“ Mike laughs that it's never too early for fisting, but I gotta tell you, it is in my house. But live and let live. ”
Ladies and Gentlemen: The winner and still champion, HARVEY "The Torch" FIERSTEIN!!!!!
He won. . .right?
Brian's place. Brian's on a treadmill, staring straight at the blown-up pictures on the wall from the party. You remember - - Mike at different ages, looking all cute and happy, Mike and Brian, Brian and Mike. Brian finally turns off the treadmill and picks up the phone. He dials a number and the screen splits in two to show Mike in his apartment, picking up. Mike says hello, but Brian doesn't say anything. I guess Mikey doesn't have caller ID. Good thing he's moving in with Doctor Dave. I don't really mean that, by the way. That was sarcasm. Brian hangs up without answering, and Mike puts the phone back in its cradle. His apartment zooms over to fit the whole screen. Emmett, leaning in the kitchen doorway, asks who called. Without hesitating, Mike answers, "Brian." Hah! Emmett asks what Brian had to say, and Mike says he didn't say anything; he just hung up. Emmett wants to know how Mike could tell it was Brian. Mike says that Brian breathes funny because of a deviated septum. Emmett drawls, "That's not the only thing about him that's deviated." With some of the outfits Emmett's come up with, he really shouldn't talk. Mike, packing up boxes, wonders what Brian wanted; Emmett hopes he wanted to come over and beg Mike's eternal forgiveness. Not likely. Mike shakes his head, "Brian doesn't do apologies." Brian doesn't do a lot of things -- it's a wonder he still does breathing. Emmett says that he certainly should, but Mike replies that it's too late, "he pushed too hard, and now the game is over." I can't believe he doesn't have a clue about what's actually going on. That was fairly random fuckwittage, even for Brian, ya know? Mike says that it doesn't matter, because he's going to be too busy being happy with David to be sad about Brian. Ick. Emmett smiles, "Who would have ever believed it -- you, a married lady!" Mike sighs, hand on his chest, "I prefer the term 'domestic partner.'" Emmett chuckles, and Mike continues, "Who cares what it's called, as long as I have David." Awww. Ick. Emmett cheers, "And I have the apartment!" Mike says that now Emmett can bring home all the tricks he wants without worrying about waking Mike up. Emmett smiles tightly and says that they'll see about that. Mike closes up the last box, and is about to get all sentimental when he remembers he still has to take the big Captain Astro mural off the wall. Emmett gets up to help. Mike nods, "I guess that's really it." Emmett kisses him on the cheek and tells him that he'll always have a place to come back to, which Mike appreciates, since he's, uh, still paying half the rent. Mike starts to hit Emmett in the butt with Captain Astro's hand, until Emmett tells him to knock it off: "It's too early for fisting." Mike laughs that it's never too early for fisting, but I gotta tell you, it is in my house. But live and let live.
Move It Or Lose It
Ryder Ad Agency. Brian walks into his office, followed by his assistant, who gives him his messages: the gym called, his tailor called, Ryder called. Brian snarls, "Fuck the gym, fuck my tailor, and fuck Ryder! And get me some aspirin, because I have a bitch of a headache." Assistant Chick is apparently used to this behavior, and puts the messages down on his desk within scowling range. She notes that it's been about a week without "the usual phone calls from Michael every five minutes. Is he away or something?" Brian snaps, "Yeah, you could say that." Assistant Chick leaves without delving any further.
Cut to Ted walking down some random street in Toronto, er, Pittsburgh. His cell phone rings. It's Brian. Ted's game: "Brian, who?" The screen splits so we can see them both, Ted on the street, and Brian in his office. Brian sneers, "Brian who do you think? That's who!" Ted says he didn't recognize his voice, because Brian never calls him. Ted also reminds Brian that he's not talking to him anyway, I guess because of Mike. Brian rolls right over that observation and asks Ted if he wants to hang out together that evening. That stops Ted cold. "With you??" he asks. Brian's surprised that Ted's surprised. Ted replies it's not like winning the lottery (definitely not) or an asteroid hitting the earth (closer), but yeah. Brian continues, "So, you're not busy?" Eeyore snorts, "Do you have to ask?" Brian demands that they meet at Woody's after work, then hangs up before Teddy can say another word.
At the gym, Ted tells Emmett about his "date" with Brian. Emmett replies that Brian must really be desperate. Ted doesn't take that too kindly, but figures, "Now that he and Michael are no longer friends. . .Brian needs someone new to take for granted, so naturally, he thought of me." You go, Eeyore! Emmett asks him if he's actually going to go. Or, what, waste a perfectly good opportunity to complain about what a loser he is to anyone within listening range? Shyeah, right! Of course Ted's going to go! Ted shrugs, "Maybe I can resolve the great Brian / Michael conflict, and, uh, score with one of Brian's rejects." Ugh, you're so pathetic sometimes, Ted. He and Emmett finish a set of reverse crunches and Emmett frowns, "God, I hate my abs!" In front of him, a scruffy but cute guy smiles, "I love your abs." Emmett's shocked, and looks around to see if Scruffy Guy is talking to someone else. Scruffy guy confirms, "I mean you." Ted fake whispers, "He means you." Snicker. Emmett and Scruffy Guy play twenty questions: "You're name is Emmett, right?" "Right." "You work at Torso, right?" "Right." "Your dentist is Dr. Feldman, right?" Whoa, there, Skippy, stop the bus. How does he know who Emmett's dentist is? Scruffy explains that he was in the doctor's office last week, and he had the appointment after Emmett's. Emmett's grinning now, and Scruffy tells him that he loves the space between his teeth. Awww. Puppy love!
Scruffy introduces himself as Beau. Ted fake whispers, "That's French for 'beautiful.'" Emmett knows. Beau reminds me of this guy I went out with once - - and he was really hot, too. Beau asks Emmett out. Ted laughs, "As if you need to ask!" Emmett says he'd love to, and Ted nods, "As if he'd say no!" But Emmett can't. Both Beau and Ted's faces fall. Emmett thanks Beau for asking. Beau shrugs, disappointed, "Maybe some other time?" Emmett doesn't respond to that, and Beau wanders off. Ted shrieks, "Are you out of your mind?? Guys like us do not turn down guys like him! It's a flagrant violation of the entire gay social structure. They're going to vote you out of the brotherhood." Yeah, the GM / SGWC is even thinking of holding a blackball ceremony of our own. Emmett's crazy. Emmett reminds Ted of his promise to God never to have sex with another man if he tested negative. Dude, I think God will understand! Either that, or I'm going straight to hell. Oh, nuts. Emmett says it doesn't matter what Ted says, "I never want to go through the hell I went through again. And I won't, because someone kept his part of the bargain. Now it's my turn to keep mine."
The Happy Fun House. Melanie's back from work, and Lindsay meets her at the door. The baby's making cranky noises upstairs, and Lindsay tells Melanie to keep it quiet because she just put Gus down. Melanie asks if it's too late to go up and see him, and Lindsay says that she can see him in the morning. Melanie reminds her that Gus is asleep when she leaves for work. Lindsay says that Melanie could leave later, "Or even take the afternoon off." HELLOOOO, Earth to Lindsay! Melanie replies, "The point of my working longer days is so you can stay home." Lindsay snaps that she appreciates how hard Melanie works, which is why she made that totally insensitive comment. Melanie retorts that it would be nice if she showed it, by, I don't know, maybe not making insensitive comments like that. Lindsay says that she thought she was showing her appreciation. Um, when was that, exactly? Lindsay points out that she works too, "taking care of our son?" Catfight! Catfight! Melanie replies, throwing her jacket down on the chair, "Your son and Brian's. I just pay the bills." Oooooh. Don't mess with Mel; her claws are painted jungle red! Lindsay asks if they really have to go through this again, and Melanie shrugs that they can continue to pretend that everything's fine. Lindsay doesn't want to pretend, she just doesn't want to talk about it all the time. Melanie pours herself a drink and replies, "Well, I'm Jewish. And after neo-nazis, there's nothing the Jews fear more than silence." Sure, all right. Lindsay says that she doesn't feel the need to express every little thing she feels. Melanie wishes she'd try "because after that fiasco at Brian's, you've turned off to me physically, emotionally. . ." Oh, please, Melanie's been complaining since way, way, way before Mike's party. St. L. raises her voice to point out that Melanie "turns every little slight into a rejection." Melanie skips over that bit of truth to repeat that Lindsay doesn't want to have sex or talk about what's going on. Lindsay pulls the "I'm a tired new mother!" routine. Melanie snaps, "Well, I'm tired, too! I'm tired of trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong. Of wondering why, instead of feeling closer than we've ever been, I've never felt more alone." See, that's bad. That's something that should really be discussed, and resolved, you know? Lindsay picks up the laundry basket and walks out of the room. Or, you know, not. Melanie asks if she's going to say anything, and Lindsay coughs and asks sweetly, "What would you like for dinner? I can heat up some pot roast."
A pair of red high heels in black stockings walk across the top of the bar, attached to a deep voice hawking Crantini shooters. As the legs pass Brian and Ted, Brian frowns quizzically and peers up and under, trying to determine if it's a girl or a boy, I guess. Like there's any question. Brian and Ted go back to not having a conversation, Brian finishing a beautiful sculpture he's making out of cherries, pineapples, plastic toothpicks, and paper umbrellas. Brian decides to give it the old college try and asks Ted how work was. All of sudden, it's not Ted in front of him, but Mike, who babbles, "Fat Marly had this really incredible hickey, and there was a sale on protein powder, so every queen in the city was there, except for you, of course." Brian sticks his tongue out at Mike. Someone gave Marly a hickey? Are you sure her vacuum didn't just get away from her? The camera cuts back to Ted, who monotones that work was boring, as usual. Ted asks how Brian's day was, and then we're back with NotMikey, who adds, "Don't tell me, you took this client to this really fancy restaurant, and there was this really hot waiter, and he signaled for you to meet him in the linen closet, and he gave you this really amazing blowjob. And then you went back to the table, and the client never knew!" Brian grins, "How'd you guess?" So even in Brian's fantasies, he's the only subject of conversation? Back to Ted, who asks again about work. Brian shakes it off and says that he took a client to lunch and one of the waiters gave him a blowjob in the linen closet. Ted's like, wow, really?? Back to NotMikey, who laughs and calls Brian a liar. Brian frowns, because NotMikey is, uh, not really there. Ted asks Brian if he's talked to Mike. Brian asks what for, and Ted snorts, "Oh, for no other reason than that he's your best friend." Brian replies, "Was my best friend." Ted says that Brian should call Mike, but Brian tells him that they're out of each other's lives for good. A shirtless blond HDGB, standing behind Ted, asks Brian how it's going. Brian replies that he's not interested. Time for Ted to test his theory: Before the HDGB can walk away, Ted pipes up with, "However, I am available for safe sex and estate planning." Brian shoots him a sideways glance, because really, what are the odds? The HDGB pauses for a sec, and then thoughtfully replies, "Actually, I do have some investment questions." Ted and Brian are incredulous, and frankly, I can't believe that it worked either. Ted tells the HDGB, "Well, I'll tell you what. You help me diversify my portfolio, I'll help diversify yours." Brian rolls his eyes, because he usually gets off much better lines. NOT.
David's. David and Mike have just finished getting all of Mike's stuff in the living room. David's a little overwhelmed at how much Mike actually brought with him, especially since Mike's going back for more tomorrow. Mike grins that when he finds something that he likes, he holds on to it. Dave puts his hands together, closes his eyes, and prays out loud, "I hope that applies to me, I hope that applies to me, I hope that applies to me." Whatever. Mike kisses him on the forehead and says that applies to him especially. Warm fuzzy kittens! Mike asks where he should put everything, and David bravely answers, "You decide. It's our place, now." Mike starts looking around for a place to put his classic lunchbox, but David pulls him into his lap and murmurs that Mike can start unpacking tomorrow, "I have plans for us tonight." They start kissing, because they're going to have SEX. Oh, yeah, baby.
The Alley behind Woody's. Brian emerges from the building, and finds a few men standing around chatting, hanging out, and waiting for the big thing to come along. Shortly after Brian lights a cigarette, Ted and the talking HDGB follow. Ted, all excited, asks Brian if he's okay getting home, and Brian smirks, "Yeah, I know the way." Brian looks the other way down the alley, and catches The Look from some guy leaning on wall. Wall Guy nods back further down the alley.
Cut to Dave and Mike in bed. To no one's surprise, Mike's a bottom. And Dave has a really nice butt. He could use a tan, though. But I think we all knew those things before. God. Hi, my name is Camper. I recap gay porn. Sigh. For some reason, the camera pulls back from the bed and focuses on two Captain Astro glasses on the dresser. Symbolism or something. I don't know.
Cut back to Brian and Wall Guy, who have finished their introductions, and creep down another alley off the main alley. Cut back to Mike and David having great sex. Great, but boring, according to Mike.
Cut back to Brian and Wall Guy, who's kissing his way down Brian's chest to his crotch. He undoes Brian's pants, and the camera pans to other couples -- oh, wait, there's a threesome -- in the alley with them. I'm still not seeing why it's necessary to be so explicit, but it's cable, so, whatever. The camera pans back to Brian and Wall Guy, who fakes a good blow job, but it's still a fake, despite what a couple of folks on the message board are wondering. It's like, too low and . . .jerky. Something's wrong with the angle. Okay, I'm stopping now.
Cut back to Mike and Dave coming. Cut back to Brian, coming. Cut back to Mike and Dave cuddling. Mike sighs that he's so lucky, "normally about this time, I'd be coming out of Woody's, waiting in the jeep for Brian to finish getting a blow job so I can drive him home." Wow, that sounds so pathetic. On both their parts, even. David chuckles, because Mikey is his, ALL his, and asks, "And, instead?" Mike sighs, "Instead I'm here with you." Aww. More fuzzy kittens. David whispers into his ear, "I love you, Michael." Awww. Where the hell is my insulin?
Back at Woody's, Brian walks up to his jeep, automatically calling Mike's name. But Michael's not there, so Brian has to be pathetic all by himself. Too bad. Soo sad. Ha. Ha. Ha.