"D'you think I look lesbian?" Hmm, great opening line, that. Romey and Stuart are ambling across the lot at a car dealership, Stuart holding Alfred while Romey worries about that day's impending interview with the officials from the Home Office who are reviewing Lance's visa application. "I mean, [they] deal with fake weddings all the time. Maybe they can just tell." Stuart roundly ignores her qualms, thanking her for the lift to the car dealership. A salesman beams as he watches Stuart kiss Alfred and Romey before they depart, looking for all the world like an attractive yuppie family. The salesman follows Stuart as he saunters around a Jeep similar to the one Nathan's father totalled, trying to pitch him on a different model: "Just think Sahara; it's more expensive, but I've got to be honest about the Sport...We get a lot of gay guys buying this one. And fair enough, they're cutting edge, those boys, but a man like yourself...I'm thinking image." Stuart cuts him off: "I like this one." The salesman doesn't know when to shut up. "Thing about those lads," he says, as if he's sharing some trade secret with Stu, "money to burn. Then they die young, so we get the resale value." Stuart glares at his back as the salesman heads into the showroom, telling his potential customer to go ahead and take the Jeep for a test-drive. As the salesman sits at his desk, Stuart revs the engine and they smile at each other, the salesman giving a little wave. Then Stuart drives the Jeep through the showroom window. Yes, really. Bodies fly, papers go in all directions, and when Stuart finally hits the brakes, he sticks his head out of the Jeep and asks in his jolliest manner, "Where do I sign?" Best. Scene. Ever.
Across town, Vince's co-worker, Marcie, is back from her holiday in Scotland and asking the other girls in the store for all the latest gossip. Vince, as you might imagine, is a bit worried by this, especially when he walks past the women all clustered together and they laugh uproariously as he passes. I'm sure he gets that reaction a lot, though.
Meanwhile, at school, Nathan's English teacher is discussing Wilfred Owen and his time in the military, when Christian Hobbs points out that the poet was "queer." The teacher thanks Christian for his insight, and tells him it has nothing to do with the poetry, before adding a snide remark about how Owen probably found plenty of things to do in the trenches other than fight. "Sir, they all said, 'Here comes Owen -- backs to the wall!'" Christian cracks. Donna whips 'round to look at Nathan, who is sitting at his desk, staring straight ahead and seething. So far, I'm thinking Stuart's having the best day out of all these guys, which is really saying something. After class, Nathan tells Donna that he's going to leave school when he's sixteen and get a flat with Dazz and a job in a bar on Canal Street. Christian Hobbs walks toward them and Donna rages at him, "Had a good look, then?" Nathan asks Donna what her outburst was all about, but she demurs. "Was he looking at me?" Nathan asks her excitedly. Donna informs him that not everything that happens is about him, not every look they get is about him, and offers the comment that her mother's boyfriend's moved in by way of explanation. "Like you care," she adds. "It's all Nathan and Dazz, Dazz and the flat and the Village. Me, I could be bleeding from the eyes." Well, if Nathan keeps wearing that orange t-shirt from episode seven, blood could very well drip from all our eyes. (I promise, I'll recover from that spectacle soon enough.) Nathan looks genuinely ashamed and apologizes, asking her how things are going at home. "He's okay. He keeps walking out the bathroom naked," she says quietly. Let's all hope Nathan feels suitably shitty at this point, shall we?
At Stuart's office, Sandra and the secretaries are howling with laughter over Stuart's little stunt at the car lot. Apparently the dealership threatened to sue the company -- as the Jeep was to be a company car -- and Stuart's boss came back with a promise to counter-sue and go to the press with what the salesman said, making the dealership back off. Jeez Louise. Only Stuart could drive a Jeep through a plate-glass window and walk away from it smelling like roses. This time around, I admire that. Stuart then gets a call from Lisa, who is hovering outside the house, trying to look in the windows and see what's going on; according to the report she files with Stuart, the Home Office officials arrived a half hour early, marched in and got right down to business with Romey and Lance. Lisa was asked to leave the room, as Lance told them she was the babysitter. Stuart tells Sandra to cancel all of his appointments for that afternoon, grabs a teddy bear off his desk, and continues talking to Lisa as he makes his way to the Keep. "Have they got the letters?" he asks. "They've got something...Oh, yes!" Lisa exclaims as a scuffle breaks out inside the house when Lance snatches the letters away. "Jesus Christ, you stupid dyke, what's happening?" Stuart barks down the phone, ever the charmer. The Home Office official is trying to grab the letters back from Lance, who then hauls off and punches said official. "Fantastic!" Lisa squeals, hanging up on Stuart and running to the house. When Stuart arrives, Romey is in tears. She runs up to him and demands, "Was it you? Was it you?" "What?" Stuart asks, feigning ignorance. "I was driving past, I bought this for Alfred," he says, holding up the teddy bear. Romey continues to ask him if he was the one who told the Home Office the marriage was a scam, then sees Lance being led out of the house in handcuffs and runs to him. Lisa explains to Stuart what's happened, adding caustically, "I think his application for a visa is officially null and void." Romey sobs as Lance is put into the back of a police car and implores Lisa to go with him to act as his solicitor. Lisa begs off, saying she's personally involved and wouldn't be allowed as his attorney, but rushes off to phone someone from her office to go in her stead. Romey turns on Stuart again: "Of course it was you! You never liked him, you never wanted him in that house!" Stuart still claims not to know what she's talking about. "They knew. They knew the wedding was a fake, they had my things from the house." As a paramedic escorts the Home Office guy from the house, Romey asks him who gave them the letters. "Not allowed to say," he tells her, wiping blood from his nose, "but the time you see Nathan Maloney, tell him thanks a bunch." Romey is stunned and continues sobbing. Stuart may just feel guilty this time, but I'm not holding my breath.
Later, Stuart dials Vince's number, then thinks better of it and hangs up, but not fast enough to keep the call from registering on Vince's mobile. The display tells him that it was Stuart who called and hung up, and Vince is puzzled. He doesn't have long to think about it, though, as Rosalie approaches with some folders. "It was your tie. There was a man on Changing Rooms last night, he was wearing the same tie. We were laughing at your tie." Vince smiles and looks a bit uncomfortable. Rosalie tells him that she hasn't said anything about him being gay to anyone, then adds, "If you're ashamed, then...that's up to you." Vince says he's not ashamed, and she shoots back, "You're not exactly proud, Vince." Rosalie hands him the folder, then smiles despite herself and says, "It's not that bad. The tie." Vince, relieved she doesn't hate him, starts to tell her how much it cost and where he got it, but Rosalie turns quickly on her heel and walks away as he's mid-sentence. Salt.
Over at Hazel's, Bernard is outside working on his motorcycle when Stuart's Jeep pulls up. Romey and Lisa are along for the ride. "Hazel, we've got lesbians!" Bernie calls out, to which Hazel replies, "And I'm all out of herbal tea." Haw. Inside, Nathan defends his actions to the assembled crowd: "You treat that baby like a toy, like you don't care. And Lance, he'd take over, he'd be the dad. And you'd do nothing. But I know, I know what you're like -- you love him and you'd never say. So I said it for you." This whole Nathan-as-sweetheart routine doesn't sit very well with me, so let's hope it doesn't last. "Lance is going to be deported!" Romey cries out, and Nathan tells her straight up that he doesn't care. "I don't give a toss about Lance. Look at the rest I've done -- left my family, and all of it, Donna and that. Just for you," he says to Stuart. "Keeps coming back to you, Stuart," Romey hisses. "How was I to know?" Stuart asks innocently, but obviously feeling really guilty. It's obvious to the viewer, anyway. "It's your fault, it's all your fault! Cos you just shag," Romey says venomously, still weeping. "You keep going, every night, and you never look back. Just look back, Stuart. Look at what you've done -- look at him," she fumes, referring to Nathan. She maligns the fact that she chose Stuart to father her child, and Hazel jumps to Stuart's defense: "You chose Lance as the husband, and look at him. Slightest bit of trouble, out come the fists. Do you want a man like that living with your kid?" Hazel doesn't even mention Lance's taste in ugly-ass sweaters, but all Romey can offer is a subdued, "Maybe not."
we see Cameron and Vince inside a semi-crowded art gallery, carrying glasses of wine. Vince is talking about his love of dogs-playing-poker paintings and Magic Eye art when they spot Stuart and he spots them. Cameron suggests they leave, but Vince insists he can be in the same room with him and just nods slightly in Stuart's general direction. They watch as Stuart then walks up to a very cute, bleached-blond guy who wears a suit rather well. Stuart shakes his hand, clearly going in for the kill. "We could go to Canal Street," he says to the blond, a mere ten seconds after shaking his hand. No time-waster, our Stu. "What, and then go back to yours?" the blond asks. The ever-agreeable Stuart has no problem with that, and the blond asks him if he lives at Mariner's Court. A bit surprised, Stuart says that he does. The blond smiles coldly. "I've been there. I must've made such an impression," he says sarcastically. "Right! Right, yeah, course you have!" Even Stuart could not play this one off, I suspect. "Nice to see you again," the blond says, turning away. As Vince and Cameron continue watching, Stuart makes the uncharacteristic move of going after a disinterested party. He suggests they go for a drink and is told to forget it. "We'll go back to mine," Stuart says, to which the blond responds, "Just fuck off, okay?" Stuart won't give up, though. "Come on. I bet I was good," he says cheekily. "I said 'fuck off' all right? Now what part of that don't you understand?" the blond asks, extremely annoyed, before walking away. Vince looks at Stuart sadly, while Cameron enjoys watching Stuart get humiliated. "Pathetic," he smirks. Um, pot, have you met kettle? Later on, Stuart is slumped against the steering wheel of the new Jeep, drunk and giggling, when a hand grabs the key out of the ignition. "Let's get a cab," Nathan says.
At Chez Vince, Cameron is brushing his teeth while Vince takes a bath and babbles on about Stuart: "He's all bloody image. We were in Babylon once, we're off our heads, and Alexander's going mental. So we ended up dancing on a podium. You know, like twats, we looked stupid -- so what? And Stuart, he just walks away like we're dirt!" Cameron tries to ignore the Stuart talk and tells Vince he got some travel brochures for a trip to Australia. When Vince comments that that's a great -- but expensive -- idea, Cameron offers to pay. Vince utters a non-committal, "We'll see," then starts another story about Stuart. Cameron storms out of the room, slamming the door, then returns and says, "I love you." Vince looks completely gobsmacked as Cameron flees the room again. No, I don't get it, either.
Back at Mariner's Court, Stuart asks Nathan if he wants sex. "Suppose I owe you a favour," he says, still drunk. Nathan responds firmly: "I didn't do it for a shag." Stuart pauses, then tells him plainly, "It's all I've got to offer." Oh my gosh, I almost feel sorry for Stuart. Almost. The moment passes quickly enough, though. Nathan smiles, and asks him how many men have had sex in that flat. "Twenty-seven million," Stuart replies, and Nathan laughs. Uh, Nate, he's not bloody joking, son. Nathan, suddenly more clued-in than he's ever been, tells Stuart that he realises the night they met, Stuart only took him home because he was there: "I was just on tap. That's all I was -- on tap. You don't even like me." "You're not so bad," Stuart responds. "Really?" No, actually, you are that bad, Nathan. Don't believe a word of it. "Let's just say you're not the twat I thought you were," Stuart tells him, grinning. Gee...thanks? "Is that all?" Nathan asks playfully. "That's all." Nathan looks at Stuart and says, "Yeah, well...One day." Stuart laughs, "Oh yeah." Nathan makes a move to leave, but Stuart asks him to stay for a coffee. "What for?" Nathan queries. "I don't know -- what does anyone have coffee for? It's just coffee." Nathan says he'd better go, and Stuart suggests that they could watch a video. "Not porn," Nathan says, inexplicably. Suddenly sex + Stuart doesn't appeal to him? Whatever. Stuart says that it's not always porn and asks him to stay for a bit. "D'you want me to?" Nathan asks. Unless I'm imagining things, he just asked you to stay -- why complicate matters? Stuart shrugs. "D'you want me to stay?" Nathan repeats. "Don't mind," Stuart replies nonchalantly. "D'you really want me to stay?" Um, Nathan? Shut up already. "Yeah," Stuart replies. A smile spreads across Nathan's face as he says, "Who'd have thought? Stuart Alan Jones -- begging me to stay." Nothing like lording it over, eh, Nathan? "If you think that's begging, you'd better not ever find yourself homeless," Stuart tells him. No doubt. So Nathan stays, and Stuart falls asleep while they sit in front of the TV. Nathan has just gotten up to go home when the Warhol-style print of Vince catches his eye. He stares at it, then at K9, and picks up the robot and runs out of the flat.
In the morning, Vince is rushing around his flat, trying to get out the door for work while Cameron sits at his dining table in a suitably Grandpa-esque bathrobe. Vince babbles as he tries to collect his things and leave, until Cameron says, "You don't have to say anything back." Well, if he's referring to the night's proclamation of love, I don't think Vince has said anything back, so the only conclusion I can come to is that Cameron sucks and is stupid. Funny how it always ends up that way, isn't it? Vince finally heads out the door, and when he gets to the Mini he sees K9 sitting on the roof. Cut to a shot of Stuart, working from home, seated at his PC. His mobile rings, and Vince's name appears on the display. He lets it ring several times and then answers, "What?" Vince is in his office. "Thought I'd better say thanks. For K9." Stuart looks around the flat and sees that the robot is missing. "I mean, he's great, and...I know the circumstances were a bit, sort of...But he's great. Or it's great. Whatever. He. I think Tom Baker says he. So thanks," Vince continues. "Any time," Stuart replies. "Better go," says Vince, and -- though he clearly wants to say more -- he hangs up. The shots show Vince and Stuart each glancing longingly at their mobiles, and the second Vince's rings he answers it. "What you doing for lunch?" Stuart asks.
At the restaurant, Vince makes a half-hearted attempt to be unforgiving over the whole Rosalie incident, telling Stuart that although she's not going to say anything to his co-workers, he's still got to look at her every day and be her boss. Stuart is silent, offering no apologies. "How's Cameron?" he finally asks. Vince tells him that Cameron wants to take him on holiday to Melbourne. "The poor sod," Stuart mutters. "Give him six months, he'll be able to name all the Doctor Who's." He pauses and then quickly names them himself: "William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Tom Baker, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy." "What about Paul McGann?" Vince asks. In unison, they both say, "Paul McGann doesn't count." How very pitiful...yet strangely sweet. They smile at each other, and then Vince says that things are okay with him and Cameron: "It's a bit of a love job, actually. Says he loves me." Without pausing, he asks Stuart how he is, how Alfred is. Stuart just sits there and stares at Vince, sensing that he wants to say more. And Vince does: "It pisses me off, though. The first one to say 'love' -- he's in charge. Puts him in charge. I dunno, it's all a bit...grown up. You're supposed to ask if I love him." Stuart looks at him evenly and says, "You can't. You can't even respect him. He loves Vince Tyler, so that makes him stupid. The moment he said it, it all just died." Vince looks like he's taken a fist to the stomach, because he knows Stuart's got him sussed. "Me, though. I can't be the best shag he's ever had -- he's Australian! I don't even know if I'm a good kisser. How do you know if you're a good kisser?" Vince asks. "You just know," Stuart responds with a grin. "Fuck off," Vince says affectionately. "It's not as if I've ever...done anything," he tells Stuart. "You've done nothing, Vince," Stuart replies. "You go to work, you go for a drink, you sit and watch cheap science fiction. Small and tiny world. What's so impressive about that? What's there to love?" Vince agrees: "Yeah." Pause. "It was good enough for me," Stuart tells him. Okay, who else totally wanted to cry at this scene? In a perfect world, all this dialogue would be added to a remix of some Elvis Costello or Leonard Cohen song, instead of stuff like Renee Zellweger and Tom Cruise from Jerry Maguire being remixed into a lame Bruce Springsteen track and put on heavy rotation by adult-contemporary radio stations across the land. The injustice of it all overwhelms me. Stuart grabs his jacket, saying he's late and needs to go. "And tell him what you like," he says to Vince. "You're in charge, not him. Tell him...Tell him he's lucky. See you around." Vince suggests they could get together for lunch again sometime. "Nah," Stuart says, smiling. "Sorry, Vince, but my world's huge." And then he's gone.
That night, Vince is at a karaoke bar on Canal Street, along with Hazel, Bernard, Nathan, Donna, and Alexander. Cameron is conspicuously absent, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't invited along in the first place. Three cheers for Vince! The fun is ruined, though, when Cameron shows up. Vince tells him he was just getting ready to come 'round, but Cameron doesn't buy it. Okay, so he's not completely brainless. Suddenly, Donna notices Christian Hobbs on the other side of the club, standing to a pillar with his arms around a pretty blonde girl who's standing in front of him. "What they doing here?" Nathan asks Donna incredulously. "Think about it, stupid. He's out to impress. Canal Street -- it's like New York to Year Twelve! Like he's so cool, the tosser," she answers derisively. At the bar, Vince tells Cameron he had to see Hazel because he owed her ten quid. Cameron replies that he expected Vince to hide for a bit. "My fault, I always get a bit heavy," Cameron says apologetically. Meanwhile, Christian spots Nathan and Donna and gives Nathan a big, friendly smile. Nathan is enraged, and he and Donna decide to leave. Donna turns to go, but then Nathan has a better idea. "You coming, then?" Donna asks him. "What, like I've been driven out?" Nathan says and then hits the karaoke stage, with Kylie Minogue's classic (in the loosest sense of the word) '80s hit I Should Be So Lucky playing in the background. But instead of singing, Nathan takes the microphone and does something extremely cool -- for once: "Right, cos I just want to say...that boy over there, in the check shirt, white t-shirt, dark hair. With the blonde girl -- him." Christian looks pissed off and puzzled as everyone stares and the music stops. "I'm in school with him," Nathan continues. "His names' Christian Hobbs. And Christian Hobbs, d'you know what he does? He finds a boy, and if that boy's a bit quiet, if he's a bit different, Christian Hobbs kicks his head in. He kicks them and he calls them queer. That boy, there. He beats us up cos we're queer." The crowd is largely stunned into silence, with some muttering comments. "Plenty more I could have said, Christian. And that's a favour," Nathan says into the microphone. I can't be the only one who feels totally cheated that Nathan didn't reveal the locker-room handjob, can I? Oh well, enough ritual humiliation for one night, I suppose. "Oi, Sunny Jim! That's your cue to fuck off out," Bernard barks at Christian, whose girlfriend has already left his side, but not before telling him to piss off. Christian is angry and scared as he leaves the club, and Nathan's friends cheer for him. "He's here, he's queer, I'm buying him a beer!" Alexander cries. Nathan tells Hazel that he's loved living with her, but that he thinks he's going to move back home. Okay, Nathan's being far too much of a non-brat for my taste. Maybe all the piss he drank in the last episode has affected his hormones. Either way, I think I liked him better when I could loathe him deeply. Donna grabs Nathan and pulls him onto the dance floor, where they flap their arms around like hyperactive chickens. I really hope this shit wasn't choreographed. Bernard and Hazel join them on the dance floor, and Nathan jokes that that will be him and Donna in forty years' time. "That's me with the moustache!" Donna laughs. While they dance, Vince, Cameron, and Alexander sit and stare at them, their faces a mix of admiration, envy, and wistfulness. "Fifteen," Vince says. "Yeah," Cameron and Alexander answer in unison. "Bastard," Vince says. Cameron and Alexander agree: "Oh, yeah."
At work the day, Vince hands Marcie a blue folder and asks her to take it to the wages department for him. "What did your last slave die of?" she asks him. "A good beating," Vince answers seriously. "It's for Simon Carter -- do you know him? Black hair, sort of Fox Mulder look. He's got the best arse in the shop," he says emphatically as Marcie's jaw drops. "Put in a word for me; I've always fancied him," Vince says. Marcie's mouth remains open as she walks away with the folder, and Vince gives Rosalie a smile before heading back from whence he came.
Cut to Nathan and his mother pulling up outside their house as Donna stands in her front yard, waving a French flag. "Well, someone had to get the flags out!" she tells Nathan with a huge smile, obviously happy to see her best friend back at home. Looking very happy and relieved, Janice says Nathan will see Donna later, as it's now her turn to spend some time with her son. Nathan winks at Donna and goes in the house, leaving her in the front yard, still beaming with happiness. "Donna! You left that bloody door open!" barks a tubby, skanky-looking man from the front door of Donna's house. Donna's face falls, Gary slams the door, and when she turns to look for Nathan, he's nowhere in sight.
At Nathan's house, after dinner, he and his father are doing the dishes together. Nathan tells his Dad that he's still going to go out to Canal Street, and his father tells him he won't be going on school nights. "And I'm not going to change. You know that, don't you? Cos it's not a phase. I'm not growing out of it; I'm going to be gay forever," Nathan says authoritatively. "You've made your mind up, and it's obvious there's no stopping you," his father tells him. "It's Helen I'm worried about. She's ten years old. She's a child. I don't want her head filled with notions," he says, a bit agitated. "Like what?" Nathan asks. Roy puts his face close to Nathan's. "As far as Helen's concerned, the anus is for shit. Got that?" he says, practically spitting, before walking out of the kitchen. Nathan looks completely aghast. Cut to a shot of Janice entering Nathan's bedroom, only to find it empty, and all the clothes gone from his wardrobe. She goes to Donna's house, where Gary informs her that Donna isn't in her room, and then Roy tells her that his wallet's gone. On Canal Street, Nathan peels several notes out of his father's wallet and asks the driver if that'll be enough to get them to London, which it apparently will be. (According to the screenplay, it's £180, which to me seems like not enough to pay for a taxi from Manchester to London, considering it costs me fifteen pounds just to get a minicab from my house into Birmingham city centre -- a six-mile trip. But whatever, I'm being a smitty.) Nathan looks at Donna, who seems a bit frightened. "You coming?" he asks her. Donna smiles. "This better be good," she tells him, and they jump into the taxi.
At Babylon, Stuart is looking down at the dancing crowd. "Hello, sugarface, you all right?" Alexander calls up to him. Stuart opens his arms wide. "My world's so fucking huge!" he says, trying desperately -- and in vain -- to convince himself of that. Meanwhile, Vince is running late for dinner with Cameron, who's already waiting at the restaurant bar. As Vince goes to get in the Mini, he's making his apologies to Cameron on his mobile and remarks on the groaning noise the driver's side door is making when it's opened and closed. Cameron tells him not to worry about it, he'll take care of the door. "Get a move on or we'll lose the table," he says. Vince insists that he's quite capable of taking the door to get fixed. Cameron expresses his doubt, saying, "It's like waiting for a kid to tidy his bedroom. I paid for the bloody thing, I'll take charge of it." Vince looks incredulous, standing to the Mini with his mobile to his ear, saying nothing. Cameron asks if he's still there, and Vince asks him to try to name all of the actors who've played Doctor Who. Cameron insists he doesn't know but manages to come up with two names. "What the hell does it matter?" Cameron finally asks, clearly annoyed. "Sorry, what? It's breaking up. We're breaking up, sorry," Vince tells him, hanging up on Cameron. No, you didn't imagine it -- Vince just dumped Cameron. And a cheer rises up throughout MBTV-land! Vince takes the keys to the Mini and locks them inside. He steps away from the car like it's got leprosy, then runs -- yes, like the wind -- down the road. He tries to hail a taxi, but they're all driving past him. When he finally gets one to stop, Vince turns to a homeless man and tells him, "Unrequited love -- it's fantastic! Cos it never has to change, it never has to grow up, and it never has to die!" He gets to Babylon in time to divert Stuart's attention from Harvey -- the guy who gave Phil the deadly overdose before stealing his money and leaving him for dead -- and they stand there, grinning at each other. The first verse of It's Raining Men plays as Vince smiles and points at the podium, then at Stuart, then back at the podium. Stuart shakes his head as if to say "Fuck off," before smiling back at Vince. Suddenly, Stuart breaks into a run, and they're racing each other to the podium. They both jump up and start dancing wildly, not caring how stupid they look as the chorus soars and the camera looks down on them. At this point, I cry a little, and not just because it's the end of the first series.