Episode Report Card Camper: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Now Approaching...The Line
By Camper | Season 1 | Episode 5 | Aired on 01.06.2001
Mike and Emmett's place. Mike's telling Emmett and Ted about his upcoming date with Dr. Dave while Emmett gives himself and Ted pedicures. He seems especially concerned that his mom not find out, "she doesn't need know every time I go out with someone." Ted, snickering, "Every time you go out with someone is once a year." See? So, don't feel so sorry for Ted when Brian gives him a hard time. He dishes it out, so he can take it. Emmett asks what Dr. Dave is like, Mike says, "Old." Ted frowns, "How old?" Mike: "Older than you." Ted, nodding, "That's old." Snerk. Emmett: "Well, think of it this way -- [older men] don't come as quick, and they have lots of money." You know, the older I get, and probably the more money I make myself, the less and less that seems such a great deal. Because sometimes you just want to get some damn sleep, okay? Mike tells them that Dr. Dave is taking him to some restaurant called "Papagano's," which Ted tells him is really expensive. "How expensive?" Mike asks. "More than your tax return." Ted replies. Mike works at the Big Q Mart. My Old Navy pajama bottoms are probably more than his tax return, but whatever. Mike is not pleased to hear that. "What are you wearing?" Emmett asks him. Mike frowns, "I don't know [looking down at himself], this?" Gay or no, Mike's definitely a guy. Emmett's like, not on my watch, "Now put down Captain America, and come with me." Ted frowns, and lifts his foot out of a basin. "I'm still soaking, here!" Hee.
Brian's Penthouse. Brian, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans because apparently my heart is too healthy these days, opens the door to find Mike -- oh, man, I know I'm not going to describe this right -- wearing Emmett's orange parachute pants, blue cheetah-print (!) muscle shirt, and his hair's all spiked out to hell. As I bust up laughing, Brian asks: "Who did this thing to you?" Ha! Mike, all hang-dog, tells Brian that he has a date. Brian gives him a big proud papa hug, "Mikey's got a date!" Michael says he's going to call and cancel, because there's no way he can go looking like this. Word. He looks like the lost member of N'Sync. Brian tells him he's not canceling the damn date, and gets a bag of clothes. He throws Mike a black silk t-shirt out of the bag. Are these clothes he just bought, or was he planning on donating them to the Salvation Army or what? If it's the later, there's going to be some nicely dressed homeless people in Pittsburgh this winter. Mike says it's weird going on a date. Brian replies, "Make sure he opens the car door for you, and pulls out your chair." Heh. Mike's agrees that it's so "hetero," and then asks Brian, all wide-eyed, "Have you ever been on a real date?" Like it's the Lost Ark of the Covenant. Brian said he did go on a real date once: "I ended up fucking the waiter." Don't surprise me like that. My heart's not that healthy. Darn it, now I have "It's Gonna Be Me" running through my head. Brian gives Mike a pair of pants, and Mike stammers, "I don't know what to do, or say." Shyeah, welcome to my world, pal. Brian tells Mike just to be himself. Good advice, but I still hate it when people say that. Mike: "Yeah, that should make the time just fly by." Or make Dr. Dave fly away, whereas all your problems will be solved. Chin up. Brian says that he's been told that dating gives you the opportunity to get to know people before you have sex with them. Mike: "What a dumb idea!" I guess that's one way to look at it. Mike continues, "What if you don't like them?" Brian: "What if you do?" Baby, when you fi-NA-lee / Get to love some-bah-dee / Guess What / It's Gonna Be Me! Sorry. Brian's being really nice, helping Mike adjust his sleeves, patting down his hair and stuff. Gale and Hal are getting better at this "best friends" thing. Brian asks who the date is, and Mike groans, "No one. I don't even know why I said yes. I guess I felt sorry for him or something." You felt sorry for him? Ha hahahahah! Why, because he couldn't find anyone better to stalk? Brian replies, "Oh, a mercy-fuck, huh?" Yeah, for Dr. Dave, maybe. Mike says they might not have sex, Brian reminds him that he's being taken out for an expensive meal, and Dr. Dave might want a little payback, you know what I'm saying? After five episodes, you certainly should. Brian, adjusting Mike's clothes one final time in front of the mirror, continues, "And this should do the trick, and make him want to do the trick." He wraps his arms around Mikey affectionately. It's really disconcerting when Brian's nice. I like my cognitive dissonance dissonant, all right? Brian asks him what he thinks of the threads, Mike replies, "I think I look like you." Yeah, in a sort of "why are you wearing nice clothes two-sizes too big for you" kind of way. Brian tells him, "You look fantastic." And then nicely, with a friendly kiss, "You are fantastic." Awww. Brian walks Mike to the door, and Mike asks what he's doing that evening. Brian tells him that he's "entertaining a client." Mike can't believe he's really going to hook up with Telson. Mike may be naïve, but it's still not a good idea. Brian looks at himself in the mirror once Mike leaves. A very bad idea, Brian.
The Happy Fun House. Candles on the living room table, nice silverware, folded cloth napkins, and Lindsay and Melanie, all alone. No Brian. Melanie's all judgmental in the door of the living room, every fiber of her being crying, "I told you so!!" She snarks, "How long can you keep the chicken warm?" Lindsay's obviously hurt and disappointed, but hey, as long as you've made your point, Melanie. Lindsay says that she put it in the oven. Melanie replies, "Sounds like my mom's recipe -- cook for one week, remove all flavor, eat." Lindsay's already feeling bad, and now you're going to insult her cooking, too? What is Lindsay doing with this bitch? Melanie's practically vibrating with righteous vindication. Lindsay gets up from the table, ready to walk away from her tired, gloating ass. Melanie stops her with a hug, but just won't let it go; she tells Lindsay that it's obvious Brian's not coming. Lindsay says that "Brian's always --" Melanie finishes, "fashionably late?" This is really uncool. Melanie snorts, "When will you ever learn?" Shut the F up, Melanie. Like you would have been decent if he did show up. Lindsay bolts upstairs.