Helen Shaver's co-hosting tonight. Gay creds: a movie called Desert Hearts, in which she played a lesbian in 1950s Nevada. I also found out that Michelle Clunie and Thea Gill used that movie as inspiration for their relationship as Melanie and Lindsay, so that's pretty cool that they have her on. I always confuse her with Helen Slater, who played Supergirl, and is also Christian Slater's sister. Thanks for listening. Oh, and the warning is back at the beginning. That's because lots of people are going to be fully-frontal nekkid. I'm just warning you.
Brian walks into his office, followed by Cynthia, his assistant. He tells her to book him in the best resort in the Bahamas. He doesn't specify which island, and aren't there, like, a thousand of them, or something? Cynthia grins, "What, is South Beach over?" Snicker. I was just there a few months ago, and uh, definitely not. Brian says that Liberty -- which I assume is a client -- is sending him to the Bahamas for a marketing retreat. Cynthia nods, "Oh, so this is all work and no play?" Brian raises a perfectly arched eyebrow; remember who you're talking to, girly. Cynthia rolls her eyes, and sighs that she'll crack open the Spartacus guide and see what she can find. Grand Poobah Ryder walks in and informs Brian that someone else is going on the rereat. And furthermore, he needs Brian to go home. Cynthia beats a hasty retreat, and the Poobah closes the door after her. Ryder assures Brian that it's just until the harassment suit blows over; Brian pouts, "Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?" Ryder points out that Liberty Air is fairly conservative: "What would happen if they found out that their account executive was involved in a gay sex scandal?" Brian snorts, "You mean, they wouldn't mind a straight one?" Word. Ryder ignores him and continues by saying that he spoke with the legal department: "You're going to be seeing a rep from Human Resources; there's going to be an outside investigation, followed by a tribunal with an impartial mediator." Man. Does he get fries with all that? Brian asks when the hanging is. Ryder advises him to get a good lawyer, and then solemnly walks out. Cynthia is about to walk back in, but then sees Brian turned to the wall, and thinks better of it.
Liberty Diner. Mike shakes his head, "I told you not to fuck him." No, he wasn't even around when Brian fucked him, but whatever. Brian answers, apropos of nothing, "Do you ever notice that when your Mom's not serving us, the portions shrink by approximately one third?" He calls to the waiter, "I said 'fries'? Plural?" Wow, he doesn't even get fries when he gets fries. Tough week. Ted says that it's akin to his boss having sex with him; Mike snorts that Ted's boss "is, like, seventy-two." Brian grimaces that he's trying to eat, here. Ted admonishes, "You don't prey on the help." Brian tells him that Kip went after him, which sounds like the oldest cliché in the world, even though it's totally true -- which is kind of ironic, if you think about it. Ted just rolls his eyes. Mike tells Brian that he'll feel better after he works out. Why is that, exactly? Mike and Brian get up to leave, and Mike asks Ted if he's coming. Ted says it's just not the same without his "gym buddy," Emmett. Brian sighs that he and Mike will be his gym buddies, but Ted shakes his head: "Emmett would let me get away with murder. You guys will make me sweat." Mike confirms that they'll see him at Woody's later, though, right? Ted shakes his head: "Woody's isn't the same without my beer buddy there, pointing out all the cute guys and spilling drinks all over me." See, now he's making me sad. I miss Emmett, too. Brian grins, "We'll spill drinks all over you." Ha! Mike reminds Ted that Emmett can't commit to a damn thing. Brian adds that Emmett will get over this straight phase, too. Brian's going to be nice to pretty much everyone this episode, so hang on. As Mike and Brian leave, Brian calls back to Ted, "Thanks for lunch." Okay, maybe not that nice -- by the look on Ted's face, he wasn't aware he was buying.
See the Light. Two stereotypes...uh, I'm sorry, "members," stand and tell their story: Jim was over at Marsha's house to watch the game. She's been trying to teach him football. "She is. Can you stand it? But I'm hopeless," Jim sighs. Marsha laughs that she was trying to explain point spreads -- "yet again" -- when all of a sudden they started kissing. "With tongues and everything!" Jim crows, adding, "Can you stand it?" Actually, no -- you're giving me the creeps. Emmett looks a little queasy, himself. The group cheers for Jim and Marsha -- even more so when they announce that they're engaged. Jim keeps saying, "Can you stand it? Can you stand it?" Which makes me think, dude, can you? Ty stands and lisps, "You see the power of the work we're doing here? Don't let anyone tell you that it isn't possible -- that you can't heal!" He adds that he wants to hear success stories from each and every one of them, and leads them in the group cheer: "You can do it! You can do it! You can do it!"
Outside, Emmett is bundling up when Heather, the woman who sat to him at the meeting, approaches him. All chipper and gung ho, she says that it's all really inspiring: "It gives us hope that we can all change our lives." Emmett -- game, but not nearly as chipper -- says that he hopes they can all have success stories of their own, adding, "God, I wish I was one." Heather agrees, and introduces herself. Emmett does the same and they shake hands. Girl's got quite a grip on her. She apologizes, "Sorry, I'm working on that." Great. So, someday you'll not only be straight, but a wuss. ["People with weak handshakes give me the willies." -- Wing Chun] They walk a ways, and Heather asks Emmett how long he's been around See the Light. She's been with the group six months, and tells him not to despair -- it's a long road. Heather's story is a simple one: she says she first lost sight of the light in college, when she fell in love with one of her sorority sisters. Heather taught said sister how play golf at her parents' country club: "Then one night, it happened. We made love on the 18th Green. Oh, God, I still remember that hole!" Uh huh. Heather tells Emmett that the girl eventually got engaged to a golf pro and moved to North Carolina, lost to Heather forever: "When she left, I thought I would die." So, Heather slept around. A lot. With every woman she could get her hands on. "And I started to wonder," Heather says, "how I ended up in such darkness." It's called getting your heart broken. Happens to us all. You don't see me trying to condition myself to be a lesbian, do you? No. Why is that? Because I'm straight. See how simple that is? God. Anyway, Heather asks him how he got to the group, and Emmett tells her he made a promise to God. Heather thinks that's really cool: "I think he really hears us sometimes, you know?" Emmett gives her a wan smile. Then Heather asks him out. Emmett stammers, "You mean, like, on a date?" That's exactly what she means. If he wants to be a success story, then they should just go for it! Punching Emmett on the shoulder, she says that she'll pick him up at eight. And probably hold the car door open for him and everything. Emmett says that's great, but --hitting Heather back on the shoulder -- he asks, "Aren't I supposed to pick you up?" Heather's like, damn, I forgot!
Dave's. Mike's reading comic books in bed when David walks into the bedroom wearing nothing but an apron. He's carrying a wok in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other, and grins, "I whipped you up a little snack." Mike snorts, good-naturedly, "A little snack is a handful of Cap'n Crunch." David says he was all out of Captain Crunch, so he threw some penne and sun-dried tomatoes together, instead. I think a little Cap'n Crunch would do Dr. Uptight a little good, don't you? Although the white wine cream sauce does sound good. Mike burns his tongue on it. David leans in to cool it off for him. Mike's cell rings, and David groans, "That better not be who I think it is." So, Mike can't even talk to Brian now? Anyway, it's Ted. Ted asks whether he's disturbing them, and Mike shrugs it off, while slowly undoing David's apron strings. Which come to think of it, is about as subtle a metaphor as we've seen to date. Ted says he's watching a porno (will wonders never cease, huh?) and that it's pretty bad: "These two guys are fucking, and eating pasta at the same time, like anyone would do that, right?" Sigh. Ted continues that Brian just called him, and Ted thinks Brian's "freaking out." Mike asks what Ted means. Ted elaborates that Brian asked Ted, as an accountant, how long he could go without a job. Ted told Brian that, the way he spends, about two months. And then he thanked Ted -- wait for it -- "for being such a wonderful and compassionate friend." Mike gasps, "Oh my God, he is freaking out!" Mike says that he'll call Ted later. Ted goes back to the porno, getting a few Kleenex in anticipation. Mike tells David that he has to call Brian, but David takes the phone out of his hand. Mike tries to explain that Brian's in trouble, and David, "We're not going to have a relationship like [The Lesbian Formerly Known As Melanie] and Lindsay." Oh, shut up! Mike tries to play it off, saying that of course they aren't, because they're not lesbians. David explains what he meant: "There's only room in this house -- our house, our bed, our life -- for you and me. Not you and me and Brian." What an ass. Does this mean you're going to give up your snotty friends, too? Not likely. Mike mumbles that he understands. David makes Mike promise that he won't get involved in Brian's problems: "He's made his bed. He can get sued in it." Mike just pouts on the bed.
Speaking of people off my Christmas list, Brian and TLFKAM are having lunch. TLFKAM snorts, "Let me get this straight: you fuck up my life, you destroy my relationship, and now you have the breathtaking gall to ask me to represent you?" Just as long as we're all taking responsibility for our own actions, here. Clarification: Lindsay let Brian have his way; you fucked around on her. Took two to tango out of that gig, baby, and neither was Brian. Brian shrugs and says, yeah, that's totally what he expects: "And I'll pay, too." TLFKAM tells him to keep his money, because he's going to need it. Okay, if she's not planning to listen to him, then why is she having lunch with him? And, good grief, how did he convince her to have lunch with him in the first place? Brian -- knowing just where all the soft spots are -- drawls, "Fine. Homophobic Corporate America wins again." TLFKAM snaps, "Oh, please! You could hang a sign on your door that says, 'Blow Jobs -- Ten Cents,' and you'd still have it better than any woman or person of color because you're a white man. Which still counts for something in this country." Brian looks skeptical. He shouldn't. TLFKAM asks Brian for his version of the story. Brian shrugs, "He wanted it. I gave it him." TLFKAM chuckles, "Just how I wanted it: short but sweet." Brian frowns, "It wasn't that short." Get over yourself, there, cupcake. TLFKAM asks where it happened; Brian tells her they went at it once in his office, and again in his loft. TLFKAM nods, "So, he couldn't have minded too much if he came back for more." Brian tells her that Kip asked for Brian's help in getting a promotion, and Brian told Kip that he wasn't ready for the position. TLFKAM asks how Kip took it, and Brian raises an eyebrow: "How do you think? He felt, because we're both gay, and we'd fucked, that somehow he was entitled to a free ride. I didn't agree." TLFKAM asks Brian how many tricks he has a month; Brian says that it's somewhere between twenty and thirty, which means, dude, he's not even taking the Sabbath off most of the time. TLFKAM shakes her head: "Jesus, what a life." Brian hotly asks what that has to do with anything, anyway, and TLFKAM replies, "Well, for once the fact that you screw anything that moves is your finest quality and your best defense. You didn't have to abuse your position at work in order to get laid." Brian grins, "The Fuck Defense?" The Mad Lawyering Skillz emerge at last. TLFKAM nods, "We've got to prove that when this kid didn't get what he wanted, he decided to get even." Brian knows that he's got her, but asks whether she'll take the case. TLFKAM thinks about it, and smiles, "Look, not that I give a shit about saving your ass, but it might be amusing to have you indebted to me for the rest of your life."
Debbie's. Debbie's folding laundry as "The Hustle" starts to play on the radio. She unfolds a shirt (the one with the drawing of a rooster with the word "cock" printed underneath), and whispers in time to the music, "Do it." Vic busts up. They both start bumping along to the music. Justin stares at them in disbelief from the couch, where he's doing his homework. Debbie and Vic are having, like, the best time. I thought it would be cool if they did the actual Hustle, but they're having fun, so who cares? Justin -- trying not to grin at them dancing around the kitchen -- sighs, "Do you mind?" Vic tsks tsks, "What's the matter, princess?" Big shout-out to me! Mike walks in, and his mother greets him enthusiastically, while still two-stepping around the kitchen. Mike's like, ohhhkay. His mother and uncle start bumping him, and now Mike's scared. "What are they doing?" he asks Justin. Justin shrugs, "Reliving their youth?" Mike gives it up, and starts dancing with them. Justin shakes his head: "You people are sooo weird!" Mike tells him if he doesn't like it, he should just go up to his room: "Oh, I'm sorry, my room!" Debbie tells her son to let it go, and Vic adds, chucking him under the chin, "Yeah, Mikey. You're a doctor's wife, now." Ugh, don't remind me. Debbie laughs, "And to think I used to worry that you'd spend the rest of your life following after -- what's his name?" Mike tells her to leave Brian out of this; he's got enough problems as it is. Justin's little Vulcan ears perk up, and he asks what's up. Mike explains. Debbie shakes her head, "I knew someday he'd stick his dick where it didn't belong." Justin says they have to do something, and Debbie sighs that there really isn't anything they can do. Obviously, she's forgotten who's she's talking to. Vic quips, "Brian's fucked the last person he should have -- himself." Debbie tells Mike that she's sorry. Justin adds, "You're his best friend. You should do something. I would do something, if I could." Mike, frustrated, tells him to mind his own business, and then picks up the phone. He calls David and tells him that his mom is sick, and that he wants to stick around the house and look after her.
Brian's office. Brian's packing up some stuff when there's a knock at the door. He looks up and snarls, "Fuck you." It's Kip. Kip rambles, "Look, I just want you to know that I'm really sorry about all this...I had no choice. If I didn't do what you wanted, you would have fired me." What the hell is he talking about? Is he wearing a wire or something? Brian snaps back, "No, you just tried to get ahead by giving head. Which, by the way, you're not very good at." Weaselly little creep. Kip snorts, "We obviously remember things quite differently." And Brian yells back, "Yeah! I remember what happened!" Kip tells Brian that he's willing to drop the whole thing if Brian apologizes and reconsiders him for that position. Well, let's see: someone else got that job, and I don't think it was even Brian's final call to make, so it looks like you're SOL, pal, especially now that Tracy's gone. Brian basically tells Kip to go fuck himself. Kip asks him not to stand so close, and Brian replies, "Why, do you think something might happen?" Grabbing Kip and shoving him roughly against the desk, he screams, "Like I might use my position of power to take advantage of your tight little asshole?!" Kip cries out in shock. Brian plops down on his desk, but when Kip just tries to get up, Brian pulls him back and snarls into his ear, "Get. Out. Of my office." Kip -- the fear of God properly set within him -- ambles out.
Later that night, Ted and TLFKAM have just finished seeing a movie. As they walk out of the theater, TLFKAM's crying and wiping her eyes with a tissue, and Ted sighs, "You know, I never realized, until seeing it with you, that A Night at the Opera was such a tragic movie." TLFKAM apologizes; it's just that last Halloween, she and Lindsay dressed up as Groucho and Harpo. TLFKAM sniffles, "Oh, God, no offense, but I just wish she was here." Too bad you couldn't keep your hands off the Sapphic Slut, huh? Ted -- never one to miss an opportunity to put himself down -- nods, "I understand. Most of my dates wish they were with someone else." TLFKAM tells him that he's a catch, giving Ted yet another opening: "Just my luck that lesbians find me irresistible." TLFKAM laughs through her tears and gives him a big hug. Very sweet. You're still not getting your name back, so don't even think about it. Over TLFKAM's shoulder, Ted sees Emmett, arm in arm with Heather. Emmett looks like someone killed his dog, and he hasn't even seen Ted yet. Ted swears, and TLFKAM laughs, "What, I got you all excited?" Ted whips her around so that she can see the happy pair. TLFKAM gasps, "I don't believe it!" Emmett looks genuinely pleased to see Ted, but once he recognizes TLFKAM, he starts to shift uncomfortably, shooting glances between her and Heather. He introduces Heather as his date. TLFKAM laughs, but Ted tells her that Emmett's serious. Heather says that she and Emmett are going for pizza, and asks the other two, "Do you wanna double?" TLFKAM's like, 'double'?! Emmett tells Heather that Ted and TLFKAM aren't really a couple. Ted clarifies, "I'm a homo." And TLFKAM adds, "And I'm a lesbo!" Heather replies, "Oh. I thought, from the hug, that you were normal." Yeah, that'll endear you to them. TLFKAM snaps, "We are." And then, to Emmett: "What the hell has gotten into you?!" Trust TLFKAM to get straight to the point, no matter what. Ted sing-songs, "He's seen the light." TLFKAM snarls, "Where are they shining it, up your ass?!" Couldn't have said it better myself. Emmett pouts. Heather jumps in, "See the Light is helping us lead healthy heterosexual lives." TLFKAM snorts, "Yeah, well, while you're at it, why don't you ask the Wizard for a brain." Ha! Emmett snaps that he's glad TLFKAM finds them so amusing. TLFKAM replies, "Who's amused? I'm outraged." Emmett tells Heather to ignore TLFKAM; she just doesn't understand. Oh, but TLFKAM's got it down, all right: "I understand you assholes are setting back the Gay Rights Movement about fifty years!" And that's not even the least of it. Heather tugs at Emmett's arm and says they should go: "I don't think I care for your friends." Emmett sadly follows her. Ted calls after him, asking whether they're ever going to see each other again. Emmett hands Ted a pamphlet and tells him he can always come to a meeting.
Brian's. Brian opens the door, and there's Mikey, with all the junk food he can carry: Pizza, KFC, brown paper bags filled with god only knows what. Brian's awed: "Do you know what we'd turn into if we ate all that?" Mike answers, "A couple of fat, flabby fags that no one would want to fuck, ever?" Brian thinks, and replies, "Huh. Let's dig in." Exactly.
Later, they're sitting on the floor, finishing up the feast, when Brian asks, "Do you know what I remember most about high school?" Mike laughs, "The time in Biology class when you beat off into a test tube for your science project?" I wonder what his theory was? Brian replies that he remembers all the food -- that there was always food at Mike's house. Mike nods, taking a swig out of a big bottle of Jack Daniels: "That's an Italian thing. And there was always plenty of booze at your house." All together now, with Brian: "That's an Irish thing." Mike picks up Brian's clipboard and reads: "Reality Checklist." "Clothes" is at the top of the list. Mike says that Brian can certainly save money on that. is "Cosmetics." Brian muses, "Yeah, the French anti-aging shit costs a hundred dollars a tube, and it doesn't work. I still don't look nineteen." Give it up. You never will. Mike continues down to "going out." Brian says that he can go out five days a week as opposed to six. Mike commends him on his sacrifice. Mike's shocked at the item, which is "Loft." Brian rolls over onto his tummy and throws a pizza crust back into the box, grumping, "What do I need all this space for anyway?" Mike says that the loft is still Brian's home, and that he can really be very sweet sometimes. He crawls over to Brian and gives him a hug. Brian tells him that if it does come to that, he'll "just get a rich sugar daddy like the Doc." Mike says that David's not his sugar daddy -- although not for lack of David's trying, I might add -- and that, the way things are going, David may not even be his boyfriend for long. Baby, from your lips to God's ears. At any rate, David doesn't know Mike's at Brian's. Brian drawls, "What, does he think I'm going to steal you away from him?" Well. Yeah. Mike changes the subject by offering Brian the last chicken leg, "because [Brian's] the chicken hawk." God, that sounds good. I gotta start doing these recaps when restaurants are still open. Brian sulks down into the rug and tells Michael that he didn't do it, and that Michael should know that. Michael tells Brian that he doesn't have to explain, and then, holding Brian close, says that what he remembers most about high school is the band that he and Brian started: "You were going to be the Robert Smith." Of The Cure? I can almost see that. Although Brian doesn't really strike me as the long black trench-coat, spiky hair type. Almost, but not quite. Brian says that dream died a quick death, but Mike protests that they were pretty good. Laughing, he asks Brian, "Do you still have that guitar?"
Debbie's. David walks up to the door with a big Tupperware bowl of soup. Might want to tighten that leash up a bit; I think Mike can still breathe. Debbie and Vic are talking. Debbie greets David cheerfully, and asks him where Mike is. David tells her that Michael's there...isn't he? David explains that Mike told him that Debbie was sick, and that he was spending the night in order to take care of her. Debbie doesn't quite know what to say, except, uh, heh heh, thanks for the soup! David realizes that he's been had.
Woody's. Mike and Brian have found not one guitar, but two, and having a blast on stage. I haven't seen Brian this happy, like, ever. He and Mike are drinking straight out of a bottle of Absolut, falling all over the stage, and wailing a song the lyrics of which go, "Just because you love/ Doesn't mean I can't have my way/ Just because I'm leaving/ Don't mean I don't want to stay." I think that about sums it up. Shut up, David. They're both pretty good on the guitars, if that's actually them playing. The crowd at Woody's loves it. David walks in, glares at them in disgust and consternation, and stomps out. They don't see him. I wish I hadn't.
The morning, Brian's recovering on his couch while TLFKAM tries to go over potential questions he might be asked at the hearing. Brian moans. Do they have to do this, now? TLFKAM's like, yes, now! Brian sighs, fine: "But. Gently." On cue, Justin turns on the blender. TLFKAM tells Justin to knock it off. Justin meekly apologizes, and brings over some horrific-looking green goo for Brian to drink. Handing it over, Justin tells him, "It's a secret recipe that my alcoholic grandmother used to make." Brian takes a whiff and groans, "Jesus, it smells like a dirty jockstrap." TLFKAM guffaws, "Well, in that case, you should like it." Justin laughs. Brian takes a sip and gacks, "The secret is, she pissed in it." Ha! Justin shakes his head and says he's just trying to help: "You know I'd do anything." TLFKAM's running of patience, and swears, "Let's just pray the arbitrator's gay and thinks [Brian's] cute." Don't think that won't work, either.
All of a sudden the loft door opens. It's Lindsay, with Gus, the Wonder Baby. Doesn't anybody ever call before they come over? My God, that baby's cute. And he's wearing a long pointy elf cap and sweater in this rainbow knit, and he's all wide-eyed and giggly, and I think I'm in love. What do you think the odds are that he's straight? TLFKAM and Lindsay stare at each other in shock. Then there's the whole, "I'msorryIdidn'tknowyouwere I'llcomebacklater don'tleave IwasjusthelpingBrianwithhis Iknowhetoldme" conversation. It's just a little awkward. Lindsay brings the baby over to TLFKAM, and coos, "Look who's here, honey." TLFKAM hugs and kisses Gus, and Lindsay mutters, "He misses you." And he's not the only one, apparently. TLFKAM wistfully hands Gus back, and then he starts giggling. And smiling. And, granted, it's probably at some stuffed animal behind Michelle Clunie's head, but God, this kid is killing me! Recap. Right. So, St. L. tells TLFKAM that she doesn't have to leave, but TLFKAM says that she has to get to work anyway, and amscrays. Brian hands the blender cup back to Justin and tells him to get it the hell away from him. Justin explains that Brian's "totally hung." Is that what kids today are calling a hangover? No room for misinterpretation or anything. Brian snorts, "And this time, he doesn't mean my cock." Which is what I'm saying. Maybe they were just trying to get another penis reference in. It's only been thirty freakin' seconds since the last one. Gus starts to fuss, and Brian grins, "Don't worry, sonny boy. Your old man will recover." Lindsay snaps that it's not him; Gus misses TLFKAM. Brian, ever-observant, sneers, "Well, you had your chance; why didn't you beg her to come back?" Lindsay hotly reminds him that TLFKAM's the one who cheated. Brian replies that maybe TLFKAM had a reason. Whatever. Lindsay cheerfully snaps, "Now you're taking her side. Huh. That's amusing. After all the years you spent hating her, humiliating her, trying to force her out of our lives, every chance you got -- well, congratulations. You finally got what you wanted." Yeah, he got his way. You know, that thing you've been giving him since the two of you met? Brian rolls his eyes: "Yeah that's right, blame me. Why not? Everybody else does." Then Brian looks straight at her and adds, "Maybe you got what you wanted." Lindsay shifts uncomfortably and changes the subject: Because TLFKAM left, Lindsay has to go back to work earlier than she thought, and has to hire a sitter. Justin volunteers, but Lindsay needs someone full-time. Brian automatically asks Justin to get his checkbook. Lindsay asks whether he sure that it's okay, what with him potentially losing his job and all -- gee, that's real thoughtful of her, isn't it? Brian says that it isn't a problem: "I said that I'd look after you and Gus, and I am." Humph. Can't ever say he hasn't been there for the baby. Huh. He writes the check, hands it to her, and gives her a big hug and kiss. Then Brian busts me up by chucking Fussy Gussy under the chin, and cooing, "I know I smell bad. It's vodka." Justin frowns thoughtfully at Brian's checkbook.
David's pad, vying for Happy Fun status. David stomps down the stairs, much to the dismay of a very hungover -- I'm sorry, "hung" -- Michael, who's also trying to recover on the couch. David asks him, loudly, if something's wrong, and Michael mutters, no, not all: "Could you just keep the elephants from running up and down the stairs?" David slams the hall door and asks, "Excuse me?" Michael doesn't repeat it. David tells him that he got in at three last night. Michael frowns, "I did?" Ha! David adds that Debbie must have been really, really sick. Mike cringes and repeats his lie. David self-righteously stalks over to the couch and says that he knows Debbie wasn't sick, because he's a codependent git who couldn't stand being away from Mike for five minutes, so he went over to to find him. David then admits that he wandered up and down Liberty Avenue until he found Mike and Brian at Woody's. The fuck? David then tries to get all snotty, like, "You two play so well together. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised." Insecure, much? He moved in with you. He told you he loved you. He's obviously trying to stick around. But, oh, no, you have to cut him off from his best friend. Whatever. Mike says that he told David that Brian was going through a really tough time, and David shouts, "Yeah, well, I told you something, too. So, if this is the way it's going to be, you lying to me so you can be with him, then maybe we oughta re-think things!" Mike wouldn't have to lie if you didn't make him promise not to see Brian. It was a stupid promise, but Mike's either grown or not. You can't have it both ways, you possessive little prick.
Woody's. Mike's now getting yelled at by his mother for using her to cover his seeing Brian. Mike admits that lying was a mistake, and Debbie tells him that if he keeps it up, he's going to lose David. Gee, do you promise? Mike snaps, "I already said I was wrong. If you wanna torture somebody, go to the S&M bar across the street." Justin snickers. Vic grins that they should knock it off and cheer up: "This is supposed to be a 'gay' bar, remember?" Ted sighs that he saw Emmett last night, "with his woman. At least that's how she purported to represent herself." Deb and Vic are drop-their-drinks-on-the-bar floored. Mike adds, "He really is going straight." Vic nods, "And so are we. Straight to hell, according to them." Justin, picking up his PSA duties once more, shakes his head: "But doesn't he know that every psychological study done within the past twenty-five years emphatically states that a person's sexual orientation is determined by the age of six -- sometimes even before birth. It's completely unalterable." Debbie chuckles, "You tell 'em, Sunshine! A leopard can't change his stripes. Neither can a queer." Justin's skeptical of the mixed metaphor, but okay. Vic says that it's a nasty world out there: "If Emmett doesn't have the guts to be gay, I say fuck him." Mike and Ted can't let go of him that easily, though.
And in walks Kip, all spiky-haired and brown-leather-jacketed. Justin recognizes him instantly. He's really got to stop letting his mouth hang open like that, though. Justin walks over, leans on the bar and asks, somewhat come-hitherly, "Haven't I seen you before?" Kip snorts that not only isn't that an original line, but it's also false. Justin says that it was the other night at Babylon: "I remember you." Kip stands up ands sneers, "Well, I don't remember you." And walks out. I'm surprised he's giving up the hook-up so easily; Kip looks like the type that needs to work at it.
Dave's office. Brian's on the diagnostic table, blowing smoke rings. Dave walks in and barely acknowledges his presence. Brian snerks, "Working late, Doc?" Dave says that he's finishing up some paperwork and asks pseudo-casually, "So, I hear you have a problem." Brian sits up and says, "Yeah. I've got this pain in my ass." David thinks it might be from over-exertion. (Ha!) Brian snaps, "Maybe it's you." I'm putting my chips on "both." David grits, "So, how can I alleviate your condition?" Brian: "You can lay off Mikey." David tells him to mind his own business. Yeah, you first, Dr. Killjoy. Brian says, "He is my business. And he's going to be my business long after you're gone." Face! David says that he's not going anywhere, "Although I did hear that you may be on your way out." Whatever. Brian asks who told him, and David says that pretty much everyone did: "Although that's not our concern." Brian: "Your better half thinks differently." David: "I told my 'better half' to stay out of it." "Told." Did everyone get that? What is up with him? Brian snorts, "By forbidding him to see me. You know, that's not how you're going to keep him. That's how you're going to lose him." David slams a folder closed. Brian stretches and tells David he's pretty good: "That pain I was having is feeling better already." Before he leaves, Brian makes sure that he properly disposes of his cigarette by dropping it into David's coffee.
The once and future home of Emmett and Mike. I'm telling you, he'll be back. So, Emmett and Heather are cross-legged on the couch, facing each other, while Roberta Flack and Peabo Bryson croon, "Tonight I Celebrate My Love." Go get your cups and buckle up, people. This is going to hurt. They screw their eyes closed and move in for a kiss; Emmett misses by a mile, and Heather has to guide him back to her mouth. Y'all strapped in? I'm not going to ask again. Heather asks whether he felt anything. Emmett confesses to a numb, tingling sensation...from his foot, which fell asleep. Emmett asks whether she felt anything, and Heather half-smiles, "A queasiness in my stomach? Like when you eat a bad clam." I -- you know, I just -- oh, never mind. Emmett looks particularly downcast at that review. Heather sighs that they don't have to go through with it, but Emmett's determined to get his "success story." Heather clenches her fists in the air, and says, yay, she wants one, too! Emmett suggests that they fantasize: "You think about the perfect man, and I'll think about the perfect woman." Heather nods, "It's a crutch, but if it helps us walk..." Good point. In that spirit, I'll keep recapping and think about The West Wing. As Emmett and Heather move in again, Emmett fantasizes that a beautiful naked woman is standing in the doorway behind Heather's head. Heather fantasizes that a gorgeous naked man is standing in the doorway behind Emmett's head. And we're talking totally naked. I wonder whether Bartlet's going to run again or not? I mean, Abby's dead set against it, what with him having MS and all, but still. Gonna be kind of hard to come up with a third season if Jed's sitting in a cabin up in Nashua somewhere. The fantasizing sort of seems to be working. Emmett and Heather pull away from each other. Emmett asks how that was, and Heather tells him to keep trying. They kiss again, and this time, Heather fantasizes that the beautiful woman (it's the same beautiful woman; I guess the budget for extras is limited this week) is behind Emmett's head. And then the beautiful woman is in front of her, where Emmett used to be, and they lean in for a kiss. On Emmett's end, Heather's been replaced by the gorgeous man. So, what I'm thinking is, Josh and Donna? Not so much. I mean, I get that they're attracted to each other, but a crush isn't day-to-day life, you know? I can't imagine how they could do that gracefully, either. Sorkin is a master, so maybe I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Nah. It's still a bad idea. Speaking of which, the camera keeps cutting back between Emmett kissing his fantasy, and Heather kissing hers, and finally to the two of them kissing enthusiastically, with their fantasies standing in doorways behind them, bathed in red light. Between kisses, Emmett asks Heather how it's going, and she laughs, "I'm starting to feel something." Emmett says that he does, too, and they attack each other on the couch, and then attack their fantasies on the couch, and Sam Seaborn is just the cutest, isn't he? He and I are both from L.A., too. But he really does need to go back to the old haircut. He's starting to look like a muppet.
The alley behind Babylon. Kip walks through and Justin calls out to stop him. "Oh, it's you again," Kip snorts, adding, "You don't give up easily, do you?" You have no idea, pal. Justin replies, "Do you want me to?" Kip chuckles, and asks whether Justin really has seen him around; Justin says that he saw him with "that guy, Brian." Kip's startled, and asks how Justin knows Brian. Justin, rolling his eyes: "Everybody knows Brian Kinney. He's a real asshole." Truer words, people. Never spoken. Except maybe, "Never fight a land war in Asia." I bet you Jed Bartlet would never try to fight a land war in Asia. Justin continues, "He's always coming onto you, acting like he likes you; really all he cares about is getting laid." Which brings up an interesting question -- why haven't people started to see Brian coming? So to speak. I would have thought Mr. Kinney would have been a household name by now. Kip leans against the wall and asks, "How do you know him? Did he break your heart?" Ouch. Justin forces a laugh and shakes his head: "Fuck, no! I'd never fall for his shit." Well, yeah, now. And then leaning in close, Justin asks, "Besides, he's not my type. Is he yours?" Kip snorts, "What, are you kidding? So...what is your type?" Justin kisses Kip passionately, and then pulls away just far enough for Kip to have to go in after him.
Emmett's bedroom. Emmett's moving on top of Heather, making weird grunting noises. Oh my God! They're having sex. In his head, he's hearing Ty and the other Lighters chant, "You can do it. You can do it. You can do it!" Heather's sort of lying there -- not looking at him, not touching him, and hoping that it will be all over soon. Emmett finally rolls off her, and there they are, both naked as jaybirds. They hurriedly pull the covers up. And, no, Emmett's not wearing a condom, so that little trip to the clinic didn't teach him everything, now did it? Hello? Babies are permanent, too. And odds are, Heather's not on the Pill. More awkward chatter:
Heather: So, how was it?
Emmett: I didn't hate it.
Heather: Oh?
Emmett: You?
Heather: It wasn't nearly as disgusting as I thought it was going to be.
They agree that the fantasies really helped, and then lie to each other: Emmett says that he used Jodie Foster in Anna and the King; Heather says that she used Matthew McConaughey in A Time to Kill. Heather has good taste. Emmett snerks, "Too bad we didn't use Contact. We could have been in the same movie." Heather joylessly laughs along with him. Awkward silence. Then Heather adds, "Well, we have our success story!" Emmett cheers, "Yay, us!" Yeah, yay, you, you freaks.
Kip's. Kip and Justin are getting it on. As Kip licks his nipple ring, Justin sighs, "You're hotter than the guy I had last week. He wanted to put me in short pants and spank me." I always thought Justin could do with a good spanking. Kip says that he wants to do a lot more than that, and pulls Justin off the couch to give him a blow job. As Kip's going to it, Justin tells him that he'd better hurry: "I've got a stupid curfew, can you believe it? My parents want me home by midnight." Kip laughs, "You live with your parents?" Justin shrugs, "Where else would I live? I'm seventeen." Bomp Bomp Bahhhhm! Kip doesn't believe him -- how does he get into clubs? Um, duh. Fake ID? Justin continues, "I don't tell my dad, though. Like, he goes totally psycho. Like he did when he found out I was gay." Kip doesn't really want to get up off of his knees, but he's thinking about it: "Your dad went psycho?" Justin says that his dad beat up the guy Justin was sleeping with and turned him in to the police. Kip: "The police?" Justin: "He'll be out in ten years." Heh. Still undeterred, Kip goes back to the blow job. Justin laughs, "If he knew I was here!" Kip asks how his dad would know, and Justin shakes his head: "Oh, there's no way. Unless I told him." Kip: "But, you wouldn't do that, would you?" "I would never do that," Justin tells Kip, "provided you do something for me."
The deposition. TLFKAM and Brian sit to each other at a huge table in the Ryder conference room. No one else has shown up yet. TLFKAM tells Brian to let her do the talking. Brian, picking at the wood grain on the table, says that she always does. TLFKAM tells him that when the HR investigator asks him something, he needs to confer with her before answering. Brian, all slouched over and unhappy, snaps that he's got it. And then, rolling his eyes, he says, "Listen, however this plays out, thanks. You didn't have to help me; you could have just said 'Fuck you.'" TLFKAM smiles sweetly and replies, "I know." Cool. A genuinely nice moment between these two. But she's still not getting her name back. Grand Poobah Ryder walks in and says that he was looking for Brian. As TLFKAM stands, Brian introduces her to Ryder. TLFKAM's looking kick-ass in a black turtleneck and grey tweed skirt, by the way. Ryder says that Liberty Air is taking on a new route to La Guardia, competing with other major airlines in the Northeast. Brian's like, and this what to do with me? Ryder says that they want to go national with Brian's campaign. TLFKAM, confused, asks, um, what about the hearing? Ryder snorts, "Forget about the hearing -- that matter's been dropped." Shocked, TLFKAM repeats, "Dropped?" Brian asks why, and Ryder shrugs, "Damned if I know, and who the hell cares? Be in my office in five minutes." TLFKAM plops back down in her seat, and snarls, "Un-fucking-believable! Jesus, what are you, Mr. Teflon? Shit just never sticks to you!" Brian can't believe it himself, and shrugs.
The See the Light meeting. Ty, standing with Emmett and Heather, invites Emmett to join their bowling league: "You know. It's just the guys." Uh huh. Keep trying. Emmett sees Mike and Ted at the entrance and walks over. Mike's way uncomfortable, and tells Ted that maybe they should go. Too late. Emmett's already in front of them. He sticks his hands in his pockets and says, "Well, this is a surprise. Welcome to See the Light." Mike snorts, "With the way some of these people are dressed, they should change it to 'Turn off the Light.'" Emmett is not amused! And snipes, "So, what is this -- some, like, intervention? You're going to kidnap me and throw me in the back of a van? I'm telling you right now, I'm not getting in the back of any van." Mike says that there's no van, and Emmett's disappointed: "I don't get a van? I'd think, at the very least, you could rent a van." Okay, Patty Hearst. Off the crack pipe, now. Ted says that there is no van: "It's just us, okay? And we came here...I don't know why we came here, but we tried talking to you, we tried reasoning with you --" Mike interjects, "We sent a porn star." Ted sighs, "A thousand dollars." Mike nods, comfortingly: "That's okay, just let it go." Ha! Ty calls for everyone to gather together in their "Circle of Light." Gag. Ted continues, "We wanted you to know that we still love you. Maybe not as much as Jesus. Almost. And we're going to miss you." Mike, helpfully adds, "Especially the way you dance with your hands above your head, and your Liza impersonation. That's the way I'll always remember you." Emmett tightly replies, "Thanks. But I don't think God appreciates it quite as much as you do." Ted shakes his head: "I think God appreciates it even more. Because he created you in His image. At least, that's what I was always taught. And since God is love, and God doesn't make any mistakes, then you must be exactly the way He wants you to be. The way He intended you to be. Every person, every plant, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song. Every tear. And every faggot. We're all His, Emmett. He loves us all." It's kind of odd coming from the man with the lowest self-esteem in Pennsylvania, but it works. And the Emmy goes to -- shyeah, like they'd ever even nominate him. Heather, sitting nearby, got every word, and looks like she's going to cry. Yeah, me, too. Mike tries to kiss Emmett goodbye, but Emmett stiffly turns his cheek. Mike kisses it anyway, and hugs him. Ted's also close to tears as Mike leads him out. Behind them, Ty calls the group to order. Emmett watches his friends go, then sits to Heather. They exchange a bummed-out look as Ty lisps, "Come into our circle of light, hmm?" Ty continues that they like to start each meeting with a success story. And tonight, it's Heather and Emmett's turn. Wow. Could those two look more uncomfortable?
Mike at David's living-room table. He's putting some of his comics in plastic sleeves. David, off-camera, asks, "You've got to be pretty careful with those, huh?" Mike nods that they're pretty valuable, "so you gotta protect them from the light." Heh. Mike asks whether David's still mad. David says he isn't. Mike apologizes for lying. David apologizes too: "Sometimes I guess I just get a little worked up over, uh --" Mike finishes, "Brian?" David agrees, "Over Brian." Mike says, "I've known him practically my entire life. I can't just stop seeing him." Dave says that Mike shouldn't have to: "You should feel free to see whomever you want to see. After all, this is a relationship -- it's not a maximum-security lockup." Yeah, neither one of them would last a day in Oz. Mike kisses him. David snarks, "So are you and Brian getting the band back together?" Mike laughs, "No, I think the Backstreet Boys have usurped our former glory." David asks him if he wants to go out, and Mike affably agrees. David tells him to go ahead; he's staying home. Mike asks why David's not coming, and Dave shrugs, "I'm not in the mood. But you go, you dance, you torture all those boys with your sculpted torso [huh?] and then you come home to me." David kisses him. Mike grins, "I think I have a better idea." He goes to the radio, turns it on, and starts to gyrate around David. I think it's supposed to be sexy, but it's really not. A show full of naked men and women, and this is what embarrasses me.
Speaking of which: Babylon! Tonight's specialty -- water pouring down on naked go-go dancers in plastic booths. They're supposed to be taking showers, get it? My sixty-year-old mother is in L.A. somewhere, very proud of me. She's so not allowed to read these recaps, though. At the bar, Ted and TLFKAM sulk together. TLFKAM takes a look at Ted's drink and snarks, "A Cosmopolitan. How...cosmopolitan." Ted mopes, "Emmett used to say, 'In Pittsburgh, it's as close as you can get.'" TLFKAM says that she knows how much Ted's going to miss him. Ted mopes, "Actually, you don't. But thanks for the sentiment." TLFKAM asks him to dance. Ted mopes that it would just remind him of Emmett. TLFKAM: "Another drink?" Ted: "I'll start to cry." Snicker. Sorry. Sad moment. I didn't mean it. Snort. No, really, I'm...sorry.
On the dance floor, Brian and Justin get down. Brian picks up Justin's shirt off the ground and hands it to him. Justin laughs, "You almost lost yours." Brian says he still doesn't know why Kip dropped the suit. Justin grins, "It's a mystery." Brian: "I guess I'll have to be more careful who I fuck." Would you? I'd appreciate it, thanks. Justin: "Lucky for you, I turn eighteen tomorrow." Brian asks him what he wants for his birthday, and Justin smirks knowingly and kisses him. But seriously, what does Justin want for his birthday?
Back at the bar, TLFKAM's giving Ted more options: "What about a nice stiff dick?" Oh, Jeez, she's not going to pull one out, is she? Ted laughs, "Now you're starting to sound like him. I remember how he always used to say, 'It's just not sex --" And Emmett's voice picks up, "Without something up your butt." And there's Emmett, leaning on the bar on the other side of TLFKAM, sipping a Cosmopolitan. Heather's with him, cowboy-hatted and shaking her booty to beat the band. Yay! Ted sulks, "Oh, now you've come to Babylon to proselytize." Emmett, wearing a skin-tight t-shirt with Asian designs all over it -- so, you know, not -- says that's not why they're there. Heather -- who makes a way better-looking lesbian than she ever did a straight girl -- adds that they've seen the light! TLFKAM and Ted: "We know." Hee hee. Emmett says that it's a different light. TLFKAM asks, "What about your success story?" Emmett smirks, "Oh, we have a success story, all right." Heather says that they shared it with the group. Emmett adds, "We told them some of us are meant to eat pussy. And some of us are meant to suck cock. But either way, God loves us all." Heather: "They agreed that God loves us." Emmett: "Uh huh. And then they told us to get the fuck out." He and Heather bust up laughing. Ted, skeptically: "So, you're really back?" Emmett snaps his fingers over his head and replies, "Honey, my flame has been rekindled and is burning brighter than ever." Woohoo! He kisses TLFKAM on the top of her head. Ted, about to cry, again, gives Emmett a big hug. Awww. Emmett spills his drink all over him. Just like old times. Heather grabs TLFKAM's hand and leads her to the dance floor. Interesting. I'd actually to see what becomes of that. Emmett takes a sip of his Cosmopolitan, and then he and Ted also take the floor. In the middle of the swirling bouncing bodies, Emmett sighs, "Do you feel that gay thump-thump? God, how I missed that!" And everyone dances the night away.
No new episode March 25, because of the Oscars. But, in two weeks, drama! Lindsay leaves Gus with Brian for a weekend because she's going to a teachers' conference. Brian's dad drops by the loft and tells his son that he has cancer. Debbie tries to convince Brian to tell his dad that he's gay. Melanie tries to take the baby back to the Happy Fun House (I guess she still has the key), but Brian protests, "I was only out for a couple of hours!" Apparently that couple of hours is enough for Lindsay to crawl up all over his ass: "Don't tell me that you're going to be there for him when you're not!" Perhaps someone will remind her of the big fat checks Brian writes her. If not, I will.