Ladies and Gentlemen: The winner and still champion, HARVEY "The Torch" FIERSTEIN!!!!!
He won. . .right?
Brian's place. Brian's on a treadmill, staring straight at the blown-up pictures on the wall from the party. You remember - - Mike at different ages, looking all cute and happy, Mike and Brian, Brian and Mike. Brian finally turns off the treadmill and picks up the phone. He dials a number and the screen splits in two to show Mike in his apartment, picking up. Mike says hello, but Brian doesn't say anything. I guess Mikey doesn't have caller ID. Good thing he's moving in with Doctor Dave. I don't really mean that, by the way. That was sarcasm. Brian hangs up without answering, and Mike puts the phone back in its cradle. His apartment zooms over to fit the whole screen. Emmett, leaning in the kitchen doorway, asks who called. Without hesitating, Mike answers, "Brian." Hah! Emmett asks what Brian had to say, and Mike says he didn't say anything; he just hung up. Emmett wants to know how Mike could tell it was Brian. Mike says that Brian breathes funny because of a deviated septum. Emmett drawls, "That's not the only thing about him that's deviated." With some of the outfits Emmett's come up with, he really shouldn't talk. Mike, packing up boxes, wonders what Brian wanted; Emmett hopes he wanted to come over and beg Mike's eternal forgiveness. Not likely. Mike shakes his head, "Brian doesn't do apologies." Brian doesn't do a lot of things -- it's a wonder he still does breathing. Emmett says that he certainly should, but Mike replies that it's too late, "he pushed too hard, and now the game is over." I can't believe he doesn't have a clue about what's actually going on. That was fairly random fuckwittage, even for Brian, ya know? Mike says that it doesn't matter, because he's going to be too busy being happy with David to be sad about Brian. Ick. Emmett smiles, "Who would have ever believed it -- you, a married lady!" Mike sighs, hand on his chest, "I prefer the term 'domestic partner.'" Emmett chuckles, and Mike continues, "Who cares what it's called, as long as I have David." Awww. Ick. Emmett cheers, "And I have the apartment!" Mike says that now Emmett can bring home all the tricks he wants without worrying about waking Mike up. Emmett smiles tightly and says that they'll see about that. Mike closes up the last box, and is about to get all sentimental when he remembers he still has to take the big Captain Astro mural off the wall. Emmett gets up to help. Mike nods, "I guess that's really it." Emmett kisses him on the cheek and tells him that he'll always have a place to come back to, which Mike appreciates, since he's, uh, still paying half the rent. Mike starts to hit Emmett in the butt with Captain Astro's hand, until Emmett tells him to knock it off: "It's too early for fisting." Mike laughs that it's never too early for fisting, but I gotta tell you, it is in my house. But live and let live.
Ryder Ad Agency. Brian walks into his office, followed by his assistant, who gives him his messages: the gym called, his tailor called, Ryder called. Brian snarls, "Fuck the gym, fuck my tailor, and fuck Ryder! And get me some aspirin, because I have a bitch of a headache." Assistant Chick is apparently used to this behavior, and puts the messages down on his desk within scowling range. She notes that it's been about a week without "the usual phone calls from Michael every five minutes. Is he away or something?" Brian snaps, "Yeah, you could say that." Assistant Chick leaves without delving any further.
Cut to Ted walking down some random street in Toronto, er, Pittsburgh. His cell phone rings. It's Brian. Ted's game: "Brian, who?" The screen splits so we can see them both, Ted on the street, and Brian in his office. Brian sneers, "Brian who do you think? That's who!" Ted says he didn't recognize his voice, because Brian never calls him. Ted also reminds Brian that he's not talking to him anyway, I guess because of Mike. Brian rolls right over that observation and asks Ted if he wants to hang out together that evening. That stops Ted cold. "With you??" he asks. Brian's surprised that Ted's surprised. Ted replies it's not like winning the lottery (definitely not) or an asteroid hitting the earth (closer), but yeah. Brian continues, "So, you're not busy?" Eeyore snorts, "Do you have to ask?" Brian demands that they meet at Woody's after work, then hangs up before Teddy can say another word.
At the gym, Ted tells Emmett about his "date" with Brian. Emmett replies that Brian must really be desperate. Ted doesn't take that too kindly, but figures, "Now that he and Michael are no longer friends. . .Brian needs someone new to take for granted, so naturally, he thought of me." You go, Eeyore! Emmett asks him if he's actually going to go. Or, what, waste a perfectly good opportunity to complain about what a loser he is to anyone within listening range? Shyeah, right! Of course Ted's going to go! Ted shrugs, "Maybe I can resolve the great Brian / Michael conflict, and, uh, score with one of Brian's rejects." Ugh, you're so pathetic sometimes, Ted. He and Emmett finish a set of reverse crunches and Emmett frowns, "God, I hate my abs!" In front of him, a scruffy but cute guy smiles, "I love your abs." Emmett's shocked, and looks around to see if Scruffy Guy is talking to someone else. Scruffy guy confirms, "I mean you." Ted fake whispers, "He means you." Snicker. Emmett and Scruffy Guy play twenty questions: "You're name is Emmett, right?" "Right." "You work at Torso, right?" "Right." "Your dentist is Dr. Feldman, right?" Whoa, there, Skippy, stop the bus. How does he know who Emmett's dentist is? Scruffy explains that he was in the doctor's office last week, and he had the appointment after Emmett's. Emmett's grinning now, and Scruffy tells him that he loves the space between his teeth. Awww. Puppy love!
Scruffy introduces himself as Beau. Ted fake whispers, "That's French for 'beautiful.'" Emmett knows. Beau reminds me of this guy I went out with once -- and he was really hot, too. Beau asks Emmett out. Ted laughs, "As if you need to ask!" Emmett says he'd love to, and Ted nods, "As if he'd say no!" But Emmett can't. Both Beau and Ted's faces fall. Emmett thanks Beau for asking. Beau shrugs, disappointed, "Maybe some other time?" Emmett doesn't respond to that, and Beau wanders off. Ted shrieks, "Are you out of your mind?? Guys like us do not turn down guys like him! It's a flagrant violation of the entire gay social structure. They're going to vote you out of the brotherhood." Yeah, the GM / SGWC is even thinking of holding a blackball ceremony of our own. Emmett's crazy. Emmett reminds Ted of his promise to God never to have sex with another man if he tested negative. Dude, I think God will understand! Either that, or I'm going straight to hell. Oh, nuts. Emmett says it doesn't matter what Ted says, "I never want to go through the hell I went through again. And I won't, because someone kept his part of the bargain. Now it's my turn to keep mine."
The Happy Fun House. Melanie's back from work, and Lindsay meets her at the door. The baby's making cranky noises upstairs, and Lindsay tells Melanie to keep it quiet because she just put Gus down. Melanie asks if it's too late to go up and see him, and Lindsay says that she can see him in the morning. Melanie reminds her that Gus is asleep when she leaves for work. Lindsay says that Melanie could leave later, "Or even take the afternoon off." HELLOOOO, Earth to Lindsay! Melanie replies, "The point of my working longer days is so you can stay home." Lindsay snaps that she appreciates how hard Melanie works, which is why she made that totally insensitive comment. Melanie retorts that it would be nice if she showed it, by, I don't know, maybe not making insensitive comments like that. Lindsay says that she thought she was showing her appreciation. Um, when was that, exactly? Lindsay points out that she works too, "taking care of our son?" Catfight! Catfight! Melanie replies, throwing her jacket down on the chair, "Your son and Brian's. I just pay the bills." Oooooh. Don't mess with Mel; her claws are painted jungle red! Lindsay asks if they really have to go through this again, and Melanie shrugs that they can continue to pretend that everything's fine. Lindsay doesn't want to pretend, she just doesn't want to talk about it all the time. Melanie pours herself a drink and replies, "Well, I'm Jewish. And after neo-nazis, there's nothing the Jews fear more than silence." Sure, all right. Lindsay says that she doesn't feel the need to express every little thing she feels. Melanie wishes she'd try "because after that fiasco at Brian's, you've turned off to me physically, emotionally. . ." Oh, please, Melanie's been complaining since way, way, way before Mike's party. St. L. raises her voice to point out that Melanie "turns every little slight into a rejection." Melanie skips over that bit of truth to repeat that Lindsay doesn't want to have sex or talk about what's going on. Lindsay pulls the "I'm a tired new mother!" routine. Melanie snaps, "Well, I'm tired, too! I'm tired of trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong. Of wondering why, instead of feeling closer than we've ever been, I've never felt more alone." See, that's bad. That's something that should really be discussed, and resolved, you know? Lindsay picks up the laundry basket and walks out of the room. Or, you know, not. Melanie asks if she's going to say anything, and Lindsay coughs and asks sweetly, "What would you like for dinner? I can heat up some pot roast."
A pair of red high heels in black stockings walk across the top of the bar, attached to a deep voice hawking Crantini shooters. As the legs pass Brian and Ted, Brian frowns quizzically and peers up and under, trying to determine if it's a girl or a boy, I guess. Like there's any question. Brian and Ted go back to not having a conversation, Brian finishing a beautiful sculpture he's making out of cherries, pineapples, plastic toothpicks, and paper umbrellas. Brian decides to give it the old college try and asks Ted how work was. All of sudden, it's not Ted in front of him, but Mike, who babbles, "Fat Marly had this really incredible hickey, and there was a sale on protein powder, so every queen in the city was there, except for you, of course." Brian sticks his tongue out at Mike. Someone gave Marly a hickey? Are you sure her vacuum didn't just get away from her? The camera cuts back to Ted, who monotones that work was boring, as usual. Ted asks how Brian's day was, and then we're back with NotMikey, who adds, "Don't tell me, you took this client to this really fancy restaurant, and there was this really hot waiter, and he signaled for you to meet him in the linen closet, and he gave you this really amazing blowjob. And then you went back to the table, and the client never knew!" Brian grins, "How'd you guess?" So even in Brian's fantasies, he's the only subject of conversation? Back to Ted, who asks again about work. Brian shakes it off and says that he took a client to lunch and one of the waiters gave him a blowjob in the linen closet. Ted's like, wow, really?? Back to NotMikey, who laughs and calls Brian a liar. Brian frowns, because NotMikey is, uh, not really there. Ted asks Brian if he's talked to Mike. Brian asks what for, and Ted snorts, "Oh, for no other reason than that he's your best friend." Brian replies, "Was my best friend." Ted says that Brian should call Mike, but Brian tells him that they're out of each other's lives for good. A shirtless blond HDGB, standing behind Ted, asks Brian how it's going. Brian replies that he's not interested. Time for Ted to test his theory: Before the HDGB can walk away, Ted pipes up with, "However, I am available for safe sex and estate planning." Brian shoots him a sideways glance, because really, what are the odds? The HDGB pauses for a sec, and then thoughtfully replies, "Actually, I do have some investment questions." Ted and Brian are incredulous, and frankly, I can't believe that it worked either. Ted tells the HDGB, "Well, I'll tell you what. You help me diversify my portfolio, I'll help diversify yours." Brian rolls his eyes, because he usually gets off much better lines. NOT.
David's. David and Mike have just finished getting all of Mike's stuff in the living room. David's a little overwhelmed at how much Mike actually brought with him, especially since Mike's going back for more tomorrow. Mike grins that when he finds something that he likes, he holds on to it. Dave puts his hands together, closes his eyes, and prays out loud, "I hope that applies to me, I hope that applies to me, I hope that applies to me." Whatever. Mike kisses him on the forehead and says that applies to him especially. Warm fuzzy kittens! Mike asks where he should put everything, and David bravely answers, "You decide. It's our place, now." Mike starts looking around for a place to put his classic lunchbox, but David pulls him into his lap and murmurs that Mike can start unpacking tomorrow, "I have plans for us tonight." They start kissing, because they're going to have SEX. Oh, yeah, baby.
The Alley behind Woody's. Brian emerges from the building, and finds a few men standing around chatting, hanging out, and waiting for the big thing to come along. Shortly after Brian lights a cigarette, Ted and the talking HDGB follow. Ted, all excited, asks Brian if he's okay getting home, and Brian smirks, "Yeah, I know the way." Brian looks the other way down the alley, and catches The Look from some guy leaning on wall. Wall Guy nods back further down the alley.
Cut to Dave and Mike in bed. To no one's surprise, Mike's a bottom. And Dave has a really nice butt. He could use a tan, though. But I think we all knew those things before. God. Hi, my name is Camper. I recap gay porn. Sigh. For some reason, the camera pulls back from the bed and focuses on two Captain Astro glasses on the dresser. Symbolism or something. I don't know.
Cut back to Brian and Wall Guy, who have finished their introductions, and creep down another alley off the main alley. Cut back to Mike and David having great sex. Great, but boring, according to Mike.
Cut back to Brian and Wall Guy, who's kissing his way down Brian's chest to his crotch. He undoes Brian's pants, and the camera pans to other couples -- oh, wait, there's a threesome -- in the alley with them. I'm still not seeing why it's necessary to be so explicit, but it's cable, so, whatever. The camera pans back to Brian and Wall Guy, who fakes a good blow job, but it's still a fake, despite what a couple of folks on the message board are wondering. It's like, too low and . . .jerky. Something's wrong with the angle. Okay, I'm stopping now.
Cut back to Mike and Dave coming. Cut back to Brian, coming. Cut back to Mike and Dave cuddling. Mike sighs that he's so lucky, "normally about this time, I'd be coming out of Woody's, waiting in the jeep for Brian to finish getting a blow job so I can drive him home." Wow, that sounds so pathetic. On both their parts, even. David chuckles, because Mikey is his, ALL his, and asks, "And, instead?" Mike sighs, "Instead I'm here with you." Aww. More fuzzy kittens. David whispers into his ear, "I love you, Michael." Awww. Where the hell is my insulin?
Back at Woody's, Brian walks up to his jeep, automatically calling Mike's name. But Michael's not there, so Brian has to be pathetic all by himself. Too bad. Soo sad. Ha. Ha. Ha.
The morning, David walks into the living room and finds Michael wide-awake, chipper, and hanging up classic comic book drawings. David looks around at the figurines on the mantle, and at the mannequin wearing an old superhero costume, and is not thrilled. He lies, unconvincingly, that it all looks great! David walks over to the big mural of Captain Astro over the fireplace, and futzes that that's his favorite, but he can't remember the character's name. Nice going. David babbles that it adds a "whimsical" touch to the décor. Mike mutters that he doesn't know where he's going to put his toy robots, and Dave smiles, like an indulgent papa, "I'm sure you'll find the perfect place." In fact, I'm thinking of one right now. Dave tries to coax Mike back into bed, but Mike reminds him that he has to work. David reminds him that it's Saturday. Mike reminds him that the Big Q is open seven days a week. And I would like to remind both of them that if David can't even remember Mike's work schedule -- or, most likely, hasn't been around long enough to know it -- they shouldn't be living together. David says that he hoped they could hang out at home and "watch the game," so I'd also like to remind David that if he doesn't know that Mike isn't into sports, or, most likely, hasn't been around long enough to realize it, then they probably shouldn't be living together. Mike then goes into a sob story about how he's never been into "watching the game or Saturdays. . .that was the day that all the kids did stuff with their dads, and I didn't have one, so I kind of dreaded Saturdays." David sweetly tells him, "Well, I can promise you only happy Saturdays from now on." I just love realistic promises, don't you?
Cleaning Day at The Happy Fun House, which shall now be known as the Happiest Funnest House, as Lindsay shines the dining room table and sighs, "Another therapist?" Melanie, vacuuming in the living room, replies, "Well, with that attitude we'll certainly get a lot accomplished." Cleaning day, get it? Because I do. Lindsay snaps, "But you're the one who's got a problem." Huh. I can't believe I actually prefer Lindsay's crap to Melanie's, for a change. Shut up, Lindsay. Melanie snorts, "And you don't?" Lindsay retorts, "Only the one that you're creating." No, really. Shut up and go lie on the couch. Melanie sarcastically asks if she's living in the house by herself, and Lindsay shoots back, "Maybe you'd be happier if you were." Ouch.
The doorbell rings, and Melanie turns off the vacuum and answers it. It's Brian. Instead of saying hello like a normal person, he drawls, "Meet my latest trick." The camera zooms down to his crotch, where he's holding a teddy bear dressed up in a leather biker outfit. Melanie snarks, "I didn't know you were into bears. I thought you preferred the young, hairless, not-admitted-without-a-parent-or-guardian type." Using the bear as a puppet, Brian asks, "Where's my son?" Melanie replies, "Our son is taking a nap." Brian invites himself to dinner. Melanie points out that it's only two in the afternoon. Brian flops on the couch and says he'll just hang out, then.
Lindsay asks, "Since when do you hang out with the likes of us?" Melanie figures it's since "Michael's no longer in the picture." Brian says that it's just as well, "Mikey and I have been holding onto each other for too long. I mean, when you think about it, what do we even have in common?" Melanie snorts, "Your lives?" Well, Brian's life, at least. Brian pauses and mutters, "Aside from that." Snicker. Brian says that it worked out for the best, because thanks to him, Mike's with David, "where he belongs." Happy Medium, anyone? Just asking. St. L, acknowledging her hypocrisy with a quick glance to Mel, says that it's not too late to fix things, but Brian replies that some things are better left broken. And then, smiling enthusiastically, he asks, "So, what do you say we play a little game of scrabble?" Is "pain-in-the-ass" considered one word, or four?
The Back of the Big Q Mart. A bunch of Q Martyrs are on break, and Marly reads an email she printed out, "Ten ways to tell if your husband's gay." Charming. And really, really tired. Mike walks up just as she's getting started, and exchanges a look with Tracy, who's the only other one not laughing. Marly notices, and Tracy tells her that she just doesn't think it's funny. Marly thinks it's hysterical, of course, and asks Mike what he thinks. Mike says he wasn't really listening. Mike's also having trouble meeting Tracy's eyes. Tracy says to Marly, "You're entitled to think whatever you want, but so am I. And what I think is that people who laugh and make jokes about other people, whoever they are, are ignorant and cruel." Hand that girl a P-FLAG button! Mike rushes inside. Tracy runs after him, and calls him "Mr. Novotny." Mike tries to make a joke out of it, but Tracy stays serious. She tells him she needs to give him something, and Mike steps back, just in case a punch is coming his way. No fear, she's just giving him her two-week's notice. She's switching from the Big Q Mart to the Big Dollar Mart. How cool: all the discontinued, six-month-old candy she can eat!
Woody's. Brian's trying to play pool, but he keeps getting interrupted by guys trying to pick him up. Ted, all happy and newly laid, approaches Brian with a big smile on his face. Brian asks what the hell he wants, and Ted says he just wanted to tell him what a great time they had the night before. Brian snarls, "I was bored out of my fucking mind!" Ted answers, "Yeah, well, that's the sign of true friendship, that it can accommodate vastly divergent points of view." Hah! Ted notices Brian turn down yet another suitor, and asks how many times Brian gets hit on in a night. Brian, shaking his head, "Give or take, a hundred and twelve." Ted mumbles, "Amazing. And I only need one." Another guy tries, another guy gets shot down. This time, Ted follows up with, "Excuse me. Tax season's coming up and uh, you don't want to get caught with your pants down." Killing me, here.
In another corner of the bar, Emmett sits at a table, drinking alone. Never a good sign. A young man in a yellow windbreaker slides up to him and intensely introduces himself as Matt. He's all clean and shiny, in sort of a weird way. Emmett slurs, "Of course you are! You're always Matt. Or Scott. Or Todd. Or some other wonderful one-syllable name." Matt was going to offer to buy him a drink, "but something tells me you don't need another." Emmett says he's right. Emmett excuses himself so he can go home: "It's always nicer to vomit in your own toilet." Then he almost falls off his stool. Shiny Matt offers to help him, and Emmett accepts gratefully. Outside, in the daylight (??), Shiny Matt suggests that Emmett's just re-evaluating his life, "wondering if there's something better." Emmett thoughtfully agrees, asks how Shiny Matt knew. Shiny Matt answers, "Because I've seen the light. And the way you looked at the bar, I thought maybe you needed to see it, too." Maybe that's why he's shiny. He hands Emmett a pamphlet for a group he belongs to. Emmett frowns and says that he doesn't do well in groups. "I got thrown out of cub scouts first week. I made a fabulous necklace out of slip knots." Shiny Matt says that everyone is welcome in his group, "and it's all people like us." That being? "People questioning. Evaluating." Yes, that makes it a lot clearer, thanks. Shiny Matt invites him to their meeting, "All you've got to lose is your pain." Yeah, uh, uh, right. RUN.
At the Liberty Diner that evening, Justin buses many tables, then sits down at a booth with Daphne, who's doing her homework. She notes that he gets tipped very well, and Justin, wearing a t-shirt that says, "Too busy to fcuk [sic]," smirks that it's 'cause he's cute. Daphne adds, "And conceited." Justin smiles, "I could fuck practically anyone I wanted." He's just too busy. Daphne ignores the t-shirt and asks why he doesn't, as Brian walks in on cue. Daphne rolls her eyes and sighs, "Never mind. The answer just walked in the door." Brian stalks up to Justin and asks how it's going. Justin snorts, "Do you really want to know?" Brian's like, well, I asked, didn't I? And Justin, not sure what's happening, quietly responds that everything's fine. Brian asks what Justin's doing after work, and invites him to come over. Daphne can't quite decide if she should be happy for Justin or not, because she doesn't know what the hell is going on, either. Justin pseudo-coolly shrugs and says sure. Brian orders a sandwich from him and sits down at the bar. Justin's totally excited and tells Daphne that that's the first time Brian has invited him over. Daphne wonders why it happened, and then Mike walks in on cue. Justin deflates some, because he realizes, "It means he misses Michael." Michael and Brian see each other, and then pretend they didn't. Daphne asks if those two are ever going to speak again, but Justin doubts it. Daphne says that Justin should do something: "I thought you loved Brian, and you're staying in Michael's bedroom, which makes you, like, the missing link." Too easy. Moving on. She urges Justin to start building that bridge right now, and Justin gets up and walks to the bar. Mike calls Justin "boy wonder," which creeps me out for some reason, and orders a couple of lemon squares. Mike and Brian ignore each other some more. While making up their orders, Justin asks Brian if he's going to say something to Mike. Brian tells Justin to mind his own business. Justin hands Mike his box and tells him that he and Brian should talk. Justin is once again told to mind his own business. Justin then runs over and hands Brian his box of food. Mike opens up his box and discovers a sandwich. Brian opens up his and discovers lemon squares. Nice try, Justin. Justin switches the boxes back and Mike and Brian leave. But not together.
Dave's. Not David and Mike's, okay? Mike opens the door and calls, "Honey, I'm home!" and grins, "I've always wanted to say that." David greets him in the living room with a kiss, and smiles, "And honey, you really are home." The living room is now noticeably devoid of everything Mike put up earlier. I can't believe David actually thinks this is going to fly. Mike says that the place looks different, and David replies, "Yeah. I put a few things away." Mike says, "Yeah. Like, all my stuff." David futzes that it was a bit cluttered. He's still trying to get away with this? David asks how Mike's day was. Mike replies, looking around and figuring out exactly what he can say about the house, that it was a typical day at the Big Q, including Marly's "fag jokes." David laughs and asks what Mike did, and Mike answers, "I told her I was an out and proud homosexual, and if she didn't like it, she could suck my dick." David laughs, but Mike shakes his head and adds, "I didn't do anything." Mike says that Tracy stood up to Marly, and David's happy that Tracy is still his friend. Mike shakes his head and replies, "I didn't say that." David says that at least one good thing came out of Brian's shenanigans, "It made you realize that you belong here with me." Uh-huh. But just him, not his things. David tells him to take off his jacket and get ready for dinner. Mike opens the hall closet door and finds the Astro Mural behind the coats. Nice.
Brian's. Brian's naked in a chair while Justin, straddling him, feeds him ice cream. How very Nine and a ½ Weeks. Justin drips some ice cream on Brian's chest and licks it off, and the two start making out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep it moving. Justin says, "You should eat more, though. My mom says that you're too skinny." Brian's surprised that he's even a topic of discussion, and Justin says: "I told her that you were always skinny, though, even in high school." Brian laughs that Justin doesn't know what he looked like in high school, but Justin's seen Mike's old yearbook pictures. Justin snickers that Brian was a real geek. Brian denies it, but then how does he explain chemistry club? Brian grins, "That's where I learned to build the bomb to blow up the school. But Mikey talked me out of it." Justin replies that it was a good thing Mike was around and, "I bet you wish he was here right now." Brian tells Justin to shut up. Justin gets up to get dressed and continues, "I bet you're secretly wishing that the phone would ring, and it would be him." Brian tells him to knock it off, and takes a swig out of the omni-present bottle of scotch. Brian frowns, "[Mike's] life was just going to hang there like some shirt in a closet that you never wear." Justin nods, "So, you pushed him away." Brian says it was the only thing he could do. Justin points out that Mike hates him now. Brian looks down and replies, "It's okay. As long as Mikey's happy." OH! The Sacrifice! Justin shakes his head and answers, "God. You must really love him." Or something. Brian tells Justin that it's time for him to go, now. Justin snorts, "It always is. Luckily, you can't push me away. I'm on to you." Wow, what a relief. Brian rolls his eyes.
At the community center or church or whatever, Emmett stands on a balcony, watching the hustle and bustle of the "See the Light" group below. Shiny Matt says he's glad that Emmett came -- and I've just got to say that it was fairly savvy of them to use a cutie like him as a recruiter, ya know? On the main floor, a man who looks like Pat's blonder, uh, sibling, starts the meeting by saying, in the thickest lisp known to mankind, "Hi, my name is Ty, and I've Seen the Light." The group enthusiastically replies, "Hello, Ty!" Ty introduces Ginger, their first speaker, who was apparently "in the dark, but now, she's seen the light." A butch woman in a loose tie-dye top and pants -- and I mean, really, people -- stands up and says in a deep voice, "Believe it or not, I used to be a lesbian --" causing Emmett to lean over to Shiny Matt and ask, "Used to be?" Yeah, seriously. Ginger continues, "But thanks to Ty and every beautiful person here, I shed my former corrupt self, and become the new purified heterosexual me." The group claps, and as I'm recovering from the fumes off of all this self-hatred, Ty throws an arm around her shoulder and adds, "As you can see, the only thing that comes out here is the truth." Oh, god, I need to open a window. Emmett leans back over to Shiny Matt and says, "You didn't tell me this was a comedy club." Yeah, but this isn't even close to being funny. Ty continues, "I can tell you, and Ginger can tell you, that what you're hoping for is not an impossible dream. It can come true for you the same way it came true for us! You can change, you can change, you can change!" Did I tell you Ty was in full lisp mode when he said that? Well, he was in full lisp mode when he said that. Emmett snarks, loud enough to be heard, "I'd start with those shoes." Ty and Ginger automatically look down at their feet. Ha! But I'd start with their voices, frankly. Ty picks out Emmett and asks if he has his doubts. Emmett shrugs, 'cause you know, really, okay?? Ty lisps, "Do you and your friends obsess about your bodies and the bodies of other men?"
Emmett flashes back to Ted and Mike watching this Muscled Wonder work out at the gym. Ted drools, "Check out his pecs!" Mike answers, "They're, like, perfect." Brian walks up and drawls, "They're, like, implants."
Cut back to Ty, who lisps, "Do your conversations center around trivialities, such as movie stars?"
Flash back to Mike, Ted, and Brian -- I guess this is from Emmett's point of view -- as Mike laughs, "Did you know Cher had her pussy tightened?" As Brian busts up, Ted asks, "Where did you read that, The Enquirer, or Popular Mechanics?" Hmm. The GM Contingent is looking a little nervous, until the SG crew points out that, uh, WE DISCUSS THE SAME THINGS, TOO. Hello. It's called "hanging out with your friends." What are we supposed to talk about, quantum physics?
Cut back to Ty who lisps (God, that's annoying on, like, soooo many levels), "Are your days and nights spent in gyms and bars, going home with men whose names you don't even know?" The entire Coalition freezes and refuses to look at one another.
Cut back to Mike, Ted, and Brian at the bar, from Emmett's point of view, as Ted laughs, "And he's coming, and he keeps yelling, 'Fred, oh, Fred!'" Mike, who can barely talk, he's laughing so hard, asks, "Fred? Who's Fred?"
Cut back to Emmett, who's looking a little uncomfortable. Ty continues, looking straight at him, "So, maybe you should ask yourself, 'Is this the life I want for me? Is the life God wants for me??'" As Emmett frowns thoughtfully, Ty cocks his head and lisps (and lisps and lisps, gimme a break, already, I GET IT), "Is there a better life?"
David's. He and Mike are getting ready for bed. David asks Mike if he's looking for something, and Mike replies, "Yeah, my beach ball alarm clock." Okay, Dave's really pissing me off now. Instead of telling Mike where he hid his clock, because he's a creepy control freak, he points to one on the nightstand and tells Mike that it's from the Museum of Modern Art Design Collection. Who gives a shit? Mike, getting angry, says, "I thought you said that this was my place, too." Dave tells him that it is, and Mike, getting angrier, replies, "Then how come I don't see any of my things?" David nervously re-ties his robe and babbles, "Michael, uh, you know, your things? They're cute. They're cute, like you. But you know, they, they sort of don't belong." Hmmmm. Like Michael doesn't? David takes a breath and continues, as if he's talking to a five-year-old, "Let me explain by saying this is an architectural house. [What the hell is an 'architectural house'??] Everything has its place, so if you clutter it up, it ruins the aesthetic." Ass. Mike throws up his hands, "Oh, so I'm cluttering it up." David says that's not how he meant it. Mike snaps, "Some of those toys are collector's items! Like my Japanese robots? Or my Bakelite Batmobile? Those were made during World War II, when metal was scarce! And, even if they were worthless, they would still be worth something to me, because I love them. I kind of thought you knew that." David can't say anything as Mike walks out of the room.
The Happiest Funnest House in the Whole World. Melanie opens the door for Ted, who's out of breath. Ted says he ran all the way over, and what's the big emergency? Wait, doesn't he have a car? Unless he means he ran up the driveway, and even then, doesn't he go to the gym regularly? Melanie points back to the living room, where Brian's playing with the baby as Lindsay watches. "He's here every day, showing up for meals, and all of a sudden we're one big happy fucking family!" The Happiest Funnest Family in the whole world! Cut to Brian, who's playing with Gus and the Leather Bear and says to Lindsay, "I don't know, I sense some tension between you and Mel." Lindsay, looking all washed out and frumpy in a big pink robe, shrugs, "Well, she blames me for everything. Including you." Brian snorts, and Lindsay tells him, "You should have kept your promise to give her Gus." Brian sneers, "If she wants a kid, she can have one of her own." Lindsay replies, earnestly, "No, she can't." Oh. Even Brian's taken aback at that one. Lindsay continues, "Gus was supposed to be hers and mine. Not yours and mine." Gus burbles happily on the floor.
At the door, Ted tells Melanie that she always complains that Brian never spends enough time with the baby. Melanie ignores that and tells Ted to do something. Like what? Like get him and Mike back together so Brian will leave his lesbians alone, that's what. Ted wheezes, "Are you kidding? You even mention Michael's name, and he'll tear your head off." Melanie snaps, "Yeah, well that's what I'm about to do to him." Well, I guess any excuse will do.
Back in the living room, Lindsay continues, "She also thinks that I've turned into this cold, unresponsive bitch." Brian asks her if it's true. Lindsay smiles tightly, "Maybe a little." Brian replies, "Well, then maybe you should find yourself some nice fuzzy lezzie with a therapist's license, and work it out." Lindsay says that's what Melanie wants, but when Brian asks her what she wants, she takes a breath and says, "I don't know." A shower and a comb might help, though. Woman looks like she was ridden hard and put away wet. Damn. Lindsay shakes her head, clears her throat, and reaching across the table to her, smiling, "I want a bagel. After that? I don't know. All I know is that if I talk, I might say something I regret." Brian, focused on someone else for once, says that it might be good for her, "Let out some of those nasty demons." Lindsay scoffs, "Oh, but I'm a WASP, from a family of WASPs." Whatever. You're a wimp, is what you are.
Back at the door, Ted, still breathing heavily (Is he a smoker or something?) offers to take Brian to the tea dance at Woody's. Melanie thanks him and kisses him on the cheek. Ted says that he's not really doing it for her, though. "Hanging with Brian? Best thing that's ever happened to my sex life." Yeah, thanks for sharing.
At the Big Q, Tracy walks out of the store for the last time. She passes Marly and says goodbye, and then passes Mike and says, "Goodbye, Mr. Novotny." Tracy's already outside when Mike catches up with her. "Yes, Mr. Novotny?" she asks formally. Mike asks her to stop calling him that. Seriously, she sounds like one of the Agents in The Matrix. She asks what she should call him instead, and Mike replies, "Well, I'm sure you could think of a few things." Word. Tracy says she has to go. Mike tells her that she didn't have to quit, and Tracy asks, "Is there something wrong with the Big Dollar Mart?" Mike says that it's not exactly the Big Q, now is it. Tracy nods, and says, "No, but at least people seem honest there." Meow. She frowns and says, "You probably think this is about you being gay, don't you? Well, I admit, it might have been at first, but that's not the point anymore. Whether you're gay or you're straight, I thought we were friends." Mike says that they are, and Tracy asks, "Well, friends trust each other. What did you think would happen if you told me, that I'd tell everyone at the store?" Uh, yeah. Tracy tells him that she wouldn't have, "don't you know that?" Mike says that he should have, "But when you spend your entire life keeping it a secret . . . you learn to stop trusting people, and it becomes second nature. It kills me that I hurt you, Tracy, I'd do anything to take that back." He asks if they can still be friends. Tracy asks him if he thinks that's even possible. Mike invites her to come back in and have a cup of coffee with him so they can find out. Tracy tells him that that would be nice, but she has to go because she has a date. Mike asks, laughing, "Is he straight?" Tracy smiles, but Mike's butt would sooo be kissing pavement if that were me. He got off way too easy on this one.
The Happiest Funnest House Ever Built. Melanie lies on the couch, playing with Gus. Lindsay's moved to a lounge chair, and she's drawing a sketch of the two of them, I think. It's a little abstract, and like, upside down. But it makes sense, so let's go with that. I'm sure someone on the boards will rerun the tape with their TV turned upside down and confirm or deny it later. Jazz, I'm looking at you. Move away from the TV. Melanie sighs happily that they finally have the house to themselves. Lindsay doesn't say anything. Melanie snorts and says, "By the way, Janet and that dickhead husband of hers? They finally sent us a card congratulating us on Gus's birth. Only took three months." Lindsay throws her this look, half angry, half scared to death, and says, calmly, "You expect too much, Mel." Melanie's like, what? And Lindsay repeats, "I said, you expect too much." Melanie asks, "That my sister would at least acknowledge the birth of our son?" Um. She did, just not soon enough to please you. Lindsay replies, "Of me. You want all my time, all my devotion, and if you don't get it, you think we have a problem. You get angry that I see the baby more than you do. You blame me because Brian wouldn't give you parental rights. I suppose it's even my fault that I can have a child and you can't!" She throws down her pencil in frustration. Melanie says that she's not being fair, but Lindsay's on a roll: "I feel like I spend half of my life apologizing to you, trying to convince you that I love you." Melanie's shocked. Lindsay shakes her head, "Nothing's ever enough! I'm starting to wonder if anything ever could be." Lindsay walks out of the room, and Melanie sighs, holding the baby closer, "Well, I asked you to talk and you did." And then she breaks down and starts to cry. Poor Mel. Well, sort of.
Anyway, back at the gym, Emmett glumly surveys all the mostly naked men in the locker room. It's shot like a time-lapse film, so everyone else is moving really fast, and he's not moving at all. Nice effect. Well, sort of. Frankly, I'd rather have less film tricks and better dialogue, but since it seems I'm getting a little bit of both this time around, I'll let it go this time. So, Ted walks into the gym with his shirt unbuttoned, and I got to tell you, for the first time, he looks like a stud. Why he doesn't just hang at Babylon with his shirt open is beyond me, because he has nothing to be ashamed of. Ted tells Emmett that hanging out with Brian is exhausting, "but it's worth it for the sex." Yeah, cry me a river, liberal. Emmett frowns, "You're having sex with Brian?" Ted says, "Of course not. We have symbiosis." Emmett gasps, "Oh, my god! Is there anything they can do? You mustn't give up hope." Okay, so maybe I spoke too soon about the improved dialogue. Ted laughs, "It's not a disease. It's a perfect relationship -- like the yellow tickbird and the Rhinoceros. The yellow tickbird feeds on the rhinoceros's skin, and in turn the yellow tickbird warns the rhino of impending danger when the tickbird flies away. Similarly, I supply Brian with an object of ridicule, namely myself, and he supplies me with unwanted ticks, uh, tricks." Emmett asks, "You're doing this for castoffs?" Ted nods and says, "In bed, you can't tell. They're as good as new." No. No, they're really, really not. Emmett asks Ted, "Have you ever asked yourself if going to tea-dances at Woody's and having indiscriminate sex with constant strangers is really the life [you] want?" Ted nods, "I have." Watching a naked guy walk past them, he continues, "And the answer is, you bet your ass it is." Emmett replies, "Have you ever asked yourself, 'Is this the life God wants for me?'" Ted says, "No. I suppose in his infinite wisdom, he decided that someone had to live in Pittsburgh." Hah! Emmett asks if he ever wonders whether he could have a better life, and Ted says, "Yeah, I could have a ten-inch dick and look like him." Shudder. Couldja be more shallow, there, Ted? Emmett smiles, but he doesn't mean it.
Comic book shop. Justin walks in, and there's Mike, reading something he found in the bins. Yes, I used to haunt comic book shops as a young girl growing up in L.A. So? You wanna make something of it? Okay, so maybe I drop by the one in Georgetown now and again, too. I stopped buying X-Men years ago, though. Leave me alone. Mike asks Justin what he's doing there, and Justin says that he's looking for him. Mike asks how he found him, and Justin says that first he asked Debbie, then he asked David. Mike snaps, "Is there anyone you didn't ask?" Justin says he asked Brian last. Mike pouts, "What did you do that for? Look, just butt out. This is none of your business." But Justin's not a quitter, as we're all aware, so he continues, "But he said that whenever you feel sad or upset, this is where you come. That just being around all these comics brings the light into your eyes." Mike replies, "He said that?" Justin shrugs that Brian must know him pretty well, and Mike frowns, "Well, he doesn't know me anymore." Justin smiles and says, "Yeah. That's why he got you this." And pulls out the comic Brian got him for his birthday. Mike frowns petulantly and snaps that he doesn't want Brian's "crummy" present. Justin says that Brian misses him and that he's miserable. Mike says that Brian deserves to be miserable. Justin tries again, and says that Brian loves Mike, even though he'd never admit it. Mike says that Brian doesn't love anyone except himself. Even that's debatable, but Mike continues, "He doesn't believe in love, remember?" Justin tells him, "You're the exception. That's why he hurt you, so you'd go back with David. He knew if he didn't, you'd be waiting for him forever." Mike says that's a load of crap, but Justin hands him the comic, and intones, "This was his way of saying goodbye."
The Cult. Ty lisps, "We've got some new friends to meet tonight, whose dark world is about to be illuminated. And afterwards, I'd like for us all to gather into the foyer, and have some incredible brownies baked by my incredible wife." Yeah, you're wife's incredible, all right. The first ex-gay guy stands up and introduces himself, and says, "How I got here isn't important, but I've seen the light." Everyone claps. Emmett stands up, introduces himself, and says, "I just want to say that [camera zooms in] I want to see the light, too." As they clap for him, Emmett smiles wanly.
Babylon! Brian's sitting at the edge of one of the stages, watching the debauchery unfold around him. Most of the HDGBs are holding these big collapsing sphere toys as props. How the heck are you supposed to dance with those? Well, at any rate, they're trying. All of a sudden, Mike walks up to him, smiling. Brian gets up, and turning his back on Michael, asks, "What are you doing here? You're married now." Mike says that he can still look, and Brian retorts, "Yeah, well, what's the good of looking if you can't touch?" You're asking the wrong guy, there, Bri. Mike's still smiling and not moving, so Brian offers to get him a beer. Mike asks Brian how many he's had so far, and Brian answers, "A few." Mike replies, "Too many," and Brian snorts, "Keep track of the doctor, not me." Mike shakes his head, and says, "I never thanked you for my gift. . .Your ward tracked me down and gave it to me." Brian sneers, "Yeah, well, I'll have to punish him severely." Mike says it was the coolest thing he's ever gotten. And way better than Dave's stupid watch, but that's just my opinion.
Mike asks him if he wants to dance, and they do. Mike says that it was weird not talking to Brian; Brian says he didn't think about it. Mike snickers, "I heard you were freaking out." Brian asks who said that, and Mike says, oh, like, EVERYONE. Brian says, "Well, they're all pathological liars, I wouldn't trust them." Mike chuckles, "You are so busted!" Brian asks about him and David, but when Mike asks if Brian really wants to know, Brian grins, "Not in the slightest." Mike says it'll be fine, "Except that he doesn't know that Superman dies in The Crisis on Infinite Earth or that Batgirl is now crippled and in a wheelchair after being raped by the Joker, or - -" Brian interrupts, "Or that for one special day in 1970, Astro Man became Astro Woman." A pair of red high-heels kicks one of the collapsible spheres over to Michael, and Brian grabs it, and puts it over both of their heads. "Give him time," Brian grins. "He'll learn." A kinder, gentler Brian. Interesting. He and Mike boogie away.
David's. David's on the couch reading a comic book as Mike walks in. Mike stops at the door and looks around -- David's unpacked all of his toys and collectibles and made them fit into the living room, like they actually belong there. David says that he feels like he hasn't seen Mike all weekend, and when Mike replies that he hasn't, David adds, "In fact, I think I saw you more when you didn't live here." Mike's delighted at the redecoration, and David shrugs, "Well, I thought the place needed something. A little warmth, a little charm, a little whimsy. A little you." Awww. Mike, trying to compromise, says that they could probably put some of it away. David tells him that the move-in was a big change for him, too, "I suddenly realized that I was 'we' again. That my life was now 'our' life. It kind of freaked me out." Mike nods, "Well, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one scared shitless." Well, I'm kind of creeped out, myself, if it makes you feel any better. David says that he's been reading Mike's comics. Turns out he never got to do that as a kid because his parents didn't approve. Mike grins, "You probably had to read Tolstoy and stuff like that." David laughs that the comics are actually a lot of fun, "Did you know that for one special day in 1970, Captain Astro became Astro Woman?" Mike grabs him and kisses him, and David throws him down on the couch hard enough to start one of Mike's mechanical monkeys clapping its cymbals.
week on Queer as Folk, Melanie meets another lesbian and does forbidden things like smoking and drinking and staying out really late and other stuff that they're not going to tell us about until week. Emmett tells Mike and Ted that he needs to "explore the part of me that isn't gay." And Ted asks, on behalf of the entire world, "And which part, pray tell, would that be?" Shiny Matt tells Emmett that he can't let anyone "divert [him] from the path." A new guy starts working at Brian's agency, and starts working on Brian. Ted yells at Emmett to knock it off with the cult, already, but Emmett says it's The Boys he has to bail on.