Episode Report Card Camper: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Daddy Dearest
By Camper | Season 1 | Episode 9 | Aired on 02.10.2001
At Brian's penthouse, Brian shaves while Justin takes a shower. Brian's helping Justin with his vocabulary homework. Next word: "Insouciant." It means, "Unconcerned, nonchalant." Hammer time! Justin, just in case we don't get it, says that that's what Brian is: insouciant. I'm going to use that word from now on, just to confuse hell out of people. Brian ignores him and gives the next word, "Sycophant." Instead of saying, "Hey, that's me!" Justin mutters, "Uncaring." Brian, not realizing that they're still on the last word, tells Justin that he gave the wrong answer: "It means 'ass-kisser.'" Justin says that it does not mean that. Brian reads the exact definition: "'One that seeks favor by flattery.'" Brian shrugs, "Ass-kisser." Justin says he doesn't give a rat's ass: how could Brian give up Gus? "He'll think you didn't want him," Justin says. Brian says that Gus would be right to think that. Justin doesn't believe that -- he's seen how Brian acts around the baby. Brian loves Gus. Brian shoots back, "Not everyone is cut out to be a father!" Justin asks Brian what he's going to tell Gus when he grows up; Brian says that he'll just tell him that he donated sperm to his lesbian friends. Justin, putting on shaving cream even though he needs to shave his face about as much as I do, replies, "A boy needs a father." Brian goes straight for the jugular and reminds Justin that he hasn't had a father in almost two weeks, and he's doing all right. Well, he's with you, so that's debatable, Brian. Justin recovers and says that even if Craig gets angry, he's still there, and it's better than not having one at all. Brian's not sure about that -- and neither am I, actually. Quality counts in that regard. But that's just our opinion. Justin tries again, saying that Brian's father must have loved him, even if he didn't always know how to show it. Brian sneers, "Yeah, he knew how to show it, all right, especially after he'd had a few." Intriguing. In a sort of heavy, ham-handed way, but what do you expect? Justin replies, "Yeah, well, at least he didn't give you away." Brian throws down his towel and stalks out of the bathroom, giving Justin his last word: "Garrulous." It means "loquacious. Chatty." Justin asks Brian where he's going. Brian replies, "Out." Justin calls that he thought Brian was going to help him with his schoolwork, and Brian snaps, "If you want help, call your father." Ouch.
Meanwhile, at David's, Dr. Dave's serving the first course. Mike compliments the meal, and Laura laughs, "With one of David's dinners, you don't eat for weeks. Before or afterwards." David says that Mike hasn't learned "all his little secrets" yet. Laura's husband Steve grins, "Like underwear." On a trip they all took together, David brought a whole suitcase of jockey shorts and socks. Mike, in awe: "You all went on a trip together?" The gay couple -- Eddie, a straight-looking guy in a turtleneck, and Javier, his euro trash Versace-shirt-wearing boyfriend -- confirm that they went to Tuscany the year before. "It was fabulous!" The rest of the table giggles about how much prosciuotto Laura tried to get through Customs. Wacky hijinks! Laura asks Mike whether he's ever been to Italy, which he hasn't, although his Uncle Vic has. Eddie asks whether Vic was on business, and Mike replies, "No, AIDS. He went there to die." Everyone freezes. Laura apologizes, but Mike tells her that it's not her fault; Vic just wanted to take his dream trip to Rome, "but then the protease inhibitors kicked in and he's home and he's fine." The table is relieved. And then Mike adds, "Except for some occasional diarrhea." The phrase "socially inept" really doesn't cover it, does it? I keep thinking of that scene from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels when Steve Martin pretends to be Michael Caine's retarded brother; someone needs to put a cork on Mike's fork, pronto. David changes the subject; he says that he'd like to take Mike away, because Mike works really hard. Eddie asks what Mike does, and Mike mumbles, "Retail." Eddie asks where, and Mike admits that he works at the Big Q. Eddie barely represses a snicker. David adds that Mike just became a manager. Laura, trying to be nice, smirks, "The Big Q. Eddie, isn't that what they call you?" The table laughs, and Mike's relieved. David drinks more wine. Laura's husband says that he's actually never been to a Big Q, and Eddie says, "They sell everything you can imagine." Javier adds, "But nothing you'd want to buy." Ohhhhkay. Mitts off the flamethrower. The table goes silent, but Mike's confused. He's pretty sure he recognizes Javier; has he shopped at the Big Q before? Javier sneers, "Hardly." Maybe he should; the only guy I know who looks good in that shirt is Sting. David downs some more wine. Laura quickly changes the subject back to travel, and Eddie proposes that they go to Mykonos in July. Mike, unfortunately, only gets a week off, prompting Laura and Steve to celebrate "the joys of academia," because Laura gets the whole summer off. ["She isn't expected to use that time doing research and writing papers? 'Publish or perish'? Ring a bell? Whatever." -- Wing Chun] David quickly changes the subject once more -- this time back to the next course, a seafood paella. He asks whether everyone is fine with shellfish, which jogs Mike's memory: "That's where I know you from -- from the White Party!" He tells Javier, "You gave me crabs!" Eddie sets his glass down hard. Mike actually said that. In front of everybody. I know Javier was being an asshole, but damn, Man! David coughs and asks whether anyone wants more wine. Only if you're going to pour it over Mike's head.
At the Happy Fun House, Melanie walks into the bedroom, wearing only a towel. Lindsay's already in bed, naked. Melanie opens the towel and we get some fully frontal lesbian. Could it be? Lindsay chuckles that Melanie's in a good mood. Melanie replies, "I'm finally going to be an official, fully signed, sealed, and delivered Mom." Lindsay smiles that she was the one who actually delivered. They start making out -- Melanie saying that she can't believe Brian agreed to it, St. L. replying that it couldn't have been easy for Brian to give in. Melanie says that he didn't even seem to care. St. L.'s like, oh, he cared all right. He loves Gus. Obviously he loves Gus. Melanie replies, "All that matters is that Gus is finally ours." And that's enough talk -- bring the sex! Which they have! With music, even! Lindsay nearly pulls down the brass headboard. Not bad.