“ 'You're going to be seeing a rep from Human Resources; there's going to be an outside investigation, followed by a tribunal with an impartial mediator.' Man. Does Brian get fries with all that? ”
Helen Shaver's co-hosting tonight. Gay creds: a movie called Desert Hearts, in which she played a lesbian in 1950s Nevada. I also found out that Michelle Clunie and Thea Gill used that movie as inspiration for their relationship as Melanie and Lindsay, so that's pretty cool that they have her on. I always confuse her with Helen Slater, who played Supergirl, and is also Christian Slater's sister. Thanks for listening. Oh, and the warning is back at the beginning. That's because lots of people are going to be fully-frontal nekkid. I'm just warning you.
Brian walks into his office, followed by Cynthia, his assistant. He tells her to book him in the best resort in the Bahamas. He doesn't specify which island, and aren't there, like, a thousand of them, or something? Cynthia grins, "What, is South Beach over?" Snicker. I was just there a few months ago, and uh, definitely not. Brian says that Liberty -- which I assume is a client -- is sending him to the Bahamas for a marketing retreat. Cynthia nods, "Oh, so this is all work and no play?" Brian raises a perfectly arched eyebrow; remember who you're talking to, girly. Cynthia rolls her eyes, and sighs that she'll crack open the Spartacus guide and see what she can find. Grand Poobah Ryder walks in and informs Brian that someone else is going on the rereat. And furthermore, he needs Brian to go home. Cynthia beats a hasty retreat, and the Poobah closes the door after her. Ryder assures Brian that it's just until the harassment suit blows over; Brian pouts, "Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?" Ryder points out that Liberty Air is fairly conservative: "What would happen if they found out that their account executive was involved in a gay sex scandal?" Brian snorts, "You mean, they wouldn't mind a straight one?" Word. Ryder ignores him and continues by saying that he spoke with the legal department: "You're going to be seeing a rep from Human Resources; there's going to be an outside investigation, followed by a tribunal with an impartial mediator." Man. Does he get fries with all that? Brian asks when the hanging is. Ryder advises him to get a good lawyer, and then solemnly walks out. Cynthia is about to walk back in, but then sees Brian turned to the wall, and thinks better of it.
Liberty Diner. Mike shakes his head, "I told you not to fuck him." No, he wasn't even around when Brian fucked him, but whatever. Brian answers, apropos of nothing, "Do you ever notice that when your Mom's not serving us, the portions shrink by approximately one third?" He calls to the waiter, "I said 'fries'? Plural?" Wow, he doesn't even get fries when he gets fries. Tough week. Ted says that it's akin to his boss having sex with him; Mike snorts that Ted's boss "is, like, seventy-two." Brian grimaces that he's trying to eat, here. Ted admonishes, "You don't prey on the help." Brian tells him that Kip went after him, which sounds like the oldest clich in the world, even though it's totally true -- which is kind of ironic, if you think about it. Ted just rolls his eyes. Mike tells Brian that he'll feel better after he works out. Why is that, exactly? Mike and Brian get up to leave, and Mike asks Ted if he's coming. Ted says it's just not the same without his "gym buddy," Emmett. Brian sighs that he and Mike will be his gym buddies, but Ted shakes his head: "Emmett would let me get away with murder. You guys will make me sweat." Mike confirms that they'll see him at Woody's later, though, right? Ted shakes his head: "Woody's isn't the same without my beer buddy there, pointing out all the cute guys and spilling drinks all over me." See, now he's making me sad. I miss Emmett, too. Brian grins, "We'll spill drinks all over you." Ha! Mike reminds Ted that Emmett can't commit to a damn thing. Brian adds that Emmett will get over this straight phase, too. Brian's going to be nice to pretty much everyone this episode, so hang on. As Mike and Brian leave, Brian calls back to Ted, "Thanks for lunch." Okay, maybe not that nice -- by the look on Ted's face, he wasn't aware he was buying.
See the Light. Two stereotypes...uh, I'm sorry, "members," stand and tell their story: Jim was over at Marsha's house to watch the game. She's been trying to teach him football. "She is. Can you stand it? But I'm hopeless," Jim sighs. Marsha laughs that she was trying to explain point spreads -- "yet again" -- when all of a sudden they started kissing. "With tongues and everything!" Jim crows, adding, "Can you stand it?" Actually, no -- you're giving me the creeps. Emmett looks a little queasy, himself. The group cheers for Jim and Marsha -- even more so when they announce that they're engaged. Jim keeps saying, "Can you stand it? Can you stand it?" Which makes me think, dude, can you? Ty stands and lisps, "You see the power of the work we're doing here? Don't let anyone tell you that it isn't possible -- that you can't heal!" He adds that he wants to hear success stories from each and every one of them, and leads them in the group cheer: "You can do it! You can do it! You can do it!"
Outside, Emmett is bundling up when Heather, the woman who sat to him at the meeting, approaches him. All chipper and gung ho, she says that it's all really inspiring: "It gives us hope that we can all change our lives." Emmett -- game, but not nearly as chipper -- says that he hopes they can all have success stories of their own, adding, "God, I wish I was one." Heather agrees, and introduces herself. Emmett does the same and they shake hands. Girl's got quite a grip on her. She apologizes, "Sorry, I'm working on that." Great. So, someday you'll not only be straight, but a wuss. ["People with weak handshakes give me the willies." -- Wing Chun] They walk a ways, and Heather asks Emmett how long he's been around See the Light. She's been with the group six months, and tells him not to despair -- it's a long road. Heather's story is a simple one: she says she first lost sight of the light in college, when she fell in love with one of her sorority sisters. Heather taught said sister how play golf at her parents' country club: "Then one night, it happened. We made love on the 18th Green. Oh, God, I still remember that hole!" Uh huh. Heather tells Emmett that the girl eventually got engaged to a golf pro and moved to North Carolina, lost to Heather forever: "When she left, I thought I would die." So, Heather slept around. A lot. With every woman she could get her hands on. "And I started to wonder," Heather says, "how I ended up in such darkness." It's called getting your heart broken. Happens to us all. You don't see me trying to condition myself to be a lesbian, do you? No. Why is that? Because I'm straight. See how simple that is? God. Anyway, Heather asks him how he got to the group, and Emmett tells her he made a promise to God. Heather thinks that's really cool: "I think he really hears us sometimes, you know?" Emmett gives her a wan smile. Then Heather asks him out. Emmett stammers, "You mean, like, on a date?" That's exactly what she means. If he wants to be a success story, then they should just go for it! Punching Emmett on the shoulder, she says that she'll pick him up at eight. And probably hold the car door open for him and everything. Emmett says that's great, but --hitting Heather back on the shoulder -- he asks, "Aren't I supposed to pick you up?" Heather's like, damn, I forgot!
Dave's. Mike's reading comic books in bed when David walks into the bedroom wearing nothing but an apron. He's carrying a wok in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other, and grins, "I whipped you up a little snack." Mike snorts, good-naturedly, "A little snack is a handful of Cap'n Crunch." David says he was all out of Captain Crunch, so he threw some penne and sun-dried tomatoes together, instead. I think a little Cap'n Crunch would do Dr. Uptight a little good, don't you? Although the white wine cream sauce does sound good. Mike burns his tongue on it. David leans in to cool it off for him. Mike's cell rings, and David groans, "That better not be who I think it is." So, Mike can't even talk to Brian now? Anyway, it's Ted. Ted asks whether he's disturbing them, and Mike shrugs it off, while slowly undoing David's apron strings. Which come to think of it, is about as subtle a metaphor as we've seen to date. Ted says he's watching a porno (will wonders never cease, huh?) and that it's pretty bad: "These two guys are fucking, and eating pasta at the same time, like anyone would do that, right?" Sigh. Ted continues that Brian just called him, and Ted thinks Brian's "freaking out." Mike asks what Ted means. Ted elaborates that Brian asked Ted, as an accountant, how long he could go without a job. Ted told Brian that, the way he spends, about two months. And then he thanked Ted -- wait for it -- "for being such a wonderful and compassionate friend." Mike gasps, "Oh my God, he is freaking out!" Mike says that he'll call Ted later. Ted goes back to the porno, getting a few Kleenex in anticipation. Mike tells David that he has to call Brian, but David takes the phone out of his hand. Mike tries to explain that Brian's in trouble, and David, "We're not going to have a relationship like [The Lesbian Formerly Known As Melanie] and Lindsay." Oh, shut up! Mike tries to play it off, saying that of course they aren't, because they're not lesbians. David explains what he meant: "There's only room in this house -- our house, our bed, our life -- for you and me. Not you and me and Brian." What an ass. Does this mean you're going to give up your snotty friends, too? Not likely. Mike mumbles that he understands. David makes Mike promise that he won't get involved in Brian's problems: "He's made his bed. He can get sued in it." Mike just pouts on the bed.
Speaking of people off my Christmas list, Brian and TLFKAM are having lunch. TLFKAM snorts, "Let me get this straight: you fuck up my life, you destroy my relationship, and now you have the breathtaking gall to ask me to represent you?" Just as long as we're all taking responsibility for our own actions, here. Clarification: Lindsay let Brian have his way; you fucked around on her. Took two to tango out of that gig, baby, and neither was Brian. Brian shrugs and says, yeah, that's totally what he expects: "And I'll pay, too." TLFKAM tells him to keep his money, because he's going to need it. Okay, if she's not planning to listen to him, then why is she having lunch with him? And, good grief, how did he convince her to have lunch with him in the first place? Brian -- knowing just where all the soft spots are -- drawls, "Fine. Homophobic Corporate America wins again." TLFKAM snaps, "Oh, please! You could hang a sign on your door that says, 'Blow Jobs -- Ten Cents,' and you'd still have it better than any woman or person of color because you're a white man. Which still counts for something in this country." Brian looks skeptical. He shouldn't. TLFKAM asks Brian for his version of the story. Brian shrugs, "He wanted it. I gave it him." TLFKAM chuckles, "Just how I wanted it: short but sweet." Brian frowns, "It wasn't that short." Get over yourself, there, cupcake. TLFKAM asks where it happened; Brian tells her they went at it once in his office, and again in his loft. TLFKAM nods, "So, he couldn't have minded too much if he came back for more." Brian tells her that Kip asked for Brian's help in getting a promotion, and Brian told Kip that he wasn't ready for the position. TLFKAM asks how Kip took it, and Brian raises an eyebrow: "How do you think? He felt, because we're both gay, and we'd fucked, that somehow he was entitled to a free ride. I didn't agree." TLFKAM asks Brian how many tricks he has a month; Brian says that it's somewhere between twenty and thirty, which means, dude, he's not even taking the Sabbath off most of the time. TLFKAM shakes her head: "Jesus, what a life." Brian hotly asks what that has to do with anything, anyway, and TLFKAM replies, "Well, for once the fact that you screw anything that moves is your finest quality and your best defense. You didn't have to abuse your position at work in order to get laid." Brian grins, "The Fuck Defense?" The Mad Lawyering Skillz emerge at last. TLFKAM nods, "We've got to prove that when this kid didn't get what he wanted, he decided to get even." Brian knows that he's got her, but asks whether she'll take the case. TLFKAM thinks about it, and smiles, "Look, not that I give a shit about saving your ass, but it might be amusing to have you indebted to me for the rest of your life."