“ Mike still hasn't given David an answer. Mike says that he's still thinking about it. David says that he doesn't want to put any pressure on him. The universe screams back, 'Too late!' ”
Oh! They put the Viewer Discretion Advisory back at the beginning of the episode. Could it be? Yes! Harvey Fierstein's back! Yay! Dear Producers: Pay the man. Make him stay. Love, Camper. Harvey could teach a master's class in suggestive eye rolling, and I'm willing and eager to learn.
Liberty Diner. As Mike and David exit and walk down the street, David tells Mike that his fantasy is waking up to hear someone in the shower, singing softly in order not to disturb him. David says that he gets up, goes into the bathroom, and sees, through the shower door, "the shape of the man I love." Gack. Mike snarks, "Am I conditioning my hair at the time?" Ha! David says he's serious. I think he's got to be kidding. How long have these two been going out, again? Not long enough. Dave repeats his request that Mike move in with him. Mike notices, loudly, that there's an X-Men display in the video store window they're passing. (Chris Potter did the voice of Gambit in the X-Men cartoon series, by the way. My side job as DVD Easter Egg never ends.) Anyway, David persists: Mike still hasn't given him an answer. Mike says that he's still thinking about it. David says that he doesn't want to put any pressure on him. The universe screams back, "Too late!" David adds, "I just believe that when somebody knows what they want, they should go after it. I want you to be coming out of that shower. And I want to know that you're not going to run out." Mike looks like he's wondering where the keys to the shackles are. Dave squeezes Mike's shoulder, asking, "Wouldn't you like that, too?" Getting a little creepy there, Rasputin. Back the hell off. Mike promises to give him an answer soon, and then confirms that he and David are still having brunch the day. As David turns his car alarm off, Mike grins, "No one's ever put me in a fantasy before." David winks at him, "That you know of." Coop, watching with me, notices the apoplectic seizure I'm having on the floor and casually asks what's up. I tell him that these two have been going out for about as long as we have -- it's like if he all of a sudden asked me to move in with him. Behold the snugglebunny's answer: "Wha? Wha, uh, it's too early for that, isn't it?!" Is what I'm saying! And he gets massive credit for not leaving a Coop-sized hole in my doorway when I asked.
The Happy Fun House. Lindsay's raking leaves as Melanie stands by, holding the baby. They wave to a straight couple pushing a stroller in front of the house. Lindsay says that the man stays at home with the baby. Melanie asks who pays the bills. Odd question. If he stays at home, then his wife most likely works, right? Like it just occurred to her, Lindsay continues that she would love to stay at home. Melanie says that it's a good idea -- they can order Chinese food and rent Terms of Endearment. Lindsay explains that, no, she wants to stay home with the baby. Melanie asks about her job; Lindsay breezes, "Do you think anyone ever looks back on their life and said, 'Gee, I wish I hadn't taken that year off to be with the baby.'" Some people don't have a choice, Lindsay. I'm smiling through gritted teeth while I type this, FYI. Melanie reminds her that the plan was for her to go back to work, and for them to get a nanny for Gus, but Lindsay coos, nuzzling the baby, "I know, but I never thought I'd be in love like this." Melanie sighs that it would be great if one of them could stay at home with the baby, but that they don't have the dough. Lindsay unsuccessfully tries to blow off the money issue. Melanie asks if she has another solution, and Lindsay mentions Brian. Melanie narrows her eyes: "After what he did?" Lindsay meekly points out that they wouldn't have Gus without him, and Melanie darkly replies, "And every time I look at [Gus], hold him, kiss him, I realize I have absolutely no rights." A big elephant wearing a sign that says, "You're a lawyer; why didn't you take care of this before he was born?" stomps through the yard unnoticed. Lindsay tells Melanie that she is "every bit as much his parent" as Lindsay is, and Melanie scowls, in her overdramatic, Emperor's March kind of way, "Not every bit. I have no more claims to our son than if he was a total stranger." And with that, she sweeps back into the house with Gus. Dude, it's the least Brian can do. If he wants to be a parent, let him be a parent. He just gave Lindsay $2000 a couple of weeks ago, and there's more where that came from. Use him, abuse him and call him "Dad," I say.
Brian's loft. Justin's giving Daphne (yay! Daphne's back) the grand tour. Daphne's impressed, cause the TV is huge! And Brian has a DVD player! And the furniture's Italian. From Milan. That's in Italy, you know. Justin tells her, "Wait until you see the picture of the naked guy." Just then, Brian opens the bathroom door...naked. Daphne gets some full-frontal Brian, and is understandably flummoxed. Me, too, damn it, her head's in the way. Daphne, move your -- darn it! Brian frowns at her and asks to have a word with Justin. Justin's fairly amused by all this, and joins him back in the bathroom. Brian asks what's going on; Justin explains that he was showing Daphne around. Brian snaps, "This is not the White House! George Washington never slept here." As Daphne surreptitiously checks out Brian's butt, Justin snerks, "He's the only one who hasn't." Brian tells him to keep it down: "Do you have any idea what time it is?" Yeah. It's noon. Crap! Brian was supposed to meet his new trainer in an hour! Brian pushes Justin out of the way so that he can get ready. Justin walks back to Daphne and snorts, "You're just going to have to be more considerate, Daph." Hee. Brian asks whether either of them knows how to make a creatine and soy protein shake. Of course they don't. I've never even heard of "creatine" before. Brian orders Justin to go pour him some guava juice instead. Justin shrugs and heads to the kitchen, Daphne adorably following him. I just love that girl. I can't help it. Daphne asks Justin if he's going home, and Justin asks her what for. Daphne says that she saw balloons on the mailbox, and Justin remembers that it's his little sister's birthday. Justin's not sure he can go back after all that's happened. I can't believe Jennifer didn't mention it or invite him. That's kind of weird. What happened to her "tear down this wall!" philosophy? Brian walks up to the kids, and Daphne hands him his guava juice, smiling shyly. Brian smiles at her, "You'd make an excellent wife." Turning to Justin, he adds, "Then she can dump you." Why wait? Justin swats him. Daphne wrinkles her nose and replies, "Please. I'm never going to get married. Why be tied down?" Brian grins, "I love this girl." Join the club. Brian puts on his sunglasses, grabs his gym bag, and asks Justin what he's going to do today. Justin shrugs, "Smoke some weed. Download porn." I'm not sure if he's kidding. Brian replies, "Well, if you go out, just make sure you set the alarm." Brian kisses Daphne on the cheek, says, "Bye-bye, Darling" to Justin, and takes off. Daphne's one big giggle. "He's to die for!" she tells Justin. See, this is how an addiction to bad boys gets started. You meet one, and he's exciting and nice and cool, but then he disappears before he can show his true asshole colors, and then you're forever walking the earth searching for another one. But of course, when you find another one, eventually they go all Vader on you, and you don't understand why. Oooh, I hate Brian.
At Michael's place, Emmett's just heard the news that Dave asked Mike to move in with him, and he's crying with joy. Emmett asks when it happened, and Mike tells him that it was the week before. Emmett, understandably, wants to know why it took Mike so long to say anything about it. Mike says that he hasn't decided, yet. Emmett shrieks, "Please, what's to decide? The man of your dreams asked you to move in with him!" Mike says that they don't know each other very well and that he doesn't know if they're ready. Do you hear that? "We don't know each other very well, and I don't know if we're ready." Doubt! Reluctance! Clear signs! Emmett answers, "Well, there's plenty of time for that once you move in together!" Did I drop into an alternate universe or something? Mike starts whining about what he'd do with all his stuff; pointing to his big sign of Captain Astro, he asks what the hell he's going to do with it. Good point -- David will eventually get jealous of that, too. Emmett exclaims, "Fuck Captain Astro! You've got Dr. David." Mike says that it's still his home he'd have to leave. Emmett replies, "This dump? You won't look back." Mike tries another tack: if he moves in with David, he might lose touch with the other Boys. Emmett pshaws that, too: "I expect to be invited to fabulous dinner parties at least once a week." Emmett suspects that this is what a "certain someone is going to say, isn't it?" Mike doesn't say anything. Emmett continues, "Well, I say that you deserve to be loved. And don't let any man, queen or Brian take that away from you." That is so not even the issue here.
The back yard of the Taylor Manse. Jennifer's holding forth at Molly's birthday party, helping the little girl blow out the candles on her cake. Molly blows out the candles, and Jennifer smiles, "You're going to get your wish!" And then she gets hers, as Justin walks down into the back yard. Jennifer hugs him, happy that he came, and Justin smiles that he'd never miss Molly's birthday. He asks his mom where Craig is, and is told that his father is hiding upstairs, preparing a lecture on Involved Parenting 101. Molly runs up, gives Justin a hug, and asks, "Whatcha gonna give me?" Nice to see that a sense of entitlement runs in the family. Justin replies, "Permission to live." And then hands her a rolled-up piece of sketch paper, tied with a string. Molly unrolls it, and it's a drawing of her. Yes, Justin gave a little girl a sketch of herself for her birthday. Molly half-heartedly smiles and walks back to her friends. Maybe she was expecting the new Pride March Ken Doll to go with her Fast-Action Blinders Barbie, poor thing. Once Molly has run off, Jennifer asks whether Justin's eating, and then declares that he's staying for dinner. Justin says that it depends on whether Craig wants to see him. Jennifer replies that of course Craig wants to see him: "He's as upset about this as much as you are." Just upset in a different, scorched-earth-must-invade-Poland kind of way. Justin is skeptical, but Jennifer tells him that Craig wants him to come home. Justin says that he wants to come home, too. Jennifer hugs him, again, and is just about to run up and tell her husband the good news when Justin asks, "What about the rules?" Jennifer's face falls as Justin continues, "Not going out, not seeing Brian, not talking about my 'disgusting lifestyle'?" Jennifer futzes, "I don't think he meant it quite that way." Justin and the rest of us ask, "Well, what did he mean?" I, personally, thought he was pretty clear. Jennifer says that Craig just wants everything to be "as it was." Justin says that it can't, because he isn't. Jennifer tells him that she doesn't want him to pretend to be someone he isn't, "but [she] has to consider the needs of the whole family, not just [his] desires." Oh, now she's putting her foot down? Molly calls for Jennifer; she gives Justin one last woeful look before leaving him in the back yard.
The elevator to Brian's penthouse. To no one's surprise, Brian's managed to seduce his personal trainer, and makes out with him as the elevator climbs to the top floor. Oh, my god, the guy's black! Wow, this is some alternate universe I've fallen into. They pull away from each other as the elevator makes it to Brian's floor. Brian pants, "And that was just the warm-up." Trainer Guy's in awe, like he's never been kissed before. Brian -- tracing a finger on Trainer Guy's chest -- continues, "Now we'll do some serious pumping. Focusing on each muscle group, and plenty of reps." Why none of his conquests laugh in Brian's face, I'll never know. Anyway, Trainer Guy's still enthralled as Brian hears his phone beeping like it's off the hook. He can hear this because the door's open, and the door's open because someone broke in and stole everything. The TV. The computer. All of Brian's clothes. Trainer Guy hopefully says, "At least the bed's still here." Riiiiight.