Tonight's Guest Host: Bruce Davison. My own personal "Hey! It's That Guy!" Can never remember what I've seen him in, but a check of imdb.com shows that he, too, has gay creds: He starred as David in the 1990 movie Longtime Companion, about a group of friends dealing with the onset of the AIDS crisis. Whoever writes these "previouslys" really needs to...not: "In a spell of homophobic rage, Justin's dad smashes Brian's face, and gives Justin an ultimatum: Justin must come home now, or never again. Now, Pretty Boy Brian [that would make a great boxer's name] has to face the consequences of his relationship, as Justin's mom makes clear when she delivers the boy's clothes to Brian. On another front, Michael wants to snag a promotion at work, and the only way he thinks he can do it is to continue his charade, by bringing his 'lady' -- the poor, unsuspecting [and let's not forget Shit Out of Luck] Tracy -- who's beginning to think she's 'going with' Mikey, to the boss's party. Now, faced with responsibility for Justin, Brian is forced to become an adult, which is the last thing this Peter Pan wants. It turns out that Michael gets the gig, but was it worth lying about who he is? The truth is bound to come out sometime -- maybe this week, on Queer as Folk."
Yeah, well, at least these blurbs are short. There's a bright side to everything, I guess.
Mike and Emmett's place. Emmett's having cybersex. Sigh. He's like, naked, at a table, with a laptop computer, typing with his left hand, and masturbating with his right. He and "usemyhole27," the guy he's chatting with, both type really well with only one hand. I can't type that well with one hand, especially my left one. There's a towel by the laptop, too, so Emmett must have been a boy scout once. On a side note, Coop just walked up to me, read the above, and gleefully said, "Wow, I can't wait to tell everyone that my girlfriend writes porn." I corrected him -- I don't write porn, I recap porn. There's a difference. After everyone's come (cum? Ejaculated? I feel like Peter Jennings trying to get through the Monica Lewinsky scandal), usemyhole27 asks Emmett when the two of them are going to "hook up for real." Emmett's a little taken aback -- for real? He hastily escapes out of the chat room.
Liberty Avenue. At Woody's, The Boys are playing pool. Ted's taking his sweet time shooting the ball, going on and on about how pool is an exact science, or something. Brian and I are like, whatever, you freak, would you just shoot the ball?! Brian tries to get Mike to take over, but Mike has to meet Dr. Dave. Brian asks why Mike never meets him in the 'hood. Mike snorts, "Because he doesn't like my friends?" He's talking about you, Brian. Dr. Dave doesn't like you, you self-absorbed gum hoarder. Ted adds, smiling at Brian, "I don't like your friends." Me neither, except for Ted and Emmett. That leaves you, Brian. Brian asks if Dave has any friends. Before Mike can answer, Ted finally sinks a ball. Brian tells him not to get so excited, because Ted's playing stripes, and unfortunately, the ball is not. Mike says that of course Dave has friends! Mike's just never met them. Brian sneers that maybe David doesn't want Mike to meet them. Justin walks up with a drink in his hand. Emmett shakes his head and takes it away from him. Mike snaps at Brian, "Well, at least his friends are his own age." How would you know? Brian asks Justin what the hell he's doing at the bar: "I thought it was a school night." Justin points out that Brian's there. Brian: "I'm a grown-up." Justin shrugs, "Barely." Just doing my heart proud, that boy. Brian tells him to go home. Justin shakes his head, and mouths the word "no." Then he sticks a condom in this teeth, and waves bye-bye to The Boys. Justin's looking for his own fun. Good on ya, bunny. Mike gripes, "What is this, 'adopt-a-trick'?" Brian replies that it's only temporary. Mike: "What, until he grows up?" If Justin's on the same schedule as Brian, that could be awhile. Mike grumps off, Brian calling after him, "Tell the Doc we miss him." Yeah, uh huh. Sure thing.
Ted and Emmett walk to Ted's car. Emmett nods in the direction of a young man leaning on another car and says, "That could be him," meaning, usemyhole27. Ted asks, "Does that mean twenty-six guys have used his hole before you?" Emmett explains that he's talking about his cyber-boyfriend: "The best cyber-sex I never had. But it's over now." Emmett continues that since umh27 wants to meet him, and Emmett's nothing like his profile -- "smooth, big...four percent body fat, uncut" -- they can't get together. Ted thinks and muses, "I think I did it with you last week." Um. Uh. Emmett: "Really? [Pause] How was I?" Ted shrugs as if to say, "Not bad." Okay, that just ain't right. Ted asks if Emmett's considered telling the truth, and Emmett shoots back, "What, that I'm a big nelly bottom who wishes he were a beefy, brutal top?" He sighs and gets into the car. The car's a silver Mustang convertible. Go Ted!
The Happy Fun House. Melanie's bouncing Gus on her shoulder. Gus is not a happy baby, and not too well, either. Lindsay's on the phone, frantically trying to reach Gus's doctor. Melanie interrupts her to say he's throwing up again. Lindsay's having a little trouble getting the answering service to connect her directly to the doctor; Melanie grabs the phone and is just enough of a bitch to make it happen. She gives Lindsay back the phone, and Lindsay tells the doctor that Gus is vomiting and has a really high fever. The doctor tells her to take him to the hospital right away. Melanie, still holding the baby, says that she'll get the keys while Lindsay gets his blanket.
Meanwhile, at Brian's penthouse, Justin's on the phone as Brian gets back from Woody's. Justin tells the person on the line, "You mean it?" and then grins at Brian, "My mom says 'hi.'" Snicker. Brian grins sardonically, and Justin tells his mother that Brian says "hi" back. Justin asks Jennifer whether Craig asks about him, and if Mad Dad's still mad. The answer is apparently not favorable. Jennifer asks Justin to come home, but Justin says that he can't. Justin tells Jennifer to give his sister a kiss for him, and then hangs up, tearing up a little. Brian tells him that it's not worth crying about. Justin blames his allergies. Brian: "You're father's an asshole who treats you like shit, and practically killed me. I say, forget about him." Huh. By that description, the only real difference between Brian and Craig are the violent tendencies. Justin asks Brian whether he could ever forget about his dad like that, and Brian says that he already has. According to Brian, he doesn't see his dad, or talk to him: "What, just because he got my mother pregnant, there's supposed to be some special bond between us? He served his purpose." ["Hm, that sounds familiar. Oh yeah, because I've described my own biological father that way! To him, in fact!" -- Wing Chun] Justin says that he could never think of his father like that, and Brian sneers, "Then you'll always be hurt." Gasp! Break the Cardinal Kinney Rule? Never! The phone rings. Justin answers it; it's Lindsay. Justin hands Brian the phone, saying that Lindsay sounds upset.
At David's, Mike's fiddling with a framed picture when David leaps on him, biting his neck. "I don't know why," David growls, "I see you, and I just want to take a bite." Yeah, well, I just ate, so knock it off. Mike asks who David was talking to on the phone, and David says that it was his ex-wife, Lori, and that he told her all about Mikey: "I told her you were smart, you were funny, and you were sexy." Well, two out of three ain't, I mean, one out of three...no, that is bad. Mikey grins, "I thought you stopped lying to your wife." Gotta love a man who knows his limitations. David tries to get him to come to bed, but Mike wants to know about the people in the picture: "They look nice. They look straight." Dave says that it's a picture of him and his friends on New Year's Eve, and that two of them are straight and married. Dave asks Mike whether he wants to meet them. Mike asks if Dave wants Mike to meet them. Dave asks him what's up. Mike says that he's beginning to feel like "someone's little secret," because it's always just the two of them. David sweetly replies that he hasn't really been in the mood to share Mike, and Mike backs off. David then, of course, offers to invite his friends over for a dinner party on Saturday, and to introduce Mike to them. This makes Michael nervous. That's what you get for asking, Num-num. David says he wants "the gang" to meet him and get to know him. Mike shakes his head, and the two laugh and chase each other up the stairs.
Back at Mike and Emmett's, Emmett is about to delete his screen name. All of a sudden, he hears, "Hey! What the fuck are you doing?" Emmett whirls around to find a really cute guy snarling at him from the doorway. Emmett, startled, asks him who he is; the guy repeats the question, "Why are you deleting me?" Emmett says that he's deleting his screen name; the guy says that he IS Emmett's screen name, "Pitts9X6." Emmett figures that Mike or Ted put the guy up to this. It's either that, or David E. Kelley got his mitts on this episode. Pitts -- dressed in nothing but high cut-off jeans shorts -- turns around and shows Emmett that he is indeed six foot two, a hundred and ninety-five pounds, smooth, and has only four percent body fat. He's really attractive, and he's making me uncomfortable. Emmett chitters on about this being some big joke, while Pitts flexes his chest muscles, and then, tired of Emmett's whining, unzips his pants to show that he is, indeed, uncut. All nine inches of him. Emmett decides to believe him, but figures he's dreaming. Pitts starts to look through Emmett's pornos, one of which is called "Dawson's Crack." I get an image in my mind of James Van Der Beek mooning Josh Jackson, and oh, god, that's really funny. Dawson's Crack. Damn. Emmett decides that he's going crazy, and asks what Pitts wants. Pitts repeats that Emmett was about to delete him, and Emmett explains that he's done with him. Pitts whimpers, "But I'm a hottie and everyone wants me!" Oh, fantastic -- another Brian clone. Delete him. Now. Emmett says that's the problem -- everyone wants the fantasy, not the reality: "My screen name has more fun than I do." Pitts has a proposition: if he teaches Emmett to be a "beefy brutal top" like him, Emmett will let him live. Emmett says that he's not like Pitts, and Pitts smiles, "Well, I came from somewhere, didn't I?"
The Emergency Room. Lindsay and Melanie explain Gus's symptoms to the doctor, who then asks which one of them is Gus's mother. That stops them cold, and Lindsay has to explain that she is Gus's birth mother, but that she and Melanie are raising him together as a couple. That draws a sharp glance from the nurse behind the desk. There's always one, isn't there? The doctor asks whether they have adoption papers; Lindsay's confused, but Melanie knows that he's asking whether or not Melanie's formally adopted Gus. She hasn't, so she has to stay in the waiting room. Like a dog. Ugh. Harsh. Melanie turns around and realizes that she left Gus's baby bag on the counter; she asks the nurse whether she may really quickly give it to Lindsay. The nurse sneers, "Look, Miss -- or whatever you are -- I believe that it was already explained to you that only the child's parents or legal guardian are permitted to be with him." And then goes back to her paperwork. "Or whatever you are"?! I don't think so! Melanie, almost crying, bites off, "And I believe it needs to be explained to you who loves him and feeds him, and walks him and changes him and cleans up shit, and pays the bills ...I stay up half the night worrying that he'll grow up happy and healthy and loved, so don't you tell me I have no right to be with him, you vicious homophobic cunt!" You go, Melanie! Brian wanders in at the end of that, and asks Melanie what's going on. Melanie, crying -- and amazingly relieved to see him -- says that they won't let her go with the baby; she's not "legal, or something. [She's] not anything, apparently, except going crazy here." ["I can't believe that a lawyer wouldn't have anticipated that this would happen eventually, and arranged an adoption long ago." -- Wing Chun] Brian hotly asks the nurse, "What, is that your fucking bureaucracy?" The doctor walks out, and Melanie eagerly tells him that Brian is Gus's father. The doctor says that he'll take Brian back; Brian insists that Melanie go, too. Melanie knows that's not going to fly, and tells Brian just to go and give the baby his blanket. The doctor rolls his eyes, tired of dealing with the complicated gay people. I say, if you're going to hate her, hate her for the unrestrained yelling, not because she's gay. Who cares about that?
The day, The Boys are gathered at the Gym. For some reason, the camera lingers on Brian's crotch while he works the thigh press machine. Well, I know the reason, but seriously, TMI, dude. Brian sighs, "Not even six months old, and my kid's already a drama queen." Ted replies, "Well, at least you know he's yours." Mike says that Brian should be grateful that Gus is all right. Brian complains about having to go to the hospital by himself, because Michael turned his cell phone off. Yes, God forbid Mikey have his own life. Except Mikey doesn't call it a "life," he refers to it as "a crisis," specifically the dinner party David's throwing, so that Mike can meet David's friends. Two of whom are a straight couple. Brian laughs, "He eats with straight people?" Ted snorts, "Yech! You never know where their hands have been!" Ha. Ha. Ha. Emmett's not sure what the problem is. The problem is that Mike doesn't know what to talk about, and I'd like to add that's on a good day, even, so lord knows he's screwed. Ted's not even sure what their little merry band talks about, and Emmett muses, "What we've done. Who we've done. Who we want to do." Mike explains that it's different, because David's friends are "professors and doctors, and things." Ted points out, "We're things. Ad execs, accountants --" But he's at a loss to explain Emmett's profession. Emmett's like, hello, "Couturiers to Disco trash?!" How could you forget something like that? Mike says that the real problem is that it's going to be obvious that Mike doesn't fit in. Painfully so. Ted smiles, "Then we'd better get busy. Right, Professor Higgins?" Emmett grins, "Right, Pickering. We'll turn [Mike] from a simple flower girl into a lady." Just then, Pitts9X6 come up behind Emmett and whispers, "Speaking of which, let's get to work." Emmett grits through his teeth, "What are you doing here?" Pitts replies, "Turning you from a candy-ass into a stud. So, let's see you spread 'em. Now!" Emmett jumps, and starts up again on his machine. thing you know, Pitts will be following him to McDonald's, ripping a McRib out of his hand. The Boys notice that Emmett's working extra hard, and Mike asks, "What's with G.I. Jane?" Snicker. Ted retorts, "If he's not careful, he might actually break a sweat. Or a nail." They can't see Pitts, because Emmett's the only one that watches too much Ally. The first person that breaks into song, and I swear to God, the TV gets it. I mean it. Don't test me.
The Happy Fun House. Lindsay walks into the living room and tells Melanie that Gus is sleeping. Melanie's sulking on the couch, and Lindsay asks her what she's thinking. Melanie mutters, "Hebrew School." Lindsay laughs, "He's a little young, isn't he?" That gets a chuckle, but then Melanie explains that her rabbi used to say, "If you ever forget you're a Jew, a non-Jew will remind you." She says that she wondered what he meant, until some little girl called her a JAP on the playground. That's short for "Jewish American Princess," just in case someone out there doesn't know. Melanie said that she'd forgotten she was different until that moment, and she'd forgotten again until they were in the Emergency Room the night before. Lindsay replies that the staff had no right to react as they did. Melanie replies that they did, adding, "We have a right, too. To protect ourselves. We have to talk to Brian." Lindsay looks a bit hesitant about that.
At Brian's penthouse, The Boys, plus Justin, are giving Mike dining etiquette lessons. Well, The Boys are; Justin's mostly torturing Mike. Emmett's testing Mike on his forks, and Justin, playing Gameboy, tells Mike to go from the outside in. Brian reminds Justin that he's supposed to be studying for a test tomorrow. Justin ignores him. Emmett asks Mike where the bread plate is, and Justin drawls, "On your left." Mike reached for the wrong thing. Emmett, ignoring the child, asks Mike where his water glass is. Justin drawls again, "On your right." Mike and Emmett glare at him, because Mike reached for the wrong thing again. Justin smiles angelically. Ted changes the subject to conversation topics: "Stay clear from religion because you never know where anyone stands; avoid politics like the plague; and you should probably steer clear of the economy as well." Brian snorts that Mike should be fine, because he never talks about those things, anyway. Mike barks in frustration, "Well, what do I talk about, then?" Justin, still playing on his Gameboy, says that movies are a good topic: "If you want to appear current without appearing controversial." Mike replies, "I saw X-Men six times." Hmm. Maybe not. Justin busts up laughing. Ted sighs that he doesn't quite think that's highbrow enough to impress David's friends. (Sidebar: Bruce Davison was in X-Men, too: Senator Kelly, the mutant-phobe.) Brian, probably worried that no one's talking about him, says that they're making too big a deal out of all this. Emmett tells Mike all he has to remember is, "Utensils work from the outside in." Ted adds, "Remember not to talk about anything that matters." Brian ends the advice: "Don't talk with your mouth full." Mike asks what he does if he burps, and Justin sighs, "Just cover your mouth with your napkin and say 'excuse me' to no one in particular." Jennifer's trained him well. Emmett tells Mike just to be himself, but Mike's pretty sure that he's going to screw up somehow. Brian pats him on the cheek, and says, "That's what he means -- be yourself." Peachy.
At the Happy Fun House, Brian's Lesbians nervously dither over the tea as Brian and Justin wait in the living room. Lindsay tells Melanie to let her talk to Brian, and Melanie agrees, "I won't say a thing." Good advice. Go with that. In the living room, Brian's being adorable with the baby again. Such a cute baby! I have no idea why Justin's there, except that maybe since Brian doesn't know what's up, he let Justin tag along. Brian, bouncing the baby, says, "He looks fine to me. Aren't you, sonny boy?" Melanie, breaking her promise, laughs, "Well, that's the way it goes -- yesterday, life and death; today tea and cookies." Justin says the tea is good, and Lindsay automatically replies that it's a mix, but then looks like she isn't sure if she's replied to Justin or Melanie. She chooses Melanie, saying, "It just teaches you to be prepared." That could go for the tea, too, actually. You run out of the tea you want, and then you have to mix what's left together so you'll have enough to serve at your awkward tea party. I don't know. I thought it was a clever double meaning, though. Brian asks what they need to be prepared for. Lindsay reminds him about the nurse the night before, and Brian says that she was really a bitch. Melanie thanks him. And smiles, even. Brian asks what the two of them are getting at. Lindsay expositions that they talked about it before the baby was born, but didn't get around to it: Melanie wants to petition for second-parent adoption. Justin asks what that is, and Melanie explains that it would basically make Melanie Gus's legal guardian. Brian blanches at the words "biological parent" during Melanie's explanation. Lindsay continues, haltingly, that in order for that to happen, Brian has to sign papers giving up his parental rights. Justin's shocked: "No way! He's Gus's dad!" Lindsay says no one's saying that Brian isn't Gus's dad, and that he'll always be a part of the baby's life. Melanie and St. L. wait expectantly for his answer. Brian, looking only at his son, finally says, "You don't have to convince me. Just tell me where to sign." Justin's outraged, but Brian says that Gus will be better off. Lindsay looks a bit disappointed that Brian gave it up so easily. Brian asks what he has to do, and Melanie says that she'll have the papers drawn up. Justin tells Brian that he can't do it, and Brian snaps at him to stay out of it. Justin yells, "You're his father!" Brian replies, "And I'm teaching him a lesson -- don't count on your old man." This has backstory written all over it. The camera cuts to the cutest baby in the whole wide world, and then back to Brian's Lesbians. Lindsay looks like she's regretting the whole thing, but Melanie's ecstatic.
Babylon! It's Mixed Group Hula Hoop Night! Every other person is dancing with a hula hoop, and half of them are women, so maybe tonight's the night they invite the lesbians. Emmett and Ted boogie over near the stage. Ted's idea of boogie-ing is to bounce up and down rhythmically with his fists clenched at his sides. I think that's pretty self-explanatory. Emmett, wearing a yellow shirt with red polka dots on it, sways to the music with his right arm held up high and his eyes closed. Ted asks him what he's doing, and Emmett replies, "I call it the 'Praise Jesus.'" Ha! Ted tells him that he looks like he's hailing a cab. Ted's obviously never been to church in Northeast DC. Pitts shows up, and tells Emmett that he calls it "the worst dancing [he's] ever seen." Emmett, all bravado, snorts, "Who asked you?" Ted -- because he doesn't know that Emmett's lost his damn mind -- replies, "Don't get sore. I'm just kidding." Pitts asks whether Emmett's seen anyone that he thinks is hot. Emmett shrugs, "I haven't seen so many dogs since 101 Dalmatians." Ted points out a cute guy over by the stairs. Emmett, honey, you're talking out loud to your imaginary friend! SHHHHHH! Pitts adds, about Stair Guy, "I'd like to housebreak him." Emmett says that Stair Guy's all right. Ted replies, "Translation: neither of us has the guts to go after him." Pitts snorts, "Speak for yourself, loser." Hey. Back off Ted, all right? Pitts drags Emmett over to Stair Guy, pushes Emmett into the other man, and tells Emmett to go for it. Emmett's beer got spilled all over Stair Guy, so Stair Guy's all WTF? Pitts tells Emmett to offer to lick the beer off Stair Guy's chest. Stair Guy snaps that he'd rather have a napkin. Emmett hands him a napkin. Hee hee. Pitts, frustrated, tells Emmett to ask Stair Guy if he wants to go home with them. Him. Whatever. Emmett stutters, "Hey, Dude." Then he mutters, "I never say 'dude.'" Pitts prompts him to say, "I can tell you want it bad." Which Emmett does, but then he laughs and pointing backwards, adds, "He's making me say all this." Stair Guy shakes his head and snarls, "Fucking weirdo!" and stomps off. Pitts sneers, "Well, that was the most stunning display of ineptitude I've ever witnessed." Ted walks up and asks how it went. Emmett screams at Pitts to fuck off, but Ted thinks he's talking to him. And it's all really, really dumb.
At David's house, David and his friends are in the middle of the living room, drinking wine and laughing. The doorbell rings, and, Laura -- a redheaded earth sister type -- sidesteps David to answer it. It's Michael, shoulders hunched up, looking tiny, tiny, tiny in his blue button-down and black slacks. Aw, man, he's doomed. Laura smiles, "At last. The boyfriend." She introduces herself, and Michael apologizes for being late. "Nonsense," she replies sweetly, "you're fashionable." She whispers, "I've known David forever, so if there's anything you need to know about him --" David interrupts, "Don't listen to Dr. Laura!" Laura fake groans that she hates when he calls her that -- she does have a doctorate, but it's in Economics. Mike's looking a little pale, but a little better when David kisses him hello. "Excuse me, sir," Mike snarks, "do I know you?" Cute. Laura says that Mike's funny, and adorable. She goes back to the group, and Mike says, "I have nervousness on my nervousness." David says that Mike shouldn't worry; Laura loves him, just like everyone else will. Mike: "Why's that?" and David answers, "Because I do," and then kisses Mike again. Okay, Chris Potter is starting to grow on me as a gay man. Wait, that sounded weird. You know what I mean. He and Sparks seem to be loosening up around each other -- maybe they had a wrestling match or something. Downed some brews. Checked out some chicks. I don't know. Moving on.
At Brian's penthouse, Brian shaves while Justin takes a shower. Brian's helping Justin with his vocabulary homework. word: "Insouciant." It means, "Unconcerned, nonchalant." Hammer time! Justin, just in case we don't get it, says that that's what Brian is: insouciant. I'm going to use that word from now on, just to confuse hell out of people. Brian ignores him and gives the word, "Sycophant." Instead of saying, "Hey, that's me!" Justin mutters, "Uncaring." Brian, not realizing that they're still on the last word, tells Justin that he gave the wrong answer: "It means 'ass-kisser.'" Justin says that it does not mean that. Brian reads the exact definition: "'One that seeks favor by flattery.'" Brian shrugs, "Ass-kisser." Justin says he doesn't give a rat's ass: how could Brian give up Gus? "He'll think you didn't want him," Justin says. Brian says that Gus would be right to think that. Justin doesn't believe that -- he's seen how Brian acts around the baby. Brian loves Gus. Brian shoots back, "Not everyone is cut out to be a father!" Justin asks Brian what he's going to tell Gus when he grows up; Brian says that he'll just tell him that he donated sperm to his lesbian friends. Justin, putting on shaving cream even though he needs to shave his face about as much as I do, replies, "A boy needs a father." Brian goes straight for the jugular and reminds Justin that he hasn't had a father in almost two weeks, and he's doing all right. Well, he's with you, so that's debatable, Brian. Justin recovers and says that even if Craig gets angry, he's still there, and it's better than not having one at all. Brian's not sure about that -- and neither am I, actually. Quality counts in that regard. But that's just our opinion. Justin tries again, saying that Brian's father must have loved him, even if he didn't always know how to show it. Brian sneers, "Yeah, he knew how to show it, all right, especially after he'd had a few." Intriguing. In a sort of heavy, ham-handed way, but what do you expect? Justin replies, "Yeah, well, at least he didn't give you away." Brian throws down his towel and stalks out of the bathroom, giving Justin his last word: "Garrulous." It means "loquacious. Chatty." Justin asks Brian where he's going. Brian replies, "Out." Justin calls that he thought Brian was going to help him with his schoolwork, and Brian snaps, "If you want help, call your father." Ouch.
Meanwhile, at David's, Dr. Dave's serving the first course. Mike compliments the meal, and Laura laughs, "With one of David's dinners, you don't eat for weeks. Before or afterwards." David says that Mike hasn't learned "all his little secrets" yet. Laura's husband Steve grins, "Like underwear." On a trip they all took together, David brought a whole suitcase of jockey shorts and socks. Mike, in awe: "You all went on a trip together?" The gay couple -- Eddie, a straight-looking guy in a turtleneck, and Javier, his euro trash Versace-shirt-wearing boyfriend -- confirm that they went to Tuscany the year before. "It was fabulous!" The rest of the table giggles about how much prosciuotto Laura tried to get through Customs. Wacky hijinks! Laura asks Mike whether he's ever been to Italy, which he hasn't, although his Uncle Vic has. Eddie asks whether Vic was on business, and Mike replies, "No, AIDS. He went there to die." Everyone freezes. Laura apologizes, but Mike tells her that it's not her fault; Vic just wanted to take his dream trip to Rome, "but then the protease inhibitors kicked in and he's home and he's fine." The table is relieved. And then Mike adds, "Except for some occasional diarrhea." The phrase "socially inept" really doesn't cover it, does it? I keep thinking of that scene from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels when Steve Martin pretends to be Michael Caine's retarded brother; someone needs to put a cork on Mike's fork, pronto. David changes the subject; he says that he'd like to take Mike away, because Mike works really hard. Eddie asks what Mike does, and Mike mumbles, "Retail." Eddie asks where, and Mike admits that he works at the Big Q. Eddie barely represses a snicker. David adds that Mike just became a manager. Laura, trying to be nice, smirks, "The Big Q. Eddie, isn't that what they call you?" The table laughs, and Mike's relieved. David drinks more wine. Laura's husband says that he's actually never been to a Big Q, and Eddie says, "They sell everything you can imagine." Javier adds, "But nothing you'd want to buy." Ohhhhkay. Mitts off the flamethrower. The table goes silent, but Mike's confused. He's pretty sure he recognizes Javier; has he shopped at the Big Q before? Javier sneers, "Hardly." Maybe he should; the only guy I know who looks good in that shirt is Sting. David downs some more wine. Laura quickly changes the subject back to travel, and Eddie proposes that they go to Mykonos in July. Mike, unfortunately, only gets a week off, prompting Laura and Steve to celebrate "the joys of academia," because Laura gets the whole summer off. ["She isn't expected to use that time doing research and writing papers? 'Publish or perish'? Ring a bell? Whatever." -- Wing Chun] David quickly changes the subject once more -- this time back to the course, a seafood paella. He asks whether everyone is fine with shellfish, which jogs Mike's memory: "That's where I know you from -- from the White Party!" He tells Javier, "You gave me crabs!" Eddie sets his glass down hard. Mike actually said that. In front of everybody. I know Javier was being an asshole, but damn, Man! David coughs and asks whether anyone wants more wine. Only if you're going to pour it over Mike's head.
At the Happy Fun House, Melanie walks into the bedroom, wearing only a towel. Lindsay's already in bed, naked. Melanie opens the towel and we get some fully frontal lesbian. Could it be? Lindsay chuckles that Melanie's in a good mood. Melanie replies, "I'm finally going to be an official, fully signed, sealed, and delivered Mom." Lindsay smiles that she was the one who actually delivered. They start making out -- Melanie saying that she can't believe Brian agreed to it, St. L. replying that it couldn't have been easy for Brian to give in. Melanie says that he didn't even seem to care. St. L.'s like, oh, he cared all right. He loves Gus. Obviously he loves Gus. Melanie replies, "All that matters is that Gus is finally ours." And that's enough talk -- bring the sex! Which they have! With music, even! Lindsay nearly pulls down the brass headboard. Not bad.
Brian walks down an unfamiliar street and into the IGE Union Hall, approaching a table where four older men are playing poker. Brian walks up behind him and says, "How are you doing, Pop?" Brian's dad has silver hair, glasses, and looks like he might have been quite the looker in his day. His dad tells Brian to say hello to "the guys," and Brian rolls his eyes and says, "Hello, Guys." Brian's dad folds soon after, and buys "Sonny Boy" a scotch. Pop Kinney asks how Brian's job is going, and Brian replies that he can't complain. Pop Kinney snorts, "Leave the complaining to the warden. If it was up to her, I'd never have any fun." I assume that's Ma Kinney he's referring to. Pop Kinney says that he's a little short, and Brian slides him an envelope filled with cash. Pop Kinney says that Brian's a good boy, and that he'll pay him back every penny. Brian says that he knows he will. Pop tells Brian, "Don't work too hard, now. You've got to leave some time for the ladies." Brian nods, rolling his eyes, "Oh, I always leave time for the ladies." Time to leave them alone, that is. Pop admonishes him to not let "them" tie Brian down. Brian tells him he's got it all under control. But, honestly, what a complicated person Brian is turning out to be, huh? Pop Kinney adds that he and Brian are a lot alike; neither of them is meant to settle down: "Sometimes I look in the mirror and say to myself, Jack Kinney, you stupid son of a bitch, why did you ever become a family man?" Nice. Brian, resigned, asks why Pop married his mother and had Brian in the first place. Pop sighs, "Jesus, you're a smart kid, you never figured it out?" I guess Brian got the order wrong -- first came baby, then came marriage. Brian's about to stomp away, but his father coerces him into staying and having another drink.
At Mike and Emmett's, Emmett's complaining to Pitts that everyone thinks he's gone crazy because he's talking to imaginary people. He's going to delete Pitts, just like he should have done in the first place. Pitts reminds Emmett of all the hot cybersex they've had and says, "Come into my world." Emmett sighs, "You don't have a world; you have a web." Pitts convinces Emmett to sign on anyway. Emmett pushes a button, and the two are transported into a virtual chat room -- a white-walled room with phrases and words dancing around the walls in blue lights. Men walk and stand around, their screen names projected onto their chests in white light. Pitts asks Emmett which one he wants to talk to; Emmett picks one named "Surfer Dude." He tries to talk to him, but Pitts reminds him that Emmett doesn't exist there, and that he has to talk through Pitts. Emmett shrugs, "Wow. Give a screen name a little power and he becomes a control freak." You just noticed that? Pitts and Surfer Dude get into the whole sex chat thing, until Surfer Dude moans, "God, you've got me so gorny." "Gorny"? Surfer Dude apologizes. He meant "horny"; "gorny" was a typo. Ha! A short, blond boy calls Pitts's name, distracting them. Emmett exclaims, "Oh my God, it's usemyhole27!" Pitts says that he'll tell him to fuck off, until usemyhole 27 says, "I want to be your bottom boy." Pitts grins and tells him to email his street address, he'll be right over. Emmett's like, "What?" Back in the real world, Emmett asks, "Do you know what you just did?!" Pitts grins, "Yeah, I got you a date."
Back at David's, the host says goodbye to his guests. Afterwards, David tells Mike to stop cleaning up, and Mike replies, "Well, it's the least I could do, considering the mess I made." How was he supposed to know that Javier didn't tell Ed that he went to the White Party? Well, let's see -- Javier and Ed are a couple, and yet, he had sex with you. Does it make sense that Ed knows that Javier's been sleeping around on him, or, if he did, that he'd want it discussed in front of his close friends? Hmm? David laughs that Ed knows now. Mike says that he feels like a total jerk: "I've never been anywhere, I've never done anything. I never even made it through a semester of community college." Dave says that it doesn't matter, but Mike says that it matters to him. Dave tries to get him to come up to bed, which I believe sends an entirely wrong message. Michael opts for sulking out the door.
Pitts and Emmett walk to usemyhole27's door. Emmett gripes that he's going to get totally rejected: "I'm the Cyrano of cyberspace." Pitts: "Who?" Not just prettier, but dumber. Great. The door opens, revealing a guy who is nothing like his screen persona -- he's tall, built like a linebacker, and sort of dorky-looking. But cute. He and Emmett size each other up, and usemyhole27 is the first to say it: "I guess I'm not what you expected." Emmett admits that he doesn't look like a "big, beefy top." usemyhole27 shrugs, "Do I look like a hungry, submissive bottom?" No. No, he does not. usemyhole27 tells Emmett, "You were the most ruthless pigmaster I ever talked to." Emmett looks at Pitts -- who gives him an encouraging nod -- and growls, "Then what the fuck are you standing there for, huh? Drop to your knees, pussy boy." usemyhole27 squeaks, "Yes, sir," and does as he's told.
At Mike's place, there's a knock at the door. Mike thinks Emmett's lost his key again, but it's Brian, drunk off his ass. "Hello, Sonny Boy," Brian drawls. Mike instantly realizes that Brian went to see his dad. Mike steers Brian into his bedroom, while Brian babbles on about how the stuff Pop Kinney talked about -- basketball scores, and trouble down at the union, and blah, blah, drunkenbabblingblah. Mike undresses Brian and gets him into bed. No, it's not what you think. Once Brian's undressed and in bed, Mike spoons him, and Brian mumbles, "You should have heard him: 'How's my successful son? I'm a little short of cash. I never should have been a family man.'" Michael replies, "That's ancient history. Now, go to sleep." Brian: "It never changes. Not his bullshit. Not his life." Michael: "When are you going to learn? That's all he is. That's all he can be." Brian. Starts to. Cry. And then grasps Michael's hand in comfort. Had to rewind the tape a couple of times just to make sure, but there it is.
Back at Babylon, Emmett's the Cock of the Walk, baby -- shirt open, red sunglasses on, big shit-eating grin on his face. He finds Ted, who wants to know what happened. Emmett: "Honey, you name it." Ha! Ted, on the other hand, has been staring at the same guy for hours, but hasn't done anything about it. Pitts drops his head in Emmett's lap, and asks how's it going. Emmett sighs, "This bottom is on top of the world." Ted's looking at him funny, as Emmett continues to Pitts, "Baby, I'm never going to delete you." Ted demands that Emmett hand over whatever drugs he's taking. With a nod from Pitts, Emmett snaps at Ted to shut up: "I want you to go downstairs and tell that guy that you've been staring at all night that you want him to get down on his knees and service your cock." Ted's fairly scandalized! Emmett tells him to hop to it. After some slight protest, Ted sighs and mumbles, "Yes, sir." Ha! Pitts and Emmett slap each other five.
The day at the Happy Fun House, Melanie hands Brian and Lindsay papers to sign. They futz around with pens that have no ink, while the baby gurgles in the background. Brian and Melanie reach for Gus at the same time. At first hesitating, Brian acknowledges that he can't do it -- he can't sign the papers. Lindsay begs Brian not to do this, and Melanie reminds him that they had an agreement. Brian says that was before Gus was born ["Huh? Then why haven't they done it until now?" -- Wing Chun], but now, he just can't give up his kid. Hugging Gus, he asks, "Isn't that right, Sonny Boy?" Oh, dear.
At the gym, Mike's working out like a madman. David walks up and asks if they can talk, and they walk out onto the balcony.
Mike: Look, I know I disappointed you.
Dave: No, I let you down.
Mike: I'm an idiot.
Dave: I'm a jerk. I was insensitive, and I should have been more sensitive.
Mike: I don't fit in with your friends, and I don't know if I ever will.
Dave: When two people come from two different places...
Mike: I know, we come from two different worlds...
Dave: ...there's only one thing they should do.
Mike: I know, I totally agree. So, this is it. It's over.
Dave: "Over"? What's over? Mike, I want you to move in with me.
Cue Mike's bug-eyed shock, and then the credits.
Um, what?!
week on Queer as Folk, Mike tells Debbie and Emmett the news. Debbie shrieks with glee; Emmett cries. Mike tells them both that he hasn't decided yet whether he's going to do it. They both want to know what there is to decide. Emmett thinks that Mike just doesn't want to tell Brian. I'm thinking maybe it's because Mike's sane. 'We come from two different worlds, so obviously we should move in together.' This is logic? At the penthouse, Justin's done something wrong, and Brian throws him out, pissing off Lindsay, as well as Daphne, who tells him in no uncertain terms to find Justin and bring him back. Looks like The Boys are going on a road trip!