up on the Queer as Folk Has-Been Hit Parade: Steven Weber. You may remember Steven from NBC's recently cancelled sitcom Cursed. No? Good, because it was really bad TV, and you don't need to be exposed to that. Any more of that, I mean. ["It got cancelled? I thought it just got renamed Weber or something. Good, that shit sucked." -- Wing Chun] But surely you will recall him from NBC's early '90s sitcom Wings, as the loser half of the crush-inducing Hackett Brothers. Brian and Joe. Sigh. Steven was Brian. And he's still cute, darn it. Hey, wait! Steven...was "Brian"! Okay, I'm reaching, but there has to be some sort of method to this co-host madness. Anyway, Steven recaps the last episode: Ted in a coma, Justin on the run, Justin on the football player, Brian in a moral quandary, Brian 'n the Hunky Nurse. You know. The usual. And I'm having a terrible time focusing because Steven's so...straight. Has this show ruined me forever for Breeder boys?! Oh, well, I'm sure it's nothing that Dollar Bud Night at the Lucky Bar and some heavy concentration won't cure.
Hot Dancing Gay Boys! That one guy swimming around cracks me up every time.
Brian's Penthouse. It's morning. The camera pans up and across Brian's bed, past the hunk to him up, to Brian's face. There's a knock at the door, and Brian opens his eyes. He doesn't even fully turn over to ask the guy to him, "Who the hell are you?" Well, who the hell is it always, Brian? Bed Guy, somewhat offended, raises his head and says, "I'm the guy you fucked last night." That's who. What a dumb question. Brian, uninterestedly, "Oh, yeah." Whatever. Brian continues, not really caring, "Were you any good?" The look on Bed Guy's face is priceless, all like, "Wha?!" I'll admit it. I laughed. Dude, if you're not going to remember, what's the point? And if you don't care so much, why are you letting them stay over in the first place? Another knock. Brian: "Okay, I'm coming! [to Bed Guy] And you're going." We get Brian Butt Shot #1 as he walks to the door. Not that I'm complaining.
It's Lindsay at the door with Gus, just stopping by to say hi on their way to wherever. Okay, Lindsay doesn't even blink at Fully-Frontal Brian. I know no one who is that blasé about her friend answering the door naked. She sees Bed Guy pulling on his jeans near the bed, and that stops her short. So, maybe it's just asses she's already used to. Bed Guy's got a nice one, maybe even nicer than Brian's. I'm just saying. Lindsay asks if she's interrupting. Brian assures her that she isn't. Brian takes Gus from her, and Bed Guy walks up to the three of them, and starts in with the baby talk -- "What a pwecious wittle baby," etc., until Brian glares at him like, "Stop breathing on my kid." Bed Guy coughs and says that they should get together again sometime. Brian doesn't roll his eyes, but I do. Brian's already forgotten Bed Guy by the time he's out the door. Brian's cute with the baby, but I don't hate him as much for it this time. Gus really is a cute baby. Lindsay tells Brian that they wouldn't have to drop by unannounced if Brian would come by the Happy Fun House more often. Brian tells her to talk to Melanie. Lindsay: "Can you blame her? The way you behave." But she doesn't say it like she means it. Brian says that Melanie is just jealous, because Lindsay loves him more than she loves Melanie. Well, could you blame Lindsay? The way Melanie behaves. Rather than explore that (ahem), Lindsay says that they have a child, now. "Yeah," Brian says, "You and me." Lindsay adds Melanie to that group, and says they should learn to get along for Gus's sake. Brian says he'll try, "if she douches." Just had to go there, didn't ya? Lindsay invites him over for dinner. Brian is skeptical. Lindsay is persistent: "Friday? Early? So you can still hit the bars?"
The Big Q-Mart. Fat Marly is busy insulting a customer at the cash register. Mike walks up and asks her if she's busy that night, and Marly quips, "Do you know how long I've been waiting for a man to ask me that?" Hard to say. How long have you been alive? Anyway, Mike needs help with inventory check that evening. Marly says she's got church choir practice. What a shock. The bigot is a faithful church-goer. Has that particular stereotype reached cliché status, already? Tracy overhears their conversation and volunteers to help Mike out. Tracy does the girl-crush thing very well, up to and including the trembling inflection, like she just hastorushthewordsout! before she loses her courage. Poor SOL. Sucker. Mike has no choice but to thank her and say that it will only take a couple of hours. Marly snarks, "[Tracy] wouldn't mind if it took all night." Mike frowns managerially at her. And she's mean to customers, too. Fire her ass.
Oh, for crying out loud, Justin's mom has taken him to therapy. Therapy, for God's sake. Well, now we know where the Drama Queen genes come from. Like, try being a parent first before you humiliate your son in front of a psychiatrist. Jennifer Taylor tells the shrink that she and Justin used to be close, but Justin won't talk to her, he's running away from her (how she managed to drag his ass into this woman's office is beyond me), he lies about staying over at Daphne's when she knows he's not (then why do you let him go, MOM), and she's found..."things." Things? Naked sketches of men. The shrink's eyes widen in shock. Give. Me. A. Break. Dude, this is Pittsburgh, not Kashmir. I'm thinking a woman with a doctorate in Psychology would probably be able to deal. This scene annoyed the crap out of me, especially since I'm starting to feel sorry for Justin, cringing on the edge of the couch. Jennifer says she just has to know -- and the therapist finishes for her, "if he might be gay?" "Might"? Are you kidding? Isn't that why we're here? You think he went galloping down the street because he was tired of driving? You think P-Flag the Clown and Gay-Boy-Michael dropped Justin off because he couldn't get shipped by UPS? Oh, but here's the capper: Jennifer, not even waiting for an answer, and not even addressing her son, "He's only seventeen. He's too young to be having those feelings." The Gay Man/Single Girl World Coalition emits a single high-pitched shriek as I throw this month's issue of Cosmo into the TV screen. Oh, really? And how old were you when you were sure you wanted to have sex with men, Jenny? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life. He's too young to have those feelings. Un-f'in believable. "Justin, how can you possibly know who you are?" Jennifer asks him. Wouldn't it be nice if you couldn't have sex unless you "knew who you were"? That certainly would have made the last five years of my life a hell of a lot easier. But I'm not bitter. No, wait -- yes I am. Jennifer totally deserves what she gets when the therapist asks Justin if he wants to say anything. Justin steels himself and says matter-of- factly: "I like dick. I wanna get fucked by dick. I wanna suck dick. I like sucking dick. And I'm good at it, too." Whatever else I say I might say about this kid, he's got balls to burn. Mrs. Taylor is on the verge of tears. The shrink has that bug-eyed look again, so will someone take away her license, please? "Well," says the shrink haltingly. "That's a start." Yeah, but where does she think the finish line is?
Luckily, my blood pressure is given a rest as the screen cuts to Brian giving an ad pitch to a man who owns a tire company. It's all metaphor: "Your existing campaign is solid, Mr. Telson, but you need more muscle to break out of the boring, family market box. Target males, of course, eighteen to thirty-four, featuring speed, fashion, visibility. You sponsor a NASCAR team, but you need a campaign to max the investment." Yeah, yeah, you're gay, you're hot. We get it. Brian's boss hypes him up with a little exposition -- Brian's their best ad exec, and his campaigns have won real-life awards, like the Clio. Telson's not impressed with Brian's creds, and is getting up to leave. Desperately, Boss Guy says that Brian's willing to go through different strategies with him, and later on, Brian can show Telson the town, getting him in anywhere he wants. Little does he know. Brian's boss asks, "Tell me, do you like baseball, Mr. Telson?" Brian visibly winces at the mention of sports. I'm still laughing my ass off at that one. Anyway, Telson says he has meetings in the morning, so he can't go out. Brian tries to stop him from walking out the door with promises of Steelers tickets and fun hi-jinks the evening before he leaves town. Telson says he'll give him a call if he has time. Everyone's pretty dispirited when Telson leaves the room. Brian gripes that Telson's just going to visit every ad agency in town, steal their best ideas, and take them where he wants to. His boss replies, "You just make sure where he wants to take them is here." No good shall come of this. Heed my words.
Liberty Ave, y'all. Not as pumping as usual. Must be a weekday, or something. The Boys are at the diner, and Brian's bitching about his day: "If I don't get this client, I'm fucked. And without lube." Emmett: "And that's a bad thing?" Um, Ouch. Mike and Ted sit across from them, Ted triggering my affection for strait-laced men in his crisp white button-down and black sweater vest. And a perfectly knotted black tie to match, too. Cu-ute. Mike looks like Mike. Debbie walks up, and cracks, "It's amazing how you can work anal intercourse into any conversation." Brian rolls his eyes, "Yeah, you try spending an evening with some breeder from Altoona, smoking cigars and talking about pussy." Does the breeder have to be Telson? Ted: "Yeah, I'd love to hear what you have to say about pussy." Brian shoots back, "That it's a good thing you've got one, because you wouldn't know what to do with a dick." Burn! Ted looks hurt, but I'm pretty sure Brian's just kidding around. Oh, my god, did I just defend Brian outside of a fight with Melanie?! This damn show is going to be the death of me. Debbie sits down to Michael and makes a joke about them getting dessert here, or at a bar down the street. For good measure, she pinches Michael's cheeks. As you can imagine, he's thrilled. Ted says he has some work to do at home. Emmett replies, "You'd think after checking out all those numbers during the day, you'd want to check out some at night." Ted replies that after his near-death experience, it's time to re-examine his "near-life. Woody's and Babylon are no longer deductible expenses." Awww. Sad Ted walks out the door. Emmett hopefully tells the rest of the table, "He'll be back." Mike says he can't go out either; he has to go back and restock the store. With SOL. Brian and Emmett rail on him to just tell her the truth. Emmett: "I always say, come clean -- or don't come at all." Hee-hee. Mike says they laugh at "faggots" at his job. Brian says that the only people who deserve to be laughed at are the ones who lie. And, by the way, he adds, Mike should stop leading SOL on. Mike protests that he's not: "We're just restocking cartons of toilet paper." Brian retorts, "Which you can use, because you're so full of shit." WORD. Mike walks out, frowning at him. Brian slaps the back of Emmett's head in solidarity. Emmett gives him a sidelong withering look and drawls, "Don't touch me." BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Mike's walking through the store, reciting a list of paper products they need to restock. He finds SOL on a ladder, restocking feminine hygiene products. Of course. What, you thought she was going to be in Sports Equipment? It's always hammer time on Queer as Folk. Although, I gotta tell you, no woman worth her salt tries to seduce a guy in front of a wall of maxi-pads. SOL makes a lame joke about being the store being "light on heavy-days and heavy on light-days." I can't even muster up bile, she's so pathetic. Mike tells her to take care of it. SOL pouts that he didn't laugh at her little joke -- he's only interested in work, and he never wants to have fun. Mike, who couldn't spot a trap if it had a neon sign on it, says that he likes to have fun. SOL points out that he never goes out with them after work. The GM/SGWC looks up the definition for "Fun" and "Drinks with Marly and SOL" isn't listed. SOL says that Marly told her that no one really knows what Mike's like, that he probably leads this double life. Sigh. "Double life"?! That's the pavlovian trigger for Mike to climb up onto the ladder with her and tell her that he's really "Laserman," a superhero who can read people's minds, which is supposed to be cute, but instead makes me wonder if he's been sniffing glue in aisle five. SOL thinks it's cute. But she's SOL. "So, Laserman," she asks, putting her hand over Mike's, "what am I thinking?" Probably not that he's impossibly stupid, which is what I'm thinking. Mike stammers, "We should probably get back to work." And in trying to walk away from her, forgets that he's on a ladder and falls off. Dork.
Meanwhile, at Woody's, Justin's wandering around without a shirt. He spots Brian and saunters over. Brian is less than elated. Justin tells Brian that he should take his shirt off, because he'll get a free drink. Brian: "I don't show my tits for a watered-down Bud." The Straight Girl Contingent coughs nervously. Justin asks Brian to buy him a drink. Brian tells him to buy his own. Justin reminds him that he's underage. Whew! This sexy banter is leaving me light-headed. Brian tells him that he should go home to his mom, who's probably worried. Justin relates the shrink story. Brian: "Well, maybe she's trying to understand you." He's a brat. What's there to understand? As far as I'm concerned, his mom is trying to treat the wrong problem. Justin's not so great with the casual repartee, because really, who believes that he hasn't been hanging around Liberty Ave. all night just looking for Brian? Justin asks Brian what his parents did when he told them he was gay. Brian's already spotted his conquest across the bar, but is paying enough attention to tell Justin that his parents didn't do anything, because he never told them. "It's not their life." Brian says, standing up, ready to walk over to his one-night stand. "I don't need their approval." Justin contemplates that as Brian walks away -- and spots Daphne running through the door. Huh? Practically hyperventilating, she tells Justin that it wasn't her fault, that her mom answered the phone and told his mom that Justin wasn't at her house, and Daphne didn't know what to do, so she brought his mom to the bar. Huh? Justin is ten types of horrified when he sees his "It's a good thing"-Ann-Taylor-wearing Mother walk in the door and take in all the shirtless gay boys. Justin tries to back up, but it's too late; Mommy sees him, and gives him this heartbreaking look that even I felt down into my toes. Justin bolts.
Brian and This Night's Trick murmur together. And who else should be checking Brian out from afar but Mr. Potential Client Man? Yup, that's right -- Telson is at the other end of the bar, to the only black guy to make it in front of a camera so far. No Good, I'm telling you.
The Happy Fun House. Melanie's doing some paperwork in the living room as Lindsay walks in tentatively, suffering from Jennifer Aniston syndrome again. What, is her prominent nipplage supposed to make up for not showing the lesbians having sex? Lindsay slides into Melanie's lap and does the bait and switch routine -- I'm gonna make out with you and hopefully you won't mind so much that I've invited Brian to dinner! Melanie's slightly mollified by the closeness of Lindsay's creamy cleavage, and doesn't yell.. Lindsay: "I'll make that chicken you like." Melanie: "I don't want him touching my silverware, knowing where his hands have been." Well, at one point, they were right about where Melanie's are now, but maybe that's her point. Lindsay tries the "Can't we all just get along" speech, "-- without making me the smiling lesbian in the middle?" Melanie says that no asked her to be: "Just leave [Brian] out of my life." Still calm, still fascinated by the cleavage. Wow, if that's the trick, Lindsay should just wander around topless all the time. Lindsay's all blah, blah, blah, he's Gus's father. Melanie: "Aren't we supposed to be an alternative family -- you know, two mommies?" Lindsay says that there's nothing alternative about them: "We're just as fucked-up as any other family in the history of the world." Melanie finally asks her what she wants; Lindsay says that she wants to be a good mother, she wants to be with Melanie...and she wants Melanie to give Brian a chance. Mel's out of the chair at that one. Whoa-oh, she's lost contact with the breasts! INCOMING! Lindsay: "He's a good person." He is? Melanie: "He's a selfish shithead." Well, I guess that's one thing you two have in common, huh? Lindsay: "Maybe, but he's honest. He tells the truth, and he doesn't pretend." Melanie, walking out of the living room: "I wish he would try." Because then she'd like him. Oh, wait, he still would have gotten to Lindsay before she did, so, you know, NOT. Lindsay says that she wishes Melanie would try, too. Or Melanie could just leave. Forever. But apparently my happiness is not in question here. With her back to the camera, Melanie slowly pulls off her top, and drops it on the floor on her way up the stairs, giving Lindsay The Look of Lesbian Acknowledgement. Argument's over. Lindsay grins and runs up the stairs after her. But once again, no actual simulated sex acts. Too bad for any straight guys out there. There's got to be at least a couple.
Brian's Penthouse. He walks in with This Night's Trick, who's all over him as they walk in the door, leaving it open. "And I'm a top," TNT tells him. "Yeah," Brian replies, "that's what all the biggest bottoms say." Snicker. Brian looks bored, bored, bored. Ho Hum. I'm bored just watching him. Past the two of them, Justin comes bounding up the stairs. "Oh, FUCK," Brian swears. From bored to annoyed in 1.5 seconds. Maybe that's why he continues to tolerate Justin -- however annoying he may be, he's certainly a new experience for Brian. TNT asks who he is, and Brian replies, "That's the President of my fan club." Whoops, don't tell Mikey! Justin tells Brian, "My mom's out of control. She's following me." Brian replies, "That must be an inherited trait." Yeah, it comes with the Drama Gene. Justin continues that he can't go home. And that would be...why, again? Brian tells him he can't stay with him. Justin, who has his Junior Drama Queen of America title to uphold, cries, "There's no where else I can go! Do you want me to sleep on the street?! I could be KILLED!" TNT stalks up to Justin menacingly, and tells him to get lost, "I was here first." Some maternal instinct is triggered, and Brian throws TNT out, instead. I have no idea where that came from, or why. I'm all appreciating the character development and all, but I mean, Gale Harold's face didn't change expression throughout the whole scene. Oh, could Justin be more in love? I don't think so. Brian backs up into the loft and tells Justin, "Look, I told you. I'm not your lover, I'm not your boyfriend, I'm not your partner, and I'm not even your friend. You don't mean anything to me." Justin tells him that he could be, if Brian gave him a chance. Ugh. Brian snickers, "Where did you learn to talk like that? Watching some teen drama?" Justin desperately tells Brian that Justin needshim. Brian, who bears no resemblance to Joey Potter: "You think you need me, because that's what you're taught to think, 'we all need each other.' It's a crock of shit. You're the only one you need, because you're the only one you've got. Brian strokes Justin's face, drawing him closer...and then throws Justin a blanket with his other hand. Psyche! Justin's sleeping on the couch tonight, baby, "and don't jerk off on it." Brian tells him. Justin's bummed. I'm liking Brian more and more.
Morning at the Big Q Mart. Marly walks in on SOL and Mike talking as they're lifting more boxes from here to there. Mike says he's "still stiff." SOL asks, "Stiffer than last night?" Marly tells them to keep it clean. SOL and I both tell her to shut up. Mike says that it's his neck -- he took Tylenol, but it's not working. SOL tells him he needs a chiropractor, and she knows a friend of a friend's chiropractor who used to work for the Steelers. Mike tries to wave it off, but SOL is insistent, in that totally perky way that even cheerleaders can't manage: "You need to take care of yourself," she says, running a finger up his tie. "I can tell, you're not very good at that." Yellow light, there, SOL. You know, Mike is her manager. Why doesn't he just say, "Tracy, you're a great girl, but I'm your boss, and it's just not professional"? He'd probably even get points for integrity or something. But apparently Mike likes the attention. Or he's just an idiot.
Brian's Ad Agency, Which they haven't named yet, so as far as I'm concerned, it's Brian's. Brian and the frowsy blonde from the first episode are walking down this winding staircase. She says that his boss, Ryder (cute) wants to see him. Brian says that he can wait: "all [Ryder] wants to do is tear me a new asshole." The blonde retorts that she always thought he could use another one. Yeah, by now, he probably could use one. No, you're right, I didn't really just say that. Anyway, Marvin Telson walks up to them, and Brian's pretty surprised -- he thought the agency was being blown off. Stay tuned. Telson, all silkily: "First impressions can be misleading. After you get to know somebody, you discover how much in common you really have." Whatever, Marvin. Brian asks Telson if he wants to go to his office and go over some ad ideas, Telson replies that sounds great, and he also wants to take Brian up on his offer to show him the town. Brian's all steaks and basketball, but Telson says, "No, I'm more in the mood for an evening that you might plan for yourself." Brian, who's pretty slow this ep: "And what sort of evening is that?" Telson says he wants to check out Babylon. Brian, with a shit-eating grin, "Why, Marvin. You old dog! Christ! Isn't anyone straight any more?" Hah!
Mike at the chiropractor's. Dr. Dave Cameron, way hunky, walks in and introduces himself. Mike can't stop staring at him. Dr. Dave's all business, and Mike's this close to getting giggly as Dr. Dave massages his back. Mike explains that he hurt himself at the store the night before, when he fell off the ladder. Dr. Dave tells him to lie down on his back, which Mike's a little hesitant to do, because that position might be a little...revealing. Mike, jovially, "This is my favorite position." Dr. Dave ignores Mike and cracks his neck.
The Liberty Diner as seen through the eyes of Mrs. Jennifer Taylor, walking through the door. Debbie calls out to her, "If you're looking for Saks Fifth Avenue, honey, you took a wrong turn." Debbie finally recognizes her as "Sunshine's Mom." And asks how Justin's doing. Jennifer tells her, like it's Debbie's fault, that Justin didn't come home last night, and wants to know if Debbie knows where he is. Debbie says that she hasn't seen him. Jennifer turns to leave, trying not to cry, and Debbie asks her to sit down and have a cup of coffee. Jennifer snaps that she gave up coffee. Debbie sighs, "Of course you did. How about some herbal tea, then?" Jennifer sits down, and Debbie goes through the packets of tea -- finding a random condom in the process-- until settling on a tea called "Get Happy," which has Jennifer written all over it. Mrs. Taylor bravely holds back her contempt. Debbie asks what Mr. Taylor thinks about all this. Jennifer says that he doesn't know. Debbie asks how he couldn't know. Seriously. Talk about "flames burning bright." Jennifer replies, "Same reason I didn't? He didn't want to?" Debbie tells her that there are far worse things for Justin to be than gay. Jennifer: "I just keep thinking it's my --" Debbie: "It's not." Jennifer: "If only I had --" Debbie: "You couldn't." Jennifer's annoyed -- obviously she's the first mother in the world who's ever been through this; how could Debbie possibly know what she was going to say? Debbie confirms that she asked herself the same questions, but "people are who they are." Debbie asks if Justin told her to fuck off, Jennifer says that wasn't even the worst of it: "He told the therapist that he likes dick." Debbie: "See, you already have something in common. I bet you were thinking you would never have anything to share again!" Well, there's an unpleasant image. Thanks, Debbie. Debbie, serious, tells Jennifer that more than anything, beyond all the tough talk, Justin's probably afraid that she'll stop loving him. Jennifer says that she could never do that. Debbie tells her to be sure that he knows that. Yeah, but she's going to have catch up to him, first. Good luck.
At the chiropractor's, the doctor's making Mike cross his legs, and he's leaning really close to him, applying pressure to his back. He asks Mike if this is his first time at the chiropractor's, and Mike replies, "Yeah, but if I'd known it was going to be like this, I would have come sooner." Bad-dum-bump! Dr. Dave leans into Mike's knees, and Mike groans. The doctor asks if he's hurting him, but Mike says he isn't, and then eagerly rolls over onto his stomach when asked. Ha! Dr. Dave tells him that the fall probably aggravated a pre-existing condition, and all Mike needs to do is rest and give it some time, "and let the swelling go down." Have we fulfilled our dumb-ass pun quotient for the night, yet? Dr. Dave tells him he can get up, but Mike wants to lie there for a while, "I feel great. Too great." Dr. Dave grins as he walks out the door, "Don't be embarrassed. It happens all the time. Even to football players."
Babylon. It's Big Dick Contest Night, and a raging drag queen is running around the stage with a ruler, measuring the pantless studs on-stage. Such a hard job. So to speak. Brian and Telson watch from the balcony. Telson's showing Brian pictures of his kids. Brian's says that's definitely a first for him at Babylon. We've all heard Telson's story before: he got married "before he knew" (right) and "by the time I knew what I was it was too late to change things," and he didn't really want to -- why should he destroy the life and family he loves? Brian: "So, you take care of business while you're away taking care of business." Okay, I have to interject here: the drag queen on the stage just disqualified a black guy (same one from Woody's) for having the smallest penis in the contest. Yeah, right, maybe in the Universe of Unfunny Ironies, but not in this one. That's one stereotype I feel obligated to stand by. The winner of the contest is a twinkie with a ten-inch penis. It's a wonder he can even walk. All the Hot Dancing Gay Boys take the stage as the contest ends. Brian asks Telson if there's anyone he wants to meet, "I happen to know the winner." Hah! Telson, practically salivating, says the twinkie's not his type, but there is someone at the club he's interested in. Brian asks him who. Keep up, Brian. Telson just smirks at him until Brian gets it. Brian snorts and sips his drink, shaking his head. Set phasers on "slimy."
Mike and Brian in Brian's jeep the day. Mike's shocked: "That's sexual harassment!" And he would know. Brian asks Mike to remind him to sue. Mike asks what Telson looks like, and Brian replies, "Like the kind of guy that if he dangled his dick in front of you, you wouldn't look twice. But if he dangled his account in front of you, you might consider it." Brian ALWAYS gets the worst lines. Mike laughs; Brian wouldn't actually do something like that, would he? Brian says he's done shady things before, and Mike points out, "That was for fun. You've never done anything like this." Brian gets all tough: "You are so beautifully naïve, Michael. This is business. You either fuck or get fucked." Mike: "Yeah, but which end are you on?" Word.
Justin's school. Jennifer drives up to Justin and a group of his friends. Justin tries to pretend she's not there. So, wait a minute -- Justin's had no parental supervision over the past couple of days, but he's still going to school? What a rebel. Better watch out, Justin, they're going to take away your bad-ass teenager card. Jennifer asks him to not run away from her, she's got a surprise for him, and wants him to come with her. Justin snorts, "Where, to another shrink?" Justin stomps away, but Mrs. Jennifer Taylor of Pittsburgh, Jaguar owner, has good and gotdamn well had enough, thank you very much. She parks the car and runs after him. She screams at him, "Stop running from me, because I'm not running from you!" Thank you! Big Drama Queen Boy. Jennifer tells him that he's still her son and she still loves him, no matter what. Justin may finally be starting to feel like an idiot.
Big Q Mart. Mike gets ambushed in the gardening section by SOL, who hands him a huge gift basket. Keep in mind, he's already carrying a hanging plant around. It's a "Get-Well Basket!" she proclaims, cheerfully. "Ben-Gay, aspirin, hot-water bottle, everything you need for a pulled-muscle." Except a freakin' smaller basket to haul around. Dr. Dave turns the corner, walking up behind Mike. People on this show are ALWAYS doing that. Mike introduces Dr. Dave to Tracy, who then scampers off to do her job, or something. Who cares? Mike tells him that it was great to run into him at the store, Dr. Dave says that it's not a coincidence, Mike told him where he worked. Mike says it was nice for him to come by and check up on him. Dr. Dave replies that it was no problem: "Besides which, I need a screwdriver." Oh, you need a screwdriver. Of COURSE you do. Not a mop, or a new set of dishes. Mike agrees to show him where Hardware is, and Dr. Dave adds that he also wanted to ask Mike out to dinner. Mike's like, "Huh?" Marly takes this moment to interrupt them, because there's some kids in the store being more obnoxious than she is. She gives Dr. Dave the once-over, 'cause he's looking mighty fine, and then skitters off. Mike says that he didn't realize that Dr. Dave was gay, but that no one at the store knows that Mike is, too. How did Dr. Dave know he was gay? Dr. Dave replies, "You know that little problem you had in my office?" Mike: "Yeah, but you said that also happens to football players." Dr. Dave: "Only the gay ones." Well, duh, Mikey.
The Museum. Justin and his mom walk through the galleries, as Jennifer babbles about how much she misses coming to the museum with him. They're getting along pretty well, even after Jennifer implies that she's the reason he's an artist. She encouraged him, she means. Jennifer walks up to a painting of a Victorian-age woman holding her child and tells Justin that it's always been her favorite; in fact, she put it on his birth announcement. Justin's busy checking out a grunge-puppy on the other side of the gallery. He and Grunge Boy exchange the Look of Homosexual Acknowledgement. Jennifer is oblivious. The painting's really pretty, though. A techno beat pumps faintly in the background. Heads up. Sex is coming. Grunge Boy jerks his head out of the gallery, prompting Justin to tell his mother that he has to use the bathroom. Jennifer does a double take when she sees Justin and the other guy walking out of the room together, but decides to not do anything about it. She sits in front of the painting (O! The IRONY) while Justin has sex with Grunge Boy in a stall. Brian would be so proud!
Mike and Emmett's place. Mike's telling Emmett and Ted about his upcoming date with Dr. Dave while Emmett gives himself and Ted pedicures. He seems especially concerned that his mom not find out, "she doesn't need know every time I go out with someone." Ted, snickering, "Every time you go out with someone is once a year." See? So, don't feel so sorry for Ted when Brian gives him a hard time. He dishes it out, so he can take it. Emmett asks what Dr. Dave is like, Mike says, "Old." Ted frowns, "How old?" Mike: "Older than you." Ted, nodding, "That's old." Snerk. Emmett: "Well, think of it this way -- [older men] don't come as quick, and they have lots of money." You know, the older I get, and probably the more money I make myself, the less and less that seems such a great deal. Because sometimes you just want to get some damn sleep, okay? Mike tells them that Dr. Dave is taking him to some restaurant called "Papagano's," which Ted tells him is really expensive. "How expensive?" Mike asks. "More than your tax return." Ted replies. Mike works at the Big Q Mart. My Old Navy pajama bottoms are probably more than his tax return, but whatever. Mike is not pleased to hear that. "What are you wearing?" Emmett asks him. Mike frowns, "I don't know [looking down at himself], this?" Gay or no, Mike's definitely a guy. Emmett's like, not on my watch, "Now put down Captain America, and come with me." Ted frowns, and lifts his foot out of a basin. "I'm still soaking, here!" Hee.
Brian's Penthouse. Brian, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans because apparently my heart is too healthy these days, opens the door to find Mike -- oh, man, I know I'm not going to describe this right -- wearing Emmett's orange parachute pants, blue cheetah-print (!) muscle shirt, and his hair's all spiked out to hell. As I bust up laughing, Brian asks: "Who did this thing to you?" Ha! Mike, all hang-dog, tells Brian that he has a date. Brian gives him a big proud papa hug, "Mikey's got a date!" Michael says he's going to call and cancel, because there's no way he can go looking like this. Word. He looks like the lost member of N'Sync. Brian tells him he's not canceling the damn date, and gets a bag of clothes. He throws Mike a black silk t-shirt out of the bag. Are these clothes he just bought, or was he planning on donating them to the Salvation Army or what? If it's the later, there's going to be some nicely dressed homeless people in Pittsburgh this winter. Mike says it's weird going on a date. Brian replies, "Make sure he opens the car door for you, and pulls out your chair." Heh. Mike's agrees that it's so "hetero," and then asks Brian, all wide-eyed, "Have you ever been on a real date?" Like it's the Lost Ark of the Covenant. Brian said he did go on a real date once: "I ended up fucking the waiter." Don't surprise me like that. My heart's not that healthy. Darn it, now I have "It's Gonna Be Me" running through my head. Brian gives Mike a pair of pants, and Mike stammers, "I don't know what to do, or say." Shyeah, welcome to my world, pal. Brian tells Mike just to be himself. Good advice, but I still hate it when people say that. Mike: "Yeah, that should make the time just fly by." Or make Dr. Dave fly away, whereas all your problems will be solved. Chin up. Brian says that he's been told that dating gives you the opportunity to get to know people before you have sex with them. Mike: "What a dumb idea!" I guess that's one way to look at it. Mike continues, "What if you don't like them?" Brian: "What if you do?" Baby, when you fi-NA-lee / Get to love some-bah-dee / Guess What / It's Gonna Be Me! Sorry. Brian's being really nice, helping Mike adjust his sleeves, patting down his hair and stuff. Gale and Hal are getting better at this "best friends" thing. Brian asks who the date is, and Mike groans, "No one. I don't even know why I said yes. I guess I felt sorry for him or something." You felt sorry for him? Ha hahahahah! Why, because he couldn't find anyone better to stalk? Brian replies, "Oh, a mercy-fuck, huh?" Yeah, for Dr. Dave, maybe. Mike says they might not have sex, Brian reminds him that he's being taken out for an expensive meal, and Dr. Dave might want a little payback, you know what I'm saying? After five episodes, you certainly should. Brian, adjusting Mike's clothes one final time in front of the mirror, continues, "And this should do the trick, and make him want to do the trick." He wraps his arms around Mikey affectionately. It's really disconcerting when Brian's nice. I like my cognitive dissonance dissonant, all right? Brian asks him what he thinks of the threads, Mike replies, "I think I look like you." Yeah, in a sort of "why are you wearing nice clothes two-sizes too big for you" kind of way. Brian tells him, "You look fantastic." And then nicely, with a friendly kiss, "You are fantastic." Awww. Brian walks Mike to the door, and Mike asks what he's doing that evening. Brian tells him that he's "entertaining a client." Mike can't believe he's really going to hook up with Telson. Mike may be naïve, but it's still not a good idea. Brian looks at himself in the mirror once Mike leaves. A very bad idea, Brian.
The Happy Fun House. Candles on the living room table, nice silverware, folded cloth napkins, and Lindsay and Melanie, all alone. No Brian. Melanie's all judgmental in the door of the living room, every fiber of her being crying, "I told you so!!" She snarks, "How long can you keep the chicken warm?" Lindsay's obviously hurt and disappointed, but hey, as long as you've made your point, Melanie. Lindsay says that she put it in the oven. Melanie replies, "Sounds like my mom's recipe -- cook for one week, remove all flavor, eat." Lindsay's already feeling bad, and now you're going to insult her cooking, too? What is Lindsay doing with this bitch? Melanie's practically vibrating with righteous vindication. Lindsay gets up from the table, ready to walk away from her tired, gloating ass. Melanie stops her with a hug, but just won't let it go; she tells Lindsay that it's obvious Brian's not coming. Lindsay says that "Brian's always --" Melanie finishes, "fashionably late?" This is really uncool. Melanie snorts, "When will you ever learn?" Shut the F up, Melanie. Like you would have been decent if he did show up. Lindsay bolts upstairs.
Telson's hotel. Brian's wearing his "Rebel Without a Clue" outfit from last episode, but without the sunglasses. He walks down the hallway in slo-mo, to bopping techno music. There's got to be a handbook for slo-mo use out there somewhere, and I'm willing to buy the directors one, because the need is obvious. Brian knocks on the door, and a bellboy answers, smirking at Brian as he walks past him. I don't even wanna know what's going on there. Telson's on the phone, but pauses to tell Brian, "I wasn't sure you'd come." Brian closes the door behind him with a grin: "I always come when I say I'm going to." Tell that to Lindsay.
Papagano's. Dr. Dave and Mike sit at a table in the middle of the dining room, while waiters glide to and fro and smooth jazz plays in the background. Dr. Dave orders a glass of wine, and Mike orders a Diet Pepsi. Uh-huh. Dr. Dave asks him, looking at his jacket, "Is that Hugo Boss?" Mike, swerving around to look behind him: "Where?" Great. A fully-dressed replay of Brian and Justin's "Do you like Special K/I like Cheerios better" scene from the premiere. Don your helmets, y'all. And yes, for those of you burning to know, the jacket is designed by Hugo Boss. Mike says that he actually borrowed the clothes from a friend. Dr. Dave replies, "I bet he doesn't look half as good in it as you do." Yeah, maybe if you cut Brian down the middle while he was wearing it. Mike says that Brian looks better in it. Dr. Dave says that he finds that hard to believe. He must actually like Mikey, because that's a big ole lie. Now I'm feeling sorry for him. Mike doesn't get it, and starts talking about how gorgeous Brian is: "He looks good in everything, he looks good in nothing." Just because it's true doesn't mean it's good first-date conversation. Dr. Dave asks if Brian has a nice body -- um, why are you encouraging him? Mike snorts and says does he EVER! Shut up, Mike. Now. Mikey says that when Brian walks into Babylon, "heads turn like police lights on him." Dr. Dave: "Sounds like I could do a fortune doing neck adjustments." Mike shakes his head, "Everybody wants him." Dr. Dave asks if that includes Mike. All together, now: "No. He's my best friend." Dr. Dave says that's good, because he was starting to get jealous. Hold on to that feeling, buddy. Mike says it doesn't even matter, because Brian's not interested in him. Dr. Dave: "I'm surprised. I'd think it would be very easy to be interested in you." Well, familiarity does breed contempt, believe me. He's not selling this "wow, you're so fascinating" bit. What is he basing this on? A hard-on on his examination table and Mikey's mastery at juggling baskets? The waiter shows up with the bottle of wine, letting Dr. Dave sample before he pours a full glass. Dave pronounces it "excellent." Mike's obviously intimidated. Another waiter puts down his Diet Pepsi, in a wine glass with a straw sticking out of it. Mike raises his own glass, "This is excellent, too." Dr. Dave can't decide whether to grimace or laugh, so he says that collects wine: "I just bought a bottle of '61 Petrus on eBay." Like this means anything to Mikey -- or to me, for that matter. Mike's all excited, though, because he just bought a rare Flash comic book that he's been looking for for years! Dr. Dave has no idea what he's talking about. Wow, I guess these two have nothing in common. WE. GET. IT. Dave's looking like maybe this wasn't a good idea, but amends that Mike is obviously "passionate" about his collection. Michael says that whenever he gets a new comic book, he feels "like I'm a kid again, up in my old room." Dr. Dave grins, "The mystery of the perpetual boy." That sounds like it's from something, but I don't know what. It's too poetic for the writers to have come up with, for sure. Dr. Dave offers a toast to "The Flash."
Telson's hotel room. Brian stands in the middle of the room, while Marvin tells him, "Go on. Take it off. Everything." And Brian without his can of "Raid." Telson settles himself into a chair with a class of wine. Ew. Brian sighs, like he could care less. "You want a show? Sure, why not." He takes off his shirt, and is unbuttoning his jeans (no, he's not wearing any underwear) when Telson stops him. He wants to unbutton Brian's jeans himself! Ick. Telson tells Brian that he has a beautiful body. Brian rolls his eyes and replies, "I know." Bored, bored, bored. What's a stud to do? Telson pulls Brian's pants down, and woo hoo! We get to see Brian's butt. So, the two-butt shots per episode rule is still in force, and aren't we the better for it? Telson's leaning in when the phone rings. Brian asks Telson if he's going to answer it. The older man crawls across the floor to get the phone, and it's his wife. Apparently, something happened to his daughter, but Telson tells his wife that he can't leave: "I'm in a meeting. There's too much going on." Brian, listening, lounges naked across one of the chairs, and swigs from the bottle of wine. He looks at himself in a mirror on the wall -- because the point wasn't made with the mirror in his apartment -- and his expression reads either "I look damn good" or "What the hell am I doing with this asshole?" Could be both. Telson tells his wife that she's going to have to take care of it, and he'll be home tomorrow. When he hangs up, Brian asks what's going on, and Telson tells him that his daughter broke her arm playing basketball. Brian says that she's hurt, and she probably wants him to come home. Telson says that she'll be all right: "She'll understand." Brian: "That you're down on your knees sucking cock?" Okay, she'll probably understand it when she gets a little older. Telson says that he can't do anything, anyway. Brian says that he can. Brian picks up the phone, calls the front desk, and tells them to prepare Telson's bill, and call him a taxi to take him to the airport. Telson's not sure if he's kidding. Brian's not kidding. "Your visit to Queer World is over, Marvin. You better go back to your wife, your kids, and your thirty-million-dollar-a-year business. You'd be a fool to throw that away." Telson says that Brian isn't as smart as he thought: "What are you going to tell Ryder when you don't get the account?" Oh, I guess Brian wasn't threatening him. If I were Brian, I would have threatened him, not to mention pointed and laughed some. Brian, picking up his clothes and walking out of the room naked, "I'll tell him we couldn't provide the services you required." Gale Harold needs to spend less time demanding butt shots and more time demanding better lines. Seriously.
Dr. Dave's car outside of Michael's apartment. After thanking him for dinner, Mike asks Dr. Dave if he wants to come up. Dr. Dave declines because of an early appointment. Mike leans over and kisses him, which Dr. Dave stiffly returns. And then Mike drops his head down into Dr. Dave's lap. Dr. Dave is shocked, like he's never heard of such a thing! He pulls Mike's head up and asks what Mike's doing. It's called a blow job. All the hip gay men are getting them these days. Disconcerted, he tells Mike that he asked him out because he wanted to get to know him, "not for a quick fuck." Gasp! He opens Mike's car door, and Mike gets out, clearly confused.
Babylon! Oh, Hot Dancing Gay Boys, how I've missed you! There's nothing like an oiled-up man wearing a sparkly cowboy hat and flinging around a boa to brighten up your day. Mike finds Emmett and Ted in the middle of the dance floor. Emmett's hugging Ted with one arm, telling him, "I knew you couldn't stay away!" Ted replies, "I'm here strictly as an observer." So am I, but observing is fun, too. Look at the Shiny Cowboy Hat Men! Mike's in a pissy mood, and Emmett calls him on it: "Somebody ate something that disagreed with him." That's the problem, actually. Somebody didn't. Mike grabs Ted's beer bottle, and whines that Dr. Dave paid for dinner, and then didn't want to sleep with him. Mike drinks some beer while Emmett comes up with creative excuses for why not, like maybe Dr. Dave has a bad prostate or only one testicle. Ohhhkay. Ted grabs his beer bottle back from Mike...but wipes off the top with his sleeve before he drinks from it again. Hah! I'm leaning towards Ted and Emmett getting their own show. Who's with me? Mike whines that Dr. Dave didn't want to sleep with him "because [he's] not Brian!" What the hell are you talking about? He hasn't even met Brian. And if he wanted someone "hot" like Brian, then why did he stalk you to the store and ask you out and buy you an expensive meal? You sported a woody in his office, for god's sake. He knows you're a dork. Ted and Emmett agree with me that that's bullshit. Emmett opines that the Doc is the romantic type: "Maybe he won't fuck you until the second date." Right, haven't you people ever heard of The Rules? Oprah did a show on it. Surely the lives of straight people aren't such a big mystery. There's shows about us on television, you know. Anyway, Michael doesn't care: "I'm going to find somebody who wants me!" There's someone standing right in front of you, asshole. Or have we so soon forgotten Ted's Armoire of Hidden Love? Ted obviously hasn't, from the look on his face.
Brian knocks on the door of the Happy Fun House. Lindsay pulls back the curtain window and tells him, "The kitchen's closed." And turns back to go upstairs. Brian knocks on the door again, and of course Lindsay ends up letting him in. Brian asks if she was sleeping. Is he kidding? Lindsay says, "We have a newborn. We never sleep here." But I bet you she likes it when they try -- it's probably the only other time Melanie shuts up. Brian says that he's sorry for missing dinner. Brian looks pretty tired and hurt. Lindsay replies, "Don't apologize. It doesn't become you." And it's scary, too. "And don't think you can flash that smile and get away with it. That might have be cute at twenty, but at thirty it's starting to get a little pathetic." Brian pouts as he says, "Twenty-nine." Lindsay breaks. That's okay, Lindsay, he's gotten to me, too. She asks Brian if he's eaten. He hasn't, so she takes him into the kitchen. St. Lindsay, making the world a better place one onerous homosexual at a time.
Babylon. Mike has entered Babylon's Back Room of Hot Sex. You know, blue-lit young men engaged in various simulated acts of which Jerry Falwell would not approve. Mike wanders around in a daze, checking out the talent, while men groan in ecstasy all around him. I can't believe I wrote that with a straight face. I turn down the sound, just in case my neighbors can hear. My inner prude always cuts in at least once an episode.
Happy Fun House. Lindsay walks into the living room with a plate of chicken and stops short. Brian is lying on the couch cuddling Gus, tugging at my heartstrings again. Lindsay's touched, and trying to hold back tears. For some unfathomable reason, this moment is ruined by the soundtrack, a song whose lyrics repeat, "Sexy Boy / Sexy Boy." Uh. Excuse me, Mr. DJ Dan Inappropriate? Knock it off.
Back in the Back Room of Hot Sex. Mike starts macking with some guy, while the song goes on. I know, this is what they meant, but still. The Back Room Guy looks Mike over and says, "You're fantastic." Like Brian did. Get it? Just making sure, because sometimes those swings don't hit where they're supposed to. BRG goes down on Mike, as Mike tries to enjoy it. The scene cuts back and forth between Mike at the club and Brian holding the baby. Freaky Friday, indeed.
Grade: B+. Sure, Daphne showed up for two seconds, and Brian only had sex once this week, but he got naked or naked enough, like, three times, and I'll give them points for character development. A couple more episodes of Brian being nice, and I'll probably get used to it. Maybe.
show is in two weeks. Mike tells Dr. Dave that he likes him, and Dr. Dave tells Mike that he's adorable, but Dr. Dave still doesn't sound like he means it. Justin's been drawing pictures of Brian naked while Brian's asleep, and that's little creepy, frankly. Brian perches on Mike's lap while he introduces himself to Dr. Dave. They whip it out, but it remains to see which one's bigger. Jennifer sees Brian and Justin together, and is naturally terrified. She tells Debbie that she thinks Brian is going to hurt Justin and asks what she should do. Because Debbie's done such a good job of keeping her own son away from Brian. Not.