Remember how, in the last episode of the first series of Queer as Folk, Stuart came on to that guy at the art gallery, not realizing it was someone he'd already been with in the past? And remember how he invited the guy back to his place, and the guy was like, "Mariner's Court, right?" and Stuart was all freaked out that the guy knew his address? Well, I guess that embarrassing interlude was enough to motivate him to move, because the opening scene of Queer as Folk Season Two finds Stuart, Vince, and an attractive guy with a shaved head (rowr) walking through the door of Stuart's new flat, which is much more huge and modern and -- one would guess -- expensive than his old one, which wasn't exactly a cardboard box on the side of the motorway. "Must be nice, living on Canal Street," the bald guy comments. Oh, so it wasn't the incident with the guy at the art gallery that made Stuart move, after all; he just needed to be closer to the action. After the number of guys he got through in the first series, you'd think Canal Street would come to him. The bald guy says that he's seen Stuart and Vince around a lot, and asks if they're a couple. Vince explains that they go back years and were at school together. "So is this what you do, then? Threesomes?" queries the bald guy. "First time," Vince responds. "At your age?" says bald guy. Vince was asking for that. "First time together," he answers. The bald guy tells them that if they want to shag, he doesn't want to be just an "extra cock." Hmm, is there such a thing as an "extra" cock? Wait -- forget I asked that. Vince, visibly nervous, says, "Thing is, [Stuart] gets his kit off, I'm just going to be laughing." Stuart walks across the room towards the bald guy and says, "That's good sex." It is? Er, okay. Stuart starts snogging the bald guy while Vince looks terribly embarrassed and unsure of what to do. He then kisses the bald guy while watching Stuart's reaction. The bald guy puts his hand on Vince's crotch while they're kissing and remarks that there's "not much going on down there." Vince blushes and says nervously, "Give it time." Well, the passage of time could result in an erection, I suppose, but I'm sure there are other things which would do the job a lot more quickly. Or so I've heard. The bald guy sits on the couch and is immediately pounced upon by Stuart, who hovers over him and snogs his face off. Vince sits to the bald guy, who puts his hand on Vince's thigh. Vince has no idea what to do, so he just pats the guy's hand gingerly. Yes, pats his hand, people. Sigh. Looking for an escape, Vince spots Stuart's mobile on the coffee table and hits the digit that automatically dials his own phone. When it rings, he answers and does the requisite fake, "Oh. My. GOD!" before making his way to the door with a story about his neighbours being burgled. Stuart realizes what he's done, picks up his mobile off the table and puts it to his ear, saying, "Fuck off, then," and going back to snogging the bald guy without wasting another second on Vince, who's still standing at the door looking embarrassed. I'm almost embarrassed for him, but there's really no good excuse when you're being offered a threesome with two hot guys and the most daring move you can make is to pat somebody's hand. Vince has been hanging around with Stuart for sixteen years and that's the best he can do?
Cut to Hazel, dressed head-to-toe in leather on a motorbike. She pulls up to an establishment called Nero's Sauna, goes inside, and heads straight for one of the interior saunas. When she opens the door, three startled males jump up from their tangled mass; one of them -- surprise, surprise -- is Stuart. "Stuart Alan Jones -- you have a wank, I'll get the coffee," Hazel tells him. When Stuart joins her in the sauna's café, she holds up two wedding invitations. One is for Hazel and her guest, the other for Vince and his guest. Vince's half-sister is getting married, and he doesn't have anyone to take, so Hazel's asking Stuart on his behalf. Is it just me, or has Vince's SBQ (Sad Bastard Quotient) risen exponentially since the last series? First he runs for the hills before the threesome even gets underway, and now his mother's asking guys out on dates for him. If he were in high school, he'd be taking his brother to the prom. Anyway, Stuart says there's no chance he's going to go to the wedding with Vince. Hazel assures him that there will be loads of people there, and they won't look like a couple, if that's what he's worried about. I like how she felt the need to use the word "if." Stuart just grins, and Hazel suddenly announces, "They found Nathan." His smile growing more broad, Stuart asks, "Nathan who?" Then Hazel, seemingly unable to stick to one subject for more than a nanosecond, asks him about the fact that he and Vince left the club the night before with a third guy. "So?" Stuart responds. "Do us all a favour," Hazel tells him. "Cut out the middle man." Do us a favour, Hazel, and lay off the self-tanning lotion, because I'm sure you didn't get that orange glow from the blazing hot sun of Manchester. I mean, I love you and won't hear a word said against your personality or even your parenting skills, as I'm sure that Vince is a freak of nature and that his Doctor Who obsession and perpetual lameness have nothing at all to do with the way he was raised, but...Ixnay on the Unsay Edbay.
At work, Vince is telling Marcie and Rosalie about his half-sister's upcoming wedding. He says that they have the same father, who married a rich woman called Yvonne when Vince was six, and they live in Macclesfield and are loaded, and Vince barely knows his sister, Judith, because they grew up so far apart. (I should point out for the benefit of non-UK-based readers that Macclesfield is less than a forty-minute drive from Manchester. Maybe it's because I'm from the US and would routinely drive forty minutes just to get to and from work every day, but I think the British have a very skewed concept of distance and time. Hate mail to the usual address.) As Vince is talking to his co-workers, a tall, thin man with a moustache (read: he's pretty damn smarmy) comes over and announces that he and his girlfriend, Sally, have gotten engaged, and then invites them all to the pub after work for a celebratory drink. "Wedding fever. Clever little bastard," Marcie mutters as the guy, Graham, walks away to tell other people the good news. Vince watches Graham and pretends to shoot him with a scanning gun.
Up in his office, Vince calls Stuart and tells him that he bets Graham beats him for the promotion to deputy manager, as the bosses will just love having a family man in the ranks: "He may as well marry the shop. It's promotion guaranteed and he knows it. Bastard." "Who gives a shit? It's a supermarket, Vince," Stuart says with an arrogant laugh. "Thanks very much," Vince replies, and Craig Kelly delivers the line so perfectly that I rewind the DVD a handful of times just to hear that one sentence. "Oh, they found Nathan," Stuart tells him with a chuckle, ignoring his best friend's worries. "Nathan who?" Vince asks as his boss walks up behind him. She asks him if he's on a personal call, and he lies, saying that he's talking to the distributors and quickly hangs up the phone. "There's a memo on its way. The interview's on the fourteenth. We've narrowed it down to two -- you and Graham," she tells Vince. "Marvellous news about the engagement," she adds. "Oh, I was chuffed to bits," Vince replies, in a way that ensures his boss has no idea he's being sarcastic, but the viewer sure does. That's the second line from Craig Kelly in this episode that made me laugh so much I replayed it ten times in a row. He's definitely got the sad-bastard role down pat, so I hope he doesn't get typecast. Anyway, his boss comments that she was thinking about having the company pay for the drinks at the pub later on, to make it into a bit of a party. "Mind you, it's a party every night for you lot," she sniffs before walking away. Vince just stands there, probably thinking that Stuart would've known what to say to that.
Speaking of Stuart, he's babysitting his two nephews at his flat. The older one, a boy of about eleven, who's called Thomas, is up in the loft surfing the web. Somehow, I doubt Stuart has Net Nanny installed on his PC; call it a hunch. Stuart is playing downstairs with the younger nephew, Benjamin, racing Matchbox-type cars on a huge racetrack. Thomas calls out to his uncle that a kid at school is selling all of his Tomb Raider stuff for twenty-five quid. "I thought I just gave you a tenner last week," Stuart answers back. Thomas's only reply is, "I like Big Cock City," and Stuart jumps and runs up to the loft where his nephew is looking at a porn site that we can safely assume is one of several hundred Stuart has bookmarked. I bet he even has an Adult Check ID...not that I have any idea what one of those is. Uh, anyway. Stuart pulls the plug on the computer, making the mpeg playing onscreen -- that of some guy giving another guy head -- disappear into the ether. "Nan and Granddad don't know," Thomas says menacingly. "You're a poof and they don't know." He tells Stuart he wants the twenty-five pounds or else he'll tell Stuart's parents that he's gay. Stuart stares at him evenly, then shouts downstairs. "Benjamin, do you want some chips?" he calls without looking away from Thomas, and Benjamin races up to the loft. Stuart hands him some crumpled notes, still not moving his gaze from the older boy. "This is twenty-five quid," Benjamin says, counting the money. "It won't cost that much." Stuart tells him it's his treat and to keep the change. "I'll get millions of chips!" Benjamin cries out, and Thomas says, "I'll go with you," making a move towards the stairs.
Stuart won't let him go, though, and Thomas runs around the computer desk and then down the stairs, where Stuart catches him and carries him into the bathroom. Yes, it's what you thought: swirlie-time. Thomas yells and screams, and to be honest, I'm surprised the boy didn't drown considering how long Stuart held his head in the toilet bowl, but at least the bathroom looks pretty sterile (and, of course, impeccably kitted out). After finally letting him up, Stuart goes back to the racetrack and kneels to it, playing with the cars by himself. Thomas emerges from the bathroom looking waterlogged and angry, and he tells Stuart that he wants a hundred pounds a week: "Because my dad wants access. My mum doesn't want to give him access, but I'll tell them you touched me," he threatens, crying tears of embarrassment and frustration. What an evil little bastard! I'm so not surprised that he's related to Stuart. Uncle, meanwhile, stares straight ahead as if he may have just crapped in his pants.
On Canal Street, Vince is leaning up against a low wall, smoking and -- was there any doubt? -- waiting for Stuart. They go to the Union, the karaoke bar where Nathan made his speech about Christian Hobbs, and sit at a table with Hazel, Bernard, and Alexander. Nathan appears, looking way hotter than he ever did in the first series and smiling on his triumphant return from the Big Smoke. "Oh, piss off, Anakin Skywalker, we're busy," Alexander snaps. Nathan sits down and, with a smile, asks Stuart, "Did you miss me?" "Why? Have you been somewhere?" Stuart shoots back, also smiling. Alexander jumps up to greet a tall, frumpy woman who looks conspicuously out of place in the bar. She pulls Alexander aside with a very serious look on her face. As Hazel asks Nathan what's become of Donna ("Where's your friend? Did you leave her lap-dancing in London?"), and Nathan complains that Donna's mother's locked her up in the house and even made her change classes at school to avoid Nathan, Alexander and the mystery woman are deep in conversation, with Alexander giving an occasional "I don't care" shrug of his shoulders. Nathan asks Stuart if he wants to go to GAY at Paradise on Saturday, and Stuart replies that he can't as he's going to a wedding. "Since when?" Vince asks, taken aback. "Fine, I'll go with the kid," Stuart replies sarcastically. "Whose wedding?" Nathan wants to know. "Family," says Stuart, putting an arm around Vince and grinning at Nathan.
Hazel, who's gone to the bar to get drinks, is standing close enough to overhear the conversation between Alexander and the mystery woman, and she's looking at Alexander with deep worry on her face. Alexander continues to shrug his way through the chat, and when the woman finally leaves, he goes up and sings the Andy Williams song "Music to Watch Girls By." Uninteresting but true fact: Andy Williams re-released that song as a single in the UK last year, hoping to capitalize on its use in a ubiquitous car commercial (see also: Kravitz, Lenny and Overrated, Moby). The sad thing is, it not only sold loads of copies, but also Andy Williams appeared on Top of the Pops and sang the song in front of a captivated audience of fifteen-year-olds. First TOTP, and now Queer as Folk. Who knew Andy Williams had street cred? While Alexander sings, Hazel is asking Vince for a loan. "How much do you need?" he asks. "A hundred quid," she replies timidly, and is greeted with a huge sigh from Vince. He says he'll give it to her but asks her why she doesn't go to Alexander for a loan. "He spends enough on vodka," Vince tells her. "Reckon he needs it," Hazel responds, obviously referring to the conversation she overheard.
Dazz -- who still looks weird for a cute guy, and who still cannot act his way out of a wet paper bag -- is working at the bar when Nathan saunters up. "Heard you ran away," Dazz says. "No, I just went to London for a bit," Nathan responds, a hint of defensiveness in his voice. Sensing that Nathan probably wants to boast about his time in the big city, Dazz doesn't give him the chance (Go, Dazz!), and instead tells Nathan what a great time he missed on Saturday night. "Guess who I shagged?" he asks Nathan, before nodding in Stuart's direction. "He's good," Nathan replies before asking Dazz what time he gets off work. "Why?" Dazz asks. "Why do you think?" Nathan smiles. Stuart, meanwhile, is just sitting at the table with a fixed gaze, looking frustrated, worried, and angry. He looks around at the tables of young people, and when Vince approaches he jumps up and complains that the place is full of kids. Vince tells Stuart that, according to what Hazel heard, Alexander's father had a stroke, lost his speech, is completely paralysed, and might die. "Good," Stuart responds firmly. "Yeah," Vince says.
The day, Bernard drops off Hazel, Alexander, Stuart, and Vince at a huge hotel in the country for Judith's wedding. Wait a second. I'm not sure how much time's elapsed since Hazel flashed the wedding invitations at Stuart in the sauna café, but I have a feeling somebody didn't RSVP -- either on time, or at all. I don't want to have another go at Hazel, since I really think she rules, but I hope someone buys her a Miss Manners book for whatever holiday it is fag hags celebrate. Mardi Gras? Never mind. Inside the reception hall, Vince warns Stuart to behave as the bride, Judith, makes her way to them and distributes hugs and kisses to all. She calls her new husband over to introduce him; his name is Adrian, and she shouts it like Sylvester Stallone in one of the Rocky films. Classy! Her second fuck-up is introducing Stuart as Vince's boyfriend, eliciting an annoyed look from Stuart. After the bride and groom move on to the other guests, Vince insists to Stuart that he never said they were boyfriends. Stuart can't seem to take his eyes off of Adrian, though, and smiles at Vince: "I bet you a thousand quid." The colour drains from Vince's face. "Please, don't shag the bridegroom. Please!" he begs Stuart.
Later on, at a table in the hotel's lavish gardens, Vince and his father are sharing a drink. Vince tells his father about the promotion to deputy manager that he's up for and says he's thinking about buying a house. His father, who seems like a Really Nice Guy™, says that if Vince needs any financial help with buying a house, he'd be happy to help, since he paid for Judith's wedding. "And, well...you're never going to marry," he says, almost as if he's breaking the news to Vince for the first time. Just then, Alexander brings a drink to the table for Vince. "It's called a Jill Dando -- one shot and it goes straight to your head!" he explains, referring to the BBC news anchor who was shot in the head at point-blank range and killed outside her home in 1999. Bwah! Oh, wait -- that was totally unfunny. Not that I'm offended by it, unlike the British tabloids, which expressed outrage at the joke when this show aired, but it's just not funny. I sure hope Alexander isn't losing his touch. Vince's dad looks a wee bit horrified by Alexander, and when Alexander runs off, Vince looks apologetically at his father and changes the subject: "Adrian's nice." He then tells his dad that he and Stuart might get a house together, since Stuart's so rich and all. Hmm, I bet Stuart would be interested to hear about that.
Back at school...hey, wait a second. Why is Nathan at school on a Saturday? I know the British school system is a bit different from the American in its way of doing things, but it's not that different. So not only does Menhaj Huda direct this series with enough quick cuts to give you vertigo, but he can't even deal with simple continuity issues. In any case, Nathan walks through a set of double doors and is confronted by Christian Hobbs, who's standing by a window sticking books in his backpack. "Been avoiding me?" he asks Nathan, who responds that he hasn't. Christian asks whether he still goes to Canal Street -- not in a threatening way, but as if he's some kind of friend or something. "There's some right twats down there," he jokes with Nathan. "Yeah," Nathan answers, smiling. "It's all right, though," Christian comments. "Not bad," Nathan says and then adds that he's got a boyfriend now. He looks down and grins, then smirks at Christian and says, "You missed your chance." "What's that mean?" Christian asks, suddenly quite serious and not at all friendly. "Nothing," Nathan says, his grin disappearing. "What the fuck does that mean?" Christian repeats, and Nathan remains silent. "You're dead," Christian threatens him, stalking off down the hall. I think Christian Hobbs is odious -- hot, yet odious -- but still, that was a really fucking stupid thing for Nathan to say. And oh, it's so good to have him back and on form!
At the wedding reception, Vince's father is making his speech, and the motley crew is sitting at a table in the back of the ballroom. Stuart's chomping on a cigar. He asks Hazel if Vince's father was a good shag, and Hazel replies that she only had sex with him once. "Hush," Vince says, both disgusted and actually interested in hearing his father's speech. "Middle of Piccadilly Gardens," Hazel whispers. Alexander calls her a slut, to which Hazel responds, "There was a war on!" "Yeah, in Vietnam!" Alexander shoots back. "But was he any good?" Stuart wants to know. Hazel says that she was only fifteen and makes a sarcastic remark about the fact that he was a pervert taking advantage of her. "I mean, who'd sleep with a fifteen-year-old?" she asks cheekily, as Stuart raises his eyebrows Groucho-style and wiggles the cigar between his lips. Hazel reminisces about taking Vince to see his father in Macclesfield and makes some pointed comments about father/son relationships, prompting Alexander to respond, "Up your arse, I'm not going to see him. Comprendez vous?" "Non, je ne comprende pas," Hazel answers. "Don't get fancy, lady," Alexander warns her, staring straight ahead towards the dais.
After school, Dazz gets together with Nathan so he can have dinner at his house and meet Janice. Walking down the street, Nathan warns Dazz not to talk about "things" in front of his mother. "What things?" Dazz asks. "You know what things! Sex!" Nathan replies, frustrated. "Oh, like I'm going to say, 'Nice fish fingers, excuse me while I shove them up my arse'?" Dazz jokes. "And you would!" Nathan cries out. "God, no wonder your dad left home," Dazz mutters. Over dinner with Janice and Nathan's little sister, Dazz spins many a tale about how he's going to go back to college and do night classes, and about being Marie Antoinette on a Mardi Gras float, while Nathan looks embarrassed and irritated. After they eat, Janice is doing the dishes and Nathan comes in and starts slagging Dazz off, expressing doubts about going out with him, while Janice defends him. "But don't you think he's a twat?" Nathan asks her. Janice laughs. "Well, that's one way of putting it," she replies.
At the reception, Hazel is sitting with Vince's father and watching Alexander dance outrageously with three little girls. Vince's father remarks that "those boys" are always joking, smiling, and acting very jolly. "Yes, and they make such good pets," Hazel replies. Stuart is at the bar, talking to Adrian, and Vince is sitting across the room at a table, talking to Judith. Adrian says to Stuart that Vince is a nice guy and good looking. Stuart looks startled, looks at Vince, and does a double take. "You think that's good looking? That's not good looking," he laughs. Adrian disagrees. "Judith said, 'Wait till you meet my brother; he's really handsome. Such a waste.'" Stuart takes a step back, and looks even more flabbergasted than he did a second ago. "A 'waste'? Go on, what's a 'waste' exactly? What is wasted?" he asks angrily. "Hold on..."Adrian says, and Vince notices the trouble brewing from across the room. "Oh, no. Back in a minute," he says to Judith, making his way to the bar. "What, a waste of cock, a waste of spunk, a waste of a fuck -- what?" Stuart demands of Adrian. "And you, you're not wasted; you get vagina, you get Judith." Adrian tells him not to talk about his wife like that. "You get to fuck the front, and that's better," Stuart spits at him, as Vince comes between them. "Hiya!" Vince says cheerfully, just before Stuart grabs him and shoves his tongue down his throat. "That's not a waste," Stuart says to Adrian after the kiss is over. Stuart walks away with Vince quickly on his heels, and he complains that Vince told everybody they were boyfriends, or at least lets everyone believe it's true.
Later, Stuart stands alone on the balcony, sipping brandy and staring into the night. Hazel walks out and joins him, marvelling at the hotel and saying it all could have been hers. Stuart points out that it couldn't have been, as it's Vince's father's wife who's the one with the money, and Hazel tells him not to ruin a good story. "Did you love him?" Stuart asks her, referring to Vince's father. "No, just fancied him rotten," Hazel replies as they both look into the reception at Vince and his dad, sitting at a table and talking. Stuart compares them to two nodding dogs, and Hazel asks him if he ever fancied Vince. "You've been drinking," Stuart says in mock evasion. "I never drink," Hazel answers innocently. Me neither! She then tells Stuart that she remembers what he and Vince were like when they were fourteen. "You would've shagged a letterbox -- why not him?" she asks. "Nope." "You saying my son's ugly?" Hazel asks jokingly, and Stuart gives a shrug and a smile, as if to say, "Well..." After a moment, Stuart says, "You've got to fancy them, never mind love. Love can fuck off," he snarls, looking down. "If you fancy them, there's blood, there's a hard-on. If you just love them..." he trails off. Then he grabs Hazel, snogs her, and places her hand on his crotch. Oh, ick! "No blood," Stuart says when they part. After a pause, Hazel grabs him, kisses him, and puts her hand between his legs. "Just checking," she says afterwards. "What about him?" she asks, gesturing towards Vince. "Would he find blood?" Stuart looks at Vince. "Let's find out," he says, marching back into the reception and over to the table where Vince is sitting with his father. Stuart extends his arm towards Stuart's hand and beckons him with two fingers. (Make your own joke about that one.) "Piss off," Vince says, still annoyed at him. Stuart makes the same gesture again, and Vince finally gets up to dance with him. "Fancy staying the night?" Stuart asks him as they hold onto each other and sway to "Spanish Eyes." Vince says they could try to have a threesome with the barman, as he's been looking at them the whole night. "Cut out the middle man," Stuart says, and I'm pretty sure the sound we hear is that of Vince shitting his pants. Hazel watches all this unfold, near tears. Later, when she and Alexander stand in the hotel lobby and watch Stuart leading Vince upstairs to their room, Alexander quips, "Well, that was quick. Only took sixteen years." Heh.
In the room, an Interflora delivery van has exploded, apparently. There are pink tiger lilies all over the place, and the walls and bedding are all done up in dark pinks and reds. It's nice and butch...except for the "butch" part. Stuart stands on one side of the bed, Vince on the other, and they slowly get undressed, looking each other in the eye. Vince folds his trousers all nice and neat. Woo, turn the passion down a notch, Dalek boy! "You know what Phil used to say?" he asks Stuart. "That you were saving me for your old age." "Assuming you'd want me," Stuart says. "Assuming that, yeah. Like one day you'd be past it, and you'd go down Canal Street and they'd all be kids, laughing at the sad old man. And I'd be there waiting...apparently," Vince says with a small smile. "A long time to wait," Stuart replies. "You'll be thirty soon -- ancient," Vince jokes. "So the day I shag you, I'm old," Stuart says. Vince shrugs: "According to Phil." "Well what the fuck did he know about anything, anyway?" Stuart asks. "Yeah," Vince responds, not really agreeing with him, just ending the conversation. "Better get some sleep. Long day tomorrow," Vince says. "Yeah, me too," Stuart utters, turning away from Vince. And are you shocked to learn that, through the night, Stuart sleeps nude and soundly while a t-shirt-clad Vince lays flat on his back and stares at the ceiling? Nah, me neither.
In the morning, Vince and Stuart are walking down the hotel stairs and into the lobby when Vince's mobile rings. Surprise, surprise, it's Hazel, claming to have lost an earring the night before. She asks if they're still at the hotel, and Vince and Stuart smile knowingly at one another. "Did you have a nice time?" Hazel queries. "Fantastic," Vince replies. "Did you stay up late?" she wonders. Just then her phone beeps, and Vince points out that her call-waiting is going. Hazel tells him to hold on and clicks over. "Hazel. Fuck off," Stuart says into his mobile when she answers, then clicks the phone shut as he and Vince laugh at her.
After taking Vince to work, Stuart goes over to Marie's new house to help her and the boys move in. He's dressed in a suit. Good way to get out of doing any actual work; I'll have to try it sometime. Stuart and Marie's parents are also at the house, bickering about kettles and tea. As Stuart walks towards the house, Marie emerges. "I can't believe it. You've come to get your hands dirty," she says jokingly, obviously not noticing that he's wearing a suit. "Ohhh, yes," Stuart replies as he glares down at Thomas. In the lounge, Stuart's father, Clive, is assembling some shelves, his mother and Marie are unpacking, and the kids are just sitting on their asses. Stuart is leaning up against the wall, staring at Thomas as if he's daydreaming. The boys' grandmother says they must be bored to tears, and tells them to go play in the yard if they want. "It's much more fun at Uncle Stuart's flat," Thomas says, fixing Stuart with a mischievous look. Marie walks through the room into the kitchen and tells Stuart that's a hint, as the boys are dying for a big-screen TV like his. "No it's not," Thomas insists, saying it's fun at Uncle Stuart's because all his mates come 'round. "Like Vince?" Stuart's mother asks. "Yeah, Vince is one of them. Lots of men, all the time," Thomas replies, meeting Stuart's gaze, and Marie looks alarmed to hear this, as Clive looks nervously at Thomas, both of them knowing what he's intimating.
Clive asks Stuart to give him a hand with the shelves he's putting together. "I can't," Stuart says, still leaning against the wall, still staring at Thomas. "Course you can, I just need a hand," Clive insists. "We don't do hammers, or nails, or saws. We do joints and screws, but that's different," Stuart replies. "Who does?" his mother asks. "Queers," Stuart answers. Marie says she's going to make some sandwiches, desperately trying to prevent the scene from unfolding any further, but Stuart continues: "Because I'm queer. I'm gay. I'm homosexual. I'm a poof, I'm a poofter, I'm a ponce. I'm a bumboy, baddieboy, backside artist, bugger. I'm bent. I am that arsebandit. I lift those shirts. I'm a faggot-ass, fudge-packing, shit-stabbing uphill gardener. I dine at the downstairs restaurant, I dance at the other end of the ballroom. I'm Moses and the parting of the red cheeks. I fuck and I am fucked. I suck and I am sucked. I rim them and wank them, and every single man's had the fucking time of his life. And I am not a pervert. If there's one twisted bastard in this family, it's this little blackmailer here. So congratulations, Thomas. I've just officially outed you." Remember when I said that Stuart driving the Jeep through the car dealership's window was the best scene ever? I lied. Stuart's mother tells the boys to go outside and play, as Marie chases after Thomas and asks him what he's been doing. Stuart's mother then stands up, looking as if she might cry. "Eight years old. Ben's eight years old," she says, seemingly more horrified that Stuart talked so explicitly in front of the children than by the fact that he's gay. And I guess that's good...right? Not missing a beat, Stuart says, "Oh, and one more thing. Did I mention I've got a baby?"
As Hazel said a few episodes back, some boys don't come out of the closet -- they explode. It just took Stuart thirty years to detonate.