"Oh my God! Oh! My! God! OhmyGod!" Nah, this episode doesn't open in Stuart's bedroom. (Fooled you, didn't I?) Instead, we open on the elevator in Stuart's building -- which, let's face it, is wasted by never being used for any Fatal Attraction-esque sex scenes -- from which Vince and Cameron are emerging. Vince is practicing his trademark shocked response because Cameron's gone and ruined the secret of the surprise party that Stuart's planned for his birthday. Stee-ryke five kajillion against Cameron on della femina's scorecard, for those of you still keeping count. He's also complaining that the party is being held at Stu's flat instead of his house. (I'd offer him cheese with his whine, but we all know from episode six how befuddled Cameron gets when offered cheese.)
Cameron and Vince knock at Stuart's door, and he sticks his head out halfway and growls, "What d'you want?" Cameron says they were just passing and thought they'd pick up some CDs they'd left there, and Stuart replies with a hilariously barked, "You can't stay long -- I'm busy!" Opening the door to the flat and walking in, Vince and Cameron are greeted by everyone they know (and in Stuart's case, we're talking the Biblical sense of "knowing" someone) and a huge, open space filled with balloons, streamers, Warhol-style prints of Vince's face, and even life-size cutouts of the birthday boy. It's like the shrine Vince always dreamed of, except it's in honour of him, not Stuart. I suspect the word Alanis Morrissette would use here is "irony," but I think we all know better than that. Stuart, knowing Vince better than he knows anyone (this time we're not talking in the Biblical sense), can tell that his reaction was one hundred percent fake, and asks Cameron if he told Vince about the party. Cameron denies it, saying that Vince isn't stupid. Um, veto? Thanks. At the other end of the room, there's a whole DJ set-up, complete with turntables, flashing lights, and Alexander on the microphone. "Bit of hush, you lot, bit of hush!" he urges. "Thank you. My name's Christine Cagney, and I'm an alcoholic." Hee! I'm so going to steal that the time I do karaoke. As everyone starts dancing to disco music, Vince says a simple thanks to Stuart. "Thirty. You cunt," Stuart replies coolly. Breaking into a smile, he opens his arms and hugs Vince, then remarks, "Thirty years old! How did that happen? How did that happen?" I'm thinking that Vince's life of celibacy has gotten him this far, but it's anyone's guess how Stuart's nearly made such a milestone. Throughout all of this chitchat and dancing, we're very aware of Cameron and his little life of exile from Stuart 'n' Vince World. We're also aware -- well, I am, anyway -- that we don't feel very sorry for him.
Later on, in Stuart's bedroom, Vince, Stuart, and Romey are looking down at Alfred in his baby carrier. Yes, there's an infant up in this mofo. Romey toddles off to get her picture taken with Lance, so that they'll have lots of fake evidence to give the Home Office should it choose to investigate the marriage of the kind-hearted lesbian and the shady foreigner whose visa is due to run out. Vince, gazing wistfully at Alfred, says to Stuart, "Look at him. Nought years old. Do you remember in school? We used to talk about being twenty." I remember that, except it was twenty-one. Damned drinking laws. "All those plans we made," Stuart says. "We were going to get a flat and live together." Vince remembers this, too. "Still could," Stuart tells him, suddenly sounding a bit desperate. "You could move in here. We could get a house. I'll pay." Hah, this reminds me of the scene in Menace II Society where the bum offers cheeseburgers and a blowjob to one of the characters in exchange for some crack cocaine. Except this time the bum in question doesn't get a cap in his ass. Sob. Vince comments that he doesn't think Cameron would like the idea of he and Stuart living together, and Stuart tells him that Cameron's bought him a car for his birthday. "He hasn't," Vince replies. "He bought me that boxed set of Trial of a Time Lord...which I've already got." Stuart moves closer to Vince and gets all up in his face. "It's parked 'round the corner. He's bringing it 'round when we do the presents. It's only a Mini, four hundred quid," he says disdainfully, "but it's a car." Now Vince knows that he's serious. "That's a bit heavy," he replies almost breathlessly. "You know what I'd do," Stuart tells him, inching even closer and whispering, "Run. Run like the wind." Vince is completely stunned, but he's probably even more stunned when Stuart then kisses him on the lips -- a serious, quiet-moment kiss, not a joking, drugged-out, clubbing kiss. Vince, being a complete and utter lame-ass wuss, makes his way back to the party. Oh, and guess what? Cameron saw the whole thing. Stuart waves at him. Cameron's heart shatters into a million tiny pieces. I giggle.
As Vince makes his way towards Cameron, Dazz looks the wrinkled Aussie up and down and asks Hazel what he does for a living. "He's an accountant," Hazel tells him, sounding quite proud. "I always said the Tylers would marry into money one day." Dazz and Nathan are snorting derisively at the idea of going out with an accountant. "He's nice!" Donna says in Cameron's defense (but I'll let her off the hook). "Nice! Imagine shagging someone 'nice'!" Dazz guffaws. "He's not a real boyfriend," Nathan says. "You know Vince just shuts his eyes and thinks of Stuart!" Okay, seriously? That made me laugh. But Nathan still bears the label of "Slapnuts Extraordinaire" in my notes, so one joke changes nothing. After Nathan and Dazz go off to dance, Hazel ladles piss from a big plastic bucket into their cocktails. You don't want to know why she has a bucket full of piss; it's Bernard's, and Bernard's wee definitely falls into the "Ew, nasty!" no-go area of these recaps. All you need to know is that she pours urine into Nathan and Dazz's drinks, and they drink them. Has anyone told Chuck Berry about this show?