At last! Queer as Folk as it's meant to be co-hosted: Ladies and Gentlemen, Harvey Fierstein...IS IN THE HOUSE. WOOHOO! Our prayers have been answered. But I can't help thinking they finally went with a co-host that made sense because they knew Brian Kinney was going to work my last damn nerve. Unfortunately, I am not easily lulled into a sense of complacency. Nice try, though. I love me some Harvey. "Got some popcorn?" He asks at the end, with a knowing nod. "Sit back." Nope, but I just picked up some Red Vines at Target, and that's good enough. I guess since Harvey's on tonight, giving the show actual gay creds, they've decided to move the disclaimer back to the beginning of the episode. This isn't meant to reflect the lives of all gay people -- just the sexy ones. Got it.
Daphne and Justin enter a tattoo parlor. The Original Tattooed Man walks out as the two teenagers walk in; as usual, Daphne gawks, and Justin acts blasé. Daphne tells Justin that he doesn't have to go through this for Brian, "just because he's [Justin's] boyfriend." Justin replies that Brian's not his boyfriend: "I don't do boyfriends." I wonder where he got that line from? Justin points out that lots of kids at school have them; a girl named Erika Jacobsen, for instance, has her belly button pierced. Predictably, Daphy replies, "Yeah, but Erika Jacobsen is a whore." How many of you out there called that? Justin wisely leaves the potential analogy alone. Daphne then recites a range of horror stories including couples getting their piercings entangled, and people getting gangrene and having to have their nose amputated. Justin ignores her. Doesn't she know she's just there to make him feel just that much more the cool rebel? Duh. Anyway, turns out that Justin's come to get his nipple pierced, and he's helped by a very nice, blonde Grrl who looks like she just stepped out of a scene from The Crow. Daphne cringes away from the needle, asking, "Is it going to hurt?" The Grrl giggles and cheerfully replies, "Well, sure!" And sure enough, Justin yelps all over the place. He got his right nipple pierced. I'm told that may or may not mean anything. It would have if it was his ear five years ago, apparently. I breathlessly await further discussion on the boards. But if Justin were really hard-core, he'd get them both pierced. Wimp.
Liberty Diner. Mike and Dave Do Dinner. Dave actually complains because other guys in the restaurant are checking them out. Then Mike voice-overs: "Everyone's always wishing that they had a boyfriend. How he'd look, how he'd sound, how nice it would be to have someone to share you life, your dreams, your dental floss --" Not the same strand though; that's gross. Mike continues, "So, how come none of us has one? That's because we're lying. None of us could commit to a houseplant. How could we commit to a boyfriend?" Oooh, that one hit a little too close to home. A home empty of pets, food with an expiration date, and, yes, houseplants. But I could take care of a boyfriend. By "take care of," I mean, you know, see occasionally, on a semi-regular basis. Cough. Um. You know, just as long as he didn't touch my stuff. Anyway, Mike tells Dave that if he thinks the attention's bad now, he should see it when Brian's there. Dave gives him the stink-eye. Mike apologizes, because he promised that he wouldn't mention Brian for at least ten minutes. Dave sighs, "I'd settle for five." Mike grins adorably. Dr. Dave sighs again and says, "And you've got to stop smiling like that. It makes me want to climb across the table and eat...you...for...dessert." Eww. You're not gay. Stop creeping me out. Mike makes a joke about Dave's wanting whipped cream with that. Ew. You're not gay, either. Dave leans across the table to kiss him (it's just not right, people), and is thankfully interrupted by Debbie, who booms, "You better stay away from the onions, honey, if you two are going to be going at it all night." Knock it off -- I'm trying to keep my dinner down! Debbie's leaning against the booth back, in all her bright and shiny P-Flag glory. Mike winces; he thought she wasn't working that evening. Dave's like, hold on, this is your mother? Mike smiles and kisses her on the cheek. Debbie tells Dave that he's "goddamn gorgeous!" which he is, but he's not gay. She subbed for someone who got sick from eating the kabobs. Dave's eating the kabobs right now, and almost chokes. Debbie cackles. Just kidding. Mike gives her the "cut it out" sign across his throat. Debbie does. She clears their table onto a big round tray, groaning as she lifts it up to her shoulder. Dr. Dave tells her to lift from her knees, instead, and shows her how. She thanks him and tells him, "You're an angel." Dave chuckles, "No, I'm a chiropractor." Every mother's dream! For their straight daughters, that is, because He's SONOTGAY! Debbie's enraptured: "You didn't tell me you were dating a doctor! How long were you planning on keeping this from me?" Mike replies, "As long as I could." Debbie invites David over for dinner. Mike tries to get out of it, but Dave agrees. Delightfully, even.
The Taylors' Suburban Manse. Mr. Craig Taylor has his back to the camera, as Jennifer tries to get his attention off-screen. ["The father's name is Craig?! A dear friend of mine from my last day job was named Craig Taylor, and though he is younger than I am, I'm sure he would have no problem at all accepting a gay son, if he had one." -- Wing Chun] When Craig turns around, he looks disturbingly like Sting. I like Sting. I don't think I'm going to like Craig Taylor. Oh, boy, more cognitive dissonance. Yay. Craig says that Justin's not gay. Those nude drawings were for art class. And the underwear, he just bought for himself. Jennifer points out the underwear is not Justin's size. THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S GAY! Jennifer points out that Justin told her he was gay. Well, what the hell does Justin know? He's just confused. Unsure. Yeah! Jennifer sighs. NO. Justin's gay. Just like they've always suspected. Well, Mr. Taylor didn't suspect it, uh, uh, no sir. Wow, get this guy a bottle of scotch and a teddy bear. And anyway, didn't she promise Justin she wouldn't tell his dad? You can't just go and out people without letting them know first. That betrayal of trust ought to keep his butt at home. Craig continues to fight gravity: Justin's just sensitive! Artistic! "Justin's his own person. Not every kid can be the quarterback on the football team." Dude, Justin's HAD the quarterback on the football team. Give it up. Turn it loose. He's gay. Finally, Craig blames Jenny for not telling him: "Don't I have a right to know what's going on around here?" Uh, helps if you ask, Pops, or look up from the evening news once in a while. Jennifer says that she promised she wouldn't, but she's afraid of what Justin might be getting into -- or, rather, what might be getting into him. Mr. Taylor leaps up from his chair, and screams upstairs for his son. Jennifer tells him that Justin's not at home. Christ, would the man even recognize Justin if he saw him? Jenny says that Justin told her that he was going to Daphne's: "But I know he isn't." So, we're still perpetuating that little lie, are we? Which means that Daphne's still agreeing to stay at home in order to cover Justin's ass. Aw, man, HOLD ME BACK. Jennifer tells Craig that she found him in a gay bar once. Craig rages that he's going to put a stop to this gay nonsense once and for all! Jenny's pretty quiet, but also sort of smug, kind of like, "Neener, neener, neener, neener, I know Justin's gay and you did-dint. Pbbt!" As the final coup de grâce, she says that there's more: Justin's seeing someone. Craig's all about calling the parents of whoever the kid is. Not a kid, Jenny says: "He's a man. His name is Brian Kinney."
The man in question is playing pool with Mike down at Woody's, while Ted and Emmett mercilessly tease Mike about Dr. Dave. Mike protests that David isn't his boyfriend; they've only gone out a couple of times. Emmett says that there are three ways to tell: one, if Dave brings Mike flowers; two, if he invites Mike to go away for a weekend in the country, and three, if Dave meets Mike's mom and she invites him over for dinner. Clumsy foreshadowing. Nothing new. Moving on. At that last bit, Mike nearly puts the cue through the pool table, bouncing the ball onto the floor. That was a total rip-off of that scene from The American President, when Michael Douglas and Martin Sheen are playing pool, and Martin Sheen tells Michael Douglas that Annette Bening called. I guess if you're going to rip off something, you might as well rip it off from something good. So, the ball bounces off the table, and Justin, walking in, catches it. Mike gives him a sour look. Justin ignores everyone else and saunters about three inches away from Brian's face. Brian makes his usual lame "Justin is young" joke. Justin proclaims that he just got a nipple ring, and Brian sneers, "Any piece of trash has got something stuck through their ear or their nose, or their cock. What makes you think that I'm even remotely interested that you've got a ring stuck through your tit?" Justin's elation falters some. Mike, grumpy, gets his coat to leave. Brian tells Mike not to forget about this upcoming Friday. Justin eagerly asks what Friday is. Ted and Emmett happily chorus, "Studs and Suds." Studs and Suds is a Babylon ritual, wherein they flood the floor with suds, and everyone dances around in their underwear -- or less, Emmett adds. "It's disgusting," Ted grimaces. "See you there?" Emmett asks him. "Can't wait," Ted replies. Me, neither, man. Studs and Suds: Where Dirty HDGBs go to get clean. Sign me up, baby! Brian snaps that Michael had better be there; Mike tells him he will be. "Guess who's head over heels?" Emmett snickers. "Or heels over head," Ted snorts. They giggle all the way out of the bar. Justin, surprised, asks Brian whether Michael has a boyfriend. Brian snaps that it's none of his business, and then, tweaking his still-sore nipple rings, adds, "Don't stick your tit in where it doesn't belong."
At the Taylor Manse, Craig walks into Justin's room. Okay, there's a poster of a naked man on the back of the bedroom door, so Welcome to the World. Craig apprehensively peers into the room, and then walks in. The camera pans around; usual teenage stuff, other than a wall-long collage made up of magazine cut-outs of various parts of men on the wall. It kind of jars against the American flag stuck on the art-deco desk, but I guess Justin hasn't really had time to focus on interior design yet. Cut to: Brian and Justin having sex on Brian's bed. And I mean SEX: nose to the mattress, totally naked, grinding, groaning, moaning, artistically lit sex. Cut back to Justin's dad, going through Justin's drawers, and finding gay/gay porn magazines. Cut back to the overly graphic sex, which is making me blush deeply. Cut to Justin's dad, and you can, like, hear the sex moaning through all his shots. Craig finds Justin's sketchbook, and stops in horror at three pages of penis studies. "Penis studies." That sounds weird. You know what I mean. Let me just get through this before I run screaming away from the keyboard, okay? Cut back to Brian and Justin finally coming. Cut back to Craig, distraught. Cut back to me, just happy that it's finally over.
Mike and Emmett's. Mike's getting dressed as there's a knock at the door. Emmett's all excited, running to answer it: "He's here! Prince Charrrmiiinnnng!!!" Nope. It's Brian. Emmett amends, "Hmmmm, more like the Wicked Witch." Brian ignores him, and demands that Mike go with him to get something to eat. Mike reminds him that he and David are having dinner with Debbie and Vic, because he honestly thinks that Brian forgot. Brian slouches into a chair. In front of him, on the table, is a pastry box. Inside the pastry box are éclairs. Mike's telling him that he picked those up for dinner tonight, as Brian's halfway through stuffing a whole one in his mouth. What an asshole. Emmett sneers, disgusted, "Wow. It takes a long time to develop technique like that." Mike's pissed. He knows that Brian doesn't like Dave; Brian says that's not necessarily true, and why does Mike care what Brian thinks, anyway? Mike says the same thing he's been saying for three episodes: "Just because he thinks I'm hot or something --" Brian replies the same thing that he always replies: "You are hot. I've been telling you that for years." Then he does the same thing he always does after he says that, which is kiss Mike. Mikey? Hi, this is Coincidence calling. This is the most action you've gotten from Brian in fifteen years. Think something might be up? Mike just looks confused. Two plus two, man. It doesn't equal red. There's another knock at the door, and Brian beats Emmett to the door. It's David, who's not happy to see Brian there. Brian makes a snarky comment; Doc Dave ignores him and says hello to Emmett. David's carrying a big bouquet of wildflowers, which he hands to Mike. Mike thinks they're for his mother, but they're for him. Now Mike's confused and terrified. Emmett, smiling sweetly, takes the flowers from him, and just in case we need to be reminded, whispers, "The second sign. Flowers," and offers to put them in water. David asks Mike if everything's all right. Brian, blocking the doorway, drawls, "He's allergic to boyfriends bringing bouquets." What an unadulterated prick sore. David glares at Brian while trying to get Mike out the door. Brian hands Mike the pastry box as they walk out.
Meanwhile, at the Taylor Manse, Jennifer and Craig confront Justin in the kitchen. Justin yells at his mom that she broke her promise to him, and he's right, he's right, he's right. Ugh. It's like, the woman can only have good parenting skills for a minute a week. Jennifer says that she knows, but when she saw him with Brian -- saw Brian kissing him -- she knew that it wasn't right for Justin to be having sex with this man. So, she brought in Craig for what? Moral support? Let's see how that's working out: sitting at the kitchen table, as far away from his wife and son as he can get and still be in the same room, Craig looks like's going to have an aneurysm. Good luck with that. Jennifer continues, "And even though you may think that you love him, I am sure...that he doesn't love you." Justin, shaking his head, replies, "That's not true." Craig screeches that Justin's a minor, and it's illegal for an adult to have sex with a minor. Jenny adds that they don't blame him, that they understand that Brian enticed him, or whatever. Justin snaps that he wasn't "enticed": Justin wanted Brian. Craig, pulling his hair in frustration, tells Justin that he's too young to know what he wants. I hope I don't have to hear this lame-ass argument again, because it's really irritating. Justin isn't too young to know what he wants. Justin's too young to understand the consequeneces of getting what he wants. There's a difference. Jenny reminds Craig that he promised to be calm. Craig thinks he is being calm, so apparently the drama gene is dominant on both sides of the family. "What about AIDS?!" Craig screams, hands thrown to the heavens. I start giggling uncontrollably. Justin replies, "He wore a condom," grinning, "I put it on him myself." Craig shrieks in disgust, and says that he's calling the police. My uncontrolled giggling turns into hot-faced laughter. Jenny stops him; does he want everyone to find out what's going on? Craig's amazed that she would want "this child molester to go free!" Justin snaps that Brian didn't molest him, and Justin isn't a child. He's half right. Justin: "I love him. More than anything else in my life. All I want is to be with him." Justin, Justin, Justin. Craig says that he doesn't ever want to hear Justin say that again, and forbids Justin from seeing Brian. Justin says that he'll see Brian if he wants to, and they can't stop him. And he calmly leaves the room, leaving his father calling after him in impotent fury.
Debbie's place. Debbie, Uncle Vic, Michael, and Dave are eating the aforementioned dinner. Debbie tries to force more spaghetti on Dave. Dave says he's full. Debbie says that with a body like his, he can afford the extra carbs, and she feels his biceps. "I always did like a hard body. Like mother, like son," she cackles. "Like Uncle," Vic adds. Like recapper. Mike groans, "you'll be asking what type of car he drives and how much he makes." David laughs, but Debbie and Vic look at him expectantly. Dave coughs. "I drive a Jag," he replies. "And I'm comfortable." Vic tells Mike that if he doesn't marry the good doctor, Vic will. Mike and Dave uncomfortably decide to eat more pasta. Debbie glows that it's just like Lady and the Tramp, Mike's favorite movie when he was a kid. Debbie describes the famous scene in Lady and the Tramp, when Tramp takes Lady to the Italian restaurant, and they end up chewing on the same strand of spaghetti until they're kissing. And then, Dr. Dave, being cute, pulls out a piece of spaghetti, and he and Mike demonstrate. So cheesy, I covered my eyes, embarrassed for them all. Afterwards, Dave and Mike gaze deeply into each other's eyes. Mike has an odd deer-caught-in-headlights look on his face. Dr. Dave looks like he's concentrating on being gay. Vic swats Debbie on the shoulder, and they beat it out of the kitchen. Mike and Dave stare at each other for another beat, until Mike asks Dave if he wants to see his old room. Heck, yeah! He and Dave run upstairs.
So, Mike gets to have sex in his old bedroom at last! He and Dave make out, Dave expressing that he's wanted to do this all week, but they can never find the time. So, he invites Mike over to his cabin for the weekend. Mike: "Will I get to see more than the bedroom ceiling?" Dave laughs, and promises. He asks Mike if he wants to go, and before Mike can reply, they hear Debbie yelling through the door, "You little asshole, if you don't say yes, I'm going to disown you!" Dave and Mike laugh, and Mike says yes.
Brian's surfing chat rooms again. The phone rings, Brian answers it; apparently, he's got a buddy coming over. Brian gives his address, saying, "It should take you about ten minutes to get here -- one for every inch." There's a knock at the door, and it's Michael. Brian asks how dinner went: "Did Debbie and Vic scare him away?" Yeah, you wish. Mike says that Vic and Debbie were on their best behavior. "That's even scarier," Brian says. He tries to get Mikey out of there because he's got someone coming over in "approximately seven and a half inches." Brian's too much of a grasping, bleeding arsehole this episode, and all I want to do is shove him really, really hard. Ugh. Brian tells him that he'll see Mike tomorrow at Studs and Suds. Michael says that he came over to tell Brian that he can't go -- David invited him to his cabin for the weekend. Brian sneers that the Boys were right -- flowers, dinner, and now a weekend getaway. Mike worries that Brian's mad. Arrrrghhhhh! Gah! Gah! Brian sneers, "I mean, who wants to be on a crowded dance floor surrounded by naked men covered in soap suds when you could be breathing all that fresh country air?" All that fresh air with a really hunky guy that likes you. No contest. Mike has this weird, passing-gas, pinched expression on his face again. What the hell is that? Brian's such a prick. God.
The phone rings again. Brian thinks it's his trick, and saunters to the phone, figuring the guy's gotten lost. Just to remind Mikey how cool it is living vicariously through Brian, he tells whoever's on the other end that he has this new dildo, and explains exactly what he plans to do with it. I'm not going to transcribe, because I'm done humoring Brian and his trashy-ass behavior. Mikey half-heartedly snarks that Brian should consider a career in phone sales. Ha. Ha. Ha. Brian shoos Mike away. The phone rings again. This time it IS the trick. Brian's like, huh? Didn't you just call? Meanwhile, at the Taylor Manse, Craig lowers the phone, and stews in the middle of the living room. So, to sum up, he got Brian's little sex chat, so not only does he know that Justin's sleeping with this man, but that this man is sleeping with other men, which means he doesn't really care about Justin, and plus, Brian's a vulgar turd. But I'm sure Craig can work through this. Not.
At his apartment, Mike calls the Big Q Mart and pretends that his back is acting up again, but that it should be better in a couple of days. He's all hunched over on the phone, just in case they can see him or something. I don't know. He's not that bright. Halfway through the call, Emmett walks out with two shirts, and loudly asks Mike which one he likes better. Mike shushes him. "Oh, no," Mike tells his supervisor, "I definitely plan on seeing my chiropractor." Ha. Ha. Ha. Ted, eating cereal in the kitchen, shakes his head: "You know what grows when you lie." Emmett drawls, "Unfortunately, it's your nose." I have to start that petition for The Ted and Emmett Show. Emmett's being a sweetie and helping Mike pack. Mike's packed like five pairs of everything. For a weekend trip. Geez, and I thought I was bad. Ted sighs, walks up to the bag, pulls out a change of underwear, a pack of condoms, and a tube of lube, and hands them to Mike. "There," Ted says, "You're all set." Exactly. Emmett's wearing his "Queens College" t-shirt from the premiere episode. I want that shirt, man. Emmett's cool. Of course, if I wear it, people will just think I went there. Mike goes on a tangent about Atlantic City and saltwater taffy. Emmett accuses him of getting cold feet; Mike whines that he isn't getting cold feet, he just doesn't know what you do for a whole weekend.
Emmett: Well, first you arrive.
Ted: Then you fuck.
Emmett: Then you unpack.
Ted:: Then you fuck.
Emmett: Then you go berry-picking.
Ted: Then you fuck.
Mike wants to know what you do after sex. Or between sex. Or if there's no sex. Emmett tells him that you get to know each other, and Mike freaks out. What if he runs out of things to say? What if he says something stupid and Dr. Dave decides that inviting him away for the weekend was a mistake? What if he decides that he doesn't like Mike? I'm thinking that's where all the sex comes in handy, but Emmett and Ted say that it's obvious that Dr. Dave "more than likes him." They're all quietly in awe at the unseen presence of love. Ooooh. Emmett tells Mike to go: "And you have a fabulous time. And bring us back some berries."
The Happy Fun House. Lindsay and Brian are at the kitchen table. Brian's about to write a check for $2000 for something having to do with Gus. So, Lindsay and Melanie are raising the baby, but Brian chips in every once in a while, despite the fact that Melanie doesn't want him to help, and also despite the fact that since she's a lawyer and should be able to afford anything, you'd think she'd insist on it. Kind of makes Brian's point that he's only Gus's father when they need his money. Lindsay tells Brian that she loves him to death, and Brian grins, "You and Melanie really are after my life insurance." Lindsay kisses him on the cheek. Brian gripes that he barely has enough left for Studs and Suds. Odd segue. Nothing new. Moving on. Lindsay asks him whether he's going with Michael. Awkward dialogue. Nothing new. Moving on. Brian tells her that Michael's going away for the weekend with Dr. Dave, except that Brian calls him "the proctologist." Cute. Lindsay corrects him, and says that it sounds romantic: "Peaceful walks, cozy fire." Brian retorts, "Stepping in bear shit, stung by mosquitoes. I guarantee that after two days of that, he'll wish he was back here with me at Babylon." Yes, because it's much more fun to watch you get laid than for him to get laid himself, right? Lindsay opines that Mike might like the change of pace: "It might be nice for him to hang out with someone who wants to be with him for a change." Brian interrupts that he told Mike that he was happy that he was seeing Dr. Dave, because it was time for Mike to stop cruising, settle down, and grow up. Lindsay tells Brian he's full of shit: "You can't imagine why two people would want to be together, can you?" Be together, yes. Stay together, no. Lindsay continues, "It's called not wanting to be alone. Knowing that you're loved. Apparently a lot of us need that. Including Michael." She asks Brian to promise her that he won't fuck it up for Michael. Brian just rolls his eyes and walks out.
The locker room at Justin's school. Chris Hobbes, he of the semi-conscious hand job a couple of eps back, walks in with a bunch of friends. They call each other "faggot" as a reminder not to like them. Justin's sitting on a bench, getting dressed. Chris asks him why he's not going to take a shower: "Don't you want to look at all the guy's dicks?" Justin ignores him. Chris points at Justin's nipple ring and asks him where he got it. When Justin tells him he got it on Liberty Avenue, Chris sneers, "You really are a queer." Justin mumbles that he's not. Chris won't leave him alone: "[Did you get that] so all your fudge-packing friends can pull on it while they're butt-fucking you?" Justin snaps, "How come you know so much about what faggots do unless you are one?" Is what I'm saying! Chris shoves him against the locker, and Justin punches him in the face. Yay, Justin! I cheered, 'cause that kid's got some serious steel ones. Chris punches him back, knocking him against the lockers, and some other boy has to hold Justin back from kicking Chris's closeted ass. Can't stop Justin from spitting a mouthful of blood all over him, though.
The cabin. Dr. Dave's Jag pulls up in front. As he gets out of the car, we can see a horse in a paddock behind him. The "cabin" is like, a block long and two stories tall. Mike wows, "You built this place yourself?" Doc Dave confirms that he built "most of it. I'm good with my hands." Mike snarks that he's noticed. Then wows some more, "Look how good clean air smells." Dave asks him how long it's been since he was in the country, and Mike replies, "I don't know. We went to a dairy farm once in the third grade." Dave gives him the Indulgent Papa Smile. I really don't like that smile. It's creepy and patronizing and reminds me of the look I get from republicans in bars when the topic turns to politics. But you know what the best way is to get rid of that smile? Call George W. "Governor Bush." It's not easy being a smart liberal babe in DC, folks. Light a candle for me.
So, Dave and Mike walk in, and Mike's still looking around in awe and wonder. Not only is the place huge, but it's all wood and stone and mortar and well-appointed and I keep expecting a concierge to appear at any moment. Mike, seeing a stuffed marlin on the wall: "So, did you catch that fish, or challenge it to a duel?" Hal Sparks is so much funnier when he comes up with his own dialogue, and maybe they should let him do that sometime. Dave tells him that he caught it with some friends in the Keys. My friends Chris and Mary B. are getting married in the Keys this year, but thank god neither of them fish, because that marlin's about twice MB's size, and I really don't think -- uh, sorry; tangent. Where were we? Dave's rich, Dave's traveled, Dave is a kick-ass fisherman. Right. Mike picks up a framed picture of a woman and baby on the really large, wood, manly-man mantle. Mike asks, "Who's that? Ex-scuba diving instructor, ex-ice skating partner?" I assume he's talking about the woman. David tells him that that's his ex-wife. Mike didn't know that he'd been married, and mumbles, "She's pretty." Yeah, and Dave's gay, so don't get all choked up. Or at least he's supposed to be gay. (GOD, he is SONOTGAY! I'm more of a gay man than Chris Potter is!) David explains that the baby is his son Hank, who's twelve now and lives with his mother in Oregon. And then Mike, Exposition Slave -- which is really the only excuse for this ignorance -- asks, "So, you weren't always gay?" David answers, amazingly unbacked by violins, "No, I was always gay [I can't take it!]. I just didn't want to admit it. And being the overachiever that I am, I figured I could be anything I wanted to be, including straight. So, I married Laurie, and for a long time we were happy. Built this place together. But eventually it became harder to deny who I really was. Who I am. So I told her. It was really the best thing to do, for both of us." Mike says that she must have been really upset. I'm sure no more than any other woman who finds out her entire life is based on a cowardly lie. David continues, "When we split up, I promised myself that I would always be honest with myself, and I would always be honest with whomever I loved." And then the clincher: "Which is why, I guess, I'm telling you." Aww, how sweet. And after only two dates, too. RUN. Mike's all teary-eyed, as David kisses him. And then he does that thing that someone on the boards noticed, which is grasp the side of Mike's face, EMPHASIZING how much he wants Mike, which I know he doesn't because he's not gay. And who the hell kisses for ten seconds without opening their mouths once? Two Straight Men Kissing in a Country Cabin, that's who. Jaysus. Mike's, like, crying or something. Hal Sparks trying to hold back tears looks like Hal Sparks trying to pass a kidney stone. Not pretty, and not believable. Mike blames the tears on the fresh air. I blame it on bad acting.
Babylon! IT'S STUDS AND SUDS! YAY! Just like Emmett promised, a big vat pours soapy bubbles on the dance floor, as mostly naked HDGBs manage to keep the beat while sloshing around. Brian and Ted are on the sidelines, watching. Have you ever noticed that whenever they're in the club, they're usually the most dressed people in there? What, they don't think we'll be able to pick them out unless they have their shirts on? Well, Emmett took his off, at least -- but we already know Peter Paige is gay. Unlike Chris Potter. I know, I know, I'm obsessing. GOD, he is SO. NOT. GAYYYYYYY! As if they can hear me, Brian asks Ted why he's not going in. Ted asks Brian why he's not going in. Brian snorts, "I already took a bath today, but if you want to jump in, I promise I won't look." Ha! Ted sighs, "You and everybody else." Poor Eeyore. Emmett's having a blast, dancing cheek to cheek -- and cheek to cheek -- with a HDGB in a yellow wetsuit. "Look what I found!" he calls to Brian and Ted. "My rubber ducky!" Love him. Brian laughs at Emmett, and then calls the whole thing pathetic. Ted's surprised, he thought Studs and Suds was Brian's most favorite thing. Outside of himself, of course. Brian retorts, "What, a bunch of fags sliding around in their shorts?" Ted replies that it must not be as much fun without Michael, Brian's "little audience of one. But as the French philosopher Roquefort, or was it Camembert said: It is not enough to trick. Your best friend must also go home alone." Ted's got your number, Brian. Phone's ringing. Pick it up. Brian tells Ted to fuck off: "I haven't thought about Michael once," he snarls, stalking out. "Well, what do you know," Ted calls after him, "Just like when he's here!" Word. Oh, and FYI: Roquefort and Camembert are really two types of cheese, so Brian actually does have a lot in common with them.
Brian walks out in the parking lot. A hot, scruffy guy in a brown leather jacket and blue jeans calls out to him, "Do you remember me?" Not hardly. Hot Scruffy Guy is just another man Brian's fucked and forgotten. Brian looks him over and sneers, "I must have been very desperate." Ill-mannered bastard. Hot Scruffy Guy doesn't take that too well. Brian just hops into his jeep and screeches away, followed by Hot Scruffy Guy's curses.
At a dark intersection, Brian pulls up to the light, mightily pissed off and frustrated. He leans over to take out the tape he's listening to, and is busy looking for another one, when a car zooms up and rams him from behind. Brian bounces off the dashboard, leaving him with a big gash on his forehead. The car backs up, and then zooms forward again. Brian yells, "What are you doing, you crazy fuck?!" The car hits his again, breaking all the glass out of the windows and practically popping the top off, and then speeds off into the night.
The day, David and Mike are having sex in the woods. Ew. And there's birds chirping, and purple flowers everywhere, and it's just like those feminine spray commercials, and it's all bad, y'all. Mike giggles about having never been good at outdoor sports. Or something; I didn't catch it all because I was too busy wincing. They start to cuddle, as much as two people can while trying to keep as wide a distance between them as possible and yet still give the illusion of cuddling. All right. I'm brave. I'm strong. Gotta pay attention. Phew! Okay, so Mike says that he was really nervous about coming up there, but it's been great. David's like, oh the places they could go ! Skiing! New York! Europe! "There's a whole world outside of Liberty Avenue. I'd like to show it to you, if you'd let me." Dave says, feigning affection. Then he jumps up and tries to get Mike to swim with him in the nearest lake, or pond, or aqueduct, or what-have-you. We get a magnificent beauty shot of Chris Potter's butt as he runs to the lake/pond/aqueduct, whooping the whole way. Mike says that he'll be right behind him, and then finds his cell phone in his pants.
Mike calls Brian, who's lying back in his bed, all bandaged up, smoking a doobie that I'm sure isn't doctor-prescribed. Mike's all happy and excited; they made love in the woods, it was incredible, yada yada. When Mike says that he's never had sex outside before, Brian reminds him of the back alley at Babylon. Brian's all biting and drawling, so Mike asks what's up. Brian's like, oh...nothing...but Mike finally gets the accident out of him that Brian blames Hot Scruffy Guy because Brian wouldn't have sex with him again. Brian has a gash on his forehead and a slight concussion: "But I'm all right," Brian sighs, "So don't even THINK about cutting your trip short and coming back here." Manipulative asswipe. Brian hangs up the phone, leaving a very worried Mikey on his stomach in the woods, like a baby on a blanket. Dr. Dave returns, and asks what's up. Mike looks at him apprehensively
The Garage at the Taylor Manse. Craig surveys the damage to the front fender of his car. Like we couldn't guess it was him. Jenny walks in and asked what the hell happened. Craig lies that some guy in a jeep backed into him. Couldn't get his info, because it was dark, and the jerk drove off. Justin takes a peek, and then walks away, uninterested. Craig yells that Justin's not leaving, and Justin snorts, "Now I'm a prisoner?" Craig says that he knows what happened at school: "So, what, now you're flaunting yourself in front of everyone?" I get a brief mental picture of Justin in nothing but a boa and a pair of tightie-whities, skipping around the locker room, shrieking, "Wheee!" Not quite. Justin says he wasn't flaunting himself; Chris Hobbes started it. Craig says that he's not going back there anyway, because they're sending him away to school: "It's time for you to learn some discipline -- how to be a man." Justin smirks, "I know all about discipline. And you should see me take it like a man." Craig slaps him into 2002. Jenny's shocked and tries to get between them. Justin pushes her away and tells her it didn't hurt, and then he gets in his father's face and says, "If you want to hit me, go ahead. Only I'm not going to cry like some little faggot. And if you want to send me away, that's all right, too. Because I bet you more fucking goes on at boarding school than in the back room at Babylon. But whatever you do, it's not going to matter, because I'll still be your queer son." And with that, Justin stalks down the driveway. Huge hairy ones. I'm green with envy.
Brian's loft. The whole cast, sans Mike, has gathered to minister to Brian in his time of need. They get about the appreciation you'd expect: Lindsay hands him a cup of tea, but it's too hot. Ted tries to give him an ice pack for his head, but it's too cold. Melanie: "What are you, Goldilocks?" Seriously. I give St. L. mad props for even getting her over there in the first place, though. Emmett tries to take Brian's temperature, telling him to roll over, and everyone chortles, 'cause Emmett's so fun-ny. Brian laughs, too: "You're not sticking that up my ass!" Ted: "Geez, that accident must have really jarred your brain!" Brian says that it wasn't an accident -- that the guy hit him a couple of times. Melanie, Lesbian Lawyer, asks whether Brian got a license-plate number. Justin, suspicious, asks Brian what type of car it was, and then when Brian tells him, jumps up. Omigod! It was his dad! Melanie: "Now why would he want to do something like that?" For the good of humanity, perhaps? Justin explains what's being going on at the Taylor Manse, and that his dad wants to send Brian to jail and Justin to boarding school. Brian tells him not to be a drama princess. Aw, but Justin's got the sash and crown and everything! St. L. tells him to be careful, anyway, but they all seem pretty unconcerned about it; I mean, this guy tried to kill Brian. Brian's not dead. Craig might try again, you know. Brian says not to worry about him, he's invincible -- and to prove it, leaps over the couch and turns on the stereo, announcing, "It's time to party!" He grabs Justin -- Ten Points for the Teenager! -- and they dance. Melanie and Lindsay start to make out, and Emmett tries to teach Ted how to boogie. It's like some weird, trippy scene from a gay version of Beach Blanket Bingo.
Just then, Mike throws open the door, Dr. SoNotGay behind him. Mike whines that he thought that Brian was really hurt. Brian says he was. Dr. Dave says that Mike insisted that they come back. Brian says he told him not to. Dr. Dave rages out the door. "Don't go after him, Mikey," Brian tells him. "Don't ever go after anyone." Except you, of course. What a shit. Melanie walks around Brian and Mike and catches David at the elevator. Melanie apologizes for Brian's behavior, because she knows how it is. David says, "I should turn, walk away, and never look back." Melanie tells him that that's certainly an option, unless "Michael's worth fighting for, which is what you're going to have to do." Okay, soapbox time: Brian is an asshole, but he is not Dave's problem. Mike is Dave's problem. And if Michael is unwilling or unable to see his reaction to Brian's manipulations as a problem, then that's the problem. And why be with someone that you have to fight for? Why pick someone who can't see that you're worth being with? People exist whose priorities aren't quite as fucked up as Michael's. Plus, I'm not buying this whole Sad Melanie thing. Lindsay loves her, obviously. Why, I'm not always sure, but she does. I'm not seeing how much fighting Melanie feels she had to do. I have serious issues about this crap. Okay, I'm off the soapbox. Dr. Dave asks what it is about Brian Kinney, anyway. Sure he's hot, he's charming, but so are a lot of guys. Melanie gives him the line about Brian doing whatever he wants, when he wants, with no apologies or regrets. "In other words, he doesn't give a shit," Dr. Dave replies, pulling the elevator door down. Exactly. Fun, huh?
Babylon! I can't ever just write "Babylon," it has to be "Babylon!" Like, "Fosse!" Brian and Mike sniff a popper together on the dance floor, just like old times. Cut to Dr. Dave, sliding through the crowd, wearing a sleeveless denim shirt and tight jeans. He looks too good, and the patrons agree, but very much like a straight guy trying to dress like he's gay. I just can't let it go. Dave wraps his muscled arms around Brian and Mike and sniffs the popper, too. "Is there some room on your dance card for me?" he asks. Mike says, "Sure," relieved that David's not mad, but he gets dissed. "Not you," Dr. Dave snaps back, and then grabs Brian's hand: "You." Mike looks like a kicked puppy, as all his insecurities come crashing down. Brian, because he's an uncompromising dickhead, calls back, "Why Doc, I thought you'd never ask." He and David take the dance floor. David can dance. Brian still can't. Doesn't mean David's gay, because he really, really isn't. My gaydar was honed on the streets of West Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Washington, DC, people. I know what I know.
Mike wanders back to the sidelines with Ted and Emmett. If he was expecting moral support, he's out of luck, as Emmett makes the first cut into Mikey's chest cavity by observing, "Man, David looks hot!" and Ted rips out his heart with, "What's he doing dancing with Brian?" Thanks, guys. Can he get some salt with that?
On the dance floor, Brian's surprised that David can dance. David says he sure can, but he hasn't done it in a while. Brian tells him he should go out more often, and David retorts, "There's nothing here that interests me." Ouch. Brian tries to recover: "Then why are you here?" David says that he's here to see Brian, and comments on his miraculous recovery from the accident. Brian says something stupid about the power of prayer and pharmaceuticals, but acknowledges that Mike's a sweet guy to have come back, even though Brian told him not to. David stops dancing and replies, "That's because you're all he ever thinks about. You're his world. You're everything he thinks about, everything he dreams about, everything he knows." And you want to get involved with this guy? Why is that, again? Brian futzes that he and Mike have been best friends since they were fourteen. David replies, "Sixteen years of waiting. He's been waiting so long, he actually thinks he's happy. But you and I both know he's never going to get what he wants, is he?" Brian's looking confused, but belligerent. He asks exactly what it is that Mikey wants, and David snaps, "For you to fuck him! And don't tell me you don't know it, and you love knowing it, don't you?" Damn, man, Brian's being called on all his shit this episode. I love it. Brian shoots back that David doesn't know Mike -- Mike who looks so much like he's about to cry that Emmett's slung a protective arm around his shoulders. Dr. Dave says that he'd like to know Mike: "But I never will, as long as you're around. Maybe I should just disappear. Would you like that? And you probably wouldn't think twice about it. But I want him. Even more than you don't want me to have him." Brian glares at him as David continues, "So, if you're really his best friend, give him a chance to be happy. To have a life. His own life. Let him go." And the camera pulls away as David and Brian stare each other down on the dance floor.
This episode gets a B. I hate Brian, and this time I didn't love doing it. Mike's annoying. Daphne only got one scene. And Dr. Dave isn't gay, but is lobbying for codependency. I don't know what that is, but I don't like it.
week, Mike's co-workers catch SOL giving him a kiss on the cheek, and now everyone thinks they're going out. Craig catches Justin and Brian macking outside Babylon, and punches Brian out. Jennifer yells that the only person Justin needs to be protected from is Craig. Debbie faints at the Liberty Diner. Brian tells Jennifer that Justin isn't his responsibility, and she screams, "The hell he isn't!" Brian and Justin have sex again. Craig tells Justin that he's either coming home with him, or he's not coming home ever again. Three guesses as to Justin's answer. Here's a hint: NO.