Episode Report Card Camper: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ouch! That's Gotta Hurt.
By Camper | Season 1 | Episode 15 | Aired on 03.31.2001
Brian's Loft. TLFKAM is there, holding "Gus," as Justin apologizes profusely. Brian's all, what the hell? Melanie stalks up to him, grabs his arm, and snaps, "He was going to give the baby hot milk. He didn't test it on his arm." Justin says that he had no idea -- and, debate on the boards notwithstanding, even if Justin did babysit his little sister, he still might not have known this. For one, although Justin is about ten years or so older than Molly, who's going to let a ten-year-old babysit an infant? And do you really think Jennifer Taylor would have let little Justin heat up Molly's milk? I don't think so. Plus, it is dangerous; the last thing you want is a baby with a scalded mouth. Really, the point is, Justin's babysitting skills notwithstanding, Brian's priorities are completely screwed up. Camper out. TLFKAM continues, "I'm glad I walked in when I did. Gus could have been scalded." Justin repeats that he's really sorry; Brian wants to know what the hell she's doing there. TLFKAM says that she got back early, and got a message from Lindsay about "Gus" being at Brian's, so she came by to check on him. Very sweet, but she more or less forfeited her privileges when she romped with the Sapphic Slut, didn't she? Whatever. She adds that it's a good thing she did -- because Justin doesn't feel bad enough -- and snaps, "Pawning him off on anyone so you can go to a fucking Leather Ball?" Way screwed up. Brian points out that Justin isn't just "anyone," and while that's true, dude, two days without anonymous sex so you can spend time with your son isn't hackable? Justin cries out that he loves "Gus." TLFKAM caresses him on the cheek and says she knows, and this isn't about him. She hands "Gus" to Justin and faces off against Brian: "This is about you, and what an irresponsible shit you are." Good point, but habit forces to me also to point out that TLFKAM wasn't exactly the model of baby-preservation behavior when she fucked the Sapphic Slut and basically left Lindsay high and dry with a mortgage, a baby, and extended maternity leave. That's dangerous to the baby's welfare, too. But we're not talking about what a shit TLFKAM is; we're talking about Brian. Sorry. Force of habit. Brian says that he only went out for a couple of hours. TLFKAM yells, "Yeah, well, the thing about parenthood is, you don't anonymous sex breaks twice a day." But you do get to have meaningless affairs and abandon the child you keep referring to as yours, if you feel like it. Grr. Okay. To her credit, TLFKAM is not the only one who'll be bringing the hypocrisy this ep (ease those shoulders down there, GuitarGal). St. L. will be home soon -- she of the See No-Check-From-Brian, Hear No-Check-From-Brian School of Motherhood. TLFKAM demands that Brian give her his car keys so she can get the car seat out of his Jeep, she's taking "Gus" home. "Gus" could seriously not care less, and I gotta tell you, this blasé attitude he's sporting is really starting to grow on me. Brian snorts, "No you're not. This is his home. At least for this weekend." TLFKAM snaps, "Your privileges have been revoked!" I'm sorry, his privileges have been revoked? Brian yells, "Don't fucking tell me what my privileges are! I'm his father. Who are you?" That was fairly harsh, but really, hello. TLFKAM kisses "Gus" on the forehead and says, "I may be no one, but at least I know that his needs come before mine. Which is more than can be said about you." Debatable. See: Sapphic Slut Incident and Aftermath. I'm not saying that she doesn't love the baby, because it's obvious she does. I merely suggest she trade in that high horse for a Shetland pony, ya know?
The next day, David, Hank, and Michael play hockey at an outdoor rink. Well, David and Hank are playing. Michael's watching them from a bench on the sidelines. David makes a goal off of Hank -- who doesn't even look like he was trying too hard, anyway -- and skates over to Michael. David gushes (and you kind of have to admire how much he digs his kid) that Hank scored the winning goal in a championship match last year. David asks Mike why he's on the sidelines. Mike can't skate. Mike told him he couldn't skate. But that didn't fit into The Perfect World Plan, so David ignored it. David says he'll help Mike. This has disaster written all over it. Hank skates over to them as David struggles to keep Mike upright on the ice. Mike snaps, "If God wanted me to be on ice, he would have made me a Vodka martini. I could use a drink about now. What is this, 'fags on ice'?" David laughs, "No, that's the Olympic Figure Skating Team." Hee. He finally gets Michael standing okay, when his cell phone rings. He asks Hank to help Michael and takes the call. While Michael and Hank desperately lean on each other, David skates leisurely circles around them while talking on the phone. Ha! Anyway, it's his office; one of the Pittsburgh Penguins threw his back out, and they need Dr. Dave to realign it. He apologizes to Hank for having to go. Hank manages to hold back tears of relief. Mike, on the other hand, is not so relieved; what the heck is he going to do with Hank for the rest of the day? David says that he won't be long. Mike panics that he and Hank don't know each other very well. David sternly replies that they'll get to, won't they? Besides which, Resistance Is Futile. Mike says that David doesn't understand. David's more or less done with this conversation, but humors Mike -- what doesn't he understand? Mike says that Hank was looking forward to spending time with his dad, not his dad's boy toy! David repeats that he won't be gone for long, and that as long as Mike sticks to the Bataan Death March...er, "itinerary," they should both have a good time and everything will be fine. For some reason, this doesn't instill Michael with a sense of confidence. Can't see why. After David leaves, Mike looks back at Hank, who just glides away from him without a word.