cares about a Gay/Straight Alliance." The members of the Gay Man/Straight Girl World Coalition beg to differ, thank you very much. Daphne says that people showed up; Justin points out that it was, like, eight people, and that they only came because he and Daphne handed out condoms. Justin and Daphne round the corner right inside the building, and lo and behold, someone has set Justin's locker on fire and scrawled, "Fags die" on it in blood red. Someone off-screen helpfully yells, "Stupid faggot. You like that, fag? Stick that in your ass, faggot." I hate people. Justin tries to open the locker, but burns his hand. The same off-screen guy again snarls, "You deserve it. Burn, fag." Oh, someone is sooo getting their butt handed to them for this.
Meanwhile, Brian, Emmett, and Ted stroll down an unnamed Pittsburgh arrondissement. Emmett and Ted are making fun of Mini-D's airs the night before. Ted: "Sur la Seine. I nearly choked on my pâté." Brian defends his best friend: "He's just dazzled. Give him a couple of days at Le Grand Q-Mart. He'll come back down to earth." Ted mopes that ever since Mini-D started hanging out with Demon, he has this "new life." Yes. Which you encouraged him to pursue. Emmett pouts that even though they lived together for two years, he hardly ever sees his old roomie anymore. Let's take a trip in the way-back machine a couple of eps. Direct quote from Emmett: "It is every gay boy's dream to be a kept woman." So quit your complaining. Ted adds that they have to beg Mini-D to come out to the bars, and Brian frowns, "and he won't fucking return my calls."
Emmett stops them both in the street and gasps, "Oh. My. God." Directly in front of them is a gold Miata. Ted wonders who would drive a gold Miata. Brian wonders who would drive a gold Miata with the top down. Emmett wonders who would drive a gold Miata with the top down in the middle of winter. The idiot in question steps out of a dry cleaner's across the street and walks up to the car. It's Mini-D. He asks them how they like the car. Demon bought it for him. Mini-D shows them the license plate, which reads, "CP ASTRO." Brian, cautiously: "That's cute." Sort of like, "President Bush." But neither is cute, really, unless you get warm fuzzies from the upending of the universe as we know it. Mini-D babbles, "What do you think of the color? I was worried that the gold might be a tad showy." Ted: "No, you wouldn't want that." Jealous, much? Remember, you told Mini-D not to let money get between him and Dr. Demon. I think Mini-D's about as close to Demon's money as he can get. Brian frowns, and tells Mini-D that he called him that morning, but that Mini-D didn't call him back. Mini-D picks a ticket off the Miata and replies that he's been really busy. Emmett asks whether he wants to go to the gym with them, but Mini-D can't because he's meeting David at "their" sports club. Brian, who looks like he's had just about enough of this shit, invites Mini-D to go with them to Woody's. Mini-D: "Sorry, no can do. We have reservations at Pappagano with Bobo and Melisande." Emmett snickers that with names like that, they sound like a couple of drag queens. Mini-D, in his best Demon-like, condescending throat-clearing voice, informs them that Bobo is "their" broker. Brian's done. Mini-D's cell phone rings, and he answers it with a cheerful, "Hi, honey!" Arrrrgggghhh! Okay. Demon's gone at the end of the season, right? I only have what, four episodes left off this crap, right?! I can survive four more episodes. Of course, I might have to go into rehab afterwards, but maybe I can get a book deal out of it. Or meet Matthew Perry. There's a bright side to everything. No, wait. I have a boyfriend. Meeting Matthew Perry won't do me any good. Dammit! I hate Dr. Demon! Mini-D tells them that it's David, just in case they didn't notice the smoke and sulfur smell rising up out of the phone. Mini-D tells his master that he picked up his suits, and he just needs to stop by the caterer on his way home. Emmett asks if they're having a party. Mini-D stammers that it's just a couple of "David's" friends. See, they're Demon's friends now that Mini-D's about to screw The Boys over. Mini-D hurriedly scrambles into the Miata and says his goodbyes.